MSNBC.com's 2nd Worst Writer is Back!

It's been awhile, Mr. Ventre! I see you chose not to write about the Dodgers or the Angels this time! You're basically the West-coast version of HatGuy, aren't you?

(Side note, realizing that he didn't write about either L.A. team, Ventre snapped today after getting no sleep and wrote a bogus column about an all-L.A. World Series this year. Because it's smart to go around talking about a sub-.500 team making it that far, right?)

Anyway, no one is sick of this Shawn Chacon garbage yet, are they?

Attacking your GM isn't good career move

I'm really getting giddy here. Is this going to be a column all about why you shouldn't do that? Like, someone needs to TELL the public why this is stupid? What's your purpose in life, Ventre? Was crap like this your true calling?

Generally speaking, if one has an eye toward career advancement, it’s not a good idea to grab your boss by the neck and wrestle him to the ground.

And the "I Have No Idea If You're Joking or Not" saga continues. Either way, this is miserable.

I did it a few times and it was always a disaster. Apparently my superiors didn’t appreciate the frivolity.

Right, I bet you did. And let me guess, it was such a disaster that you became one of the most underqualified men for a job in your field in history. Really, it just halted your career.

Now, unfortunately for Shawn Chacon, he has that resume buster to live with. On Wednesday, the Houston Astros’ pitcher was released after he collared his general manager, Ed Wade, and tossed him to the canvas.

This type of activity would be a welcome addition to the skill set of say, a professional wrestler or a mixed martial arts king. In that realm, brutality born out of anger gets one a gold star. Ditto for linebackers and surfers fending off paparazzi in Malibu.

The question remains: why are you telling me this?

And a major league player can even get away with it, as long as its done in the context of a bench-clearing brawl, or in answering a particularly nettlesome question from a sportswriter.

Last I checked, you can still get suspended and fined.......

But in this case, Chacon miscalculated badly.

I am close to beating my head against the wall. Let me check the headlines of Ventre's past articles real quick to make sure this column is just an anomaly.

"Steroids Closely Linked to Negative Reputation in Baseball."

"Pitchers Who Effectively Get Outs are Most Sought After in Trade."

"Settling a Debate: Baseball IS a Sport."

"Attacking Your GM Isn't Good Career Move."

Could you honestly pick one of these that doesn't belong?

(DISCLAIMER: Headlines might be real or fictional. Exactly one is real. The second one is fictional. Fictional headlines solely created for the purpose of exposing Michael Ventre as King Dumbass of the Universe.)

He may have believed that decking his boss would be interpreted as no biggie in the boys-will-be-boys atmosphere of The Show.

Do you really believe this? Is any human being this clueless?

I'll clarify something for you Ventre. There is no fucking way in a million years that Shawn Chacon thought that he could take Ed Wade by the throat and choke-slam him without consequences. I can't believe I had to type that. Was it irrational due to the anger of the situation? Absolutely. But there is no fucking way he thought that it would be shrugged off as "boys-will-be-boys".

Yet he failed to realize the lousy-pitchers-will-be-lousy-pitchers aspect of the scenario.

ZING!

This entire affair sprung out of Chacon’s inability to get batters out. He had been demoted to the bullpen over the weekend, mostly because he is 2-3 with a 5.04 ERA in 15 starts for Houston. He set a record with nine no-decisions to start the season.

I’m not a human resources expert, but I know that when an employee consistently submits poor performances, he usually gets written up. The top brass likes to develop a paper trail before it cans a loser.

At least you're self aware. Whoever your boss is has quite the paper trail to work with.

Oh.....you were talking about Chacon. Yeah....he sucks too.

This is a time when Chacon should have spotted the red flags and tried to be nicer to his boss. Maybe the right-hander could have invited Wade out for a martini and regaled him with tales of his exotic golf excursions, or gushed over photographs of Wade’s family, or offered to wash Wade’s car.

Yeah. Can you imagine?

Ed Wade: FUCK YOU CHACON! YOU'RE PITCHING LIKE A COMPLETE SHITHEAD! THE HOUSTON ASTROS WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS KIND OF-

Shawn Chacon: I'm going to stop you right there, sir. How would you like to join me for a martini and listen to tales of my exotic golf excursions? My you have beautiful children, and a fantastic car! Would you do me the honor of letting me wash it?

(I really, really don't want to continue doing this. There comes a point when saying "dude, what the fuck?" really doesn't cut it entertainment-wise anymore.)

But snagging him by the neck and whipping him to the turf – while certainly qualifying as out-of-the-box thinking – seems to be counterproductive.

Uh...huh.

(I can't even make an effort anymore. I'd have to repeat my own disparagings to disparage what he has already repeated.)

Chacon may have adversely affected any future job opportunities by clobbering his boss.

Emphasis on "may have".

(Good God this is terrible. This "story" has received a 3.5/5 from the rating of 29 people. There are officially too many stupid people in this world.)

It’s all so curious that Chacon would have acted like he did. For instance, the incident was precipitated by a confrontation in which Wade asked Chacon to come into his office for a chat.

Theory: It's all so curious that (Event X happened).

Supporting Point 1: For instance, (Fact that does not have much bearing on the likelihood of Event X happening).

(This guy would have struggled to be an above-average writer in my 8th grade English class. Speaking of which, I wonder what Johnny Hamlin is up to these days. I should give him a call. Or try to obtain a copy of something he wrote in 8th grade and make fun of it here. You know, it's just as fair.)

Call me a cynic, but I would have to believe the fact that Chacon is making $2 million this season figured into his decision to say things to Wade like, “You need to …” and “You better …”

Are you saying that Chacon considers $2 million a lot, or not enough? You need to use words like "only" and "just" to......God never mind.....

(You're a fucking cynic. Take that, Ventre.)

I’ve always thought ballplayers are just like the rest of us, willing to roll up their sleeves for a hard-earned buck and respectful of the company’s hierarchy.

Really. You thought ballplayers are just trying to grind out their hard-earned buck. Just like the rest of us. Just regular people. That's how most ballplayers view themselves. Just trying to pay the rent and get fed.

(Shawn Chacon has made $12,160,000 in his major league career. Pretty blue-collar. Just rolling up his sleeves.)

It may not be fair to judge a person based on one incident, but there are exceptions: Lee Harvey Oswald; the captain of the Exxon Valdez; [Latrell] Sprewell, and now Chacon.

Let's see. We have listed the athlete in question for the article, the guy you just got finished comparing him to (Sprewell), and a very famous man for assassinating a U.S. President. Pretty good, pretty relevant. And what's this? In addition we're going to toss in the captain of an oil tanker that spilled 19 fucking years ago. Not only is that a completely bizarre and random reference, you're talking about people who committed violent acts and lumping them in with a guy charged with negligence.

(This is so hopeless. Is anyone even reading this anymore? I know I wouldn't want to. You should all go do something better with your lives.)

But Sprewell had roughly $23 million coming to him when the Golden State Warriors tried to void his contract. Chacon isn’t that rich, and he isn’t that good. His decision to clock his boss doesn’t really make sense on any level.

Shut up already.....

Sometimes a corporate retreat does the trick. There are also consultants trained in the area of employer-employee relationships. But in this delicate economy, when so many jobs are at risk, energy costs are rising and the housing market is mush, it’s probably imprudent to create tension in the workplace at this particular juncture.

.

..

...

Whatever I'll just say it.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT????

(I'm pretty sure this is a pathetic joke and not actually serious. But why is webspace being wasted on this trash?)

Now for the last sentence of the column. It's the best ending sentence I have ever read. Like, it trumps everything Mariotti has ever done. Therefore, I'm going to copy it here, and not make a comment afterwards, because nothing would quite do it justice.

Maybe Chacon should have made friends while he was in the bullpen, because right now he could use a save.

So Like, Andruw Jones Puts the Dodgers in Good Shape, Right?

Michael Ventre doesn't think so.

[The] Dodgers overpaid for [Andruw Jones], although it’s only for two years, and besides, it’s not my money.

Right off the bat, I'll clarify my standpoint on this. Yes, Jones was overpaid for. He's not worth $18M/season even in this market. It is only two years, however, and the Dodgers are in a spot such that a major improvement at one position could easily be the difference between winning the division and losing.

The Jones move is also beneficial because it gives the team some options. Besides adding another much-needed stick to their odd assemblage of geezers and punks, it creates a positive logjam in the outfield. Jones will play center field, which will move Juan Pierre to left, leaving youngsters Matt Kemp and Andre Ethier to fight it out for right field.

How is that positive? Explain to me how moving Juan Pierre to left field is in any way beneficial for your team. Pierre was a dismal CF, won't be an awesome LF or anything (speed doesn't equal good left-fielder....see also: Podsednik, Scott). In a perfect world, the Dodgers swallow their pride, bench/trade Pierre, and allow younger, better, non-awful Matt Kemp and Andre Ethier to start every day.

Or alternatively, slop that .331 OBP and .353 SLG in left. Those are good numbers at a key offensive position (especially in the NL) right?

It may not be much of a bout. The Dodgers’ most pressing need, even beyond a bat, is starting pitching.

Wrong. Go ahead and prove to me why you're wrong by mentioning good people who start games for the Dodgers.

Their rotation of Brad Penny

The very good pitcher who allowed 9 HR in 208 IP last year.

Derek Lowe

The very good pitcher whose season ERA has not been higher than 3.9 for the last 3 years.

Chad Billingsley

The 3rd year 23-year old who posted a 3.31 ERA and struck out 141 guys in 147 IP last year.

Jason Schmidt

The veteran who prior to last year's injury-destroyed season put up consecutive WHIPs of 1.19, 0.95 (!!!), 1.08, 1.42, and 1.26. This is your 4th starter.

plus whatever retread, fill-in or promising kid they decide to toss into the fray

Apparently you've never heard of Esteban Loaiza, who the Dodgers have, and is a perfectly capable 5th starter on a contending team. And just think, this is who the Dodgers start if no "promising kid" breaks out in the spring.

is not good enough to get them to the World Series. It may not be good enough to win the division.

Holy shit. Be more blatantly wrong please.

Let me get this straight. That rotation might not be good enough to win the division. Only teams with rotations like Brandon Webb, Doug Davis, Livan Hernandez, Micah Owings, and some combination of Yusmeiro Petit, Edgar Gonzalez and the ghost of Randy Johnson, can win the division (with a much, MUCH worse supporting offense than the Dodgers).

That rotation can't go to the World Series, you need one of the great all-time staffs to do something like that! A staff like Jeff Francis, Aaron Cook, Josh Fogg, Jason Hirsh, and some combination of Ubdalo Jimenez, Rodrigo Lopez, and Franklin Morales. The Dodgers don't have a fucking chance!

(Before the pro-Rockies faction of FireJay jumps down my throat, I'm not bashing the Rockies, just illustrating how ridiculous it is for Ventre to rule out the Dodgers from the WS with their rotation.)

Even though the $18.1 mil is a lot of dough per season to pay a guy who is coming off a disappointing year, Jones has the talent to rebound, and more significantly, he has the incentive to do so.

Why is incentive more significant than talent? Every fucking major league baseball player has the incentive to rebound from a bad season. It could be for money, for personal pride, or desire to win the World Series, but every fucking player has the incentive to rebound from a bad year. Don't feed people this bullshit.

From the moment he puts his Jown Hancock on his new contract, Jones will be working hard in preparation for the next one.

1) The "W" is nowhere near the "H" on the keyboard. I have no idea how you fucked that up.

2) This point is totally unique to Andruw Jones, and no other player in baseball is faced with this situation.

More likely, though, given the tendency of major league players to bear down and produce when they know there’s a pot of gold waiting for them

Like Andruw Jones, the very guy you're talking about, did in 2007.

2008 and 2009 could turn out to be career years for Jones.

For completely dissimilar reasons to those you stated, yes.

He’s never been a great hitter for average. He has only hit over .300 once; that was in the 2000 season, when he hit .303.

You don’t get Andruw Jones to hit for average. You get him to patrol center field and to drive in runs.

You forgot walking. He's very good at walking, and it's a very important difference between him and this guy, known for his negative VORP in 2006 despite driving in 100+ runs. Did I mention driving in runs is a stupid way to evaluate Andruw Jones?

With the Dodgers, he’ll be batting behind Rafael Furcal and Pierre, who presumably will do their parts and get on base.

Our friend Michael has turned delusional and is now presuming that Juan Pierre, the perpetual MVP of the MLB Out-Star Game, is going to contribute by ::gasp:: getting on base!

Does the signing of Jones make up for the lack of desire in pursuit of Alex Rodriguez? Serious Dodger watchers knew that A-Rod was more likely to sign with the Kansas City Royals than he was to don the Blue.

The Kansas City Royals wear an equal amount of blue as the Los Angeles Dodgers.

It was a plausible scenario only if you were a fantasy league geek living in your parents’ basement.

Nice. While Ventre goes ahead and alienates the basement-dwelling, Pop-Tart-chomping, Sega Genesis-playing faction of his readers, I'm going to ask legitimate questions.

1) When was there some sort of stereotype that fantasy league geeks, people who presumably have no life but to study up on facts/numbers and understand how baseball works, believe in wild and crazy places for big-ticket stars like A-Rod to land?

2) No professional writer or "baseball man" thought that A-Rod had a shot at going to the Dodgers? Really? There wasn't anything written about him going there and following in Torre's footsteps? There was never a fucking week in which people didn't talk about anything but "A-Rod to the Dodgers?"

Nah, must just be some fantasy geek pipe dream. I have never seen such an out-of-context and unnecessary geek/parents' basement reference.

Anyone else notice how super-personally I'm taking this? My mom even came downstairs because of the noise from how ferociously I was typing! I really hope she brings Teddy Grahams next time.....

And does it help them keep pace with their area rivals to the south, the Los Angeles Angels, who also nabbed a high-profile center fielder in Torii Hunter?

Doesn't matter. The Angels do not play in the same league as the Dodgers.

But if the Dodgers don’t use Jones as a first step in the process of building a World Series contender, it’ll be a waste of money.

For crissake Ventre, Jones works perfectly fine as the last step in the process of building a World Series contender. The Dodgers as-is are well poised to compete and win the division. There's no magic formula for a "World Series team", you just have to get fucking lucky in the playoffs. Thinking the Dodgers can win the division = thinking the Dodgers can make it to the World Series. And I don't think there's an idiot out there that doesn't think that this Dodgers team has a legitimate shot at the NL West title.

He's Back, He's Bad, He's......VENTIN' VENTRE

Everyone, we are about to get hit with some of the worst metaphors known to man.

Red Sox have become baseball tornado

This is what happens when a team wins 3 baseball games in a row, people! It transforms into a natural disaster that annihilates everything in its path!

ANAHEIM, Calif. - The earth opened up Sunday and swallowed the Angels.

Now when did tornadoes get the ability to "open the earth" and make the earth swallow things? This double-metaphor really isn't doing it for me.

Actually, it just seemed that way.

Whew.

It was the Boston Red Sox who devoured them, and really Saturday was more like the final bite before the last burp. Rarely do you see an entire baseball team push itself back from the table, take a deep breath, loosen its belt, and reach for a mint.

....I'm speechless.

What's going on here?

The Red Sox advanced Sunday to the American League Championship Series by completing a sweep of the surprisingly submissive Angels with a 9-1 victory in the best-of-five division series.

Aahhhhh ok. There we go.

Although Stanford upset USC on Saturday, proving that just about anything can happen in sports, this result seemed as if it had been etched in stone, or more specifically, in Bill Stoneman, the Angels’ GM whose mantra is that the Angels don’t need another big bat.

Purpose of big bat: Score more runs
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Already pretty good at that

Somehow I don't blame him.

The Red Sox are moving on because, at least in this series against Los Angeles, it seemed like the only kind of bats they have are big ones.

Also: not hard to win a series when your pitching holds the other team to 4 total runs.

The contrast was startling, as it figures to be in the ALCS. The Red Sox had been sliding somewhat down the stretch in the regular season, allowing their formidable lead in the American League East over the Yankees to dwindle to a squirmy margin. But now that that nonsense has been dispensed with, it’s almost like they’re interested again.

So that's it. They were bored. The Boston Red Sox have been looking up at the Yankees for over a decade, and now that they were the ones sitting in first with a nice lead, it was just too uninteresting for them to care. Cool.

Skipping to later......

Just about every baseball club these days pops champagne after every significant postseason development — gaining the playoffs, winning the division series, winning the championship series, winning the World Series. Investing in champagne stock at this time of year is probably the wisest move on Wall Street.

I'm actually going to stick with my initial conviction that Ventre thinks you can just "invest in champagne stock". Also good: investing in pumpkins near Halloween (like Homer Simpson), investing in pine trees around Christmas, in eggs around Easter, and in fireworks around the 4th of July. These are proven excellent financial strategies.

(we'll leave out the discussion of Ventre's lack of understanding of weak-form efficient markets and the pure idiocy of thinking that the sale of like 1500 bottles of champagne would affect its stock price, if it had a stock)

So it was no surprise to see the Red Sox erupt late Sunday in a bacchanal of bubbly.

After careful analysis of past trends, Michael Ventre has determined that no, it was completely un-shocking, and actually quite predictable that the Red Sox celebrated with champagne.

There was first baseman Kevin Youkilis madly shaking a bottle and spraying it in a 360-degree guyser. There was prankster Manny, filling a tub with ice water, then sneaking up on several unsuspecting teammates. When the champagne ran out, they used cans of beer.

These guys are a fucking baseball TORNADO. What were we writing about again?

Red Sox Nation may turn out to be the greatest country in the world, at least as far as this 2007 baseball season is concern.

This is just a mind-bogglingly stupid sentence.

Oh yeah, and "is concern"? Nice. We don't need no stinkin' editors. Fight, the power, Mike.

Go Indians!

Michael Ventre Is The Worst Writer We Make Fun of

Don't believe me? Exactly one of his articles I've read has not shown up here. Exactly one was just acceptable enough for me to not completely tear apart. Now, let's hear him talk about grit, hustle Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

They don’t have A-Rod. They don’t have Big Papi.

No. They have Vladimir Guerrero, a stupid, Spanish-speaking moron with a .311 EqA who is awful at baseball.

In the estimation of many, they don’t have much, or at least, they don’t have enough.

6th in baseball in runs scored. Lackey. K-Rod. Vlad. A little thing called Kelvim. Who says this team doesn't have enough?

Many onlookers don’t quite know what to make of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. They peruse their lineup and wonder how such a team can maintain their membership in the American League, let alone qualify for the postseason.

Then the onlookers actually do some fucking research (a concept foreign to you, Ventre) and realize that the Angels have a .345 team OBP, good enough for 3rd in the AL.

The Angels consist of low-key manager Mike Scioscia, a bashful superstar who speaks little English in Vladimir Guerrero, a veteran slugger who is even quieter than Guerrero in Garret Anderson, and a bunch of fellows unknown in most households.

Yes, slugger Garret Anderson. 16 HR. .272 EqA. Slugger. Garret Anderson. I guess Ventre didn't quite expel all of his man-juice all over Garret Anderson when he got 10 RBI in a game.

With an unorthodox assemblage comes unorthodox ways. The Angels don’t do things flamboyantly.

Are "unorthodox" and "flamboyant" antonyms now? (that's just a different word for "opposites", Mikey)

They’re rarely the opening story on “SportsCenter” or even “Baseball Tonight.”

Well sound the alarm. This must mean the world thinks they suck! Same with the Indians, Padres, Phillies, and Rockies! Stupid non-firsties!

And even though they have had spirited in-division rivalries with Seattle, Oakland and Texas over the years, such clashes generate a mere fraction of the attention that is received whenever the Yankees and Red Sox tangle.

I'm not saying that this is wrong, but everyone knows why this is true. Nobody except complete idiots think that the Angels aren't a good team for the reason that they aren't constantly in the national limelight.

The Angels thrive primarily because of their outstanding pitching, led by the three starters set to trod the bump in the division series — John Lackey, Kelvim Escobar and Jered Weaver.

No. This is false beyond reason. This is living proof that Michael Ventre has never seen a page of statistics in his life. The Angels have the 11th best ERA in baseball. This is not outstanding. Can anyone refute that? Above-average, yes, but not outstanding. They have scored the 6th most runs in baseball. Their offense is better than their pitching. How can someone argue that the Angels are thriving primarily because of outstanding pitching?????

But the Angels have to score runs, they don’t have many big sticks to do so — they ranked 12th in the AL in dingers this season — so what turns out to be special about them is their ability to act as scavengers, collecting runs by whatever aggressive means possible.

5th in OBP, 6th in runs. Correlation? I think so. But go ahead and attribute it to their scraptacular ability to manufacture runs.

The Angels like to run. Their mantra is to take the extra base. They knock base hits and keep a constant flow of runners zooming around the base paths. They have the personnel to play that way, a lineup that includes Chone Figgins, Orlando Cabrera, Gary Matthews, Jr. and rookie Reggie Willits.

Fuck. I want to make fun of this so bad, but I just can't. Like I mean it's all true....it's not why they're scoring runs or anything, but it's true.

They’ll swipe bags whenever they seen an opportunity, too. Figgins led the team in steals with 41, followed by Willits with 27, Cabrera with 20 and Matthews with 18. The Angels ranked third in the majors in thefts with 139, behind the Mets and Orioles. Of course, only one of those three clubs managed to abscond with a playoff berth.

Which makes an argument for how irrelevant the stolen base is in the long run. It can have a significant impact on an individual game, but getting caught stealing wipes out the expected run value of roughly three stolen bases. That's the whole reason that SBs don't mean all that much unless you have a guy who steals at an absurd success rate.

It’s a little odd to think that Scioscia would preside over this bunch. He had an illustrious career as a catcher, and as such, was more of a tank than a hot rod. In 13 major league seasons, all with the Dodgers, Scioscia amassed a grand total of 29 steals.

Gotcha. It's completely unrealistic for Scioscia to think steals are useful because he was slow. I mean, even though he was a catcher, and the stolen base is something a catcher needs to be thinking about all the time when the other team's guys are on base, I think you have a great point here. Simply awesome. Also notable: Billy Beane was the first MLB executive to understand the true (high) value of a walk, and he was terrible at walking as a player! 11 BB in 309 AB! This should, theoretically, make it impossible for him to think walking is good!

No, this is less of a tribute to Scioscia’s personality than it is to his intellect. He happens to be managing a club that is in a mid-major market — yes, it’s Southern California, but no, it’s not really Los Angeles — and as a result, owner Arte Moreno and general manager Bill Stoneman have opted to keep the payroll low and rely on the kids.

I told you last time. The Angels have the 5th highest payroll in baseball! They pay their players $109M! This is not a mid-major market. This is a major market. They have the 5th highest attendance in baseball. How many more ways can I say this? Only the Red Sox and Yankees spew significantly more money at the players than these Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. You, Michael Ventre, are grossly stupid and completely fucking ignorant.

Guerrero injured his elbow and might be used as a designated hitter against the Red Sox — since he may not have the throwing power to handle right field — and Scioscia knows Guerrero is more comfortable at the plate when he’s playing the outfield than he is as a DH.

Vladimir Guerrero, last 3 years, as DH: .318/.372/.536
Vladimir Guerrero, last 3 years, overall: .328/.389/.572

I'm not convinced that's true. I'd attribute such a small difference to something called slight varaince over 233 ABs.

Figgins was slowed in the month of September by a wrist injury.

I bet it's as dramatic as the last one.

Chone Figgins, 2007 season: .330/.393/.432
Chone Figgins, 2007 September: .302/.390/.413

Granted, he's been worse/not playing in the past week, but word choice there is Ventre's, not mine.

But the Angels have to hustle to get even. The Red Sox merely have to hope for a sudden clap of thunder from one of their longball specialists.

Pitching, hitting, and defense are nice, but no, the key to the Angels winning this series is hustle.

Despite all the comparative stats and past performances, the Angels are hoping that battling pays dividends, that taking the game to the opposition in small flurries instead of waiting around for a haymaker will prove beneficial.

And then they can point and laugh at the Red Sox who are just "waiting for the 3-run homer". That's all the Red Sox do to score runs, anyway. I mean, don't even look up that the Red Sox are 4th in MLB in runs scored despite being 18th in HR. No, that's totally fine. Publish it. I don't care.

Actually I do. It bothers me. I don't like you.

Hey, it’s worked so far. Why tamper?

And that's the end. Look Ventre, you have done a great job of attributing the Angels success to the wrong thing in pretty much every feasible way. Let's recap, you think:

Angels pitching > Angels offense
Importance of Angels hustling, running, stealing > Importance of Angels getting on base

You're a fucking joke, Ventre. You're a worse writer than Mariotti. There. I said it.

(I still hate Jay more)

(and Jay Mohr)

(I just earned myself an awful, awful play on words label for this post)

Guy Gets 10 RBI, Saves Team, Personifies Team, Rescues City From Hurricane, Doesn't Suck at Baseball Anymore

Michael Ventre has a few thoughts on Garret Anderson's 10 RBI evening last night. Since he's such a good writer and never shows up on blogs like this one, I'm sure we can expect things that are well-thought out with no wild claims and exaggerations, right?

Yeah....this is gonna be a disaster. I really hope I beat Fire Joe Morgan to this one.

Garret's eruption puts Angels back on radar
10 RBI night by Anderson reminds us all how good this team really is

Yes, Garret Anderson totally restored my belief that the Angels are a very good team. The fact that they have a very good starting rotation and bullpen, coupled with the fact that they have one of the best hitters in the game in Vlad didn't quite do it for me. I needed a 10 RBI night in an 18-9 blowout by a poor corner outfielder to REMIND me that this team is any good.

Garret Anderson probably will never have a model of shoe named after him. He’ll never spill his guts on “Oprah,” or be photographed coming out of a club with Paris Hilton, or do a talk-show tour demanding a trade.

I get it, he's not one of the most famous players in the world, but this is dumb. I'm guessing the point of this paragraph is to say that Anderson isn't very well-known, but here's the thing, lots of people know about Garret Anderson. They remember him for the 2002 World Series, as well as for being the 2003 Home Run Derby Champ / All-Star game MVP. There was a time that he was a good baseball player, and was relatively famous.

In fact, the only time the Angels’ outfielder is ever featured on “SportsCenter” is if he does something extraordinary.

In fact, this is true for pretty much all players who aren't any good!

There is no doubt today that the acutely low-key Anderson is a “Who’s Now” candidate after belting out 10 RBI Tuesday night.

I acknowledge that "Who's Now" was a very dumb ESPN publicity stunt, but seriously.....

WTF?? Tiger Woods (arguably the best golfer ever), LaDanian Tomlinson (sets NFL record for TD's in a season), Ronaldinho (best soccer player in the world), Garret Anderson (drove in 10 runs in that one regular-season blowout against the Yankees).

"There is no doubt today" that Garret Anderson belongs in the same breath as those people.

It is appropriate that Anderson seized the spotlight in an 18-9 Angels’ decision over the Yanks. It is almost as if the other Angels drew straws to determine which of them would remind the baseball world that they still exist and they’re still viable as championship timber.

So, when deciding who should "remind the baseball world" that the FIRST PLACE ANAHEIM ANGELS WHO ARE IN FIRST PLACE IN A MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL DIVISION FOR BEING ONE OF THE BEST BASEBALL TEAMS IN THE ENTIRE BASEBALL LEAGUE exist, the Angels "drew straws" (a supposedly random method) and Anderson won "appropriately". I don't follow.

This is a Yankees-Red Sox world, after all. Oh, occasionally Cleveland and Detroit will cause a dust-up in their lust for the AL Central crown, or Johan Santana will hurl a gem and in the process underline the Twins’ inadequacies, or the Mariners will scream for attention.

This is only a "Yankees-Red Sox world" for idiots who choose to immerse themselves in those two teams so far that they are oblivious to whatever else is going on in baseball.

Yet the Angels have often seemed so far under the radar that they can’t even be detected with sonar. They just happen to be 6-2 against the diva Yanks so far this season, and are 11-4 in their last 15 against them in Anaheim, including the 2005 playoffs.

ESPN must have been using some sort of ULTRA-sonar to constantly talk about the Angels at the trade deadline about adding another slugger to their lineup or about where A-Rod is going next year.

On Tuesday night, Anderson took a curtain call as a crowd of 45,257 lavished their appreciation. When asked if he expected more such reactions, Anderson said, “It took me 13 years to get that one. I don’t see myself playing for 26 years.”

If he did, he probably wouldn’t be any more of a household name –even in Orange County households – than he is today. And the Angels will likely still be the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, pining for bragging rights over the Dodgers in Southern California, a modest franchise with big dreams.

Please, STOP acting like no one knows who Garret Anderson is! 2002 World Series. 2003 Home Run Derby Champ, 2003 All-Star Game MVP. Granted, he's not one of the most famous baseball players, but he isn't fucking Yuniesky Betancourt either! Ventre, you suck.

This isn’t anything new. Movie cowboy Gene Autry, who owned the team over four decades, shelled out lots of dough to buy guys like Reggie Jackson, Fred Lynn and others in the early 1980s. That team generated a lot of attention, but it didn’t bring Autry a World Series championship.

What does this have to do with anything?

That achievement occurred in 2002, an unlikely crusade that culminated in a series victory over Barry Bonds and the San Francisco Giants. Back then, they were still known as the Anaheim Angels. The following year, they were sold to a Latino businessman named Arte Moreno, who made his millions in billboards.

But no matter how much advertising they have done, the Angels can’t seem to bust out of that small-market pigeonhole, even after replacing “Anaheim” with “Los Angeles” and putting together perhaps the best starting rotation in the majors.

First off, after reading this, I seriously don't think that Ventre knows that the full name of the team is the "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim".

Second, the Angels are 11th in team ERA, and they have a non-awful bullpen, so I'm going to go ahead and say they don't have the best starting rotation in the majors (if anyone can find a site where starting pitching is ranked, I'd actually really like to know, because I can't find one. Leave a comment). The Angels starters, except for that #5 Santana/Colon slot have been very good, however.

Third, and probably most absurdly of all, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN "small-market pigeonhole"!?!?!??!?! Los Angeles is one of the biggest cities in the United States. The Angels have the 4th highest payroll in Major League Baseball. There is absolutely nothing small-market about the Angels. You, Ventre, are the definition of ignorant.

Garret Anderson is the personification of the Angels, at least for today.

The FUCK does that even mean? The "personification" of the Angels? He's a corner outfielder with a .242 EqA. The Angels have kept him around despite consistently low walk totals and shrinking power numbers. He has a .298 OBP. Garret Anderson is the personification of everything the Angels have done wrong in recent history. His 4-year $48M contract is the definition of "mistake". And you're saying that a bad player who had one hot game "personifies" a very good team? You clearly are one of those people who has his head stuck so far up the metaphorical ass of the Yankees and Red Sox to even GLANCE at what other teams are doing. I bet you wouldn't have even written this article if the 10 RBI didn't come against the Yankees.

That only occurred because he happened to become one of only 12 players in major league history to post double-digit RBI in a single game. Ordinarily, he can’t even hope to compete in the “player with the most talent who is most often overlooked” category with Vladimir Guerrero, the Angels’ lone superstar, currently batting .322 with 19 homers and 100 RBI.

Because he doesn't have very much talent. He's bad. He has a .298 OBP.

Anderson, Guerrero, Mike Scioscia, the team’s gently intense manager, and the rest are all a reflection of the stone man named Bill Stoneman.

And the award for greatest play on words in history goes to......

He’s the team’s general manager who is probably more notable for doing nothing at trade deadlines than any of his peers. In fact, his ability to do nothing has to be ranked up there with the greats.

Yet he must be doing something, because the Angels have held on to the AL West lead now deep into August, albeit by a shrinking margin. Stoneman and Moreno have embarked on a Gandhi-like path of passive resistance. They’ll compete, they just won’t go out and spend money on free agents to do so. That’s partly why some idle chatter about A-Rod eventually landing in Anaheim is the funniest stuff to come out of the region since Bob Hope was in his heyday as a standup.

WHLEF;asdf'asdfl;asdkflkals'dfasdklf'ja;sdfkj'asdflsda. The Angels pay their players a lot of money. All the talk about A-Rod going there, whether or not it will happen, is to be taken very seriously. Contrary to what you just said, the Angels splurge big on free agents quite a bit(e.g. Vlad Guerrero, Gary Matthews Jr.), it's just that they just are quiet at the trade deadline usually. Honestly, how can you be this stupid and uninformed and still publish your trash at a place like msnbc.com (then again, it IS msnbc.com, and they hired HatGuy).

Yet the larger implications have to do with another push toward another World Series title. Before Tuesday, the Angels had been the small independent film that everybody respected that would surely be forgotten when Oscar voters cast their ballots. Now they’re more like a studio picture with a little more national backing.

They don’t have what they want yet, but they’re getting there.

The Angels have been transformed...nay....TRANSCENDED by the performance of Garret Anderson into a team that must be considered by all as "legitimate" (they were not at all legitimate before last night). Thanks to him, they won a game by 9 runs when he drove in 10, and if you plug someone else in his place in the batting order, there's no way that they Angels would have won this game. They're nothing to be fucked with, because they have a bad player who got hot for a game. Be warned AL contenders, you may one day meet the wrath of Garret Anderson's powerful bat, as it put the Angels on the map. Thanks to him, they now mean BUSINESS.

MSNBC.com Needs New Analysts....

.....like Michael Ventre needs a new job.

This guy is a total joke. Everything he writes is laughable. Admittedly, there are a few Celizic articles that are hard to tear apart, but this guy just never says anything of value. We're going to have an "INSIGHT" comment after each section, telling you what you can learn from Ventre each time.

Dodger fans will abuse Bonds more than ever
Environment will be truly hostile as Giant seeks record-tying 755th HR

Ooh GREAT! An article about how fans of a divison rival.....don't like Barry very much! What foresight, what ANALYSIS, what STUFF PEOPLE COULDN'T HAVE TOLD THEMSELVES. No really man, really, I expect that you'll write multiple, excellent paragraphs that will make me understand this in a new, more profound way. And if I haven't conveyed this yet, simply an AWESOME topic to write about.

In professional wrestling, it is common to see a villainous figure climb into the ring and spew nasty comments at the crowd. The fans, many of whom work themselves into the equivalent of a ‘roids rage without even taking steroids, scream back at the instigating hulk, questioning his manhood, his ancestry, the whereabouts of his spouse (often suggesting she’s someplace she isn’t supposed to be) and bathing him in every combination of expletives imaginable.

Oh man, gotta love this setup, the wrestling analogy...the angry fans, the "instigating hulk"....how could you NOT draw this comparison?

INSIGHT: None. Just things about wrestling. We'll forgive him later though if this is somehow useful.

Take that scenario, multiply it by 10, and it will approximate the scene at Dodger Stadium this week when Barry Bonds attempts to tie, and then break, Hank Aaron’s career home-run record.

So....the fans won't just be hostile, they're going to be VERY hostile. Continue with this awesome, awesome analogy (and continue saying such awesomely insightful stuff!)

INSIGHT: Dodger fans don't like Barry Bonds, and will jeer, heckle, and boo him intensely. Anyone else not know this already? Because I sure didn't.

The pro wrestling analogy is fitting not simply because Bonds, like many pro wrestlers, resembles one of those huge Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade balloons that appears inflated to the brink of bursting. It’s also appropriate because when Bonds and Dodger fans get together, there is a visceral reaction, a primal, savage, beastly burst of ferocity that rivals scenes on “Animal Planet” when a lion hunts down and then devours a zebra.

Can you imagine a giant Barry Bonds balloon floating down the street during the Macy's parade? Thanks to Michael Ventre, I sure can now. And this "Animal Planet" thing sounds pretty cool. Maybe I should watch that. What's this article about again? Oh yeah. Baseball.

INSIGHT: Barry Bonds got big on steroids. Dodger fans don't like Barry Bonds, and will jeer, heckle, and boo him intensely.

And that’s just during batting practice.

So I was looking up the definition of "hyperbole" in the dictionary the other day, and....hey!

Starting Tuesday, the gloves come off.

Woah....careful man. "Gloves" are boxing equipment, not wrestling equipment. Your extended metaphor is dying.....

Bonds has been showered in boos, catcalls and suggestive remarks every time he has appeared in Chavez Ravine in the past. After all, he’s a Giant. He wears the uniform of a pagan horde, at least in the minds of the locals. When they look at Bonds, they don’t think “home run,” they think “pillage.” They want to roast mutton by an open fire, drink grog, and then battle him to the death.

INSIGHT: Tuesday, Barry Bonds plays in Dodger Stadium. Dodger fans don't like Barry Bonds, and will jeer, heckle, and boo him intensely.

This time, emotions will run even higher. Bonds is attempting to stain the record book by trying to hit Nos. 755 and 756. But he also wants to do it against the Dodgers. Bonds gets off on that.

"Bonds gets off on that"? "stain the record books?" There's something sexual here! Suppose Bonds hits 2 homers Tuesday night, here comes Ventre's article title the next day:

"Record Books Stained as Bonds Excitedly Shoots Off Two Orgasmic Homers Against Rival Dodgers"

INSIGHT: Bonds doesn't like the Dodgers, and (probably?) wants to break the record against them.

Like the aforementioned meat-headed juicers who oil their bodies and then slam each others’ heads into the mat, Bonds has a lot of anger. He is perturbed that a ticker-tape parade isn’t being held every time he enters a new city. He scoffs at detractors who suggest that somehow his accomplishments aren’t worthy of admiration. He mocks those who have followed the legal process and believe that eventually he might be forced to trade in McCovey Cove for Pelican Bay.

Ah, back to wrestling, good. Somehow I doubt that Bonds cares that a "ticker-tape parade" doesn't happen wherever he goes.

INSIGHT: Bonds is an angry man who believes he is doing something great and hates people who say otherwise. (we need people to tell us this???)

Bonds enjoys being despised — usually. He revels in it — for the most part.

INSIGHT: Bonds likes being hated.

But this historic pairing of controversial slugger and proud rival fan base is actually ideal, because whether he wants to admit it or not, this is one situation in which he’d rather not have to deal with resistance. In a perfect world, he’d rather break the record, be greeted with an outpouring of love and appreciation, and then get carried around the stadium on an opulent litter like the kind Cleopatra used to ride in.

More dumb, hyperbolic crap. What a waste of (cyber)space.

INSIGHT: Bonds won't be loved in Dodger Stadium, but ideally, he wants to be loved and appreciated. (This seems VERY contradictory to your last insight!)

Bonds would like the Dodgers to stop the game so that the fans can give him as long a standing ovation as possible without having to be burdened with mundane details like finishing the game. Bonds would love Bud Selig to get on one knee, say, “I’m not worthy,” and then hand him keys to a yacht. Bonds would like a hug from Henry Aaron. Bonds wants a video tribute on the big scoreboard showing his career highlights, but one that is digitally enhanced so it doesn’t appear as if he went from looking like a cyclist to an offensive lineman practically overnight.

Ideally, Bonds would love to orchestrate every detail of his record-breaking performance in Dodger Stadium the way Eva Longoria planned her wedding in France.

Ain’t gonna happen.

Stop, just STOP already. This is nonsense. It's like you realized 4 paragraphs ago you had no point, so you're just spewing hyperbole and analogy left and right.

INSIGHT: Ideally, Bonds wants to be loved and appreciated.

On April 8, 1974 in Atlanta, Aaron broke Babe Ruth’s record for career home runs. He whacked No. 715 off a Dodger, Al Downing. Since then, Downing has been an answer to a trivia question, even though he’s more than that. He had a fine career over 17 major league seasons, most with the Yankees and Dodgers, and has also worked in the Dodgers’ organization.

Downing’s name doesn’t live in infamy. He just happened to give up the record-breaking blast to a great player and a great person. If it wasn’t him, it would have been somebody else.

What does this have to do with anything? I mean it's hard to say you're off topic in an article with no point, but somehow, I REALLY think Downing is irrelevant to talking about Dodger fans hating Bonds. And by the way, great last sentence of this section.

INSIGHT: Al Downing gave up Aaron's record breaking home run, but don't sell him short! He had a nice career, and if he didn't give up that home run, someone else would have!

But pity the Dodger pitcher who gives up Bonds’ record-tying and/or record-breaking dingers this week. Brad Penny will be the L.A. starter on Tuesday night, followed by Mark Hendrickson on Wednesday and Brett Tomko on Thursday. And there are relievers who could be victimized also.

INSIGHT: It would suck to give one of the next two Bonds home runs (duh), and there are several different people who might do that.

There may be a segment of Dodger fans who want to see Bonds break the record this week against the Dodgers for two very different reasons: 1) they want to tell their grandchildren someday that they were present when history was made, or 2) of all the fans in the majors, they feel they are best equipped to unleash a torrent of horrors not seen since medieval times.

INSIGHT: Dodger fans don't like Barry Bonds, and will jeer, heckle, and boo him intensely. (I've pressed CTRL-V 3 times for this already)

Yet most Dodger fans probably want Bonds to be foiled in his quest. They don’t want to see him break the record at all, but they know that’s unrealistic because even if he were on life support he’d somehow blink his eyes and convince the Giants to wheel him out to home plate so he could stick his bat out.

INSIGHT: Dodger fans don't want Barry to break the record, but he will anyway. I am a terrible sportswriter who just uses weird hyperboles to fill up space.

Most Dodger fans want Bonds to strike out every time up, so they can jeer and taunt him. They’ve been doing it to him his entire career, but especially since 1993, when he joined the heathens to the north. They’ve been especially vociferous in their heckling since 2001, when it became clear that Bonds had put on a few extra pounds of muscle.

INSIGHT: CTRL-V! Dodger fans don't like Barry Bonds, and will jeer, heckle, and boo him intensely.

Barry Bonds is coming to Dodger Stadium. It may not be an event as scripted as a pro wrestling match, but Dodger fans definitely know their lines.

INSIGHT: Barry Bonds is coming to Dodger Stadium. What will happen is unknown, but the one thing for certain is.....(CTRL-V!) Dodger fans don't like Barry Bonds, and will jeer, heckle, and boo him intensely.

To those of you reading this. Scroll up to the top. Read it again, but only read the sections marked "INSIGHT" Ask yourself if you learned anything in these sections that you didn't already know (except for that stuff about Al Downing). If the answer is "yes", there's a 97% chance you've never heard of "baseball" before.

Again, really, Ventre, thank you oh so very much for being a baseball analyst who says smart, informed, wise things about baseball that are so obscured to the casual fan.

I'm off to play poker!

The "Other" Dumb Mike of MSNBC.com

I feel bad for Michael Ventre. After all the coverage Mike Celizic has had here at FJM, he hasn't had a single thing written about him. It's not fair! He says stupid things too, ya know.

Red Sox on verge of Mickelson-like collapse?
NL East leaders hitting summer swoon as rival Yankees lurk

This is a pretty legitimate concern. The Red Sox are 62-40. The Yankees' Pythagenport is 61-40.

Yet I can’t help but think of the Red Sox as the Phil Mickelson of baseball.

Heh. Maybe. Go on.....

Lefty had once held the title of Best Golfer Never to Have Won a Major. Then in 2004, he won a major, the Masters. He added to his credentials by winning the PGA Championship in 2005, and another Masters in 2006. Life was good.

Red Sox win 1 thing in 1 year, Mickelson wins 3 things in 3 years. Continue.

But it appears Mickelson had intended only to visit his sport’s peak, not set up camp there. Since then, he collapsed in the 2006 U.S. Open at Winged Foot. This year, he faltered badly in the Scottish Open, a warm-up tournament for the British Open, then missed the cut at Carnoustie.

So you're cherry picking Phil's worst moments to draw this comparison. In addition, you're comparing to how the Red Sox have only visited their "sport's peak" by winning the World Series, and then fell off, rather than set up camp there. Just one little problem, there, Ventre.

NO TEAM HAS WON THE WORLD SERIES MORE THAN ONCE THIS MILLENIUM.

You know what, the Arizona Diamondbacks, LAAnaheims, Fish, ChiSox, and Redbirds are the "Phil Mickelsons of baseball" as well.

If you stare at Mickelson long enough, you can see Mike Torrez. If you look even harder, you can see Bill Buckner.

And if you study the Red Sox these days, the phenomenon is mutual. Stare intently at the wobbly American League East leaders and you’ll see Mickelson, smacking errant tee shots and bogeying three of the final five holes at Loch Lomond.

"anecdotal bullshit" label going on this one? You betcha....

It may not be completely fair to compare the two, since Boston’s bustling infirmary has had something to do with its recent vulnerability. David Ortiz is just recently back from resting a strained shoulder. Curt Schilling is rehabbing in the minors because of right shoulder tendinitis. Jon Lester recently returned to the team after battling a form of lymphoma. J.D. Drew has constant hamstring issues. Matt Clement is still working his way back from offseason shoulder surgery. Brendan Donnelly is recovering from a strained forearm.

It's not fair to say Boston is faltering, because they pay players with higher-than-average injury risk, and now those players are getting hurt. Oh wait, that is fair.

But the Red Sox have shown disturbing signs — for their anguished fans, at least — that they might not feel comfortable at the top. Despite their World Series breakthrough in 2004, their natural tendency to collapse appears to be surfacing.

This is more due to a surge coming from the Yankees than anything (who are STILL way behind their Pythagenport)

And the Red Sox collapsing is about them "not feeling comfortable at the top" and a "natural tendency to collapse". These are good explanations for baseball things, no?

Before Thursday’s games, they held a 6.5 game lead over the second-place New York Yankees, who had been stuck in as large a mental quagmire as they have ever had to try and overcome. It marked the first time since May 11 that Boston had held a lead of fewer than seven games. The Red Sox held a 12-game lead in early July, but the Yankees have somehow asserted themselves.

Somehow, a team that was scoring more runs than they were allowing started to win more games than they were losing! How I wish that there were explanations for things like these! Let's attribute it to a "mental quagmire". Yes, that's it, the Yankees busted out of their "mental quagmire".

And despite the fact that the Red Sox had won five straight before falling on Wednesday against Cleveland, the omens are present.

Oh boy, this is going to be a tough one to explain. "Despite winning 5 out of their last 6, the Red Sox look like they're about to collapse". Bring it.

For instance, on Wednesday night Boston lost to Fausto Carmona and the Indians, 1-0. Nothing to be ashamed of, yet it was unsettling that Josh Beckett threw an outstanding game but lost on one measly mistake to Franklin Gutierrez, which turned into a solo shot. And it was Beckett’s first road loss since last September.

Losing a 1-0 game to a pitcher who has thrown well pretty much all year = sign of imminent collapse. Got it.

Not a problem. Nothing to panic over. Sometimes a black cat crosses your path, and most of the time it means nothing. Most of the time.

You feeling okay there, Mike? They lost one game here, by one run, after winning the last five.....

Meanwhile, the Yankees, a team some consider the luckiest men on the planet — usually the people who believe that live in, or hail from, the New England area — have managed to avert a complete oil spill of a season and are making a run.

Some people consider them the luckiest men on the planet. Other, more informed men, look at the fact that they have been consistently 6 or so wins behind their Pythagenport for a long time and say "wow, they're very unlucky to not be only a game or two behind Boston right now!"

Much of New York’s recent thrust can be credited to white-hot Alex Rodriguez, who is having the kind of season that will enable him to opt out of his contract and will prompt his agent Scott Boras to ask for a new deal worth $35 million per season. A-Rod turns 32 on Friday and is approaching 500 career home runs.

Good. A little love for A-Rod. Finally.

The Yankees trailed by 14.5 games in late May, but they’ve won 11 of their last 13. Probably nothing to fret over. I’m sure the Red Sox will be cool. Historically, they’re known for their composure down the stretch, especially with the numeral “14” involved. They had a 14-game lead in 1978, but it disappeared down the stretch, and Bucky Dent put an exclamation mark on the disaster with a game-winning home run over the Green Monster in a playoff game.

I quote this just to cite that awful, awful connection and transition. I mean, look at it. "Some random date in May, the Red Sox were up by 14.5 games. Speaking of numbers involving '14', remember when...?"

But it’s silly to toss and turn over what might happen in the future. After all, what are the chances that the Boston Red Sox will somehow fail to live up to their promise? They have legions of devoted fans who live and die with their exploits. Why in the world would a team disappoint their fans like that?

pnoles: Hey Mike, will the Red Sox collapse this year?

Michael Ventre: Of course not. Why would they choose to do that? That would disappoint the fans!

David Ortiz has 16 home runs this season. Last year he finished with 54. I’m sure that if he bears down and goes on a tear he can match that total. I wouldn’t worry about it.

The team signed Drew to a five-year contract in the offseason worth $70 million. Lately he’s been limping a lot. So far he’s batting .247, with six home runs and 38 RBI. But he’ll catch fire soon, I’m sure.

In the past, Curt Schilling has been great at two things: popping off, and pitching baseballs. Recently he took a few shots at Barry Bonds during an interview with Bob Costas. That shows that Schilling is at the top of his craft in one area.

But this season he is just 6-4 with a 4.20 ERA in 15 starts, and he hasn’t pitched since June 18. Yet I feel certain that the 40-year-old veteran of 21 major-league seasons will spring to life soon and power the Red Sox to victory like he did in the days when he was pitching in Arizona alongside another invincible war horse, Randy Johnson.

J.D. Drew was playing at his worst when the Red Sox were playing at their best this year. He's improved slightly since the start of the season, and was never the reason for their success in the first place. And Ortiz is by no means having a bad season. .431 OBP, .560 SLG. And yeah, Schilling isn't what he used to be, but there's nothing wrong with a 4.20 ERA, especially when you aren't the number one or number two guy in the rotation.

Folks who follow the Red Sox don’t stress when they see a sizeable lead in the AL East disappear like Whitey Bulger, and notice that the Yankees are making a move. That’s because they’re used to stress. They live with stress 24/7. They’ve had a lot of practice coping with stress. Compared to them, air traffic controllers at our busiest airports are Zen bunnies.

And..."hyperbolic crap"? Yep, that's another one of our labels. Perfect.

The PGA Championship is scheduled to take place in two weeks at Southern Hills in Tulsa, Okla. The best thing that could happen to the Red Sox would be for Mickelson to snap out of his funk and win another major. That would illustrate to them that negative habits can be broken.

Wow. That would be pretty damn good for them. I had an idea too, but yours is better. So here's what I think is the second best thing that could happen to the Red Sox: they don't lose another game this season.

Estimated number of Red Sox players who give a crap how Phil Mickelson golfs: 1.5

A generous 1.5

But if he doesn’t win? No big deal. The Red Sox will cope. They’re used to this. Really.

Phil Mickelson, the fate of the A.L. East is in your hands. Just know that if you mess this up, the Boston Red Sox will forever look to you as the reason they didn't make it this year, because you didn't lead them by example. Why is that your problem? Ventre said so.