Make an immediate run for the Canadian border if Gregg Doyel is ever elected president

Bask in the glow of Gregg's mind-bogglingly stupid stance on how we should form public policy.

In the case of The United States v. Roger Clemens, the government thinks it's helping somebody. Not metaphorically or symbolically, but literally. The government thinks this is good. This is something we want.

No, the government thinks it's something the government wants, because the government really doesn't want people to perjure themselves in front of federal authorities.

This is helping.

Yes. A conviction will help, because the next time some asshole like Clemens is in front of Congress or a grand jury they'll be less inclined to be like GRRRRRR I AM ANGRY AND I LIKE LYING SO I WILL LIE NOW AND THEN I WILL THROW THIS PIECE OF A BROKEN BAT AT ORRIN HATCH BECAUSE HE'S AN ASSHOLE.

The government thinks this trial will remind everyone -- that's you, and that's me -- that lying under oath is wrong.

Assuming Clemens is found guilty or pleads to something, will it not? Will that result make you say "Nah, fuck it, I'm going to keep on perjuring myself anytime I get a chance. It's a fucking rush."

The government also thinks this trial will serve as a lesson for all you kids out there that steroids are bad. Don't take them, little Johnny Ballplayer. This is your reminder. That's what the government thinks.

Here's what I think about The United States v. Roger Clemens: I think the government's case is run by idiots.

Ohhhhh snap

This isn't a Tea Party rant about Big Government sticking its nose into our affairs. And this isn't a liberal plea for compassion toward Clemens, because he has been through so much already. No. This is neither of those.

I don't think you could find 10 people in the entire country with knowledge of the basic facts of this case who hold that "liberal" opinion.

This is steroid fatigue. That's all this is.

I see. The government's interest in showing people that lying to Congress will not be tolerated bores you. Hey everyone, Gregg is ready for something new- can we get some fresh news going on here? Can't the government just let this go and do something awesome like bomb the shit out of North Korea or give free money to everyone?

I'm tired of the whole issue, and I'm preaching to the choir because I know you're tired of it. And the irony doesn't elude me, because here I am complaining about steroid fatigue even as I slog through another set of steroid-story dumbbells.

I'm not tired of it. I want blood! Let's see this fucker get strung up! Eat a penis, Clemens. You're the worst.

Maybe I'm the dumbbell.

Yep.

Nah. The government is the dumbbell, because this is stupid.

No, you were right the first time. Also- what's with the government worrying about all this terrorism stuff? Ugh, it's been like 10 years. Can't they busy themselves with something else? Terrorism this terrorism that. BORING.

Christ. What a fucking asshole.

Excuse Me While I Cover Like Six Subjects In One Post

My parents are getting their hardwood floors redone. They told me the house was going to be filled with toxic fumes for the next few days as a result and that I needed to leave the basement and get out of the house until Thursday. Well, fuck that, I told them. (I didn't actually say "fuck that," it was more like "Nooooooooo, I don't wanna") I'm 23 years old- they can't tell me what to do. Plus I'm terrified of the sun. Have you ever seen how bright that thing is? My Ecksteinian complexion doesn't like light rays of any kind, unless they're coming off a computer that's showing something related to WARP, VORP, or at least EqA.

Unfortunately though, I think they were right about the fumes. I'm feeling kind of nauseous. These Nutter Butters taste funny. My head is spinning; I feel like Rex Grossman on a Saturday night in December. It's really hard to focus on any one topic for more than a couple minutes (read: I am lazy and didn't find anything big to pick apart tonight), so I'm going to do a few short blurbs on a handful of different articles instead. If you're not cool with that idea, well, come down to my basement and stop me. I dare you. It smells like gas mixed with burnt plastic in here.

------------------------------------------------------

First up, Dennis Dodd gets all hot and bothered about texting an athlete. omg ur so good @ ftbll r u on myspace? ;-)

The hype is building for the nation's No. 1 recruit.

Terrelle Pryor told me Friday that he is not visiting Oregon just yet. There was a report out there that the Jeannette, Pa., High quarterback might take a trip out to Eugene this weekend. Oregon offensive coordinator Chip Kelly has been doggedly pursuing him to run Oregon's spread option.

Pryor didn't exactly "tell" me he wasn't visiting Oregon. We exchanged text messages. It struck me that I've got better access to the kid than any recruiter, because of restrictive NCAA rules.

Easy there, Peter King. It's great that you enjoy your job and its perks. But most readers are probably not nearly as impressed with the fact that you have some dude's cell number as you think. Is Pryor even 18 yet? With they way they're tightening up pederast laws these days, this might not even be legal.

-------------------------------------------------------

As we all know, along with the hype about the upcoming "Big Game" this Sunday comes additional hype about those famous commercials that will debut during its numerous breaks in action. Let me just propose a few rules regarding them.

1) Talking animals are almost never funny.

2) Talking babies are never funny.

3) Carlos Mencia is never funny, ever, under any circumstances.

4) If you're throwing a party and one of your guests makes a joke about how "[They] only watch the game to see the commercials, LOL, look how original [they] [are]!" it's OK to make them leave. If you're not hosting the party but overhear such a joke at someone else's, it should be reported to the host or hostess.

Please keep these in mind both next weekend and beyond as some of the ads make their way into regular rotation. If you disagree with any of them, you are unfunny. Sorry. Please keep your mouth shut if you and I ever end up watching TV together for some reason.

---------------------------------------------------------

This isn't bad journalism, but is definitely an insane topic. Did this really need to be written? Are there actually people out there stupid enough to think that even the best NCAA team could get within 40 points of the worst NBA team? If so, I hope they aren't reproducing. The world of sports has enough idiots in it already.

Here's a trivia question: which of the following pairs of leagues have the smallest talent gap between them?

A: NCAA Football and the NFL
B: NCAA Basketball and the NBA
C: MLS and the EPL/La Liga/Serie A
D: The And1 All-Stars and the NBA (I've heard some dumbass kid try to argue this one before)
E: None of them are anywhere close to close. You're out of your flipping gourd if you think otherwise, or want to break things down far enough to answer the question. That's like trying to figure out whether the gap between the Beatles and Good Charlotte is bigger or smaller than the gap between Guns N' Roses and Buckcherry.

The answer is E.

---------------------------------------------------------

CNNSI's Cliff Corcoran weighs in on possible destinations for Barry Bonds this upcoming season. It's not a horrible article top to bottom, but certainly has its patches of garbage. He analyzes the chances of all 30 teams in the article.

Rockies: The holier-than-though Rockies would likely object to adding Bonds on moral (and financial) grounds, but in the most competitive division in baseball, every extra win counts, and Bonds would greatly improve their road performance.

"Hmmm, I don't know much about the Rockies... meh, I'll just say they wouldn't sign Bonds because they're a bunch of religious douchebags!" Christ (no pun intended). That USA Today story from 2005 about the Rockies and their love for the baby Jesus might be the most unintentionally damaging piece of journalism ever written about a team. At the time I'm sure the team appreciated the press and the article was obviously not intended to be malicious. Two and a half years later, however, it's become the fallback joke and horribly awful analytical tool for ignorant journalists everywhere.

Let me give you the real reason the Rockies would never consider signing Bonds, besides the fact that Coors Field has a massive outfield which would tragically expose Bonds's gimpiness. Let's just put it this way: they're pretty well taken care of in left field.

Diamondbacks: The D-Backs have a perfect platoon partner for Bonds in left fielder Eric Byrnes

I'll just stop you right there. Look, Byrnes isn't exactly great. Last year he OPS+ed 104. I'm not here to claim he's some kind of future HOFer. His career line against rightes is .256/.318/.423. That's pretty bad. But last year it was .297/.360/.462. That's pretty darn good. Like, don't-platoon-this-guy good. He also added plenty of value by stealing 50 bases while only getting caught 7 times. And his defense, while annoying to watch (seriously dude, you don't have to do a somersault every time you throw the ball), is passable. Meanwhile, his team is going to be running out a 20 year old RF who hit .221 in limited action last year and might not be ready for the show yet. Their SS OPS+ed 72 last year. Assuming Tony Clark is gone, their bench includes exactly zero guys who can hit worth dick. And you're going to suggest... let me get this straight... that it would be a good idea for them to drop a bunch of money on Bonds... so he can platoon with a right-handed guy who OPSed .820 against righties last year? Arizona has much, much bigger problems than Byrnes.

Angels: The best fit for Bonds in the AL would actually be the Angels, despite the fact that they enter the season as the only team likely to take their division with ease and appear to have a very crowded outfield of their own. That the Angels will pay Gary Matthews Jr. $42 million over the next four seasons doesn't make him any more than the fourth outfielder he's always been save for that one life-changing season in Texas, while Reggie Willits profiles very well as a fifth-outfielder given that he's still earning the league minimum.

Although the Angels desperately need power in their lineup, I'm still going to say Reggie Willits is better than Gary Matthews Jr. I don't really care how much money each is making. I'm more concerned with, you know, how well they play on the field. Although Willits has all the pop of Juan Pierre (less, actually), he still managed to out-OPS Matthews last year. Having a .391 OBP will help that happen.

Corcoran's top choice for where he thinks Bonds will go is San Diego. Cute thought, but I'll give you a dollar if he signs with an NL team. Just send a self addressed and stamped envelope to my basement with an 18 cent processing fee.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Finally, I know Roger Clemens is innocent until proven guilty. But given the response of pretty much every single other player named in the Mitchell Report to their inclusion, it seems extremely likely he took steroids. McNamee had no motive to lie. Anyways, his agent isn't letting him go down without a fight. I'll let the AP and CBSSportsline's headline department describe what actions the agent is taking in his client's defense.

Clemens' agent releases statistical report to refute steroids allegations

Clemens went 40-39 in his last four seasons with the Red Sox, and when the pitcher left Boston's general manager at the time, Dan Duquette, said Clemens was in the "twilight" of his career. Clemens was 192-111 with the Red Sox and won three Cy Young Awards and an MVP, then went 162-73 with Toronto, the New York Yankees and Houston, winning four Cy Youngs.

Great plan. The worst stretch of Clemens' career is the above-mentioned last four years in Boston, spanning from 1993 to 1996. Then things suddenly turned around in 1997 when he went to Toronto. McNamee first connected him to roids in 1998, and didn't say that was the first time Clemens used. He easily could have started a year earlier than when McNamee became his needle buddy. So, yeah! What a perfect idea! Let's compile a report, showing that he was starting to decline during his early 30s (he was still pretty good, but definitely relatively declining compared to the rest of his career to that point), then got great again at almost the exact same time his alleged steroid use started! I understand these are tough times if you're employed in the business of making Roger Clemens look innocent, but this seems like a real General Custer at Little Bighorn of a decision. Might as well try to prove he didn't use steroids by pointing out that his home run totals throughout the course of his career are very consistent.

---------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for indulging my temporary ADD. I'll be back tomorrow with a post that isn't just a lazy cop-out.

Wallace Matthews Gets in a Fight with Webster's Dictionary.....

about the meaning of the word "mediocre". It's not a battle you're gonna win, Matthews.

Yanks have a Rocket that's subsonic

Just an excellent play on words.

Is that all there is?

That is the question Yankee fans have to be fearing right about now.

Is that all there is to the 349-victory, seven-Cy Young Award, $28-million, 44-year-old pitcher who was supposed to come in and save the season, like John Wayne turning back a hostile tribe of Comanches?

Since this was written following Friday's 2-0 loss to the Mets, I can only imagine this article is going to be a bunch of nonsense about how Clemens isn't performing well. Lead the way, Mr. Paid-for-ignorant-analysis.

If that is the question you are fearing - and you have plenty of reason to be - then the words of Jorge Posada, who has caught Roger Clemens twice now, will offer no comfort. "What you saw today is pretty much what he is gonna do," Posada said. "He really gave us everything he had tonight."

Wow. Grossly out of context maybe? When your pitcher goes 6.1 innings, gives up 2 runs, walks only 1, and strikes out 8 guys, that's a good start. It's well above average. If Clemens did that every time, he'd have a 2.84 ERA and have the best K/9 ratio of any starter in baseball. Posada's comment was pointing out that the Rocket's outing was a strong effort, and that he expects such strong efforts to continue. And here you are turning this comment around as if Posada was agreeing with you? "He really gave us everything he had" is a compliment, not an implication that this is Clemens' too-low ceiling for how well he will pitch in the future.

If so, the Yankees should ask for some of that money back. Clemens pitched well enough to beat most teams Friday night, allowing two runs in 6 1/3 innings, walking one and striking out eight. It was good enough to beat the Pirates last week.

This makes so little sense that I'm having a hard time justifying responding to it. So 2 runs in 6 1/3 innings is a good start against the Pirates, but not the Mets? And that 2.84 ERA that start translates to? It's better than that of any team in baseball (lowest is Padres at 2.92). Do you READ the shit you write?

But it was not good enough to beat the Mets, not on a night when Oliver Perez, who is working the entire season for less money than Clemens will make for three starts, strings together seven zeros and the Mets' bullpen supplies the final two.

Do you know what kind of outing beats a team that doesn't give up any runs? NONE! No matter how well Roger Clemens pitched (through 9 innings), he could not have won that game. How does this not make sense to you? He failed to outpitch a team that didn't give up a run, so the Yankees should be worried?

As good as Clemens' line was, it was the worst one posted by any of the eight pitchers who worked Friday night. Numbers aside, it was a mediocre performance at best, devoid of the electricity and intimidation that made Clemens one of the most feared pitchers of the last two decades.

asdjk;fsfljawifojwefj'awefawefjklawefkwl'fawfe

I am literally resisting the urge to pick up my keyboard and hurl it into the monitor.

Let me get this straight. YOU GET PAID TO WRITE THIS SHIT!?!?!?!

So Clemens pitched very well, but because no other pitcher in the game let up a run (in that one game, one, the sample size of games played is one), you have to throw out the numbers and the performance becomes mediocre?

What is the reasoning behind this unexplainable mediocrity? You guessed it. Electricity and intimidation. This start was better than Clemens's career average in earned runs and strikeouts, but you need to throw that out the window, beacuse the Mets hitters were not visibly quivering from the intimidation of the mere 1000 volt charge (down from 6500V back in the day) that Clemens's eyes were shocking into their nervous systems.

This is not what the Yankees were buying when they "lured" Clemens out of a retirement he never really wanted. They thought they were buying the Rocket, a once-every-five-days performer who could lead them out of the abyss they had fallen into. He couldn't be just good, he needed to be great, and not just most of the time, but every time out.

If you told the Yankees, a team that doesn't give a shit about money, before they signed Clemens, that he would put up a 2.84 ERA and strike out 11.8 guys per 9 innings, they would probably have raised their offer for fear of not luring him fast enough. I repeat. The performance that the Rocket delivered Friday was BETTER than his career average performance. It was better than Rocketesque. Maybe he didnt get through the 7th inning, but the bullpen didn't let up any runs, so there's no feasible way to say Clemens let the team down.

But he is no longer that pitcher, no longer that man. In his dotage, the Rocket has become the bottle rocket, capable of the occasional 90-plus fastball - he hit 92 once in the first inning - but mostly living in Mike Mussina territory, high-to-mid 80s and nothing, I mean nothing, over the inside half of the plate.

I've never seen a slow bottle rocket. Who cares about velocity if he's still striking guys out? Most of the point of throwing hard is that it increases the chance of a strikeout.

Can this possibly be the same man who reduced the Mets to jelly in the 2000 World Series, who sawed off Mike Piazza's bat and threw the barrel at him?

Yes. He is the same man, 7 years older. In 2000, he was 37 (and had a higher ERA than this season on a small sample size). If he was pitching worse now, it would be reasonable to assume that it's just because of aging, not because he's a fundamentally different pitcher. But that's just it, Clemens has been BETTER in his 40's than when he was 37. The fact that he's still doing this is unbelievable.

Friday night, Clemens was undone by the smallest, slimmest, sleekest Mets, by Jose Reyes and Carlos Gomez, a couple of kids who rang his doorbell and ran. Between them, Reyes and Gomez combined for five hits, four stolen bases and both runs. Gomez bunted twice for hits on Clemens, and not once was he brushed back, not once was he made to feel that he had offended the new sheriff.

So Clemens pitched bad because:

1) Jose Reyes, who is small and therefore a weak baseball player, got 3 hits off of him, and

2) Carlos Gomez got two BUNT SINGLES, which were Clemens's fault because he didn't throw at Gomez.

Gomez humiliated Clemens, as did Reyes, who twice lined Clemens' only real out pitch, the splitter, for singles, and then rubbed salt in it by crashing a first-pitch hanging curve off the upper deck in right.

When this accounts for literally all the opposing offense in the game, this does not even come close to touching humiliation.

And on the bases, he and Gomez mugged Clemens. In the third inning alone, Gomez stole second, leading to Reyes' RBI single. Then, Reyes stole second and third, only to be stranded by the second of Carlos Delgado's four strikeouts. The only time
either of them tasted dirt was on their headfirst slides.

Last sentence makes no sense. When else do baseball players "taste dirt"?

No mention here of Clemens "humiliating" Delgado. Funny.

"They were running on Rocket and I couldn't do much about it," Posada said.

"Those two guys are fast," Clemens conceded. "Yeah. They're fast."

The same cannot be said of Clemens, whose slowness of delivery is rivaled only by the sluggishness of his fastball. Right now, he is living on the splitter, and on the nights it doesn't split, things are going to get ugly real fast.

Reyes's home run was on a curveball. His two singles were on a splitter. When was the fastball tagged?

Yankees fans better hope. The real fear here is that if his first two starts have shown us just about how good Clemens can be, there are bound to be plenty of starts in which we learn how bad he can be.

Don't bother justifying that, really, it's ok.

And you know more and more teams are going to adopt the approach the Mets used, bunting on the old man with the shaky legs.

Read: More teams are going to be forced to use poorer offensive strategies because they can't hit Clemens very well.

Clemens left the game in the seventh to a mixed chorus of cheers, boos and one large question hanging over him: Does it get any better than this?

Fear the question, fear the answer.

My only fear is that you will never get fired for making absolutely no sense.