Irony alert

We have a new definition for irony- "unfortunate, but moderately anticipated." Take it away, Jon Paul Morosi (MORE LIKE MORONSI) and sound byte artist Ryan Howard:

The Philadelphia Phillies are supposed to win the World Series. They have the Roys. They have Cliff. They have Cole. They just have to stay healthy.

Well here we are, still a week shy of St. Patrick’s Day, talking about how the Phillies can’t seem to stay healthy.

Ironic, don’t you think?

“I would guess so,” slugger Ryan Howard said with a rueful smile.

I would guess not. Both of you: get fucked.

Also fuck the Phillies and their fffffans in the fffffffface. What? Having a team where nearly every single major contributor (C, 1B, 2B, SS, 3B, LF, CF, SP, SP, SP, CL) is over 30 (really the only exception is Cole Hamels) ISN'T always such a great idea? Color me shocked! Of course, it's worth noting that Jimmy Rollins, Ryan Howard, and Brad Lidge don't suck because they're over 30. They suck because they fucking suck and were terribly overrated to begin with.

Enjoy your 84 win season, Philadelphia.

The Phillies Will Pay Ryan Howard $25 MM Per Year During His Age 34, 35, and 36 Seasons

(Apologies to the three of you who read this shitty blog via RSS feed. This is a repost, because some of the HTML in the old version of the post got messed up when I tried to edit something. Since I know nothing about HTML, I figured the best solution was to burn the whole thing to the ground and start over. ANYWAYS- the Phillies will Howard an awful lot of money when he's 34, 35, and 36, and....)

That's kind of dumb. It's roughly what A-Rod (by which I mean PAY-Rod, GAY-Rod, A-ROID, and FISH FILLET-Rod) is making at that age, but 1) A-Rod is the better player 2) A-Rod plays a more valuable position 3) A-Rod keeps himself in peak physical condition and 4) the Phillies aren't the Yankees. With slight modifications, similar arguments apply to the massive contracts currently held by Mark Teixeira (also a 1B, obviously) and Matt Holliday (not a Yankee, obviously). Except for Alfonso Soriano, who holds the worst contract in baseball right now- yes that's right I went out on a limb and said it- no other hitter in the game holds a contract that will pay them that kind of money at that age (Miguel Cabrera and Joe Mauer will be younger during the tail end of the deals they recently signed). It's simply way too much to invest in an aging 1st baseman. Jon Heyman- your poorly formulated thoughts?

Howard's contributions can be overlooked at times because of the overwhelming presence of Pujols, who's clearly the best player in the National League,

Look, I'm pretty sure Ryan Howard is neither overrated nor underrated but properly rated. If anyone's overlooking his contributions, which I don't think anyone in the national media is, it's not because of Pujols. It's because Howard isn't even the most valuable hitter on his own team.

and also because Howard is only part of a fabulous nucleus in Philly that includes Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley and Jayson Werth.

Unlike Howard, Jimmy Rollins might be the most overrated player in all of baseball right now. If I hear one more announcer or talking head start blabbing about what a SPARKPLUG Rollins is, or how he's Philly's EMOTIONAL LEADER, I'm going to be sick. He's a leadoff hitter with a career .330 OBP. His power is overrated (career best HR totals: 30, 25, 21, 14, 14, 12), his defense is overrated, everything about him is overrated. Wait- what were we talking about again? Oh yeah. So throw Rollins out of that group. But Utley is by far more valuable than Howard, and if Werth backs up his strong 2009 with a strong 2010, you could make an argument that he's more valuable too. So that's just one reason you might not want to pay Ryan Howard $25 MM during his age 36 season; even now, he's not the most valuable hitter on your team.

Howard does have a few negatives, such as his high strikeout totals (an average of 189 the past four seasons),

Kind of a big deal, especially when you're hitting cleanup.

his weakness against left-handed pitchers (last year his OPS was 1.088 vs. right-handers vs .653 vs. lefties),

Definitely a big deal.

his age (30) and the possibility he'll decline during the contract as he gets older.

Oh, the "possibility?" You think he might not hit as well at age 36 as he did at ages 25, 30, or even 32? A bold prediction, Jon. You truly have the wisdom of King Solomon.

But the belief among skeptics of the deal that this was an obvious overpay isn't reflected one bit among baseball people.

Isn't reflected among stupid baseball people.

In fact, a few inside the game remarked that the package was strong though not unreasonably so and one actually opined that it was light.

That guy probably works for another NL East team, and was being sarcastic.

I agree with the prominent competing agent who said, "The $25 million AAV (average annual value) reflects fair market value.''

Oh wow, can you believe it? An agent (who probably represents Adrian Gonzalez, or Pujols, or Prince Fielder) thinks this was a fair deal! COLOR ME SHOCKED. I can't believe it. If you want to evaluate the reasonableness of a contract that will pay a fat first baseman $25 MM when he's 36, that's who you should go to for objectivity- an agent. Well done, Jon. And look, it really doesn't reflect market value. Take Yankees out of the picture, and the contract is one of a kind. Cabrera isn't locked up at that age via his deal. Mauer is, but he's a catcher for the time being. Todd Helton is just now finishing up a contract that certainly paid him too much at those ages, but that was signed in 2001 when money was a little looser. The Rockies (and any team not called the Yankees) won't soon be offering that kind of deal again. The best bet for a current comp to Howard's deal is Holliday's, but it's for less money and at least he plays in the OF (and plays it pretty well). There really isn't a market for fat non-Yankee 34, 35 and 36 year old first basemen. This deal just set it.

As boring as it sounds, it was a good deal for both sides.

Well, it's definitely a good deal for Howard.

There are those suggesting Howard won't be the player at the end of the deal, when he'll be 36, that he is now, and that isn't an unreasonable prediction.

Actually, those people are exactly right unless Howard takes steroids and turns into Barry Bonds. Also- nice sentence, asshole.

But A-Rod, for example, will be 42 when his contract will be up,

I already addressed this. Better player. Different position. More likely to age well. Most importantly, money coming from Yankee coffers.

and besides, that guess can be made about many long-term deals. One GM said five years isn't outrageous at all and actually praised Howard for not being greedy and insisting on seven or eight.

Look, Howard could have done that. And the smart thing for the Phillies to do (and what they should have done here) would be to tell Howard to pound sand. Some other idiot team can overpay him when he hits the FA market after next season. That's the dumbest part about this whole thing, really- the Phillies overpaid Howard a full 18 months before he would have hit free agency. Do they understand what leverage is? You overpay someone when you absolutely need them signed right then. You do not overpay someone when you're already in control of their services for their next 1200 at bats.

That Howard received $2 million more than Teixeira also seems about right under the circumstances.

It doesn't.

Teixeira has a more diverse set of skills,

He's a switch hitter. He hits for both average and power. He plays great defense. All reasons he's more valuable.

is slightly younger and signed in New York as a free agent, but he couldn't make a case that he has the same offensive impact as Howard, a classic slugger.

Yes, Howard piles up the HRs and RBIs better than Teixeira does. That certainly makes him a better fantasy player, but I don't think it speaks to his actual value very well considering his home park. Yankee Stadium may have a short RF porch, but Citizens Bank Park is a fucking joke from foul pole to foul pole. I hope that place burns to the ground tonight. Omar Vizquel could hit 15 HRs this season if he were to start for the Phillies. But there's no way that could happen, because the Phillies already have the best SPARKPLUG OF AN EMOTIONAL LEADER in the game at shortstop.

But here are a few more reasons Howard is worth this investment:

1) He's showed his value by finishing first, fifth, second and third in MVP voting the last four years.

Haha, this is great. Let's see- dipshit MVP voters like Jon Heyman have given Howard a lot of MVP votes. Therefore, dipshit writers like Jon Heyman can cite those votes as a reason to pay Howard $25 MM a season when he's 34, 35, and 36. What a nifty, convenient system.

There is a group of numbers people who think these finishes don't count, but there is no reason to think Howard was vastly overvalued in the voting.

No one thinks Howard is a bad player. No one thinks he isn't one of the best power hitters in MLB. And pretty much no one except Cardinals fans wouldn't want to have Howard on their team. But not at that price, at that age.

2) He also has averaged 49.5 home runs and 143 RBIs over the past four years, far more than anyone else.

OK, again, time for some perspective. He's a great hitter and produces a lot of runs. He's just not worth that amount of money at that age. Also- Phillies lineup + Citizens Bank Park + batting behind Utley = tons of RBIs. But I'm not significantly more impressed with his 143 average than with, say, Lance Berkman's average of 106 over the same span.

Everyone agrees that home runs are an important stat, but to those who believe RBIs are only a reflection of one's teammates, and thus pure luck, here are the top five RBI leaders since 1900: Hank Aaron, Babe Ruth, Barry Bonds, Lou Gehrig and Stan Musial. Five very lucky fellows.

Whoa! Watch out for that straw man! Better tear it down and burn it- make sure it can't hurt anyone. Give me a fucking break. No one with a brain says RBIs are "pure luck." We don't need to get into this. It's like when Joe Morgan waxes poetic about how no one respects stolen bases anymore. Plenty of people respect them- they're just not foolishly overvalued like they used to be.

3) It isn't unreasonable to suggest Howard might decline during his extension.

This is a separate thought, and doesn't belong on a list of reasons Howard is worth what the Phillies will end up paying him.

As a matter of logic, he probably will.

As long as he's not Barry Bonds, he definitely will.

But the evidence isn't strong that he's declining yet, (his 2009 slugging percentage of .571 wasn't significantly different from his .582 career mark), and even if he does suffer a slight drop off, it's from a tremendous height (his 198 home runs over the past four years are 29 more than everyone else).

Right. He's not declining yet. Because he's only 30. This contract doesn't even start until 2012. And it will comically overpay him in 2014, 2015, and 2016. Odds that he's still slugging anything in the neighborhood of .580 then: poor. You know, everyone is saying that the world is going to run out of crude oil at some point, but I went to the gas station yesterday and filled up my car. Therefore: we probably will never run out of crude oil.

Plus, he's shown he's serious about his game and his body. He has lost an estimated 30 pounds and remarkably turned himself into at least an average defensive first baseman from something a lot less than that. So in that way, he's actually on the rise.

On the rise and about to crash into his very low (for a pro athlete) athleticism ceiling.

4) He's a winner and a major part of one of the strongest lineups in baseball. Why mess with a good thing?

Awesome point. You're a fucking idiot.

5) The market could explode.

It won't. If Adrian Gonzalez or Prince Fielder hit the FA market after 2011 and sign contracts that pay them this kind of money when they're 34, 35, and 36, I'll eat my oversized foam cowboy hat.

The economy is improving, baseball is doing great and the appetite for superstars on the free-agent market is always strong, even in down times like the past couple years. "You can't really pinpoint what these guys could be getting on the open market,'' Boggs said, honestly.

Boggs is John Boggs, Gonzalez's agent. HMMMMMM. You think he likes the deal Howard got? In conclusion, don't ever let Jon Heyman run your baseball team.

The Meaning of "Swag"

Yikes, this is stupid.

Ryan Fagan becomes the latest dumbass to invent nonsense to explain winning.

Comeback? Never a doubt in Phillies' minds
Defending champions have swag to go along with roster full of talent

Oh yeah? Well the Dodgers have flog. Boatloads of flog. It is my hypothesis that....

Dodger flog > Phillies swag.

Go ahead, prove me wrong.

PHILADELPHIA - A baseball lifetime ago, Jimmy Rollins was sitting in the visitors' clubhouse in St. Louis talking about what his Phillies needed.

I'm guessing it doesn't have anything to do with starting pitching. Cause hey! Guess which problem got fixed?

This was long before Rollins delivered the two-out, game-winning double Monday night, the extra-base hit that lifted his Phillies to a 5-4 victory over the Dodgers and put them a win away from the opportunity to defend their World Series championship. No, the Jimmy Rollins in the visitors' clubhouse on that sweltering August day in St. Louis had just three playoff games under his belt — all losses, to the Rockies the year before — but a firm grasp of what he considered the essential element to winning in the postseason.

Flog?

Swag.

Jimmy, you had it all wrong. That's why you hadn't won any playoff games yet.

Yep, swag. Confidence. A belief in yourself and your teammates.

At least you finally defined it.

Rollins knew his team had the talent. They needed swag.

"Rollins knew his team had talent" is "a belief in himself and his teammates." You're strongly implying that they had Thing A, but not Thing B. THING A IMPLIES THING B. FFFLLLLLOOOOOOOGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!

At that point in their development as a unit, they needed to eliminate the excuses.

Scene (hypothetical): April 2008, bases loaded in the bottom of the 9th, 2 outs. Phightin' Phils down by 2 to the New York Metropolitans. Chase Utley at the plate.

Utley: ::smokes a Billy Wagner pitch....it's going back, back, back, and Carlos Beltran leaps and makes a gamesaving catch over the fence, game over, Phils lose::

Rollins: Ummmm...what the fuck was that?

Utley: I murdered that ball! He just...he just made the catch is all!

Rollins: That sounds an awful lot like an....

Utley: Excuse?

Rollins Precisely. (Disclaimer: Jimmy Rollins has never said that word in his life)

Utley: I know but....

Rollins: Listen here Chase, I didn't win the MVP award last year with bullshit excuses. That's what lost us the game today. You've got to believe and cut this crap out. NO EXCUSES ON THIS TEAM! How do you think Matt Tolbert hit that game-tying bouncer up the middle for the Twins one and a half years from now?

Utley: MATT TOLBERT IS THE WORST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF BASEBALL AND RON DARLING SHOULD BE FIRED!

Fin

"When you've got swag, it's ‘They got away from us today’ or ‘They pulled it out just in time’ or 'We just missed a couple of pitches' or 'If we could have just found the hole here,'" he said with an earnest look in his eye. "But without swag, it's 'We couldn't hold them here' or 'We couldn't get a big hit' ... you see that? It's the same thing, but your mindset is different, the way you think about that."

You're at the plate and it's a big situation. Clayton Kershaw can either bring the heat, or "Public Enemy Number 1", the knee-buckling curveball. How the hell does any of this help you?

Well, these Phillies have swag. No doubt about that.

Hoomagawha?

And thanks to that swag, they also have a commanding 3-1 lead in the NLCS.

You were always that child on 3rd grade standardized tests who matched the cause "The ice melted" to the effect "The sun was shining brightly", weren't you Ryan?

Now keep in mind, this is an opinion column. Here is the remainder of the column.

Johnathan Broxton, who throws 523 MPH, pitched baseballs, but Phillies NEVER SAY DIE! The Phillies were on the bench, believing in themselves, and that energy flowed 150 feet away to Johnathan Broxton, who walked Matt Stairs on four pitches, and Broxton was SO UNCOMFORTABLE, beaned Ruiz, Dobbs lined out (no excuses, Dobbs!), and the Phillies were already halfway to the clubhouse knowing they had won the game, and willed Jimmy Rollins to hit a baseball into the gap. Brad Lidge is a Phillie. Rollins had a really uninteresting track record both against Broxton and in the game, 1-4, but I'm going to write it anyway. Jimmy Rollins was 1-4 in the game and against Broxton in his career. That's a .250 batting averaeg. (he actually spelled it like that) Carlos Ruiz eats 27 tacos per day, but Jayson Werth thought the Phillies would win, so a jetpack magically appeared on Carlos Ruiz's back! Andre Ethier, busy trying to grasp why the umpire would allow a clearly illegal device in play, forgot how to throw, and the Phillies scored! Phillies win! Phillies win! Phillies! Ryan Howard has a sense of humor, and knows how many more games the Phillies need to win to go to the World Series!

I may have edited that a little. With the power of FLOG!

Rays Get Edge in World Series by Losing Game 5 to Boston

Normally, when I write a stupid headline like that, I'm kidding.

This time, that case is actually being argued by...

::sigh::

HatGuy.

Rays' momentum should make Phillies nervous

Wait a minute...momentum?

Philly should be rusty entering World Series, while Tampa is coming in hot

That's true. The Rays have won one (1) game (game) in a row. Their current postseason baseball winning streak total is at....one. The Phillies have won their last two, and are 7-2 in the postseason. Ice. Fucking. Cold.

Nobody in Tampa thought this at the time, but losing Games 5 and 6 of the ALCS to the Boston Red Sox may prove to be the best thing that could have happened to a young team making its first-ever postseason foray.

Even the Rays sweeping the Phillies in 4 games would not "prove" that.

We can say that because the Rays didn’t collapse. They didn't cave to the pressure of Game 7 against the defending World Champions. And in refusing to blink in the white glare of the national spotlight, they’ve been given a huge boost in confidence going into their first World Series.

More confidence than, say, dominating (one of) the best team(s) in baseball?

They’ve also got another weapon they weren’t even aware they had

#1 overall draft pick David Price? Trust me, they were aware of him.

a big-game left-handed closer with blistering speed and composure far beyond what a kid who started the season in Class A should have.

David Price racked up his first major league save ever on Sunday. (You had to listen really closely, but under his breath, one of the commentators mentioned that he's never saved a regular season game before. I don't think he knew his microphone was on.) He's a "closer" now. Funny thing is, ol' Mikey here has no clue that he's ticketed for the rotation pretty darn soon.

The kid’s name is David Price, and if it weren’t for him, Boston would be celebrating its third improbable ALCS comeback in the past five years.

I love this blip here. I really do. It implies that no other pitcher in the world could have come in the game in the 8th inning, bases loaded, 2 outs, TB up by 2, and won the game pitching the last 4 outs. News flash, Celizic. Even though J.D. Drew is really good at baseball, he's gonna fuck this up at least 60% of the time. Price got the job done, but it isn't like it was some inexplicable feat of pitching.

These are huge advantages for a team that had never had a winning record before this season, a team that had finished last season with the major's worst record. The last two season have't been kind to those teams coming in rested.

"Have't" is the world's newest favorite contraction.

Thank you for pointing out something that has more to do with luck than an actual, sustainable trend. Use it to argue whatever idiotic point you want. I, however, will counter with this.

Teams entering World Series with five or more days off and how they fared
Year Days Team Opp. Result
2007 8 Col Bos L, 4-0
2006 6 Det StL L, 4-1
2005 5 ChW Hou W, 4-0
2002 5 Ana SF W, 4-3
2001 5 Ari NYY W, 4-3
1996 6 NYY Atl W, 4-2
1995 6 Atl Cle W, 4-2
1991 5 Min Atl W, 4-3
1990 5 Oak Cin L, 4-0
1989 5 Oak SF W, 4-0
1988 5 Oak LA L, 4-1
Source: Elias Sports Bureau

THIS IS PRINTED ON THE FUCKING SAME PAGE AS YOUR ARTICLE. The team with >5 days rest has gone 7-4 over the last 11 occurrences. You are a fucking idiot for trying to claim something based on the most recent two.

Last year’s Rays were the Colorado Rockies, another young team that hadn’t known much success.

Only the 2008 Rays are significantly better than the 2007 Rockies (sorry Larry).

The Rockies did have more veteran experience, mainly in the person of Todd Helton, but, like the Rays, the postseason was unfamiliar territory.

What the hell is your point? The Rox choked it in the World Series. Why are you mentioning this in an article devoted to explaining why the Rays will win?

The Rockies won 14 of their last 15 games to reach the playoffs, then won eight straight to get to the World Series. At the time, we all thought it was wonderful. It turned out to be the worst thing they could have done because they had eight days to rest before the Fall Classic began.

Dude, I'm going to call the Cause-and-Effect police if you don't shut the fuck up right now.

The problem was that with two weeks to go in the playoffs, the Rockies couldn’t even imagine the playoffs.

THIS is the problem? The Rockies tore apart the Phillies and Diamondbacks, followed by losing to the Red Sox because they couldn't even imagine the playoffs??? Something was wrong with the neural synapses in their brains, inhibiting this concept from entering their minds???....you know what, fuck it, I'm drunk (yeah!!!! awesome!!!!), and know nothing about neurological science, and just want to point out cleverly in some way that Celizic is a motherfucking moron for attributing (any)% of
the outcome(s) of the Rockies' 2007 playoff run to how many days of rest they've had.

When they got to the World Series, they were flatter than Kansas.

There's like 20313231231e094 celebrity women who would have made for a funnier punchline at the end of this sentence than "Kansas".

(I am aware that "e" appears as a digit in that number. I wrote it in hexadecimal. Base 16, dontcha know.)

And when the Red Sox lit into them, they had no idea how to fight back.

Huh. "Hitting", "pitching", and "fielding" never entered their minds. Go figure. Major league team. Didn't even think of those things.

The same thing was true for Detroit in 2006, when they entered the World Series on six days of rest, but lost to a Cardinals squad in five games.

Again, what happened the prior 6 times a team entered the World Series on >5 days of rest?

The Tigers had won 96 games that season and trounced the Yankees and A's en route to the World Series. St. Louis barely finished over .500, escaped against the Mets in the NLCS, yet rolled in the World Series. Clearly, the Cardinals were helped by staying on a roll.

THE CARDINALS WERE MUCH BOLSTERED IN THEIR EFFORTS TO WIN BECAUSE THEY HAD THE ADVANTAGE OF PLAYING REALLY GOOD!

This is in the running for "Most Useless Paragraph of All-Time".

The Rays could have been in a similar situation had they beaten the Red Sox in five games, as they might have if manager Joe Maddon hadn’t started fiddling with his pitching rotation.

Woah woah......is this Celizic PRAISING the Rays for adjusting their pitching rotation so that they might more likely LOSE game 5???

What the FUCK???

I'll drop this little tidbit for ya. Scott Kazmir got in an argument with Derryl Cousins, the home plate umpire for Game 6, earlier in this season. You think that might have had something to do with the switch? Or also, if you have to win one game out of three, the best chance you have is to adjust your pitchers to favor your team heavily in one specific game. Getting Shields to pitch at home, not against the Boston ace, Matsuzaka, is absolutely the correct move.

They’d have come into the World Series having lost just one of eight playoff games with no clue what it feels like to face a must-win game.

A situation that absolutely crippled the 2005 White Sox, who lost the Series in 4 games to the Houston Astros.

Actually speaking of the White Sox, they won 4 straight do-or-die games this season. Why the hell are the Rays doing this much better than they are? Why didn't the confidence of winning from having their razorbacks against the Great Wall of China propeller blade them deep impact into the playoffs?

See, it's fun to insert nonsense words into arguments that make no sense to begin with.

But they lost Games 5 and 6 and then had to find out just what they had inside. As things turned out, it was more than enough.

Here's some counter-anecdotal bullshit to that anecdotal bullshit.

"The Rays, in losing a dramatic Game 5 on the road and a demoralizing Game 6 at home, squeaked by in Game 7 to barely salvage the American League title. However, they move on to the World Series, their minds scarred by the fact that they almost blew everything. What happens when a good team finds out just how vulnerable they are? Just ask the super-confident Phillies."

Yeah. That oughta show ya.

Just as important as what the Rays know is what their opponents, the Phillies now know. They’ve been sitting around with nothing to do but watch the ALCS since they eliminated the Dodgers on Oct. 15. Besides getting rusty with inactivity, they’ve watched the Rays first dig themselves a hole and then climb out of it. As surely as the Rays now know they can come back against one of the game's best teams, so do the Phils.

The Phillies now know that they're supposed to try super hard EVEN IF they are leading in the World Series, the ultimate championship of all that is baseball. Brilliant point!

Wait, what the fuck? The worst the Rays were losing this series was 1-0. They were NEVER in a significant hole.

As fans, we want a seven-game series and the maximum drama. But the reality is that this World Series could easily turn into a rout, just like the past four Series, three of which were sweeps and one of which ended in five games.

You've yet to make any cogent point about why this will happen. Like, using the past matchups (which were comprised of completely different teams) is totally stupid for doing this.

In the past 10 years, there have been just two Series that went the distance. In the 2002 Fall Classic, the Angels prevailed over the Giants in seven, and in 2001, the Diamondbacks plunging a stake through the heart of the Yankee dynasty with a walk-off Game-7 hit.

The odds of the World Series going 7 games is 31.25%. With all likelihood, 3 of those 10 Serieseses, rather than 2, would have gone 7 games. Huh. When you use facts, that hardly seems worth pointing out at all, eh?

This year’s participants are more likely to go short than long, and the team that is probably in more danger of being swept is Philadelphia. There are several reasons to say that. One is that the Phillies are facing more pressure.

With all due respect to the fans and everything, I don't think that Brad Lidge and Pat Burrell care about what happened to the Phillies in like the 90's or anything.

Blame their history for that. As bad as the Rays have been before this year, the Phillies have been bad for almost forever. They have lost more games than any team in major league history, a distinction helped by the fact they’ve been playing the game since 1876.

Again, Shane Victorino probably doesn't give a shit.

They’ve also been waiting since 1983 to get back to the World Series and since 1980 to win it again. That 1980 flag remains their lone championship banner.

See, this is absolutely terrible. The Phillies made the World Series in 1993. Before you think this is a typo, they made the World Series in 1983 as well, making it perfectly plausible that HatGuy is a fucking moron that knows nothing about anything. That's all I'm trying to prove here. It's not a lot to ask that you just....you just believe me.

In Tampa, the newspapers are congratulating the Rays. In Philly, they’re writing about the Phillies' past failures and asking the players why this year should be any different than all the others.

Again, you failed to point out the part where Carlos Ruiz and Brett Myers get negatively affected by this.....

There are no curses in sports, or in life.

Finally, reason wins.

But prolonged losing streaks are helped along by the pressure heaped upon the teams.

We would also have accepted: variance.

Players tend to try so hard to prove they’re not losers that they make the mistakes that turn them into losers.

Jamie Moyer lost all ability to throw hard way before he was a well-known, crafty pitcher. You think he needs to win this World Series to prove he's not a loser? How about Ryan Howard? That 2006 MVP screaming "loser" in the back of his mind?

The only curse Tampa has worked against during the franchise’s lifetime is lack of talent and money. They’ve got the talent now, and they know it. They also know that they can come back because they’ve already done it.

BECAUSE THEY CAME BACK FROM A STEEP 1-0 DEFICIT TO WIN THE ALCS????

Actually, this is hilarious. This is the 2nd time that Celizic has made this awful inference, but he clearly believes that the Rays "came back" by winning game 7 of the ALCS when the series was tied.

The Phillies are a powerful team, but they don’t know what they can do.

What kind of thing to say is that? "They don't know what they can do????" You disgust me.

They only know that they were swept in the NLDS last year by the Rockies and they sailed past the Brewers and Dodgers this year, never facing a game that they absolutely had to win.

Might I remind you that before Game 7 of the ALCS, the Rays were never in a situation when they absolutely had to win the game, and they still won that game anyway.

Last year, The Rockies sat for a week waiting for the Series to start. Once it did, all their momentum was gone.

They were the inferior team, and weren't very fortunate in the World Series. Nothing else to say here.

Had the Rays taken care of business in Game 5, I would've said the Phils had the edge. But they didn’t, and in losing they became stronger.

This is the most ridiculous sentence I have ever read. Not only does the fact that the Rays didn't win in only 5 games mean NOTHING, but you would have honestly taken the Phillies? You'd take the Phillies over the team with home field advantage that won 97 games in the best division in baseball? REALLY????? Fuck you and your unjustified having-a-job abilities.

They’re no longer strangers to winning, to post-season play or to must-win games. They’ve been there and done that.

If I were a Phillies’ fan, I’d be afraid. I’d be very, very afraid.

Because they're a worse team and Evan Longoria owns Brad Lidge's soul?

Yeah, that's what you're getting at.

LiveBlog!

Good evening folks! Larry B will be over shortly, and we'll be liveblogging Sunday Night Baseball. I know it's already the middle of the 3rd inning, but we've gotta start somewhere. Nothing just yet, so enjoy Jack M's post below while we supplement this intro with loads of stupidity that we'll surely hear over the next 6-6.5 innings. Get excited!

All these quotes are obviously as close as possible.

EDIT: Top of the 4th

Jon Miller: (on the Diamondbacks) Well they'd be 12 games behind the Cubs if they had that record in the Central Division

Joe Morgan: (laughing) Well maybe that record would be even better because they wouldn't have to play all the tough teams in the West so much!

...

You know what? Everyone reading this blog already knows exactly why this is such a stupid thing to say. But you know what? I don't fucking care! This is happening anyway.

NL West Winning Percentages, non-Diamondbacks:

.504
.462
.446
.369

AL Central Winning Percentages

.615
.580
.553
.508
.438
.435

Fine. Get out of the insanely tough NL West as soon as possible, DBacks. Must be tough seeing things like Kevin Correia and Cha Seung Baek more than other teams.

(I did not mistype. Kevin Correia and Cha Seung Baek are not pitchers. They are things.)

EDIT, still top of 4th

Jon Miller: It would be hard to imagine Jeff Kent not making the Hall of Fame.

Really Jon? That's your idea of a slam-dunk Hall of Famer?

He has the 2nd best projected career of all the 2nd basemen playing in this game.

EDIT: Bottom of the 5th

Emmy Award Winning Analysis:

Joe Morgan: Good piece of hitting by Utley, who is certainly a good hitter.

EDIT: Bottom of the 5th

(On Geovany Soto's dark-horse MVP candidacy)

Joe Morgan: People are going to toss his name around because he plays for the Cubs, who don't have any one outstanding player.....that's why they're such a good team

Reason Yankees suck: Too much Alex Rodriguez
Reason Indians suck: Too much Cliff Lee
Reason Cardinals suck: Too much Albert Pujols

I've gotta say, Joey. This is holding water.

So far this season, Evan Longoria has been the most valuable Ray. But the Rays need to be careful that he doesn't get toooooo much better than everyone else on that team....else they're gonna plummet in the standings.

EDIT: Bottom of the 6th

We're in and out of the bottom of the 6th inning, and Joe didn't say a word. Larry and I are positive that he's in the can.....

EDIT: Top of the 7th

(J.C. Romero tries a pretty deceptive pickoff throw to nab Juan Pierre at 1st base)

Joe Morgan: And that's useful, because it prevents the runner from getting a big lead

larry b: Most pickoff moves are there strictly to entertain the umpires and paid attendance. Romero's, however, is there to limit a baserunner's lead.

EDIT: Top of the 7th

J.C. Romero has just picked Juan Pierre off of 1st base. I guess we should just dismantle this blog.

EDIT: Top of the 7th

Jeff Kent just knocked in the go-ahead run. We're actually going to sell our URL to some carpet salesmen from Morocco.

EDIT: Bottom of the 7th

From the Dept. of "Really??"

Jon Miller: Both teams have an incentive to win this game.

Ya don't say, Gramps.

Joe Morgan: It kind of seems like we have a long way to go, but we do not. It kinda goes quickly here at the end

larry b: Everybody knows that September is a much shorter month than April.

pnoles: Shut up Larry. You're a mean, sarcastic meanie.

EDIT: Top of the 8th inning

Ryan Howard makes a routine catch in foul territory (he made a much better one in the 6th).

Joe Morgan: Not many first basemen have that kind of range.

Oh boy. A compliment to Ryan Howard's defense. This is playing with hot coals, Joe, so careful with how you proceed.

Joe Morgan: He's never been a Gold Glover, but he can help you out in other ways,

larry b: Like hitting 40+ HR and just being an awesome hitter?

like chasing those balls down the right field line.

Oh.

"Ryan Howard has never been the best fielder at his position, but he can help you out in other ways, like fielding."

There's only so much Joe you can listen to in one night. Larry and I are calling it quits here after the 10th. We'll see you next Sunday.

Heyman's Follies

We know Jon Heyman. Mr. VORPsucks. Mr. if-your-team-ain't-in-a-playoff-race-you-ain't-worth-talkin-about-,-son. Mr. Jimmy-Rollins-is-the-best-thing-ever.

Rollins may not be MVP, but he leads NL in fun factor

Of course. Nothing more fun than Jimmy Rollins. I love how he bashes VORP for being a made-up stat, but then he invents awesome ones that are meaningful like Fun Factor (FF).

Your NL leaders, up to the minute in FF.

1) Jimmy Rollins: 76.3
2) Ryan Braun: 74.9 (he's soooo close!)
3) Mike Lamb: 69.1 (I know, I'm shocked too)
.
.
121) Hanley Ramirez: 22.5 (OK at baseball, but his team is bad!)
.
.
400) Barry Bonds: -43.1

So....story checks out.

The National League MVP race is still up for grabs -- I have Prince Fielder, David Wright, Jimmy Rollins and Matt Holliday leading a group of perhaps 10 -- but I will hand out a somewhat less-known honor here now.

Heyman's made his stance before that MVPs must be on contending teams. The Rockies are definitely not a contending team right now (sorry Larry). So why is Matt Holliday here while Miguel Cabrera and Hanley Ramirez are absent? Of course, there's a simple answer to that. I mean, if those two were truly good players, the Marlins would probably be good. Or if the Marlins were good, those two would be worse somehow because of all the pressure. Whatever, we've been over this. Back to the crap.

All I demand to know is exactly which player is "analyst" Jon Heyman's favorite, anyway.

By far my Favorite Player of the Year (FPY) has to be Rollins, the tiny Phillies shortstop who talks big and plays even bigger.

You heard it here first.

Jimmy Rollins: 5'8", 175 lbs
Jimmy Rollins' Talking: 6'3", 230 lbs
Jimmy Rollins' Playing: 7'2", 322 lbs

If this isn't the definition of little man, big attitude, bigger performance, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know what is.

Before we get into this, though, I acknowledge that Rollins was a very good, healthy player on a team full of injuries. Credit is due.

One of the biggest reasons the Phillies are right there is one of the smallest guys in the league. As I interviewed Rollins at Shea Stadium on Sunday, I thought that he could just as easily be working a few miles to the east at Belmont Park. He is that tiny.

Big reasons, small guys, Philadelphia Phillies.

I have to keep reminding myself that Jimmy Rollins is actually pretty good at baseball despite Heyman's constant efforts to tweak my brain into thinking he's the black David Eckstein.

Heyman, the average height for human males is 5'9". Rollins is 5'8". He isn't tiny. Small for a baseball player, yes. Huge for a jockey: also yes.

Yet the last thing he'd want is to be graded on a curve, to say his team is handicapped by its pain, and Rollins by his stature. No one -- no matter how big or small - has come up bigger than him this season.

This is completely and totally false.

He has 27 home runs,

...making him T-26th in MLB and T-19th in the NL

85 RBIs,

...making him T-47th in MLB and 26th in the NL in this stupid, team-dependent stat.

127 runs

Because Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, and Pat Burrell hit behind him.

and 36 stolen bases.

Yeah, he's pretty fast, and doing well in this overrated category.

Eventually we get to re: Hanley Ramirez (Miguel Cabrera is never mentioned).

Here's my take: Rollins may be my favorite player at the moment, but as regular readers of this column know, I don't believe a player can truly be "most valuable'' if his great individual numbers don't lead to winning (as is the case with Ramirez), contention and preferably the playoffs.

Yeah, fuck you, Hanley, and your 10.0 WARP3. That doesn't lead to winning. If you're so good, why isn't the goodness of your bat and the energy of your speed psychically or otherwise transferred into the bodies of Scott Olsen, Dontrelle Willis, Sergio Mitre, Rick Vanden Hurk, Wes Obermueller, and Byung-Hyun Kim so that they aren't one of the worst fucking groups of men allowed to throw the first pitch of a baseball game? Huh? Can you answer me that, Hanley? No, of course you aren't good enough to do that. You're just a punk kid playing baseball on easy street at the bottom of the division who isn't valuable at all because none of your at-bats even matter. Loser.

Moving on to a little snippet from later on....

• Derek Jeter really isn't having one of his best years. But he remains one of the most clutch players ever. I know some stat people claim there's no such thing as a clutch hitter, and all I can say is they just haven't been paying enough attention.

Very easy for you to say that the day after that huge home run that eliminated me from the playoffs in my fantasy league on the last at-bat for either team in the week. You know what he was OPSing this month, September, the clutchiest of months, before that game last night? .442* That's clutch, baby. Is there a playoff hunt going on? I think there is....I wouldn't know though...I probably haven't been paying enough attention, as one of those stat people.

A lesson you'd do well to learn, Heyman. People have a tendency to remember a thing when it hits, but not when it misses. It's the root of all superstition, including your stupid theory of "clutch ability".

*Thanks to Fire Joe Morgan for the stat