Reader Extra Participation Friday: Does It Get Any Better Than Something That Pretty Much Sucks?
First, a side note. You know how "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report," despite being obviously comedic in nature, are actually two of the best political/current events shows on TV? Well, I've accidentally (read: I am too lazy to find anything else) watched a fair amount of Winter X Games over the course of the past few days. And I'm seeing the exact same kind of "You wouldn't think they'd be this legitimately good!" phenomenon happening when it comes to broadcasting ability. Despite the fact that I really could give two shits about these events, I've noticed that the announcers have been superb throughout. They're informative, they're just funny enough, and they don't get in the way of each other or the visuals. Why can't we have that kind of announcing for, you know, the sports everyone actually cares about? I'm sitting here being entertained by Guy A and Guy B while watching dudes jump snowmobiles off enormous ramps. But when the World Series or the Super Bowl rolls around, you've got Tim McCarver and Phil Simms bending over backwards to find ways to ruin the broadcast. It ain't right, I tell ya.
SO ANYWAYS.
In this crazy mixed-up world there's one constant we can always rely on: if a movie was made between 1980 and 1994, Bill Simmons is going to love it.
Does it get any better than the first 30 minutes of "Sleeping With The Enemy?" You have Julia Roberts at her apex, living in one of the coolest summer houses in movie history, only she's married to a creepy rich guy with a mustache and severe OCD who puts on a sinister opera CD every time he's ready to have sex; says things like, "If I didn't know any better, I would think you're trying to provoke a quarrel with me"; gets upset if the bathroom towels aren't hanging at the same length; takes her sailing on stormy nights when she can't swim; and if that's not enough, regularly beats the crap out of her. What a great premise for a movie!
If you've seen this movie and actually agree with Bill, feel free to let me know with a comment. I won't be holding my breath. And if you're lucky enough to have not seen this movie, don't. I'm not going to say why or under what circumstances, but I've sat through it, and it's a piece of garbage. Especially the first 30 minutes. If Bill's gripping description right there doesn't convince you, watch the first two and a half minutes of this video. Really? Boy, I don't know- does it seem like anything could get any better than that? A tall order, but I've got some nominations. How about Vertical Limit? That movie eats balls, and I'd still rather watch it again over Sleeping With the Enemy. Take a look at Sleeping- you've got a 35 year old antagonist wearing an 80 year old's pants and a mustache that's probably attached with a piece of double sided tape. You've also got gripping dialog such as "We all forget things. That's what reminding is for." And you've got Julia Roberts stepping way outside her comfort zone to play a character who is simultaneously both tough and womanly. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. It's corny, it's poorly written, and it couldn't be much less interesting.
Anyways, I'm rambling, because I love rambling about things that suck. (Why else would this blog exist?) So here's the Reader Extra Participation Friday assignment. Take your pick- either
a) List any shitty movie you can think of that is better than the first 30 minutes of Sleeping With the Enemy. I'm going with
-Vertical Limit
-Mission Impossible 2
-Spiderman 3
-Troy
-Vertical Limit
-The Wicker Man
-Batman and Robin
And so on and so forth. Or,
b) Come up with something else that's completely unremarkable and rhetorically ask if it gets any better than that. Such as
-Raisins
-"The Family Circus"
-Paperclips
-Shovels
-Lenny Kravitz
-Water
-Knock-knock jokes
OK, you've got options. Everyone jump right in. Don't be shy. Blanco was last week's winner, and JD took home the trophy* two weeks ago. Who else wants their 15 minutes of fame?
*Note- trophy may not actually exist.
15 comments:
Does it get any better than the movie Armageddon? Bruce Willis and his band of misfits are going to jump on an asteroid the size of Texas and blow it up!?! Something like three Aerosmith songs get some airplay! At the end of the movie someone turned to me and said, "mmmmm sixty-four slices of American cheese". Which now seems like another stupid Simpsons reference but when there's girls practically weeping in the theater around you it's mildly amusing.
Here's Mr. Cranky's review: http://www.mrcranky.com/movies/armageddon.html
Also, does it get any better than Independence Day? I'll leave you with the two lines from the movie I actually remember:
- Flying away from the rubble that was the White House, the President looks down and says, "a lot of people died down there today....and not that many had to." Poetry.
- The other is "welcome to Earth" said by Will Smith to an alien. Which was followed by a rockin' punch in the face (we assume). It's funny because he's a normal guy, and he's talkin' bad to an alien. But he has no fear, see, because the alien is on his turf. So welcome to earth, motherfucker. I've seen your ships blow up half of earth, and I'm still not scared of you. So what are you gonna do alien? Go back to your stupid alien planet and cry?
Not to jump on the Julia Roberts bandwagon, but does it get any better than "Stepmom?" Julia Roberts, (darlingly playing a young, hip mom) is dating Ed Harris and Ed's ex wife, Susan Saradon is unhappy and hates Julia. To view the tension on screen between those two is knowing you have seen the epitome of what movie plots are supposed to be. There is something so right about it. How is Julia going to juggle the kids lives when she is a "career woman" herself and how is Susan gonig to react to her kids fawning over Julia like she is the big sister they never had? What other kind of movie can you have a sucker punch of a plot contrivance where Susan Saradan has cancer and is going to die? I dare you to view the scene where Susan and Julia touch pee pees and decide they are jealous of each other and don't hate each other without bawling like Bill Simmons giving Tom Brady a massage on his sore right shoulder. (See the analogies are not that hard, that is why Simmons sucks.)
Also, I am surprised he did not mention "Enough" the movie that is basically "Sleeping With the Enemy" plus shitty kickboxing. I thought that would warrant a mention in his column. Nah, too current I guess.
Did he also drag out the "Patriots are unstoppable and on a mission because they all laugh at the same jokes, have a look in their eye and play video games together, so they are going to win the Super Bowl" pick using ANOTHER Madden analogy? Bill Simmons is the boy band of sports writers. He has a target market that he continously aims toward and no matter how old he gets, that target market stays the same age and the references in his columns don't change. He will then be "The Boston Hat Guy."
I greatly dislike Simmons.
Ocean's Twelve
Does it get any better than the original "Bring it on" Kirsten Dunst as a cheery cheerleader in her new role as head cheerleader! She recruits a young delinquent (Elisa Dushku in her absolute apex 19 year oldness) to join her awesome team. Kind of like the Pats getting Randy Moss a delinquent in Oakland to join THEIR awesome team. They have to go up against a tough inner city cheerleading team led by the underrated and always sexy Gabrielle Union. Well it turns out the previous cheerleading captain (before Dunst) had been videotaping the inner city teams moves, somebody smell spygate here?!? So they want nothing to with the uppity white girls team. Well as it turns out, they finish 1-2 at the cheerleading finals, and end of friends, will that happen with Eli and Mr Wonderful err Tom Brady??
The real question here: why do these guys know so much about "Stepmom" and "Bring It On"?
Maybe I'm just bitter from my obvious snub last week.
UMMM
ummm
I never saw Stepmom
that should help me out a little.
JD- Hey, you mess with the bulls (making fun of my sedentary lifestyle), you get the horns. I have no idea how they knew so much about those movies, but I'm the guy who's seen Sleeping With the Enemy so I can't say much.
Jim, Ben, and Jeff- Well done all of you. You're leaving me with a tough decision. We'll see if anyone else gets involved. And I think describing Simmons as the boy band of sportswriters is extremely accurate. So thanks for that.
This is the most insightful thing I read on the internet all week:
"Bill Simmons is the boy band of sports writers. He has a target market that he continously aims toward and no matter how old he gets, that target market stays the same age and the references in his columns don't change."
I appreciate the compliments on the Bill Simmons reference. I wish it was not true but it is. I am already dreading his Monday column (who am I kidding, it will be at least Tuesday)that will include his reaction to the game and how great he thinks it was.
Hopefully he's got the shelf life of most boy bands, if so, it should be over in just about 3-2-1....
I think he'll start to fade away once Boston's teams return to mediocrity. For the Celtics, that won't be long. Maybe a couple years, as Allen and Garnett enter their twilights. For the Red Sox, it could be a little longer. As Ramirez and Ortiz start to fade away, that'll create a couple tough-to-fill holes. I know they've got a million bajillion dollars and a smart front office, but they'll swing down eventually. The Patriots? Well, fuckity fuck fuck. Talk about a smart front office. How long until Brady starts to decline? Six, seven, eight years? If they keep putting together astonishingly good offensive lines and signing players who turn into superstars after being cut by other teams like Vrabel... well, to quote Sen. Clay Davis on The Wire, "Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit."
to quote Omar Little...
Indeed.....
Does it get any better than the middle third of the Lifetime movie To Be Fat Like Me? You have the very hot Kaley Cuoco trying to reinvent herself as a dramatic actress after 8 Simples Rules..., loads of unintentional AND intentional comedy in re: the fat suit, plus you get Caroline Rhea as (you guessed it!) the fat, near suicidal enabling mom. You know eventually she's going to get found out by her new fat friends as a fake fatty, but...you...just...cannot...turn your eyes away from the screen. It's the Karate Kid of movies for kids with eatings disorders!
I think the best part of "Fat Like Me" is when at the end she rips off her fat suit at the party and everyone is shocked that is she is not really fat. That moment gave me chills...mostly because I realized I had watched the entire movie at that point.
How did i miss this classic Fat Like Me?
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