My brain is going to explode if I try to do a Simmons or Easterbrook post tonight

Both of those motherfuckers.  Unreal.  Whether it's Gregg lambasting Mike Gundy for allegedly showing poor sportsmanship against Savannah State, when Savannah State's coach went on the goddamn record after the game and thanked Gundy for the way Gundy handled things, or Simmons's douchechilling appearance on PTI (summarized by Bill Brown in the  comments to my last post), they're both too much for me to handle right now.  Instead, let's let Richard Justice have the spotlight.

Ageless Jeter Worthy of MVP Consideration

There will be writers prepared to give Jeter MVP votes well after he retires, but wanting to put him in the conversation this year is only slightly less silly than that.

There can't be a conversation about the American League's Most Valuable Player Award without including Derek Jeter, 

There certainly can.  He's been worth 2.5 rWAR and 3.5 fWAR this year, which doesn't even put him within shouting distance of the top 10.  He's been crappy on defense as always, and merely good on offense.  If there were a separate MVP vote for guys 35 and older, he'd be in contention, although if that imaginary "senior division" vote were fair (and we all know it wouldn't be because baseball writers are worthless pieces of shit) Torii Hunter would win it.  

and doesn't that make this whole season even better?

No.  Always good to lead off your column with a non-rhetorical rhetorical question that most MLB.com readers will answer differently than you want them to.

Jeter is leading the AL in hits

And in plate appearances, meaning he's pretty high on the "outs made" leaderboard as well.

and is second in batting average and fourth in runs. 

You or I could bat leadoff for the Yankees and score a shitload of runs.

He batted .389 in April, 

Making him a strong candidate for AL player of the month for April, which is apparently also known as 2012 AL MVP.

and his average has fallen below .300 for just two days the entire season.

Batting average is a dumb statistic, etc.  His .366 OBP is pretty OK, nothing to sneeze at, also not what you'd want from your leadoff hitter in a perfect world.  But also: intangibles.

His defense at short has been terrific, as usual. 

Lol

Meanwhile, his Yankees have had at least a share of first place in the AL East for 93 straight days, 

Making Robinson Cano and his 6.5 rWAR/6.2 fWAR an excellent candidate for AL MVP runner up to the guy who is having one of the 50ish best seasons of all time by any hitter, ever, in baseball history, in the history of baseball.

and now with the stretch run upon us, Jeter is hitting .378 in September.

As the Yankees fall apart.  Just saying, SOMEONE has to take the fall if they finish behind the two inferior teams that are chasing them down, and hey, shouldn't it be the guy who apparently has leadership skills growing out of his ass?

He's part of what appears to be a close race for the AL MVP Award. 

It does not appear to be anything resembling close.  I don't like the Angels, and I despise the hype that surrounded Trout during his meteoric rise through the minors these past couple seasons, but there isn't much I can say to shit on his 2012.  Dude plays lights out center while absolutely raking.  

There's a case to be made for Mike Trout, Miguel Cabrera and Josh Hamilton as well.

Hamilton leads the league in RBIs so of course someone like Justice is going to claim he's part of the race when he's not even the most WAR valuable guy on his own team (good for Adrian Beltre for putting together a great season after getting paid for once, zing, sick burn by me).  Cabrera deserves some props for not being a complete and utter blimp crash at 3rd, and he leads the league in OPS, but clearly, Mike Trout is the only player who should receive a 1st place AL MVP vote this year.

Trout is especially interesting because he didn't come to the big leagues until April 28 but immediately ignited the Angels. They're 68-49 with him in the starting lineup, and he's leading the AL in batting average, runs and stolen bases. Trout is second in OPS, third in OBP and fifth in triples. He has also played a spectacular center field, and with the numbers so close, it might be what decides it.

But then again: does he play shortstop for the Yankees?  Is there a media mandate that he be included in all MVP discussions as long as he's having something resembling a half decent year?  If you blow him, will he give you a gift basket?  Those things could decide the race too, if the race were close, which it's not.

Cabrera is right there, too, leading the AL in OPS and slugging and second in batting average, RBIs and hits. He's fourth in runs and home runs.

And first in being a fat guy playing out of position for a playoff contender.

And there's Hamilton. Despite hitting .202 in June and July, he's leading the AL in home runs and RBIs and is second in runs and fourth in OPS. Also, the Rangers are leading the Major Leagues in runs and have been in first place in the AL West for all but two days. Their lead hasn't been less than three games since April 15.

Hamilton plays on the same team as a bunch of other really good players; players so good they were able to cover for him when he completely no-showed for 1/3 of the season.  Don't forget to factor that into your voting.

The case for Jeter is this:

Jeter-like Jeterness.

• Doing his job at the top of the lineup spectacularly well.

By OBPing a "hey, most teams would take that from their leadoff guy, I guess" .366?  By making sure to touch every base in the proper order as Cano, Fish Fillet Rod, Teixeira, et al drive him in?

• Playing nice defense.

Lol

• Winning.

He wrote that.  Not me.

• Leadership.

That too.

• Being at his best when the pressure is cranked up the most, 

Like during April.

which is pretty much every day of the year with the Yankees.

Oh, well that's just sneaky.  "Give Jeter credit for performing at his best when the chips are down... i.e., ALWAYS.  Except for during June when he hit .232/.295/.313, but that doesn't count, because Jeter."

Regardless of how it plays out, it's fun just having Jeter in the discussion. 

If you are a member of the BWAA or a Yankees fan (or hell, maybe if you're a Red Sox fan, because BOOOOO FACK YOU JETAH THE CHEA-TAH).  If you are anyone else: no.

Scouts have marveled at the quickness of his bat 

I will give $500 to charity if Jeter tests positive for steroids before Halloween.  I'll scan the receipt and post it on the blog.  Promise.  Please please please please please

and his ability to get hits on pitches in tough locations.

Also: Winning.  Leadership.

There was a time last season when it looked like Jeter's best days might be over, 

And they were/are.

and no one wanted to see one of the all-time greats go out this way. He'd simply done too much and meant too much to the game.

/chugs bottle of Pepto

If someone ranked every player the last 100 years in terms of winning, production and citizenship, 

Ooh, a new -ship to go along with the never-explained but always cited leadership he apparently displays regularly.

that is, representing the game the right way, 

A lovely combination of "representing the game" and "playing the game the right way."  Justice is breaking new ground here.

Derek Jeter might be No. 1. He's pretty much the poster boy for what those of us who love the game would like every player to be.

/goes to store, grabs another bottle of Pepto, chugs it before paying for it

And then it goes on for a while longer.  Apparently all you need to do to insert Jeter into an MVP conversation these days is 1) make sure he's hitting over .300 2) claim he's playing great defense, what, is anyone going to be able to definitively prove you wrong? 3) note the fact that the Yankees and their $10 kajillion payroll are in playoff contention and finally 4) spit some boilerplate about playing the citizenship the right way or some shit like that.  It's that simple.  Oh, in closing:

Andy Pettitte considers Jeter both a friend and a teammate.

Well then!

"I mean, he's just the same every day," Pettitte said. "He's out there doing his job, 

Number of players who have been on MLB rosters since opening day who are not doing their jobs: 0

getting hits, 

Lot of guys pulling that one off too

getting on base, 

His BB rate is just over 5%.  His OBP is 42 points higher than his average.  Just sayin'.  I'm fine with the "getting hits" part but I'm going to push back on this one.  GENTLY.

leading us. 

And representing the game the right way

He's just amazing."

OK, $1,000 to charity for a positive steroid test in the next six weeks.  Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please

New* Generation* of Baseball Stars* Emerging*

First of all, let me VWOOP! say that as I type this VWOOP! Chris Berman VWOOP! is hosting SportsCenter and he is a VWOOP! motherfucking embarrassment. That's all there is to say about that. Oh, except for: THE-UHHHHHHHHHH RAAAAAAAAAAIIIIDAAAHHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Moving on.

The title of this post is the actual title of this article by Richard Justice about some MLB players who are off to hot starts this season. Why the asterisks? Well, I don't want to get too bogged down in legal technicalities, but that title needs some clarification. For example, some of the players named in the article aren't "new" to the league at all. (I know "new" is modifying "generation" and not necessarily the individual players, but bear with me. Just this one time.) They certainly, as a whole, do not constitute a "generation." Many of them are not "stars," and never will be. And some aren't "emerging" at all- they either have already emerged or simply are not doing anything that could be construed as an emergence.

They all do play baseball, though, so I didn't have to put an asterisk by that. Which is good.

Maybe you haven't heard of Aaron Hill. You will, though. Trust us on this one. Likewise, you'll soon know all about Zack Greinke, Nyjer Morgan, Nelson Cruz, Joey Votto, Heath Bell and Brandon Inge.

So if you're a baseball fan, you should already be able to tell why I used those asterisks up there.
This baseball season is interesting, not just because the Royals, Tigers, Mariners and Marlins are in first place,

Well, of course- I know my heart is still going a mile a minute because of the emergence of those plucky Royals.

not just because the Pirates and Padres are hanging in there,

Thrills abound in the NL West! (For clarification, I'm not some kind of Yankees/Red Sox/Cubs loving asshole. My favorite team actually happens to play in the NL West. I just have to point out, it's not exactly the most compelling division even with the Padres not starting to suck just yet.)

but because all over baseball, a new generation of stars is emerging.

Well sure. Evan Longoria, Carlos Quentin, and Jay Bruce are all having great years so far. And you've gotta like what Yovani Gallardo and Chad Billingsley have been doing.

Sure, Albert Pujols is still doing amazing things.

Who?

So is Kevin Youkilis and Johan Santana and Roy Halladay and a lot of familiar names.

We've got a subject/verb agreement problem there. But sure, that's true.

What would life be without a Red Sox-Yankees series meaning something?

You just named a Cardinal, a Red Sock, a Met, and a Blue Jay. The fuck is this sentence doing here?

Let's run down some of the people that are doing great things in the first month of a new season.

First, Aaron Hill. He does things at second base that will remind you of Roberto Alomar, meaning his glove work can occasionally take your breath away.

He also leads the major league in hits

After 20some games.

and is one of several reasons the Toronto Blue Jays are in first place in the American League East. Teammates Ricky Romero and Jason Frasor are on that list, too.

OK, Richard's first choice: Aaron Hill. Great. Let's break down young Mr. Hill's credentials. He's now 27, which means he should have entered his offensive prime last season or so. He has a career OPS+ of.... 100. He is, by that standard, an exactly average hitter. He has also hit 34 career home runs in more than 2000 career plate appearances. Hmmm. If you put a lot of stock in fielding metrics, he's a little above average as a second baseman in range factor/9 innings for his career. He's at 5.02- the league over that period of time is at 4.95. So he makes an extra putout or assist over the average second baseman every 15 games or so. Nothing to sneeze at, and perhaps he does have a penchant for the highlight-reel play, but he's not exactly the second coming of Ozzie Smith (at second base) either.

My analysis? Maybe new, not a star, probably not emerging unless he's a late bloomer. We're off to a great start.

The Blue Jays were only going to go as far as their young pitchers took them, and so far, Romero and Frasor are a combined 5-0, but Romero was placed on the 15-day disabled list this week.

Therefore, Aaron Hill is somehow an emerging star.

Hill was Toronto's first-round pick in 2003, was in the big leagues for good in 2005. He moved from short to second when Orlando Hudson was traded

And because he was not a very good defensive shortstop.

and has gotten better and better.

Yes, as most athletes tend to do in their mid twenties. Those who do not usually find themselves selling insurance by age 30.

He missed 107 games last season after suffering a concussion in a collision with David Eckstein.

Goodness! I'm surprised Eckstein's hustle and grit didn't decapitate Hill upon impact! I hear running into Eckstein is like driving a car at 90 mph into a 4 foot high wall of solid concrete. With spikes sticking out of it. While Darin Erstad lobs grenades at you.

He's back now. Boy is he back.

And having a great 20 game stretch.

The Blue Jays are a model organization in some ways. That is, they're forced to build through player development because they don't have the resources to spring for the big-ticket free agents.

Probably because they wasted $52 million on B.J. "Exploding Elbow" Ryan a few years back.

When teams do it this way, even when their scouts are making good decisions, there can be frustration among fans because fans want everything done yesterday.

That sentence reads like it was translated into Finnish and then translated back.

Once the talent pipeline starts flowing, teams like the Blue Jays — and the Marlins — have a chance to remain in contention for a long time.

As long as they can retain their homegrown stars, like Roy Halladay. (Coming soon to a Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, or Boston-based team near you!) Which they usually can't. But good for them for inking up Vernon Wells I guess. Enjoy paying him $18 million a year for $5 to $10 million a year's worth of production until 2014, Toronto.

Nice going, Blue Jays.

Here's an ice cream cone and a firm pat on the ass.

Now about Zack Greinke.

You need a verb.

You probably have a vague recollection of him somewhere in the back of your mind.

You remember he was a top prospect that couldn't cut it and briefly gave up on baseball.

Yes, it does seem like he has been around forever. He was the sixth pick of the 2002 draft and in the big leagues two years later at the ripe old age of 20. He was going to be the next great thing.

His story is really complicated. Somewhere on the road to Cooperstown, he came undone. He walked away, saying it was no longer fun.

Listen, I don't want to rip a guy who had a serious mental illness, but listen to this interview from a couple years ago and try not to laugh at Zach the dipshit. If ever there was a pinhead simpleton idiot... it's probably him. His ability to have a conversation is unrelated to his ability to play baseball, of course. I just think the link is worth sharing. Seriously, pop in your headphones and take a few minutes to listen to it. Wow. Wow. Wow.

In any case, this is probably Richard's best pick. My analysis- not new, but probably going to be a "star" of some kind, definitely emerging. Two out of three ain't bad. Especially when you have trouble with the idea that you have to use "are" when your sentence contains multiple subjects.

The Royals have built from the ground up as well and they're drawing big crowds at home and there's a feeling that a franchise has been reborn this season.

As Richard would say: Nice going, Royals. (end analysis)

Joey Votto is also only 25 years old. He was also a high draft pick in 2002. He needed five years to get to the big leagues. He's a big, strapping kid that is hitting .358 and driving in runs.

When the Big Red Machine is fully back in business, he'll be a household name.

Another decent choice- probably new, maybe going to be a star (but slugging first basemen aren't exactly hard to find), probably emerging. Let's move past this and get to the crap.

Nyjer Morgan plays center field for the Pirates. He's 28 years old, but playing regularly for the first time.

Hmmmmmmmm. This is like being single in your mid twenties and having a friend say "Hey, I know this great chick I'm going to set you up with. She happens to be 34 and has a kid-" And then you kind of just stop listening and tune the friend out. If you haven't played regularly before age 28, there is a 99% change that it's because you suck.

He leads the NL in triples

You know how the saying goes- if you're leading the league in triples in early May... well, you probably have like three triples.

OK, scratch that, I just checked. He has two.

and stolen bases and is hitting .319.

The day this article was written, last Monday, Dexter Folwer stole almost as many bases (5) as Morgan has all season (6). Oh, and his average his since dropped to .309.

He's one of those guys your kids will want to be like.

You mean a professional baseball player? True, I guess. Same for anyone else in this article though.

To see him run the bases is to take a memory home from the ballpark.

Ah- the piece of human poetry that is Nyjer Morgan. You suck, Richard. Nyjer Morgan: perhaps new, but never ever ever going to be a star and most definitely not emerging.

Sometimes, you just have to give a guy a chance. That's the lesson of Heath Bell, who at 31 leads the major leagues with seven saves.

Segue! That's why this guy gets paid the big bucks.

He was drafted by the Mets, traded to the Padres and worked anonymously in both bullpens for most of the last five seasons.

Yeah, about that- in San Diego, prior to this season, he was a dominant setup guy who usually worked the 8th inning in front of a first ballot hall of famer. I really don't think you can accuse the Padres of "not giving him a chance" until now. Although I will concede that the Mets might have given up on him a little early. On the other hand, during his last season with them (2006), he allowed 51 hits and 6 home runs in 37 innings.

The Padres bumped him from the eighth to the ninth inning after Trevor Hoffman's departure. He has been in eight games this season and has yet to allow a run.

But does he make you leave the ballpark with a smile? Is he Nyjer Morgan? My analysis- not new, not going to be much of a star, maybe emerging as a solid closer.

Nelson Cruz was also seen as a guy not ready for primetime. He was a part-time player with both the Brewers and Rangers.

He recorded five career at bats with the Brewers. And he OPSed under .700 during both 2006 and 2007 with the Rangers. I think they were pretty justified at that time in not seeing him as "ready for primetime."

This season the Rangers have put him in right field and seen a very solid major league player emerge. He's hitting .277 with six home runs already on a team that believes it will contend in the American League West.

Well, there are only three other teams in the division and none of them are that good. Way to be, Rangers. Way to dream. Cruz is 28 years old, has had one good season in which he recorded 115 ABs, and is playing in an amazing lineup in one of the best hitters' parks in baseball. I'm unmoved. My analysis- probably new, probably not going to be a star, probably not emerging.

Haven't the Detroit Tigers tried to get rid of Brandon Inge about a dozen times the last few years?

Why were they unsucessful? Probably because he's not that good.

Don't they give his job to someone else.

Fuck, man- just reread your shit ONE TIME before you submit it for publication. You'll probably catch stuff like this.

He has moved all over the field, too.

Yes, because he's not a good enough hitter to secure a full time starting spot at any one position.

He's playing third base this year, playing it well and is helping the Tigers hang onto a share of first place in the American League Central. His .322 batting average is 84 points above his career average.

And he's only 32 years young, with a mere 3700 plate appearances under his belt! I'm fairly confident he will continue to hit 84 points above his average for the rest of the season. Looks like he finally figured out major league pitching.

Maybe he won't stay at .322,

I'll eat a hat if he does.

but he has made April more interesting.

Oh yeah, here we go, here comes the trifecta. Brandon Inge: not new, nowhere close to being a star, and almost certainly not emerging. Awwwwwwwesome.

April is for dreamers.

And for a few mediocre-to-crappy players to have hot starts and get dumb articles like this one written about them.

Just ask the Royals and Mariners and Marlins.

Thanks for tying it all back together, Richard. I feel like I just collided with David Eckstein while watching Nyjer Morgan run the bases.

Two Sides of a Stupid Story

Being Great Americans, most of us like to argue about sports with our friends. Usually, sports stories have two sides to them. Usually, they are formed something like this:

Point: Notre Dame sucks! They haven't won anything in a million years!
Counter-point: Notre Dame rules! They've got a lot of national titles they won in football games!

or

Point: Statistics are stupid; the best way to know sports is to watch the players play the sports game!
Counter-point: Statistics are really useful; they let you measure how a player performs when you can't watch all the games even with the TiVo.

Something like that. Frequently, arguments are resolved through one side's careful use of logic and sports arguments frequently end in amiable agreement about the most sensible point of view. And this blog is designed to facilitate that process.

POINT: The Yankees are ruining baseball.
[Note: this article, though written by Phil Sheridan from the Philly Inquirer, is also published on BostonHerald.com. The best part about Yankee news? Insecure Boston fans show their true bitchy natures]

The New York Yankees represent the very worst of America.

Surely, I am no Yankees fan, but I think O.J. Simpson's lawyers represent the very worst of America.

Overstatement? Consider the times. Cornerstone industries are faltering,

I blame the Yankees.

taxpayers are being asked to bail out mismanaged financial institutions and their overpaid CEOs,

I blame the Yankees.

and decent, hard-working men and women are being laid off or worrying that they could be next.

Fuck you, Yankees! Stop firing all those overpaid auto-workers whose own inflexible labor contracts have hurt them; stop firing all the excess middle management that isn't needed; stop firing all the hedge fund managers whose wealth-juggling games have finally hit the wall! Damn it, Cashman! Stop being such an asshole and actively hurting decent, hard-working men and women by trying to make your baseball team better!

Now consider the eight-year, $180 million contract the Yankees reportedly handed first baseman Mark Teixeira Tuesday. Stack it on top of the $161 million deal signed by pitcher CC Sabathia and the (relatively) modest $82.5 million promised to A.J. Burnett and you have the most egregious display of financial irresponsibility in the history of sports.

No, no, no. If you can PAY for it, and you MAKE billions of dollars, re-investing in your product is not a stupid or irresponsible at all. These decisions are much more egregious.

The Yanks’ insane overspending would be bad for baseball in the best of times. These are not the best of times.

As I've written before, the last few years have actually been some of the best times in baseball history, whether you consider attendance, profits, competitiveness for all teams not based in Pittsburgh. Mr. Sheridan, you can't just spout this with no basis and expect teh_blogorz not to call you on it!

If Major League Baseball had a commissioner — that is, an independent and strong-willed leader unafraid to do the right thing — the Teixeira and Sabathia deals would be nullified based on the commissioner’s sweeping "best interest of the game" powers.

What an awful idea. Is Mr. Sheridan really suggesting that anytime someone gets signed to a big contract, the commissioner should step in? Is Bud Selig's job to be a one-man salary cap, based on nullifying contracts approximately whenever he feels like it?

Up in Boston, where the Red Sox made a serious run at signing Teixeira, this deal is being rationally and calmly analyzed by baseball fans as if actual, flaming chunks of blue sky were crashing through the roofs of their homes.

Ah! I thought he was being serious! This was a joke! Whew. I thought for a minute there he was going to argue that Red Sox fans calmly and rationally analyzed something.

As one commenter on boston.com reasoned, "Dear God, please kill me now . . . " Another reflected, "OMG — I want to jump off a bridge . . . ! Yankees are instantly the favorites in the AL East for 2009 . . . ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Using comments from boston.com in your article: instant comedy.

Using comments from boston.com in your article: you're a doing a shit job of being a real journalist, and your whole argument is stupid.

COUNTER-POINT: The Yankees' spending is great for baseball! [Note: it is never a good thing for your side of an argument if you take a look around and notice that Richard Justice defends your viewpoint]

The Yankees are the gift that keeps on giving. We've just been guaranteed a great season no matter how it plays out.

No, real baseball fans have been guaranteed a season full of Yankee highlights every goddamn night - and Yankee subplots and sidebars all season long. Even Yankees fans aren't "guaranteed" a great season; the only people who are truly guaranteed a great season now are lazy, shitty sportswriters who will have tons of material.

Besides, if the Yankees win, how will their fans feel?

Pretty fucking good.

Will this be the kind of championship they're proud of?

Yes.

Will it reflect the greatness of the Yankees, or the fact that the Yankees did it with a sledgehammer?

Sledgehammers are not allowed on the baseball field, Richard.

In some ways, the Yankees can't win no matter how much they win.

What?

Isn't that a beautiful thing? And if they don't win, there'll be a firestorm to end all firestorms.

I, too, look forward to that. Residents of mountainous resort communities will be happy to know that all fire-storms will be ended if this takes place.

Regarding comments by the Brewers' owner:

This guy doesn't get it. If he owns the Brewers long enough, he'll understand that when the Yankees are really good, every other team benefits.

An implausible argument to say the least. But let's see how little Richard handles it:

What have the Yankees won anyway? How good are they? Have you checked out their outfield? Want to compare rotations? Which rotation do you like most? Which group has done more in October? Have they forgotten what a choking dog Alex Rodriguez is in the playoffs?

So wait.. you're saying that baseball is better off since the Yankees have become really good... but then you argue that they're NOT really good?

Also: A-Rod sucks, but not as bad as Richard Justice.

THE SENSIBLE CONCLUSION:

Actually, all this signing crap doesn't really affect the baseball world much at all. The Yankees are going to be better this season, but competitive balance will still prove that baseball's system isn't broken and doesn't need fixing. Sensible viewpoints (like this one which correctly pinpoints small-market teams as whiny and profit-hungry) must prevail, no matter the economic climate of the country. For pete's sake, even Dayn Perry realizes that this isn't that big a deal, and that salary caps " do nothing to promote competitive balance, and all they do is guarantee owner profits".

A Very, Angry, Stupid, Boring, Statistical, Analytical, Don't-Even-Readal, Skip-Over-This-To-Other-More-Interesting-Thingsal Quickie

Richard Justice wrote an article explaining why the Yankees are still the third best team in the AL East (probably true). But I can't quite let things like this slide.....

Tampa Bay's outfield of Carl Crawford, B.J. Upton and Joyce might just be the best in baseball.

That is just plain fucking batshit crazy. I mean, defensively, sure. But plain ol' best?

The Yankees? How does an outfield of Xavier Nady, Brett Gardner and Johnny Damon ring your chime?

Not impressed? Didn't think so. Boston's is also better: Jason Bay, Jacoby Ellsbury, J.D. Drew.

You couldn't even go two paragraphs without naming a better outfield. But go ahead, you can keep Carl Crawford and his .318 OBP from last season (he's VERRRRRRRRRY overrated, folks!). And we don't have a clue what the fuck Matt Joyce is yet, but he's already part of the best outfield in baseball? Do you hear yourself talk?

It's also awesome to say things like this when guys like Adam Dunn, Pat Burrell, and Manny Ramirez haven't even been placed on teams yet.

Yet we've learned the last few years that chemistry and grit are as important as pure talent.

This is why it's been so hard to keep the Pittsburgh Pirates down.

This is why grit superstars Pat Burrell and Ryan Howard can with the World Series while chemistry stud Jimmy Rollins single-handedly denounces the entire phucking Philadelphia phan base.

This is why the White Sox edged out the Twins, because of gritty performances by key grit guys like Paul Konerko, Ken Griffey Jr, and Jim Thome. The supreme talent of Minnesota's Nick Punto, Carlos Gomez, and Alexei Casilla was no match for good ol' fashioned "grit", a word that as far as I can tell just means "trying his or her hardest", which 97% of the league does. Shut the fuck up, Richard Justice.

The Rays and Red Sox have a clubhouse chemistry that is impossible to overestimate.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, for the first time in the history of the universe.....THE IMPOSSIBLE!

They've got managers — Maddon and Terry Francona — brilliant at making the pieces fit and keeping the club headed in the right direction.

Talent, of course, is important, too, but in this era of parity, it's tougher and tougher to buy a championship.

Right, talent is important, too. You know, kind of like an afterthought.

The Yankees have spent more on payroll than any other team for several years. They haven't gotten out of the first round of the playoffs since 2004, haven't been to the World Series since 2003, haven't won a championship since 2000.

They tried buying a championship with Jason Giambi, Jaret Wright, Carl Pavano, etc. Never mind that chemistry and toughness were a huge part of how they won four World Series under Joe Torre.

Look guys, now we're trying to show chemistry's triumph over talent by using Jaret Wright as an example of "talent"!

Oh yeah, and that Carl Pavano......he totally played baseball the entire time he was on the team! And he played it every 5th day, with the highest level of talent. But he was no match for the chemistry of the opposing (Carl Pavano never got injured) hitters!

Jaret Wright sucks.

Rainbows and Ponies and Bright Rays of Sunshine......Yay!

Friends, it's time to hear more about the greatest All-Star who ever lived. Sure, most All-Stars put up great stats or have a great career backing them up. But this guy made the team this year without the unfair advantage of either of those things. All he needed to make it was......get this....a Red Sox jersey and a little letter called "C". It's time for justice. Richard Justice.

No offense, but Red Sox need to keep Varitek
Despite catcher's slump at plate, team can't afford to lose his presence

Fine. Make him the bench coach. The current bench coach might have a shot at managing a .224 EqA, which would top Varitek. Put him at catcher.

Let's see these fine reasons that the Red Sox absolutely can't lose this man, nay, legend.

Can you imagine Jason Varitek wearing any other uniform? Can't do it, can you?

Nope. I honestly can't. Therefore, keeping him is an outstanding business decision.

"That would be hard," Derek Jeter said.

This evidence is just overwhelming.

How about you, Mariano Rivera?

"He's their captain," he said. "That tells you what he means to them."

Indeed.

Not 1, but 2 Yankees on your side? I better just cut this article off right here.

"When you think of the Red Sox, he's one of the people that comes to mind," Joe Torre said.

That's one man's opinion. I frequently forget about him. When my team is about to play the Red Sox, I'm like, "Shit....they've got Manny and Ortiz and Beckett and Dice-K and Drew and Pedroia and.....oh yeah...that catcher."

Wait, there's more.

Oh go on. I'm giddy.

"It's the way he plays the game, the respect he has for the game," Josh Hamilton said.

Josh Hamilton has spent one half of a season playing in the same league as Jason Varitek. He played 4 games against him in April. But, it's a little-known fact that addictedheroinoutofbaseballcrackcocainemiraculousrecoverylastyearmajortradehittersparkZOMG28homers! So basically, everything he touches turns to gold and everything he says has a powerful meaning that transcends the way people think.

For a decade, Varitek has represented the Red Sox with grace and grit. He might be the poster boy for some of the best years the franchise has ever had -- six playoff appearances, including two championships, in 10 seasons.

I would pick a different poster boy. But yeah, there really isn't much denying any of this.

He has helped changed the way people perceive the Red Sox.

I'll put this in a way that makes this sentence less misleading.

Jason Varitek, along with people who are way better at baseball and way more important to the goal that I will mention in the next part of this sentence, has helped change the way people perceive the Red Sox.

Once lovable losers, they're now widely respected both for winning and for doing it the right way.

And if like, A.J. Pierzynski was their catcher all this time, there's no way that franchise would have ever tuned around, right?

He's not the only Red Sox player who typifies this approach.

Whew. For a second there, I thought you wouldn't give credit to anyone else.

Tim Wakefield, Mike Lowell, Mike Timlin and others provide a leadership core as solid as any in the game.

Good God. I want to play against you in a one-on-one fantasy baseball league for $2,000,000 in which both people are only allowed to draft Red Sox.

That "C" on Varitek's jersey speaks volumes. He's the Red Sox captain in every sense of the word.

So if you have a choice between cutting Varitek and J.D. Drew from the Red Sox, you're cutting Drew, aren't you.

Recently, when he briefly snapped out of a terrible slump with a hit, the Red Sox celebrated as if they'd won another championship.

This is just another terrific reason to keep him on the team after this season.

Varitek's future with the Red Sox has become a hot topic on Boston sports radio at a time when he's hitting .218 and sometimes looking overmatched at the plate.

Because he is 36 years old, because he is unsigned after this season and because the Red Sox have had acquiring a catcher on their to-do list for more than a year, the previously unthinkable has become thinkable.

But....but he's the captain!

Money could become an issue. Varitek is represented by Scott Boras, and rumors have Boras seeking a four-year contract for Varitek.

Purchasing that contract would be something like buying a baseball team a coffin. You really want him catching for you when he's 40? And if he's not catching, then he has a value less than zero.

To anyone Red Sox fan ready to throw Varitek off the bus: Be careful what you wish for.

I'm not sure any fans have ever regretted wishing their team had a starting catcher that hits like a major leaguer.

When the Red Sox trailed the Cleveland Indians 3-1 in the American League Championship Series last fall, Varitek was one of the guys who set a relentless one-game-at-a-time tone in the clubhouse.

That's why the Red Sox outscored the Indians 30-5 in the last 3 games of this series. The ol' one-game-at-a-time approach. You didn't catch those Red Sox trying to win Game 7 during Game 5. No sir-ee-bob.

Had you walked into the Boston clubhouse before Game 5, you might have thought the Red Sox were preparing for a June game with the Mariners. That's because they play the game one way -- and Varitek is partly responsible for that.

What is that way? Indifference? They approach Game 5 of the ALCS with the same fervor as a meaningless June game with the Mariners? If you ask me, that's a serious problem.

There's no debating his offensive season. It has been terrible. Varitek's .218 batting average is 46 points below his career average. He's hitting just .184 on the road and .192 with runners in scoring position. He has put together back-to-back tough months -- a .122 average in June, a .188 average in July.

This is very, very bad.

And yet at this point in his career, considering the makeup of this club, offense isn't his primary responsibility.

You are a major league baseball player who is not a pitcher. Offense better fucking be your primary responsibility.

Even with Varitek not hitting, the Red Sox are second in the American League in runs, first in on-base percentage and third in home runs.

Therefore, keep Varitek.

As for Varitek, it might be impossible for an outsider to understand his impact in the clubhouse.

Aren't you an outsider?

What Varitek mainly does is set a tone for everyone else. When his peers voted him onto the American League All-Star team, he was asked over and over if he felt bad about going when he's hitting so little.

"No," he said. "That's a pretty good honor, to be sent by the players."

Sometimes Francona seems to know the questions are coming before they're asked.

"That is from the players around the league," he said. "That's how they feel about him."

Basically, him getting on the team was the rest of the players saying, "We don't like A.J. Pierzynski." That's all that was.

So here are the reasons that the Red Sox should keep Jason Varitek. Ahem.

1) You can't picture Jason Varitek wearing another uniform, and neither can Derek Jeter.
2) When Joe Torre thinks of the Red Sox, he's one of the first people that comes to mind.
3) Josh Hamilton says so.
4) He is a symbol of the good years the Red Sox have had (years when he wasn't old and a pretty solid player).
5) He changed the way people perceived the Red Sox.
6) There is a "C" on his jersey.
7) He believes in playing one game at a time.
8) The rest of the Red Sox are hitting just great, aren't they?
9) He's not good at offense, but that doesn't matter because of (8) and offense isn't his primary responsibility.
10) R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

I hope to God the Red Sox sign 37-year-old Jason Varitek next offseason. Because I hate them and I want them to lose.