Bill's mailbag will give you herpes

Much like I interrupted the series of Simmons FREE JIM RICE article posts to cover Rick Reilly's attempt to serve as a lobbyist for the Ricketts family, I'm interrupting my breakdown of Simmons's breakdown of the Heat/Bulls game to cover a mailbag he put out last Friday.  Trying to be topical.  The Heat/Bulls game is already old news regardless of whether I continue to post about it tonight or Wednesday; this mailbag contains a bunch of stuff that deserves to be called out as stupid RIGHT THIS SECOND.

So Nino from Queens sent me the following e-mail: "I saw you on TV the other night and told my 3yr old son that Bill Simmons is so big headed that he cant do a little old mailbag anymore. 

Nino is a zilch--obviously mailbag columns are Bill's favorite thing to write, because 1) the readers do half the writing for him and 2) the questions/emails he chooses to print validate every dumb idea he's already ever had.

My son asked what is big headed daddy? And I replied thats when you forgot where your came from. My son replied by saying 'silly.' He says everything is 'silly' these days but it was perfect timing on his part. 

This story is already substantially more interesting that any story Simmons has ever told about his kids.

Come on, Nino, couldn't you have just written, "I'd love for you to write another mailbag soon, I really enjoy them"?  But thanks for the wakeup call. I can't disappoint Nino or little Nino Jr. As always, these are actual e-mails from actual readers.

A truly captivating introduction.  Guy sent an email in which he very, very gingerly insulted Bill.  Bill asked that guy to not insult him and instead be polite.  AND WE'RE OFF TO A FLYING START.

Q: Where does Worm go when he leaves Binghamton?
—Jeff, OKC

Rounders is a perfectly acceptable movie.  It's a solid B.  It's not really worth getting excited about.  There are dozens and dozens of other good gambling movies out there.

[Bill publishes an email from the writers of Rounders, in which they claim (dubiously) that there is a script for Rounders 2, and that Norton/Damon/Turturro/whoever are totally ready to begin shooting]

Wait … what?????? Matt, Edward, John and the rest of us are all set to go. It's that easy? What are we waiting for? Who's not going to see Rounders 2? Can't somebody fund this already? What the hell is happening? How am I supposed to finish the mailbag now?

Of course Bill is infatuated with Rounders, which is maybe one of the top 500 movies of the 90s.  Of course.

Q: I have a new idea for a reality TV show. It's called "Jeer Factor." Basically, it's a contest to find out which situation causes the highest volume of boos: parading Fidel Castro through Little Havana, LeBron James through Cleveland, Kim Jong Sun through Seoul, and Bernard Pollard through Boston. What do you think?
—Colin, Jacksonville

OW-UH SPARTS TRAGEDIES AHHHH JUST AS IMPOHHTANT AS INTAHNATIONAL PAWLUHTICS!

SG: Here's a more realistic idea: Is there a way to figure out which opposing athlete's jersey would go over the worst in a local sports bar? 

No, there is not, and you're a fucking dunce for even having that thought.

Q: You mentioned in your LeBron column that you hate only five teams, and I was shocked to see the Jets not on the list. As a Pats fan, how do they not make your blood boil? They might be my least favorite team in all of sports other than the evil Iceland team from the second Mighty Ducks movie and Kentucky from Glory Road.
—Chris, Perth

Yes, these are Bill's readers, who cannot talk about sports without talking about movies or TV, because who has the attention span to just pay attention to (and discuss) sports?  WHICH SOPRANOS CHARACTER IS EACH MEMBER OF THE 2007-2008 CELTICS?  WHO SAYS NO?

SG: I know they had a nice little mini-run of relevance and hate-ability, but please, let's not forget the DNA of the New York Jets: one great playoff moment that happened 44 years ago, followed by Joe Namath quickly becoming the most overrated QB who ever lived (look up the stats, it's true); Ken O'Brien over Dan Marino; 

And then he goes on and on.  I have to agree with him, though.  The Jets really are historically pathetic.

Q: In a 2009 mailbag (scroll down to end) you compared Tiger Woods to Don Draper. With Tiger regaining his No. 1 ranking and dating Lindsey Vonn, is this now the equivalent of when Draper married Megan and seemingly regained his mojo in Season 5?
—Kyle, Cambridge, MA

Dear Bill, I like sports a lot.  I like them so much that I have an important question to ask you about Mad Men.

Q: Do you have any idea how lucky you are to watch Jackie Bradley Jr on a daily basis?
—Pete Shahid, Charleston, SC

SG: Yes! I'm well aware! Jay-Bee-Jay! Jay-Bee-Jay! Jay-Bee-Jay! Jay-Bee-Jay! Jay-Bee-Jay! Sorry, I interrupted you … keep going.

Let's see Red Sox fans stay giddy with excitement over their new superprospect the first time he goes through a 2-for-20 slump.  HE'S NOTHING BUT ANOTHAH CAWRL CRAHHHHFAHD!  FACK HIM!

This e-mail gave me flashbacks to those NC State and Wisconsin alums gushing about Russell Wilson in my inbox last summer. Could JBJ become baseball's Russell Wilson — one of those absurdly likable athletes who transcends stats, says things like "I don't get nervous to tell you the truth" (an actual JBJ quote), gets better when it matters, and almost seems too good to be true? 

They're both undersized fast black guys.  Gotta be the same person, right?  

Here's the point: The Red Sox took heat for starting Bradley on Opening Day over sending him down for two weeks, then bringing up him in mid-April so they could delay his free agency for a year. And if they were Tampa Bay or Pittsburgh, I get it — small-market teams should always protect themselves against potential stars fleeing for big bucks as long as they can. But the Red Sox have gobs of money to spend every season, as well as a much bigger immediate dilemma: Their fan base had turned on the owners and couldn't have been less excited about this year's team. 

As Chris W explained it: March 2013--Red Sox not in first place, fans not sure whether to be excited about the team.  April 2013--Red Sox in first place, fans confident that it's OK to be excited about the team.

That left the Red Sox with two choices.

Choice A: Send Bradley down for two weeks, look like cheapskates, weaken this year's team for the first two weeks, derail his momentum after a sparkling spring training.

Yeah, look where it got the Nationals with Bryce Harper last year!

Choice B: Reward Bradley by bringing him up right away, get the fans excited, hope he helps the team get off to a monster start, then ride the ensuing momentum to a "NOBODY BELIEVED IN US!" season

No one believed we could field a competitive team with a $160MM payroll, but here we are!

Q: A friend of mine and I have been following you since 1999. We were trying to figure out how many words you have printed since that time. Rules: no Twitter/Instant Media, and no support (you get credit for the comments in the mailbag, but not the mailbag itself). The Over/Under is 2.5 million words. I took the over; hoping that the books cover the slow slide in weekly production. As there is a case of Johnnie Walker Blue resting on it, maybe you can settle the answer. 

SWEET STAKES, BRO!  I can't think of anything that would sooner disqualify a person from being someone I would like to be in the same room with than betting on Bill Simmons.

Still a fan.
—John, Houston

SG: Way way way way way over. Let's say I averaged 5,000 words per week since 1999, which feels super low to me. 

You write like five columns a year at this point.  Let's tap the brakes with regards to that estimate.

Q: In light of Washington's recent play (beating the Lakers, Grizzles and seemingly everyone else) would they not be considered one of the best proponents for your 'Entertaining as Hell Tournament'? 

Ah, a callback to one of Bill's worst ever WHO SAYS NO??? ideas.  In this case, the answer is: the players' union, the owners, and every team that makes the playoffs as a top eight seed and is eager to get them underway.

SG: For a quick refresher, check this footnote. Why wouldn't we reward late bloomers, discourage tanking, tighten the playoff race, create more win-or-go-home games and basically do everything that that EAH Tournament allows? 

That's what the NBA needs--more teams eligible for the postseason!

And by the way, how could you enjoy what happened to Florida Gulf Coast this month and NOT like this idea?

If you're not a fucking idiot?

Q: In Boogie Nights, 

It is 2013.  No one cares.

Q: Do you get a boner every time you type Lebron James?
—Joseph Watley III

SG: Not every time.

(Nodding silently.)

Q: You know there's an ex-college linebacker named Marlon on the Real World this season, right? He started for three seasons and was an honorable mention all Big 12 at Texas Tech. A former college athlete who wasn't able to make money as a professional has now turned his attention to getting on the challenge and dominating in order to make a living? This is the next step in making The Challenge America's fifth major sport! 

Unlike Boogie Nights, not only is The Challenge irrelevant now, it has also always been irrelevant.

Q: You wrote: "LeBron allowing Hinrich to keep driving past him so he could block the ensuing layup. I've been watching basketball forever … I have NEVER seen that before." In fairness, Lucas did that to his half-brother Nathan in the deciding point of the epic one on one playground battle on the River Court on One Tree Hill.

God dammit.

Q: Why wouldn't Oscar Pistorius blame a jealous one-armed man for the murder of his girlfriend? There's clearly motive: the one-armed man could have been jealous of Pistorius's fame because he couldn't achieve the same Olympic fame. Why can't Lifetime show, The Fugitive: South Africa? Think of Pistorius's on the edge of a waterfall diving 100 feet with specialized flippers after screaming "You find that man!" to Jack Bauer or something.
—Alex Futter, West Lafayette, IN

That guy is almost funny enough to be a commenter on Deadspin.

SG: These are all fantastic questions and I don't have answers. 

This is what happens in the echo chamber of stupid that is a Simmons mailbag.

Q: So when did Brady and Belichick officially morph into Jim Kelly and Marv Levy?
—Jeff Ruder, Victoria, BC

SG: Too. Soon.

That one is actually a keeper.  Good for Jeff.

Q: Is it just me or is the Amendola for Welker swap eerily similar to the Celtics downgrading from Ray to Jet.
—Ben R., Philadelphia

SG:  The bigger point: Why would the NFL stick with a salary cap that effectively prevents ANY signature guy from finishing with the team that made him a signature guy? 

Yeah!  Why wasn't the #1 goal of both sides during the CBA negotiations last year to make sure OW-UH GRITTY WHITE GUYS are able to retire as OW-UH GRITTY WHITE GUYS?  Putting aside the fact that the Patriots were in no way unable to sign Welker due to salary cap reasons (which is a monstrous boulder of a thing to put aside, but let's do it anyways), I think we can all agree that ensuring that guys like Welker be able to finish their careers with the teams that made them "signature guys" was definitely more important than the 100 other extremely important issues that needed to be hammered out.

Q: Wouldn't the sport of hockey be infinitely more entertaining if the penalty box was converted into a sensory deprivation chamber? 

Holy fuckballs, no, no it wouldn't!  It would be exactly like hockey is now, but with a stupider penalty enforcement mechanism!

I'm talking no light, no sound, no nothing. When players take a penalty they have to spend a whole two minutes in the dark and silence while they feel shame. Not only that, this would mean that when the penalty is over, players get to fall out of the chamber and onto the ice with the same look of disorientation of a newborn baby. Granted, players would end up taking less penalties as the penalty box would now be as scary as the "Boo Box" in the movie "Hook" albeit with less scorpions. What say you Sports Czar? Are less power plays worth the added entertainment value?
—Eric T., Montreal

Eric T. from Montreal, I'm going to say this as nicely as I can: you're an unfunny, unclever, worthless sack of shit.

SG: Let's at least try this in the KHL or OHL to see if this works. But I'm glad you brought it up. 

Of course he is.

Here's the crucial point about Junior: He's the only home run hitter from the 1990s and 2000s who makes everyone definitively say, "Well, at least we know HE wasn't cheating." 

If you think Jim Thome, Adam Dunn or Frank Thomas are/were juicing, you know nothing about baseball.  Oh, right, almost forgot, Bill knows nothing about baseball.

What's weird is that Frank Thomas was defiantly anti-PEDs even during his playing career, and never gave anyone any reason to think he might have been cheating … but somehow Griffey grabbed the "Well, at least we know HE wasn't cheating torch." Sorry, Big Hurt.

Please reconsider your use of "only" in the previous sentence.

Q: What would be the most devastating PED story ever? 

I don't know, but I'm sure Rick Reilly's coverage of it would be much worse than any grief anyone felt as a direct result of learning about the story itself.

Q: okay, so you are on my "list", you know, the "list" i have w/ my husband that if i were ever to meet you i could hook up w/ you and he wouldn't divorce me. 

It's funny how Bill thinks that simply not using capital letters is a good way to disguise an obviously fabricated email.

(Remember my "De Niro or Pacino?" argument from a 2002 mailbag?)

I certainly don't, and hopefully no one else does either.  Remembering that takes up valuable brain space that could be instead used for anyfuckingthing else.

Q: What does it say about your NBA team when they have been in an arena for 25 years, only this was voted as the biggest moment of the arena by a local radio show?
—Andy Diehl, Madison, WI

The link led to a story about a WWE event that took place where the Bucks play.

SG: It says, "If Seattle doesn't get the Kings, it's getting the Bucks." I'm only half-joking, by the way.

I include this only to serve as a teaser: I am at the end of my fucking rope with the self-pity that Supersonics fans have been publicly drowning themselves in for FIVE FUCKING YEARS NOW.  I'm going to write a long-ass post about it sometime in the next couple of months.  Their team relocated, something that has only happened like twenty other times in NBA history and dozens and dozens more in the other "big four" sports, and they've turned it into their own little 9/11.  Meanwhile, they still have an NFL team and an MLB team to cheer for.  I know Hartford and Quebec City are not as populous as Seattle, but both of those cities lost their only profesional sports team in the last twenty years.  You don't hear the constant wailing of a thousand tortured souls coming out of those places, do you?  That's probably because the fans of those teams got over it and learned that life goes on, something which Seattle sports fans seem completely incapable of.

I can't tell which I would enjoy more: for the Kings to end up staying in Sacramento thanks to a last second deal that was brokered by Clay Bennett, or for Seattle to get the Kings, and then to get to listen to Seattle fans explain why the time their city "stole" (using that term loosely, you know what I mean) a team from another city because of that team's shitty owners is SO DIFFERENT than the time another city stole a team from their city because of their former team's shitty owners.  Fuck you, Sonics fans.  I'm sure some of them are cool and rational, but there are a whole shitload of very uncool and very irrational ones out there polluting the internet with their bitching.  I'm sick of it.

Q: Wasn't losing Wilson the best thing that could have happened to Tom Hanks in Cast Away? 

OK, I'm done.

Gregg: Stooping lower and lower with each passing week

This post is not going to be extensive enough to get the TMQR label.  It's also about an incident that's already a week old.  I am ashamed of myself and I will try to write my usual two shitty copout posts this week as opposed to the single one I wrote last week.  Anyways, I'm sure it's painfully clear to everyone that Gregggggg is in the business of pushing certain stories/lessons.  Undrafted players who have been cut at one point or another are awesome.  Punting is terrible.  Tenths of seconds do not actually exist.  And of course, many players (particularly those MEGABUCKS GLOREE BOYS) are stupid dumb idiots who do stupid stuff like celebrate excessively because they're morons who only care about themselves.  (To his credit, he has occasionally taken the side of the players during certain incidents where they were penalized or fined for TD celebrations.  So he's not completely anti-celebration under all circumstances.  But he also frequently references the stupid white guy "GRRR I HATE HOW THESE PLAYERS LIKE TO DANCE WHEN THEY MAKE A GOOD PLAY, THEIR EGOS ARE TOO BIG" bullshit.  Also, to his discredit, about a hundred different things.)

Now, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if he only pushed his perspective on these items on his readers when events warranted such pushing.  I mean, it would still be pretty bad, but if he were always honest about the facts that led to his referencing his perspective, I could maybe tolerate that.  Sadly, he's so obsessed with pushing his narrative that he can't even surmount that extremely low threshold for my maybe tolerance.  Rather, when he needs to make one of his points, he's more than happy to change facts.  You've probably already seen this, but if you haven't, watch it again, and then join me in celebrating Gregg's complete and total assholery.

Single Worst Play of the Season -- So Far: Trailing 31-28, the Redskins faced third-and-8 at the St. Louis 36 with 1:27 remaining. RG3 threw a 7-yard completion to Josh Morgan, advancing Washington to the 29 and field goal range. More concerned with attention for himself than victory for his team, Morgan celebrated by throwing the ball at a Rams defender. Unsportsmanlike conduct pushed Washington back to the 44, where a desperation field goal try sailed far off the mark.

If I had just started reading TMQ, I might give him a pass for that patently incorrect assessment of why Morgan threw the ball at Cortland Finnegan as perhaps being the result of Gregg not actually watching the play (and maybe having had it explained to him second hand by someone even dumber than he is).  But at this point, I know his game.  I know he watches highlights from every game before he writes.  And I'm 99% sure that in this case, he saw the play lives, since he lives in the DC area.  No no no no--this is not misinterpretation.  This is intentional deception, because it tickles his balls to tell his readers about a ME FIRST player doing something that cripples his team's chances at winning.  Note that he doesn't identify Finnegan by name.  I promise you he knows that Finnegan was the Ram who had the ball thrown at him.  But Finnegan is known as an agitator by most fans, so naming Finnegan might cause the TMQ readers who didn't see or hear about the play and who take Gregg as gospel to question whether Morgan was celebrating or angrily lashing back at a guy who was (as usual) being a complete and total pain in the dick to line up against.  I'm telling you, Gregg knew exactly what he was doing when he wrote that paragraph.  The dots are all there, we just have to connect them.  WAKE UP, SHEEPLE.  Gregg is such a cuntswabber.  He's just the absolute fucking worst.

Bonus idiocy:

Many sports commentators have noted this knucklehead move by Morgan deprived the Skins of a makeable field goal to force overtime. But consider -- it would have been fourth-and-1 on Les Mouflons' 29. Washington rushed for 176 yards on the game, a 6.1-yard average. 

And each and everyone one of their previous rushing attempts in the game came on 4th and 1!  That piece of data is now even truthier than it was before.  I know I just spent like 500 words telling you that Gregg is smarter than he appears; that he's not accidentally misinterpreting events, he's lying about them outright to advance his agenda.  But let me just walk that back a couple of steps: in this case, I really think he is enough of a doofus to think that a team's expected number of yards gained on 4th and 1 with the game on the line can be accurately estimated by taking their average yards per play gained throughout the course of the game to that point.  Yeah, you know what, sometimes he really is just a total shitbrain.

The Redskins could have gone for the first down and positioned themselves to win outright with a touchdown.

FORTUNE FAVORS THE BOLD!!!!!!!  EXCEPT WITH BLITZING--DON'T EVER EVER BLITZ, BECAUSE THE OTHER TEAM MIGHT SCORE WHEN YOU DO, AND THEN IT'LL BE ALL YOUR FAULT.  (If I were more awake right now, this is where I'd put an angry paragraph or two about how Stanford closed out their upset win over USC last week by blitzing on every single play of USC's final drive.  BUT WAIT, MATT BARKLEY IS A GOOD QB!  IT'S ESPECIALLY DUMB TO BLITZ GOOD QBS, THEY ACTUALLY WANT YOU TO DO IT!  YOU'RE HANDING THEM FREE TOUCHDOWNS!  And yes, this is a whole post referencing two games that happened 7+ days ago.  Sometimes, you come up with an idea for a post, and then time passes and the subject matter of the post is old news, and then you say fuck it, I'm writing the post anyways.)

Josh Morgan, you are guilty of the single worst play of the season -- so far.

DIE.

Duh Gee Mr. Bill Sports Man I Sure Think Yer Smart n' Funny So Here's a Letter Sayin' That Stuff

I didn't think there was a way for him to become any more insufferable, but Bill's mailbags are getting progressively more self-serving every time he runs one.

Q: LeBron made announcement at 6:27 pm PT. Surprised he didn't do it at 6:24 so he'd be guaranteed to be Finals MVP next year.
-- Ryan, Indianapolis

SG: (Shhhhhhhhhhh.)

Q: For my 24th birthday, my roommates bet me I couldn't take 24 shots. They were right and I only made it 6 shots before I blew chunks. Thankfully, my roommate is a Lakers fan and he still named me MVP of my birthday.
-- Dan, Davis, Calif.

SG: (Shhhhhhhhh … no talking in the dugout.)

Hey, I tried to warn you last week- this isn't going to stop. For at least a year, or possibly ever. He'll write a Super Bowl preview article (as long as the Patriots make it... /rimshot) six months from now that features fifteen "6 for 24" jokes. It's inevitable. I mean, it's not like Kobe led all players from both teams in scoring during six of the seven games (including game seven, where pretty much no one on either team could have thrown the ball in the ocean if they were standing on the beach). Or averaged 27, 8 rebounds, 4 assists, and 2 steals for the series. Pau Gasol, presumably Bill's pick for the award (GUESS WHAT COLOR PAU'S SKIN IS?), was probably better than Kobe in games two and seven. But Kobe probably owned the other five games, and played well enough when the chips were down in the 4th quarter of game seven (1/3 from the field, 8/9 from the free throw line, 4 rebounds).

Let's take a peek at the stats for 2008 Finals MVP Paul "I flash gang signs on the court, but I'm too much of a dipshit to cop to doing so, oh and I also fake injuries and one time I got stabbed in the face" Pierce. What's that? 2 for 14 from the field in a game three loss? 4 for 13 in the game six series clincher? HOW COULD THIS MAN HAVE POSSIBLY WON THE SERIES MVP, THIS IS THE GREATEST TRAVESTY SINCE THE PATRIOTS MISSED THE 2009 NFL PLAYOFFS WITH AN 11-5 RECORD

Q: Would you have disagreed with an Atlanta Hawks fan assassinating Joe Johnson before he could sign that max $120 million contract?
-- Jared, Milwaukee

SG: I disagree with premeditated murder in all forms. Just one of my controversial takes on life. But you did stumble upon a fantastic sports movie idea: A die-hard Minnesota fan tortured by years of losing finally snaps after bumbling Wolves general manager David Kane (played by Greg Kinnear) signs overrated franchise player Ruben Tugg (played by Drake) to a franchise-crippling $120 million deal, then vows on a sports radio show to murder Tugg in the 10 days leading up to July 15 (when Tugg can officially sign the contract), prompting Minneapolis police to

This goes on for like ten more sentences. Douchechills. I think Bill needs a VP of Common Sense to edit his columns and tell him when to cut out 400 word non-jokes.

Q: The Decision had to be one of the five biggest days in the history of the NBA to not happen on the court. What would be your top 5 for this category? For me it goes like this: 1. Magic announces he has HIV; 2. Jordan's first retirement; 3. The Decision; 4. Len Bias; 5. Jordan announcing he's coming back. Your thoughts?
-- Luke, Rochester, N.Y.

SG: Mine goes like this: (1) Magic/HIV; (2) Bias; (3) "The Decision"; (4) MJ's 1995 comeback; (5) the day the Fab Five guys decided to wear loose shorts, which eventually persuaded everyone in the NBA except John Stockton to wear loose shorts (and ended the Nut-Hugger Era).

LOL @ every Boston fan's inability to get over Len Bias. It's like their own little Kennedy assassination. Look, the guy was really good in college. Maybe he would have become an all star or all time great. Maybe he would have either busted or had a mediocre career like so many other lottery picks. But good gravy on biscuits, to say that was a bigger moment than MJ's first retirement or first comeback, you'd have to be overdosing on cocaine. That's not even a discussion. It's like trying to claim that the microfracture surgery that ended Greg Oden's first season before it even started compares to, well, Len Bias's death.

Q: Is "If you wrote it as a movie script, nobody would believe you" the most overused line in sports?
-- @caffmeister (via Twitter)

SG: I would have agreed until "I've decided to take my talents to South Beach" became an iconic sports quote along the lines of Denny Green's "They were who we thought they were!" and Mike Gundy's "I'm a man! I'm 40!"

LeBron's quip isn't even in the same time zone as either of those in terms of "fame" (for lack of a better word to describe how popular a quote becomes). And I don't anticipate it getting there. Why would he think that that's the case?

I think "taking my talents to South Beach" will be overused because it's so malleable -- in just the past two weeks, it became a phenomenal masturbation euphemism and replaced "I'm gonna go take the Browns to the Super Bowl" as the funniest way to announce to a group of people that you're heading to the bathroom (and not to pee).

What? Who is doing this?

On top of that, it's a fun way to announce to friends that you're moving, getting married or switching jobs, as my buddy House proved in a mass e-mail last week that started

OOOOOHHHHHHH. Bill and his friends are doing it. I see. My mistake- I was foolish enough to think that we were talking about things that lots of people everywhere were doing, not just five or six unfunny 40-somethings living in California and New England.

Q: You're missing an essential ingredient to American interest in the World Cup: For once America is the underdog, and by quite a bit. It taps into that "little train that could" American desire that dates back to the Revolutionary War. Remember America's greatest sports moment is the '80 US hockey team beating the Russians … and really no one here gives a flying F about hockey.

-- Brett, Los Angeles

Actually a pretty decent point by this guy, I think.

SG: A great point. This is the WNBA's big mistake: If it ever wants to get people talking in America, it needs to start challenging men's teams and trying to pull its own version of USA 4, USSR 3.

My idea:

Always a good idea to prepare yourself for something mind-numbingly stupid when he types those words and then a colon.

Instead of the WNBA All-Star Game, let's say the league held a six-team, three-day tournament featuring the 2010 McDonald's High School All-American boys, a team of retired NBA players, the reigning Division III men's hoops champs, the Harlem Globetrotters, a team of celebrities and famous athletes (Terrell Owens, Floyd Mayweather, Michael Rapaport, etc.), and the 2010 WNBA All-Stars.

It's pretty clear that this answer is more joke than "no, really, it's a real idea, I'm serious," but it's worth noting that every one of those teams except the celebrities (and maybe the retired NBA players if they were older than 45ish) would probably beat the WNBA players by about 70 in a 48 minute game. It's certainly not a perfect analog, but for a little support for this line of thinking, Google "Karsten Braasch faces Venus and Serena Williams."

First of all, would you watch? (Yes. Of course you would. I would, too.)

Great measuring stick. You know what we need? More reality shows about attractive people looking for love, or people who are good at singing and dancing singing and dancing together, or assholes with social problems living in a house and getting shitfaced and fighting/fucking one another. Would you watch? Hell yeah you would! That's all that's on TV these days so it must be good for something.

Second, would it be the biggest moment in WNBA history if its All-Star team won this tournament? (Yes. Indisputably.)

Those All Stars can play the McDonald's All-Americans 1000 times- if the high school kids actually treat the game like it's one they really need to win, they will win all 1000 times. Probably by dozens of points each game. Many of those guys are one or two years from being in the NBA and a few of them are three or four years from being NBA stars. The WNBA's 6'3" power forwards really aren't going to be able to do much on either end of the court. I'm not trying to hammer this home too aggressively because I don't think this is a "no I'm not kidding, seriously, this would work" idea on Bill's part. I'm just calling it like I see it.

Third, if that team got waxed in such a tournament, would anyone hold it against the league? (No way.)

Yes- it would make them the laughingstock of the sports world for weeks (imagine good ol' sexist Woody Paige ripping them on Around the Horn) unless they played the game the day before the Super Bowl or something.

Q: As a female, I usually have a hard time admitting that I read your articles. I have a harder time admitting that I think you're hilarious. I feel like I should despise you on principle, because let's be honest, you're a pig. But I do like you. More than I care to admit. I find myself referencing you in everyday conversation. If I can use you to back up what I'm saying, I think it has more weight. And when guys find out I like you, they love it (thanks for that). So my question is, how do you do it? How have you managed to make a self-respecting woman eagerly await your next column, even though I've come to expect you to have at least one disrespectful comment in there?
-- Amanda, Richmond

I AM THE SPORTS GUY! I HAVE READERS WHO LIKE TO READ WHAT I WRITE! THEY ARE DEVOTED AND DEDICATED FANS BECAUSE I TELL IT LIKE IT IS! BOSTON ATHLETES FROM DIFFERENT TEAMS HANG OUT WITH ONE ANOTHER WAY MORE OFTEN THAN ATHLETES FROM DIFFERENT TEAMS IN OTHER CITIES!

Q: Did the disallowed handball goal in the Ghana-Uruguay game go down as the most blatant exploitation of rules in sports history? It was like if goaltending was called on the game winning basket of a Game 7 and instead of counting the basket, the rules dictate that somebody has to make a free throw to win the game. Are there other rule loopholes like this?

-- Brad Armstrong, Indianapolis

Well, no, it's not quite like that. Because of that play, Luis Suarez was awarded a red card and had to miss Uruguay's semifinal against the Netherlands. And since he's their second best player... yeah, that probably cost them. This question would make more sense if some nameless scrub defensive substitute had committed the handball. I mean yeah, Brad's got the right concept, but it doesn't apply well here.

SG: Only one that I could think of: If a player were running the winning touchdown down the sideline, then someone on the opposing sideline jumped onto the field and tackled him. But in college and pro football, I'm pretty sure that's an automatic touchdown. (This actually happened once: in the 1954 Cotton Bowl.) But that's the parallel. Seems like the easy rule fix would be this: If you commit a goal-line handball in extra time in the World Cup, it's an automatic goal.

Hooray! Let's allow soccer refs to make more judgment calls! Perfect solution! Listen, no one wants to commit a n obvious handball and award the other team a penalty kick. The penalty kick goes in 95% of the time (note: statistic completely made up) and you always end up looking like an asshole walking down the tunnel into the locker room. I admit that Uruguay got away with one, but the odds of that scenario repeating itself are slim to none.

Q: The MLS is taking the stance that Donovan is not for sale. While I think it's great to have Donovan in the MLS, this is not beneficial for American soccer. Donovan is in his prime, unlike Thierry Henry (on the downside of his career). Donovan should be playing in the EPL against the world's best competition, not in the MLS (minor league soccer).

-- Art Morath, Akron, Ohio

SG: Couldn't agree more. I don't see the MLS ever being bigger than Triple-A baseball in America, which is fine;

Howso?

Triple-A baseball sells out stadiums,

Fail.

works as a feeder system for the majors and remains lucrative.

Yes, structurally. They didn't come up with the idea themselves or anything. It's not like some genius AAA baseball team owner was sitting around one day, lighting his cigar with a $100,000 bill, and said "Wait! I've got it! We'll collaborate with Major League Baseball!" Additionally, MLS is already bigger than AAA baseball because dozens of its games are on national cable TV every year. Such a subtle detail could only escape Bill. Also,

HEY HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT ALL THE MONEY THERE IS TO BE MADE IN AAA BASEBALL? GET YOURSELF A TEAM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! THEY'RE PRACTICALLY PRINTING MILLION DOLLAR BILLS!!!

Q: Am I the only one who does the following? Whenever I get more than about three-fourths of the way down your mailbag, I start scrolling very slowly through each question and answer so that the next one doesn't appear. That way, I won't errantly glance down and see the "Yup, these are my readers" line below, which ruins the surprise. It seems silly but also necessary -- it's much more satisfying to read the e-mail in anticipation of the eventual YTAMR.

-- Ari Ofsevit, Boston

SG: Yup, these are my readers.

THEY ENJOY READING MY MAILBAG COLUMNS!

Kill yourself.

Dan Shaughnessy Shows Us How to Win a Non-Argument

Why am I bothering to spend time writing a whole post about a Dan Shaughnessy column? Fuck if I know. I'd rather give Simmons attention than him. But this is pretty wretched. I'm not going to link to it; the whole don't-give-traffic-to-useless-dipshits thing. Here we go.

Welcome to my town, Boston, Massachusetts.

We're not there. We're reading this drivel on the internet, which can be accessed from almost anywhere in the modernized world.

It's quite simply the best sports city in the United States of America.

Ah, a classic non-argument. Can't be debated objectively in any way; can't be settled, ever; appeals to the lowest common denominator ("FACKIN' BEANTOWN IS THE FACKIN' BEST AND IF YOU DON'T THINK SO I'LL KICK YOU IN THE CUNT!"); and most importantly: irrelevant. There is little point in having this argument in a bar with your friends. There is less than no point in writing about it for a major sports website. Thanks, Dan. I'm sure this is only the 50th stupidest thing you've written so far this year though.

Especially this week.

This article is a little old- he means last week.

Care to argue?

Absolutely not.

Bring it on.

OK!

Monday is Patriots' Day in Greater Boston. Oddly enough, the New England Patriots will be the only only Hub team that's out of season.

This is great. I love it. Every single day, sports journalists/talking heads/blithering idiots misidentify irony more times than any of us could begin to count. It's ironic that Albert Pujols struck out, because he's a good hitter. It's ironic that the Saints won the Super Bowl just a few years after hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans. Etc., etc., etc. So here's a great example of something that's actually ironic- but Dan fails to identify it as such. Awesome.

Patriots' Day commemorates the battles of Lexington and Concord and the first shot fired in the Revolutionary War. Patriots' Day is a legal holiday in Maine and Massachusetts, falling annually on the third Monday in April.

Obviously copied and pasted from Wikipedia.

It's one of the great days of every spring in Boston, particularly when the Bruins and Celtics are playoff worthy.

Any day is a great spring day in any city when its NBA and NHL teams are in the playoffs.

Since 1897, Patriots' Day has been celebrated with the running of the Boston Marathon. The Red Sox have been playing on Marathon Monday since 1902 when 35-year-old Cy Young hurled the Sox to a 7-6 victory at the old Huntington Avenue Grounds. Since 1968, the Sox have served baseball breakfast at Fenway on Marathon Monday with games starting at 11:05 a.m. It is the only regularly-scheduled morning start on the big league calendar.

Don't care. You have a baseball game on a Monday in April? Congratulations. You have a marathon? Congratulations. Here's your gold star- try to contain your erection.

At 10 a.m. Monday, the first of approximately 300,000 runners (counting the unofficial entries) left Hopkinton bound for the Back Bay of Boston where they hoped to cross the finish line on Boyleston Street. The 114th running of the Boston Marathon featured almost 10,000 international entrants from more than 70 countries.

Obviously copied and pasted from Wikipedia.

Hundreds of thousands of spectators lined the 26.2-mile course. The runners heard cheers from the co-eds at Wellseley College and ran up Heartbreak Hill after the 90 degree right turn at the fire station in Newton.

Landmarks? On a marathon course? Be still my beating heart.

While the thin people ran toward downtown Boston, more than 37,000 filled Fenway Park for the 557th consecutive time. All the runners were still on the course when John Lackey threw the first pitch long before noon. Citizens of Red Sox Nation

That term alone is enough to disqualify Boston from consideration as best sports city in America, if we were ever to seriously consider that argument. Which we won't. Because it's a non-argument.

were wondering if the staggering Sox (4-9, 1-6 at Fenway) might be hungover from the three-game beatdown sustained over the weekend at the hands of the rabble-rousing Tampa Rays.

AND ALL THEIR BLACK PLAYAHS WHO SUCK AND WOULD NEVER BE WORTHY OF PLAYING IN FRONT OF RED SAWX NATION!

The Sox and Rays were still on the Fenway lawn when the marathon leaders passed through Kenmore Square. Fans sitting atop the Green Monster could turn their heads to see if there were any Americans near the front of the pack. Kenyans and Ethiopians have dominated the Boston course in recent years. The Rays led, 6-0 in the bottom of the third when Kenyan Robert Cheruiyot crossed the finish line in a Boston record time of 2:05:50. Some of the erstwhile Fenway Faithful could be seen running out of Fenway, joining the marathoners to escape the carnage at the ballpark, as the Sox suffered through a 8-2 loss.

This is turning into a middle school book report on what Dan saw/heard happened on Patriots' Day. Still nothing about why Boston is a great (or the greatest) sports city.

Monday night on Causeway Street the Bruins got ready to play the Buffalo Sabres in Game 3 of their first-round NHL playoff series. The goal-challenged B's erupted for five scores in a series-squaring, 5-3 win at Buffalo Saturday afternoon. The Bruins haven't won a Stanley Cup since 1972, back in the days when the Sox were plagued by the Curse of the Bambino and Americans still won the Marathon.

GOOD, HONEST, WHITE-SKINNED AMAHHHHRICANS.

The team that's brought the most glory to Boston, the Celtics, did not play Monday, but the Green Team practiced at their Waltham health club in preparation for Tuesday night's Game 2 at the Garden against the Miami Heat.

Irrelevant. Again, part of a book report. Again, no mention of why Boston is teh bestest.

The Celtics beat the Heat in Game 1 Saturday night, but have been scorned for much of this year because of their chronic underachievement. Two years removed from their 17th World Championship, the Celtics look like they're bound for a second-round showdown with the Cleveland Cavaliers, aka the best team in basketball. The Celtic-Heat series took on some additional juice when it was announced that Kevin Garnett would be suspended for Game 2 as punishment for tossing an elbow in a fracas at the end of Game 1.

Don't care. More book report stuff.

After the Celtics play Tuesday, the famed Boston Garden bull gang will convert the arena from parquet to ice to get ready for the Bruins and Sabres in Game 4 Wednesday night.

An arena used for more than one sport? A basketball floor on top of a hockey rink? Preposterous!

Thursday, the Garden will be dark as the B's and C's hit the road, but New Englanders will turn their eyes toward Foxborough where Bill Belichick will attempt to bolster his roster with the 22nd pick in the NFL draft. Meanwhile, the sagging Sox will attempt to get back on track against the Texas Rangers, then the Baltimore Orioles. No matter how bad the weather gets, Fenway will be filled every night.

Probably the only quasi-point in the whole article that goes to the idea that Boston is a great sports city- the Red Sox always sell out. Of course, so do lots of other teams from a variety of sports in other cities. So...

Truly, sports fans are blessed here in the Hub of the Universe.

Wow, yeah. They have a basketball team in the playoffs, a hockey team in the playoffs, a baseball team that plays during April, and a football team which made picks during the 2010 NFL draft. And a marathon. Truly the "Hub" of the sports universe. Unless you also also count Chicago, Denver, or Phoenix. Not to mention the nine other cities that have teams in all four major sports and a marathon (but didn't have both their NBA and NHL team in the playoffs this year- New York, the Bay Area, Minneapolis, Atlanta, Miami, Dallas, Philadelphia, Detroit, and DC). This article has truly made its point.

We've got shots heard round the world, every day.

That's his closing sentence- anyone have any idea what in the fuck he's talking about? In conclusion, Dan Shaughnessy is the worst sportswriter in America. And I think I've proven that throughout the course of this post.