Attention: baseball commentators of America

I have heard several of you talk about Mike Trout during the past month.  In aggregate, about 20% of your talk time has been spent praising Trout's baseball ability while 80% of it has been spent talking about what a wonderful person he is.  He is humble.  His teammates love him.  He is mature beyond his years.  Did you mention he was humble?  Yes, yes you did, 250 fucking times already.  Here's something you need to hear: I don't give a flying fuck about what kind of person he is (as long as he's not a shameless dickhead like Ty Cobb or Barry Bonds or Joe West).  I know that many of you are stuffy boring white men in your 40s or 50s, who are appalled at all the brashness today's youngpeople exude.  What with their affinity for hippity hop music and the Twitter, it's a wonder the whole country hasn't literally gone to literal hell in a literal handbasket yet.  And I know that Trout has a twinkle in his eye as he tells you that the most important thing to him is winning rather than his own statistics.  Just fucking stuff a cork in it and tell me about what makes him a great player.  Tell me about his approach at the plate, or how he generates backspin, or the quality of the routes he takes to the ball when he's playing defense.  I'm begging yoU.  No more GEE GOLLY WHAT A NICE YOUNG MAN I'D LET HIM DATE MY DAUGHTER.  I'm about to kick the shit out of my TV.

Real post re Simmons coming later this week.  Like I said last week, I'm really lurching through summer here, what with all the time I'm spending outside and shit.  Teh blogzz will be more active come September.  Promise.

Proof from 2009 that Bill Simmons is very proud of Bill Simmons

If Grantland were a classic rock radio station, this would be a Bill Simmons *absurd radio promo announcer voice*

DEEEEEP CUUUUUT

It's an old Simmons brainshit, unearthed and republished last week because the world needs to re-see this man's brilliance. Or something. Actually, there's not a single fucking reason in the world why it should have been republished. The desperate attempt to paint the completely obvious as brilliantly analytical, as well as the unbridled navel-gazing, begins... meow.

The following originally ran July 17, 2009, as part of a Friday mailbag.

Ah, that one. One of my favorites. Unfortunately Jack M didn't cover this particular question, probably because he realized that addressing it would be even more of a waste of time than writing posts for an unread anti-sports media blog usually is.

Q: Thought of this after Michael Jackson's death:

Too bad? Who didn't see that one coming? Was foul play involved? Do I have to go to work tomorrow? Some kind of pedophile joke?

Which famous singer would have dominated American Idol the most had he/she started his/her career as a contestant on the show?

Oh OF COURSE. "Hey Bill, thought of this when I heard about that prison fire in Honduras last week- how would Dustin Pedroia fare on The Bachelor?"

I thought MJ around the "Off the Wall" era, but then realized he would not have been eligible because of his Jackson 5 fame. So who? Please don't tell me John Mayer, circa 2005.

-- Cliff, Portland, Ore.

There are idiotic questions written by pandering Simmons fanboy assholes, then there are extremely idiotic questions written by pandering Simmons fanboy cuntrag cockwads, then there's that kid who wrote in to tell Bill how he and his friends shout at strangers all the time to act like Kevin Garnett, THEN there's the guy who wrote in to tell Bill about the imaginary friend his friends "brought" on their Vegas trip, and THEN there's this question from Cliff in Portland.

SG: Come on, Cliff, 2005 Mayer would have rolled through that show every week, caused a national riot and had Paula whipping her ovaries at him. Anyone non-threatening with undeniable talent who can play guitar, play the piano or belt out tunes is going to succeed on Idol.

I don't watch the show, but I imagine dozens of contestants who fit that description have failed over the years.

Young Alicia Keys would have crushed Idol. Same for the dude from Maroon 5.

Grrrrrr what a punchable face he has.

Norah Jones would have done well. You get the idea.

Let me name some talented, famous musicians and then tell you about how well they'd do on a show that judges musicians by their talent.

But there is one answer for your question and only one: Whitney Houston.

She's like Michael Jackson in this respect: All the craziness with her personal life these past 12-15 years ended up overshadowing the eight to 10 years before it.

What? No way. What a controversial and unorthodox stance to take re: one of the most famous career-overshadowy train wrecks of the past 25 years.

Young Whitney was like LeBron crossed with Tiger.

Crossed with Malcolm Gladwell, attached to Chuck Klosterman's ass.

Actually, you can't even compare her to anything. Let's say you rated a young female singer from 1 to 50 in five categories: likability, attractiveness, singing voice, pedigree and stage presence. Young Whitney was a 50 in all of them. Has anyone else ever cracked 45?

Quick, ponder the rhetorical question based on a nonsensical set of criteria I just invented! Now think about how smart I am for having pointed out that Whitney Houston was attractive and talented. (Smugly nodding.) (Smelling own fart and smugly nodding while flaring my nostrils.)

One of the many fascinating subplots of the mid-80s:

Decades don't have plots or subplots. No matter how spectacularly you failed in your quest to become a Hollywood writer, you can't make up for it by pretending that everything in the world is part of a narrative.

you had a male singer (Jackson), a female singer (Whitney), a boxer (Mike Tyson), a baseball pitcher (Dwight Gooden) and an actor/comedian (Eddie Murphy) who peaked at precociously young ages, convinced us they were headed toward becoming the "greatest (fill in the genre) of all time" … only none of them made it. Not one.

Fucking puh-leeze. Shit happens all the time. Let's try the late 90s since I'm pretty familiar with them there days. R. Kelly, the Spice Girls (yes I went there), I'm subbing in Terrell Davis for a boxer because fuck it who's going to stop me, Kerry Wood, Chris Farley. Fine. Laugh all you want, I put the Spice Girls on there and didn't have a boxer. The point is, much as he is convinced that he is at the center of the universe, unexploited talent is not something unique to Bill's prep school days.

I would argue Whitney barely edges out Gooden as the biggest tragedy of the five.

No one worth listening to would disagree, because comparing a vocalist to a pitcher is fucking stupid.

Eddie had a phenomenal nine-year run of SNL episodes, movies and comedy specials before his movie career went Barry Zito on us.

He's like Ryan Reynolds! Not a real movie star!

Tyson had a number of memorable fights and made such an impact that I have been pushing for ESPN to have "Tyson Week" (like Shark Week) for this entire decade. Jackson had all the Jackson 5 stuff, "Off the Wall," "Thriller" and "Bad" before things started getting weird. But Whitney should have been the black Streisand:

What?

an iconic singer/actress who aged with her audience, lasted for decades and was mentioned in the first breath any time someone asked, "Who were the biggest female performers ever?"

There are much better ways to express that than "Black Streisand."

Instead, it was over for her in eight years. Incredible.

Let's take a quick break and make sure everyone is soaking this up. Not just the content of Bill's answer, but also the fact that Grantland dug it up and got it linked on the front page of ESPN.com last week. Bask in the amazingnessity, readers of the guy who knows his readers... this man, in the year 2009, was prepared to tell us that Whitney Houston squandered her talent and never became what she could have.

Wow.

(Picking lint from my belly button.)

Anyway, let's say 1985 Whitney shows up for Idol tryouts next January. Only 21 years old, she comes out for her audition, smiles at the judges and belts out "Saving All My Love" like she does in this Letterman clip. Can you imagine the reaction? Wouldn't the judges have been a stammering puddle like Letterman was after that? I say '85 Whitney pulls away from the field like Secretariat in the Belmont, trounces '05 John Mayer, crushes Alicia Keys, obliterates the Maroon 5 guy. … Nobody touches her. Not for a second.

Finally! The argument as to whether or not a talented attractive singer could succeed on a show geared towards talented attractives singers is settled! You're welcome, America. If you need Bill, he'll be in his trailer, settling this whole federal budget mess.

One last Whitney story because I think it explains the "you had to be there" aspect of Whitney's brief apex.

Please let this be about his own experience listening to Houston. Please please please. This guy is convinced that the world turns because he walks on it. No way can he pass up the opportunity to tell us what his Whitney Houston listening experience was like. C'monnnnnnn

My father took me

TOUCHDOWN PATRIOTS!

to visit Tufts University right around the time her first album came out.

Now tell us about a Celtics game he took you to!

Dad was looking for parking

(Riveted to this scandalous tale.)

and "Saving All My Love" had just come on the radio. About halfway through the song, he found a spot and I thought we were getting out of the car.

(Eating popcorn.)

He told me to hold on until the end of the song. When I made fun of him, he explained simply, "Whitney really belts it out in this one."

Move over, Mike Brady! There's a new paragon of fatherly wisdom on the scene.

You have to know my dad.

I feel like I do at this point. He's the guy who, after Boston teams won like twenty titles last decade, wept with relief when the Bruins won the 2011 Stanley Cup because he was worried he'd die without seeing another one after the Cup they won alllllllll the way back in 1972. (Eat your hearts out, Cleveland/Buffalo/Seattle/etc. fans.) I'd like to attack him with a hammer.

He never, EVER says things like this. And you know what? He was right.

Man, I feel like I was right there with you in the car during this boring and probably fabricated conversation.

I didn't even challenge it. I just don't think there's ever been another singer who would have kept two people in their car during a random winter day in New England like that.

"Random" is the new favorite word for boring people with poor vocabularies. Sit in a quiet coffee shop or bar for 15 minutes and you'll probably hear 4 or 5 people use it. And they'll probably be vapid 20somethings, or Bill Simmons. At this point I'd also like to congratulate myself for making it almost all the way through this post without a single "Boston is full of racists so how could you enjoy Whitney Houston" joke.

Just Whitney.

Three years ago this zilcheroo proclaimed that a very famous performer well-known for destroying her career with bad decisions did in fact destroy her career with bad decisions. In a development that surprised exactly no one, decisions of a similar nature killed her last week. And so we get to read about how bad decisions destroyed her life... one more time. This is the journalistic equivalent of printing your own money. It's obscene. Just fucking kill me before this guy gets any more popular and powerful.

Wow, that's racist! Well not racist, but man, it's pretty fucking dumb

I subscribe to the NFL RedZone channel. It's amazing. Everything about it rules. No commercials. Only exciting plays. The opportunity to feel like I'm watching six games at once- sort of like being in a crowded sports bar on a Sunday afternoon, without all the douchetard Cowboys, Steelers, and Patriots fans there whooping it up and making everyone around them stupider by osmosis.

Another great part of it is host/quasi commentator Scott Hanson. Scott rules. He narrates, runs down some of the exciting stories from the day, occasionally does play-by-play for whatever game is on, often provides color commentary or fantasy football advice, and is always quick-witted and sharp. He talks for six hours straight which is pretty impressive in and of itself; the fact that he does it well is even more incredible. Which is why it really surprised me (as well as pissed me off) when he said this about a Peyton Hillis TD run last Sunday:

And there's Peyton Hillis, reminding us of Mike Alstott.

Here are the ways in which Hillis should remind us of Alstott: they're both white. Here are the ways in which Hillis should not remind us of Alstott: the position each played, their running styles, the situations in which their team used them, and just generally what they looked like while playing football (ON A FOOTBALL FIELD AS PART OF A FOOTBALL TEAM IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE).

Hanson is far from the only moron sportscaster making this kind of claim. It's just frustrating that he had to join their ranks since he's such a badass otherwise. But really, come on. Let's try to look past race and look at ability when comparing players who play (roughly) the same position. Does Seneca Wallace remind you of Byron Leftwich? Does Kirk Hinrich remind you of John Stockton? Does every Asian baseball player remind you of a young Ichiro? Then you're stupid. Go throw yourself out of a moving ferris wheel.

Just show some awareness, people. It's OK to admit that not every white guy who carries the ball is Mike Alstott, and not every white guy who catches passes is Brandon Stokley.

I'm Busy These Days

But I think enough random clutter has accumulated in my brain from the past few days to justify a post.

1) Besides my dream girl Le Ann Schreiber, E:60 might be the best thing ESPN has going for it. No, it's not perfect- I realize not everyone is going to agree on the quality of the reporters. Some people hate Jeremy Schaap, others don't care for Lisa Salters. Whatever. I for one like all of them in this particular capacity, especially Tom Farrey. (I think we can all agree that Rachel Nichols is an absolute disaster when she's doing pregame reports on Sportscenter. But like I said, she does alright for herself here.) The stories they cover are almost always entertaining, and I don't mind the cheesy "production meeting" background setting. Consider me an E:60 fan. If it's on, I'm watching it. Without complaining. Which, as you may or may not be able to guess, is a pretty rare occurence.

2) Fuck. Ing. Hell. Tony Kornheiser- you are the absolute bottom-of-the-barrel, biggest piece of poop, worst TV commentator of all time. The worst. I can no longer watch Monday Night Football with the sound on because of you. (Which is unfortunate, because Mike Tirico and Ron Jaworski are reasonably good together.) You're OK on PTI. Actually, I think PTI has been getting a little stale lately, but it's still a good forum for you. And your writing ranges from above average to below average. But your MNF performance... oh my God. Just shut up. You're atrocious. STOP ASKING RHETORICAL QUESTIONS. (Re: Reggie Bush: "Wow, how good is this guy?") THAT DOESN'T WORK WHEN YOU'RE COMMENTATING A LIVE SPORTING EVENT. Jesus leghumping Christ. ESPN- get someone else. Anyone else. I don't care if it's Joe Morgan. Just get this clown out of the booth.

3) I'm really looking forward to the ALCS as televised by TBS. You know why? Because Buck Martinez will be in the booth. I don't know if you watched much or any of the Angels/Red Sox ALDS... but the guy is even worse while calling a game than he is on XM. I didn't get a chance to liveblog any of those ALDS games, but please believe I will block out at least one evening this time around. The guy is too awful to miss.

4) Speaking of which, I am pooping in a cardboard box and mailing it to the next writer or announcer who points out that player X "doesn't care if he goes 0 for 5, as long as his team wins!" Oh yeah, you fucking think? In the playoffs, especially? You're trying to tell me that these guys would rather advance closer to a ring and a hefty World Series bonus check than bloop in a couple singles and go home after the first round? Fuck you and your crazy brain. That's bonkers. Here's a list of players who would place individual accomplishments over team success in the playoffs: Ricky Davis. That's it. (Note: two shits in two separate boxes if the player referenced by the writer/announcer in the above situation is Dustin Pedroia. He's small, he's white, he plays for the Red Sox, the media loves him, WE FUCKING GET IT.)

Have a nice Wednesday! TMQR forthcoming sometime tomorrow. Hopefully.

There Is Something Fundamentally Wrong With America

This post started as an attempt to debunk Dustin Pedroia's AL MVP candidacy. Because he plays for the Red Sox, and I hate short white people (because I am a quasi-tall white person), and blah blah blah. Disappointingly, however, my extensive research revealed that he would be an OK choice for the award. Maybe not the best choice, mind you; but a decent choice. And now that Carlos Quentin is hurt, possibly the best choice from a playoff bound team. But anyways, that was how this post started.

How did it finish? With me realizing that many baseball writers, players, and fans in this country have a problem. A problem that infuriates the likes of me. They simply can't acknowledge that some players are MVP candidates because they are good at the fundamental parts of baseball- hitting, pitching, and fielding. They can't do it. That would be too simple/boring/unfulfilling. Instead, they have to resort to the kind of bullshit that fills up the vast majority of this article.

The Dustin Pedroia-for-MVP bandwagon continues to fill up, with comments over the weekend by Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen providing a big push in momentum.

It's true, sometimes sound bites have an impact on these races. Jimmy Rollins pretty much won the 2007 NL MVP by making his famous division-winning guarantee. A little bit different, because that sound bite came straight from the player's mouth, but you know what I mean.

Guillen went on and on about the Red Sox second baseman, saying:

What's he going to say? That Pedroia's OPSing almost 1.000 since June 1st? That he's got a WARP1 of 8.6 and an EqA of .301? OK, it's probably unfair to expect Ozzie to delve deeply into this kind of analysis. However, did he really have to say-

“I’m a big fan. I love the way he plays. If 90 percent of the players played the way he does, I would pay for a ticket to watch baseball. The way he plays, this kid, that’s the way people should be playing every day.”

What. The fuck. Are you talking about. I guess if I had to cull that sentence down to something slightly less confusing, it would be: he plays the game the way it was meant to be played. Fantastic. There's your MVP, right there.

Suddenly the chants of “MVP, MVP,” heard at Fenway and from Sox fans on the road seems like more than just cheerleading. The possibility of Pedroia actually winning the award seems more and more real.

Like I already said, I guess so. Too bad. Tragic for the likes of me, but certainly fair to say.

“I told him that I’m going to paint an ‘S’ on his chest,” Sox outfielder Mark Kotsay said.

More strange than annoying.

Pedroia’s opponents likely wouldn’t argue with the Superman analogy.

“I think it’s well deserved, I think he can win it,” Baltimore first baseman Kevin Millar said of the MVP possibility.

Please elaborate.

“I think he’s a hell of a ballplayer. He plays bigger than he is.

And this was the point where I started to realize: we have a problem. We can't just say that guys are good. We have to talk about meaningless bullshit. We can't stay away from it. We need the Ecksteins, we need the Erstads. Even when a player is legitimately great, we have to find ways to turn it into feely-good shitpie.

He plays Gold Glove defense.

Points for trying.

He does everything you can ask anyone to do on the baseball field.

Who, besides maybe Milton Bradley or Carl "Jurassic" Everett, doesn't fit that description? How many guys are in the Major Leagues, among the top .00001% of baseball players in the whole world, and don't do everything asked of them? This is useless. Tell me something about how good he is at baseball.

Pitcher Paul Byrd has been dazzled by Pedroia during his brief time with the Sox. “This guy in my opinion is the MVP of the league,” Byrd said.

Because...

“He’s unbelievable. I didn’t know he was that good when I came over here. The guy plays hard, he dives, he plays great defense.

He plays hard. He dives. Stupendous. He hits the ball too, you know. He bats. Usually four or five times a game. And he's pretty good at it.

I feel like I’ve got two guys playing second base.

I wanted to make a joke about a baseball player with multiple personality syndrome here, but I couldn't think of any. Wrong sport, but Herschel Walker, anyone? Too soon?

“He gets the big hit when it counts. (He is a) clutch player.

His 2008 OPS with 2 ours and RISP: .689. (He has been extremely good in "late and close" sitiations, for what it's worth.)

I just can’t say enough about him.

Maybe if you keep going, you'll say something substantive.

As he goes, we go.”

You forgot to point out that he plays larger than he is.

For teammate Alex Cora, that’s what drives Pedroia and best defines his quality as a player: Everything he does is aimed at helping the team win.

That selfish A-Rod never does anything like that. Not even Jimmy Rollins is that unselfish. In fact, you might be surprised to learn this, but the vast majority of baseball players don't give a shit whether or not their teams win. They're just out there, collecting paychecks and scanning the crowd for floozies. (Especially if they are taller than 5'10" and/or not white.)

“The bottom line is he shows up every day and plays,” Cora said.

Grady Sizemore rarely makes it to the ballpark anymore these days. Even when he does, he usually just sits in the clubhouse and plays with a Rubiks Cube.

“He doesn’t care how many hits he gets. All he wants to do is anything he can to make a difference and help us win a game.”

Probably the best way for him to do that: get hits.

“You thought Roberto Alomar was an MVP-type of player?” Cora said of the former Blue Jays star, who received MVP votes in seven seasons.

Is... is that rhetorical? Are you asking the interviewer, or the reader?

“That’s what were talking about right here. What we saw when Robbie was in Toronto, that’s what we’re seeing here from Pedroia. Same type of player.

This is another one of the disappointing parts of the article. I was going to blow this assertion out of the water. Then I looked up the numbers, and... yeah, it's a mildly fair comparison. Not quite the same player, but close. Alomar was generally better in his near-MVP seasons, but not by enough of a degree to make me make a big deal out of it. Crap. Well, let me get back to making delicious ballpark lemon Squishys (tm) out of lemons.

“But you know what? If you ask him, would he trade this MVP talk for us being in first place right now in the East and all set for the playoffs, that’s what he’d want.

On the other hand, if you told Cliff Lee (who leads the AL in WARP1, for what it's worth) that he could either have the MVP or a playoff berth, I think it's totally obvious he would opt for the former. Playoffs? Who the fuck wants to go to the playoffs?

Winning, that’s all that important to him.”

Not like that self-important guy playing 3rd base for the Yankees. No sir. SOMEONE TALK ABOUT HIS HITTING, PLEASE. FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK- HE'S A GOOD HITTER.

Yeah, but he better get used to the MVP chants. They aren’t going to stop anytime soon.

Since the article ends on this point and I haven't done so yet, this is where I have to make fun of the no-name staff writer for a no-name publication who wrote this article. Nice conclusion, asshole. I hope the Boston Herald fires you and you have to go back to writing for a shitty blog like this one. You stink. Here's my slightly less awful conclusion:

Dear America,

Really, I promise it's OK to praise a short, white baseball player for being good at baseball. You don't just have to say he plays hard, or always has dirt on his uniform, or would kill a man with a butter knife just for the chance to lay down a sacrifice bunt. You can just say: hey, he's a good hitter. It's not that fucking hard.

Sincerely,

Bitter and Unfunny Parents' Basement Guy

What To Expect From The Media Re: Tonight's Championship Game (In Pictures)

Not much, truthfully. I don't see most of them getting excited about it all. Why? Well, Saturday's semifinals were a disaster from their standpoint. First, this guy got eliminated:



And then, a few hours later, so did this guy:



I mean, now who are they supposed to touch themselves while thinking about? This guy?



I mean, sure, he's white... but is he white enough? His name sounds kind of Muslim-ish. (Yes, the picture is homoerotic, I know. It was the best one of him I could find.) And with Memphis not offering a single player that's interesting from this angle, like I already said, I can really see the media overlooking the game and simply moving on to other stories. Too bad. A Love vs. Hansbrough showdown would have spawned some epic puff pieces.

Oh, speaking of moving on to other stories... I don't know if you've heard, but someone's already thinking about a comeback! Yayyyyyy! Peter King, step down from that ledge. Everything's going to be ok.