UH OH! This literally worries me

If you're in the greater Jacksonville area tonight (and good gravy I hope you aren't because that's a shitty place to be), watch out for a flying Ron Jaworski. During the fourth quarter of tonight's broadcast he announced that he was

literally blown away (!!!)

by the play of rookie QBs this year. Then they went through a sequence of graphics that showed the stats accumulated by Andy Dalton, Christian Ponder, and Blaine Gabbert, and Ron was forced to admit that OK fine it's really just Dalton. Dalton's been good--good enough to cause a fat old man to go airborne? Apparently.

Also, left the TV on ESPN after the game and subjected myself to about eight minutes of Sportscenter before Stu Scott's vocal mannerisms caused me to turn it off. In those eight minutes I learned that Robert Smith's Heisman ballot (he actually has a vote, this isn't just a bit for the show) goes as follows:

1) Trent Richardson

2) Montee Ball

3) R. Griffin III

I guess that's what Andrew Luck gets for playing on the west coast and for not having any flashy wideouts (at least after Chris Owusu went down) who can catch 80 yard bombs and make him look super duper badass. Cue up Brent Musberger lamenting Luck's failure to "give us a Heisman moment!!!!!" But yeah, if he's not top three on your ballot... you and Robert Smith can go soak your heads together.

Literally Ironic Alert

I'm going to do something more substantial tomorrow or Wednesday night, but since posting has been a little sparse around here lately

/clears throat
/glares at other FireJay writers as much as one can do so on the internet, which is not at all

I decided I should throw up a quickie tonight. First of all, while watching some of the Daytona 500 today (yeah that's right, that happened, I channel surf to NASCAR occasionally, deal with it, I just happen to find it relaxing) I learned from one of FOX's announcers that the late Dale Earnhardt was an incredibly strong guy.

He literally carried the sport on his back.

That's pretty impressive. Just remember, kids: literally is a word that adds emphasis to nonsensical figures of speech.

And for the irony portion of the post we have the thoughts of Captain Douchehole himself, William Peaboday Q. Simmons the third. This comes from his annual NBA trade value column, which is really just an excuse for him to take a few cheap shots at the Lakers, talk about how much toughah and bettah the Celtics ahh, and write a lot of bad jokes about bad movies and TV shows (so really no different than anything else he writes):

Ty Lawson: I always get the definition of "irony" wrong, like most people, which makes me think that we should just change the meaning of the word to account for all the people who misuse it. So forgive me in advance. But doesn't it seem ironic in the traditionally wrong application of the definition that Ty Lawson -- the third point guard Minnesota drafted in 2009 (and immediately traded away) -- is better than the guys the Wolves drafted No. 5 and No. 6? That's totally what I think ironic means, even though it doesn't.

Besides being unfunny, stupid, and sickeningly self-congratulatory, you're also lazy. You and Chuck Klosterman were made for each other. If I had the money to make it happen I'd pay to get you both kidnapped, tied to the side of a rocket, and launched into deep space. Later in the same article:

A good test case for one of my favorite games (inspired by Chuck Klosterman): "Overrated, underrated or properly rated?" In the Internet era, we spend so much time dissecting things that it's hard to find something that's properly rated -- we either think someone's getting a little too much credit or not quite enough.

Fuck the both of you.

GAH. Please Don't Do That

Jaguars QB David Garrard, on his game-winning 50 yard TD pass to Mike Thomas (fast forward to about 7:15 on this video):

I couldn't tell if he caught it... if there was even a play on the ball... and then I saw him running into the end zone. I didn't know what to do. I thought I was gonna just- literally explode right there.

Imagine that literally happened. Literally grosser than that time Joe Theisman's leg literally snapped in two back in the day? I literally believe so.

Adding some much-need clarity to his comment, Garrard continues:

On impact. Right there.

On impact? I'm literally befuddled.