Rick Reilly gets OHsofuckingclose to writing a good article; ruins it in the last five sentences

Been working on a post about Jonah Keri's MLB trade value rankings, but it's not done, so I thought I'd share this tonight.  Holy ballsack, there is no way Rick Reilly wrote the first 95% of this.  You can bet your bottom dollar he wrote the last 5% though--particularly the last sentence.  You'll see.  Most of this is so inoffensive (and at times, even dryly funny) that I can present it with very minimal comment.  The subject matter: while HOF voters are taking idiotic (and often completely unfounded; Bagwell, Biggio, and more to come) stances regarding players who are allegedly tied to PEDs, the expansion era committee voters happily sent in three managers who managed several of STEROID HISTORY'S GREATEST MONSTERS for extended periods of time.  Although the two voting bodies consist of different people, that's fucking dumb, no?

I'm so pumped up for next July in Cooperstown!

I can't wait to see who's going to be in the crowd at the Hall of Fame induction ceremony for new members Tony La Russa, Bobby Cox and Joe Torre.

Maybe Mark McGwire will show up? It might be as close as he'll ever get. La Russa managed him for 15 seasons in both Oakland and St. Louis and says he never saw McGwire do a single steroid. Imagine that.

Simple unadorned sarcasm that doesn't have a cringe-inducing pun or play on words.  Like I said, if you're like me, you'll have a hard time believing Rick wrote this.

Maybe Alex Rodriguez will attend? He probably won't get in, either. Former New York Yankees skipper Torre says he didn't even notice A-Roid's alleged PED use in the four years he managed him. A-Roid's got plenty of time to go to Cooperstown. He's appealing a 211-game suspension for PEDs. Torre? No ban for him. In fact, he's an executive vice president of Major League Baseball now.

Maybe former Atlanta Braves manager Cox will look out in the crowd to see his old star Gary Sheffield. Probably not. Cox says he never saw all the PEDs Sheffield was taking when he had him right under his nose in the Atlanta clubhouse.

To be fair, Cox was probably legally blind by the mid 90s.

In all, the three managers being inducted oversaw at least 34 players who've been implicated as PED users and never noticed a thing wrong.

Now this isn't entirely fair.  It's not like any of these managers have (to my knowledge) gone on record and swore that they never once ever suspected any of their players ever took any steroids ever ever cross my heart and hope to die on a stack of Bibles.  But the general point here is 100% fair--the national media and a good chunk of baseball's fanbase have spent the last 15 years getting preachy and angry about steroid use.  It's escalated during the course of the last 5 or so years to a fever pitch.  It's probably not going away anytime soon.  So given that the role of a manager is to know his players inside and out so he can put them in the best possible position to succeed on the field, how is there zero outrage directed at these guys?  I'm not saying that steroidmongers should treat managers exactly the same as they treat players.  I'm saying, given that there are dozens of writers and hundreds of thousands of fans bursting with moral indignation at the idea of guys like Clemens and Bonds getting into the HOF, why hasn't there been ANY discussion at all on the national level about the role managers played in enabling steroid use?

Sorry.  Rick, you're doing a good job.  Back to you.

You could build a wing with the admitted and suspected drug cheats they won with: A-Rod, Roger Clemens (Torre), Jason Giambi (Torre and La Russa), McGwire, Jose Canseco (La Russa), Melky Cabrera (Torre and Cox), David Justice (Torre and Cox), Andy Pettite (Torre), Manny Ramirez (Torre with the Dodgers) and Sheffield (Torre and Cox.)

What the fuck is Melky Cabrera doing with the rest of these guys?  Other than that, great point.

If we get really lucky, maybe disgraced HGH pitcher Darren Holmes will show up. He played under all three of them!

I'm sure Rick didn't do that research himself, but the fact that he thought to ask someone else to do it represents a level of effort miles beyond what he usually puts out.

It's just another year in the Hall of Farce, 

Dumb, but not as dumb as his usual "jokes."  I'm just thrilled he DIDN'T go with "Hall of Shame."

where the codes of conduct shift like beach sand; where the rules for one set of men are ignored for another; where PED poppers can never enter, but the men who turned their backs to the cheating get gleaming, bronze plaques.

Hail The Great Enablers!

Holy crap, it's a little melodramatic (it's not like the managers were buying the steroids for the players or anything), but wow, that's borderline good writing.

La Russa's slipping on the Hall of Fame jersey Monday is the sight that really tested my gag reflex. He did more for juicers than Jack LaLanne. 

A dated reference, to be sure, but again not nearly as dumb as his usual fare.  I expected a joke about Orange Julius or something.

He managed McGwire and Canseco -- the Wright Brothers of the Druggie Era -- for 21 combined seasons. He made millions on their pimpled backs, won his first World Series title on their syringes and built his 33-year managing career on their artificially carved biceps.

Under La Russa, the Oakland clubhouse became a kind of leather-upholstered showroom for creams, rubs and injections that allowed players to work out harder, recover quicker and attack the game like a wolf in a hen house. It didn't change much in St. Louis, either, where he says he didn't notice what McGwire, Troy Glaus, Fernando Vina and Ryan Franklin were doing.

Score another victory for Baseball's Best Fans, who trip over their dicks telling you about how their team always Plays The Game The Right Way.  I hope Will Leitch falls out of a hot air balloon.

He spent eight hours a day around these guys, eight months a year, and yet he never saw a thing. Maybe he dressed in a different clubhouse?

Who knows whether and how many of these players were openly using in the clubhouse, but the managers aren't idiots.  You know they knew.  Sorry to acknowledge Canseco, because the last thing he deserves (besides attention) is acknowledgement, but I pretty firmly believe him (and Ken Caminiti, and the rest of the long list of players who have said that everyone in baseball knew everyone was using).

But he goes into the HOF and those players never will. Maybe he can send them some Instagrams.

A pretty bad cultural reference without any meaningful context other than "this is one-uh them apps them kids like to use these days," but still, this is an A+ relative to everything Reilly has done since like 2004.

Hey, you think any of the three skips will mention how PEDS helped them get to that sunny afternoon in Cooperstown?

Oh, and I can't forget to thank Katalina at Tijuana Pharmacy for all her help. Like my players always said, "We can't get cut without Kat!"

You won't even have to be in Cooperstown to smell the hypocrisy. Even the faintest scent of a rumor of PED use is enough to sink a player now.

Managers? Odorless.

Take Houston Astros great Craig Biggio. He had more than enough career to get in, and even though there isn't a stitch of evidence against him, the writers have kept him out because they have a niggling hunch he might've used.

Again, the BBWAA is not responsible for the election of these managers, but the broader point is absolutely worth talking about.  Currently, the discussion about steroid use by subtopic is split up as follows: 90% players, 5% MLB itself, 5% owners.  Managers need a chunk of that pie.  A pretty big one.  (Obviously the owners and league could also stand to gain at least twenty percentage points as well.)

Remember, kids: If you play the game under even a single cloud of suspicion, you're out. Manage it under one? Come on in and pull up a plaque!

Can you imagine this in any other sport? Do you think for a second Johan Bruyneel, the manager of all of Lance Armstrong's cheating, champion Tour de France teams, didn't know what was going on? You figure Bonnie and Clyde's driver just thought they were always running late?

As I think I've made pretty clear around here, I dislike steroid users but do not hate them with the flaming passion of a thousand burning suns.  I especially dislike guys like Bonds and Clemens, who were gigantic assholes in addition to using steroids, but what are you gonna do?  They were great players, as were McGwire, Sosa, Palmeiro, etc.  I don't want to be in the business of being the morality police and punishing players for conduct that wasn't against the rules when they were doing it.  I also don't want to be in the business of deciding who would or would not have gotten in anyways absent steroid use.  And I sure as fucking fuck especially don't want to be in the business of deciding whether a guy who's never been formally connected to steroids "looked like a user," or some horrendous garbage like that.  

So you know what?  If I were voting, I'd pretty much just vote without factoring it in.  That might allow for the admission of a guy like McGwire or Sosa who may not have made it in without roids, but that's a far lesser evil in my mind than the exclusion of guys like Bagwell or Biggio.  I don't like steroid use, but Jesus, can we please unbundle the national panties?  It happened.  There are now good measures in place to curb its use.  Anyways, this has been a great and thoughtful article by Rick, and I'm happy to see what he may be in the process of turning over a new leaf, so why don't we---

Next month, the writers are expected to vote down McGwire for the eighth time and Clemens for the second time. 

Oh no.  Rick, please don't.  Please stop while you're ahead.  We don't need to delve into this.  You've done a great job here--

They're right to do it. 

Noooooooooooooooo.  Even if you disagree with my steroids stance and agree with his, I hope you can agree that he didn't need to go into this.  The article would have been just fine without it.

Those guys are tainted beyond any reasonable doubt, though Clemens still maintains innocence. But for the expansion error 

Rick, please!  That's the kind of joke we're used to seeing from you!  The wheels are coming off!

committee to let these three managers in -- unanimously, no less -- after winning hundreds of games with better chemistry is the gold standard of double standards.

Jesus.  That's so disappointing.  Just please don't finish with one of your signature horrendous one liners--

If you believe they didn't know, then you'll fit perfectly in Dupers Town.

And the collapse is complete.  Jean van de Velde, Rick.  Rick, Jean van de Velde.

This article is almost as stupid is Chris W's last post (and face)

Uh oh, Chris W got me good! Watch out! Here come the hypocrisy police! Almost as frightening as the cyber police! Simmons post coming tomorrow night. In the meantime enjoy this half-hearted effort.

Now that I'm done burning the hell out of Mr. Thinks-He-Can-Burn-But-Actually-Can't with the burniest of burnsauces, time to turn my attention to LZ Granderson. He wrote one of the most embarrassing examples I've ever seen of an article that 1) has just one point to make, a point which is brain-liquefyingly stupid; 2) the author realizes that fact; 3) which prompts the author to claim that they are in fact not making said brain-liquefyingly stupid point; 4) leaving the author with no point at all. It's a fantastic combination of WRONG and an article that didn't need to be written. Given the popularity of those two labels over there in our left hand sidebar, this seemed like a good article to bitch about while I work on this Simmons novel. Say what you will about how shitty that guy's writing is, but he's also very longwinded.

I will admit, as a lifelong Detroit Tigers fan, when I first heard we snagged Prince Fielder, I was ecstatic.

Victor Martinez had blown out his knee just days before -- lost for the upcoming season -- and replacing his offensive production wasn't going to be easy. A step back, after an amazing 2011, seemed inevitable. Then out of nowhere Detroit landed Fielder and life was good.

And I said to myself, what do you think the Tigers had to pay him to get him to sign? A couple hundred thousand a year? Couldn't be more than that, right? MAYBE THEY COULD PAY HIM WITH FOOD LOL

Then I saw the price tag and thought, "What the hell?"

He signed for about as much as he was expected to sign for when the offseason began! This is bananas!

All we hear about in the news these days is the struggling global economy, but in the middle of all this downbeat chatter a sports team bearing the name of one of the poorest cities in the country signs a baseball player to a nine-year deal worth $214 million.

How dare the Tigers ruin Detroit's reputation as a broke-ass city.

Talk about a disconnect.

Talk about the most worthless fucking article you could ever write. A thousand Jay Mariottis, confined to a warehouse, typing away on a thousand extra-smug typewriters, couldn't do any better. I'm pretty sure the "Isn't it WILD how much athletes are paid??? All for playing a ballgame!!! It ain't right I tell ya!!!" angle is the most played out, boring, unnewsworthy, uncommentaryworthy one in sports journalism. I'd rather read about Brett Favre. I'd rather read about how great Boston's sports scene is. Fuck it, I'd rather read about Simmons's most recent trip to Vegas.

Granted, the Tigers' budget and the city's budget are not related.

Admission #1 that this article should not exist.

But doesn't it bother you that the new first baseman will make more money this year ($23 million) than what's individually budgeted for all but one of the city's police precincts?

It does bother me that Detroit and many other cities have no money. It does not bother me that the market for baseball players has determined that a guy like Fielder is worth $23 million, because the private organization that is the Detroit Tigers has that money and is going to pay him that money.

Now I do not want to start an Occupy Comerica Park movement.

Fucking occupy references. Fucking dammit.

/waits for comment along the lines of "occupy Larry B's vagina harf harf harf"

I do not have a problem with the mechanics of capitalism nor do I begrudge Tigers owner Mike Illitch or anyone else for being rich and spending their money any way they want to.

Admissions #2 and #3 that this article should not exist.

In fact, I hope to join their exclusive club one day. Preferably with my crunchy granola idealism intact but who knows … I'm not making any promises.

You and me both. The difference is, I don't sit around saying/typing things like "Gee golly gosh, you know, garbagemen and crossing guards are the REAL heroes. Why don't we pay THEM $23 million a year?" I know it's fucking criminal how little teachers and social workers are paid in this country. I also know baseball salaries have not a fucking thing to do with that.

Anyway, my point:

My editor told me I had 8 minutes to come up with a new angle on the Fiedler signing and I'm high as hell as I'm typing this. How am I doing?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with Fielder's contract.

Admission #4.

he problem is the environment in which a $214 million contract in today's wider economic landscape is even possible. Why are we so crazy about our favorite teams that the demand for better schools or roads takes a backseat by fiscal comparison?

Like I said, he's fucking baked. Hey man, you ever thought about... what if ATHLETES paid to see US work? What if PETS owned US?

Sure, no one wants to hear and see and read about bad news all of the time. But is distracting ourselves from everyday life so critical that we'll ignore the financial solvency of the games we love is much stronger than many of the communities in which they are played?

God yes. Yes a million times. As soon as you have a way to fix the mind-bogglingly complex political, structural, monetary, racial, and sociological problems that cause cities, states, and entire countries to go broke, I'll happily tune out the sports and listen to you flap your gums. Until then shut up or write something else.

Yes, I recognize the inherent hypocrisy of a sportswriter complaining about the insane amount of money connected to the sports industry. But as I said earlier, I want to move on up like George and Weezy and cannot guarantee my crunchy granola idealism is going to make the trip. The reality is there is more than one reality. I want to make a good living so I need billions to continue to flow through sports. I also want the Tigers to continue to be successful and that comes at cost. In 2003, the Tigers lost an American League-record 119 games. This year, thanks to Fielder, we are World Series favorites.

That's probably the worst paragraph of sportswriting I've ever read. In case you couldn't identify it on your own, the worst part of all is the final sentence.

Shit like this just makes me happy that spring training is 11ish weeks away

I wanted to post something extensive about the BCS title game mess but sadly I couldn't really find anything worth wholeheartedly attacking. My stance: it's annoying that the game is a rematch, I would rather have seen Oklahoma State, but it's not the greatest injustice in the history of sports. (What is that greatest injustice, you ask? Easy. Jimmy Rollins over Matt Holliday for 2007 NL MVP.)

Anyways, the two closest calls came over at CBSSports, where Dennis Dodd wrote a piece titled "Blame voters -- not SEC -- for having LSU, 'Bama in title game." A bold stance to be certain. What? Voters (and really, you can call the people who organize the computer rankings voters too given how screwed up some of their results are and the fact that they don't have to disclose their formulas if they don't want to) are responsible for the championship game matchup? I was ready to blame greedy Wall Street bankers, illegal immigrants, and the moon. But then the article had some good points; Okie State had the better resume, but the SEC has a lot of street cred and voters are influenced by that. It also pointed out that most SEC fans are insufferable cunts--can't go wrong with that one. (Not you, Biggest Ruckus. You're cool.) So Dennis is off the hook this time.

Troll extraordinaire Gregg Doyel wrote a similar piece about how Okie State got screwed simply because they don't play in the SEC. He wandered all over stupidland to make his points, my favorite part being:

Because Alabama is in the SEC, and the networks love the SEC. They have reason to, given the top-dollar TV contracts given to the SEC, but it's more subtle than that. Familiarity breeds appreciation, which explains the unfathomably bad songs that make it into the Top 40. Why are they there? Because the radio plays them. Why does the radio play them? Because they're in the Top 40. It's a vicious cycle that has resulted in Katy Perry in your eardrums, and Alabama in your favorite bowl game.

LEAVE KATY PERRY ALONE! SHE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS! But like Dodd, Doyel had some points. So yeah, it is what it is. The whole BCS hierarchy continues to be at best fucking worthless and at worst a corrupt money-funneling scheme for big bowl and big conference execs. I bet we have a playoff system of some kind within ten years, because any time the season doesn't end with two and exactly two undefeated teams, there's going to be a shitstorm. But it'll take a while for people (execs of the non-AQ conferences, powerful coaches, NCAA execs who aren't greedy assholes oh wait there probably aren't any) to get angry enough to actually do something about it.

Really, I'm just pissed that LSU won and Houston lost this weekend. Because of one or both of those things didn't happen, man, we'd have really seen some quality (and justified) bitching and moaning today. Sigh. Maybe next year. In the meantime: TEBOW TEBOW RODGERS PACKERS NFC EAST LOGJAM STEELERS RAVENS TEBOW JIM HARBAUGH PEYTON MANNING'S BABYNECK SAINTS TEBOW WILD CARDS GRONKOWSKI BRADY TEBOW TEBOW!!!!! And that, plus a little NHL and NBA regular season ACTION ACTION ACTION have to get us through until mid-February. No, I will not acknowledge regular season college basketball.

Ragging on the Mets: If You're Going to Do It, Don't Be A Moron About it

I once read an article by Larry Dobrow. It sucked. Let's see about this one:

Last year at this time, the New York Mets were the prohibitive favorites to rep the National League in the 2007 World Series. As late as early June, the Mets were on the verge of shedding their traditional other-team-in-town status and steamrolling everything in their path.

There is no way the Mets will ever shed their other-team-in-town status, until they get the World Series deficit to a more favorable ratio... and since it currently stands at 26-2. Might be a few years.

And then, they weren't. They played .500 ball from that point, showing the self-contentment of an overfed zoo animal and the urgency of a guy just exiting a toilet stall. Everyone dotes on the September collapse, but the Mets could have gone 0-for-the-month if they hadn't taken the summer off.

Actually, everyone dotes on the right answer, and savvy columnist Larry Dobrow is an idiot. On September 12, the Mets were 21 games over .500 with a record of 83-62. Over the last three weeks of the baseball season, they won only five games. No wonder everyone dotes on that.

Given that the National League is about to get more competitive -- hello, Brewers, Dodgers, Diamondbacks and Rockies -- can we Save This Franchise?

I guess the Dodgers are getting more competitive because they hired a New manager. For example, their owner was quoted:

"I think we're in good position right now," McCourt said. "We don't have to make a deal. We made the biggest move we needed to make in signing Joe."

Yeah. Sure. The Mets need to make more moves because the Dodgers signed a manager. Also- note that the four teams that Larry cites are NOT in the Mets' division.

I think we can. Martha, get me my protractor, my analysis cloak and my Metsie stamp set.

Wow. The implications of the existence of an "analysis cloak" are staggering. Alert the media!

Wait - don't.

Short-term outlook: Most of these "Save This Franchise" dispatches have taken a look at organizations that are beyond help -- the Pirates, Reds and their ilk. The Mets, after last September, are perceived as a team in disarray. That's an irresponsible suggestion, bordering on moronic. The Mets will win their division by a wide margin and should be installed as the easy favorite to claim the pennant.

Fuck you, Larry. The Reds rule. Whoops. Sorry. Larry actually makes a decent point here: that the Mets are still a solid team, although his suggestion that they should be the favorite is an exaggeration.

Assets: They have best young three-player core in the majors (David Wright, Carlos Beltran and Jose Reyes). They have capable veterans at first base, second base and in left field. Their rotation is anchored by two 25-year-old starters, who averaged eight strikeouts per inning in 2006, and Pedro Martinez, still cowboying up, down and all around after all these years.

Pedro cowboyed it up, down and all around to the tune of 28 IP in 2007.

Even if trigger-happy general manager Omar Minaya doesn't lift another finger -- for that to happen, he'd have to be kidnapped, felled by a stroke, or suspended by an evil arch-nemesis in some kind of viscous jelly -- they resemble an 88-win team ... which, not so coincidentally, is what the Mets were in 2007. If they had won one more game in September and the Phillies had won one less, none of these conversations are happening.

I actually kind of like Larry's point here. The Mets seem to be an above-average team, and their late-season slump doesn't seem to fit with the rest of their season. I don't know what their Pythag W-L was (anyone know?) - perhaps the late slump was just regressing to their expectation. Larry's last sentence is sensible - most of the doomsayers wouldn't be doomsaying if the Mets hadn't missed the playoffs.

They recently improved by subtraction when the Braves took the aging and ineffective Tom Glavine off their hands. I wonder if the Mets sent a thank you note or perhaps a fruitcake.

Tom Glavine was almost perfectly averagely effective last year - 96 ERA+, though I think it's insignificant that he is "aging", since he's "thrown over 180 innings every year of his entire career". So I don't think either of those adjectives are accurate.

Also, for the geographically impaired, the Mets reside in New York, where their TV and marketing intake pays for an awful lot of $4.97 quarts of milk. This is an advantage akin to being born with a silver spoon in your mouth and a platinum umbilical cord dangling below your navel.

True. You'd think the Mets could parlay that advantage into more success, like how the Yankees parlay their even larger market share into a steady stream of World Series titles!

No, the Mets don't have the ticket, merchandise or broadcasting revenue streams that their privileged cross-town rivals do.But when you remove New York Post back covers from the equation, they're not competing with the Yankees.

Duh.

Their real competitors are the two National League teams that can match them resources-wise, the Cubs and Dodgers. Those are the only ones who, like the Mets, can spend stupidly without consequences. If the Braves or Brewers hand out a dumb long-term contract that occupies 15 percent of their payroll, they're screwed. If the Mets do the same, they can swallow it and move on.

Duh. Except that they're really competing with teams like the Rockies and the Brewers, who manage to be successful with half the resources and who, I suspect, have organizations that are simply more competent at assembling winning baseball teams.

Liabilities: They're old and creaky at a handful of key spots. The aforementioned vets -- Carlos Delgado, Moises Alou and Luis Castillo -- have all seen better days, especially defensively. If Delgado's bat doesn't gain back the speed it lost last season, they'll be power-deficient from the left side of the plate.

Luis Castillo has never seen better days. He has only had an above-league-average OPS in three of his ten seasons - and for a speedy guy, he's only scored 100 runs ONCE (!).

Can you win a pennant while being power-deficient from the left side of the plate?

As has been mentioned several zillion times, the depth in the starting rotation and bullpen doesn't inspire confidence. Counting on Orlando "El Dorque" Hernandez to give you 175 injury-free innings as a fourth starter is like counting on a wedding band to pull off "Paranoid Android."

Quite the pop culture reference, Larry. Though I think, as I mentioned, Tom Glavine has no problem throwing over 175 injury-free innings, but you don't seem to like him because he's old.

As for the 'pen, they're sure putting a lot of eggs in the Duaner-Sanchez--won't-go-on-any-more-late-night-munchie-runs basket.

Yawn. I'm hungry.

This team could probably use more 'tude, I guess. When the going got rough last September, the Mets collectively looked like they needed a hug and a warm bowl of soup.

Yes. That's what they need. More 'tude. YOU WERE DOING SO WELL, LARRY! You identified real problems in the Mets' team! Now you are telling me they need hugs! If Richard Fucking Simmons had been on the 2007 Mets, they would've made the playoffs.

That wasn't the case when things didn't go their way in 2005. They got up, dusted themselves off and started swinging, literally and metaphorically. Besides, I'm from the school that five-game winning streaks tend to cure most chemistry and attitude issues.

I am from that school too. Still, Larry should've supported this point with a stat about how the 2005 Mets actually overcame losing streaks so as to support his assertion that they "literally" did overcome something.

Larry goes on to suggest some solutions, most of which involves the Mets "being aggressive" an "using their market power" which is pretty much "what the Mets have done in the past". I'd write about it, but it gets boring.

Actually, this article isn't all that bad, though it doesn't really say much. I just have a baseball jones and even 80 degree weather in Baton Rouge winters isn't enough to satisfy me.