Hey, I've Got A Great Idea
Good Guy At Sports already wrote about this, but it infuriates me so much that I'm throwing my sarcastic hat into the ring as well.
Scene: An ornately decorated boardroom in Bristol, CT
Alright, everyone sit down. Are you ready for this? I have an idea that's going to knock your nuts off.
We've reached that always-boring gap between the Super Bowl and March Madness. So we here at Sportscenter need to keep things boo-yeahed for the viewers despite the relative lack of athletic action going on these days. Now, keep in mind that we tried to address this problem last July during the gap between the NBA Finals and the start of NFL training camp. But no one really liked "Who's Now?" because it was too much style and not enough substance. For some reason I can't possibly comprehend, people don't want to hear about what parties athletes go to and what fashion designers they're friends with. Isn't that what sports are all about? Well, fuck it. Anyways. We now understand that fact, and will never do a "Who's Now?" tournament again. Not for the next few months, anyways.
Therefore, we need to come up with a different tournament thingy that's all substance and all awesome. So you know what fits that description pretty well? How about something involving a bunch of famous highlights? The Cal-Stanford thing, Kirk Gibson, and of course, the greatest highlight ever- Doug Flutie throwing a 42 yard Hail Mary that's somehow a thousand times more significant than any of the other many Hail Marys that have won regular season NCAA football games. They can all compete against each other until we crown a champion. Yeah? Yeah? Does that sound like a fucking genius idea? Of course it does.
Shut your fucking mouths, I'm not finished.
If we just ran the tournament and announced the results, that would be like an artist leaving a canvas half-blank. People might enjoy that... but we want more. We want them chomping at the bit. We want them watching our programming with raging erections. We want them to say to themselves, "God, I'm so glad Disney bought ESPN." How are we going to accomplish that through this tournament? I've got two words for you: Berman... Voiceover.
That's right. Fuck Al Michaels, fuck Jack Buck, and especially fuck that "THE BAND IS ON THE FIELD!" guy. Males aged 18 to 34 don't care about those crusty old geriatrics. They want someone who's hip and with it. Does anyone actually think that in many cases, the original audio is essential to how enjoyable the highlight is? Yeah, right. And I'm stepping down next week so I can take a job as assistant co-producer for Fox Sports. So we'll do this tournament, but we'll have Berman re-call all the plays as they happen. How could that possibly go wrong? I'll answer that question for you: it won't. Christ, I'm a genius. Why do I even pay you people? Get out of my sight, and don't come back until you've either got a solid plan for this Greatest Highlight bit or some more news about whether or not A-Rod wants to be a Yankee.
Oh, and be sure to rig the vote so Flutie wins. Don't you just love that guy? He was David Eckstein before David Eckstein was David Eckstein.
9 comments:
I saw that jackoff this morning "calling" the Stanford/Cal play this morning. Definitely not a good way to start my morning.
Agreed. When I watch the footage of The Play, you know what I think to myself? "This could use some more WHOOP" - and lo and behold, from the heavens came the angelic voice of The Berminator. And he did WHOOP... and it was good.
By the way, we here at Disney are going to be starting a campaign to have 'gritty' removed from the dictionary and simply replaced with 'Ecksteiny.' Goes so much better, don't you think? Plus, that way we can describe Doug Flutie as 'Ecksteiny,' and Bill Plaschke will orgasm 3000 miles away without even knowing why.
ESPN- where nothing is so cheap and cheesy that we can't find some way to make it cheaper and cheesier.
It was the Hank Aaron HR #715 that he completely ruined for me, he actually back-back-back-backed it. I think he even gave the score of the game, like that even remotely mattered.
This is to Jay Marriotti, Dear Jay you are very rude and angry.It was very mean of you yesterday on Around The Horn to comment that Denver is a cowtown. You once lived is. No one reminds you that you came from humble beginnings in Pittsburg Pa. a steele town. Where the city belched of smoke and factories. We don't want you hear either. You appear to not get along with anyone. Woody Paige, Ken Harrelson, Tony Kornheiser, Jerry Reinsdorf,and what you said about John Elway was cruel. I guess that is why Ozzie Guillen said what he said about you. That was very cruel to question you manhood don't you think it hurt didn't it? Sometimes it is best to watch what you say, and how you say it. Sometimes less is more. I did not like you when you wrote for the Denver Post and I like you even less. I am sure that you do not care. I think that you need to think before you open your mouth. There seems to be a lot of people that you do not get along with. I think that you win on the show more than you should, and you are not a very good loser. Looking forward to seeing you on the show. Sincerely, buns
anonymous,
That....
was....
the best thing....
I have ever read
Ever.
Maybe even the best thing ever written.
Anonymous,
You sure have some animosity towards Jay Marrioti. Might I recommend you start a blog, to vent about him? I suggest: www.pleasefirejaymarrioti.com
Or perhaps you can spell his name correctly, to generate more hits?
Mariotti.
On a related note, remember when Michael Ventre said that Garrett Anderson should win "Who's Now" after he got 10 RBI in a game?
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