Peter King: Fat, stupid v3.0

Monday Morning Quarterback needs to stop.

2. Tennessee (11-1). It's like the debacle against the Jets never happened.

You know which football team is really bad? Detroit. They stink. They’re the 32nd best team in football, right behind the other 31. If the Crimson Tide, Gators, Sooners and Longhorns started their own NFL Division, the Lions would be the 36th worst team in football. They’re awful. As such, crushing Detroit completely eliminates all evidence of a debacle four days prior.

4. Dallas (8-4). I understand the consternation of you who follow "The Fine Fifteen'' rankings, who set your watches by them, who believe in them the way you believe in everything your mother ever told you. And you wonder how I can be jumping the Cowboys over teams more consistently better. Simple. They're better than Carolina, better than Tampa Bay, better than Atlanta, better than Washington.

There are what, three people that this applies to?

11. New England (7-5). Ever notice you're a lot better when you hold onto the ball? Matthew Slater's lucky I like his dad so much, or he'd have been my Goat of the Week for that monumental fumble on the kickoff against the Steelers, with the Patriots down only 13-10. Then the roof caved.

Peter King’s house this morning. King is eating his third jelly donut and is on his second pot of coffee. [Phone rings.]

King: Hello

Voice: Hi Peter, this is Dru Evarts from Ohio University, do you remember me?

King: Oh, Professor Evarts, I do, how have you been, and to what do I owe the honor?

Evarts: I’m well. I was reading your column this morning. Do you remember your journalism ethics class that I taught?

King: Vaguely.

Evarts: Well, do you remember us discussing how to be an unbiased journalist?

King: To be honest Professor, I was probably high during most of your classes.

Evarts: Oh, is that why you were snacking all the time?

King: No, that was just because I was fat.

Evarts: Oh, well, I thought I should call and let you know that it’s never a good idea to let your feelings about someone get in your way of reporting the news.

King: …

Evarts: Peter, are you there?

King: When have I ever done that?

[King slams phone down in disgust.]

You did it right here Peter. Right, fucking, here.

e. Tony Corrente, please learn the meaning of "indisputable visual evidence.'' If there's one thing that gets my goat about instant replay in the NFL, it's referees overturning plays that have some doubt to them. And if you can tell me with 100 percent certainty that the Steve Smith incompletion in the Giants-Redskins game, with Corrente the referee -- as ruled by the officials on the field -- was actually a completion, I'll eat a helmet.

Actually, that’s what Corrente did Sunday afternoon. And Peter King gets fatter.

h. Playoff Express Derailment III: The Chargers lost two straight at home within eight days. They are playing like lost sheep.

Entering Sunday’s game against Atlanta, San Diego was 4-7. By no means were they arguably playoff bound. Entering last Sunday’s game against Indianapolis, San Diego was 4-6. They weren’t playoff bound then, either.

You know what derailed San Diego’s Playoff Express? Losing Shawne Merriman for the season, combined with losing in weeks 1, 2, 5, 7, 8, and 11.

i. Bad, bad call by Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy in a 28-all tie with two minutes left against Carolina. With a fourth-and-one at the Panther 1, McCarthy kicked the field goal rather than try to punch it in. A field goal gives Carolina the chance to drive down for the winning touchdown. A touchdown assure the Packers of no worse than going to overtime, assuming Carolina doesn't score a touchdown and go for two. Getting stopped at the 1 on fourth down makes Carolina have to go 65 yards for a good shot at a winning field goal. I hated the field goal call because the Panthers, who'd been moving the ball well, only had to move into field-goal range to extend the game to overtime.

Peter King, meet Gregg Easterbrook.

What if McCarthy had chosen to go for it and they’d been stopped? Carolina needed just twenty-seven seconds to go 55 yards in two plays. It’s not unreasonable to think that it’s bloody likely that the Panthers would have gained another 10-15 needed to kick a game winning field goal, in this instance, in the 1:33 they’d have had left on the clock.

I’m beyond tired of reading criticism or praise of coaches’ decisions when the people criticizing know full well that it was a judgment call. If, when a coach is making one of these judgment calls, the thought “well, if this works out, he’ll be praised for making the right call, and if it doesn’t, he’ll be vilified for it” pops into your head, well then, you’re not allowed to drone on about how stupid/smart a coach is.*

j. I believe Monte Kiffin is gone, leaving to work with his son at Tennessee, as ESPN reported Sunday. Makes too much sense not to happen.

You don’t say. You know who else believes this? Everyone who watches ESPN and knows that they probably wouldn’t be reporting on something if they hadn’t confirmed its accuracy. You know, because ESPN isn’t you, and all.

2. I think you can make book on Plaxico Burress playing elsewhere in 2009, assuming he's not in jail.

You think I could make book on something that is most certainly going to be the case? Way to go out on a limb there.

d. You miss a few more of those extra-point kind of field goals, Rian Lindell, and you'll be applying for jobs in Calgary. The 20-yard miss was the shortest miss by a Bill since 1981.

Ryan Lindell, for his career from 29 yards and in: 79 of 85. Or, two misses every three years if you want to look at it that way.

Probably a safe bet Lindell won’t be missing any more chip shots; because he, for the most part, doesn’t.

e. Do not blame Aaron Rodgers when the Packers miss the playoffs. Blame the Green Bay rush defense -- Carolina had 94 yards on the ground in the first 20 minutes at Lambeau.

Or, if you’re lazy, blame the Packers coach.

f. Terrible play by Derrick Ward in Giants-Redskins, running out of bounds with 29 seconds left in the first half, a yard short of the first down on third down, instead of diving for the first-down marker, which he definitely could have made. You don't make money in this league by imitating Franco Harris, Derrick.

Franco Harris is in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

Don’t imitate Franco Harris.

a. Starting to hear Mark Teixeira is going to sign for seven or eight years somewhere, probably in Anaheim. And no, I don't call a team an hour outside of Los Angeles "Los Angeles.''

You’re a rebel without a cause, Peter.

c. Plaxico Burress (pre-gunshot) agreed with me about the insanity of the Knicks dumping players and salary two seasons in advance of being able to bid for LeBron James. His point, like mine, is this: What do you tell Knick ticket-buyers who are paying $244.50 for a decent seat (I am serious) for the next two years to see a JV team? I've never heard of something so insane in pro sports.

1) Plaxico Burress agreeing with you, at this point, probably doesn’t reflect well on your credibility.

2) Shit like this happens all the time in pro sports, specifically the NBA. The Celtics in 2006-07, the Heat last year. Ever heard of either of those situations, Peter?

d. Coffeenerdness: Standing in line at Starbucks at this time of year borders on the maddening. The holiday drinks, the sandwiches, the special sprinkles on top of the coffee ... Howard Schultz is trying to be too many things to too many people.

You mean, sort of like you, writing about anything other than football; which you’re not good at writing about anyway?





* = Unless Peter King someday becomes an NFL head coach. In this case, feel free to rip all you'd like.