More "all kinds of awesome" stories about unfamous rich people from LA

That one guy who's not known for anything at all, but has a lot of money and hangs out with attractive women and is known by basketball fans in LA?  HE WAS THERE!!!!!

Looking back, one weekend story line stood out over the others, but that shouldn't stop us from ripping through all of them for posterity's sake. 

We must document this weekend! Sure, on most weekends, normal fans simply watch sports on TV which are broadcast from arenas and stadiums all over the country.  But on THIS weekend, normal fans had the option of going to a single arena and watching lots of sports from a single arena.  Oh, what's that?  You weren't able to make it to 5 out of the 6 games like Bill was, and instead watched them on TV like you normally would?  Pity. 

On Thursday night (Day 1), the Kings throttled the Coyotes and moved within one victory of the Stanley Cup finals. My daughter was happy because her favorite player, Anze Kopitar, scored a breakaway goal, dominated the game and did a bunch of Kopi things. 

That's one.

In general, she loves attending playoff games because "the fans are louder" 

Sounds like a bunch of bandwagoners to me.  The legendary Beantown faithful always give 110 fackin' pahcent no matter what.  Unless their teams are below .500.  At that point, it's simply too painful to cheer for the teams because the fans care too much.  They'll only start watching again if the team gets a new owner, or makes the conference finals.  Their passion is a blessing and a curse.

and "everyone tries harder." (Look out, Shaq, I think someone is gunning for your "Master of the Obvious" title.) 

That former athlete on TV says inane things!  Better bring it up in every single column!  

She really loved the last two minutes, when Phoenix couldn't pull its goalie because the Kings were pressuring them so relentlessly. As it happened, the long-suffering Kings fans 

Who are so pathetic, they outwardly hope their team wins the division.

were standing, hollering, waving white towels and practically shattering the glass with their approval. It was all kinds of awesome. 

Totes?  Totes!  "All kinds of awesome."  Glad Grantland is written for people who think the writing at SI for Kids is a little too high fallutin'.

Every time I get worried about burning out on sports after four solid decades of giving a crap about total strangers, 

One of my teams which hasn't been deep into the playoffs for a few years makes a run, and I get to rediscover them and learn about the new players they've added since the last time they were good enough to make me pay attention.

I find myself caught up in a moment like the last two minutes of that Kings game — when you're embedded in the heart of 20,000 people basically losing their shit — and you think to yourself, Oh, yeah, that's why I do this for a living. 

So I can show off my knowledge of reality TV.

What a game.

It was like Shawshank mixed with The Client List!

The drama kept coming on Friday night, when the Lakers rallied in a must-win Game 3 to squeeze past a clearly superior Oklahoma City team. 

Consider your team ZINGED, Lakers fans.

Any conspiracy theorist could have predicted the chain of events down the stretch: Kobe did a few Kobe things; 

There's two.

the officials shifted into "we need this series to last longer than four games" mode; 

I'm way way way way late on this article, but have you been watching Simmons melt down on Twitter re: the refs in the Miami/Boston series?  It's great stuff.  Warms my icy heart.

the Lakers sank an incredible number of free throws (41 of 42 in all, although it felt like 141 of 142 as it was happening); and the young Zombie Sonics 

That bit was tired and inane three years ago.  Easterbrook would be proud.

squandered the pivotal possession of the game (and learned a valuable lesson for the next night). Actually, this deserves its own paragraph.

Mmmm.  Sip it, readers.  Let Bill tell you exactly how Bill is going to tell you how sports work.  After this, he'll begin on a new topic.  Where does this paragraph rank on the list of paragraphs that needed to be written?  Level 7.

Trailing by one with under 20 seconds left, Durant drew a double on his drive and dished to a wide-open Serge Ibaka (bad move), realized his mistake and crashed the boards as Ibaka was mid-brick, retrieved the rebound, went right back up with a second shot and got belted to the ground. No call, game (effectively) over. Durant spent the next few seconds crumpled on the ground in disbelief, his freakishly long arms wrapped around his freakishly long legs, as Kendrick Perkins berated the offending official with one of those "How could you not call that? I know you saw it! You were right there!" sneers on his face. That's my enduring memory of that game. Sometimes in the NBA, it's just not gonna be your night. Let's leave it at that.

Like I was saying, great stuff in light of recent events.

I had brought my buddy Geoff (visiting from Sonoma) 

Tell us more about Geoff!  Sonoma?  Sounds fancy!  Does he wear strange clothing and hang out with HOT BLONDES?

to this game, which doubled as his first Lakers game ever. Other than being totally fascinated by Ron Artest — not just his ongoing insanity from play to play, but the fact that Laker fans screamed "Noooooooo!" at least three different times when it seemed like Artest might take a shot at the wrong time — Geoff was begrudgingly impressed by the passion of Lakers fans, saying simply, "I didn't think they'd be this loud" and admiring their collective confidence in Kobe.

You can assume from context that Geoff (the tastefully named Geoff!) is a Celtics fan.  And that's some lofty Celtics fan analysis of Lakers fans: "Wow, I thought only WE were loud and special and gifted with magical team-to-victory-willing powers.  What's this noise I hear from these other people?  Are they allowed to do this?  THEY LOVE CAR FLAGS, THEY CAN'T BE REAL FANS"

And that's a crucial point: Even if Kobe's overrated crunch-time efficiency can be picked apart in about three seconds, 

IT DESERVES AN ASTERISK!

when you're sitting there in Staples, you always feel like he's going to come through. He carries himself like that will happen, and really, so do Laker fans. 

I hate Lakers fans so much, and yet when Bill writes about them my brain turns them into protagonists. Those lovable scamps!  They certainly do love that shitbag superstar of theirs, don't they?

I can't handle what happened in Game 7 of the 2010 Finals for a variety of reasons — most notably, 

all the abominable jokes my readers keep emailing to me about the guy who rightfully earned series MVP.

the fact that the Celtics blew the title — but letting Kobe off the hook was my second-biggest regret. 

Imagine how on the hook he would be with four rings instead of five!  People would look back at that hideous game 7, in which neither team could have thrown the ball into the ocean from the beach, and say "Kobe blew it!  It's all his fault!  Hooray for the Celtics!"

After Kobe single-handedly shot the Lakers out of that game, the Celtics only needed to score a couple of times in the third quarter to steal a title that, again, Kobe was gift-wrapping for them. 

Again, shades of Easterbrook.  If the Celtics just score a couple times in the 3rd quarter, nothing in the 4th quarter changes and Boston wins!  Better yet, Boston led until the six minute mark of the 4th.  If they had just drained an average of an extra 10 seconds off the shot clock on each of their first 36 possessions, the clock would have run out before the Lakers took the lead!

Trust me, I was there. 

Trust me folks - I'm a world-renowned source for objective analysis of Boston sports.  Also, have YOU ever been to an NBA Finals game 7 between two of the league's most popular teams?  No?  Pity.  Bill has.  He's part of Hollywood, you see.

The fans were catatonic. You could practically hear them recalibrating Kobe's legacy in their own heads. 

A strong contender for the most laughable thing he's written this year.  If the Lakers hadn't also won the 2009 title, maybe I could kind of sort of buy this because Kobe wouldn't yet have gotten the "win without Shaq" monkey off his back.  As this actually happened, that is ridiculous bullshit.

Then the Celtics started missing shots, 

The refs made them do it!

the Lakers kept crashing the boards, 

Important nuance (doubtlessly intentionally) omitted by Bill: Bryant was one of the Lakers' most important board crashers in that fourth quarter; he had four, all within a three minute stretch that saw the game go from tied to a six point Laker lead.

the game swung their way, and Kobe did just enough in the final eight minutes to make everyone (sort of) forget the first 40. 

8 FOR 40 LOLOLOL

Their confidence in Kobe Bean Bryant never wavered again. It's just one of the many reasons why I hate going to Laker games. If you were a Boston fan, would you want to willingly enter a world in which Kobe wears a superhero's cap, everyone wears yellow and "I Love L.A." blares after every victory? 

Got to give him points for acknowledging the possibility that other teams have rivalries, and thus fans of other teams could understand just what it's like to be IN THE TRENCHES for a LEGENDARY CLASH OF TITANS LIKE THIS.

I didn't think so.

Holy shit it's like we're having a conversation!  This is the best sportswriter ever, I've got to tell my new bros in my intro to sociology class about him, he even writes about hot chicks and getting drunk!  This guy is all kinds of awesome!

In case you were wondering, I didn't enjoy Game 3. Was it the second straight superb sporting event of the Playoff Eclipse? (Gritting my teeth.) Yes.

I SUPPOSE I enjoyed seeing an exciting NBA playoff game live from the arena in great seats.  I GUESS.  It's hard to appreciate any single one of them when you attend so many, though.  Now where are my monocle and top hat?

Bud Selig is a Naive Moron

I guess in preparation for my fair town hosting the All Star Game, St. Louis Post Dispatch writer Rick Hummel got to talk to Bud Selig. He proves he can hold a grudge, can't answer direct questions, and that he is a guiding light for naive morons everywhere.

Bonus FJM Drinking Game: Everytime you read to word "eliminated," take a drink.

My first problem with this article was that the headline to it is "Baseball prospers under Bud Selig." It

(1) has nothing to do with the article, and
(2) is wrong.

I'm not picking on this because a capitalization weary Larry B showed us that the writer does not write his headlines. (Larry also showed us his gmail address, his lack of a good internet browser, his problem with spam, and lack of labels. What an unorganized schmuck!) Now onto the fireworks.

As a Milwaukee Braves fan in 1956, he still laments the two catches a nondescript Cardinals outfielder named Bobby Del Greco made on a Saturday night in St. Louis to cost the Braves what would be their first pennant.

"We lose 2-1 and Bobby Del Greco makes two catches he couldn't make again if his life depended on it," said Selig. "I was mad at him that night. I didn't sleep — and I'm still mad at him."

To which Selig writes a note: "Have Del Greco eliminated." Unlike Joe Morgan's stories, this one is actually true.

Q: Do you worry about the impact the recession will have on baseball?

A: I worried about it last fall, no question about it. I used to think that in some of the previous recessions that baseball was recession-proof. But not this one. So far, while advertising sales are down and clubs have had some trouble with sponsorships, our attendance is down between four and five percent, which is remarkably good.

Baseball does not prosper under Selig, it just doesn't implode. I seem to remember seeing that another league had attendance go up this past season. I realize there's a big difference in selling tickets to 80+ games in stadiums that seat 40,000+ fans compared to 40+ games in arenas that might seat 20,000, among many other financial differences between the ticketing systems in both leagues. Let me gloat about hockey for one paragraph, and then back to shitting all over it once the preseason starts in September.

Q: When you hear the names of Rodriguez, Ramirez and Sosa linked to performance-enhancing drugs, how does that make you feel?

A: All it proves is that our program is working and nobody is above the law. I'm the only commissioner of any sport who ever called on an outsider, George Mitchell, to do a study of the sports. He made 20 recommendations and we adopted every one of them. This is a subject of collective bargaining. It cannot be unilaterally implemented. When I could do it, I did it. We've toughened our program three times, had the Mitchell investigation. I'm proud of what baseball has done. … Anybody who's still living in the '90s, who said we should have done something, well, I can't talk to them. But it's easy, in the retrospect of history, to be very smart 11 years later. I'm very protective of the image of the sport. Sure, do I wish it hadn't happened? Of course, I do. Do I worry about it? Of course, I do. But I'm proud of our players. I've had players call me and tell me, 'No, everybody didn't do it. Most of us didn't do it. And that's unfair.' And I do think some members of the media have not only overreacted, they've overreacted without any facts.

Surprisingly, Selig's answer wasn't "Feelings only make you weak," followed by ripping the heart out of Rick Hummel, eating the still beating organ and then checking his stock portfolio on Fox Business Channel. Instead, his answer is to a question that wasn't asked and it takes an unnecessarily defensive stance on what was/is? a problem. If you totally ignore the problem, only losers will talk about it. Who cares what losers say anyways? They aren't with the time, those losers. And to any of you lameoids still living in the 90's, stop ruining baseball with your positive drug tests in 2001-present.

Q: Would you be in favor of the list of other 103 players who tested positive in 2003 being released?

A: There was a list that was supposed to be eliminated.

The list or the players on it?

That was the agreement, in all fairness. It wasn't, for some reason, as the players' association didn't get (it) thrown out. The answer is that it was supposed to be anonymous, but it's now in the government's hands. But I would want to say something to all these people who are grumbling about these things. If we didn't force those tests, none of this would have ever been public. Does that tell you that we're not hiding and have never tried to hide anything?

The answer to this question is yes or no. Miraculously, neither of those words show up in that answer. If there is a list, and it's supposed to be "eliminated," why the fuck are you going to throw it out? Shred it. Flush it down the toilet at the gas station. Burn it in the fire that glows deep in your soulless body. But throw it out? That's a fail proof plan to keep things safe and out of the public eye.

Q: Do you concern yourself with the fact that, somewhere, there are chemists at work trying to concoct some other potion to beat the system?

A: Yes. All of us in sports worry about that. But we've come a long way in our understanding of this. Will there be new chemists? Of course, there will be. And we just have to be very vigilant and have to stay ahead of the game. Steroids are not a baseball problem. Steroids are a societal problem. Could I sit here today and say, 'We've got everything under control.' I wouldn't even make a statement like that. It would be foolish.

See? Baseball doesn't need to clean up here, it's society. Get with it, society! You're tarnishing the game's reputation, with your steroids and techno music. Society, it is YOUR fault that these premier athletes are trying to find new ways to cheat to make millions of dollars to play a game.

Q: In the last eight years, there have been 13 different teams in the World Series. How good is that for baseball?

A: I looked out at the field last year and saw Tampa Bay in the World Series, I said, 'That's a great thing for the sport.' It wasn't always well-received on the East Coast, but if baseball can't survive in Middle America, baseball won't be the sport we thought it could be.

A rather pointed question that I didn't really care for yields an even worse answer. Tampa Bay is on the west coast of Florida, which... uh.... uh huh. Still on the East Coast. Not in Middle America.


Q: Do you perceive that the Home Run Derby has taken on a bigger life than the All-Star Game itself?

A: It's big. It's the highest-rated cable show of the summer. But I was in St. Louis for the All-Star Game in St. Louis in 1966. I was trying to get a (major league) team for Milwaukee. All I can remember is I sat down in a seat that was so hot, I had a Coke in my hand and I spilled it all over the friend I came with. But it was a one-day event. People came in, saw the game and left. What you're going to see in St. Louis is really a celebration of the sport for six days. The Home Run Derby is huge, no question about it. But does it eclipse the game? I don't think so.

He went to the All-Star game in 1966, and all he remembers is spilling a Coke. I meant to erect a monument to that story, but I couldn't find a grade of marble boring enough.

He can also remember the name of a Cardinals outfielder in the 1950's, but when it comes to remembering anything from an All-Star game 10 years later, it's all hot metal and Coke. What a piece of shit.

Q: What's your favorite All-Star Game memory?

A: I guess Cal Ripken (hitting a home run in his last All-Star Game) in Seattle in 2001. Cal Ripken is everything baseball should have. You want me to go back? OK, 1955, Stan the Man right here in Milwaukee off Frank Sullivan. I'll never forget it. There was the All-Star Game I went to with my brother in 1950 in Chicago's Comiskey Park. I believe Albert Fred "Red" Schoendienst won that one with a 14th-inning homer.

What the fuck is going on here? Here's that game he went to in 1966. And he doesn't remember a 2-1 extra innings All-Star game. But he does remember a Stan Musial home run 11 years before that.

Q: Least favorite All-Star memory? I suspect it was the 11-inning tie in 2002?

A: It was unfortunate because it happened (in Milwaukee). My wife left early that night. She was smart because she was about to have hip replacement surgery.

Good thing she was walking around the All-Star Game.

Joe (Torre) used Barry Zito for like one hitter and I said to my wife before she left, 'I hope to hell Joe knows what he's doing.' And she said, 'Oh, don't worry, Buddy, he does.' But when the umpire (Gerry Davis) came over to me and told me that (Vicente) Padilla was laboring and Joe was worried about Freddy Garcia. We were out of pitchers and I'll tell you how it happened. In 1993 in Baltimore, when Cito Gaston didn't use Mike Mussina, the crowd booed the hell out of him. The managers (then) decided they were going to get everybody in the game. Sandy Alderson (Selig's right-hand man) and I worried from the late '90s on that something like this was going to happen. It happened. It was unfortunate. Now we've added some pitchers and it's never going to happen again."

Fans were booing that their player wasn't being used. That doesn't mean use every player, it means that if you're in Baltimore and an Oriole is on the roster, you should play him. So because of Orioles fans, the All-Star Game counts. Or should we blame Cito Gaston? I can't wait for this to happen again.

Q: Does the interleague play need to be adjusted, i.e., do natural rivals really need to play six games a year, rather than three?

A: The natural rivalries are so good. The first time I ever heard interleague play talked about was by (Bill) Veeck and (Hank) Greenberg in the late 1940s. Our attendance is up for interleague play by 19.5 percent. Veeck and Greenberg were absolutely right. And our fans like it. Yes, there are some scheduling things that aren't perfect. But what's interesting is that you've got a lot of rivalries that people like — rivalries that people didn't know about. Pittsburgh wants to play Cleveland. Cincinnati wants to play Cleveland and they fight over it. So this idea is that it's only New York and Chicago …

Cleveland and Pittsburgh hate each others teams in football, too. It's a geographic rivalry, as is two Ohio teams playing each other. Interleague works for a lot more for two cities, but Rockies v. Mariners? Rays vs. Any NL team that they didn't lose to in the World Series?

Q: The DH was instituted more than 35 years ago to help improve attendance in the American League with more scoring. Now that that goal has been achieved, isn't it time to have the same rules in both leagues?

A: The American League clubs really do like it. The National League clubs clearly do not. (Former Philadelphia owner) Bill Giles said to me a few years ago that a little controversy helps. Eventually there will be some event that will force us to make a decision, but not yet. That's not an issue I want to force right now.

That event will be fans booing the hell out of somebody, followed by an idiotic decision made from a field box 10 years later. Most likely, it will be a result of the second coming of Cito Gaston.

Q: Do you have fun in this job?

A: I'm not sure 'fun' would be the right word.

So the answer is no?

You have 30 owners with 30 different agendas. But I do love the challenges and the responsibilities. I do question my sanity sometimes.

That explains the Florida Marlins...

I'll be 75 years old on July 30 and when this term is over, I'll be 78. Let me put it this way. It's been a remarkable journey.

Straight into the ground?

Have you found it interesting that since the All-Star Game carrot of the winning league having home-field advantage — home field for the seventh and decisive game — has been in effect, that game actually never has taken place?

I’d like to see a seven-game World Series, I don’t mind telling you. I miss that. We didn’t really have a great idea in place. One year, you got (the home-field advantage) and the next year I got it. So, in talking to the Fox people, I really liked the idea because it does revive interest in the All-Star Game.

Taking turns really is a horrible solution, much worse than placing meaning on a game where guys don't try as hard so they don't get hurt. Also great to see that FOX made the decision to place meaning on the All-Star Game. Who would have thought that a change in rules would be a money grab?

Since then, the games have been played with great intensity. I think it’s worked out great and I think it’s restored the intensity of the game. I had called my friend, Ron Santo, in 2002, to see how he was feeling and he told me, ‘When we were in the All-Star Game, everybody played hard and we wanted to win. Guys today are gone after three innings.’ Hank Aaron said the same thing and asked me, ‘Can’t you do something?’ I think it’s here to stay unless somebody comes up with a better idea. Now the fact that we don’t seem to able to get past Game No. 5 (of the World Series) is a whole another story."

Are we sure that Ron Santo wasn't just referring to the fact that everybody is getting replaced by other players starting in the 3rd inning so that everybody plays? If you want millionaires to try harder, how about holding their possessions over a vat or acid and dropping them in if they mail it in? Fans text message votes in to monetize the situation and suddenly you have a sponsorable solution.

Would it good for baseball if the National League won an All-Star Game pretty soon?

Uh, I’m the commissioner … so I have to remain impartial. I’ll let you answer that.

The answer? Eliminated.