Low Hanging Fruit: Chris Berman Edition

From the Blitz (a program I actually enjoy), not word for word but almost:

I know that pre-season doesn't count for much, but if you include the the Raven's 4 preseason wins, they're now 6-0, and that says something.

Yeah, it says that ESPN's writers are such uncreative hacks that they can't even come up with an interesting or helpful analysis of the Ravens early success. And the whole "saying that a statistic is stupid, and then immediately turning around and giving said statistic credence" thing is just really retarded.

Bill Simmons: On top of things, as always

I'm not going to complain about all of Bill's lame jokes and dated references because I know he writes for ESPN, and they probably edit out a lot of good shit (although, no one put a gun to Simmons' head and forced him to re-up with ESPN). In addition, I continue to applaud Bill Simmons for being one of the first mainstream sports writers who began to question how/why Roger Clemens was having his best seasons at ages 41-43.

That all being said, I take rather serious umbrage with the following from his Friday NFL column:

RAVENS (-5) over Redskins

I can't wait for this sequence on "The Sports Reporters."

Mike Lupica: "If an aging baseball star had rejuvenated his career in a contract year like Ray Lewis did this year, to the point that he's almost UNRECOGNIZABLE compared with the has-been we've been watching the past three years ... we'd be asking all kinds of questions, wouldn't we? And that's really the difference between baseball and football, as we learned with Shawne Merriman's suspension last year. Ultimately, we don't care whether NFL players cheat or not!"

...

Lupica: "Look, I'm not saying Ray Lewis cheated. He was just the most logical example here ... unless you want to go with Rodney Harrison and the fact that they're still picking up pieces of his exploded LEFT QUADRICEP off the grass at Gillette Stadium."

So if he's the most logical example, then clearly comparing his stat lines to the past 3 years will prove what an obvious steroid user Ray Lewis is:

2005: Games: 6, Solo Tackles Per Game: 6.5, Assists Per Game: 1.33, Sacks: 1.0, INTs: 1

2006: Games: 14, Solo Tackles Per Game: 5.79, Assists Per Game: 1.57, Sacks: 5.0, INTs: 2

2007: Games: 14, Solo Tackles Per Game: 5.86, Assists Per Game: 2.71, Sacks, 2.0 INTs: 2

2008: Games: 12, Solo Tackles Per Game: 5, Assists Per Game: 1.92, Sacks: 1.0 INTs: 3

Conclusions:

1. If ever there was a time to claim Ray Lewis was on steroids, it was last year, as it's the only year out of the past 4 where his tackles and assists have gone up from the previous year.

2. Gregg Easterbrook would claim that Ray Lewis hasn't changed at all because the difference between 6.5 tackles per game and 5 tackles per game is indistinguishable to human beings.

3. Ray Lewis is on pace to double his INT total from 2006 and 2007. Might have something to do with picking 2 against Sage Rosenfels.

4. If you're not Gregg Easterbrook, then you would probably say that the only way Ray Lewis is "unrecognizable" from the past 3 years is that he's gotten worse.

5. Simmons used the following methodology for determining Ray Ray is on steroids:

"Hmm, the Ravens are above .500, and their game against the Redskins got moved to prime time. Must be that defense of theirs. Some guy from Football Outsiders mentioned that Haloti Ngata, Terrell Suggs, and Ed Reed are all really good, but that defense always comes down to Ray Lewis. Seriously, how old is that guy, like a thousand? What? He's 33? Not possible. He won a Super Bowl before the Pats dynasty started for fuck's sake! Dude is on steroids, no doubt. Shit look at the time, I need to iron my Teddy Bruschi jersey before going to my weekly Patriots Fans of LA Circle Jerk."

More Easterbrook Stupidity

Sour Play of the Week No. 2: "Catch the ball with your hands!" That's what coaches endlessly tell running backs and receivers -- meaning, do not catch the ball against your body, instead hold your hands outward and catch the ball before it can strike your chest or pads and ricochet away. Specifically, receivers are coached to form their hands into a diamond shape to catch the ball away from the body. On the decisive play of the Giants-Ravens game, Ravens wide receiver Derrick Mason let the ball ricochet off his upper chest and into the hands of Aaron Ross for an interception, which was returned for a touchdown. Mason's hands were not in a diamond; he had his hands all wrong in terms of form, allowing the ball to strike his body.



Would that have been a pick to the house if Mason used the diamond? Maybe not, although Easterbrook, in typical Easterbrook fashion, makes it sound like drops/ints never occur when the diamond method is employed.

However, it is fucking ridiculous that Easterbrook, who oft criticizes others for their lack of attention to detail, apparently couldn't be bothered to watch the play, or the multiple replays from different angles, with a close enough eye to see that the ball clearly struck Mason's face mask, not his "upper chest."

Fucking hypocrite.

TNTMQR: Obviously I'm Biased

But TMQ is still a pretentious ass-hat.

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk No. 2: Trailing Dallas 24-9 early in the fourth quarter, Green Bay faced fourth-and-2 on its 35, and sent in a punt unit. "Got to be a fake," yours truly thought -- boom went the punt, and Dallas scored on its possession to ice the game. As TMQ endlessly notes, teams that punt on fourth-and-short when trailing in the fourth quarter almost always go on to lose.

With 13:55 left in the game, and down by 15 points, it's always best to take a risk that will immediately put your opponent in field goal range if the gamble doesn't pay off

Best Purist Drive: Jacksonville ran an 18-play, 82-yard drive that consumed 12 minutes and 18 seconds of the fourth quarter. Fourteen of the snaps were rushes; the result was a field goal that put the Jags ahead 20-14 with 2:36 remaining.

Jacksonville kicked the field goal on 4th down from the Colts 4 yard line! Doesn't Jack of the River know that the average play from scrimmage gains 5 yards!? With 2:33 left and a 6 point lead the Jags lined up to kick-off to the Colts, whose quarterback has more 4th quarter come from behind wins than any other active NFL quarterback. "They should onside kick it" said the tastefully named, official son of TMQ, Spencer Easterbrook. Even my 12 year old son knew the Jags shouldn't risk giving Peyton Manning the ball back with so much time! BOOM went the kick, and TMQ needn't tell you that the Colts scored the winning touchdown just 1:26 later.

Network Priorities Praised: TMQ lives in the Washington, D.C., area, where endlessly the network affiliates show excruciatingly dull Baltimore Ravens games instead of whatever the day's headliner is, on the theory that Washington is a "secondary market" for Baltimore.

Who are the Ravens, and why are they playing in the Nevermores' stadium?

Look, I hate watching the Redskins play, but Baltimore, MD (where the Ravens play) and Landover, MD (where the Redskins play) are only 50 miles apart. In that space, there are fans of both teams. Please do like me, and get over it.

On Sunday, WUSA, the CBS affiliate, had the late slot and showed Pittsburgh at Philadelphia, the headliner game, not the Cleveland-Baltimore stinker.Good call!

Easterbrook, the guy who constantly writes about how DirecTV's exclusive rights to Sunday Ticket prevents thousands of fans from being able to watch their home team play, lauds a local affiliate for preventing Ravens fans who live in the Maryland suburbs from watching their team play. This reminds me of a word that starts with "h," hapo...hypo...hippopotamus, that's it.

Pittsburgh at Philadelphia wasn't a fireworks game, but was a lot better than the Cleveland-Baltimore stinker.

Browns/Ravens: 38 combined points, 5 touchdowns, 41 first downs, 5 sacks, 5 turnovers = stinky.
Steelers/Eagles: 21 combined points, 1 touchdown, 1 safety, 30 first downs, 12 sacks, 4 turnovers, 5 second half points = not stinky.

ESPN should blackout this Monday's game between the Ravens and the Steelers because the forecast calls for a 100% chance of stinkyness in Pittsburgh that night.