It's Time To Finally Give The Viewers What They Want

Scene: an ornately decorated boardroom in Bristol, CT.

Sit your asses down and bite your fucking tongues. It's time to work, which for most of you fetal alcohol syndrome victims means listening to me. Baseball season is fast approaching. That means viewers want stories about one thing: the Yankees and the Red Sox.

Yes, the hand in the back, there? What's your name? Doesn't really matter, considering you're getting fired after this meeting is over. (pause) Oh, so now the Yankees and Red Sox are technically two things. That's cute. How long have you worked in sports television? Someone call security and escort Mr. Executive Producer For A Day to the parking lot. Let me tell you how things actually work. Were Bob Barker and "The Price Is Right" two different entities? What about Will Smith and Carlton? Not only are the Yankees and Red Sox one thing, they're basically one word at this point. Yankees/Red Sox. YankeesRedSox. YankeeSox. They might as well share the same stadium and locker room. Fuck, they can wife swap for all I care. As far as we here at ESPN are concerned, they're all that matters in baseball today. And I'm tired of our lack of coverage on them.

Seriously, who in here isn't wondering what they're doing right this minute? I bet they're playing catch. Or taking batting practice. Maybe they're watching some video! I think I'm getting an erection.

Someone get the numbers- how many pre-scripted minutes did we waste in 2007 talking about the other 28 teams in the league? I mean, I understand that we're contractually required by MLB to occasionally televise a Kansas City Monarchs/Cleveland Spiders game. But as soon as we get to Baseball Tonight, Sportscenter, or NFL Live, I'll be fucked in the face if we're not going to devote every last minute on the YankeeSox. Every second we spend talking about someone else is the equivalent of lighting a giant pile of advertising money on fire.

"Well, my sources in Detroit say that Curtis Granderson and the Tiger have agreed on a new deal blah blah blah," BAM, every single real baseball fan just changed the channel. "The Braves are excited to have tom Glavine back in their rotation yadda yadda," BOOM, Fox Sports just stole 10% of our market share. I've had it with this bullshit. First person who proposes a story about anyone other than the YankeeSox is getting stabbed in the neck with a cattle prod. I don't even want to hear the name of any other team spoken in this office. Pass that information on to your personal assistants. Pass it on to the janitors and fucking deliverymen. It goes for everyone who comes onto company property. Between now and November, if you so much as think about talking about one day taking a vacation anywhere but Boston or New York, I will personally cut off your thumbs and stick them in your eyeballs. Anything west or south of Trenton if officially off limits for any level of acknowledgment for the next eight months.

Oh, stop looking so terrified. I haven't even threatened your families yet.

Look at all the brand new stories we have to cover! First, Jonathan Papelbon knows how to do an Irish Jig. How many times can we show that clip from the end of the 2007 ALCS every day? I'm hoping for triple digits. Video, let's get on that. Slo-mo, different angles, voiceover from some random Irish dude who knows about that bullshit, the whole deal. Second, Joe Girardi is now one of the YankeeSox's managers. I want Steve Phillips, bless his tiny brain, talking about this and its impact on the YankeeSox on an hourly basis 24/7. I don't care if you have to run a caffeine IV into his spine. Make it happen. And maybe most importantly, third- the YankeeSox had a chance to trade for that Santana guy back in December and January, but didn't. So I want highlights of every run, hit, walk... fuck, every single non-strike he throws, assembled for immediate usage the morning after each of his starts with his new team. We need this to prove to the viewers that the YankeeSox never make bad front office decisions. Keep in mind that we won't actually have to show this, as long as things go as planned and Phil Hughes and Clay Buchholz both win the Cy Young every year until 2030.

Everyone got that? New angles, new stories, people. That's what we do here. Of course, don't forget to mix them in with plenty of material about whether or not A-Rod is happy as a Yankee, how clutch David Ortiz is, whether or not Josh Beckett is actually hotter (in an under-the-radar sort of way) than Tom Brady, and how important Derek Jeter is to the country's hopes of surviving the impending recession.

How can I talk in parentheses? You're going to be taken to the beach and buried alive if you ask any more quesitons, that's why.

And when's the first time the YankeeSox face off against each other? April 11? I have a special project for that afternoon. Someone get on this- I don't care about the specifics, but basically I want you do something to "get rid of" the broadcasting nerve center of every other major network in the country about an hour before first pitch that night. Try not to hurt too many people and all that, but don't let that stop you from getting the job done. We need to help people out there who might be a little slow understand that they're supposed to make a big fucking deal about it whenever there's a YankeeSox game on. I mean, it could be as long as a month until they play again.

OK, is everybody clear on what we're doing here? If you have any problems with what I've just said, feel free to start running your mouth about the fucking Pirates or Mariners within my earshot. See how that works out for you.