An Overdue Roundup of the Worst of the Jeter Love

I'm sure you came to this blog today to read something that might make your day better.  Probably you came to read Larry's latest takedown of Simmons, and that seems to do the trick for some people.  But I doubt many of you came here with the intent to make your day worse. I apologize in advance, then, since this post drags up stuff that you had hopefully repressed by now, stuff that hasn't been in the news for a month now, stuff you didn't even want to think about back when it was news.  I'm talking about the ridiculous end-of-year Jeter adulation.  Yes, it was terrible, and if you watched even a few minutes of sports tv or read any sports websites in the month of September, you were subject to a cacophonous cavalcade of catastrophic commendation.

Hopefully we never hear from Jeter again, and he fades into the sunset until he is eventually elected into the Hall of Fame and we have to do another Jeter Month, which is something I'm looking forward to about as much as a car crash.  But it will have to be done, because everyone loves the steely-eyed shortstop so much that their brains turn to mush and they start spewing folderol.

Let's start with Jayson Stark: Ten Astounding Jeter Numbers

3,461. This, of course, is Derek Jeter’s hit total. And holy, schmoly, that’s a lot of hits. Heck, it’s more than Hank Greenberg and Shoeless Joe Jacksoncombined (3,400)

Way to cherry-pick the guy who gave up his age-30 to age-34 seasons to serve in World War II, as well as a guy whose career was ended partially because baseball needed a scapegoat.  Actually Hank Greenberg, in about half as many seasons, won two MVPs to Jeter's zero.  But that's giving the Hebrew Hammer some credit for doing things like hitting home runs, which is unfair because Jeter can't do it.  How about the fact that Shoeless Joe, in about half as many full seasons, led his league in hits as many times as Jeter?  Both of these guys were better baseball players than Derek Jeter.

2,673. Here’s another super-cool number. It’s the number of games Jeter has played at shortstop. And it's not only more games than Ernie Banks and Robin Yount played at short put together, but also the most games by any man in history who played one defensive position and never played anywhere else -- not even in the 19th inning, for one batter. Pete Rose played six positions. Ty Cobb played seven. Stan Musial played five (including pitcher). And Derek Jeter played one position. And only one. Now that’s how it ought to be done. 

This is a great number... to prove how much Jeter is a jerk.  In fact, Mr. Stark's conclusion here is totally wrong.  This is NOT how it should be done.  Frankly, when your team acquires acquires younger and better shortstop, you should move to third base, especially when he's actually better at fielding than you are.  

And besides that, the worst part about this paragraph is that Stark cites these other greats as examples of what not to do... Rose, Musial and Cobb shifted positions so they could help their teams put the best nine guys on the field. Jeter wouldn't even take a few steps to his right.  Not once, not even in the 19th inning for one batter.   

It's a disgrace that Jayson Stark is so eager to praise Jeter that he cites this stat as an example of Jeter's personal amazingness, as though it had nothing to do with his team. As though Derek Jeter personally had the courage and fortitude to only play shortstop for his whole career, while those other Hall of Famers were too weak to do so, or that Jeter was so astoundingly amazing the Yankees had no choice but to ever play him at shortstop for his whole career, even when they paid a quarter of a billion dollars to acquire a better one.  

Heck, you might even argue that playing multiple positions at a big-league level actually makes you a better all-around ballplayer. In my whole life I've never heard anyone equate playing more positions with being a worse player.

1. Finally, there’s this astounding number. According to Elias, it’s the number of games Jeter has played, in his entire career, in which his team, the mighty Yankees, was mathematically eliminated from some sort of race for some sort of trip to the postseason. One meaningless game in 20 seasons? Whoa. On one hand, it would be nuts to argue that was all Derek Jeter’s doing.

So then don't.  You have the chance here to NOT do that, but now you're going to go ahead and do that.  Terrible work here, Mr. Stark

On the other hand, what defines his career better than that? A man who lived for the big game -- and played nothing but big games. For 20 years. What better way to put a frame around the career of one of the greatest shortstops who ever turned a 4-6-3? 

I agree - a guy who consistently played for a really amazing team, a team with 20 straight years of consistently above-average to amazing baseball, and who benefitted, perhaps more than any player in history, from being a long-lasting above-average player who also happened to be surrounded by above-average players.  Has there been any other player who has benefitted as much as Jeter has from being on consistently good teams? 

Enough from Jayson Stark.  Here's a bit from Andrew, a guy who I think once actually posted something on this site.  He pointed me to a bit from Colin Cowherd on the radio: "Jeter was a .300 hitter, but he hit .350 every time he was in the world series . You don't see that with other players in other sports.Jordan didn't score more in the playoffs"

Andrew points out that Jordan's career ppg is 30.1, and his playoff ppg is 33.4. 

It's also worth noting that Jeter did not in fact his .350 every time he was in the World Series.  In fact, his career World Series average is only 12 points higher than his regular reason average, and that his career ALCS average is 53 points lower.  It's  also worth noting that one of Jeter's worst World Series performance overall was his only seven-game World Series (2001).where he hit .118 and did not walk. But I guess he did hit a clutch home run. But you'd think if he were so clutch, he might have helped his team a little more in that series. 

And just because I'm a glutton for punishment, I even went to MLB.com and found an article by somebody named Tim Healey that could not have had a more inaccurate title, even if it were titled "South Wins Civil War" or "Larry B Ascends Stairs to Parents' Kitchen". It's called "10 Jeter stats that demonstrate his dominance". An accurate title would be: 10 Jeter stats that demonstrate his team's dominance" or "10 Jeter stats that demonstrate his longevity" or "10 Jeter stats that demonstrate his PR team's dominance"

1. Winning percentage: .593 Jeter is the leader in personal winning percentage (minimum of 1,000 games) among active players, his career record of 1,626-1,116 producing that .593 mark.

Ow ow ow ow this hurts my brain so much.  My brains are leaking out my ears.Someday I will understand why people care that Jeter is the leader in personal winning percentage, like he was playing tennis or something. Are we going to add "wins" to the stat column for position players, too?

3. Two hundred-hit seasons: 8. Gehrig is the only other Yankee to collect 200 hits in a single campaign that many times. If you want to use consecutive seasons as a tiebreaker, Jeter twice had streaks of three straight seasons with 200-plus hits, while Gehrig only did that once. (Gehrig fell two 1933 hits shy of a five-season streak.)

Fine, I know that hits is Jeter's marquee stat. And eight 200-his seasons is really good. But the ridiculous thing is that Tim Healey is going to great lengths to show how, in this comparison, Jeter is better than Lou Gehrig, without bothering to mention that Lou Gehrig's chance at a second such streak in 1938 was cut short by the unfortunate and unlucky fact that Gehrig was CRIPPLED BY A TERRIBLE AND DEBILITATING NEUROMUSCULAR DISEASE.  (Aside Try saying that last sentence in your best Norm voice, like this clip). If Larrupin' Lou had been as good as Jeter he wouldn't have let that happen.

Oh, and that Gehrig would have almost certainly had a five-season streak if he had the benefits of Jeter's era, because Lou was playing in a 154-game season. Duh.

News flash to Tim Healey: if you've found a stat that proves that Jeter is better than Lou Gehrig, you're using the wrong stat. Unless you want to use longevity stats to show how much better Jeter was, in which case you're being a total asshole to a guy who might have been given a bad break, but who by all accounts was a much better human being than Jeter was.

7. Parting gifts: 18

Obviously this is a terrible article, and obviously it is the worst thing I've ever read about baseball, but this is even worse than that. Somehow this stat demonstrates Jeter's dominance?

Jeter's early retirement announcement was a savvy PR move. It's the classic getting ahead of the story move, so he could control the narrative, and thus nearly all of the stories were about his historic career, and not his below-average season, which may have contributed to the Yankees' missing the playoffs. And it meant that eighteen teams oughta be ashamed of themselves for puckering up to Jeter and giving expensive presents to a multimillionaire.

I can't even finish this article because it, somehow, actually goes downhill from there.

It's ten AM and I'm all set for a terrible day.  Hope I've made yours worse.

Tim Povtak owes his readers a refund

The following piece of garbage comes from Tim Povtak, Senior NBA Writer for Fanhouse.

Lebron James Owes Fans A Refund

LeBron James today needs to take the $192,437 he is paid for each game he plays -- or doesn't play -- and divide it evenly among the 20,562 people who bought tickets to the Cavs-Magic game Sunday afternoon.

He owes them each a refund check for $9.35.

Woah, woah, woah! $9.35 barely begins to cover the cost of floor seats. This is just another example of the rich getting screwed in Osama bin Barack Obamaladen's America.

That's the least he should do for mocking every fan at the arena who paid to see him play.

I really like to imagine that the "mocking" in question is that every fan sat down to find they'd just activated a whoopie cushion. Or Lebron went around shaking everyone's hand and then spraying them with water out of the gag-flower on his lapel. But sadly, that's not the case.

Cavs ownership that encouraged him should pay the rest of each ticket price, and mail those checks immediately.

No they shouldn't. That'd be a very dumb business move.

James, with the blessing of coach Mike Brown, sat out his third consecutive game Sunday, not because he was hurt, but because he wanted to rest up for the playoffs.

HOW DARE LEBRON WANT TO BE IN PEAK PHYSICAL CONDITION FOR THE PLAYOFFS! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

Joe Hardhat, who paid a day's wage three months ago to buy two good seats so his son could see his first Cavs game Sunday, deserves better treatment than this.

This is probably how Tim Povtak imagines the situation:

INT. LEBRON JAMES' HOME - DAY

POVTAK and LEBRON JAMES walk through an auto-parts testing line that's in Lebron's house for some reason.

POVTAK: But Lebron, you can't skip Sunday's meaningless game against Orlando! Joe Hardhat bought tickets for him and his son.

LEBRON: What's that catchphrase I have? "I play basketball games for the American working man because that's who I am, and that's who I care about." The truth is, I play basketball for the American working man because I'm a hell of a salesman, and he doesn't know any better.

(A car with with CRASH TEST DUMMIES slams into a wall)

LEBRON: God, I love that.

It's arrogance at the NBA's worst.

If Lebron skipping that game was even in the top 10 of most off-putting self-aggrandizing moves by NBA players on that day, I'd consider it a giant leap forward for the league.

It's why James never will earn the respect that was once given to Michael Jordan. Maybe James should think again about that number change to honor him.

Yes, Michael Jordan: paragon of commitment. He was so devoted to the NBA that he un-retired TWICE after leaving the NBA before the game had past him by.

It's why he just lost my vote for NBA Most Valuable Player. If he doesn't think it's important enough to play all 82 -- or at least try -- then he isn't good enough to be the MVP.

MVP apparently now meaning "Most Voluntarily Played (games)."

If stars like James think it's too taxing to play 82 games, then they should offer to reduce salaries during the upcoming collective bargaining talks, and ask to play fewer games. Or set up a refund system.

You are a lunkhead extraordinaire. Cleveland management is more than willing to pay Lebron to sit out meaningless games if they think it's likely to increase his performance in the playoffs. Moreover, I'm sure Cavs fans feel the exact same way. In fact, the only people who might be peeved about this situation are the fans of opposing teams, who Lebron has no obligation to please.

James wants to be treated like the game's best player, but he doesn't want to carry the responsibility that comes with it. Fans don't buy $100 tickets to watch him sit in a nice suit, chatting up Shaquille O'Neal on the sideline. O'Neal was recovering from a broken thumb. James was stealing money.

Another thing I like to imagine: Lebron James stealing the money out of O'Neal's wallet.

Feel sorry for the guy in section 118, row F, seat 6 who watched Jamario Moon get introduced in the starting lineup.

Yes, it's a bummer for that guy. It'd also be a bummer for Cleveland fans if the Lebron got hurt during a game that had no bearing on the Cav's season.

Although he likes to think he knows NBA history, he must not. The greatest thing about Jordan was that he played every game he could.

Except when he was playing baseball.

He loved the game, and he respected the fans, something James hasn't learned just yet.

Jordan is a noted asshole to fans. Just ask Chamillionaire!

Apparently, James never watched the old school guys like Karl Malone and John Stockton in Utah, who combined to play every game a whopping 27 times in their careers.

And won a whopping 0 NBA titles.

Magic center Dwight Howard takes more of a pounding than anyone in the league

Dwight Howard for "Most Valuable Pounding!"

James has yet to finish a season by playing in all 82 games, which will be a clear mark against him when he is judged against the all-time great players in NBA history. Does he really respect the game?

Lebron, you've got a lot of growing up to do, I'll tell you that. Ridiculous! Completely ridiculous! Can you believe this character? Way out of line! Way out of line! Have a good mind to go to the commissioner about this. You know what hurts the most is the...the lack of respect. You know? That's what hurts the most. Except for the... Except for the other thing. That hurts the most. But the lack of respect hurts the second most.

Thinking Outside the Box: Not a Good Idea In Certain Situations

When is thinking outside the box a bad idea?

1. When you're on a spacewalk and your box holds all your air.
2. When you're on a dinghy in the middle of the Indian Ocean and your box is keeping you out of the shark-infested waters.
3. When you're Tom Brady and your box is already better looking than just about all the other boxes at the box factory.
4. When you've lost at the game of baseball for fifteen straight seasons so you start signing random guys from other continents who won a reality show about pitching.

Bucs sign two 20-year-old inexperienced pitchers from India

PITTSBURGH -- The Pittsburgh Pirates hope Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel really do have million-dollar arms.

I like how the verb in this sentence is "hope". The Pirates don't seem convinced at all that either of these guys have million dollar arms. Sucks to be a Pirates fan.

The two 20-year-old pitchers, neither of whom had picked up a baseball until earlier this year, signed free-agent contracts Monday with the Pirates. They are believed to be the first athletes from India to sign professional baseball contracts outside their country.

What about Chief Bender? What about Louis Sockalexis? What about Joba Chamberlain?

Is there a minimum salary for a free-agent contract? I would like to know exactly how much money the Pirates are wasting on two twenty-year olds who have never played baseball before.

Singh and Patel came to the United States six months ago after being the top finishers in an Indian reality TV show called the Million Dollar Arm that drew about 30,000 contestants. The show sought to find athletes who could throw strikes at 85 miles per hour or faster.

I wonder what the ratings were for that show. Also, I can't wait until ABC comes out with a wildly popular reality show called Million Dollar Leg, where a country full of arm-based sports players has to find contestants who will try to kick a ball at 50 miles an hour into a really big net, then go to Europe and fail at that professional sport. I think it'll be even more of a hit than my current project - resurrecting Yes, Dear. Also, soccer sucks.

While neither pitcher threw hard enough to earn the $1 million prize, Singh made $100,000 from the contest and Patel made $2,500, plus his trip to the United States.

So... what you're saying is... the Pirates signed both of these guys and neither of them can throw eighty-five miles an hour?

The contest was sponsored by a California sports management company that believed it could locate major league-worthy arms in a country of more than one billion. After working extensively with Southern California pitching coach Tom House since May, the pitchers staged a tryout in Tempe, Ariz., on Nov. 6 that was attended by 30 major league scouts.

I'm sure there are people in India who are physically capable of throwing a ball hard. As most baseball fans know, big muscles and strong players do not a ballplayer make.

Baseball scouts have to be the most anonymous people ever. Their names are as better hidden than Valerie Plame's!

Snap! Political joke!

"The Pirates are committed to creatively adding talent to our organization," Pirates general manager Neal Huntington said Monday. "By adding these two young men, the Pirates are pleased to not only add two prospects to our system but also hope to open a pathway to an untapped market. We are intrigued by Patel's arm strength and Singh's frame and potential."

I can picture this conversation on the phone here (fast-forward to about 2:05 if you're busy and don't appreciate good comedy):

Indian GM: Hey, we have some players here. Yo, Neal is that you?

Huntington: Yeah, yeah.. it's me.. Neal.

Indian GM: Yeah man, we just finished laying a beat-down on the Bombay Bombers. Let me go get Terishna --

Huntington: No no no, don't get Terry - listen, there are some guys going around in baseball uniforms but they're not REAL baseball players. They're about to rob a bunch of money from the Pittsburgh Pirates...

dan-bob: DON'T BE FOOLED.

Neither pitcher has taken the mound in a game situation, no doubt a first for a Pirates prospect. They have pitched in scrimmages against junior college competition.

Depending on how you define it, it wouldn't be hard to argue that no Pirates pitcher has taken the mound in a "game" situation since 1991.

Both threw the javelin in India, a country best known for producing cricket players, and neither the right-hander Patel nor the left-hander Singh had left his small village before coming to the United States. Singh was born in Bhadoni, Uttar Pradesh, and is the youngest of nine children. Patel is from Varanasi, Uttar Pradesh, and has four brothers and sisters.

I'd like to buy a vowel?

The 5-foot-11, 185-pound Patel hit 90 mph on the radar gun during his tryout, and the 6-2, 195-pound Singh topped out at 84 mph. Each has thrown harder during workout sessions that weren't attended by scouts.

1. "They threw harder when nobody was looking" sounds like a lousy cop-out.

2. There must be at least 23,456 20-year-old Americans who can top out at 84 mph, and 12,345 20-year old Americans who can top out at 90 mph. But since the Pirates have spent 15 years failing to sort the good American players from the bad American players, they're probably like, fuck it, at least we're trying something different.

"Think of them as two Dominican kids," House told the scouts. "They're very raw. But I think this has a huge upside."

Except Dominican kids know the rules to, and can play, baseball.

When they first came to the United States and began playing catch, the pitchers were mystified by the concept of gloves and had to be taught not to try to catch the ball with their bare hands.

Baseball gloves made of cow! Cannot touch! This is a pretty low-brow joke; I am making the outrageous stereotypical assumtption that these two young men are practicing Hindus!

Good thing baseballs are made of horsehide!

Despite being more than raw, the pitchers were signed by well-known agent Jeff Borris, who was attracted by their potential after watching them work out at Southern Cal. Borris estimates they will need three to four years of minor league experience before becoming major league ready.

I guess Borris is just looking for something to do now that he's finally given up the charade of trying to get teams to sign Barry Bonds.

Patel and Singh are learning English, most of which they have picked up from watching ESPN's Baseball Tonight and by taking online classes.

...

They're learning English by watching BASEBALL TONIGHT? That has to be the second-worst idea ever, after the Hindenburg.

Chris Berman, Buck Showalter and John Kruk: licensed English teachers.

"These young men have improved a tremendous amount in their six-month exposure to baseball and we look forward to helping them continue to fulfill their promise," Huntington said.

Yeah, OK, NEAL. Instead of picking up random athletes from foreign countries, why don't you teach your organization how to find GOOD pitchers who already exist in this country?

The signings represent a shift in policy for the Pirates, who have mostly ignored non-traditional markets such as Asia for players.

Going back to my opening bit: sometimes, thinking outside the box is not a good idea.

Seeking out non-traditional sources of talent: not a bad idea, in principle.

Signing the winners of a reality tv show in India: stupid idea.

Peter King: Fat, Oblivious

So, there you are tubby. You look like a bucket of lard on a bad day. You baby gorilla. Why don't you work a zoo, and stop bothering people.

Kerry Collins is back, and he's not going anywhere. I don't know how many quarterbacks in the NFL today can go on the road, play the most fearsome defense in football, take a mugging for three-and-a-half quarters, then drive his team 80 yards in 11 plays to win the game. How many, really? Four? Five? I don't know.

That's right, you don't know. Much like anything that's not related to Denny's Grand Slam menu, you're totally clueless. Here's a little bit of information: Joe Flacco was having a terrible day against Pittsburgh last week, then led an 80 yard TD drive at the end of the 4th quarter. Does that make him one of the four or five best QBs in the league? No, no, no, no, and no.

Also, Flacco and Collins stats from Sunday:

Collins: 17/32, 163 yds, 1 td, 2 int
Flacco: 18/27, 153 yds, 0 td, 2 int

Kerry Collins: HOF Class 20??

The Giants are a pretty deep team. What must Plaxico Burress have been thinking in Miami or New Jersey, if he had his TV on Sunday? There was his sub, Domenik Hixon, rushing and receiving for more than 100 yards in the first half against Seattle before going out with a slight concussion, and there were the Giants, crushing the Seahawks 44-6, with their best receiver serving a one-game suspension.

My guess is he was thinking, "Shit, I could've padded my stats to a ridiculous degree against this embarrassing excuse for a football team. Holy shit, look at that white guy in the secondary! FUCK!"

Seriously, is Peter King really that dumb that he can't deduce the following:

IF Team A has an epically bad defense
AND Team B has an above average offense
THEN it doesn't mean shit that the Giants scored 44 points against the Seahawks without Burress

The Fine Fifteen

1. New York Giants (4-0). This is not only a defensively intimidating team and offensively efficient team, but also a very deep team. Tom Coughlin suspends his best receiver for a game, and his plug-in guy, Domenik Hixon, probably the fifth receiver coming out of training camp, outgains Seattle 117-115 and out-touchdowns the Seahawks 1-0 in the first half.

This is a commentary on the Seahawks, not the Giants, you dumb fuck.

2. Tennessee (5-0). Best game by a quarterback with a 52.0 passer rating in a long, long time.

No, it was a shitty game by a guy who had a 52.0 passer rating, but his team managed to win in spite of him.

4. Pittsburgh (4-1). No team in the history of NFL byes needs a bye like the Steelers right now.

Wait, the Steelers have injuries to important players? That has literally never happened to an NFL team before. I also literally shit my pants when I read that last sentence.

9. Baltimore (2-2). Joe Flacco's quite a bright prospect. Joe Flacco worries the heck out of me.

Me: Hey Peter, do you think I should go to the beach today?
PK: Yeah, go for it. The beach is a lot of fun.
Me: Great, I'll go get--
PK: But the beach can also be really boring and not fun.
Me: Uh...thanks, brah.

c. I've nailed you a few times, Warren Sapp,

PROBABLY NOT THE ONLY NFL PLAYER UV NAILED, LOLZ!!1

h. Kyle Orton looks more and more like the answer for Chicago, at least temporarily.

So, in other words, he may or may not be the answer. You see, that's Peter King using his access to tell you things that you, the average slack jawed American, could never figure out.

4. I think this is what I didn't like about Week 5:

b. In Wisconsin, at 1:05 p.m. local time Sunday afternoon, the Brewers were down 5-0 and the Packers down 17-7.

20 years from now, we'll all be able to tell our kids where we were at 1:05 pm on Sunday October 5, 2008.

f. This isn't Delaware, Joe Flacco. The strength of your arm won't get the ball through defenders. They'll catch it here.

I get it Flacco sucked. He's not that great right now. Might not ever be. But he threw the exact same number of picks as your new man hero, Kerry Collins, so please at least be consistent, you fucking asshat.

b. One other dumb playoff baseball thing: During the White Sox-Rays opening game, TBS showed 2008 fights between the Rays and Yanks, then the Rays and Red Sox, and Harold Reynolds said this sent a signal that the Rays wouldn't be pushed around by the power teams of their division anymore. Presto! Division title. What crappola. The Rays have been fighting for years. They brawled with the Sox in 2000 and finished 69-92. They brawled with the Sox in 2004 and finished 70-91. They brawled with the Sox in 2005 and finished 67-95. If you're going to use clichés, at least make them true.

The irony is too much.

g. First two games of the BoSox-Angels series ended at 1:25 and 1:29 a.m., respectively. There's some East Coast love.

Angels season ticket holders should be required to skip work to accommodate Peter King, et all East Coast baseball fans.

i. You're the smart one, Bill Plaschke. You recognize Manny Ramirez quit on a great team once, and he'll do it again. In the first three innings Saturday night, Ramirez scored from first on a hard double to right, then tagged up at first base and went to second on a medium-deep fly to center field. I can guarantee you that in eight years in Boston he didn't do those two things in one season, never mind twice in one three-inning stretch.

Looking at game logs will no doubt prove Peter King right. Don't bother questioning the legitimacy of his claim.

l. Finally got to see the premiere of Family Guy, and if I had to pick, I'm not sure which TV character I'd chose as the best in history -- George Costanza, Barney Fife, James West or Brian the dog. Brian's quite a maverick.

Yep, that's the reason Brian is funny...because he is a maverick. Look out Dean of Cinema and Telvision Studies at USC, this guy's gonna eat your lunch...LITERALLY!