Same Old College Football Stuff

Some crap from Dennis Dodd's blog at sportsline.com. It's mostly some overwashed garbage about Tate Forcier and all that, but there are a few tidbits that merit mention here:

What we have found during this down time is that college football needs that brand, no matter what form it comes in. The game is better when the major powers are good. Notre Dame is down after Saturday but not out. Penn State keeps winning under Joe Paterno. Oklahoma and Texas keep pumping out 10-win seasons.

This is a similar thesis to what the HatGuy suggested a few weeks ago. I don't know why some writers seem resistant to new blood in the college game. If I were a Boise St., Cincinnati, or BYU fan, I would be pissed. Writers probably love big-name teams doing well since it's easy to research their pasts and throw up an article. It's a lot harder to come by an interesting historical angle on a Boise St. BCS run than it is a Notre Dame BCS run.

4. BYU: Please stop the questions about the Cougars' national championship worthiness if they run the table. Yes, they would deserve to play for it all.

The questions will persist because of BYU's schedule. Props to the BYU AD for scheduling Oklahoma and Florida State - but you can't just say that BYU deserves it right now. I imagine it would take a strange storm of circumstances involving the BCS conference leaders having 1 or 2 losses for BYU to get consideration.

It's Just Poor Presentation

In his "Dodds and Ends" (get it?) blog, Dennis Dodd wanted to make the point that USC is an extremely vulnerable team due to inexperience at quarterback. A somewhat valid point, I suppose.

He cleverly catches readers' attentions with the headline:

Ohio State 55, USC 23

Just for grins, I decided to insert Matt Barkley as the starter for USC against Ohio State in NCAA Football 10.

Really, Dennis? This is your job? No wonder our bloggers hate you. You're as smart as us but your employer pays you to screw around all day while the rest of us have real jobs like law student.

Ohio State won by 32. Barkley, the freshman quarterback, was game in the game but his team was lame. He was yanked quickly after his fumble led to a touchdown. Barkley completed only one of two for 23 yards.

I'm glad I got specific stats on a fucking PlayStation game that Dennis Dodd simulated.

This is the kind of shit that made people get pissed off back when blogs were slowly becoming a big deal: they inspire a lot more writing of a lot lower quality.

Excuse Me While I Cover Like Six Subjects In One Post

My parents are getting their hardwood floors redone. They told me the house was going to be filled with toxic fumes for the next few days as a result and that I needed to leave the basement and get out of the house until Thursday. Well, fuck that, I told them. (I didn't actually say "fuck that," it was more like "Nooooooooo, I don't wanna") I'm 23 years old- they can't tell me what to do. Plus I'm terrified of the sun. Have you ever seen how bright that thing is? My Ecksteinian complexion doesn't like light rays of any kind, unless they're coming off a computer that's showing something related to WARP, VORP, or at least EqA.

Unfortunately though, I think they were right about the fumes. I'm feeling kind of nauseous. These Nutter Butters taste funny. My head is spinning; I feel like Rex Grossman on a Saturday night in December. It's really hard to focus on any one topic for more than a couple minutes (read: I am lazy and didn't find anything big to pick apart tonight), so I'm going to do a few short blurbs on a handful of different articles instead. If you're not cool with that idea, well, come down to my basement and stop me. I dare you. It smells like gas mixed with burnt plastic in here.

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First up, Dennis Dodd gets all hot and bothered about texting an athlete. omg ur so good @ ftbll r u on myspace? ;-)

The hype is building for the nation's No. 1 recruit.

Terrelle Pryor told me Friday that he is not visiting Oregon just yet. There was a report out there that the Jeannette, Pa., High quarterback might take a trip out to Eugene this weekend. Oregon offensive coordinator Chip Kelly has been doggedly pursuing him to run Oregon's spread option.

Pryor didn't exactly "tell" me he wasn't visiting Oregon. We exchanged text messages. It struck me that I've got better access to the kid than any recruiter, because of restrictive NCAA rules.

Easy there, Peter King. It's great that you enjoy your job and its perks. But most readers are probably not nearly as impressed with the fact that you have some dude's cell number as you think. Is Pryor even 18 yet? With they way they're tightening up pederast laws these days, this might not even be legal.

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As we all know, along with the hype about the upcoming "Big Game" this Sunday comes additional hype about those famous commercials that will debut during its numerous breaks in action. Let me just propose a few rules regarding them.

1) Talking animals are almost never funny.

2) Talking babies are never funny.

3) Carlos Mencia is never funny, ever, under any circumstances.

4) If you're throwing a party and one of your guests makes a joke about how "[They] only watch the game to see the commercials, LOL, look how original [they] [are]!" it's OK to make them leave. If you're not hosting the party but overhear such a joke at someone else's, it should be reported to the host or hostess.

Please keep these in mind both next weekend and beyond as some of the ads make their way into regular rotation. If you disagree with any of them, you are unfunny. Sorry. Please keep your mouth shut if you and I ever end up watching TV together for some reason.

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This isn't bad journalism, but is definitely an insane topic. Did this really need to be written? Are there actually people out there stupid enough to think that even the best NCAA team could get within 40 points of the worst NBA team? If so, I hope they aren't reproducing. The world of sports has enough idiots in it already.

Here's a trivia question: which of the following pairs of leagues have the smallest talent gap between them?

A: NCAA Football and the NFL
B: NCAA Basketball and the NBA
C: MLS and the EPL/La Liga/Serie A
D: The And1 All-Stars and the NBA (I've heard some dumbass kid try to argue this one before)
E: None of them are anywhere close to close. You're out of your flipping gourd if you think otherwise, or want to break things down far enough to answer the question. That's like trying to figure out whether the gap between the Beatles and Good Charlotte is bigger or smaller than the gap between Guns N' Roses and Buckcherry.

The answer is E.

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CNNSI's Cliff Corcoran weighs in on possible destinations for Barry Bonds this upcoming season. It's not a horrible article top to bottom, but certainly has its patches of garbage. He analyzes the chances of all 30 teams in the article.

Rockies: The holier-than-though Rockies would likely object to adding Bonds on moral (and financial) grounds, but in the most competitive division in baseball, every extra win counts, and Bonds would greatly improve their road performance.

"Hmmm, I don't know much about the Rockies... meh, I'll just say they wouldn't sign Bonds because they're a bunch of religious douchebags!" Christ (no pun intended). That USA Today story from 2005 about the Rockies and their love for the baby Jesus might be the most unintentionally damaging piece of journalism ever written about a team. At the time I'm sure the team appreciated the press and the article was obviously not intended to be malicious. Two and a half years later, however, it's become the fallback joke and horribly awful analytical tool for ignorant journalists everywhere.

Let me give you the real reason the Rockies would never consider signing Bonds, besides the fact that Coors Field has a massive outfield which would tragically expose Bonds's gimpiness. Let's just put it this way: they're pretty well taken care of in left field.

Diamondbacks: The D-Backs have a perfect platoon partner for Bonds in left fielder Eric Byrnes

I'll just stop you right there. Look, Byrnes isn't exactly great. Last year he OPS+ed 104. I'm not here to claim he's some kind of future HOFer. His career line against rightes is .256/.318/.423. That's pretty bad. But last year it was .297/.360/.462. That's pretty darn good. Like, don't-platoon-this-guy good. He also added plenty of value by stealing 50 bases while only getting caught 7 times. And his defense, while annoying to watch (seriously dude, you don't have to do a somersault every time you throw the ball), is passable. Meanwhile, his team is going to be running out a 20 year old RF who hit .221 in limited action last year and might not be ready for the show yet. Their SS OPS+ed 72 last year. Assuming Tony Clark is gone, their bench includes exactly zero guys who can hit worth dick. And you're going to suggest... let me get this straight... that it would be a good idea for them to drop a bunch of money on Bonds... so he can platoon with a right-handed guy who OPSed .820 against righties last year? Arizona has much, much bigger problems than Byrnes.

Angels: The best fit for Bonds in the AL would actually be the Angels, despite the fact that they enter the season as the only team likely to take their division with ease and appear to have a very crowded outfield of their own. That the Angels will pay Gary Matthews Jr. $42 million over the next four seasons doesn't make him any more than the fourth outfielder he's always been save for that one life-changing season in Texas, while Reggie Willits profiles very well as a fifth-outfielder given that he's still earning the league minimum.

Although the Angels desperately need power in their lineup, I'm still going to say Reggie Willits is better than Gary Matthews Jr. I don't really care how much money each is making. I'm more concerned with, you know, how well they play on the field. Although Willits has all the pop of Juan Pierre (less, actually), he still managed to out-OPS Matthews last year. Having a .391 OBP will help that happen.

Corcoran's top choice for where he thinks Bonds will go is San Diego. Cute thought, but I'll give you a dollar if he signs with an NL team. Just send a self addressed and stamped envelope to my basement with an 18 cent processing fee.

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Finally, I know Roger Clemens is innocent until proven guilty. But given the response of pretty much every single other player named in the Mitchell Report to their inclusion, it seems extremely likely he took steroids. McNamee had no motive to lie. Anyways, his agent isn't letting him go down without a fight. I'll let the AP and CBSSportsline's headline department describe what actions the agent is taking in his client's defense.

Clemens' agent releases statistical report to refute steroids allegations

Clemens went 40-39 in his last four seasons with the Red Sox, and when the pitcher left Boston's general manager at the time, Dan Duquette, said Clemens was in the "twilight" of his career. Clemens was 192-111 with the Red Sox and won three Cy Young Awards and an MVP, then went 162-73 with Toronto, the New York Yankees and Houston, winning four Cy Youngs.

Great plan. The worst stretch of Clemens' career is the above-mentioned last four years in Boston, spanning from 1993 to 1996. Then things suddenly turned around in 1997 when he went to Toronto. McNamee first connected him to roids in 1998, and didn't say that was the first time Clemens used. He easily could have started a year earlier than when McNamee became his needle buddy. So, yeah! What a perfect idea! Let's compile a report, showing that he was starting to decline during his early 30s (he was still pretty good, but definitely relatively declining compared to the rest of his career to that point), then got great again at almost the exact same time his alleged steroid use started! I understand these are tough times if you're employed in the business of making Roger Clemens look innocent, but this seems like a real General Custer at Little Bighorn of a decision. Might as well try to prove he didn't use steroids by pointing out that his home run totals throughout the course of his career are very consistent.

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Thanks for indulging my temporary ADD. I'll be back tomorrow with a post that isn't just a lazy cop-out.

Dennis Dodd, You Are An Embarrassment

I hate Ohio State football. So much. I hate their coach, I hate their program, I continue to hate their players if and when they make it to the NFL, and I especially hate their fans. And it's not like I went to Michigan or something. I grew up in Colorado and didn't go to a Big Ten school. In fact, my university only played the Buckeyes once during the four years I spent there. But that experience plus what I've learned about them after researching graduation rates was more than enough to make them one of my most hated teams. Quite frankly, everything about OSU football pisses me off.

And yet, here I am, ready to lambaste Dennis Dodd for writing a column which basically shits all over them. It's going to be weird. Since I'm doing this in spite of my hatred, you know the article in question has to be really, really bad. And it is. Let's count Dennis's absolutely pathetic attempts at comedy.

Spread the word: Mizzou-West Virginia is the game to watch

Missouri is on the front page of the New York Times today.

Ohio State is not on the front page of the New York Times, unless Maurice Clarett was just named a GA.

Buh-zing! Starting off an anti OSU piece with a Clarett joke. Very original. That's uncharted, virgin territory right there. Bad joke #1.

Ohio State is old news. Real old news. Like finding the entire first season of Freaks and Geeks half off, old.

A Freaks and Geeks reference. Awesome. Bad joke #2.

The same goes for both the football team and the sitcom: Who wants to see that again?

And who wants to read about it in a sports column?

That's why Ohio State-West Virginia in the BCS title game does nothing for me. If the center holds, those two teams should not be playing for it all after the haze clears this weekend. That's assuming a lot considering this season, but for some reason or other Mike Freeman finds it a sexy matchup.

This is a reference to Dodd's CBSSportsline colleague Freeman, who somehow managed to write an article about this same topic that might be worse than this one. If I have time, I'll address it tomorrow. Let's just say Freeman has a tiny brain and leave it at that for now.

Sexy? Grab the makeup case, dude, we've got some work to do. What are we going to learn, that the Buckeyes still can't defend the spread? That the site of the championship game matches the description of their schedule?


The Big Easy.

Bad joke #3.

Before you Luckeyes light up the message boards, three syllables for you: Ill-i-nois.

Even Bill Simmons doesn't flagrantly taunt fans of teams he doesn't like as directly as this. This is the opposite of responsible journalism. This is what you post on internet message boards or yell at OSU fans across a parking lot before your team plays them. I'm not trying to be Mr. Uptight Nofun Crabbypants, but something like that simply doesn't belong in an article that gets published on a major sports website.

How many of you were booking New Orleans two weeks ago when the Ohio State University dropped to seventh in the BCS?

That "THE (pause) Ohio State University" thing is really annoying, so I won't count this as a bad joke. It's close though.

No, the best matchup for everyone's health and welfare is Missouri-West Virginia. They are the poster children for what has shaped this season. The two best executioners of the spread option/zone read/shotgun blast, ah, whatever. You know it when you see it.

The spread offense has been the biggest reason this has been the highest-scoring season in history. It can't be stopped. Balls flying in the air. End arounds. Quarterbacks (well, Tim Tebow) running for 22 touchdowns. Tailbacks (Darren McFadden) playing quarterback.

Do you know the three highest-scoring games in history have been played in the past five weeks?

Do you know that the overtime format that allows these high scoring games to happen has been in place less than 10 years? This juicy little tidbit is about as relevant as the fact that Derek Jeter is MLB's all time postseason hits leader. More games/overtime periods equal more chances to get hits/score points. It's not very complicated.

Do you know that the nation's 1-2 teams each average more than 41 points? Do you know that Missouri is the only team in the country to score at least 31 points every time out? Do you know that West Virginia just dropped 66 on Connecticut?

And neither Jim Calhoun nor Bob Huggins were involved?

That's hilarious! Because that number of points is commonly associated with a college basketball game, and those two gentlemen coach the men's basketball teams at those two universities! I get it! So much comedy. I really love it when a contest that takes place in a certain sport ends with a number of scored points that is commonly associated with another sport, and commentators/writers/analysts point out that idiosyncrasy! Examples:

Baseball score: 14-13 Sportswriter: "Looks like the losing team missed the extra point!"
Football score: 9-7 Sportswriter: "They were passing the ball around with sticks that had little nets on the end. It was like a lacrosse game out there!"
Basketball score: 119-114 Sportswriter: "Sounds like both teams brought their cricket bats, and played cricket instead of basketball!"

And so on and so forth. Man, that just cracks me up every time it happens.

Gag.

College football has morphed into the equivalent of gorging on a pizza with everything -- without the guilt.

I don't even know if that's a joke. It could be... maybe? Just for bringing up the concept of feeling guilty about eating pizza (what is this, a "Cathy" cartoon strip?), I'm counting it. That's four.

Disney should be working on a new theme park right now.

The Chase Daniel Experience?

That's five. Also, are there even any Disney parks titled "The ______ Experience"? Wouldn't this non-joke work better if the punchline were "Chase Daniel World" or the setup were "A progressive rock band should be working on a new album right now"?

If the NCAA decides to make a highlight film of 2007, it should be 15 minutes of Missouri's offense, 15 minutes of West Virginia's offense and 30 minutes of a defensive back with his weeping face buried in his hands.

Six.

West Virginia and Missouri conjure visions of pinball machines. The nation's No. 2 rushing offense -- ping! ping! ping! -- vs. the country's No. 5 passing offense.

Seven. Pinball? What year are we in? (No offense to any of our older readers who might have grown up with pinball and still enjoy it.)

You'd need a curfew because the championship game starts at 7 p.m. local time. Five hours later we'd be in the third quarter.

Who would need a curfew? Minors? Everyone? This is incomplete. I'm calling it number eight.

Ohio State? There's no story there. Sen. Jim Tressel (R-Columbus)

Nine. I was hoping for a sweater vest joke.

and his well-rested squad spent 51 days last year getting ready for a game they lost by 27 points. This time they would have sat on their, uh, laurels

What a funny synonym for, uh, asses!

for 15 days before being awarded a trip to New Orleans. That isn't game prep, it's water boarding.

Very topical. Still bad joke number 10, because waiting for a bowl invitation has nothing in common with being in pain/being tortured. If you want to say "Watching Ohio State in the National Championship Game would be like water boarding," well, I'll listen to that. Even though it's still dumb.

The reigning mood would be irony. In a rebuilding year the Bucks somehow got back to the championship game after losing to an unranked team at home.

That is not irony. It would be irony, if, for example, last year Ohio State had been unranked and beaten #1 Michigan in the Big House, knocking them out of the title game. But that's not what happened. In fact, there is nothing ironic about what happened.

Gee, what a heart-warming story. Someone please pass me a Kleenex.

Again with the flagrant taunting. As much as I hate OSU, it's pretty awkward and off-putting.

The game, dear Michael, is reinventing itself in front of our eyes. The Tigers and Mountaineers would take our hands and lead us into the 21st century. I counted four receivers for Missouri on Saturday night that I thought could play in the NFL.

If Dennis Dodd says so, then it must be true. I hope those guys have all hired agents and booked flights to New York for the last weekend in April.

Wideout/return man Jeremy Maclin is the best all-purpose return guy since Reggie Bush.

What the hell is an all-purpose return guy? A guy who returns both punts and kicks? That's like saying a running back who stays in to block on passing downs is an all-purpose backfield guy.

West Virginia's Rich Rodriguez practically invented the spread. He was running it 15 years ago at Glenville State. The Mountaineers have won at least a share of four of the past five Big East titles.

An odd assemblage of simple facts with no punchline. How did this get in here?

You're not looking for the best game, Mike, you're looking for a brand name. Well, shucks, Nebraska isn't available so why not Ohio State?

That's eleven, although it's really more nonsensical than unfunny. Clearly anyone who thinks OSU belongs in the title game is purely interested in "brand names." I mean, it's not like they're one of only four teams in D-I (yes, I'm still calling it D-I, what the hell is this FBS/FCS bullshit?) with less than two losses. I mean, again, I hate them and they've beaten exactly no one so far this year. Still- dumb. Dumb dumb dumb.

As I mentioned, the game is changing around us. Twelve teams in the top five have lost to unranked teams this season.

Ohio State is the only one of the dozen still in realistic championship contention.

That's because they're the only one of the dozen to not lose to anyone else. Of course, they didn't really play anyone else. But facts are facts. USC lost to Oregon. LSU lost to Arkansas. Losing once is generally viewed as better than losing twice, regardless of schedule strength. It's the way things go.

In the interest of full disclosure, yes, I am a Missouri grad. We've all got to be from somewhere.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh! How interesting! No wonder he thinks Missouri has four NFL caliber receivers.

But I'm also a Tiger who picked Kansas last week.

Irrelevant.

My degree doesn't disqualify me from weighing in on the topic.

No, but your bad sense of humor should disqualify you from writing jokes.

I know Missouri's current entertainment value. It has earned its place at No. 1 if suffering counts for anything. This is a program that once gave up 77 to Oklahoma -- and scored zero. I know that fans waited 14 years between bowl games from 1983 to 1997. I know that we, er, they also had a coach flashing a Super Bowl ring (yes, Missouri had its own Charlie Weis), now he coordinates the defense for New Mexico State. Thanks, Woody Widenhofer.

All irrelevant.

For the sake of keeping everyone awake until Jan. 7, make it the best game. The sexiest game.


Yeah, baby.

"Yeah, baby" indeed. Sex? Yes please! Thanks for giving us a nice round number of terrible jokes by closing out the column with number 12. And this might be the worst of the bunch. Austin Powers... yeah, I remember when that was relevant... like six or seven years ago. Might as well have wrapped things up with a Baja Men reference.

Who let the Dennis Dodd out?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA