Jose Canseco Update

Just so you know: Jose Canseco got his ass beat in his MMA debut, lasting a mere 1 minute 17 seconds. Well, at least he made some money. Which was the point.

Here's the full YouTube video of the fight, which includes all the silly pre-hype and the entire fight, in which the 6-4 Jose Canseco looks like a toy poodle getting kicked around by his owner, the 7-2 Hong Man-Choi.

Here's a quote I never thought I would ever hear, spoken by the announcer of the fight [if you don't believe this, watch the video]:

"I've got to say, cerebral fight so far from Jose Canseco!"

Too bad he wasn't cerebral enough to last a minute and a half.

From the news article:

“That’s a big man,” Canseco said after the fight. “I ran into one of his left jabs and that almost knocked me out. You have no idea how scary it was facing a man that big.”

"But I'd gladly do it for a few thousand bucks," continued Canseco, " Really anything to keep me in the spotlight."

"Why did you run into one of his left jabs?" asked dan-bob. "Really, why did you even schedule this fight in the first place? Is money really worth getting ass-whipped in public, you has-been retreat?".

Not Really Bad Writing So Much As It's Great Entertainment

Beware: astounding pun ahead.


AP: Canseco set to take his cuts in MMA

ANOTHER great pun.

Jose Canseco used his mammoth muscles to take pitchers deep and trade blows with Danny Bonaduce. Now the former MVP will step onto the mat and try MMA.

Is Danny Bonaduce so well-known that the casual reader will immediately recognize him? I mean, I know I'm reasonably television-illliterate, but this Bonaduce guy seems like a pretty low-level celebrity.

In his latest attempt to cash in on his flagging post-baseball career, Canseco is set to make his mixed martial arts debut on May 26 in Japan. The former Oakland A's slugger and tell-all author is fighting South Korean Hong Man Choi on the Dream 9 card in Yokohama Arena.

Awesome! I wonder why he's doing it in Japan - that seems to defeat the purpose of capitalizing on his name recognition to bring viwers, unless Jose Canseco's name recognition in Japan is higher in Japan than it is in the USA... which, if that's the case, I have seriously mis-characterized how awesome Japanese people are.

Choi is a 7-foot-2, 330-pound super heavyweight and has a 1-2 record in MMA.

Awesome. Mr. Choi is also 12-5 as a professional kickboxer. Also, he is fucking enormous.

"I have no idea if I can do it," Canseco said Thursday night. "It's a tough sport."

Jose, I'm glad you have no idea what you're getting into. It confirms my previous sentiment that you are the kind of idiot who could be getting himself into a brutal ass-whipping just to try and rescuscitate a moneyed, celebrity lifestyle that has passed you by.

Canseco has written two books, starred in a pair of reality shows, and had two celebrity boxing bouts since his 17-year baseball career ended. He boxed Bonaduce, a former "Partridge Family" child star,

Oh. I see, so Bonaduce gets explained later. Also, I would hate being called a "child actor" - it implies that your career has since stopped, and that you somehow peaked in your chosen profession by the age of twelve.

to a majority draw in a match in January. Canseco was listed at 6-4 and 260 pounds for that exhibition bout that featured only three, 1-minute rounds.

So he will be ten inches and seventy pounds outmanned by Mr Choi.

Canseco, who named names of alleged steroid abusers like himself in his two books, lost to former Philadelphia Eagle Vai Sikahema in his first foray into celebrity boxing.

Here's the wikipedia account of that fight, which is really worth reprinting here in its entirety:

In May 2008, Vai Sikahema accepted a challenge from Canseco to fight him for $30,000. Canseco claims to have earned black belts in Kung Fu, Taekwondo, and Muay Thai, while Sikahema fought in the Golden Gloves tournament won by Sugar Ray Leonard. The fight took place on July 12th in Atlantic City at the Bernie Robbins stadium. The 5'9" Sikahema knocked out the 6'4" Canseco in the first round.

Key things to note: Canseco "claims to have earned" the belts (well done, unknown Wiki-editor!). Also note: Canseco did not only lose the bout, he was knocked out by a guy who is seven inches shorter than him and is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Canseco's girlfriend, Heidi Northcott, said the MMA deal was presented to Canseco about two weeks ago. The 1988 AL MVP is part of a card that includes an eight-man open-weight tournament and is being called the Super Hulk Tournament.

Jose, can you see... the roundhouse punch from a seven-foot South Korean monster coming directly at your face?

And Here I Thought I Knew What Unnecessary Meant.....

I can't fucking believe this was written. There couldn't be a thing in the world more irrelevant. Here's my thought: no Chicago team did anything worth bitching about, so JayBird's digging deep to bash the Sox for something they did in 2001. Two. Thousand. Fucking. One. I hope you're ready for a fuckton of irrelevancies, because here we go.

I once asked Magglio Ordonez about steroids. It was three years ago, after his divorce from the White Sox and shortly before fellow countryman Ozzie Guillen called him ``a Venezuelan (bleep),'' and I wondered if Ordonez had observed or suspected any steroids use on a Sox team known for sluggers.

He responded by mumbling something under his breath, but what I remember most was the perplexed look on Ordonez's face. His eyebrows were raised, arching higher than the central Florida sun, as if I knew more than I was supposed to know. A simple ``no'' would have worked -- unless, of course, ``no'' wasn't the truth.

Here's the likely real story....from 3 years ago.

Jay Mariotti: Yo Maggs, do you know of anyone on the Sox that's juicing?

Magglio Ordonez: (raises his eyebrows higher than the fucking central Florida sun, perplexed as hell at why he is being bothered by a loud talking doughnut, utters under his breath) Get away from me, you fat shit.....

3 years later.....

Jay Mariotti: There must have been something funny going on with that Ordonez fellow.....

This weekend at the Palmer House Hilton, snarling fans will continue a Soxfest tradition. They'll demand straight answers from general manager Ken Williams, who would have more fun sleeping naked at Wrigley Field in a snowstorm. They will ask why he left the rotation filled with craters, why he whiffed badly on Torii Hunter and Miguel Cabrera and why he keeps talking about a championship when finishing .500 seems like a -- cue the silly Hawkeroo -- ``stretch, stretch, stretch.''

This is getting so old......

1) Didn't whiff on Hunter. He was even going to overpay for Hunter before that dumbass Reagins upped the bid despite already having a good center fielder. Swisher is a better player.

2) In what universe did the White Sox even have close to an attractive package to offer for Miguel?

But if the good people are true baseball loyalists, they won't focus on 2008 at the session as much as 2001. That was when Williams, in a signing that reeked even before we completely grasped the monumental impact of steroids, purchased Jose Canseco from the Newark Bears of an independent league.

What the fuck??????

SoxFest is a convention allowing fans to ask the GM and manager questions about the upcoming baseball season.

Jay Mariotti just said that if these fans are true to baseball, they would interrupt all the interesting dialogue and debate about the upcoming season to interrogate him on why he signed a man of questionable character to play half a season when the White Sox had little-to-no chance to make the playoffs seven fucking seasons ago

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?!??!?!?!??!?!