The Writing on the MLB Network: So Bad

So tonight I got home from my job tryna discipline kids at a Catholic school and was sort of frustrated because a couple of them had acted like jackasses and all. So I came home, in the kind of mood that I would cuss at my dog if I had a dog. I was in one surly-ass mood.

I turned on the MLB Network's Top 75 plays of 2000-2009, and everything got better. Not because of the quality of the writing (the opening monologue referenced Snuggies), but because of the groantastic puns listed to title each play. Here are some of the gems:

• A barehanded over-the shoulder catch became "The [David] Wright Stuff". No doubt most baseball fans are also Tom Wolfe fans. Also noteworthy: the Mets' announcer, after seeing the catch, yelled "What the Kevin Mitchell?"
• One great outfield catch was labeled "Good Will [Torii] Hunter", because Torii Hunter has a lot in common with the one guy from that one movie.
  
• A Red Sox outfielder's catch became the "Tip of the [Gabe] Kapler", ostensibly because Mr. Kapler's alleged steroid use enlarged his head so that his hat couldn't wear it straight.
  
• Some kind of important home run for a thirteen-team pinch-hitter became "[Matt] Stairs’ Way to Heaven".
  
• At the outset of the show, I had jokingly made my Mets-fan roommate promise to finish his drink if a certain journeyman Mets outfielder happened upon the show. Sure enough, we had to take shots of SoCo because "Benny [Agabayani] and the Mets" made an appearance on the list for his 2000 Game 3 NLDS walkoff

That's all I've got. I'll be back someday to post again.

Lunchpail alert?

MLB Network is awesome. That doesn't mean its anchors never ever say anything stupid. Mitch Williams, a guy not exactly known for being quiet or subtle, has the following analysis to explain Brian McCann's status as not really a well known super duper star (damn DVR is broken so this is not really a super duper accurate recreation but it's close):

I think part of the reason he doesn't get the recognition is that he's not out there thumping his chest. He doesn't demand attention. He's not out there tweeting away on Twitter, running his mouth with all kinds of nonsense.

Things not mentioned by Mitch although they should have been:

-McCann is a career .289/.359/.483 hitter, which is definitely really great for a catcher, but nothing to write home about in the grand scheme of all hitters and certainly not enough to justify Pujols/A-Rod/Hamilton/whoever status
-The counting stats aren't there either: never drove in 100 runs, never hit more than 24 bombs
-Atlanta is a pathetic sports town and Braves players rarely get the credit they're due even when they're amazingly awesome (which McCann isn't)
-This is not football; McCann is not competing for "star power" with Ocho Cinco or Tom Brady. Largely, super duper baseball stars are not in the public eye because they don't put themselves there like athletes from other sports do
-He's having a crappy year so far

In short, Brian McCann is not super duper famous because there's no reason for Brian McCann to be super duper famous. He's probably only the 3rd or 4th best hitter on his own team. So yeah I'm calling this a lunchpail alert.