Jerry Crasnick's "Sources" are Usually Idiots

Does he choose these miserable quotes intentionally? His "Starting 9" columns in and of themselves have been getting better over the last couple of years (probably because he stopped choosing topics like "best bunters" and "best players under 5'6"), but man, the people he quotes to reinforce his choices continue to sound like a bunch of tards. This installment of the column is about guys who are having underappreciatedly awesome seasons. I agree with most of the picks, but check out what some knowledgeable "baseball people" had to say about them.

Re: Ben Zobrist

Some people in Tampa have noticed that when Zobrist completes his swing from the left side, he has a follow-through similar to Ted Williams'. We kid you not.

Wow. First of all, why is Jerry channeling the first person plural douchebaggery of Will Leitch? Second of all- comparing the swing of a Hall of Famer to that of [player X] is just about the most useless, subjective, anecdotal way to hype up [player X]. Don't do it. Ever.

Re: Russell Branyan

"After Russell was out there for seven to 10 days this spring, Don told me, 'This guy has a good swing. How the heck does he strike out so much?'" Zduriencik said.

The "Don" quoted there is Mariners manager Don Wakamatsu. As in, a guy who gets paid good money to make decisions about baseball players. And somehow he can't seem to figure out (or allegedly can't seem to figure out) why this player has struck out in more than 40% of his career at bats. Hmmm. Here are a couple suggestions: 1) He's a big guy so he probably has a very long swing, and 2) he probably swings at a lot of terrible pitches, and 3) he might not have a very good eye. But don't mind me, I'm just camped down here in my mother's basement, avoiding girls and sunlight and lobbing steroid accusations at Raul Ibanez.

"He's sustained it for this length of time, and I believe it's going to continue. I don't see anything fluke-ish about it."

Referring to his great season so far? You don't see anything fluke-ish about a guy with a career .237 BA in more than 2500 PAs hitting .308 over the course of a couple months, at age 33? Interesting. Enjoy the ride, M's fans.

Re: Jason Bartlett

The Tampa Bay chapter of the Baseball Writers Association named Bartlett the team's MVP last season after he posted a .690 OPS, so that gives you an idea what he means defensively to the Rays.

What. A. Bunch. Of. Dickheads.

"He's my favorite player on that club because he does something different every day to beat you," an NL scout said.

Interesting. If I were a scout, my favorite Ray would be Evan Longoria, because he's fucking awesome at everything. But I guess Bartlett is OK too.

Re: Marco Scutaro

"He's another example of how the real baseball players have caught up with the cheaters as they've detoxified," an NL scout said, only half in jest.

I hope he was saying it fully in jest, because if he was saying it even 1% seriously, he should be stripped of his job and shot into deep space. Scutaro is slugging .429 this year- and he's never cleared .400 for a full season in his career before.

Ryan Madson, speaking re: Ryan Madson

"When you have success like that, you come to believe in yourself," Madson said. "I can't give enough credit to pitching in the playoffs and World Series and the confidence it gave me. I feel more in control, more calm and focused out there now."

Kind of sounds like he's making a sales pitch for an anti-depressant.

Re: Mark Reynolds

"I give him a lot of credit," Arizona GM Josh Byrnes said. "Everybody focuses on the strikeouts, but he plays good defense,

By any measure, from ones as simple as errors (34 last year) or fielding percentage (just a hair over .900) to ones as complex as total fielding runs above average (-7.0), Reynolds is a complete butcher in the field.

he runs the bases

You cannot play a non-pitching position for a baseball team without doing this.

and he's one of our toughest players.

Watch out, Eckstein. It's great that you're playing for the Padres now, but there's a new gritty grinder in the NL West.

He does a lot of things to help us win."

Please don't include his defense or his ability to run the bases amongst those things.

Baseball Grab Bag

Or should I say, baseball copout/mail-it-in post. I'm having a little trouble finding full, intact awful articles right now. That doesn't mean there aren't snippets of dumbassery and wrongness floating around though.

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Tuesday on Baseball Tonight, after the cast finishes watching highlights of the Royals' 9-3 dismantling of the Indians-

John Kruk: Can I change my pick to win the AL Cental?
Karl Ravech: Did... did you have the Indians?
Kruk: Yeah. I need to change that.
Karl: Wow, John, that was pretty ballsy of you. (See what he did there?)

OK, Karl didn't really say that last one. That would just be mean. But the first three lines are legit. Really, Kruk? The Indians? I mean, I understand the division doesn't have a clear favorite. But you might not want to go with the team that limped to a .500 finish last year even after getting an unbelievable, certainly unrepeatable performance out of a random usually-crappy pitcher. You might also want to pick a team which can actually play defense, and which has a decent bullpen. Just my thoughts.

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Earlier tonight, during a discussion about Jackie Robinson's career and accomplishments, the usually-reliable Ravech talked about how Robinson died tragically in a plane crash. No, Karl, pretty much any decent baseball fan knows that was Roberto Clemente. Close, though. (He corrected himself after a commercial break just a few minutes later.)

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This is extremely old, but since this is a lazy post, I might as well reach all the way back to the weekend. During Sunday Night Baseball everyone's favorite quasi-racist analyst, Joe Morgan (has he mentioned what an undeserved raw deal Barry Bonds and Gary Sheffield get from the media recently?) was praising Alfonso Soriano for Soriano's ability to hit home runs. At some point the following tumbled out of his confused mouth:

I mean, even though he's in the leadoff spot, I like his power. He led off the game with a solo home run tonight. That's a run, right there!

That is correct. Good.

I mean, I would rather have that than a run-scoring single when a guy is on second base.

Well, in one case you get a run and the bases are empty. In the other you get a run AND you get another guy on base. So I can totally see why you'd prefer the former. Obviously, Joe's brain is too small to think through and compare those two scenarios. I guess what he was trying to say is that he likes home runs. Can't disagree there! Someone give Joe an ice cream or a box of popcorn or a shiny thing to keep him busy for a while.

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Our favorite ESPN grit-loving analyst, one Jerry E. Crasnick (the "E" stands for Eckstein, his favorite player of all time) has a new article out about guys you've never heard of who had to scrimp and scrap and grit their way onto major league rosters. Jerry has a little bit of TMQ in him in that regard. Who gives a shit about good players? I want to hear more about shitty players who are just barely teetering on the brink of being employed as professional athletes. Here is a collection of choice snippets from that article.

-According to the Seattle Times, Jakubauskas sold Christmas gifts at Nordstrom and worked for a cement company to pay the bills while playing independent ball. Judging from his performance in the Cactus League, his department store clerking days are history.

Someone get Rick Reilly on this story. This guy doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit!" Except when it comes to quitting his cement company job. Or maybe he's still holding that down to make a couple bucks on the side, who knows?

-"My legs were shaking a little bit," he told Tom Krasovic of The San Diego Union Tribune.

That's what Albert Pujols said, referring to when he- oh wait, no, Albert Pujols has never said that. Only guys who know full well that they shouldn't be in the bigs say this kind of stuff.

-He violated minor league baseball's drug policy with Triple-A Buffalo, and achieved a degree of notoriety as a Rochester Red Wing when he lost a 50-yard match race with that lovable thoroughbred loser, Zippy Chippy.

More fodder for Reilly.

-"He called his dad and his wife, and I had to get away from him because it looked like he was close to tears," manager Dusty Baker told the Dayton Daily News.

How'd this get into the article? Crying isn't gritty.

-He struggled with the elements and had a rough outing defensively in center field. But he went 3-for-9 at the plate in his first five games in Cincinnati, and he's still hanging around.

Not for much longer, because he (I don't care who it is, if he's featured in a Crasnick article he probably sucks) probably sucks.

-It appeared his playing days were over in October 2007 when he severed the thumb and three fingers on his throwing hand in a table saw accident while making a window frame in his garage. A hand specialist reattached the four digits, but not without complications: There was a difference of opinion when Hill insisted he would be ready to play by spring training of 2008, and the doctor tempered his euphoria with some distressing news. "Right before surgery, the doctor told him the tendons near his pinkie finger might be a problem and delay his return," said Cubs general manager Jim Hendry. "So Koyie told him, 'If you get in there and that's an issue, just cut the pinkie off. I can play without it.' True story."

His pain threshold is also off the charts.

He should be well suited for MMA fighting then. Oh, what's that? He's a baseball player? Hmm, that probably won't do much for him.

-In eight big league seasons, Miller has established himself as a walking Jayson Stark blog item for his ineptitude with a bat. The nadir came from 2004 through 2006, when he endured a 1-for-55 funk with Cincinnati, Minnesota and Boston. For those keeping score at home, that's a batting average of .018.

For those keeping score at home, here's a guy who almost definitely has no place playing major league baseball.

-But all the starters are right-handed and he's a lefty, so manager Ken Macha should find a way to work him in here and there.

Ah, the essence of the subjects of this article- their ceiling is to play occasionally, possibly because of a lineup idosyncracy.

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Finally, I thought this was pretty hilarious. Jayson Stark writes a somewhat entertaining column throughout the baseball season called "Useless Information." It's a collection of just that, all kinds of weird stats and factoids (based on events that happened in games during the previous week or so) you'd never know how to find on your own. So naturally this week, re: the Dodgers' Orlando Hudson, and the cycle he recently hit for by the 6th inning:

But the only cyclist we know of who completed his cycle any faster than that was Gregg Jefferies, who went cycling by the fifth inning on Aug. 25, 1995. (Andy Van Slyke's great quip after that game: "He could have done it twice. He could have had the bi-cycle.")

But here's our question: Was Jefferies the quickest cyclist in history? If you can help, let us know at uselessinfodept@yahoo.com.

Dude. You're the one writing the column, who presumably has access to a stats department and at least a couple of interns. I'm going to leave this one to you.

And of course, watch me look like an ass when next week's column features twelve diligent readers who did the research and wrote in to help Jayson out with his question.

OK, that's all for now, I'll be less lazy next time! Maybe! I hate to beg for tips, but if you've got 'em, send 'em. Also, if anyone knows where the other guys who write for this blog are, let them know that I could use a hand around here every fucking other week or so.

No, I'm Not Dead, Part II

I've been more vigilant than you guys probably thought this past week and a half or so. The problem is that Jay Mariotti is over in China writing about the Olympics and such, and besides the fact that I think Michael Phelps is a complete toolbox (seriously, who rides around in a car with a stack of T-shirts, puts each on one at a time, takes it off, and throws it to the crowd? Maybe I'm just jealous that he can pound 10,000 calories per day and look SO GOOD!), I really don't have anything to say about those events.

Anyway, let's do a JerryChat. You see, he's not highly regarded enough to be limited to insiders.

Tuesday's topic, courtesy of John in Herndon, Va.:
'With the Twins taking three of four from the White Sox over the weekend, and Chicago's ballooning ERA, who will win the AL Central: Chicago, Minnesota, or possibly Detroit?'

I can hear you all groaning. Yes, it's more crap about the White Sox. AL Central stuff. I know. Riveting. A little-known fact* about me: I'm a Toronto Blue Jays fan.

THE CASE FOR THE WHITE SOX

They have a bunch of veterans still around from the 2005 World Series season, so they know what it takes to fight through the tough times.

Delmon Young, on the other hand, has never faced any adversity ever.

The bullpen is strong (in theory) with Octavio Dotel and Scott Linebrink in the seventh and eighth innings and Bobby Jenks in the ninth. Jose Contreras is about to come off the disabled list and rejoin the rotation, and Linebrink has begun a throwing program in his recovery from a shoulder problem.

I just copied this to give everyone a nice timeframe for this article.

THE CASE FOR THE TWINS
After hearing for more than a month that they're destined to fade, the Twins are starting to believe they're for real.

I can imagine an early July discussion between Joe Mauer and Carlos Gomez.

Joe: We can't keep this up. Our batting average with runners in scoring position is insane. We're getting by on 4 overperforming #3 starters and the ghost of Livan Hernandez. Sure, Liriano might come back, but who knows if he'll be good? There's very little chance.

Carlos: Plus, don't forget what that PECOTA thingy said. Oh shit, I'm fading, man!

Fast forward to today:

Joe and Carlos (together, holding hands, frolicking through a field of posies): We're starting to believe in ourselves! We're better than before!

That's exactly how it happened. I promise. And it's the best argument possible for why the Twins will win the division.

Despite hitting only 79 homers -- a little more than half Chicago's total of 154 -- the Twins have scored 553 runs, exactly the same as the White Sox.

And this doesn't scream "fluke" to you? The White Sox even have a slightly higher OBP!

Yes, Minnesota's rotation is young and inexperienced, and the Twins' inability to replace injured setup man Pat Neshek could come back to haunt them. The schedule also works in Chicago's favor.

Pretty irrelevant, fairly important, VERY important. Followed up by....

But there's something to be said for

Oh God...

karma

What?

fresh legs

No no no...wait. Stop. Go back to that other one. The karma thing.

What???

Karma???

Are the White Sox notoriously evil and the Twins notoriously a bunch of kind-hearted souls? What are you driving at here, Crasnick?

Okay, I've reacted enough. Next stupid thing!

fresh legs

Is having 2 injured starting position players as opposed to one for the White Sox a good case for this? "Fast legs," maybe, but fresh? Paul Konerko's fresher than Mentos, he's just fucking slow.

and good arms

White Sox ERA: 3.91
Twins ERA: 4.27

How do you measure good arms, Jerry?

and the Twins have the edge in each of those commodities

No, they absolutely do not. This is an irrefutable fact. The one they're most clearly behind in is the last one, which is probably the only important one.

This is one of those 51 vs. 49 percent calls, but we'll go with the underdog and take Minnesota.

pnoles: Hey Jerry, who's gonna win the Central?

Jerry Crasnick: Well eh...the White Sox have the best chance of winning, so I predict Minnesota.

SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Hey guys, Everybody knows about the Midwest bias here at ESPN. Today it's all about the American League Central. Let's get started ...

I hope to God that was a joke. I'm thinking it probably was (and if it was, good one), but can you imagine if he really thinks there's a midwest bias at ESPN?

Tim (Lawrence, KS): Who would win a Prince Fielder-Manny Parra smackdown?

SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Tim, I'd have to put my money on the big, power-hitting vegetarian at first base.

I'm printing this because it's the one correct answer that Jerry gives.

Matt (Syracuse): This one is a no brainer. Minnesota has inexperienced pitchers, while the White Sox hold one of the most powerful offenses in the league. With the addition of Griffey in the lineup, the White Sox will gel and pull away from the Twins in the AL Central, eventually winning the American League.

SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Matt, The White Sox might have one of the most powerful offenses in the league, but they've scored 553 runs -- exactly the same as the Twins (who've played one more game).

We've been over this. Pretty damn lucky.

Chicago does it with power and Minnesota has done it with speed and timely hitting.

"Chicago does it with a skill thing, Minnesota does it with a skill thing of lesser value and a luck thing."

Which one do YOU think will hang on?

Everybody keeps saying the Twins are a mirage with that .317 average with runners in scoring position.

What morons....

But we've been saying it for weeks now, and they're still hanging around.

Easy schedule, still good luck, etc. Only one road series in the past 4 weeks that wasn't against one of the 3 worst teams in the AL.

Pablo, Los angeles, CA.: I am a White Sox fan(I don't know Why) but I agree with you The Sox don't play with the heart the Twins do. And unless they get another pitcher and speedy player, the Twins will teach The Chisox another lesson, and break our hearts AGAIN.

SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Pablo, I thought I'd get savaged by White Sox fans for picking the Twins, but I've had a few people post the same sentiment as you -- that some intangible ingredient is missing from this year's White Sox. And if things don't get better, you have to think the pressure will be ratcheted up in Chicago. The Twins, on the other hand, have every reason to be loose. Nobody expects them to be here.

Oh yeah, every expert was picking the White Sox to take the Central before the season. Everyone totally expected this. Twins play loose, White Sox play under pressure. Provable. Intelligent. Analysis.

Matt (IN): How much do you think the Twins road trip due to the national convention will come into play here? Thanks

SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Matt, I asked Ron Gardenhire about it a month ago, and he said it would be great because the Twins would get "a lot of meal money.'' Let's put it this way: He's not going to let it become an issue.

Oh, so that's how you determine whether a long road trip will negatively affect the team. "Hey Ron Gardenhire, is your team gonna crash and burn on your road trip?" "Oh yeah, Jerry, totally! We're screwed! We suck on the road!"

Since the Twins are such a young club, I think it might have less of a negative impact than it would on an older club.

Oh. My. Giddy. Aunt.

This is quite possibly the biggest double-standard in baseball journalism. If you want to argue for a young team, say that they'll get by on their energy. If you want to argue against a young team, just claim their inexperienced! Why can't I just say, "Hey Jerry, if the Twins were a little more experienced, wouldn't that lessen the negative impact of the road trip?"

You owe me the biggest fucking explanation of all time for this one. HOW DOES THE AGE OF THE TWINS AFFECT HOW THEY PLAY ON AN EXTENDED ROADTRIP, YOU FUCKING ASSHAT?

Dustin,(Moore, ok): Everyone has said all year ...The twins will fade, they are a year away, this is a rebuilding year, ect...When will people realize that talent and good coaching are a part of this as well, and actually give the twins credit instead of waiting for them to fail?

SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Dustin, It makes sense that a team that's middle-of-the-pack in OBP and slugging is going to have a hard time producing runs by continuing to hit .317 with runners in scoring position. But now that we're in August, it's time to acknkowledge that the Twins aren't a fluke.

So there have been zero fluky teams in history to still be in contention in August. Huh. Makes sense. Kind of like the 2007 Mariners. They were in it this late, and they weren't a fluke, and all they had to do was add Erik Bedard and Carlos Silva for their tremendous 2008 World Championship run. Because they weren't a fluke.

Ted (Minneapolis): Do you think that Ron Gardenhire should have some say as the manager of the year? Since he has taken the Twins this far without one of the best pitchers of the game in Santana?

I would like to point out that the manager of every contending team in baseball except Jerry Manuel has accomplished this feat.

SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Ted, He should get some consideration, but Joe Maddon of Tampa Bay is still the frontrunner.

Make that two correct answers. Even if Joe Maddon is kind of stupid.

Daniel (Chicago, IL): It seems to me that the Sox's inability to score runs without the long ball is a real red flag that will hurt them immensely if they get cold down the stretch. You could argue that a team with so many power bats is immune to that, but that argument's been made and disproven for dozens of teams (see Chicago Cubs, 2004). The Twins, on the other hand, don't hit a ton of home runs but can still knock one out when they need to. Just my two cents.

Daniel seems to think that the Twins can hit a home run whenever they choose.

SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Daniel, We'll see. Three run homers are great, but it's hard to rely on them. The White Sox are a station to station team and they're going to be prone to fallow stretches when they're not hitting the ball out of the park.

April: 33 HR
May: 28 HR
June: 48 HR
July: 37 HR
Half of August: 19 HR
May record: 16-13

Seems pretty rock solid to me! Here's another theory. When you have tons of guys that hit tons of HR, including the top 2 guys in the league, you're pee-robably not going to go through that kind of stretch. Sound good? Good.

Patrick, Chicago: Jerry, im sorry to disagree with you and others who have said this team has no fight... We had a bad stretch in Minni and in KC, but do you not recal the dramtic (and crucial) come from behind wins IN DETROIT JUST LAST WEEKEND?? We have been doing it all year, this team does fight. The unsung key in all this is Javier Vazquez, who has the stuff to be a top flight starter, and has shown glimpses. His last start against the Royals was very good... if he gets on track with Danks and Floyd, the Sox will win the division.

This man just derailed Crasnick's entire fluff-based argument. Your response, Jerry?

SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Patrick, Glad to see some spunk from a White Sox fan. That's the spirit!

Beeee-youtiful.

*definition of "fact" is the sole discretion of me, myself, and I.

Just Stop, Jerry. Fucking Stop.

Continuing the wave of short posts here on FireJay....

Hey everyone! Did you ever wonder which baseball players are good at stealing bases! No? You don't have a clue? You're not really a fan and have been stuck under a rock? Great! Jerry Crasnick just wrote this just for you! Would you ever have suspected that Juan Pierre is one of the best base-stealers in the league? How about Jose Reyes? He's so far removed from the public spotlight that you might never have noticed that he swipes a TON of bases!

If that crap doesn't define useless, Crasnick. I don't know what does. This is officially the first column that was not either blatantly wrong or written poorly that has gotten me really, really, REALLY pissed off. You need to find something else to do for a living, Jerry, because you're just flooding the world with stuff people didn't need you to tell them. I have no idea how ESPN doesn't notice just how little you contribute to the flow of baseball information and analysis.

This Is Not A Fake Jerry Crasnick Column

Title is a shout-out to pnoles' amusing spoof of a Crasnick column. Here's Jerry's latest, which reminds us of the old adage that the truth can be stranger than fiction.

I almost feel bad for ripping on Jerry Crasnick; his columns aren't meant to be serious. They're a lighthearted look at an under-represented idea/issue within the game of baseball. The problem is - Jerry's lightheartedness train goes past the "humor" junction and crashes right into the "infantile" depot. Let's take a look!"

In the quest to determine what it takes to be a good-hitting pitcher, we figured we'd glean some insight from an extremely bad-hitting pitcher. Luckily for us, Phillies broadcaster Larry Andersen had a few moments to kill before heading into the booth during the team's recent homestand.

Jerry is an unfunny guy with a lack of acumen for analyzing the important aspects of the game. But this section - totally irrelevant to the rest of the column, reminds us that Crasnick is a journalist because he has access to the insiders like Phillies broadcaster Larry Andersen. Larry Andersen's fame and glory prevent ordinary proletarians such as myself from getting close enough to glean parcels of wisdom which no doubt drip from his mouth like honey from a tobacco plant.

** Disclaimer**
I am not making up the following chart. Scroll up and click the link to see if I'm lying if you want to:

HIGHEST CAREER OPS (min. 75 plate appearances)
PLAYER	OPS
Babe Ruth	1.164
Ted Williams	1.116
Lou Gehrig	1.079
Micah Owings	*1.058
Barry Bonds	1.051
Albert Pujols	1.042
* -- .391 OBP, .667 SLG

I don't know what there is to say. This attempt at humor is lousy. But the thing is: maybe Micah Owings really is a better hitter than Barrold Bonds.

The real stats:
HIGHEST CAREER OPS:
1. Chuck Lindstrom 4.000
2. John Paciorek 2.000
HIGHEST CAREER FIELDING PERCENTAGE:
1. Moonlight Graham 1.000
4323 tied at 1.000
HIGHEST CAREER ON-BASE PERCENTAGE:
1. Eddie Gaedel 1.000
34 tied at 1.000
HIGHEST CAREER ERA:
1. Lino Urandeta ∞
19 tied at ∞

Moving on... the STARTING NINE!

Micah Owings, Diamondbacks

After watching Mets left-hander Pedro Feliciano throw two fastballs off the outside corner to Owings on Sunday, Diamondbacks broadcaster Mark Grace observed, "I've never seen a pitcher get pitched as carefully as Micah Owings does. He gets pitched like Gary Sheffield in his heyday."

"The wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for."
- Charles Dickens
"The baseball wisdom of Mark Grace is not in the simile, and his unhallowed hands should cease to disturb it, or the Game's done for"
- dan-bob

As a high school sophomore, Owings hit .630 with 21 home runs.

This is why I like Jerry Crasnick. He looked up Micah Owings' high school statistics. That's going the extra mile right there. Man, Micah Owings was a bad ass when he was fifteen!

There are some other pitchers on the list. For example, #2 a noted Chicago wit provides us with this quotable gem:

Zambrano's personal motto was, "If they hang 'em, somebody's gotta bang 'em."

That's what... she said?

#6 on the list is Adam Wainwright:

Wainwright's 87 career at-bats make for a small sample size, but he definitely knows what he's doing.

What? You care about small sample sizes in a joke column about pitchers' hitting? Jerry, make up your mind: are you serious about this business or not? I think I might actually be interested in a serious article evaluating the worth of good-hitting pitchers. But on to more mindless drivel!

#7 is Tim Hudson, who was apparently a big-time stud position player in his off-days in college. But Jerry includes this gem:

"It goes straight to being athletic," said a scout. "He can field his position, get a timely hit or lay down a bunt against a real tough pitcher. He's a baseball player."

He's a baseball player? I thought he was a ballerina, or a door-to-door encyclopedia salesman or a Vice President with time to burn. Damn. He IS a baseball player.

Here's a pet peeve of mine: Why are scouts NEVER identified in their articles? Journalists with access - like Jerry Crasnick - presumably leave them anonymous to protect their insider information. But seriously - every time I see a stupid-ass quotation like this, I want to know which team employs the scout so that if it is my favorite team I can phone them immediately and demand that that assclown is fired from his somewhat-desirable [I suppose] employment in professional sports.

#8 is Jason Marquis:

"He uses the whole field, and he understands what hitting is about," said a National League scout. "He takes a pretty good hack."

Goddamnit, Aaron Harang. Your career -52 OPS+ indicates that you do not know what hitting is about. Presumably, hitting the ball and running to first. This just in: scouts demand anonymity because they know their information is seventy-three percent anecdotal fucking hearsay.

Here is a picture of Jerry Crasnick. Yes, I realize it's hypocritical of me for using infantile insults while criticizing infantile humor. My feeble excuse is that I am not getting paid to write this. If I ever get paid to write, I'll do a much better job.

Till then, it's everyone's favorite palindrome: RACE CAR!

Starting 9

Hello! This is Jerry Crasnick, and I'm making a guest post here on Fire Jay Mariotti to present my weekly Starting 9!

Doubles. Home runs. Hits. Everything-but-sacrifices-walks-and-beanballs. What do all of these things have in common? You need to have an at-bat to accumulate ANY of them! It's a little-known fact that Jimmy Rollins set the MLB record for at-bats last season with 716, and propelled by his ability to get up to that plate and log at-bats at a tremendous pace, he won an MVP award. Also, when you go to MLB.com and go to the "Sortable Player Stats" page, how are all the players sorted by default? That's right. At-bats. No question they're important.

This week's edition of "Starting 9" takes a position-by-position look at the players who are the current frontrunners to take the at-bat crown by storm. In addition, we're going to assign a rating to each player on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being, "Hey, this guy's totally overachieving at-bat-wise, he has no prayer of keeping this up" nand 10 being, "Don't look now, Rollins, your record's in severe jeopardy!"

1. Ivan Rodriguez, Tigers C
(89 ABs, 1 triple)

Okay, so there were actually 3 guys who were worthy of the catcher's slot on this list. Brian McCann of Atlanta and Kurt Suzuki of Oakland both had the same number of at-bats. So why choose Rodriguez? Well, Rodriguez has logged his impressive 89 ABs in the fewest plate appearances of the three, needing only 98 (ouch, Brian McCann's 99). Rodriguez is simply one of the most effective players in the game at logging an at-bat when he gets up to that dish. However, his decline in effectiveness is concerning. He's already drawn 5 walks this year (he drew 9 all of last season), and he's even gotten hit by a pitch twice.

At-Bat Rating: 4 I-Rod has impressed the world by getting more than 500 ABs in each of his last 5 seasons. But he's a catcher, and while he's durable, he won't be able to log enough at-bats to be among the league leaders at season's end. Plus, he's batted near the top of the order plenty due to Curtis Granderson's early injury. That won't keep now that Granderson is back.

2. Derrek Lee, Cubs 1B
(103 ABs, 1 intentional walk)

You've gotta feel uneasy about this one. Lee seems to have it all. He bats 3rd in a lineup that scores a lot of runs. He has all the job security in the world. He draws an above-average, but not insane amount of those at-bat killing walks. So why worry? Well, as we know, Lee is fairly injury prone. You can't rack up at-bats from a stretcher. Plus, the steady Mark Teixeira is right on his heels, needing only one more at-bat to pull even with Lee. And Teixeira gets like 4 or 5 of those every game! Best of luck, Derrek.

At-Bat Rating: 2. If he's leading first basemen in at-bats when this season is done, I'll eat my hat. Luckily my hat is made out of candy.

3. Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox 2B
(111 ABs, 44 Total Bases)

Another one of those plate-appearance tiebreakers. Mark Ellis also has 111, but he's got one fewer plate appearance. Plus, there's something else that Pedroia has going for him. He's a leadoff hitter in a potent lineup. He's going to get a lot of At-Bat opportunities. Mark Ellis is only batting 2nd, and Oakland's lineup is more in a state of flux than that of the Red Sox. The fans love him, and he has all the job security in the world.

"Pedroia keeps himself in the best shape possible to avail himself to at-bat opportunities in every game," said one MLB scout. "You don't find that kind of determination in just anybody."

At-Bat Rating: 8.5. Good health + good lineup + best lineup spot for at-bats = Pedroia's got something special working for him in this category.

4. Cristian Guzman, Nationals SS
(110 ABs, 38 Groundouts)

Cristian Guzman being talked about for leading an offensive category? You betcha. Guzman has logged 4 more at-bats than the next closest shortstop in two less games. There's no question that this has been what has enabled Guzman to be 4th in the majors among shortstops in the "hits" category. What's the secret? Well for starters, he's a 2-hole hitter. Also, his at-bat efficiency is startlingly good. Guzman has logged 110 at-bats in 116 plate appearances. That's nearly a 95% clip, and it's his absolute refusal to draw a walk that helps him. Take a free pass? No sir! This guy's going to earn his way on!

At-Bat Rating: 6.5. Guzman, despite his awesome at-bat propelled start, has historically not been very good at baseball, and job security is all I'm worrying about here. He could tank. But MLB pitchers are just not afraid of him, and will rarely walk him with Zimmerman and Johnson right behind him.

5. Kevin Kouzmanoff, Padres 3B
(113 ABs, .327 SLG)

Ladies and gentlemen, your current 2008 at-bat champion of the world! Kouz leads fellow 3rd basemen Garrett Atkins by one at-bat, despite drawing one more walk (3) than Atkins (2). Kouzmanoff has not had less than 4 at-bats in a game since April 7th, and that stretch includes a stunning 9-at-bat performance in the seemingly endless game against Colorado on April 17th.

"His ability," commented teammate Jake Peavy, "to stay in the lineup that day was remarkable. He never got pinch ran for, never got double-switched. It was almost as if he was willing [Bud Black] to keep running him out there. And what did he do? Led the team in hits."

At-Bat Rating: 1.5. There's no way that Kouz can continue to avoid the base-on-balls. He's always been good at that, but never THIS good. Also, if he continues to perform this poorly, Chase Headley may threaten his starting job. And let's not forget, 22 inning games are a fluke.

6. Carl Crawford, Rays LF
(110 AB, 1 Caught Stealing)

Crawford leads all outfielders in at-bats despite trailing his closest competitors for that title in games played. He's a very exciting player who hasn't had less than 584 at-bats in the past 5 years. Crawford is also younger than you might think (26) and doesn't seem to have the off-field problems of other Rays (a bar fight, Al Reyes? Really?) and former Rays. Being the face of the franchise won't hurt his playing time. Oh and lets not forget the best part: 2 walks this year. Crawford has only been to the plate 113 times. That's the highest efficiency on this list.

At-Bat Rating: 8. Crawford has had a history of walkophobia, and as a fan-favorite who finds himself in the 3-hole, there's reason to believe he'll shatter his personal single-season games played record of 156. Keep your eyes on this one, America.

7. Ichiro Suzuki, Mariners CF
(109 ABs, 434 pitches seen)

Absolutely no suprise here. Suzuki has only missed 3 games over the last 4 seasons. His single-season at-bat record is 704, which only falls 12 shy of Rollins's monstrous seven-one-six. He has never logged less than 647 in a season. He'd be in the At-Bat Hall of Fame had he not joined the majors at the relatively old age of 27. Suzuki is a Mariners icon, and can pretty much be cemented in that leadoff hole for every game of the season. If the Mariners' offense can keep the line moving (I'm looking at YOU, Sexson), this guy has the best chance in baseball to record 717 at-bats.

At-Bat Rating: 10. There is absolutely nothing not to like here.

8. Jeff Francoeur, Braves RF
(102 ABs, 0.0 SB%)

Okay, right field must be some sort of at-bat void. Francoeur is 7th in the league among outfielders, and first among the starboard variety. Little known fact about Francoeur: he appeared in every Braves game in 2006 and 2007. However, the fact that his spot is further down in the batting order than most of the others on this list has crippled him. Despite a superbly low amount of walks, Frenchy's brief career high in at-bats is 651. He's as good a bet as any to land over 630 at-bats this season, but his odds at coming anywhere near the league lead are almost nil.

At-Bat Rating: 5. He's consistently good at racking up the at-bats, but until they start putting him higher in the batting order, this guy's got no shot at the crown.

9. Micah Owings, Diamondbacks P
(18 AB .865 OPS)

Man, can this guy flat out HIT! If there's one thing Owings has shown, it's that his bat might belong in the lineup more than once every five games. He's the best hitting pitcher of this generation, and for that reason, it's clear that he's the frontrunner for the at-bat crown amongst pitchers. There's simply little reason to pinch hit for him. However, as you may have guessed, his ability to keep getting at-bats is reliant on his ability to get hitters out on the mound. Not getting pinch-hit for is one thing, avoiding getting the hook on the other side of the ball is quite another.

At-Bat Rating: 1. So long as he's a pitcher and only a pitcher, he'll be among the best hurlers at raking up at-bats, but when's the last time a pitcher has been even close to the league lead?

BONUS SUPER AWESOME TENTH GUY YOU GET TO READ ABOUT.

David Ortiz, Red Sox DH
(96 AB, 6 doubles)

Even I can learn something new and uninteresting. Apparently, DHs aren't high at-bat guys. Ortiz has struggled with his offense overall thus far, but those at-bats are sure to come rolling in, as Boston refuses to lose faith in him. Boston needing to play games at National League parks further prevent him from coming close to the record.

At-Bat Rating: 1.5. Far, far too many walks, there David.

Well that's all from me, FireJay! Thanks for letting me stop on by!

Jerry Crasnick covers baseball for ESPN.com. He swears he has said something interesting in his life. His book "License To Deal" was published by Rodale. He is the 2-time winner of the Paul DePodesta Trophy, given to the person working at ESPN who looks up a lot of stats, but doesn't have much else to say. He was featured on the cover of "Useless Weekly Column" magazine. Jerry can be reached via e-mail

I can't remember for the life of me why I thought that was worth my time.

Bad Pitchers & Bad Thinking.. More of the Obvious from Jerry Crasnick

The latest from ESPN.com's Jerry Crasnick is a waste of your time. Don't read it - unless, like me, you're looking for something to disparage. The gist of this article could be summed up:

"Hey, I interviewed a lot of injured Cardinals pitchers. Boy, they sure are gamers! Also, the Cardinals' organization hopes these injury-riddled pitchers and the other mostly-average starters on their roster suddenly achieve their career-bests this year!"

I'm imagining that quote uttered by dear Jerry, whose voice I have never actually heard, but which I think I can characterize simply based on his thumbnail picture:

I think that pretty much sums up the entire article. But here's my favorite part:

While Lohse has a reputation as an underachiever, he pitched some huge games for the Phillies in a pennant race last summer. Lohse lasted six innings or more in seven of his past 11 starts before giving up a grand slam to Colorado's Kaz Matsui in Game 2 of the Division Series. The challenge now is breaking through the ceiling of unfulfilled expectations. Lohse, a career 63-74 with a 4.82 ERA, is free from those overpowering American League lineups and cozy parks in Cincinnati and Philadelphia, so the Cardinals have reason to hope he will spread his wings and fly.

Kyle Lohse's HOME ERA - in Citizens Bank Park and Great American Ballpark - in 2007: 3.03.
[dan-bob, while performing this cursory research: "Shit! He was pretty good at home!"]
Kyle Lohse's ROAD ERA - where he is free from those cozy parks - in 2007: 6.17
[dan-bob, while performing this cursory research: "Shit! I wonder what caused this? Probably too many hookers in his hotel room."]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is why we have the label "anecdotal bullshit" - because of writers like Crasnick who blame Lohse's struggles on some vague "ballpark" problem instead of the obvious fact that he isn't that great of a pitcher.

If the Cardinals want Kyle Lohse to break through the ceiling of those unfilfilled expectations and fly up and become an ace, they're pretty stupid. Then again, it's typical shitty baseball journalism to think that a pitcher will become a stud based on the fact that he pitched at least six innings in seven out of eleven starts, rather than looking at the fact that he has seven full seasons of major league experience has a career ERA+ of 95.

Oh well. April is indeed the cruellest month, mixing the memories and desires of all the optimistic fans of below-average teams around America.

Reader Extra Participation Friday: That's Worth a Few Bonus Points, Right?

Who will dethrone JD after his win last week? If he wins again, does that make him a dynasty? (USC fans would definitely think so, even if he finishes second. OH! PWNED!!!1111!11) Will he remember to show up to defend his title? Come on now, everyone join in.

Jerry Crasnick serves as our template this week, as he writes about some MLB free agents who have yet to find a team to play for in 2008.

[Sean] Casey's lack of power clearly works against him. He's posted slugging percentages of .433, .388 and .393 in his past three stops. But he knows how to work a count, and he has a higher career batting average than Lance Berkman and Bobby Abreu. And when Sports Illustrated surveys 464 players and they overwhelmingly anoint you the "friendliest player in the game,'' that's worth a few bonus points, right?

I actually don't mind Crasnick most of the time. As long as he's not writing about players who hustle and "play the game the way it was meant to be played," he's tolerable. This isn't even a flagrantly bad passage; first, it's partially tongue-in-cheek, and second, clubhouse chemistry actually does matter a little. But I still think this makes for a good Reader Extra Participation Friday topic. What other traits can you assign to a struggling player that have little or nothing to do with their ability to play a sport well in an effort to make them sound more desirable? As always, please use Jerry's voice.

"Maybe Joey Harrington just blew his last chance at starting in the NFL by preforming poorly for Atlanta this past season. It's a real shame teams are hung up on his disastrous stats- they seem to forget that the guy knows how to do that thing where you raise only one eyebrow really high."

"After he screwed the pooch during the '06 Olympics, everyone was talking about how Bode Miller was washed up. But his recent return to the winner's circle is no surprise to me. It was pretty much inevitable, given how much he enjoys getting high and going to zoos."

"Sad to hear that no one wants to give former Diamondbacks and Braves pitcher Russ Ortiz a shot during spring training this year. Have you ever seen the guy water ski? He's a maniac out there."

"It's fair to say that former NBA center Oliver Miller has struggled with his weight. But should his career really be over already? Any playoff contender looking for big man help off the bench should give him a call. He's a huge Nickleback fan."

"Sure, Rae Carruth is in jail for conspiracy to commit murder. But if he somehow is paroled or escapes, teams should think about giving him a tryout. The guy can burp and fart on command."

Those five examples took me three and a half hours to develop. I'm sure you can all do better.

More Baseball!

Baseball is my favorite sport. I seem to be writing less these days because there aren't as many baseball articles. All that is being written under "baseball" on websites is about Clemens and Congress and some guy named George Mitchell who I've never heard of before yesterday (seriously though, anyone else getting sick of the Clemens saga?). None of those things have anything to do with VORP or SNLVAR, so my one-track sabermetric brain is too stupid to write anything meaningful about them (unless Howard Bryant (SMACK!) plays the race card). I have yet to decide whether this paragraph is primarily serious or sarcastic.

Anyway, Glaus and Rolen are swapping teams, that's pretty interesting huh? Jerry Crasnick said that it's good for both parties. I agree with him! But just for fun, let's see what bogus reasons he can spew at us in an attempt to write an article long enough for publishing, shall we?

Toronto manager John Gibbons had a couple of highly-publicized blowouts with Shea Hillenbrand and Ted Lilly two years ago. But if you talk to people around the team, they'll tell you Gibbons is a "player's manager" who creates a comfortable environment for his guys.

If you cut to the core of this paragraph, you get the meaning: "Except for dealing with problematic personalities, John Gibbons is excellent at dealing with people!" Wow, sounds like a super dude. Also, what moronic player is going to tell an ESPN reporter that the manager is doing anything BUT creating a comfortable environment for the team? You think they're just going to make waves and tell the public if there really is a problem? Most-to-all players will publicly say that they like their manager. Maybe you're right, Crasnick, and maybe Gibbons is pretty good at that, but ask any of LaRussa's boys over in St. Louis the same question, and you won't hear a different answer (except for maybe Mr. Rolen). This paragraph basically says nothing about the quality of John Gibbons as a manager, when you think about it.

That's a good thing for Scott Rolen -- the Blue Jays acquired the third baseman in exchange for Troy Glaus on Saturday -- because Toronto's newest addition doesn't have a particularly good track record with authoritarian types.

Let's try a syllogism based on these first two paragraphs!

Premise 1: John Gibbons has a history of having personal problems with players with confrontational personalities.

Premise 2: Scott Rolen has a confrontational personality.

Reasonable Proposition: Scott Rolen is likely to have a personal problem with John Gibbons!

Rolen's former St. Louis buddy, David Eckstein, recently signed a one-year deal to play shortstop for Toronto, so the Jays won't have to spend much time building synergy on the left side in spring training.

AAAAHHHHHH-CCCCHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

With extreme apologies to the writers of I, Robot, I must confess, Jerry, I'm allergic to bullshit. "Synergy on the left side?" Is that an important thing? Are Joe Crede and Juan Uribe best buddies (do they even speak the same language?)? How about Julio Lugo and Mike Lowell? A-Rod and Derek Jeter get to the playoffs every year.....because they work so well together, right? Is THAT how these teams are doing it?

No seriously Jerry, exactly how many defensive plays per year involve both the shortstop and the third baseman? It's a stretch to say something like this about the shortstop and the 2nd basemen, much less 2 people who rarely throw the ball to each other.

And although the three years and $33 million left on Rolen's contract scared off some clubs, the commitment fits right in with Toronto general manager J.P. Ricciardi's timetable. The Blue Jays are built to win over the next three seasons, with Vernon Wells, Roy Halladay, Alex Rios, Lyle Overbay and B.J. Ryan all tied up contractually through 2010 or beyond, and now the team won't have to fill a potentially gaping hole at third base.

So these are the components of a "built to win" team.

1) An overrated CF who collapsed last year and has turned in 2 notably above-average offensive seasons in his last 6
2) A legitimate ace (with a good amount of injury history)
3) An above-average corner OF
4) A pretty mediocre starting MLB 1B
5) A very good closer with significant injury problems.

Well, I'm sold. Watch out, Red Sox and Yankees. This sounds completely different than the Blue Jays who have been mired in slightly-better-than-average-itude for the past several years.

I'm truly disappointed, Crasnick. You should take this as a compliment, because I refuse to write this about mostly anyone else I scribble about, but you can do better.

Jerry Crasnick Pwns Some Random Masshole

During an ESPN.com chat re: "Who's better, A-Rod or Pujols?"

Steve (Boston, MA): Jerry know that i think of it ill take Youk, and Mike L. over both of them to play my corner spots WS CHAMPS baby

Jerry Crasnick: Steve,

Thanks for the provincial Bostonian viewpoint. A baseball chat at ESPN simply wouldn't be complete without it.

Yeah! Facial! Tell him, Jer. Steve from Boston, you just got an eyeball full of mustache.

In case you're unsure of what the definition of "provincial" in this context is (which I for one intially was), it's number three on this list.

The sad part about all the hating I do on Boston and its fans is that I'm sure there are tons of them out there that are perfectly cool and well-adjusted. Hell, regular FireJay commenter and Good Guy At Sports writer Jeff is a great example. But people like him are hard to pick out of the crowd with all the Steve from Bostons wandering around teh interwebs. They make comment sections basically unreadable. You'll be reading what people have said about a college football column and then, boom, without warning, somehow the conversation has drifted over to Tom Brady and his sexy chin donut. And these people are ready to reference something Bill Simmons wrote as objective gospel about how sports works ("Dude, chemiceracity really works! Go Sawks!") at the drop of a hat. It's sad. Looking back to 2004, I wish I could go back in time and kick my own ass for being a temporary Red Sox fan that October. Look at what's happened to the landscape of sports since. New York fans were never this bad. At least they know how to deal with winning (except their NBA fans... zing!).

If You Thought the Lunchpail Alert Was High Before....

....it's bright freakin' red now, thanks to Jerry Crasnick

I've established my stance on Jerry Crasnick insisting on doing a "Starting 9" every week. This is one of his worst.

No pain, no game for these hard-nosed players

Gritty McGrittersons. Guys that sprint for every ball. Guys that just NEED to beat out that grounder to the third baseman, so they run their absolute hardest to first (read: almost everyone). Guys that dive and get themselves dirty. Guys that look an outfield wall square in the eye and say, "I'm not afraid of you, biznitch." What a great topic.

Baseball players aren't typically regarded as tough in the manner of NFL wide receivers going over the middle or NHL wingers digging into the corner for loose pucks. But the season is so long, so physically and mentally draining, that few regulars report for work each day feeling spry or healthy in the conventional sense. They're all soldiers in a war of attrition.

Baseball is easily my favorite sport, Jerry, but there is absolutely no way you can compare the "toughness" of MLB players to that of NFL or NHL players. It's insane to do that. Baseball players don't get checked into the boards repeatedly, or have to catch a ball while preparing to get leveled by a quick, 270-pound linebacker. Most of the in-game time in an MLB season is spent sitting on a bench or standing around at your position (taking into account that pitchers aren't everyday players).

Toughness is in the eye of the beholder. But we're pretty sure it's embodied by Minnesota backup catcher Mike Redmond. During a game in July, Chicago's Jim Thome took a long follow-through and caught Redmond in the head with the barrel of his bat.

After several moments on the ground, Redmond staggered to his feet, blood pouring from his head, and apologized to teammate Joe Mauer on his way back to the dugout. It was the second game of a doubleheader, and Redmond felt bad about taxing Mauer's workload.

"It wasn't like I was hurt that bad," Redmond told Jim Souhan of the Minneapolis Star Tribune. "Just bleeding a lot."

What a TOUGH player. "It wasn't like I was hurt that bad" he says, referencing the time he was leaving the game due to an injury. This is like saying "That guy stopped playing the basketball game because he sprained his ankle. What a hard-nosed player!"

Remember "The Breakfast Club"? We'll call this week's installment of Starting 9 the Eat-Nails-for-Breakfast Club.

Nails for breakfast, cold stomach gruel for lunch (served in a pail, of course), and raw, freshly-killed deer meat for dinner. A truely grit-tastic 3-meal day for the champion looking to harden his nose.

Oh, and mentioning "The Breakfast Club" fits in just perfectly here, I might add.

Russell Martin, Dodgers catcher

He blocks balls, shakes off foul tips

Like John Buck and Brian McCann do.

breaks up double plays with abandon

With "abandon", he slides hard into second base and drives fear into Khalil Greene coming across the bag to turn the deuce in such a way that Johnny Estrada never could.

and doesn't know the meaning of the words, "I can't go, Skip."

Because he's young and hasn't been seriously injured yet.

Todd Helton, Rockies first baseman

Helton has endured back pain and calf problems, and missed two weeks last season with acute ileitis, a painful inflammation of the small intestine. Despite losing 10 pounds, Helton came off the disabled list as scheduled and started 64 straight games before Colorado manager Clint Hurdle was able to chain him to the bench.

"chain him to the bench". Simply priceless. Like the huge, overly-aggressive dog from the next yard over. I'm getting images in my head of Todd Helton needing to wear a shock collar that jerks him back into the dugout whenever he tries to leave.

It's the same brand of fortitude Helton displayed as a University of Tennessee quarterback while facing the onslaught of SEC linebackers. If he's ambulatory, he's out there.

Ah, no wonder. A football player. If we keep going, and Darin Erstad is left off of this list, I'm going to give you a Joe Morganesque lecture on how you're not being very consistent.

It's a certainty Biggio will be wearing an Astros cap on his Hall of Fame plaque. The portrayal would be even more genuine if it showed him beneath a gunk-encrusted helmet with sweat and eye black all over his face.

I say "gunky" becomes the new synonym for gritty. Eye black is a new one actually. Eye black! It makes you tough! That's how Scott Podsednik does it, duuude! And he's a guy that everyone considers hard-nosed.....a pretty-boy married to Playmate Lisa Dergan. (I can think of few baseball players who do not sweat)

Miguel Tejada, Orioles shortstop

No.

No. Fucking. Way.

This is one of the most subjective topics in the world. And you actually got it wrong.

Everyone in the sports media world knows that for shortstop, there is one, and only one accurate answer to this question.

Standing in at 4'2" and weighing about 81 pounds, a boy playing a man's game with hard-nosed grit, hearty soul, and the energy of the fires of the sun, the answer has to be David Eckstein.

One
Two
Three
Four
Five -- Actually Jerry, that one's yours!
Six

With all due respect to Miguel Tejada and his consecutive games played streak, he doesn't stand a chance against Eckstein in the scrappy, hard-nosish department (read: Tejada is too good at baseball to win those honors).

Ty Wigginton, Astros third baseman
If Eric Byrnes is known as the Crash Test Dummy, then Wigginton should forever be regarded as the Human Four-Car Pileup.

Wow.....just....wow.

Just ask catcher Koyie Hill, who suffered a broken ankle while being steamrolled by Wigginton, or Yadier Molina, whose cage was similarly rattled. Wigginton isn't the most skilled or graceful athlete. But he's a grunting, snorting, collision-inducing machine.

So he's basically Tim 'The Tool Man' Taylor from "Home Improvement" in baseball player form. Great. The fact that Wigginton crashed into 2 catchers and is being honored in an article for it does wonders to show how useful the article is.

Aaron Rowand, Phillies center fielder

Not Darin Erstad!?!?!!? I mean, good choice and all, but come on! Erstad was a football player too, ya know. As promised, here's your Morganesque lecture.

I'm not sure how I feel about Jerry Crasnick as a sportswriter, because I don't see him write everyday. He isn't very consistent in his views, and I think he would become a good writer if he learned to be more consistent. He's just looking for another good idea coupled with a good analogy. If he gets those, then maybe he'll be a contender. But it's too early to tell.

Chicago general manager Kenny Williams, a former major league outfielder, describes Rowand as tough in every conceivable way. "And I don't toss out that compliment lightly," said Williams

Rowand would prefer the fences were made of barbed wire. He brushes his teeth with a cactus, he bites the heads off of rattlesnakes, he's Chuck Norris with a glove!

One more Erstad-related blip from this column. The winner for pitcher was a tie between Maddux, Glavine, and Smoltz.

Glavine, a former high school hockey star in Massachusetts, has thrown 4,300 innings without a disabled list appearance.

Who would have thought that there would be an article about hard-nosed baseball players, a college football player, and a high school hockey star without mention of Erstad's name.

San Diego reliever Doug Brocail, who came back to pitch in 2006 after two angioplasties in four months, also received several mentions.

"Brocail is the guy I'm avoiding if a brawl breaks out, because of his mental stability combined with his toughness," said Padres infielder Geoff Blum. "Oh yeah -- he's had two stents put in his heart."

He's basically the image of tough in a nutshell. Ray Lewis, Hulk Hogan, Russell Crowe, the Crocodile Hunter, Brocail.

Next week on Crasnick's starting 9: The 9 most dependable guys to sacrifice bunt a guy from 2nd to 3rd, coupled with a ton of bullshit reasons, backed by quotes from whoever Crasnick has talked to recently and weighted by whatever Crasnick has seen recently.

lunchpail alert!

i think i'm raising the alert status to reddish-orange after this jerry crasnick article on espn.com. in the spirit of the recent hall of fame induction ceremony, jerry breaks down 9 players in their 20s who are somehow similar cal ripken jr. and tony gwynn. he gives some vague lunchpailish explanations for his criteria in his lead-in; pretty generic, "they are good people and try hard" kind of crap. feel free to check it out on your own. i'm just going to jump right in and make fun of the way he compliments/analyzes the players he chose. let's all laugh along at the reasons (excerpted, but i didn't omit anything that contradicts what i say about the piece) jerry thinks they embody the spirit of cal and tony. they're all fantastic players... but as you might be able to guess, in almost every case, jerry doesn't really want to talk about that. he's more interested in other "stuff" first and foremost. i think the title of the piece says it all:

Respect and love ... along with great ability

oh boy.

Joe Mauer, Twins Catcher

For baseball fans old enough to remember the Apollo moon landing, Mauer conjures images of malt shops and lettermen's sweaters. He was a three-sport star in high school, and received a scholarship to Florida State to play quarterback. He was a good student, and helped rescue kittens from trees when he wasn't escorting senior citizens across the street.

this is all totally relevant. great joke at the end there; top notch, leno-quality material.

As a Twin, Mauer remains a model citizen. He takes more pride in a pitcher's shutout than a four-hit game.

according to: the part of jerry crasnick's brain that makes stuff up, or a quote that will go completely uncited for the time being.

He's so sensible and grounded, he gives advice to new teammates who are older than he is. He never makes excuses, and he's humble yet competitive.

wow. don't forget that he plays the game the way it was meant to be played, hustles, bustles, is hard nosed, and brings his lunchpail to the ballpark every day. also he is white.

The Twins know a good thing when they see it. They've had a Joe Mauer Bat Day, a Joe Mauer Bobblehead Night and a Joe Mauer Sideburn Night, and they recently introduced the Joe Mauer Dugout Doll. Mauer is so popular in the Twin Cities, fans actually keep the stuff rather than flip it on eBay.

whenever the twins have a joe nathan or torii hunter bobblehead night, ebay crashes the next day as minnesotans rush to unload their unwanted collectibles. it's very sad. anyways, don't bother talking about how awesome mauer is at hitting. nope. let's just focus on all that other stuff. sounds good (and anecdotal!) to me.

Prince fielder, Brewers First Baseman

Fielder grew up around the game and feels at home in a major league clubhouse, but he lacks the sense of entitlement that comes with familiarity. At 23, he seems advanced beyond his years.

this point is based on _________. what goes in that blank? who knows. it's not like jerry tells us. i'm not saying it's false. i'm saying i have no idea whether it's true or not because crasnick just pulls it out of nowhere and doesn't bother justifying it.

Here's a small but telling example: Fielder knows people are going to have an interest in his strained relationship with his father, Cecil. It's a delicate situation, but he routinely answers the questions patiently and honestly, without a hint of resentment or defensiveness.

yes, that is a small example. no, it is not telling. it shows that he's mature enough to answer interview questions about a personal situation without turning into the incredible hulk. any 23 year old should be able to do that.

He's charismatic, too. Three times a year Milwaukee players appear at an event called Autograph Friday. During the last session, fans rushed to Fielder's table until the line stretched to the door. With time at a premium, some finally decided to give up and seek autographs from other Brewers.

yes. they all wanted his autograph because he's charismatic, not because he's one of the best home run hitters in the game today. they could care less about his skills. this is why david beckham gets harassed for autographs wherever he goes.

Chase Utley, Phillies Second Baseman

Looking for the signature Chase Utley moment? It came on Aug. 9, 2006, when he motored home from second base to score on a routine ground ball in a 9-3 victory over Atlanta.

look out, eckstein and erstad! i hope he bowled over the catcher at the end of the play.

He even sets an example when he's on the disabled list. How many infielders take ground balls with their wrist in a cast, as Utley did during the Phillies' last road trip?

i admit, that is pretty badass (as far as baseball badass-ness goes, anyways). it is also pretty damn irrelevant.

Utley's career .895 OPS is a testament to his offensive ability. But it's just as easy to be wowed by his baserunning or the way he's transformed himself from a defensive liability into one of the game's better second basemen.

baseball history is littered with the forgotten names of guys who were above average defensively and on the basepaths but couldn't hit for crap. it is not, however, littered with second basemen capable of OPSing over .900 and driving in tons of runs. what "wows" jerry crasnick and what "wows" me would make for an interesting venn diagram. it would probably be two circles on a giant sheet of paper, strategically placed to be as geometrically far away from each other as possible. notice my word choice here: it's "nice" that utley wants to be a good defensive player. it's "sensible" that he wants to improve his baserunning. it's "fucking amazing" how good he is at hitting. call me crazy, but i do not look at each of those 3 things equally.

Troy Tulowitzki, Rockies Shortstop

Any list of talented young shortstops begins with Jose Reyes and Hanley Ramirez. But Reyes sacrificed his spot on our All-Ripken-Gwynn clone team when Mets manager Willie Randolph benched him last month for failing to run out two grounders in four games. And Ramirez, while a terrific player, still lacks that seasoned veteran demeanor.

hooray for intangibles (or lack thereof)!

Tulowitzki, just a rookie, gives the low-key Rockies a feistiness they'd lacked in recent years. He won't tolerate fundamental lapses, and he was self-assured enough to call out Toronto's Jason Phillips for diving at his knees on a play at the plate in June. What Tulowitzki lacks in experience, he makes up for in chutzpah.

hooray for chutzpah! most young players smile and tip their caps to older players who try to injure them. but not troy.

David Wright, Mets Third Baseman

When you have your own charitable foundation, your name adorns a Delta Airlines jet and your teammates still aren't resentful, that says something. In a New York Times profile last spring, Mets closer Billy Wagner described Wright as "well-mannered, well liked, well disciplined and well rounded.''

if billy wagner says so into a microphone, it's good enough for me.

That's a tribute to Wright's upbringing. His father, Rhon, was a police officer in Virginia, and Wright learned a sense of responsibility as the oldest of four brothers.

tough luck, major league players who didn't have cop dads and 3 younger brothers. you will never fill the shoes of tony gwynn and cal ripken jr., because you just flat don't know how.

Accountability is part of the equation. Earlier this season, when his mysterious lack of power became a big issue, Wright kept plugging away.

jerry, jerry, jerry. you know better than that. the correct verb there is "grinding", not plugging.

Three months later, he has 19 homers and ranks fifth among big league third basemen with an .897 OPS. Sometimes leadership is just another word for perseverance.

in the exact same way that sometimes purple is just another word for airplane.

Grady Sizemore, Indians Outfielder

Sizemore makes the veteran scouts misty with his old-school approach,

read: he is a small, fast, white guy who sometimes dives to make defensive plays.

and his numbers are so overwhelming, the SABR guys can appreciate him, too.

even those nerdy nerds with slide rules and popping out of every pocket can see this guy is good! of course, they think he's good for all the wrong reasons, but it doesn't matter. the point is, he's a small fast white guy who sometimes dives to make defensive plays.

When Cleveland general manager Mark Shapiro is asked which young players embody the Ripken-Gwynn ideal, he immediately cites Sizemore and Joe Mauer. "The only thing that matches Grady's passion and energy level is his athleticism and raw ability,'' Shapiro said. "He's not consumed by anything other than winning, being a good teammate and playing the game the right way.''

as opposed to adam dunn, who has recently tried to increase his range in the field by playing on a segway. or chone figgins, who has quietly been tripping opposing runners as they round third base for years.

Last September, with Cleveland going nowhere, Sizemore dived headfirst on a gravel warning track to make a catch on Chicago's Brian Anderson in a game the Indians trailed 7-1. When staff members told him he might want to exercise more caution, Sizemore looked at them as if they were space aliens. He only knows one way to play.

high comedy. this story makes sizemore sound like your average renegade-cop-with-best-intentions-who's-going-to-solve-the-crime-even-if-he-has-to-bend-the-rules-and-fight-departmental-beauracracy-and-a-lazy-and-inept-captain on a tv crime drama series. *coldly*: he'll let you know if he's intersted in your bullshit safety tips. he's got criminals to stop and fly balls to catch.

Curtis Granderson, Tigers Outfielder

Granderson plays the game with zeal. He has 63 extra-base hits this season -- one more than Alex Rodriguez --

careful jerry! that's some pretty hard analysis there. better counteract it with something anecdotal.

and you can see the fire in his eyes when he's churning for another triple.

much better.

It said a lot about Granderson's team-oriented mind-set last spring when he reached out and befriended Cameron Maybin, the Tigers prospect who's on track to take his center-field job and force him to move to left.

stories like this might be among the most annoying in all of sports. this kind of thing (player befriends his eventual successor) happens all the freaking time. tell me the last time you heard about a veteran being bitter and mean towards his young successor. what a shitty non-story. OH MY GOD... WHAT WILL DONOVAN MCNABB DO NOW THAT THE EAGLES PICKED A QUARTERBACK IN THE 2ND ROUND OF THE NFL DRAFT? YOU THINK HE'LL TRY TO SMOTHER THE GUY IN HIS SLEEP? no, idiot. he will take the kid under his wing. just like the way things happen 98% of the time in that situation. what a classic non-story.

If Major League Baseball is going to succeed in reaching out to young African-American athletes, Granderson should play a role. Last year he traveled to Europe on behalf of MLB, holding clinics and spreading the gospel of baseball.

side point/joke: shows you how much baseball cares about its declining popularity with african american kids when they're spending money flying players over to europe to promote the game.

Jeff Francouer, Braves Outfielder

wait for the obligatory mention of the fact that he used to play college football... wait for it...

Francoeur made an impression with Team USA in the World Baseball Classic when he confronted Alex Rodriguez after A-Rod berated a clubhouse kid for bringing him the wrong sandwich. That's one way to earn points with your peers.

that's a pretty funny story. wish i was there. keep waiting...

Francoeur has started 277 consecutive games, and he plays with an aggressiveness befitting a former football star.

there we go! you know, i will say this: at least he was a safety. erstad is still getting respect for being a fucking punter.

In the clubhouse, Francoeur is popular with teammates and rarely has a down day. "He's everything he appears to be,'' said Frank Wren, Atlanta's assistant general manager.

and that is: a white guy who used to be a football player and sometimes dives to make defensive plays.

Johan Santana, Twins Starting Pitcher

how did a latino guy sneak onto this list? who's screening these articles? i think they should have just added reggie willits as the 9th guy even though he's not a pitcher.

Santana created a stir at the nonwaiver deadline when he took some shots at the Twins' front office for trading Luis Castillo to the Mets.

just like ripken and gywnn used to do. hell, sometimes they made a stink abou the team trading a guy who hadn't even been traded! they just had a 6th sense for how to light a fire under the squad.

The person least offended by Santana's comments? Minnesota general manager Terry Ryan. "It's not exactly my desire to have that be public,'' Ryan said. "But I'm up here [in my office] and the players are down there busting their butts, and they didn't see me do a thing. What do you expect them to say? He was trying to be a leader. I had no problem with what he said, because he was standing up for the clubhouse.''

if a guy who wasn't one of the best, if not THE best pitcher in baseball said what santana said, i am guessing ryan's reaction would have been different.

Santana is bilingual, an icon in his native Venezuela, and he never misses a start.

ripken seaks japanese. true story. gywnn? well, let's just say he's still a big hit in norway.

That's why it must gall Twins fans to hear Yankees and Red Sox backers speculate on their teams signing Santana as a free agent in late 2008. Will Santana spend his entire major league career in one town, like Ripken and Gwynn, or follow the money trail elsewhere? That's a question for another day.

let's hope that day is: never. jerry crasnick should be permanently assigned to covering the little league world series and the WNBA.

No Wonder the Orioles Perpetually Suck.....

Jerry Crasnick's "Starting 9" is a useless space-filler on ESPN.com. This week's was 9 midseason acquisitions that paid "big dividends" in August, September, and October for World Series teams. You know, how guys like Jeff Weaver (who was poor in August and September) and Geoff Blum (who hit one home run in a series that would have almost definitely been won anyway, in a game that might have been won anyway) were major pickups.

Then we get to Mike Bordick. The Orioles traded him to the Mets in 2000 to replace Rey Ordonez.

The payoff: Bordick homers in his first at-bat as a Met and hits .324 in August, but slumps in September and October. After he's benched by manager Bobby Valentine in the finale of the Mets' World Series loss to the Yankees, it's revealed that Bordick has been playing with a broken thumb. His tenure with the Mets is brief, and he re-signs with Baltimore as a free agent in December 2000.

So.....this paid off because he hit a homer sometime in August and had a fluky .324 before having 2 horrible months? I missed the part where he helped his team get to the World Series.

Anyway....this isn't the part that bothers me. This one is.

"If we had nine Mike Bordicks, we would be in contention today,'' Syd Thrift, the Orioles' vice president of baseball operations, tells the Baltimore Sun.

The vice president of the Baltimore Orioles.

Believes.

That if they have 9 Mike Bordicks play every day, they would be way better and in contention.

Fact 1: The Orioles are not in contention right now.

Fact 2: The Orioles score 4.44 runs per game.

Fact 3: The Orioles allow 4.43 runs per game.

Fact 4: Nine Mike Bordicks score 3.92 runs per game, somewhere between the Washington Nationals and Pittsburgh Pirates.

So, Syd Thrift, in re: 9 Mike Bordicks will put us into contention, no, no it/they would not.