Bill Simmons, Your Tears Are So Delicious

You know what I'm referring to. Maybe if he hadn't spent the last five months writing intolerable Patriots column after intolerable Patriots column, he wouldn't have forced me into eff-you Cobra Kai mode. Alas- this is the end result of that sequence of events. And I'm going to enjoy it.

Unfortunately, the article is disappointingly unterrible. He's actually pretty gracious towards the Giants, and doesn't make too many excuses for the Patriots. He points out that the Pats were unlikable (a nice reversal from that column earlier in the year which basically whined "Why can't anyone be happy for us?") and labels their fans as "arrogant." He even admits at the end that he will be forever haunted by Giants fans' chants of "Eighteen and one" from after the game. That's pretty un-douchey for Bill. Still. I came here to empty my bowels on this column, dammit, and I'm not leaving until that happens.

I won't cover anything from the first half or so of the article, but frankly it's ridiculous that he starts out by thoroughly comparing this game to Super Bowl XXXVI. Can we please get an article about someone beating the current Patriots without comparing said victor to a previous championship winning Patriots team? The comparison is really more about Bill's experience than the teams themselves, I guess, but it's still irrelevant and tacky.

It's a dirty little secret, but Super Bowl crowds stink for the same reason that All-Star crowds stink -- more than half of the tickets get chewed up by sports executives, corporate sponsors, people working for the league or the advertising companies that support the league, celebrities and pseudo-celebrities, rich people and neutral fans who just want to be there because it's something to do.

That's not a secret. Everyone who likes the NFL knows that. Everyone. Casual fans in Europe. Ancient guys in nursing homes who were in their 50s when Super Bowl I happened. Five year olds who don't understand most of the rules. Annoying sorority girls who pretend to be lifelong fans of whatever team their current boyfriend likes. Everyone.

Arizona wasn't anything like that. Super Bowl XLII broke the record for "most fans of one team or the other" as well as "most fans wearing jerseys" and "most dead-even split of fans representing both franchises."

The "imaginary broken record" joke is fine in moderation. It doesn't need to be in every column. This particular instance of it should be replaced with either a Karate Kid reference or a story about his daughter.

Because of the unique makeup of the crowd, I became convinced we were headed for something special, even texting a few friends to predict a close and special game.

Ok, Nostradamus. I bet you did. What was the prediction you offered in your column from last Friday?

The Big Pick: Patriots 42, Giants 17.

That's what I thought. Asshole. Bill, three days before the 2007 Fiesta Bowl: "What a joke! Why is Boise State even here?" Bill, seconds before kickoff: "I've got a feeling this one is going to come down to the wire. There's just something in the air tonight. Smells like my own flatulence, which is pungent but subtle at the same time."

Soaking in the atmosphere, seeing the sea of jerseys, hearing the sounds that genuine fans make, suddenly a blowout seemed impossible. This was too good. This was what sports was all about, right?

Cliche, cliche, cliche, contradictory prediction that he undoubtedly did not actually make at the time. Cliche. Epic cliche borrowed from Rick Reilly.

With that said, I never thought the Patriots would lose. I thought they'd be tested, I thought the game would be great ... but lose??? You could point out 10 different instances when the Pats blew a chance to make a monster play or put the game away, and you could point out all the different times the Giants caught a break or had a ball bounce their way,

I'd love to hear about all those times. The only obvious one(s) I can think of is the fact that the Giants twice put the ball on the ground and managed to recover it both times. But how about instead, we point out that arguably the biggest break/lucky play of the game was the Giants' red zone interception Steve Smith perfectly tipped into Ellis Hobb's waiting arms? It cost the Giants a first and goal at the New England 8 (if caught) or a chip shot field goal attempt (if dropped in any other fashion). Manning could throw that exact pass to Smith 100 times, and the interception would bounce directly into Hobb's chest on one of them. Maybe.

but really, everything you need to know about Super Bowl XLII happened on the Miracle Play To Be Named Later -- you know, the third down on the do-or-die drive when Eli Manning ripped himself away from the entire Patriots defensive line (THEY HAD HIS JERSEY!!!!!!) and threw a pass that hung in the air forever like one of those sports movie passes, and even though David Tyree and Rodney Harrison had an equal chance of getting it, Tyree jumped a little bit higher, hauled in the football, trapped it against his helmet and somehow held on while Harrison was doing everything but performing a figure-four leg lock on him.

I've got bad news. That's not "catching a break" or "having a ball bounce your way." Excuse the cliche- that's called making plays. Manning was under pressure. He got away from it. He threw a pass that was right where his receiver could go and get it. Tyree was covered, be he went up and got the ball anyways. Deal with it.

I will forever remember eight things about Super Bowl XLII:

1. Before the pregame introductions, the Patriots were jogging off the field and the Jumbotron caught Brady briefly break stride to shake hands with Pat O'Brien. This bothered me for some reason -- somewhere along the line, the team and the quarterback almost became too famous, as symbolized by that handshake and the fact Brady would have run right by O'Brien six years ago because he would have wanted to flip out in the tunnel and inexplicably head-butt Bledsoe over and over again. Look, I'm not blaming Brady for the handshake. This was the season when his fame transcended sports and morphed into something else, and part of that "something else" involves the occasional random pregame handshake with the likes of Pat O'Brien. You have to do things like this when you're famous, even if you don't really want to do them. At the same time, I thought this was a terrible omen and a defining moment of the season.

Z, O, M, G. Pure hilarity. Really? THAT was your team's defining moment? Not anything else that, you know, happened on the field and made them lose? I guarantee you Eli Manning shook a few hands before the game. Maybe even Pat O'Brien's. Here's a quiz for all you readers out there. Why did Tom Brady have a mediocre game on Sunday?

a) because he was too distracted by Pat O'Brien's sexy man hands to focus properly during warmups
b) because the Giants' D-line was constantly dump trucking him into the turf
c) quizzes with rhetorical questions and sarcastic answer choices are fucking stupid

Understood. We'll move along then.

2. Speaking of Brady, if the Patriots had finished 19-0, I planned to start my column with a scene from the Patriots' postgame party. Through some mutual friends, I had arranged to hang out with Brady's crew for what promised to be a laid-back celebration in somebody's hotel room, probably no more than 15-20 people since Brady's circle is surprisingly and refreshingly small.

If this is true, oh my goodness gracious, how awkward would this have been for everyone except Bill? ("Who is that guy? Why does he keep showing me pictures of his family and asking if he can bring 'Hench' and 'J-Bug' up here?") If this is not true, Bill reminds me of this kid who grew up on my block and claimed to have a hoverboard and a velociraptor in his basement that he couldn't show anyone. Some people are just so insecure about their lives that they have to make ridiculous shit up.

Because it was a rare chance to catch Brady in an unguarded moment -- and an important moment at that -- I spent most of Friday and Saturday thinking about that first paragraph and all the different ways it could start. I kept seeing Brady sitting in a chair with his right ankle encased in ice, quietly sipping a bottle of champagne with a satisfied smile on his face, and Gisele would be there, and everyone would be recapping 19-0 and remembering the incredible season. I liked the thought of a famous person celebrating a historic night in such a totally normal and relatable way.

Imaginary Tom Brady sure is a chilled out guy, isn't he? But had the Patriots won, I bet real life Tom Brady would have kicked everyone out of the room so he could pulverize Gisele after doing lines of blow off her thighs.

And that's what it will remain. A thought and only a thought. It never happened.

Now the healing can begin.

3. First entry in my notebook right after the game ended: "Eli Manning just gave me the Eli Manning Face." And he did.

Reader Ben makes a great point- I think we can now safely say that the Tom Brady face exists. I think it looks something like this. (Thanks to the anonymous commenter from my post on Sunday night.)

4. For the rest of eternity, I will never understand why the Patriots -- a team that broke all kinds of offensive records by attacking teams with an aggressive, run-and-shoot offense that thrived on audibles, checks and the intelligence of the quarterback and his receivers -- became passive in the single biggest game of the season.

Obviously, their genius head coach and his staff of undergeniuses thought that was all they needed to do in order to win. There were no other variables at play. The number of people or decisions eligible for blame are pretty limited.

It's one thing to change styles because it's 20 degrees and windy outside and you're worried about throwing the ball. But indoors? Only on the last drive did the Patriots look like the Patriots. I will never understand what took so long. Ever. I will never understand it.

You coach screwed up his game plan. And also stole some guy's wife, which is even worse.

I wasn't even that depressed after the game, just confused. What happened to the remarkable offensive juggernaut from the first three months of the season?

That juggernaut relied on Brady having ample time in the pocket to make reads and let guys get open.

Where did their arrogance go? What happened to their swagger?

Justin Tuck, Michael Strahan, Osi Umenyiora, and the rest of the Giants defense took that swagger away from them and subsequently used it to beat Brady's face in.

Did the never-ending attention and nonstop pressure eventually get to them?

Not the kind of nonstop pressure you're referring to, but yes. Why is it so hard for people like Bill to understand that sometimes things happen because of very tangible factors? This wasn't a magical mystical performance by the Giants, or a magical mystical letdown by the Patriots. They got flat out beaten on the field.

For most of Sunday's game, it seemed the Patriots were playing not to lose. And maybe they were.

Maybe an even more epic cliche than "this is what sports are all about."

I will say this: Even though Friday's column will probably earn the No. 1 spot on the "Columns I Wish Weren't In My Archives" list before everything's said and done, Super Bowl XLII inadvertently proved my point.

Your point, all season long, has been that the Patriots were an unstoppable juggernaut that was playing with otherworldly levels of teamwork and dedication. Your prediction in the very same column you reference here was that the Patriots would win by 25. You also pointed out how hard it is to go 19-0 many different times, but don't act like you saw this coming. You were blindsided. Admit it. It's like the stunning final scene in "Sleeping With the Enemy."

To finish 19-0, you really need a perfect storm of things to fall your way -- not just off the field when you're building the team, but for 19 straight games over the span of five months, and on top of that, the pressure builds every week because of the streak, so it's inevitable you'll wear down in the final two months. I don't think we'll ever see a 19-0 team. If this particular Patriots team couldn't pull it off, nobody's doing it.

I hope the Colts, Jets, or some other team Bill hates does exactly that in 2008. I hope they subsequently trademark "19-0," "We didn't blow it in the Super Bowl like the 2007 Patriots," and "Mercury Morris is a big dickbag."

5. Much like the Patriots, I choked heading into the weekend: Somehow, I forgot to pack my good-luck Wes Welker jersey and headed to Sunday's game without any Pats gear. Originally intent on buying a Pats hat at the game, once I saw all the jerseys in the stands and in my section, I made the executive decision to fine myself $85 dollars (the price of a white No. 81 Moss jersey at one of those merchandise booths). You can currently find that jersey sitting at the bottom of the garbage can in my hotel room. I might take it home and burn it. I haven't decided yet.

Bill's really taking big steps here to erase the quasi-racist reputation of the Boston area. I mean, Moss only caught the go-ahead touchdown. Why couldn't he be more like WEL-KAHHHHHHHH?!?!?! Obviously I'm not saying Bill is racist himself because of this superstitious reaction, but it's little anecdotes like this that magnify the perception that Massholes hate minorities. Go to Kissing Suzy Kolber and look through the archives from the past few weeks. You'll see how that perception manifests itself on teh blogopages.

7. From the "Now It Can Be Told" department: Everyone blamed me for "jinxing" the Patriots two weeks ago after I posted my Dr. Jack Breakdown of the '86 Celtics and the '07 Pats. (And by the way, I think we have a final verdict. And then some.) Well, a significantly more blatant jinx had already happened: For my father's 60th birthday present at the end of November, I bought him a flight from Boston to Arizona and got him a hotel room and a ticket for Super Bowl XLII, although we took great pains to say "Going to the Super Bowl" instead of "Seeing the Pats in the Super Bowl" on every level. One week later? The Baltimore game happened. Yeah. Exactly. I didn't even write about this because I didn't want to get murdered by a deranged Patriots fan.

You also shouldn't have written about it because nobody cares what you buy your dad for his birthday. We've been over and over this. Please stop.

8. Finally, can you guess the last thing we heard as we were walking (OK, hustling) out of the stadium right after the final play? That's right, it was the sound of euphoric Giants fans chanting, "Eighteen and one! Eighteen and one! Eighteen and one!" Yes, it's safe to say the Boston-New York rivalry has been taken to new heights. As a tennis umpire would say, "Advantage, New York."

Eighteen and one! Eighteen and one! Eighteen and one!

I can still hear them. I will always hear them.

Awesome. If the Yankees win the World Series this fall, I just might have to shift my hatred back towards New York, where it was until 2004. Can't we sell both cities to Canada or something? Maybe try to detach everything northeast of Philadelphia from the rest of the country and let it drift out into the Atlantic? (We're keeping upstate New York because Niagra Falls is fucking badass. Have you ever seen that shit? With all the sun and natural landscape, it's a blogger's worst nightmare. But I was in awe nonetheless.) Just kidding, of course. I love all our readers from the NYC/NJ/New England area. You guys are awesome. Just understand you're not special, that's all I ask.

Overall, I'm not going to lie. I somewhat struggled to get through this column and come up with good material for all of Bill's points. What he wrote, compared to how he's been since September-ish, just wasn't that bad. Which proves a point that thousands of bloggers have made about Bill in the past three years or so- he's infinitely more tolerable when his teams suck. I mean, his references and style are still repetitive. I wouldn't call him a "good" writer, per se. But he's definitely much less worthy of hatred or mockery when he gets knocked down a few pegs by a painful loss or two. This leaves me in a bit of a tight spot- would I rather Boston teams keep winning so Bill keeps alley-ooping me shitty material? Or would it be better for Boston teams to suck again, allowing Simmons to turn back into his old inoffensive self?

I think you can guess which option I'd prefer. After all, Gene Wojceichowski doesn't have any visible team allegiances, and he writes like three columns a week.

Post Number One Thousand Billion Million About Bill Simmons Being A Piece Of Shit

I hate Bill Simmons. You hate Bill Simmons. Anyone living south or west of Connecticut hates Bill Simmons. It's old hat.

Anti-media types everywhere love to trash on The Sports Guy. He's an easy target; he's popular and constantly writes things that, were they said out loud in a sports bar, would get the guy who spoke them kicked in the balls. He also riles people up by being snide, hypocritical, insufferably and outwardly homer-ish, and generically just a big bucket of douche. And of course, for every action, there's a reaction: whenever he gets trashed on teh blogowebs, commenters who love him come to his defense. They point out that he's not a traditional sports journalist and isn't paid to come up with "hard" analysis. He's just supposed to seem like an everyday friendly kind of guy who happens to write about sports. 97% of these people are fans of Boston sports teams; the other 3% are too apathetic about sports to notice the homerism and manage to somehow work their way through the rest of the issues listed above. So basically, what you're about to read is old hat. I'm not blazing any new trails here. Yawn. Another blogger ripping on Simmons? How un-groundbreaking.

So as I sat down at my keyboard to write this tonight, I had second thoughts. I legitimately considered not writing what I'm about to write, not just because it's trite at this point but also because Simmon's article is soooooo flagrantly ridiculous that it's basically not worth talking about.

In the end, though, I couldn't let it go. I just couldn't. I had to do this. This time, he's gone too far.

Experiencing the chill of 'Victory'

In a 24-hour span last weekend, I watched "Victory" on cable and the Patriots-Colts battle on CBS. The two events had more in common than you might think.

If you don't remember what happened in "Victory," the Nazis organized a war-time soccer game between a German squad and a team of POWs led by a potbellied Michael Caine and the stunt double used for every Michael Caine soccer scene.

By any calculation, it's one of the 10 greatest sports movies ever. But my favorite part, other than Pele's wooden acting and the 15 different chill scenes during the game? Max von Sydow playing the Good Nazi -- the German officer who loves soccer and was promised a fairly officiated game, then slowly realizes the game is fixed as the refs ignore every Nazi cheap shot.

From the time the movie was released in 1981, I have measured every real-life contest with shady officiating against that Nazis-Allies game. (Important note: Even though it's a fictional movie, I've seen "Victory" so many times during the past 25 years that I now feel like the game actually happened.)

Right now, if you are not named Sully or Murph, several thoughts should be sound in your head. Not necessarily in any specific order, they should include the following:

1) Referencing movies from 26 years ago that no one younger than 40 has seen is not cool
2) Comparing events in a real life NFL game against those in a movie from 26 years ago that no one under 40 has seen is not cool
3) It would have been pretty easy to complain about the officiating without bringing up Nazis, hey, I'm just saying is all
4) How has Simmons seen this movie "so many times" in the last 25 years? Does he have it on Laserdisc? I don't even think USA would show this at 4 in the morning
5) I can't believe I'm reading another blogger's anti-Simmons rant

In response to #5, don't worry about it. I'm doing this more for me than you.

So the irony of enduring the Pats-Colts game so close to my umpteenth "Victory" viewing was just too bizarre. In fact, here's how bizarre it was -- while watching "Victory," I thought to myself, "I hope this isn't how the Pats game is called tomorrow."

As it turned out, I wasn't far off. Nobody outside of Boston made a big deal about the officiating because the Patriots prevailed.

Nobody outside of Boston made a big deal about the officiating because it wasn't one-tenth as bad as people like Simmons made it out to be. That's right, I said it. There were 2, maybe 3 blown calls during the whole game. (We'll go over those later.) Also, speaking of irony: correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't the Patriots once on the good end of one of the most controversial and almost definitely blown calls in the history of the NFL? And didn't it happen in a playoff game? During a season in which they ended up winning the Super Bowl? Are there any Raiders fans out there reading who can confirm my suspicions about this?

And besides, everyone was more interested in making excuses for the Colts (which reminds me, you can play the "Indy really missed Marvin Harrison card" so long as you also mention all the key guys New England was missing in the AFC Championship Game last January)

No. No. No. Considering that it's now this season, if you so choose, you can play that Marvin Harrison card all you want without mentioning something that happened last season. That's how sports work. Can Bears fans get away with saying "You can call our team bad all you want, as long as you also mention how good we were last year." I know several Bears fans. They would all laugh at any other Bears fan who said something like that. Because they are not living in the past.

and taking solace in the closeness of the game (giving everyone hope that New England's 19-0 season isn't a foregone conclusion).

The whole world isn't out to get New England, Bill. (Although they should be.) After it finished, most NFL fans who don't cheer for either the Patriots or Colt were enjoying what a close and exciting game it was. I mean, he's got people like me figured out. That's definitely exactly what I was doing. But what about some random die-hard Packers fan from Milwaukee? Or a Seahawks fan in Seattle? Were they really "taking solace" in the fact that Indy nearly won?

Few noticed the Patriots needed just nine minutes of quality football to defeat an undefeated Super Bowl champion on the road, or that they pulled off the comeback despite having 95 percent of the borderline calls go against them.

Again with the paranoia. I sure wish more of the sports world hated the Patriots. But based on my frequent browsing of all kind of teh blogosites, most people (besides their fans, Dolphin fans, Jets fans, and Colts fans) are pretty "meh" about them. The consensus is that while it's wrong of them to run up the score, you have to appreciate their talent and execution.

I knew the Pats were in trouble less than three minutes into the game, when Aaron Moorehead's entire left foot landed out of bounds on a first-down catch. Standing 10 feet away from him on either side, two officials improbably decided Moorehead landed inbounds, forcing the Patriots to waste a challenge to overturn a miserable call.

This is actual blown call #1 out of 2. And it got overturned. This kind of thing happens from time to time in the NFL. All 32 teams deal with it.

Of course, that moment wasn't one-tenth as egregious as the play when Ellis Hobbs got tackled from behind by Reggie Wayne while trying to catch an interception (8:58 remaining, second quarter), followed by the officials' whistling Hobbs for a 40-yard pass interference penalty because he made the mistake of bringing down Wayne's arms with his back. Hey, Indianapolis, here's a free first-and-goal for you guys. Enjoy!

Hmmmm... I didn't see that play. I did see a play in a similar situation during which Hobbs undercut Wayne without turning and looking for the ball. I wonder if Bill caught that one?

(Note: Watch NFL Network's replay of the game for the split-screen explanation by Mike Pereira, NFL vice president of officiating, who claims Hobbs impeded Wayne's path to the ball and initiated contact before turning around to find the football. Only one problem ... as Pereira is telling us this, the split-screen replay shows Hobbs turning around before there was any contact. It's an incredible 10 seconds of TV. I wish we could hire Pereira to describe other things that allegedly didn't happen while we show videotape to prove the opposite was true. "As this tape by Rick Salomon proves, Paris Hilton has never had sex with someone on camera ...")

This is by far the best paragraph in the article, and the primary reason I ended up talking myself into doing this post. Here's the video in question. There simply are not words to describe how wrong Bill is. Is he serious? To quote Larry David, "What [is he], fuckin' nuts?" Does he really expect anyone to watch the video and come to the same patently false conclusion he does? When combined with its corresponding video, this is officially the worst paragraph in the history of sports journalism. Now, is this a call you'll see made 100% of the time similar contact occurs? No. But as the rulebook goes, it was the correct call.

Throughout the game, the sketchy calls kept coming and coming. Like the head-scratching no-call when Dallas Clark pulled down Rodney Harrison as Harrison tried to catch an end-zone interception on Indy's first drive (10:09 remaining, first quarter).

Wrong. (Wish I could show you video.)

Like Asante Samuel's drawing a pass-interference penalty on an uncatchable 40-yard bomb that set up Indy's first field goal (4:14 remaining, first quarter).

This is actual blown call #2.

Like the incredible no-call when Moorehead blocked Rashad Baker in the back (how did Jim Nantz and Phil Simms both miss this?!?!?!?) to spring Joe Addai's 73-yard touchdown at the end of the first half.

Complaining about a missed block in the back call is so far from realistic I won't even address it besides saying that Bill must not watch a lot of football. Oh, and also, this one was about a two on a 1 to 10 scale of questionable blocks where 10 is the most questionable.

Like the 15-yard "unsportsmanlike conduct" call on Matt Light after Gary Brackett's interception, of which CBS couldn't even find a replay (14:04 remaining, fourth quarter).

Well if they didn't show a replay, it must not have happened! The use of quotation marks there is fantastic. I like this complaint almost as much as the Hobbs pass interference one; Bill clearly didn't see whatever Light did to draw the flag. And since CBS didn't show a replay (which is often the case with unsportsmanlike conduct calls), then it's automatically questionable. Great logic. You know what? I haven't seen any replays of O.J. Simpson "murdering" Ron Goldman. Maybe that never happened either.

Wait, there's more! There was the no-call when Rosie Colvin got held while trying to sack Peyton Manning on a crucial third-and-15 that the Colts ended up converting on their last touchdown drive (12:52 remaining, fourth quarter).

See: allegedly botched block in the back call.

Or the no-call on Indy's final drive when Bryan Fletcher was blocking Colvin at the end of a running play, got frustrated and ripped Colvin's helmet off right in front of an official (2:55 remaining, fourth quarter).

It was clearly intentional.

Or the no-call when Kevin Faulk got hooked directly in front of an official while reaching for a third-and-21 pass over the middle, followed by Tom Brady's flipping out and berating the official involved.

Brady: unbiased defender of truth and justice, who would have done the exact same thing had it been a Manning pass intended for Joe Addai. This is potentially actual blown call #3, but after watching it several times, I'm not so sure.

Or a pivotal first-and-goal interference call on Randy Moss when he made the mistake of running forward for five yards and turning around, which nearly murdered the Pats because they were trailing by 10 points and suddenly looking at first-and-goal from the 12 with less than nine minutes to play.

Moss has gotten away with so much offensive pass interference this year that it's not even funny. He's been running amok. How dare the refs actually call him for pushing off every once in a while!

(Note: I'd give you the exact times on those last two plays, but both of them were mysteriously deleted from the NFL Network's official replay of the game. Hmmmmmm.)

Yes, Bill. The NFL network is involved in a vast conspiracy to undermine New England's season and disband the team. Gregg Easterbrook is the mastermind, with Don Shula as his second in command. Keep telling yourself this. Nevermind that the NFL Network's official replays are heavily edited, omitting literally dozens of plays from every game that gets reshown. But go ahead, I'm all ears- tell me about how everyone is out to get you.

All in all, the Pats were whistled for a whopping 146 yards in penalties, a single-game record for the franchise. At one point, after a rarely seen "blocking someone while they're out of bounds" penalty on Willie Andrews, my dad called me just to say, "They're calling things that I never even knew were penalties!!!" It's one thing to have incompetent officiating for a football game; it's another thing to see nearly every call and non-call benefit the same team.

And it's yet another to see a guy who is a lifelong fan of one team and a rabid hater of the other claim such a thing when the two of them match up. This must be the first time in history of sports that someone thinks their team was treated unfairly.

In 60 minutes of play, only one borderline call went against the Colts -- a holding penalty on their second-to-last drive that erased a 25-yard Addai run.

Really? Where does it say that? The AP report of the game? Oh, nevermind. That's just a "fact" made up by Bill as he whips himself into a frenzy throughout the course of this article.

The final tally for the Colts: four penalties, 25 yards. We haven't seen homefield advantage work that well since Hitler invaded Russia.

Again with the Nazis! Although in this analogy, I guess the Patriots are actually being compared with them as both had to overcome the (alleged in one case, very real in the other) home field advantage. Then again, the Patriots ended up winning, so maybe he's trying to say... no, I won't go there.

With the Patriots playing at such a high level, you could argue the referees subconsciously favored Indy. After all, nobody likes rooting for Goliath.

The Patriots are no more Goliathish than the Colts (at least at the time the game was played). Both were undefeated. Of course, of the two, only one has been flagrantly running up the score on opponents all season. So maybe what Bill meant to say was "After all, nobody likes rooting for a bunch of dickheads."

We've seen this happen in basketball, when unstoppable big men like Wilt Chamberlain and Shaquille O'Neal were treated differently than everyone else by the officials; any defender was allowed to push, prod, elbow and basically clobber them for 48 minutes a game.

Shaq has averaged more than 10 free throw attempts per game throughout his career. Wilt averaged more than 11. I don't think either of these guys are/were hurting for calls. Also, this might be the first time I've heard anyone try to claim that dominant NBA players actually receive anti-preferential treatment from refs. Wow. Just... wow. Ask Dwyane Wade about that one.

But we've never seen it in football. So, yeah, you could say this happened. You could also say Roger Goodell doesn't want the Patriots to go 19-0, and the referees acted accordingly Sunday.

Yes. If you were delusional, and didn't bother to think about the massive ratings and exposure the league generates by having a team chase perfection well into November, and didn't further make the connection that Goodell is the league's commissioner, and undoubtedly sees those ratings and exposure as a good thing... yeah, you could say that. Hell, if you were that dumb, you could say almost anything. You could say that "Victory" is one of the ten best sports movies of all time. The sky is really the limit for your idiocy at that point.

You can't rank one fishy contest above another; you can only add them to the collection of ongoing examples. When Richard Steele stopped the Chavez-Taylor fight with two seconds remaining and Taylor leading every card, that wasn't any more or less fishy than Game 6 of the Kings-Lakers series in 2002, or the Soviets stealing the '72 gold medal from the USA hoops team, or Vince McMahon stealing Bret Hart's WWF title and giving it to Shawn Michaels, or the Steelers-Seahawks Super Bowl, or Games 3 and 4 of the 2006 NBA Finals between the Heat and Mavs, or even Robert Parish being allowed to remain in Game 5 of the '87 Eastern Conference finals after punching out Bill Laimbeer just a few feet from referee Jack Madden. The degrees of fishiness didn't matter as much as the general odor of rotten fish.

I can't help myself, I'm going to bring it up again. There's one more game that belongs on this list: it happened in 2002, and the Patriots were involved. So were the Raiders. And it was a playoff game. Give up? It was the 2002 Divisional Playoff game between the Raiders and the Patriots!

Last Sunday's game failed the seventh and last checkmark: Somehow, the Patriots overcame the "elements" and prevailed. Nobody praised them for this achievement because of everything that transpired since Week 1, when they cheated against the Jets, paid a stiff price and eventually evolved into the Cobra Kai Yankees, an arrogant, unapologetic, supremely confident juggernaut that ran up scores and turned everyone outside of New England against them.

I'm really not going to go over this too many more times. Plenty of people praised them. Plenty of fans, plenty of analysts. Of course, since Bill is such an arrogant fuckwad, and has already written three borderline-unreadable Patriot knob schlobbing columns this fall, he probably gets an outrageous amount of anti-Patriots hate email. This is probably the source of his impression that absolutely everyone hates New England. Bill, it's not them, it's you.

Was everything that "happened" (for lack of a better word) in Indy just a one-time deal?

What better word(s) can you substitute in there? Occurred? Transpired? Went down? I mean, I see what he's trying to say. He wants to say in a different way that the Patriots got screwed. But this is not the way to do so. At all.

Was it just an elaborate coincidence the Patriots couldn't buy a single break for the entire game? Was the NFL unveiling a new way of evening the score against New England because a $500,000 fine and the loss of a No. 1 pick weren't enough? Did the league decide no NFL team could conventionally stop the Pats, so they'll have to play against opponents AND referees for the rest of the season? Does the NFL have a hidden trigger much like the one used in the "Madden" video games, when everything starts going against your team as soon as it becomes clear there's a chance for an undefeated season?

No, no, no, and finally, no. This just in: the perceptions of a fan base about whether or not their team's game is being fairly officiated may or may not be accurate.

There's no way to definitively answer the previous paragraph.

I just did.

But if you're a fan of the Patriots, you've never felt as passionately about them as you do right now. The same "us against them" mentality that galvanized the coaches and players ended up galvanizing the fans as well.

Work with me here, Bill. We're going in circles.

You should see some of the texts and e-mails I received from friends during Sunday's game -- genuine anger and incoherence from some of the most rational people I know -- or the remains of my living room remote control, which didn't survive a 95-mph throw across the room after the no-call on Faulk.

I wish Rick Reilly were here so he could tell us that sports are just so darm beautiful sometimes.

Like everyone else who loves the Patriots, this season has become so personal that it's difficult to adequately describe. It's almost like watching a family member get raked through the coals, like being a member of Sen. Craig's family, only if he wasn't such a creep.

Are you sure it's not like being on of Hitler's closest personal friends as the Allies closed in on Berlin?

For better or worse, that's our mantra for the 2007 season. After the legitimacy of the three Super Bowl titles was questioned, there was only one response: 19-0. The players keep saying they're taking it one game at a time; I say they're full of crap. They want to join the '72 Dolphins and destroy everyone along the way. Why? Because bleep everybody, that's why. After Welker clinched the Colts game with a crucial first-down catch, he defiantly hopped up and screamed at the poor cornerback covering him, "YOU F------ SUCK!" Unquestionably, it was the defining play of the season -- not just that the Patriots converted the exact same situation that killed them last January (when they could have clinched a Super Bowl trip with one more completion on third-and-short), but that Welker displayed such arrogant disdain after finishing the Colts off.

Normally, I hate crap like that. Not this time.

Right. Not this time. Why? Because you're a fan of the team that's doing it. So stick with me here: I want you to take that mindset, and re-apply it to your opinions about the officiating during the Patriots-Colts game. See how that works? When your favorite team is involved in a situation, it makes you evaluate things differently than you normally would.

Once you enter "bleep-everybody" mode, it becomes a state of mind. You can't shake it. After they slaughtered the Redskins, everyone debated the merits of the Pats' running up the score and missed the larger point -- namely, that those inflated scores were serving a larger competitive purpose.

And although it may take a few years for them to fall from the ranks of elite NFL teams, those blowouts were also serving another purpose: ensuring as soon as said fall from grace occurs, every single other team in the NFL will be running up the score on the Patriots just like they did to opponents this year. Now, I can't get ahead of myself and be all excited about this. The fact remains that they're probably going to win it all this year. Still... when those blowouts do start happening, I'm going to enjoy them.

Later, generally defending his beloved Pats:

The players have always handled themselves with class, on and off the field.

Good thing he didn't include the coaching staff in that claim!

When everyone wanted them punished after CameraGate, they took their penalty without a whimper.

If only we could say the same about their fans in the journalism business.

When everyone wanted to turn them into villains, they puffed their chests and gave everyone an endless loop of Tony Montana's "Say hello to the bad guy!" scene in "Scarface" for the next two months.

What?

Like it or not, everyone's getting something out of this. We get to watch one of the greatest NFL teams ever. We get to argue about them constantly. We get a world-class villain. And if they stumble some time in the next three months, we might even get a potential upset on the level of USA 4, USSR 3.

That's an insult to the 1980 US Hockey team, the 1980 USSR Hockey team, the Winter Olympics, the Summer Olympics, sports, and anyone reading it.

Again, this is totally new -- not just for Patriots fans, but for everyone rooting against them. Normally, we have to watch a sports movie like "Victory" to find a good villain. This is happening in real time.

Real time sports villians from the past 10-15 years:
Barry Bonds
Barry Bonds
Rae Carruth
Drew Rosenhaus
Todd Bertuzzi
John Rocker
Barry Bonds
Scott Stevens
Rasheed Wallace (although I do love him... "Both teams played hard. Both teams played hard.")
Mike Vick
Juan Gonzalez
Lawrence Phillips
Mike Tyson
Barry Bonds

Granted, almost none of these are villians for things they did on the field of play. Still.

And the quest for an undefeated season lingers over everything -- it's like watching someone throw a no-hitter, only if the no-hitter lasted for five straight months. Only two years ago, I wrote that the Colts would be crazy for pursuing an undefeated season and risking injuries when the only thing that mattered was a Super Bowl title. Now? I guess I'm a hypocrite.

Admitting it is the hardest part. Now the healing can begin.

If you asked any Patriots fan to pick between two doors that determined the rest of the season -- behind Door No. 1, the team would lose once but have a 100 percent chance to win the Super Bowl, and behind Door No. 2, there would be two-in-three chance at a 19-0 season or a one-in-three chance that the team would lose in the playoffs -- a surprising number of fans would roll the dice with that second door. Including me.

You heard it here first- if the Patriots go undefeated, there's only a 2/3 chance they win it all. If they lose a regular season game, might as well give them the Lombardi Trophy. Don't get me wrong, it's obvious they're the class of the league. Still, this is just a tad presumptuous.

If the undefeated season doesn't happen for the Patriots, let's hope it's because they were outplayed and not because of something more sinister.

(Larry B rolls eyes)

And let's hope this is the final time an NFL game gets compared to a soccer movie starring Sly Stallone and a bunch of Nazis ... and the comparison isn't a stretch.

Let's also hope this is the final time a sportswriter feels the need to reference either "Victory" or Nazis themselves four times in a single column.

Well that's all I've got. Be sure to check in Wednesday morning when I continue to venture into uncharted territory by making fun of Gregg Easterbrook for the exact same stuff I always do!

karl? karl, are you ok?

someone check karl ravech and make sure he doesn't have a fever. minutes ago, on baseball tonight, while singing the praises of various members of the 2005 MLB draft class who have reached the majors already (justin upton, troy tulowitzki, etc.):

And everyone knows about Ryan Zimmerman, the Z-Pack! Arguably the best third baseman in that league, which includes David Wright and whatnot...

wow. the best? listen, ryan zimmerman is a fine young player. he's great defensively, no slouch at the plate, and his best years are ahead of him. but david wright he is not. nor chipper jones. nor miguel cabrera. jesus, those are just three other third basemen in his division. don't forget aramis ramirez.

And you could even make a case for him being the best in all of baseball.

there's a guy who plays for the AL franchise in new york who might have something to say about that. now, i'm really hoping he said "best defensive third baseman", because i like karl. but i'm reasonably sure he didn't say that. and he said what i think he said with almost no conviction, making it even more likely that it wasn't a mistake, but he just couldn't bring himself to really go for it.

i'm calling shenanigans on jeff pearlman

this article is almost a week old; it's a look at former tennessee and wnba star chamique holdsclaw and her battle with depression. now i know the wnba is a low hanging fruit for people who like to joke about sports, but honestly: jeff, if you're reading this, please tell me how you expect people to believe the following exchange really happened.

When Holdsclaw left the Washington Mystics for "personal reasons" three years ago the anger among fans was palpable. How dare the star player miss out on a playoff run. Where was her heart? Her passion? According to the Washington Post, one passing motorist rolled down his window and yelled, "You need to get it together! You need to get back on the court!"

what? i live in d.c., i can promise you it's not exactly wnba-crazed. maybe it was 3 years ago, but i doubt it. one of two things is going on here:

1) whoever told the post that story (probably holdsclaw herself) is a liar.

2) there is someone living less than 10 miles from me who not only a huge washington mystics fan, but also a tremendous asshole who taunts wnba players in drive-by fashion! simply mind boggling.