Bill Simmons revisits one of the stupidest things he's ever written, somehow makes it even stupider, part 2

A lot has happened since I posted part one a couple days ago. On Tuesday night the Celtics lost in Denver. That's nothing to be ashamed of, Denver is the one of the best home teams in the NBA, but what's notable about the loss is that the Celtics played very well. Almost well enough to win.  They led at halftime, held the Nuggets under 100 points (which is extremely difficult to do in Denver), and had the ball, down four, with about a minute to go. The real reason they ended up losing, though, was that they had a lot of empty possessions in the second half. They settled for a lot of long jumpers. They went long stretches without attacking the rim and shot 20 fewer free throws than the Nuggets. Hmmm, I wonder who might have been able to help out with those two issues? Bill has already established that they play better without Rondo so the answer is definitely not "Rajon Rondo, the All Star point guard who can get into the paint to shoot or pass on pretty much every possession regardless of what the defense is doing."

Then on Wednesday night the Celtics went into LA and got beaten by the LOL6for24s. Unlike the Denver game, I didn't watch this one, but the Lakers shot eleven more free throws than Boston. Draw your own conclusions. I'm sure most Celtics fans would conclude that THE REFS FACKED US but if this game was anything like the Denver game, it's not the case. Boston probably didn't get to the rack to draw contact. KG looks really soft in the post these days. Other than the fact that he's 45, I wonder why that is? Anyways, Bill was telling us about how the Ewing theory is very real and should be taken very seriously, because the Celtics are definitely better off without their best player.

To their credit, the old farts took a backseat. Pierce even deferred to Rondo at the ends of tight games, something I never expected to see. But things turned goofy early — Rondo became obsessed with keeping a double-figures assist streak alive.

Evidence/support provided for this: zero. This might be an even worse unsubstantiated hit on Rondo's character than "He only makes teammates better ON HIS OWN TERMS" and "he pretends to lead without leading."

And not in a good way. He wasn't making the right decision every time, just the decision most likely to produce an assist.

Holy shit.

And not in a good way. He wasn't making the right decision every time, just the decision most likely to produce an assist.

Other than taking layups when they're available, the decision most likely to produce an assist IS the right decision for a point guard like Rondo who doesn't have a very good jumper, you fucking clod.

Defenses played Rondo for the pass on every drive and fast break, turning the streak into something of an ongoing detriment.

I get that passing up a wide open layup in the interest of another guy's contested layup or jumper is a bad thing, and I admit that I don't watch the Celtics enough to really know whether this is something he's ever done with regularity.  But given that Bill has GODDAMN NEGATIVE ZERO credibility with me, I'm going to guess this claim that Rondo was sabotaging fast breaks to pad his assist totals is just another car-sized pile of elephant shit.

I loathed the streak. It was a bad look for Rondo — you don't want your leader chasing numbers, even something as seemingly benevolent as assists.

Yeah, what good have assists ever done for any team ever?

The streak mercifully ended when Rondo got tossed for fighting Kris Humphries in a loss to the Nets,

Side note, make sure you watch this. If whoever wrote this wrote all the commercials on TV, I'd never use my DVR's fast forward capability.

but questions about Rondo's ultimate destiny as a franchise player lingered.

Debates about a player's "franchise player" status are only slightly less retarded than debates about their "elite" status (see: Flacco, Joe).

You are who you are after seven years in the league. Every night you could put Rondo down for 13 points, 11 assists and five rebounds. And every two weeks or so, he'd slap together four quarters that took your breath away. But Rondo wasn't just going to start averaging 22 points a game; it would have happened by now. For a Celtics team specifically built for him, that's the biggest reason they played a half-season of .500 ball. You're only as good as your best guy.

How dare he only score 13.7 PPG while leading the league in assists!

They couldn't ever beat Miami in a playoff series without Rondo

Don't backpedal too quickly, you'll trip over your own feet.

— the only Celtic who could swing two games in a series by himself.

Right, because he's their best fucking player, which is why they're not better off without him.

But short-term? Maybe our boys would rally without him.

If they got a long homestand against Charlotte, Orlando, etc., then yeah, I bet they would. They just might have been able to pull off that same rally with him in the lineup, too! Meanwhile, now that that homestand is over, they just got beaten by double digits by a mediocre Lakers team (against whom Rondo would have represented an absolute matchup nightmare). But go on.

We knew the schedule worked in their favor: Six of eight home games post-Miami (and Toronto and Charlotte on the road).

Even if it's way too late, at least he's addressing it. Now watch him blow past it like it never happened.

We knew Rondo's departure would inadvertently create a more stable playing rotation — now, Avery Bradley, Courtney Lee and Jason Terry would get enough minutes,

Finally! Minutes for an all defense no offense no real position 7th man, a guy on his fourth team in five years, and 35 year old Jason Terry!

and so would the perpetually frustrating Jeff Green. We knew there was a chance — repeat: a chance — that Garnett and Pierce would rally as a subtle Eff You to Rondo,

No.

their annoying little brother who drove them bonkers even if he would always be family, someone who acted like a bit of a diva behind the scenes, someone who wouldn't exactly win a popularity contest with the people around the organization. An intelligent, demanding, thoughtful guy … yes. But frustrating. That's the word you always hear.

That's the narrative you invent in order to try to prop up your idiotic theory.

The bigger point: With Rondo, Boston had the league's 26th most efficient offense. This seems relevant since the NBA has only 30 teams. How much would they REALLY miss him on a daily basis?

We'll know in a few months, after they've started Bradley at PG for 30ish games (6 points, 4 rebounds, 4 assists in 35 minutes against LA; 17 points (cool!), 3 rebounds, 0 assists and 3 turnovers (oh.) against Denver). I'm sure it'll work out just fine.

How hard was it to replace 13 points and 11 assists every night? Couldn't you replace 80 percent of those stats?

With one player? While he also plays solid defense and sets up the offense?

It was conceivable, right?

No.

Either way, they had reached a fork in the road — if the season went south, they'd certainly have to trade Pierce (Warriors?) and Garnett (Clippers?) over sentencing them to Lotteryville. That was the right thing to do.

Simmons is such a goddamn drama queen. Seriously, it's pathetic.

At the same time, we needed a few more games. They showed some fight against the Heat. We hadn't seen this team fight more than four times all year.

WE AHH THE MOST TAHHCHAHHHED FAN BASE OF ALL!

You know what happened next. They reeled off seven straight Rondo-less victories to the delight (and semi-confusion) of their just-when-I-thought-I-was-out-they-pull-me-back-innnnnnnnnn fans.

Most of whom take their cues from people like Dan Shaugnessy and Bill Simmons, so really, I imagine they get semi-confused by all kinds of things. I bet they struggle with child-proof lids.

Somewhere during that time, we realized two things.

1. We're not ready to say good-bye to no. 5 and no. 34 yet. Can't trade them. Can't trade them. Can't trade them. Celtics for life.

/Larry B hangs head

Seriously, Bill, just listen to yourself. It's embarrassing.

2. Even if it makes no sense whatsoever, our boys are playing better without Rondo.

They are not, at least not more than marginally so. A couple weeks ago, they were playing more shitty opponents than normal and winning close games at home. Now they have stopped doing that. They are much worse off without Rajon Rondo because he is awesome, no matter how much you want to believe that he does things like "only make teammates better on his own terms" and "pretend to lead, but not actually lead." You are a fucking bozo.

Our eyes weren't deceiving us. The Celtics moved the ball dramatically better without Rondo, to the point that Steve Kerr texted me that they suddenly reminded him of Popovich's Spurs.

This is because they had no true point guard on the floor. KG and Pierce can play like point forwards occasionally, but it's not an every possession solution. And as I said, I watched the Denver game on Tuesday--Kerr was going about twenty steps too far with the Spurs comparison. Denver is not exactly known for its stifling defense, and the Celtics offense was... decent. Until the second half, when it switched to awful.

Their playing rotation fell into place — they finally had enough minutes for everyone. Defensively, the Avery Bradley–Courtney Lee combo could be destructive;

I sure as shit hope so, because neither of those guys has anywhere near the offensive ability to justify playing 30+ minutes per game.

throwing in Green and Garnett, suddenly, this Celtics team could get stops. And these guys like playing with each other,

A classic Simmons "I made this up but you can't prove it wrong" staple. Good to see he's still playing his classics.

which wasn't always the case. Everything crested with last Thursday's thrashing of the Lakers, then Sunday's epic triple-overtime toenail-biter-of-a-heart-attack home win over Denver (a.k.a. "The Blizzard Game").

MegaLOLZ @ coming up with a nickname for a regular season game against a non-rival in February.

Heading into the All-Star break, Celtics fans find themselves checking the standings and thinking, "If we can get to the no. 6 seed, 

You won't,

we could beat Indy in Round 1, 

you wouldn't,

and the Knicks in Round 2, 

you might beat them if you face them in the first round, although I'd be surprised,

and then LeBron only needs to tweak a hammy and … "

he won't, and you're not getting out of the first round anyways. GO FUCK YOURSELF, YOU'RE A TERRIBLE WRITER AND A WORSE ANALYST.

More later, maybe.

Bill Simmons revisits one of the stupidest things he's ever written, somehow makes it even stupider, part 1

I spent quite a bit of time this weekend on this long, meandering, whining post about Justin Upton, home/road splits and park factors.  I probably got 75% of the way through it, re-read it, decided it sucked, and didn't publish it.  Maybe I will try to rework it and publish it later this week.  Long story short, Upton has spent his whole career in a very good hitter's park and has very extreme home/road splits (.250/.325/.406 lifetime on the road).  Of course many hitters have significant home/road splits, but those road numbers are flat out shitty.  And the reason I wanted to rant about it on this far-reaching platform is that pretty much no one brought this up while he was on the block or after he was traded to Atlanta.

This doesn't bother me in and of itself--it just bothers me because I'm a Rockies fan (yes, I know you don't give a shit), and any time a Rockies hitter is up for a postseason award, or is on the trading block (as Carlos Gonzalez was rumored to be last season), the immediate response from every baseball writer and casual fan in the fucking country is LOL COORZ FIELD THIS GUY ACTUALLY SUX HE WOULD HIT .100 WITH 2 HRS AT SEE LEVEL.  And God that just makes me want to commit arson.  Especially when a guy like Upton, who hits like an AAAA player anywhere not called Chase Field, is crowned biggest acquisition of the offseason coming off a year in which he accumulated 2 rWAR and OPSed .670 on the road.  You can see how turning that into a 2000 word post might get very tedious, and for considering posting a much longer version of this tripe, I am a true shitdick.  I apologize for making you read even this much about it.  In summary, my life is very difficult and I deserve a medal for getting out of bed every morning.

Anyways, on to something you might actually want to read about.

The Ewing Theory is completely and totally fucking idiotic.  It's at or near the top of the list of most idiotic things ever to come from the brain of one of sports media's biggest idiots.  For every example of a time when a team lost a star player and then played great the rest of the season/the next season, there are like four hundred examples of teams losing star players and then not being nearly as good the rest of the season/the next season.  It's so basic in its stupidity that I feel like I am patronizing you just by explaining what's wrong with it.  Nevertheless, it continues to be referenced by Bill and the mouthbreathers who adore him like it's deserving of serious attention and reflection, because Bill and his mouthbreathers have the critical thinking skills of goldfish.  And now that the Celtics have played pretty well for nine games after losing Rajon Rondo, he's revisiting his theory in what I can only guess is an attempt to make my brain explode.  Game on.  (My posting volume is way down lately, not that you noticed or cared.  In an effort to jumpstart my blogging, I'll try going after this article in a bunch of smaller pieces.  In theory this is part 1 of many.)


When we learned about Rajon Rondo's season-ending injury during ABC's Heat-Celtics game on January 27, every Celtics fan had the same reaction: 

STEVE NASH WOULDA NEVAH LET US DOWN LIKE THIS!  FIE-AH UP THE TRADE MACHINE AND CRANK UP THE GAWDSMACK!  (/writes royalties check to Drew Magary)

So long, Puncher's Chance At Making The Eastern Finals.

You misspelled "so long, puncher's chance at getting out of the first round."

We zipped through the seven stages of grief in about 45 minutes, barely noticing that the Celtics were playing better without Rondo. 

No, you barely noticed or mourned because the Celtics weren't playing well at the time and you're a bunch of frontrunners.  Besides, PITCHAHS AND CATCHAHS!  

For once, they looked like a vintage Garnett-Pierce era Celtics team again. 

Except for the fact that they were missing the point guard who was the catalyst for all of those teams.

No more mailing in quarters, no more rolling over defensively, 

The Celtics, with Rajon "Patrick Ewing" Rondo in the lineup, were 7th in the league in defensive efficiency at the time he got hurt.  To be fair, since then they are 1st in defensive efficiency, although their schedule has featured a bunch of cupcakes as well as a Bulls team not known for offensive prowess.  I do have to hand it to them for their victories over the Nuggets and Clippers, those are legit offensive teams.  The Celtics are certainly playing better defense than they were, but it was already pretty good before the injury and it's certainly a little early to say Rondo's departure is the reason for the improvement.

no more 22-second possessions followed by ghastly 20-footers. 

OK, I watch enough nationally televised Celtics game to know that this happens from time to time.  Just like it does with all teams who have a ball-dominant PG.

They fended off LeBron and the LeBronettes in double overtime with help from a rollicking, old-school Boston crowd 

The next time he forgets to mention THE LEGENDARY BEANTOWN FAITHFUL while describing an important Celtics win at home will the first.  His self-obsession (extended to include people who like the same teams as him--I'm using the term loosely and somewhat incorrectly but you know what I mean) is just... so... draining.

that learned about the severity of Rondo's injury through tweets and texts. 

NO OTHAH FAN BASE WOULD HAVE HANDLED THE NEWS SO WELL!

And somewhere along the line, more than a few Celtics fans e-mailed me or tweeted me the same two words.
Ewing Theory???

All of these people should be thrown down a mine shaft.

Could it be? 

No, it couldn't be.  You goddamn fools.  They are 8-1 since his injury, but only two of those wins have come on the road (in Toronto and Charlotte, two places where there were probably more Celtics fans than home team fans in the arena).  Four of the wins have come against playoff teams, but by a combined 10 points.  Winning close games isn't exactly all luck and no skill, but even the best teams don't consistently win a huge percentage of the one possession games they end up in.  What has happened is not that the Celtics are better without one of the game's 20 best players--rather, they lost him right as they hit a soft spot in the schedule and also eked out a bunch of close wins at home over the good teams that they did play.  They have 9 of their next 11 on the road, including games in Denver, Utah, Portland, Indiana and Oklahoma City, all nasty places to play.  Just watch: they will go like 4-7 or 5-6 over that span, fall back into the 8th spot in the East, and Bill will be saying I ALWAYS TOLD YOU RONDO WAS THE HAHHHHHT AND SOUL OF THIS TEAM.  I CANNOT WATCH ANYMO-AH THIS SEASON, IT'S SIMPLY TOO HAHD WITH HIM OUT.  And then the Heat will eventually sweep them 4-0 in the first round, and I will laugh.  But sorry, back to what you were saying, captain confirmation bias.

We started picking apart Rondo's game in our heads, even if most of us absolutely loved the guy.  And believe me — I love the guy. Had I gotten another dog between 2010 and 2012, 

Please, God yes.  Tell us more about your fucking dogs and your family.  We're already a whole 100 words into this column--how have they not come up yet?

I absolutely would have named him "Rondo." That's my dude. Other than Larry Legend, he's the most original basketball player I have ever watched on a day-to-day basis. 

I'd accuse him of using "original" as a backhanded compliment with racial undertones, but he preempted me with the Bird thing.  Damn.

There will never be a Rondo 2.0. Unfortunately, there will always be Basic Cable Rondo and National TV Rondo.

Ooh, an UNDERAPPRECIATED (/writes royalties check to Klosterman) Simmons staple: the meaningless "tale of two players" nicknames that you're supposed to think are super insightful.

Basic Cable Rondo gets bored easily. He pads his assist totals just to see if he can. 

This is not a thing that happens with pro athletes.  This is the basketball equivalent of accusing a baseball player of hitting selfish home runs when the game is already out of reach.

He goes entire games without ever driving to the hoop or drawing a foul. He shoots 3s even though he should never, ever, EVER be shooting 3s. He pounds the ball 25 feet away from the basket for no good reason, 

OK, I'm legitimately sensing the racial undertones there.

frowns a little too often, 

If only he were more like Tony Romo, leading the league in smiles!

only makes teammates better on his terms. 

Awful.

He cheats passing lanes and gambles for steals too much. 

That's, like, 70% of all point guards in the NBA.

He pretends to lead without really leading. 

Never, in a trillion years, could you accurately make that assessment as a fan.  Never.  Never ever.  I hate Rondo and yet I feel bad for him after reading that.  Just a brutal driveby on his character with zero substantiation.  I hope Bill gets shingles.

He's on hyperfocused cruise control, basically. 

That means nothing, basically, and you should never end a sentence basically.  You are a shitty writer.

The worst thing about Basic Cable Rondo? You know when he shows up. Right away. Within three minutes of the opening tip.

BECAUSE YOU AHHHHH SMAHTAH THAN THE AVERAGE FAN!  YOU KNOW THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE THAT EVEN THEIR TEAMMATES COULD NEVAH POSSIBLY KNOW!  YOU ARE A GENIUS!  NOW TWEET A HORRIBLE JOKE!

But National TV Rondo? Sweet Jesus do I love that guy. 

He plays the game the right way!  He is a lunchpail guy!  He doesn't depend on his athleticism too much!  He plays smart!  Am I using enough coded language yet?

He's a walking triple-double. He's a beast. He's one of the best eight or nine players alive. You could give National TV Rondo four mediocre teammates and he could hang with any contender. Shit, that's practically what happened in the Eastern finals last spring — Garnett and Pierce were worn down from the shortened season, so was Ray Allen, and nobody else on the team was worth a damn except Brandon Bass. The Celtics came within one victory of beating LeBron in his prime. That's why you put up with Basic Cable Rondo — because National TV Rondo knocks your team's ceiling up a couple floors.

Let me tell you how much I hate Bill Simmons.  I hate him so much than when sports journalism's biggest fucking asshole (a difficult title to hold, to be sure) Mike Wilbon routinely and unfairly abuses Simmons on ESPN's NBA pregame show, I actually take Wilbon's side.  And I DESPISE Wilbon.  If you've never seen what I'm talking about, check it out this Friday.  Wilbon talks to Simmons like Simmons is a 2nd grader who just learned the rules of basketball and can only name a handful of NBA players.  It's really rude.  And I'm totally cool with it.  Party on, Mike Wilbon.  May you only be fired and sent the way of Jay Mariotti once you're done embarrassing Simmons on national TV.

Part 2 soon.

More level 12 stomach punch level bad analysis of LeBron

It wasn't just a matter of LeBron playing really well.  There are like four other storylines down there somewhere.  Just let Bill scrape around for a few thousand words, he'll find them.

In the postgame presser, he mentioned being happy it played out the way it did, that he needed to "hit rock-bottom" before he could become the player he needed to be. I don't believe this for two reasons. 

1) That doesn't fit with my worldview that there are compelling narratives driving everything that happens in sports

2) CASTAWAY!  THE BACHELOR!  WHO SAYS NO???

First, his jaw-dropping performance in the 2009 playoffs (35.3 PPG, 7.3 APG, 9.1 RPG, .510 FG) strongly hinted that this 2012 bloodbath (30.3 PPG, 9.3 RPG, 5.6 APG, the first player ever to average a 30-9-5 twice in the postseason) was coming. 

How about basically everything he's done on the court for the past 6 or so years suggested this postseason was coming?  He went for 24, 8 and 6 in the 2011 playoffs while shooting 46%.  Some of that scoring deficiency probably comes from the fact that Bosh was hurt for much of the 2012 playoffs. The guy is really, really good and has been for a while.  Stop trying to make it more complex than it is.

His evolution was always headed this way; we just got delayed (and nearly derailed) by 2010's meltdown in the Boston series, then "The Decision," then everything from last year. 

Nearly derailed: no, not at any point.  Sort of kind of delayed: I suppose so, at least in the case of the 2010 playoffs.  Shit you already knew presented as high level analysis: definitely.

Second, I can't imagine LeBron would ever repeat the last 23 months. There had to be better ways to get there. During last night's interviews, we kept hearing the same wistful refrain from LeBron, his teammates and even his coach. The last two years weren't fun. Wearing that big bull's-eye and the black cowboy hat wasn't fun. Being booed wasn't fun, being picked apart wasn't fun, being maligned wasn't fun. 

No fucking shit, Sherlock.  I don't know if he's publicly commented on the subject, but I'd bet a fair sum of money LeBron would like it better if The Decision had never happened.  Other than that, and losing the 2011 Finals, would he change anything from the past 23 months?  Doubtful.

They spent last season battling the collective vitriol, figuring out how to use it to their advantage … and ultimately failing. 

No.  They spent last season getting booed everywhere they went because LeBron is a horse's ass, winning the ECF, and losing in the Finals because Dallas played a little better.  They spent this season getting booed everywhere they went because LeBron is a horse's ass, winning the ECF, and then winning in the Finals because they played better than OKC.  Jesus fucking Christ.

As LeBron admitted last night, it just wasn't him. He wasn't meant to be someone who dunked on opponents and stared defiantly into the stands like a wrestling heel. 

He still did that this year.  I saw him do it, including during the playoffs.  Sorry to ruin your screenplay.  

He lost himself in the process, spent the summer remembering why he liked basketball, rededicated himself, found that same joy … and the rest was history. 

Go fuck yourself.

Even if that sounds like a sweet plot for a sports movie, I'm not buying that LeBron needed that specific sequence to achieve his manifest destiny. 

I'm totally not buying that this off-the-cuff quote LeBron gave without providing much context fully and precisely describes why the Heat won it all this year!  I'M TOO SMART FOR THAT!

Sports would have taken care of that for him. You keep losing the title, you keep going back to the drawing board, you keep trying to get better. Wilt wanted to get past the Celtics. Bird wanted to get past the Sixers. Magic wanted to get past the Celtics. Jordan wanted to get past the Pistons. That's basketball. 

Let's change that to "the best players tend to get better as they enter their mid to late 20s, and then start winning championships."

Eventually, LeBron would realize that losing sucked and spend the summer accordingly. Decision or no Decision. 

/buries head in hands

How is he simultaneously making this both unnecessarily complicated and overly simplistic?

So what actually changed? For one thing, Dwyane Wade injured his knee and became 70 Percent Of Dwyane Wade, inadvertently solving the "dueling banjos" dilemma. The Heat tried to thwart six decades of NBA history by teaming two alpha dogs together, making them equals and assuming their overwhelming talent would overcome any resulting bumpiness. 

After all, it had been a whole ten years since a team with two alpha dogs who were made equals won a title!

They were wrong. Basketball doesn't work that way, 

It has worked that way as recently as 2002.

for the same reason you don't need two transcendent lead guitarists for a rock band.

Because 1) basketball teams in the free agency era are exactly like rock bands, there's a lot of mobility and guys switching teams/bands all the time and such, and 2) there are all kinds of bands out there with two lead guitarists (sarcasm rescinded for metal bands like Slayer and Metallica, who really actually do have two awesome lead guitarists, making Bill double wrong).

Someone had to learn bass. It ended up being Wade, and only because fate intervened. We'll remember Game 6 of the Boston series for a variety of reasons, but mainly because LeBron looked around and said, I'm going down on my own terms. I'm playing all 48 minutes and scoring 50 points. If we lose, we lose. At least nobody will say that I rolled over. It ended up being the most important two hours of his career. He went out and assassinated the Celtics. 

As Slade pointed out in the comments to the last post, this is vintage "the world of sports revolves around THE HUB" stuff.  (More below as well.)  IT TOOK THE LEGENDARY STATUS OF SCALABRINE NATION TO BRING OUT THE BEST IN LEBRON.  HIS UNREAL PERFORMANCE AGAINST DETROIT IN GAME 5 OF THE 2007 CONFERENCE FINALS MEANS NOTHING AS IT WAS NOT ACCOMPLISHED IN THE GAHHHHHHHHDEN.

And that's only scratching the surface. Imagine you're Wade. Imagine you talk Bosh and LeBron into joining YOUR team and living in YOUR city. Imagine that first year going to hell. 

In the movie about the 2010-2011 Heat playing in Bill's mind, they went 38-44, lost by 40 in Cleveland as the crowd showered LeBron with rocks, and were nearly kicked out of the league after the season was over.  In reality, they were a great team that got booed a lot and missed winning a title (and being serenaded by a Simmons article similar to this one, telling everyone a nonexistant story about how they overcame adversity and grew and changed and invented team basketball) by a couple games.

Imagine coming to the begrudging realization that you're only going as far as LeBron takes you, that — even though it's your city, and you're the one who gets introduced last at every home game — you're going to have to wear the Robin costume. By Game 2 of the Finals, everyone is wondering whether you're the same guy you used to be; meanwhile, you've never had to take a backseat on a basketball court before, and that's what is screwing you up more than anything. By Game 5, you're listening to your fans serenade LeBron with "M-V-P!" chants as he holds two trophies like a hunter holding a couple of deer heads. You're standing on the side, just like Shaq six years ago. Maybe that's what he meant by "difficult." 

What he meant by "difficult" is that he's kind of a crybaby, and he's having trouble coping with the fact that LeBron is completely amazing at basketball while he is only kind of amazing, and he just turned 30.

Just know the situation was resolved organically, much like it was during the 2008 Olympics, when Spain was closing in and Kobe said I got this, followed by everyone else letting him have it. That's just how basketball works. You can't have two guys saying "I got this." 

Yes, you are actually right about that.  It's also sad how wrong you are about the idea that you can't have two superstars on the same team and win a title.

Miami figured that out a year late. And if Wade hadn't tweaked his knee, maybe they never would have. 

AND THEN EVERYTHING TURNED AROUND WHEN GORDON BOMBAY WAS FORCED TO COACH THEM AS PART OF HIS COMMUNITY SERVICE BUT ENDED UP TEACHING THEM HOW TO HAVE FUN BUT ALSO WIN AT THE SAME TIME!

The other twist of fate: Derrick Rose wrecked his knee in Round 1, propelling the Celtics into the Conference Finals … 

Wait, holy shit, did he just admit that?  I get that the use of "propelling" implies that it could have happened even with a healthy Rose, but I'm still shocked.

you know, LeBron's nemesis, 

That earlier stuff was just a teaser of the WITHOUT THE CELTICS LEBRON WOULD BE NOTHING horseshit.  Here's the real deal, presented without comment because I don't think anything I could add anything that would make this more hilarious.

the bullies who beat him in 2008 and 2010, the grizzled veterans who were convinced that LeBron would always cave when it mattered most. Garnett and Pierce loved pushing his buttons more than anyone. During their final regular-season road trip to Miami, which turned out to be a surprisingly easy win for the Celtics, they spent the last two minutes busting Wade's balls about LeBron. You picked the wrong guy. You'll never win with that guy. LeBron could hear everything. They didn't care. In Game 5 of their playoff series, Garnett and Pierce pushed things a little further, believing that LeBron was ready to cave again. Down the stretch, Garnett muttered derisive obscenities under his breath anytime LeBron was in earshot, then stuffed him at the rim on a pivotal drive. A little bit later, Pierce nailed a back-breaking 3 right in LeBron's mug, then yelled, "I have the balls to take that!" as he trotted back down the floor.
In retrospect, they pushed him too far. The Celtics regarded LeBron with a surprising amount of disdain — that's why Rondo angrily yelped, "Let's go!" before defending LeBron's final drive of regulation in Game 2. LeBron ended up settling for a 21-footer against someone seven inches shorter than him, followed by Rondo strutting back to the huddle and probably telling his teammates, "I knew he didn't have the balls to come at me." They spent that whole series challenging his manhood; by the end of Game 5, they thought they had broken him. Was that what turned him into a serial killer in Game 6? Not entirely … but it definitely helped. I just don't think LeBron makes LeLeap without the bullies from Boston.

Yeah. Fuck.

A hilarious love letter to the 10th best team in the NBA

Bill Simmons to the Celtics: DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS!

You know what happens when you're rooting for a creaky but lovable basketball contender?

DUH- you write articles full of ridiculous nonsense about them because you're convinced that they're special and different and definitely not destined to get swept out of the second round of the playoffs by the Bulls or Heat (should they get past the first round).

You relish the big victories. All of them. Every single one.

You're not like OTHER fans. You're a fan's fan. You appreciate winningness.

You know the season could collapse at any time, and you're perfectly aware that a torn meniscus, calf tear or herniated disk might sucker punch your season when you least expect it. It's a little liberating, actually. Your expectations are low because you shouldn't expect anything at all.

And yet you keep in mind that it's important to tweet like a petulant child when your team gets bounced out of the playoffs.

And with that said … I actually expected the Celtics to prevail in Miami last night. I really did. Had you told me as recently as six weeks ago, "The Celtics are going to win in Miami in mid-April, and by the way, you will expect it to happen," I would have assumed that LeBron and Wade had crashed on Bobby Petrino's motorcycle or something.

Topical! DO TIM TEBOW AND LINDSEY VONN NEXT

Miami IN Miami? No way.

They've got nearly as formidable a home court advantage as the Grizzlies!

How did we get here? It wasn't that long ago that the great Bob Ryan described Boston's situation as "Year Five of a Three-Year Plan."

For a Bob Ryan line, that's pretty great.

A five-game losing streak had dropped the C's to a measly 15-17, as a-hole writers like myself were grabbing shovels and burying the team.

Boston writers/fans pointing in the direction the wind is blowing w/r/t one of their teams? Now I've heard it all. Fortunately Simmons learned how to be more levelheaded from that experience though, and now sees the Celtics for what they are--an aging team with no depth and no shot at the Finals. *record scratch* Wait, what?

With trade rumors swirling around All-Star Rajon Rondo — planted by other teams hoping to cause chemistry problems and drive down his price, by the way —

Love the snide insecurity there. THEY WERE NEVER GOING TO TRADE HIM! NUH-UH! THAT WAS JUST JERRY BUSS BEING A POOPHEAD!

the Celtics won three straight, then throttled the Knicks on a Sunday ABC home game

As I type this, the Knicks are putting the finishing touches on an eight point win over the Celtics that wasn't nearly that close.

that we'll always remember

I forget the blog I was reading that pointed out how oddly obsessed Simmons is with speculating about how we will one day look back on insignificant things that are currently happening, but man, they were spot on.

as Rondo's "Look, You're Not Effing Trading Me, You'd Be Insane" game (18 points, 20 assists, 17 rebounds). The next two weeks were fairly fascinating:

MESMERIZING. The world's eyes were squarely trained on Big Papi Nation. Moreso than usual, Earth's 7 billion inhabitants spent their days and nights wondering what was going on in THE HUB.

The Celtics hoping to rebuild around Rondo and cap space, while steadfastly refusing to give away their valuable veterans.

I can't believe the media had time to focus on anything else! Republican primaries? Recovering economy? Civil war in Syria? WHO CARES, THE CELTICS ARE THINKING ABOUT MAKING A COUPLE TRADES

Before the Clippers game at Staples, less than three days before the deadline, I spent 25 minutes talking to Ainge and fellow BYU grad Michael Smith, now a broadcaster for the Clippers. It was becoming more and more clear that Ainge should keep the team intact; the day before, they played extremely well in a last-minute Lakers loss, and it's not like anyone in the East was pulling away from them. Making the decision easier: Nobody was offering anything decent for Pierce (owed $32 million total in 2013 and 2014) or Garnett (whose $21 million cap figure made it near impossible just to match salaries in a trade). Allen's expiring contract and crunch-time pedigree made him more appealing, but no contender had the right assets to pursue him. At one point, Smith brought up a young player who could, conceivably, have been the centerpiece of an Allen trade. Danny just started laughing."We're not trading Ray Allen for [the player's last name]," Danny said. "Come on! It's Ray Allen!"

This man is in charge of one of the most valuable and respected franchises in the league. To his credit, the Garnett/Allen trades worked out swimmingly. To his detriment, he's still obviously a huge fucking toolshed.

[400 words of Simmons wearing Ainge as as hat omitted]

Anyway, I left our conversation thinking that Danny honestly didn't know how the deadline would play out. Chatting with Wyc Grousbeck a few minutes later, the Celtics' owner seemed similarly confused. Why break these guys up without a really good reason? What's the point?

My thoughts right now exactly--why include any of this in this article? The point?

After the Celtics played a superb game against the Clippers, I came to my own conclusion: "The Celtics are what they are: old, proud, stubborn and (mostly) fun to watch simply because they know each other so well … Leave them alone and the 2012 Boston Celtics will go down swinging. That's all we know, and frankly, that's good enough for me." I flew to Oakland for the Warriors game two nights later, if only because the trade deadline was the following day, and, I mean … not to sound corny, but you never know with this stuff. If this happened to be the last night for the Pierce/Rondo/Garnett/Allen foursome, I wanted to be there.

Bill Simmons, everyman. Regular old John Q. Public. Just a fan like the rest of us. ALSO, DAMMIT DONALD STERLING, YOU RAISED PRICES ON MY SEASON TICKETS BY 6% LAST YEAR! THAT'S FOUR MEALS AT SPAGO, DOWN THE DRAIN!

They prevailed by two behind another throwback KG game (24 points, 11-of-15 shooting), which made little sense because Garnett looked salad-fork-in-the-back-finished as recently as January. I remember when Bird's body broke down (a four-year spiral that started during the '88 Detroit series and crested in the 1992 playoffs, when he could barely move), when McHale's ankles slowly betrayed him (1991), when Parish just couldn't fight off younger leapers anymore (1993). You usually know with these things. You just do.

Unless you're proven wrong, which you usually are. In which case, you'll later point out that really, you knew the opposite of what you knew all along.

And I would have wagered anything that Garnett was more finished than Desperate Housewives.

What?

Guys were jumping over him (shades of Parish), his jumper was flat, and worst of all, he looked absolutely miserable. Like he didn't want to play basketball anymore.

Just like Greg Oden looked that time Bill saw him for four seconds at the ESPYs and used those four seconds to flawlessly predict the future!

Even during his signature staredown/pointing routine before tip-offs at home games, you never felt like his heart was totally in it.

WEEI listeners are writing that one down so they can call in and use it on various Red Sox players throughout the summer.

When his game inexplicably rebounded in February (17.6 PPG, 9.3 RPG, 54% shooting), everyone attributed it to Rivers moving him to center. News flash: Garnett had been playing center since the Perkins trade. Everyone was just pretending otherwise for KG's sake. He's weird about this stuff. It's the same reason Garnett likes to be listed at 6-foot-11 when he's really 7-foot-1, or Tim Duncan always wants to be listed as a forward even though he's been playing center for the past seven years. You don't ask questions with big men; you just do whatever it takes to keep them happy.

Guards, though, guards you can fuck with. Well known fact from the universe of facts Bill Simmons has made up.

You know what really fueled Garnett's resurgence? He's a competitive MF'er. That's really it.

HE'S SOUTHIE TOUGH! What has fueled Andrew Bynum's strong play during the past couple of weeks? Simmons: "STEROIDS, PROBABLY."

The lockout ended, he couldn't get going those first few weeks … and then, suddenly, the "KG is done" talk started, and even worse, opponents started treating him differently. They stared him down after dunks, talked shit to him, accorded him little to no respect.

Strange, considering all the sportsmanship he's demonstrated over the years.

He probably remembered doing the same to Patrick Ewing, Derrick Coleman, Chris Webber or whomever

or pretty much everyone

over the years and thought to himself, I'm not ready to be That Guy yet. The flame started flickering again. As he told WEEI's Paul Flannery two weeks ago, "I hear you all calling me old. I hear you calling me, um, older. Weathered. I'm motivated. It don't really take much to motivate me, man. I'm older in basketball years, but in life I'm thirtysomething."

Jamie Moyer will have what he's having.

The trade deadline passed with Rondo reinvested and Garnett reenergized. You know who else stuck around? The second-leading scorer in Celtics history, Paul Pierce, who stunk in February (16.4 PPG, 39.5% FG) and inadvertently murdered his own trade value.

Every season Simmons accuses four or five players of intentionally playing like shit before the deadline to sabotage their own trade value. Couldn't have been the case with Captain Knifehole though. As Simmons already pointed out, he had no trade value in the first place given his atrocious contract situation.

Remember when New Jersey's bid for Dwight Howard fell through, then they panicked and swapped a top-three protected 2012 pick to Portland for Gerald Wallace, and everyone said, "Wait a second, why would someone give up a top-three protected pick for the third-best player on a sub-.500 team?" Not reported at the time: New Jersey could have landed Pierce for that same pick, only they chose Wallace because he was a full five years younger.

Danny Ainge would never have done that! Instead he'd have paid Shaq to unretire so Shaq could re-retire as a Celtic!

Little did they know no. 34 was slowly morphing into Paul Pierce again: In 23 games since March 2, he's averaging a 22-6-3 with 46/38/85 shooting splits and looking no different than the Pierce from 2008-11. If you're scoring at home, suddenly Pierce, Rondo AND Garnett were playing their best basketball again. But this still-creaky Celtics team wouldn't have morphed into a contender without three other developments.

1. Simmons wearing his lucky Welker jersey during every game

2. The Ewing theory, somehow

3. WE NEED A TOTALLY SWEET TOURNAMENT AMONG THE NON-PLAYOFF TEAMS TO SEE WHO GETS THE #1 PICK! HOW WOULD THIS NOT BE BIGGER THAN THE SUPER BOWL?????

1. The league's six best perimeter defenders right now, in some order, are LeBron, Tony Allen, Andre Iguodala, Shawn Marion, Iman Shumpert and … (drumroll please) … Avery Bradley. You might remember me writing on February 10 that "I watched Trick or Treat Tony for the first five years of his career. I watched [Bruce] Bowen for the first three years of his career. Bradley is just as good of a one-on-one defender as they were at the same point in their careers. All Bradley needs to do is learn how to shoot corner 3s and he'll have a 15-year NBA career and play a significant role for at least one contender. I swear, I'm not going Heinsohn on you."

"Also, fuck the fucking Celtics! I never liked them anyways! Pitchers and catchers report next week!"

So the defense wasn't a shock.But when those jumpers started going in? That was a shock. Doc started playing him. Everything snowballed. Avery started driving to the basket and making plays. Celtics diehards started glancing at each other and saying, "Wait a second, is Avery Bradley good or am I crazy?"

Then they collectively willed the Celtics to home victory after home victory by being the most smartest and knowledgeable fans in the whole BOOOOO KOBE BOOOOO YOU FACKIN' [horribleness]

Near the end of March, Allen missed a few games and inadvertently transformed Bradley's career; with the kid playing 40 minutes a game, suddenly the Celtics were causing turnovers, getting easy fast-break points, locking dudes down and basically wreaking havoc. They haven't played defense like that in three years. And it's contagious. People were taking charges, switching at the perfect time, flying from the weak side to block shots … everything just snowballed.

Teams played during this stretch: Washington, Charlotte, slowly fading Utah, already completely faded Minnesota.

And it happened because of Garnett and Avery Bradley. He's for real. Do I trust the kid defending Rose or Wade in a playoff series? Yes. Yes I do. So there.

/gets bowl of popcorn, waits for Rose or Wade to drop 40 on the Celtics

2. Bradley's coming-out party can be explained — it came down to confidence and minutes. But Stiemsanity? I have no answers.

HE'S GOT THE SPIRIT OF SCALABRINE!

Greg Stiemsma never averaged more than 12 minutes per game in any of his four Big Ten seasons. (Seriously. Look it up.) He bounced around for four solid years after college. He looked decent in the preseason, earned the Tommy Heinsohn Seal of Approval (getting compared to Bill Russell), quickly lost his mojo and seemed headed for a low spot in the All-Time White Celtics Rankings right between Andrew DeClercq and Brett Szabo. Then, Jermaine O'Neal went down, and so did Chris Wilcox … and just like that, the Stiemer was playing 19 minutes a game, blocking shots (he's averaging two a game since the All-Star break), running the floor, making open 15-footers, taking charges, banging bodies and doing everything you'd ever want from a backup center, with the added bonus that Boston fans loved him more than horny middle-aged housewives love Fifty Shades of Grey.

Not really something to hang your hat on.

Does any of this make sense? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It makes no sense whatsoever!

Except for the fact that every year there are guys who come out of nowhere and become decent contributors in the right role on the right team! I think some guy who plays for the Knicks kind of also did it this year. J.J. Barea did it a few years back. If you need to compare Stiemsma to another ugly white guy, Chris Andersen.

Again, he's playing 19 minutes a game in the NBA when he never played more than 12 minutes a game in college. Did I mention that he's doing this with a badly sprained foot? And that he can't practice? And that he was wearing a walking boot for a couple of weeks? Let's just move on before we jinx Stiemsanity.

But even if something went wrong and you DID jinx him, which of course can happen, you could always do a double reverse jinx in a podcast with Seth Meyers, and then a triple security jinx via Twitter just to lock it down.

3. I already made Doc Rivers's case as "Coach of the Year" in last week's column, a moment that gave the Mayans extra conviction that 2012 is going to be their year. But you know what's been even more incredible than Bradley morphing into a young Joe Dumars,

HAHAHAHAHA

Rondo shrugging over trade rumors and somehow raising his game,

A world class athlete felt his greatness questioned, so he elevated his level of play in response? TRULY FLABBERGASTING.

Pierce and Garnett playing like they just flew to Germany with Kobe,

THERE'S your steroids dig. Right team, wrong target.

or Stiemsanity sweeping the nation?

Just like ubuntu swept the nation in 2008! Who could forget?

What about Doc finally (and belatedly, but whatever) figuring out the value of a locked-in playing rotation? Even when they won the 2008 title, Doc was routinely playing 11 guys in one half — he just couldn't grasp the concept of "stick to eight or nine guys, make sure everyone knows their minutes, don't deviate from this" (or as Vinny Del Negro calls it, "The Opposite of What I Do"). Now, you might say Doc didn't have a choice this year — after a few putrid Danny signings,

Ainge on Jeff Green: "Come on! What could go wrong? He's Jeff Green. No, I'm not worried that he failed his physical. I'm a winner."

the Celtics have seven reliable players (Rondo, Pierce, Garnett, Allen, Bradley, Stiemsma and Brandon Bass), with three key bench guys (Jeff Green, Chris Wilcox and Jermaine O'Neal's Corpse) missing and Mickael Pietrus still recuperating from a scary concussion last month. You can't play fewer than eight guys, so Sasha Pavlovic has gotten Pietrus's "Backup Perimeter Guy" minutes by default. But here's the thing about the NBA … you only need eight guys every night.

Everyone take notes, Red Auerbach is giving a free clinic. Christ, I wouldn't trust Simmons to run a hot dog stand.

Just look at how Doc handled Tuesday night's Miami game. Pierce and Rondo played 40 minutes each; Bass played 39; the old guys (Allen and KG) played 35 and 33, respectively; Bradley played 25; Stiemsanity played 20; and Pavlovic played eight. Nobody else played. Doc never had fewer than two of the Pierce/Rondo/Allen/Garnett quartet out there at all times. With Rondo and Pierce sitting in the fourth quarter, Miami made a charge as I was muttering, "Uh-oh … Doc's going to wait two minutes too long … we're about to give this game away … " when BOOM! Doc felt the game slipping and brought back the starters at the 9:30 mark.

Really a questionable onomatopoeia choice for the act of changing your basketball team's lineup.

Allen made a backbreaking three, then Garnett headed down to Bosh's Pit and started swishing old-school KG jumpers — not one, not two, not three (copyright: LeBron), but four in a row! — and before you knew it, the Celtics were ahead by double digits again.

All Doc had to do was tell them to score on every possession! 2012 NBA Title: theirs to lose.

They never really looked back. How are they playing defense this well? Why aren't their jumpers flat anymore? Why is Rondo clicking so well with the vets again? Can they really be peaking during the most brutal part of their schedule (11 games in 15 nights)?

I'm not really sure about those answers...

Are they evolving into this year's version of the '99 Knicks, the late bloomer who meshed at the perfect time and sneaked into the Finals?

But I am about this one: NO, YOU FUCKING IDIOT! The whole reason the 1999 Knicks made the Finals was that the Eastern Conference was a joke that year! The Heat and the Bulls are abundantly better than the Celtics, regardless of how the Celtics have played the Heat this month. The only way a Heat/Celtics playoff series gets to game 6 is if Wade and LeBron forget to show up for games 4 and 5.

I'm prepared for anything.

He's not at all prepared for disappointment, but you could already tell that.

The players looked like they were drifting apart in January and February; in Miami, they were hugging and slapping palms like a team that (a) totally believed in themselves, and (b) absolutely, unequivocally believed that they were winning that game.

UBUNTU!!!!!

Now, if you're a Miami fan, you come away from that game thinking, That's a fluke loss, there's no way they can shoot 61 percent against us four times in a playoff series. And you'd be right.

There's no way the Celtics can shoot 50 percent against the Heat four times in a playoff series, so yeah, you'd be really right.

But that wasn't the lesson from that game.

Go on...

The Celtics know who they are. It's Year 5. They trust each other. They trust their coach. They trust the three newer guys, and when Pietrus comes back, they'll trust him again, too. They know where to go and what to do. They can score and get stops. They will fight. They will keep coming.

The lesson was apparently "Derpa derp derp Celtics cliche cliche derp." Got it.

What does Miami know about itself? Let's start backward. LeBron and Wade are having superb individual seasons. In the open floor, they rank among the most breathtaking combinations ever (if not no. 1 all-time), but in the half court? It's still "Dueling Banjos," something that hasn't changed since day one.

Miami: 4th in the league in offensive efficiency. Boston: 25th. Either Miami never plays in the halfcourt, or maybe, just maybe, Simmons is talking out of his asshole.

Meanwhile, poor Chris Bosh got eviscerated by Garnett last night, yet another ignominious moment for someone who had already squandered any and all "Big Three" privileges. He's just not that good.

Pierce's 19/5.5/4.5 on 43% shooting: WHAT A WARRIOR! Bosh's 18/8/2 on 49% shooting? TRASH.

Their veterans (Mike Miller, Udonis Haslem and Shane Battier) all peaked three to four years ago, especially the 33-year-old Battier (December's most overrated signing), who can't even crack 35 percent from 3 (all of them wide open, by the way).

HOLY SHIT. Three of Boston's four best players peaked five to six years ago. Wow. That is astonishing cognitive dissonance. I don't care how old Garnett is in real life human years, or whatever terminology he used in that radio interview: he's fucking old. You don't want to bet on him in May and June.

Their 2011 point guard situation is just as messy as 2011's situation; sometimes Mario Chalmers shows up, sometimes he doesn't, and their two rookie backups (Norris Cole and Terrel Harris) can't be trusted. And just last week, Erik Spoelstra benched Joel Anthony for Ronny Turiaf. Yeeesh. So if you're scoring at home, we're less than three weeks from the playoffs and Spoelstra has no idea …A. Which six guys he can trust after LeBron, Wade and (by default) Bosh. B. Which five guys should be finishing every game. Seems like two pretty big questions, no?

I suppose the Heat will just have to keep doing whatever it is that has landed them eight games in front of Boston in the standings, then.

The latest media narrative has been, "Maybe Miami should just play LeBron at point guard," something the numbers back up (especially Tuesday night's stats). Really, the narrative should be, "How the heck does this team not have an identity yet?"

A laughable life preserver of a concept for a desperate fan of a good-not-great team to cling to.

Last night, they played their butts off and STILL lost.

Never happened before in NBA history.

I remember thinking that Boston couldn't beat Miami if LeBron had one of those Mega-LeBron games — you know, 36 points, seven rebounds, seven assists, a couple of fast break dunks/blocks, a couple of 3s, some post-up moves, just one of those games when he's involved — and that's exactly what happened last night. Guess what? They still lost. We'll remember it

Good God, stop. No one is going to look back in any fashion on a non-Christmas NBA regular season game between two teams that were going to make the playoffs no matter what.

as one of the single most meaningful victories of the Three-Year Plan That Lasted Five Years:

Wait for it.

the night Boston officially threw its hat into the 2012 title race.

Sorry if Bill just made you LOL at work.

It doesn't totally make sense,

No, it makes no sense, because they didn't, and they won't, and I'll post an apology if they make the conference finals. Hell, I'll post that apology if they take the conference semifinals past game 5. I'll shut the blog down if they make the Finals. I won't even bother coming up with an imaginary thing to do if they win it all. GMAFB.

but then again, none of this makes sense. Rondo could be playing for the Hornets. Pierce could be stuck on the Nets. Doc could be announcing games with Mike Breen and Jeff Van Gundy. Bradley could still be buried on the bench. Danny could have panicked right before the deadline and had a fire sale for Garnett and Allen. It's a swollen list of "what ifs," and just about every one of them went Boston's way. At least for now. You never know with those creaky but lovable basketball contenders. We've reached this specific point six other times in Celtics history.

OOOH, SUMMARIZE CELTICS HISTORY FOR ME SOME MORE!

Russell's last two squads ('68 and '69) won consecutive titles while running on fumes. The same thing happened with the last good Havlicek-Cowens team ('76). The last two Bird-McHale-Parish efforts ('91 and '92, two severely underrated teams) fell short because the Legend just couldn't stay healthy. More recently, the 2010 squad came within Perkins's knee injury and Artest's improbable no-no-yes 3 from stealing a championship. Now, the fellas from 2012 are making a run. Nobody saw this coming. And really, that's the single best thing about it.

The best thing about it you thinking they're making a run in the first place. Bill Simmons: making the Lakers and their fans seem like a tolerable bunch of people since 2007.

Gonna try to go after this Simmons NBA playoffs/The Wire article

Let's see how far I get. Hooooooo boy.

/inhales

/exhales

/stares at screen

/gets up, puts off doing this by going to Taco Bell

/sits back down

Holy balls do I hate this man's writing.

I need to get the 2011 NBA playoffs a gift.

No you don't. You need to write more than one article every four months and stop being besties with Malcolm Gladwell and Chuck Klosterman, the only two pop writers I can think of who are more worthless than you are.

It can't wear jewelry, it can't drive a car, it doesn't need clothes or trophies.

Who gives a trophy as as gift?

Hmmmm. What about honoring it with the greatest television drama of all time?

HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT SHOW I LIKE? THE WIRE. THAT MAKES ME SMARTER THAN MOST PEOPLE. IF YOU LIKE THE WIRE IT'S YOUR JOB TO TELL EVERYONE HOW MUCH YOU LIKE IT SO THEY KNOW YOU'RE SMART.

(Disclaimer: I love The Wire. I've watched the whole series all the way through four times. Guess what I don't need to do? Tell people about it all the fucking time. Second disclaimer: Big Daddy Drew did a much more thorough takedown of loudmouthed self-important Wire fans on Deadspin a week ago or so. Go read it, it's inspiring.)

Now here's where you say, "'The Wire?' That show had bad language! A lot of it!

Who gives a shit about profanity? Parents. And so it seems that Bill has decided his audience is definitely parents (or perhaps ABC/Disney has ordered it to be the case). This confirms my suspicions.

Actually, that show reinvented how to say certain swear words! You can't do this! You're going to get fired!"

Hopefully!

Nope. We have to do it.

SO EVERYONE CAN BASK IN MY KNOWLEDGE OF THE GREATEST TV SHOW OF ALL TIME THAT ONLY SMART PEOPLE WATCHED.

One of the show's best traits was its language -- it stayed true to the city and itself, never worrying about things like, "We might be turning off potential viewers" and "It's going to be much harder to syndicate the show unless we cool it a little."

Sort of like every single other original series HBO has ever or will ever run.

Four years later, as I sifted through quote pages and YouTube clips to assemble the quotes below, it was like looking through an old scrapbook from a vacation I loved. So yeah, some of the language you're about to read is a little harsh. But so was the show. For the purposes of this column, we're going to use some carefully placed asterisks to soften the words as much as we can. If you can't handle it, stop reading right now.

Jesus shitballs, is this being published by ESPN or Family Circle? Enough with the disclaimers. Just get to the fucking article already.

Without further ado, 65 of my favorite Wire quotes handed out as awards for the first two-plus weeks of the 2011 NBA playoffs.

Not at all a contrived, awkward, or idiotic premise for an article.

1. "The game done changed."
2. "Game's the same, just got more fierce."

To what else ... Round 1! Talent comes in waves, for whatever reason, and we're riding one along the lines of the one Swayze suicidally tried to surf at the end of "Point Break." You're usually stuck with three or four turds in Round 1, or as they're more commonly known, "The NBA TV Teams." Not this time around.

Or as they're more commonly known, "the Eastern Conference quarterfinals." Don't expect Bill to ever mention the sizable talent disparity between the two conferences that existed virtually every single year for the past decade, probably because his favorite team (as long as they're winning and not about to draft Yi Jianlian) plays in the east. But the one time a year he writes about baseball, get ready for it: WOW WHY DON'T THEY JUST RELEGATE THE WHOLE NATIONAL LEAGUE TO DOUBLE-A?!?! TO MY FRIENDS AND I IN OUR AL KEEPER LEAGUE, THE NL IS ABOUT AS INTERESTING AS PROFESSIONAL CHESS. BLAH BLAH BLAH MEANINGLESS OVERSTATED LEAGUE-BASED ELITISM BLAH BLAH BLAH

Obviously I cannot get over that. Wait, what were we just talking about?

Our only sweep (Celtics-Knicks) featured two riveting games in Boston, including Melo's sublime 42-17 in Game 2 that reminded everyone, "That's why you trade five dudes for Carmelo Anthony."

And the series which reminded everyone, "Oh shit, that's what happens when your team has two superstars complemented by a bunch of complete scrubs (and Chauncey Billups in a full body cast), and then you run into a good defensive team." Obviously the jury is still out on that trade but it's looking like the Knicks probably shat the bed. Anthony Carter played a ton of meaningful minutes in that series. That's all you need to know about whether or not it was a great trade for New York and where their depth stands as of now. But Bill said when the trade happened that it was a brilliant gambit and he's sticking to his story. Good for him. I eagerly await watching him sweep it under the rug when the Knicks go 42-40 and get blown out in the first round again next year.

Pacers-Bulls and Sixers-Heat ended prematurely but earned Duke The Trainer Memorial, "They don't think it's a damned show, they think it's a damned fight!" status.

The Sixers really didn't play that well. That series was definitely a snoozer.

Zombies-Nuggets had a Hagler-Hearns pace -- both teams came out swinging and never stopped. Lakers-Hornets and Blazers-Mavs featured a few dramatic twists on par with D'Angelo getting murdered

No. No no no. This is instance 1 out of probably 100 in this article with the following problem- what happened during an NBA playoff game has nothing to do with a character in a TV drama getting murdered in jail on the orders of his friend. Nothing. You can't equate the two unless the real life playoff event involves a Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan incident in the locker room tunnel or something. And that's why this article is a big pile of hot garbage.

before fizzling out in Game 6. Hawks-Magic gave us our mandatory Round 1 upset, laid the groundwork for Dwight Howard fleeing Orlando and broke the NBA TV curse.

Orlando and Atlanta aren't "NBA TV teams" because they're not good. They're NBA TV teams because they don't have legions of diptard bandwagon fans all over the country falling over themselves to point out that they've been a Celtics/Lakers fan for at least 3 years now.

And Spurs-Grizzlies ranks among the best Round 1s ever.

No.

Last Wednesday, my friend Whitlock texted me

BWAH HAHA YOU TEXT WITH WHITLOCK

BWAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Oh man, that's great stuff. How fitting. Of course you are. The two shitty blowhard self-important sportswriters most eager to point out to their readers that they enjoy The Wire are buddies. Duh. OF COURSE.

just to say, "these NBA playoffs have been one of the best experiences of my sporting life." We hadn't even had a Game 6 yet!!!

That proves one of two things: either that first round really was the greatest thing since sex, or Whitlock is a hyperbole-spewing idiot. Hmmmmmm. It's 50/50, really. I'm a big NBA fan and not much of an NHL fan and yet even I can admit that the latter are upstaging the former right now. However, as Chris Wong so often notes, the NBA playoffs have the advantage of being spread out over a longer period of time. So it's pretty likely they'll end up being more fun and more exciting when the dust settles and the two champions are crowned. For now it's a heated competition though.

Well, there's your answer as to how far I'd get: through 2 quotes (of a possible 65). Damn. Almost made it. This is like that time Frank Sobokta met with the Greek and his henchmen down by the docks just as the Greek's mole uncovered that Frank had started snitching! Oh wait, no, it's not like that at all.