The real question is, Who's Now? Is Mike Trout Now?

I should have done this post back on Tuesday when I took the screen cap, but fuck it, it's still relevant so I'll do it now.  Here's the ESPN front page as of Tuesday morning:

First of all, before we get to the main event, let's look at the undercard that is the four "sub front page" stories on the bottom.

Going from left to right: NCAA women's basketball, which is front page news the day after MLB opening day, while the NBA and NHL are approaching the end of the regular season.  I wonder why this is here?  Could it be because ESPN televises NCAAW tournament games?  Nah, no way, couldn't be.  I was promised by John Skipper (or some other piece of cat shit high powered ESPN decision maker, I'm not going to look up exactly who it was right now but I'm pretty sure it was Skipper) in "Those Guys Have All the Fun" that's ESPN's editorial decisionmaking process is COMPLETELY REMOVED from its business side.  So therefore, I guess NCAAW is on there with the same number of panels/stories as MLB because it's editorially important to cover it, right?  And I guess the NHL just really isn't editorially important at all.  Not that I give a shit whether ESPN enables obnoxious NHL fanboys (who are the worst fans this side of obnoxious soccer fanboys) by giving the fanboys' sport the attention the fanboys think it deserves, but come on.  Fucking women's basketball?  Fuck that.  Fuck.

Next: Turmoil in Indy.  Wow, holy hell!  It's a story about a team that isn't the Heat, Knicks, Bulls or Lakers!  And it appears to be about how they're doing on the court and what challenges they might face as they move towards the playoffs!  Wild stuff.  I'm shocked.  ESPN management is aware of the relatively low number of people who live in Indy and/or follow the Pacers, right?

Next: Final Four.  It's the week before the Final Four.  Sounds like news to me.

Finally: "Critical of Kobe."  I don't know what this is and I don't give a fuck.  He hasn't played a meaningful game in a year.  I don't care what he Tweeted about what someone wrote about what he Tweeted, or whatever the fuck is being addressed here.  This is tabloid garbage and it does not belong on the front page, or anywhere else.

OK, enough of that.  I should just be happy the entire front page isn't NFL draft.  IT'S ONLY FIVE WEEKS AWAY, GUYS.  WHO'S GOING TO GO #1 OVERALL?  I THINK I JUST PEED MY PANTS.  Fuck the NFL draft.  Anyways, here's the reason I decided to write this post in the first place.

Mike Trout is really awesome.  He's the best player in baseball.  When he signs a gigantic contract extension, that's very important news.  However, he signed that contract on Friday night.  In the world of 24 hour sports news, it's ancient history by Tuesday morning.  It would have been ancient history even if Monday weren't opening day, i.e. the day on which a bunch of teams played their first game and lots of cool stuff happened.  Now, Mike Trout hit a home run on Monday night, which is pretty cool.  But his team still got their shit kicked in by the Mariners.  They lost 10-3.  But that doesn't even get mentioned in the subheadline.  It's only in the title of one of the links.  To be clear: I am not a Mariners fan.  I don't give a pot of piss about the Mariners.  I am not whining about this because I feel like the Mariners have been disrespected here.  As you can see from the highlighted box on the score ticker at the top of the screen capture, I am a Rockies fan.  God, do the Rockies suck.  Anyways.

So, the Mariners beat the Angels on Monday night.  Lots of other baseball stuff happened too.  What is ESPN's angle?  Well, since ESPN is more interested in promoting marketable personalities (WHO'S NOW????  IS JOHNNY FOOTBALL NOW?  I'M PRETTY SURE HE IS NOW) than covering sports, the angle becomes: Mike Trout hit a home run.  But Mike Trout's home run was pretty unimportant.  It was a long ways away from being the most important thing to happen in this game, and this game was definitely not the night's most entertaining.  Thus: this home run isn't really news, unless you're some shithead who cares more about stories and narratives than about sports.  Unfortunately, that's exactly who ESPN caters to.

ESPN is awful.  Please stop watching ESPN, people.  I have, except for live MLB and NBA broadcasts, and with the MLB ones I mute the TV.  (Their NBA announcers are kind of good though!)  Reading ESPN.com is not as bad as watching the network, but it's still terrible.  What do they offer that another major content provider that is 10% less horrible doesn't?  If you think the answer isn't "Nothing," you are wrong.  Just go to CBS or FoxSports or the actual home page of whatever league/sport you like to follow.  You won't regret it!  Oh, and if you use ESPN ScoreCenter on your phone, please stop.  That app was OK a couple years ago but it's horrendous now.  You're going to laugh at this suggestion, but I stand behind it.  Hear me out.  Delete ScoreCenter now and download TeamStream.  Yes, TeamStream is from Bleacher Report.  No, I do not go to Bleacher Report's website.  No, I do not respect Bleacher Report.  But damn, that is one fine app.  Seriously.  Try it.

In conclusion: fuck ESPN in the nose.

Derek Jeter Derek Jeter Derek Jeter Derek Jeter Derek Jeter

FireJay is going to be a Jeter-only blog until further notice.  I've got all kinds of material backed up, from the guy who wants the HOF waiting period changed for him, to a guy who says he's not a HOFer at all (not enough batting titles--no I'm serious).  It's all Jeter, all the time for the next couple of weeks.  Since most of these don't require much of an in-depth post, I should be able to get through them pretty quickly.  For tonight's post, I'm just going to take some pot shots at his personality, because you know what?  Fuck Derek Jeter and fuck anyone who says he's a "classy guy" for no apparent reason.  Fuck 'em all.

You know what's a classy way to retire if you're a superstar?  You play out your last season, then when the season is over, you announce your retirement.  You know what else is an acceptable way to retire?  You announce near the end of your last season that you will retire when it's over, so your hometown fans have a chance to cheer extra loudly for you a few last times.  This is particularly acceptable if you've played your whole career with one team.

You know what's a really fucking obnoxious way to retire?  Announce before the season starts that it will be your last, turning said season into one long farewell tour so everyone can suck your dick for 162 games straight.  Examples: Chipper Jones, and you-know-who.  YEAH JEETS.  It becomes especially motherfucking obnoxious when the player who does this--and they always ostensibly do it in part so that "it doesn't become a distraction" during the season--then takes every single goddamn opportunity to turn the whole thing into as much of a distraction as possible.

A couple of quick caveats: First, Chipper was and is an asshole, but he obviously wasn't as horrible about this as Jeter is going to be, even though they both announced during spring training.  I really don't think Chipper gives a shit about attention, which is what separates him from Jeter.  Second, while I despised the Mariano Rivera 2013 Goodbye Tour that took over last season, I'll cut him a bit of a break given that he was coming back from that nasty knee injury he sustained in 2012.  It was a legitimate question whether he would pitch again--then he decided to, and also announced his retirement, since he was old as shit and somehow coming back from a torn ACL.  I can live with that.

Anyways, back to the most important person who has ever played baseball, or breathed air on this planet, Derek "My Playoff Triple Slash Is Virtually Identical To My Regular Season Triple Slash" Jeter, and the press conference he conducted earlier this week.  Good thing no one was distracted by it!  Now, I am not so much of a dipshit to think "distractions" like retirement announcements and whether a player is straight or gay have a significant effect on a team's performance.  I just hate disingenuous people, and if ever there was a disingenuous thing to do, it's be Derek Jeter, announce your retirement in February, then pretend to be surprised and/or nonplussed about how everyone wants to talk about it and shower you with gifts and questions and love.

And while most of the conversation was about his retirement, it wasn’t like most retirement announcements we normally see. Jeter had no prepared statement. He said he said everything in the Facebook message last week. The reason? He didn’t want to be a distraction and didn’t want his teammates to have to show up for a formal announcement ceremony. 

That's Jeter.  Always thinking of the team first.  Even when he was a below average defensive shortstop and his team traded for an elite defensive shortstop and then Jeter pouted, refused to move to third base, and forced the team to force new guy to move to third base, that was all about the team.  By which I mean Team Jeets.

He just asked for it to be a normal. ”I still have a season to play,” Jeter said.

How dare you forget, sportswriters?  How fucking damn dare you?  He's still got a season to spend missing every ground ball not hit directly at him, legging out a handful of infield singles while risking a humiliating career-ending hamstring explosion, and getting a fucking standing ovation everywhere he goes.  (Aren't you just so excited for his last game at Fenway, when TAWM BRADY NATION will applaud for him?  You don't suppose that'll be publicized and analyzed for weeks and weeks afterwards, do you?  Nahhh, I didn't think it would either.)

When pressed for reasons for his retirement he half-jokingly, but somewhat seriously, asked the reporters if they didn’t really read his Facebook announcement. 

Talking down to reporters who are just doing their job is the ultimate classy move.   

Because that was it. Everything he had to say about it was in there.

I'm disappointed in HardBallTalk's Craig Calcaterra for the non-editorial nature of this writeup.  He's a smart guy who usually injects a little snark into his posts when it's needed.  And boy was it needed here.  Instead, we're getting just the facts about Flip Play McGee

Still, the questions came. 

Those ignorant assholes!  They should have just asked him how his swing felt.  That's what their readers wanted to hear about.

And to some degree Jeter did open up. He said that a lot of his career had become a job in the past year. 

Most pathetic and trite athlete appeal for sympathy ever.  "It's not fun anymore."  Fuck yourself with a wrench.  

Not the playing — he said he still likes coming to the ballpark and playing — 

Whew!  I was worried!

but meeting with the media. 

DIE.  As much as I despise the sports media, you'd better believe that if it meant I could play professional sports for a living, I would be happy to deal with their shit for an hour or two a day during the season and zero hours a day during the offseason.

Answering the increasing questions about how long he can go on. 

He's 40.  He hasn't been healthy and effective in 16 months.  What kinds of questions does the guy expect?

He also referred to the rehab from injuries like he endured last year.

From 1996 through 2012, he averaged 151 GP per year.  Lucky bastard.  

A couple of reporters asked Jeter if he was emotional about it. He sparred with them — “what, are you trying to get me to cry?” he joked. And there were no tears. 

WHAT A HERO. CAPTAIN CLUTCH STRIKES AGAIN.

Jeter referenced the fact that he has always hidden his emotions to some extent, but yes, he has them. He’s not going to be emotional about it now, however, as he still has a season in front of him. 

What a successful attention-seeking strategy.  Tell everyone that your career is ending soon.  Then remind them at every possible turn that it is not ending yet.  If anyone forgets to ask you about your reasons for retiring, remind them again that you're retiring soon.

”It’s not the end yet,” Jeter said.

Christ.  Fucking kill me now.  Seven more months of this shit.  I'd rather go through the Brett Favre saga again than watch MLB Network or Baseball Tonight at any point between now and October.

PS-Remember that one time Jeter dove into the stands after he caught a foul ball?  Greatest moment in American history.

PPS-Fuck Derek Jeter.

I have a Simmons post waiting in the wings, I promise

It'll be ready in a hot minute (or 24 hot hours). In the meantime, since I'm low on sleep and creativity, let's continue to beat this long-dead "ESPN is a fucking tabloid" horse into unrecognizable smithereens. I only write 1.5 posts a week and something from this topic area is usually one of them, true, but take a look at their front page news stories as of Tuesday night:

Five of those eleven stories can be best characterized as omgDRAMAwaittilyouhearTHIS. God only knows why they didn't have the Quinn/Tebow dogshit up there; probably because CBS or NBC owns GQ or something. Man, that list just blows my mind. As Jack M put it, that Lin/Humphries story is the Pentagon Papers of sports news, isn't it? Engaging. Captivating. Relevant to each and every American. (And yes, it is what you think: sound bites from Humphries explaining that Lin told him he's a good player and to ignore the thousands of fuckwits that boo him everywhere he goes.)

Meanwhile, in BizzaroBristol CBS, FOX/MSN, and CNNSI were rolling out a lineup that was actually mostly about sports. What a mindfuck.

By my count that's 26 of 33 headlines about actual, like, stuff, that's like, happening and kinda sorta matters. Who reads that shit? Stop teasing me with substantive news and give me the good shit. Has Jeremy Lin tweeted about Favre and A-Rod recently? Has LeBron tweeted anything about what Lin tweeted about Favre and A-Rod? Has Big Papi flipped his bat at spring training yet? TELL ME MORE ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT PITTSBURGH'S FAVORITE OAF/RAPIST IS GETTING CALLS FROM HIS NEW COORDINATOR IN MID FEBRUARY. IF THEY DON'T BUILD THAT RELATIONSHIP NOW HOW ARE THEY GOING TO WIN ANY PREPREPREPRESEASON GAMES?

My laziness and inability to write a quality post this week is eclipsed only by my disdain for everything that is ESPN. And do I visit ESPN.com several times a day? Of course I do. Because I'm a fucking sheep. Man, I hate everything right now.

UH OH! This literally worries me

If you're in the greater Jacksonville area tonight (and good gravy I hope you aren't because that's a shitty place to be), watch out for a flying Ron Jaworski. During the fourth quarter of tonight's broadcast he announced that he was

literally blown away (!!!)

by the play of rookie QBs this year. Then they went through a sequence of graphics that showed the stats accumulated by Andy Dalton, Christian Ponder, and Blaine Gabbert, and Ron was forced to admit that OK fine it's really just Dalton. Dalton's been good--good enough to cause a fat old man to go airborne? Apparently.

Also, left the TV on ESPN after the game and subjected myself to about eight minutes of Sportscenter before Stu Scott's vocal mannerisms caused me to turn it off. In those eight minutes I learned that Robert Smith's Heisman ballot (he actually has a vote, this isn't just a bit for the show) goes as follows:

1) Trent Richardson

2) Montee Ball

3) R. Griffin III

I guess that's what Andrew Luck gets for playing on the west coast and for not having any flashy wideouts (at least after Chris Owusu went down) who can catch 80 yard bombs and make him look super duper badass. Cue up Brent Musberger lamenting Luck's failure to "give us a Heisman moment!!!!!" But yeah, if he's not top three on your ballot... you and Robert Smith can go soak your heads together.

Grab bag post featuring an idiot, a complete dipshit, and a guy who won't stick to his guns

None deserve their own post. All deserve some ridicule.

First, you may not have heard, but Penn State had a pederast in their midst. Fortunately they dealt with the terrible situation swiftly and properly by contacting law enforcement. I think that's what happened anyways. Proving that he has his finger squarely on the throbbing pulse of America, Rick Reilly chimes in with an important message:

This is not about Joe Paterno.

No fucking motherfucking shit.

If these boys really were molested, groped and raped by a middle-aged ex-Penn State football coach, then whatever misjudgment Paterno made will be a single lit match compared to the bonfire these boys will walk in for years to come.

Many of them won't be able to trust. Won't be able to love. Won't be able to feel -- nor trust or love themselves.

Yes, everyone think of the children. And they already are. We don't need to be reminded of that in this situation; even the most callous or clueless person understands that the kids are the victims here. Paterno may be in the spotlight but it's for sensible reasons. He's the most powerful and visible person involved and the only one besides Sandusky who's nationally known. The fact that it's about the kids and not about Paterno doesn't mean the media is obligated to focus their attention on the kids or the crimes. That's an angle that's just too grisly and sad for a lot of people. The Paterno angle carries with it the possibility of some kind of justice, or at least so a lot of people will think. In short, it makes sense that a lot of the water cooler talk about this mess focuses on Paterno rather than the crimes/victims.

But of course that doesn't mean it's "about" him. The people who really do think this is about Paterno are mouth-breathing PSU alums or students who live for nothing but college football and could give a damn about anything else, including prevention of child rape. They probably (hopefully) make up less than one percent of the population.

Don't feel sorry for Paterno. He's had his life. Feel sorry for these boys, because they may never get one.

The people who feel sorry for Paterno are an even tinier subset of the tiny set of people who think this is about him. Those in that tiny subset are not worth addressing. They should be herded into a mine and sealed inside with concrete. I believe we have a label for articles like the one Rick wrote here. It should appear first in the list at the bottom of the post. He also threw this in, seemingly in an attempt to confuse me:

No, this isn't about 84-year-old Joe Paterno not taking more steps that might have stopped it. It's about everybody not taking more steps that might have stopped it. Not parents, not teachers, not uncles,

Uncles?

Enough of that uplifting story. Let's talk about Big League Stew. Yahoo's MLB blog is written by a mongoloid who goes by 'Duk and thinks that this is clever, useful analysis.

For the purposes of this post, let's say that I have just traded the ten-dollar bill that I just found on the ground for a fast-food meal at a chain burger joint.

It's nothing fancy, but it will get the job done. I hadn't eaten in days.

Furthermore, let's also suppose that I decide to walk home from the restaurant in an attempt to work off the caloric impact I have just foisted upon my system.

[two paragraphs spent extending this painful and worthless analogy snipped; don't worry, you don't need the full bit to appreciate how mind-numbingly stupid this is]

So I tell you that I'm perfectly willing to take your doggy bag if you don't want it. I might take it all the way home, but I might also throw it away. It doesn't matter, though, because you've already paid the bill. I'm on the hook for nothing.

I've also just perfectly described the strategy that Dayton Moore and the Kansas City Royals are taking in their attempts to resurrect a winner.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Finally, an article that's not truly abhorrent but just kind of bothered me as I read it because of Mark Schlabach's unwillingness to commit to his initial stance. It's a stance that I think is stupid and wrong but certainly defensible, and I'd like to see a capable writer like Schlabach fully support. Unfortunately he backpedals. Backpedals like a bitch.

LSU and Alabama are clearly the best two teams in the country and are head and shoulders above the rest. It's a shame they can't play each other again in the SEC championship game.

You want a plus-one playoff? Let the Tigers and Crimson Tide play three times this season, with the best-of-three winner claiming a national championship.

That's not how a plus one would work. Just nitpickin'.

LSU and Alabama are that much better than everyone else this season.

And we know that for sure, without any doubt; just ask an SEC fan.

If LSU wins out and wins the SEC West, critics will suggest Alabama shouldn't play for a national championship because it didn't win its conference. But when the dust settles on the college football season, the two best teams should play for a national championship, no matter the circumstances.

Strong stance. One that I think is dumb. Even if we could be sure that Alabama is better than Okie State or Stanford, Bama had its chance and blew it. If they were to rematch with LSU in the title game and win, it's kind of like... well, OK, we know both those teams are awesome and we know which was playing better in January. Can we say for sure that Bama was the best? I understand that you can never really say who the best of the best is unless they've all played each other, and a win by (not THE) OSU or Stanford over LSU doesn't forever end the debate. But to me, a rematch with a different outcome than the regular season matchup is wholly unsatisfying. And a rematch with the same result if/when OSU or Stanford was undefeated but got shut out of the title game feels even worse. I dunno, I just really don't want to see Bama play LSU again unless there are no other big conference undefeateds left.

History suggests that the odds of an LSU-Alabama rematch in the BCS title game are slim. After No. 1 Ohio State defeated No. 2 Michigan 42-39 in their 2006 regular-season finale, the Wolverines argued they deserved another chance at facing the Buckeyes in the BCS title game. But No. 3 Florida jumped the Wolverines in the final BCS standings, and the Gators routed Ohio State 41-14 in the BCS Championship Game.

Here's the difference, though: At the end of the 2006 regular season, you could argue that Florida was better than Michigan. But if Alabama wins out this season, you couldn't argue that another one-loss team -- or even undefeated Boise State -- is better than the Crimson Tide.

Sure you could. What if Stanford's only loss is by a field goal to Oregon in overtime? What if OSU's only loss is by a field goal to Oklahoma in overtime? There's definitely a debate to be had there.

Especially not after SEC teams won the past five BCS national championships.

Fucking SEC people. You cockswabbers, chanting your conference's name. GMAFB.

If Oklahoma State wins out, it will deserve a chance to play LSU for a national championship.

Wait, what?

The same goes for Stanford, if the Pokes slip up along the way.

OK. So that whole thing about Alabama clearly being the second best team out there, and them definitely deserving a rematch... tempered. Significantly tempered.

But if those two teams lose somewhere down the line, Alabama would be the most deserving team to play LSU for a national title.

And you just sucked all the controversy out of your article. That makes me angry because the ESPNiverse has trained me to zone out if a journalist isn't being intentionally contrarian or simply a straight-up asshole. Although you've let me down, Schlabach, you're still OK in my book. Just don't get my hopes up like that again.

Good to see that Sportscenter continues to have its priorities in order

Like Chris W says, fuck sports. I don't watch sports for the sports. I watch them for the sidestories and other assorted drama! Turned on Sportscenter this morning for no apparent fucking reason. After seeing the "up next" sidebar, decided to start timing the segments. Here are the results listed in the order in which the segments appeared.

WHO WILL SIGN TERRELL OWENS??? AMERICA NEEDS TO KNOW BECAUSE HE IS NOT AT ALL WASHED UP: 1:45

Cardinals/Phillies: 3:36 (about 1:00 of which was dedicated to the squirrel that ran on the field at one point, lol, animals doing stuff!!!!!)

Brewers/Diamondbacks: 1:57 (including Chris Berman calling Ryan Roberts' grand slam live, God, just shoot me in the fucking face)

Brett Favre/Aaron Rodgers "controversy": 3:27

At that point I was thinking that ESPN should go straight to hell. And then they totally redeemed themselves by letting Herm Edwards and Bobby Valentine yell at each other about whether baseball or football is better for 30 seconds. Then they topped that by having Tim Kurkjian do a 45 second tongue in cheek report about various times throughout baseball history squirrels have run on the field. Best line: "This is the first time a squirrel has run on the field during two consecutive postseason games since 1920." Thanks Tim.

I Still Watch Sportscenter, for Some Reason

And in the span of about five minutes just now, I heard two things which undoubtedly made me and everyone else watching stupider.

In a "4 Downs" Q & A segment (because we can't just ask people questions... we need some kind of contrived setup or backdrop for the questions, which takes a sports theme), Craig James was asked the following:

Is this the year that the Heisman Trophy goes to the best player in the country, not just a hyped skill player on a highly ranked team?

A decent question. Craig, your thoughts?

Yes, I think so.

Awesome. Like who?

That's why I like Mark Ingram from Alabama.

What. The fuck. COME ON. I'm not saying Ingram isn't good- he's awesome. But Jesus, Craig- listen to the fucking question, OK? Does he not know that running back is a "skill position?" Does he not know Alabama is undefeated and ranked #2? Does he not know that Ingram is at least "hyped" at this point, if not maybe a tiny bit overhyped? Was he talking about a different Mark Ingram from Alabama? And just to make things even worse, village idiot Mark May then had to go and do something reasonable and talk about relatively unheralded Nebraska DL Ndamakong Suh. I hate "4 Downs," although it's better than the "Cold Hard 6 Pack of Coors Light Cold Hard Facts brought to you by Geico."

Maybe 120 seconds later, Tim Kirkjuan narrated a taped segment about baseball's free agent period. This wasn't a lightly-scripted in studio interview; this was a piece that was recorded well before the show, as Tim read off a script. That was presumably reviewed by a production editor before it was used. Hmmm, let's kick off the segment with an analogy. Tim?

At midnight tonight, baseball's equivalent to March Madness begins.

March Madness is an end of the year tournament, featuring games played on the court (the football court by football players) among teams which have had set rosters for the previous five months. Baseball's free agent signing period is a contract negotiation window, featuring absolutely no games played on the field but rather players bouncing around from team to team. Come on, Tim.

And sadly, as I type this, I'm still watching Sportscenter. Sigh. Currently up for debate: should LeBron tone down the ferocity of his dunks? AMERICA NEEDS TO KNOW.

Now Here's an ESPN "Conversation" Featured Comment We Can All Actually Enjoy

(Sorry, my posting will be sporadic for the next couple weeks as I am in the process of moving... again. This will be my fifth time in the last two years, but hopefully the last time for the next three years. ANYWAYS, let's get to the joke.)

Re: an article about Chad Johnson's recent injury, WWWBUKTN says:

Maybe he will have to change his name to 'Oucho Cinco.'

Savor this one, folks. It's all downhill from here.

WMTMQR: Gregg Easterbrook Is Still Very Wrong About Clock Management

I haven't done a WMTMQR in a while because Easterbrook has somewhat cleaned up his act recently. This has probably happened because he reads my scathing commentary and takes it to heart. But he tried to sneak a couple giant slices of crap pie into this week's column, so I might as well complain about them.

In other football news, would New England actually be better off losing Sunday against Jersey/B? If the Patriots beat the Jets, they lock in the No. 1 seed and home-field advantage throughout the postseason. Then, with two meaningless regular-season outings and a bye week, a full month will pass until Jan. 12, the earliest date the Flying Elvii could appear in another game that counts. Consider New England's last three regular-season opponents: the 3-10 Jets, the 0-13 Dolphins and a Giants squad that might be resting starters. Even the mad-at-the-world Pats could have trouble maintaining focus for an entire meaningless month. Meanwhile, Dallas is in almost the same situation as New England. With effectively a two-game lead over Green Bay -- owing to beating the Pack head-to-head -- through the final three weeks, the Cowboys need only a combination of Dallas wins and Green Bay losses that adds up to two to lock up home-field advantage in the NFC. Thus, Boys faithful actually might root for Green Bay to beat St. Louis on Sunday -- otherwise it's possible the Boys could lock up the top seed this weekend, and face a meaningless month of their own.

Oh yeah, definitely. I think think both of these teams should intentionally lose their next two games and hope Indy and Green Bay win both of theirs. That way, the Cowboys and Pats will have something at stake during week 17. That's a great strategy. No way that could possibly blow up in their faces. Or maybe Gregg is saying they should just lose this weekend, and then win to wrap up home field in week 16. Because, you know, a three week layoff from "meaningful" games is totally different than a 4 week layoff. Someone get this man a head coaching position.

It's been mentioned by commenters here before: do the "stats of the week" really add to anyone's enjoyment or understanding of football? Below, I have added a made up stat about my own life that I consider to be equally as interesting as what Gregg offers.

Stat of the Week No. 3: Since taking the field for their final playoff appearances last season, a combined 28-6 at that point, the Bears and Ravens are a combined 9-19.

Stat of Larry B's Week No. 1: Since choosing the fastest checkout lane at the supermarket twelve out of a possible fifteen times during a stretch that ended last January, Larry has chosen the fastest lane only two out of thirteen times.

Stat of the Week No. 6: Kansas City was outrushed by 199 yards.

Stat of Larry B's Week No. 2: Larry parallel parked his car four times.

Stat of the Week No. 8: In high school, college and now the pros, Derek Anderson is 3-1 as a starter against Kellen Clemens.

Stat of Larry B's Week No. 3: Including high school, college, and now post-college, Larry is 23-18 in pickup football games against Chris Hart.

Stat of the Week No. 9: At the end of the Cleveland-Jersey/B game, the Jets attempted three onside kicks in less than three minutes.

Stat of Larry B's Week No. 4: On Friday, Larry attempted to complete five transactions at the bank during their last seven minutes of business.

Tell me mine aren't better.

Sweet Special-Teams Plays of the Week: Trailing 17-3 with 10 minutes remaining, San Diego punted on fourth-and-29 at the Tennessee 40. Chargers special-teamers downed the ball at the Titans' 1, then the defense forced a three-and-out. Quick San Diego touchdown, and suddenly it's a game.

Although I will concede that converting a 4th and 29 is next to impossible, I can't count the number of times Gregg has bitched about teams punting from their opponent's territory while trailing in the 4th quarter. Now it's suddenly a good thing, as long as the team that does it subsequently forces a 3 and out. Had the Titans somehow put together a game icing field goal drive after this punt, I'm reasonably confident Easterbrook would have made some dumb point about how no matter the distance, punting in the 4th when you're trailing and in your opponent's territory is always bad.

Yes, I'm nitpicking. It's what we do here.

Dallas has reached the Detroit 16 with 22 seconds showing on the clock. To that point in the game, Boys tight end Jason Witten had 14 receptions for 122 yards. This is what is called "a clue."

What does that even mean? As if the Cowboys didn't have anyone else to throw to on that play. Assuming Marion Barber was in the game, he had 10 catches for 61 yards including an 8 yard touchdown at the end of the 1st half. Maybe that was "a clue." T.O. also has 74 catches for 1270 yards and 14 TDs on the season. That could have been "a clue" as well. Yeah, Witten was getting thrown to a lot during that particular game. That still doesn't guarantee shit on any one given play.

As the Cowboys broke the huddle, TMQ said aloud, "Maybe it's to Witten."

Easy there, Nostradamus. You had a one in five chance. And you didn't even say you knew for sure; you went with "maybe."

Moving on, I hadn't seen this particular demonstration of idiocy out of Gregg in a couple of months. But apparently old habits die hard.

TMQ's Law of the Obvious holds: Sometimes, all a team needs to do is run up the middle for no gain and things will be fine. Leading San Diego 17-10, host Tennessee faced third-and-4 on the Chargers' 46 with 2:37 remaining and San Diego down to one timeout. Run, grind the clock! Instead, incompletion, and San Diego scores to force overtime with nine seconds remaining. Had the Flaming Thumbtacks simply rushed up the middle for no gain, keeping the clock moving, the Chargers would have run out of time.

No. That is wrong. You can't say that with any certainty at all. You have no idea what would have happened if the Titans ran there. None. You have no idea how San Diego's play calling would have changed on their possession if they had 37 fewer seconds to work with. BOOOOOOO.

When Roger Goodell fined the Patriots a first-round choice in the Beli-Cheat scandal, it was New England's first-rounder, not the San Francisco choice acquired in trade, that Goodell voided. Belichick obtained San Francisco's first choice fair and square, and his decision to bank that choice reflects the wise husbandry New England has shown consistently under current management. Still, if the Patriots win the Super Bowl, then go second in the 2008 draft after Goodell publicly imposed what sounded like a harsh draft penalty, the situation will seem rigged, even if it isn't.

I hate the Patriots as much as anyone, but what the hell is the point of this? That's the item's conclusion: The Patriots have lost their own 1st rounder this April, but still possess another team's 1st rounder, which will probably be a top 5 pick. Even though there is nothing shady about this, it seems shady. What?

At the endgame, Washington led 24-13 and Chicago faced fourth-and-goal on the Redskins' 4 with 34 seconds remaining, holding a timeout. The Bears' faint hope was a touchdown and a two-point play and a field goal, wrapped around a recovered onside kick. Sure, that hope is faint, but to have any chance at all, Chicago needed to try for the touchdown first. Assume the onside kick will be recovered and the deuce will work. At the 34-second mark, the Bears were just 4 yards from a touchdown. If they go for the touchdown here, they need to gain 4 yards and -- after the deuce and the recovered onside, likely to be recovered just on their side of midfield -- will need to gain about 25 yards to attempt the field goal that forces overtime. Thus, Chicago needs about 30 offensive yards, plus success with the deuce and the onside, of course. If, on the other hand, the Bears take the field goal here, they must score a touchdown after the onside and will need to gain about 55 offensive yards to do so. So to keep the faint hope of victory aflame, the team should go for the touchdown first in this situation because it already is close to the goal line and, if successful with the onside, can launch the field goal try for long distance. Yet Lovie Smith ordered the field goal first. When this happens, it is fairly obvious the coach is not going all out to try to win but rather is taking the easy three points to make the final score more respectable and deflect criticism. (Washington got the onside.)

I agree that kicking there was probably bad strategy. I would have elected to go for the TD in that situation. But it's not like Smith's decision is completely indefensible. To accuse him of not really trying to win is laughable. I mean, let me play devil's advocate. Easterbrook's claim about the yards the Bears needed in each hypothetical situation was correct, but didn't factor in the number of plays the team would get in order to gain said yards. Had they recovered the onside after kicking the field goal, they would have had probably about three or four plays (maybe five) to get the 55 yards needed for the tying TD. That's pretty unlikely but not impossible. Sure, had they instead gone for it on 4th and gotten the touchdown, they would have had three or four plays to get a mere 25/30 yards needed for the tying field goal. But that opportunity only arrives after putting the entire game on the line for four yards on one play against a compressed defense. Failure, obviously, would have ended everything before an onside attempt even becomes part of the equation. So although I disagree with the decision, I can definitely see why Smith chose to kick. TMQ just loves implying that coaches care more about the margin of victory than their won-loss record; he's done it many times before this. It's pretty comical. When he's being evaluated by his owner/GM at the end of a failed season, what coach actually gets points for saying "Well, I went 5-11 this year, but nine of those losses were by single digits!" That's ridiculous and does not happen. Coaches are judged first and foremost on Ws and Ls. To imply anything else is WRONG. There is absolutely a 0% chance that Smith sent in his field goal team with any thought in mind other than "I think this gives us the best chance to win." Zero.

Speaking of WRONG, I think I'll wrap this up and attach the labels. And speaking of labels, don't you all love the kooky and zany labels we sometimes use here at FireJay? They're soooooooo silly! We can't quite match up with the juggernauts of the absurd label world like Kissing Suzy Kolber, but I think we do alright for ourselves. I think for this post I'll re-use a couple of the wackiest ones we've already got, just for the hell of it. Get ready to laugh at something that's not really overly funny!

Okay Larry you got your Wish

There are four guys involved with professional sports I wouldn't mind seeing as a quadriplegic for the rest of their lives, spending the rest of their miserable days shitting themselves, unable to even twitch a finger. The list includes:

1. Barry Bonds
2. Tom Brady
3. Ray Lewis
4. Skip Bayless

Note there's only one sports journalist (I use the term liberally) on my list. I really, really hate about 90% of sports media, but not enough to wish pain and suffering upon them. Bayless is the obvious exception. larry b left this comment on the last post:

skip bayless really gets too much of a free pass here at firejay. i need to crack down on him a little bit. the problem is ESPN doesnt let him near a keyboard anymore, so in order to do this "cracking down", i'm going to have to watch first and 10. ugh. i'll consider it.

That's right: the website that still lets people like Jerry Crasnik and Jemele Hill write for them took away Bayless' column. That's like being kicked out of the special olympics because "sorry , you're just a little too retarded"

Now that his inconsistant, rampling, half-brained trolling isn't in written form anymore, it's like 100 times more difficult to make fun of him. It requires a DVR, and anybody who has comcast knows how godawful those pieces of shit are. But I'm gonna make the effort from here on out: SKIP BAYLESS YOU ARE A MARKED MAN.

Today's "First and Ten" was ripe with fodder to make fun of. He started out by saying that the Mets lost to the Marlins because The Philles have a "mental stanglehold over the Mets." I don't even need to make a clever remark, because what he says is so obviously, painfully stupid. That's the best part about writing about Bayless. Just quote him, baby. No need for well though out counter points. Just jokes about how he's retarded, and you wished he was dead. Better not go to Texas after trash talking the Coyboys Skip. They have no problem finishing off the mentally challenged.

Anyways, on to Skip's NFL picks for this weekend of marquee games (marquee because they involve teams from New York or Boston)

-Picked the Packers over the Chargers. He's not sure the Chargers “know who or what they are under their new coach norv turner.” Also he's not a big fan of Turner.

-Picked the Patriots over the Bills, but no way will they cover the spread. Because “after getting so high for San Diego, surely NE will have just a little bit of a letdown for this game.”

-Picks the Redskins over the Giants, but this one will also be a squeaker, because “it's so difficult to get high for a Monday Night Game.”

Welp that's it. Expect more Skip Bayless over here at firejay from now on, because it has to be done, dammit.

gene wojciechowski made 100 predictions in an article about the upcoming NFL season published last week

let's see how many of them are already wrong, or are almost certainly going to be wrong! i know i pick on gene an awful lot these days, but i can't help myself. espn constantly puts up links to columns like this one on their front page. if they're going to keep repping him like that, i'm going to keep complaining about him and his bad jokes/analysis. it's just what i do because i am basically an angry old man at age 23.

this is going to end up being pretty long, but don't let that deter you from reading it. there's no boring overarching concept you need to follow. just a bunch of small, unrelated, pithy bullet points. let's dive right in:

-If Donovan McNabb's surgically repaired right knee holds up, the Philadelphia Eagles will be the last remaining undefeated team.

oops! just for the record and to eliminate gene's no-injury condition, mcnabb took every snap at QB for the eagles in sunday's loss to the packers. the only way gene could have been more wrong here is if the league had switched the scheduling of that game with the saints vs. colts contest so the eagles could have lost on thursday night.

-I still think the Dallas Cowboys could have done better than Wade Phillips as their new head coach. That said, Phillips will do what Bill Parcells couldn't do with the Cowboys' 3-4 alignment: tweak it enough so Dallas finishes higher than 13th in total defense.

i have no problem with that first sentence. gene is spot-on there. as for the second sentence? well, after surrendering 438 yards to a giants team that was so-so on offense in 2006 (and didn't add any major pieces while also losing tiki barber), america's team is already firmly planted in the bottom 5. mwah mwah. i know it's a long season but things aren't looking good, particularly in the secondary.

-Everybody keeps saying Rex Grossman is the key to the Chicago Bears' season. Nuh, uh. Grossman will be fine. No way does he throw another 20 interceptions or slop around with a 54.6 percent completion rate. Nope, the guy who absolutely has to deliver the goods is running back Cedric Benson.

this is fine. grossman looked servicable against a tough san diego D on sunday, and i think it's very fair to say benson is key to chicago's success now that thomas jones is gone. so why am i copy/pasting this? because the next item on gene's list says:

-He will.

42 yards on 19 carries and a fumble. again, san diego is tough on D. and it's just one game. but... let's just say that based on almost everything benson has done since coming into the league, gene is already well on his way to being wrong. unless "deliver the goods" now means "be kind of capable and maybe end up with 1,000 yards."

-What do quarterbacks JaMarcus Russell and Michael Vick have in common? They both won't play in 2007.

thanks for the bold prediction about vick, there, gene. as for russell? well, he just signed his deal. and the raiders just got beat at home by the lions. by 15. and their top 2 QBs are josh mccown and dante culpepper. if anyone in their front office has half a brain, is there any reason whatsoever why russell won't at least be seeing a handful of snaps per game by november? if i were to ask this question of gene, his answer would probably be "but mike vick got in trouble for dogfighting."

-This will be the year new Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry scores more on the field than off it. For the first time in four seasons, he'll finally have more touchdowns (let's say, 12-14) than kids (9).

there's nothing crazy about that prediction. i'm just counting it as wrong because the joke kind of sucks. but can gene do worse? you'd better believe it.

-If sentenced to prison, Michael Vick will not be allowed to order Direct TV's NFL Sunday Ticket package.

i don't even think carson daly would allow himself to be caught telling that.

-Titans running back LenDale White can't screw it up two years in a row, can he? Nope. He'll get his act together. If he doesn't, you won't remember the Titans this year.

wojciechowski must've hired gene shalit to write that one. wojo's way too "dumb & dumber" to come up with something that tepidly clever.

-Another Chicago Bear will do something stupid at 3 a.m. (park his Ferrari on top of the Sears Tower ... try a swim move on a cop ... attempt to buy North Korean nuclear launch codes), and yet head coach Lovie Smith will bristle when reporters ask him if alcohol was involved.

apparently cars on top of buildings (what?), attempting to avoid arrest, and buying missile launch codes are now comedic situations. is anyone from england reading this? did gene get these ideas from you guys? not that i'm knocking british comedy, i'm just saying sometimes it's a little... weird... and maybe gene tried to work a perversion of something you guys came up with into his column. looking for answers, that's all.

-You will do very well in your fantasy league if you stole one of these three players in the later rounds: Chargers WR Vincent Jackson, Patriots WR Wes Welker, or Redskins QB Jason Campbell.

you will do very well in your fantasy league if you drafted a solid team top-to-bottom and manage to avoid injuries. none of those players will make or break your team. none of them. call me out if you disagree.

later, from the department of alarming self-contradiciton:

-If one AFC team is going to shock the world, it's going to be ... the Steelers. They could be 4-0 going into October. They also get their bye week just before they have to go to Denver and then Cincinnati. Granted, December won't be fun (Cincy, at New England, Jacksonville, at St. Louis, at Baltimore), but there's still enough talent on this team to cause Terrible Towel sales to jump.

very reasonable. i don't mind that analysis. gene should have quit while he was ahead, though. he wants to make a back up prediction as well. uh-oh.

-Runner-up: the Titans. VY makes the impossible possible.

this was item #55 on the list. about 4 inches up the page, this was item #61:

-And the Titans will still struggle to reach .500.

look, it's bad enough that this guy gets paid to write about sports. the least his employer can do is hire a decent editor to stop him from embarrassing himself. sheesh.

-Team with best chance to go winless: Falcons.

the falcons won 7 games last year. they lost vick but replaced him with joey harrington, who sucks but can at least stumble his way through a decent game from time to time. the raiders won 2 games last year. they lost randy moss, didn't really add anyone who can help in 2007, and play in a far tougher division and conference. am i missing something here?

-The AFC wild-card teams will be the Bengals and Jaguars.

-Last AFC team eliminated from playoff mix: Broncos.

official declaration: i (larry b) will personally eat 1 (one) hat (of my own choosing, options may include but are not limited to: baseball hats, ski hats, top hats, cowboy hats, oversized foam cowboy hats) if the jacksonville jaguars make the 2007 national football league playoffs and the denver broncos do not. i'm biased because i'm a broncos fan, but seriously: that's. not. happening. especially the denver part.

-If the Colts scuffle, it won't be because of rookie left tackle Tony Ugoh. I'd be more worried about the Colts' defense than Ugoh.

i think the word you were looking for there, gene, was "stumble." yes, if the colts "stumble," it will be for reason A and not reason B. was that it? you didn't want to use a synonym for fighting, but rather a synonym for having difficulty succeeding. right? i thought so. that's ok, you're only a professional journalist who is presumably fluent in the english language. don't worry about it.

-The best thing about the Raiders will be their unis. And Asomugha.

no explanation here for the asomugha inclusion. does gene think he'll have a particularly awesome season? or does he just like the word "asomugha" and the way it sounds when you say it with a mouth full of saltines? who knows.

-The worst thing about the Chargers is that they can't wear those powder-blues every week.

and their subpar WR corps. (except for my buddy rhema mcknight, who is on the practice squad. i am flagrantly name dropping him at this time.)

-I used to think Los Angeles would get an NFL franchise sooner rather than later. Now it's looking like the reverse is true. We're going on Season 13 without an NFL presence in the nation's second-largest market.

not a prediction, just a general observation and a stat. therefore, wrong.

-Chic 2007 NFC pick San Francisco isn't ready yet. Let the 49ers finish .500 or better (and they haven't done that since 2002) before we start crowning them.

what? are you serious? i know a lot of people are saying this could be the year san fran jumps from kind of crappy to kind of good and challenges for a playoff spot. but gene uses the phrases "2007 NFC pick" and "crowning them," as in, things you would say about a team that goes to the super bowl. absolutely no one is saying the niners are going to win the conference. no one. is gene trying to make a bold prediction out of a gigantic straw man? sure looks like it.

-Chargers general manager A.J. Smith won't be able to blame Marty Schottenheimer if San Diego doesn't reach the AFC Championship this year. According to Sports Illustrated's player rankings, new coach Norv Turner has the No. 1 running back in the game (Tomlinson), the No. 2 linebacker (Merriman), the No. 1 tight end (Antonio Gates), the No. 2 defensive tackle (Jamal Williams), the No. 3 offensive tackle (Marcus McNeill) and the No. 5 offensive guard (Kris Dielman).

that's right, the chargers have some awesome players. so on an unrelated note, if they don't reach the AFC championship, there's no way they can blame marty schottenheimer. because he's not coaching the team anymore. (hint, gene: you just named the guy who is san diego's head coach/blame taker in that very paragraph! get back to me if you want to change that first sentence.)

-Week 1 Mini-upset Special: Baltimore over Cincy at Cincy (ESPN, Monday, 7 p.m. ET).

close but no cigar. although that offensive PI call on todd heap during the potential game tying touchdown was pretty atrocious.

-Of the six new head coaches in the league, Arizona's Ken Whisenhunt will have the most impact on his team's record.

not saying this is wrong. but it can be measured... how?

-Philly's no-name WRs Kevin Curtis and Reggie Brown will surprise you with their production.

surprise me how? by being even worse than i expect? by being significantly better? by also playing defense and each recording double digit sacks? what if their mothers are reading this- would mrs. curtis and mrs. brown truly be surprised if their sons went off and had pro bowl caliber seasons? ok, i need to stop with the rhetorical questions, i'm getting a little simmonsish here. (ps- are you as excited as i am to read about the celtics twice a month all winter/spring? i'd say their upcoming season rates as an 8 on the potentially-exciting-but-also-potentially-stomach-punchish-while-still-being-unintentionally-hilarious scale.)

-He isn't Randy Moss (the guy Favre desperately wanted the Packers to sign during the offseason), but rookie WR James Jones of San Jose State will become one of No. 4's favorites.

considering there are usually only about 5 WRs and 1 pass catching TE on a team, i sure hope jones becomes "one of" favre's favorites. if he doesn't, there's probably a serious chemistry issue there.

-I'll do better than the 53 percent I got right last year.

great conclusion. and by my count, you're already almost half way to being wrong about that! keep up the good work, gene.

Isn't there something else they could be showing?

ESPN2, at this very second, is showing The Little League Softball World Series. Coooooommmme on. Nobody can seriously be wanting to watch this besides

a) These girls' families

and

b) pedophiles

It's bad enough watching college softball, but this shit is ridiculous. I've seen three runs scored in the last five minutes entirely on soft grounders and throwing errors. I'll bet these poor little girls would rather be playing beauty shop than trying to please their fathers: men who certainly curse God every day because they hadn't been able to get a single Y chromosome sperm to score a touchdown.

It reminds me of how Chris Hart explains why the WNBA has been a failure: "If I wanted to see bounce passes and layups, I'd go watch a middle school basketball game"