Tom Verducci's Figures of Speech Stretch Further Than Reed Richards

Look, I love Tom Verducci. I don't say that with much caveat. He's probably my favorite traditional (read: Old-fashioned) sportswriter working today. He manages to let the game's story tell itself without romanticism or the curmudgeonliness that seems to typify non-advanced stats sportswriters. But man oh man, in this week's print SI, his World Series writeup (I can't find its counterpart online) is chock full of--as Hawk Harrelson might say--streeeeeeeeeetch(es). Observe:

One night last week, due to a lengthy rain delay, the ALCS preempted the Fox talent show The X Factor. Some viewers might not have noticed though, especially the way Rangers manager Ron Washington habitually went all Simon Cowell on his starting pitchers and showed them the door.


.....


Baseball's equivalent of the Geneva Convention, the established protocol of postseason engagement, has been suspended until further notice.


....


Small ball? Great starting pitching? Big payrolls? The might of the Northeast Corridor? None of these supposed October truisms matter in 2011, a prime number year that lacks divisors (other than 1 and itself) and logic.


....


Speaking of prime numbers, [Ron] Washington and St. Louis manager Tony La Russa combined to make a whopping 53 pitching changes.


....




Ok. Whatever. Some brutal and/or overwrought metaphors/analogy/similes in there. But this one is my absolute favorite (read: spit take quality hackery):

For La Russa, the founding father of the modern specialized bullpen, running an eight-man relief unit with a day off every two or three is like Dennis Kozlowski throwing a birthday party or Charlie Sheen on the company dime in Vegas: There is no such thing as excess.


HEYO!

This Week in Terrible Headline Puns

Really? Was "Doubting Thomas" not clever enough for CBS Sports? Or am I missing some deviously clever punneration?

Memo to ESPN: This Headline is Still Pretty Much Unacceptable. And Fuck You for the LeBron TV Thing

Still dumb and unnecessary, although less awful than yesterday's. What is the obsession with puns?



Headlines ESPN considered but rejected (most courtesy of Chris W):

Puyol la Tengo
Don't Put it in my Puyol
Pardon me but do you have any grey Pu-yol?
Spain't no Doubt About it
No Spain, No Gain
In Spain in the End Game
That's the Sound of Men Working on the Spain Gang
Are you a Germaid? No I'm a German
Spain Washes Hands, Kills Germ(an)s
A Bunch of Deutsch Bags

All of those would be better.



By the way, read this, because it's (unsarcastically) awesome. And not much else needs to be said about this LeBron ego fluff special tomorrow. It's a fucking disgrace. Wojnarowski nails it. The only way that won't be the most pathetic hour of manufactured TV in history is if LeBron comes out, says "I'm coming back to Cleveland... JUST PLAYIN'!" And then Donnie Walsh comes out cackling with a briefcase full of money, and LeBron puts on a solid gold crown with a Knicks logo on it.

I Beat All of You to It. Suck It.

This is a big, fucking, flagrant red flag. If you ever want a recipe for how not to write an article, aspiring sports journalists, this is it. Courtesy of everyone's favorite old guy tryin' to relate to the younguns, Gene Wojciechowski.

Jeter the name that matters
If Yankees' captain ever ended up on positive test list, baseball's done

The Essence of Beauty would never!!!! What an unholy thing to even suggest!

But in all honesty, Gene's right. If Jeter comes up dirty, attendance at Marlins games is going to fucking plummet.

BRONX BOMBSHELL: DEREK JETER SAYS HE USED STEROIDS

Well, what would you do if ESPN interrupted your regularly scheduled programming for that one?

I would laugh, have a beer, call 20 people, say "ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG!!!!! Baseball must be dead now!", and in all honesty, I would probably have to take a week's vacation and do nothing but write on this website. Remember when Eck won the World Series MVP award? Multiply that by 54. It would be an apocalyptic barrage of Wojciechowski-quality writing.

Would it be enough to make you shred your season tickets,

....for a team I root for that has zero players ever linked to steroids.

douse your baseball cards with charcoal fluid

Douse my whatball whats? It's 1991, right?

and delete America's pastime from your Facebook friends list?

I'd log on and do that Gene, except I'm too busy Tweetering while listening to Lady Googoo on my newfangled iPhonical Mobile Music n' SpeakToPeople device. Thanks for keeping with the times!

I am about 60% sure that Gene Wojciechowski thinks it's possible to be friends with "baseball" on Facebook.

If I ever see Jeter's name attached to the hip of performance enhancers, I'm done. I mean it -- I'll never watch another big league game again.

Why not just hold up a gigantic sign that says "I, Gene Wojciechowski, am the worst fan of anything in the history of things and people."

Because if Captain Pinstripes could do the Vitamin S deed, then anybody can.

Huh. You have a point there, Gene. There's no reason to be suspicious of Craig Counsell right now, but boy howdy, if that there Jeter's guilty, we can't trust anyone!

Jeter's name is where I draw the line in the PED sand.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's repeat ourselves for 8 straight sentences!

Hey, I've got an idea, let's repeat ourselves for 8 straight sentences!

Hey, I've got an idea, let's repeat ourselves for 8 straight sentences!

Hey, I've got an idea, let's repeat ourselves for 8 straight sentences!

Hey, I've got an idea, let's repeat ourselves for 8 straight sentences!

Hey, I've got an idea, let's repeat ourselves for 8 straight sentences!

Hey, I've got an idea, let's repeat ourselves for 8 straight sentences!

Hey, I've got an idea, let's repeat ourselves for 8 straight sentences!

He is the absolute last guy I'd ever suspect of juicing.

Really? What about like, Craig Counsell?

It seems so, well, beneath him.

I trust that Gene personally knows Jeter well enough to make this claim. It can't be that he's just salivating over The Essence of Beauty.

He is the one player who I actually think would walk away from the game if he thought he had to cheat to compete.

The only one. Really. You think that of the 750 guys on Major League rosters, that Derek Jeter is the only one capable of achieving that level of "morality".

You are an idiot.

To me, Jeter is the anti-Barry Bonds, the anti-Roger Clemens and the anti-Alex Rodriguez. He understands that if you compromise the game, you compromise yourself.

It's very easy to make stuff up and then publish it!

Bonds, who didn't need to cheat but did anyway, was undone by an ego the size of Alcatraz.

Fair.

Clemens, the pathological liar who tries to intimidate people into believing his gum-wrapper-thin explanations, cheated because he was "The Rocket'' and you're not.

Clemens, the [description of Clemens], cheated because [I don't have anything to say about Roger Clemens, nor do I have any clue why he did it, so I'm just going to type "because he was 'The Rocket' and you're not" and hope that people ignore it and keep reading].

And A-Rod, overpowered by the need to please and justify his historic contract, copped to at least three seasons of PED use -- but only after lying about it for years and only after he was cornered by the truth.

See? Nice and factual. He made you forget all about that awful Clemens line. Sneaky little devil......

Not Jeter. I can see him marrying Mariah Carey before I see him squirming in front of a Congressional hearing with the lawyered-up Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire.

Because he wouldn't be squirming. Imagine him standing in front of Congress, with those calm eyes cutting through the souls of every corrupt politician in the room, saying, "I've never taken steroids." Is there a poor sap in the joint that wouldn't believe him? Of course not. HE'S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!

Jeter would never put himself in that position. At least, that's what I want to believe.

So at least you admit that this is based purely on your personal conjecture, and not on any real evidence that Jeter is innocent.

Then again, I wanted to believe it with his New York Yankees teammate, A-Rod. More than anything, I wanted to believe in the integrity of Rodriguez's numbers.

You know, that Pujols fellow is being a tad overlooked. It's articles like this that make the man simultaneously the best player in the world and underrated. Why don't you write an article wondering if the best player in baseball is clean?

I'm not a Yankees honk.

A Yankees....what?

In fact, I want to scrape my ears with a steel-haired barbecue grill brush every time I hear play-by-play man John Sterling do that grating, "Thhhhhhhhhhhhe Yankees win!'' thing. But how can you not admire the way Jeter treats his craft? He is the template for baseball professionalism.

What does Derek Jeter do to deserve this label that like, Grady Sizemore does not?

That's why I'd need a year's worth of Dr. Oz therapy sessions if it turns out Jeter did the steroids deed. And I'm not the only one.

You know, the word "hyperbole" is thrown around a lot these days......

Yankees fans would go into permanent mourning if Jeter betrayed them. A-Rod's steroids admission they could handle; he was a free-agent import. Jeter, though, was born and raised by the organization.

Yankees fans would. Padres fans would not. Baseball would survive. I'm getting sick of this.

You think Yankees and you think Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle, Maris, Berra, Munson, Reggie and Jeter.

And Brosius, and Spencer, and JETER, and Williams, and JETER and Martinez, and, and David Cone, and JETER JETER JETER ZOMG I LOVE JETER HE GIVES ME TEH BIGGEST JOYGASMS EVERRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

Can you imagine if Albert Pujols, the man who eventually replaced McGwire at first base, was a syringe enthusiast? City officials would have to set up a baseball suicide prevention clinic at Busch Stadium. Cards fans adore Pujols.

There it is.

A Jeter steroids admission would be the deal-breaker for me. Pujols, too. If those guys went pharmaceutical, I couldn't go to a big league game if Bud Selig paid me.

Again....you don't seem to like baseball.

Ken Griffey Jr.? If The Kid did it, I'm gone.

Meh.

Chipper Jones? The same.

Are people even aware of Chipper Jones these days? Have they ever been?

Mariano Rivera? I'd think about it.

No calm eyes. That's why he isn't a dealbreaker.

Joe Mauer? The sound of weeping followed by my baseball resignation letter.

Mauer, though an absolutely great player, has barely had an impact on anything in his career (thinking mostly along the lines of what the Twins have done since he's been around...). Why Mauer?

Jim Thome? Baseball's nicest guy wouldn't do that to us, would he?

Don't you fucking dare say that around me.

Tim Lincecum? Sadness if The Freak was a fake.

You're just getting bored and creating verbal puns.

Trevor Hoffman? Hells bells, please not Hoffman.

See?

David Wright? See Mauer response.

That's just your way of saying "David Wright is awesome and uninteresting."

So far the game has survived the depressing revelations. It sort of coagulates, scabs up and then heals as best as it can.

There is an absolute dogfight going on for the NL Wild Card right now, but sure, I guess we should be dwelling on...::sigh::...this.

But there could come a time when the PED damage reaches a tipping point. For me, the magic number is 2.

Wait for it. I mean it. Just wait for it.

Jeter's jersey number.

BOOM!

Honestly Jeter, if you read this article and are guilty, please come clean just to spite this guy.

Two Quick Things

I'm on a haphazard roadtrip through the upper midwest at the moment.  I've come across two very brief things that merit mention:

1. The latest issue of SI has an article by good old Selena Roberts about aging NASCAR driver Mark Martin.  I have no idea if it's a good article (what constitutes good NASCAR journalism anyways?), but the title is one of the silliest things I've read recently:

The Old Man And the Wheeee!

Wow.

2. Last night a friend and I went to the Brewers/Mets game - Miller Park's a nice place and I enjoy the culture of tailgating that surrounds it.  But, more importantly, my friend and I replicated the sign displayed in this video (0:21 in). While we were standing outside the park, educating the public on Wade Boggs's ability to drink sixty-four beers on a cross-country flight, a couple of malcontents chirped up that they'd heard Wade on Dan Patrick's radio show recently and that he stated that the number was forty-eight.  Can anyone out in the blogiverse corroborate this story?

Now, of course, it's also true that Wade might be trying to downplay his prowess a little bit - just like he does in the original PTI segment where he ludicrously claims that "It's nothing to be proud of".  But if he did renounce his accomplishment, I'd like to know it so I can respond to challenges like this.

Oh, geez, I don't know, like seventy?

Punday, Bloody Punday

Sorry Chris W for burying you again. I HART you.

When I read an Associated Press game recap, I want the basics. Give me information on how the game unfolded, game implications, maybe some quotes or stats, etc. What I don't want is fluff, or even worse, puns. If I want puns, I'll try reading Woody Paige or some other columnist. Not you the AP, not youuuuuuuu......

Their first pun:

National chomps, indeed!

I can see it now: a lone AP reporter sits in a dark Miami pressbox, long after the game has ended. He needs to spice up his game recap, but how? Wait a second...the Gators are National CHAMPS, and sometimes Gators can CHOMP. Brilliant.

Still though, something feels off. The article feels a little too... "reporty" and "unbiased". What do all those other reporters who get bylines say that makes them special? Oh, they love scrappy, white athletes!!

His [Tebow] passing wasn't so precise -- 18-for-30 -- yet it was his sheer will that kept the Gators going.

Yes, his sheer will alone carried the National Chomps to victory! The reporter nodded his head as he typed these words. This fluff and cock-sucking is sure to get me noteriety, he thought. Just when he was almost finished he paused, smiled, and added one more clause to the article. As he emailed his editors, he made sure to CC the Pulitzer committee...

He [Tebow] got off the team bus, walked over to a clutch of Florida fans, waved his arms and then ripped off his tie and threw it into a bunch of tailgaters -- tail-Gators, in this case.

Ugh, alright, enough with the AP guy story. This is horrible, and honestly, totally inexcusable. Tail-Gators? Really? That needed to get added to the AP game recap? Disgusting.

Standard FireJayMariotti Template

Relocated from the Gustav aftermath, with a special shout-out to reader kclock, who is housing me temporarily and providing me with interweb access so I can get back to my regular blogolife, which is much different than my regularlife, which involves Qdoba on a regular basis, but only because it's right by my place. I hope Gustav didn't destroy it. Anyways! Enough about me!

I thought we should just have a standard template for how to produce our blog posts here, so here's the basics on how do to what we do. Don't try this at home, kids!

FireJayMariotti Blogpost Part 1: Story with ridiculous headline.

Snakes on a different plane since Dunn's arrival

What? Oh, how witty! "Plane" can mean both a flying vehicle and a geometric concept! And it was a crazzzy movie involving Samuel L. Jackson, summer blockbusters and questionable ironies! I have had it up to here with these cottonpicking pop culture references I found on this cottonpicking blog! [Blogger's note: click on that link for hilarity.]

FireJayMariotti Blogpost Part 2: Make fun of the writer.

Scott Miller, this is your seventh time getting served on this site - you're no Jay Mariotti or Jemele Hill, but you're creeping up the list. This post dates from Larry B's pre-capital letters era, but it's no less incisive at your incredible stupidity. I even found an old bit I wrote shortly after this blog even started, where you un-ironically dropped the phrase "True Yankee". "Senior Writer" my ass!

FireJayMariotti Blogpost Part 3: Point out writer's abuse of simple baseball metrics:

Since his arrival on Aug. 12, the Diamondbacks have gone 7-5 -- and yet doubled their NL West lead on the Dodgers, from 1½ games to three.

So... the Dodgers' recent spell of below .500 baseball can be directly attributed to the influence of Adam Dunn?

FireJarMariotti Blogpost Part 4: Blatantly expose writer's affection for baseball "intangibles" and devalue the writer's article as a result.

Interesting stuff, especially when measured against Dodgers coach Larry Bowa's anger at the team's blasé ways while getting swept in Philadelphia, and when measured against one scout's observation the other day that Matt Kemp, who always hustles, didn't run hard to first in a recent game. The haphazard influence of Manny Ramirez?

Anecdotal evidence, to be sure, and definitely not fair to attach it to Ramirez. But worth watching as the Diamondbacks and Dodgers race -- or, in this division, leisurely jog -- down the stretch.

If it's "definitely not fair" to attach it to Ramirez, why did you just do that, Scott?

Also, I'm pretty sure Manny's 1.235 (!) OPS for the Dodgers so far is a LOT MORE HELPFUL than Matt Kemp, who always hustles, hustling out a routine grounder.

FireJayMariotti Blogpost Part 5: Harp on the writer's word choice - choosing even as small a sample as ONE WORD to demonstrate how the writer is a complete idiot.

But for a young lineup still learning how good it can be, it's a whole lot easier to put theories into action when a slugger such as Dunn lurks in the middle and guys like Reynolds no longer feel like they need to stop in a telephone booth on the way to the plate and change into Superman.

Adam Dunn has never lurked anywhere, since he's 6'6". His nickname is "Big Donkey". Also, when you go to a baseball game, they post the lineup on the big scoreboard in bright lights, so everyone in the stadium, even the other team!, knows exactly when Adam Dunn is going to bat.

Also, this Mark Reynolds guy sounds pretty weird.

FireJayMariotti Blogpost Part 6: Discuss blogger's personal opinion and conclude with a parting one-liner.

I miss Adam Dunn in Cincinnati. The Reds are running a AAA outfield out there ever day, and I miss Adam Dunn's pretty impressive production. I find it hilarious that the very things for which Dunn was excoriated in Cincinnati:

• a laid-back attitude
  
• a predilection for walks that allegedly prevents him from driving in runs
• lack of leadership in the clubhouse

are now become things for which Dunn is praised in Arizona. It must be Dunn's grungy T-shirt, his mulleted hairstyle, his have-fun attitude: that's why Adam Dunn is carrying the D-backs to the playoffs.

Not his .995 OPS. That has nothing to do with it.

Now Here's an ESPN "Conversation" Featured Comment We Can All Actually Enjoy

(Sorry, my posting will be sporadic for the next couple weeks as I am in the process of moving... again. This will be my fifth time in the last two years, but hopefully the last time for the next three years. ANYWAYS, let's get to the joke.)

Re: an article about Chad Johnson's recent injury, WWWBUKTN says:

Maybe he will have to change his name to 'Oucho Cinco.'

Savor this one, folks. It's all downhill from here.

From the "awful puns" department

This gem came from the print edition of USA Today. Forgive the terrible image quality.

Not That This Is a Bad Article

But this quote from John Clayton's Chicago Bears Training Camp article struck me as pathetically funny:

The story of camp is Hester. Bears beat writer John Mullin officially named the 2007 camp, "The Devin Hester Experience." Watching him run routes is like listening to old Jimi Hendrix records -- explosive, exciting and unpredictable. Any fan would love to hang from the "Watchtower" to see the show.

Seriously?