Monday, July 14, 2008

BACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACK........ GAWWWWWNNNNNNN!

Wow. What the fuck. I just rewatched pieces and parts of last year's home run derby, which was being shown on ESPN2. Of all the annoying things Chris Berman does, I think I have a new favorite: his referencing of local cities/landmarks when describing how far a home run went. During a total of maybe twenty minutes worth of HR derby, I think I heard him awkwardly drop in about fifteen Bay Area points of interest. Not once was it funny. Not once was it clever. Not once did it add to my enjoyment of the festivities. Which begs the question- assuming he's commentating tonight, what NYC-area locations will he blurt out? Follow along at home, and see how many you catch!

-Statue of Liberty!
-Empire State Building!
-Times Square!
-Central Park!
-Ellis Island!
-Staten Island/Manhattan/Brooklyn/Queens!
-Laguardia/JFK!
-Mount Vernon!
-White Plains!
-Union City!
-Yonkers!
-Connecticut!
-Harlem/East/Hudson River!
-THE ATLANTIC OCEAN!
-CANADA!
-OUTER FUCKING SPACE!

I bet he hits at least 10, maybe 12 of those.

Also- I'd like to take this opportunity to mention two blogs that are pretty fucking awesome. The first might already be familiar to a few of you- it's BenGoodFella's blog The Bottom of the Barrel, and it's very well done. I think he does more work for it on his own than our entire "staff" of six writers does for this piece of crap. And it's funny, too. So basically... it's better than this blog. Damn.

The second is a little more random. I only found it by looking at all the sites that have linked us in the last month via Google Analytics. It only has six total posts, hasn't been updated since June 18th, and doesn't even allow outside comments. But in spite of its anonymity and relative lack of content, it fucking rules. It's called Fire Michael Ryan Gebhardt. Who's that guy? Just read it and find out. And if you're out there reading this, "The Jackal," please please please update your blog more regularly. This MRG dude sounds like a real zero- don't tell me you can't bait him into emailing stupid shit to you more often than once every three weeks.

That's all I've got for now. I'm off to HACKENSACK! in hopes of catching a home run tonight. Hey, if any of you regular readers or commenters have a blog that you think is better than ours, email a link to firejaymariotti@gmail.com. If it's any good I'd be happy to link it in a post like I did for these two guys.

19 comments:

Chris W said...

I believe the answer to your question is as follow:

Q: Michael Ryan Gephardt? Who's THAT guy?

a: Anton Phillips. He owns the car dealership

(ps:the only David Koechner role that didn't make me want to punch my tv screen off)

larry b said...

Don Giovanni? Who's THAT dude?

The opera! You're ruining the opera!

Oh, yes. We are ruining that.

Chris W said...

Now that I've met Gladys here, I hope the doctor can fix another part of me.

I'll give you a hint: it RHYMES with COCK

John Foley said...

Some possible homerun destinations:
1. 30 Rock
2. The house where Manny Ramirez grew up
3. Gracie Mansion
4. Randall's Island
5. McComb's Dam Park
6. The Daily Bugle building
7. The Arthur Burghardt Expressway

I can't believe I used to think Berman was funny. In my defense, it was 15 years ago.

Jim said...

Berman did used to be funny, maybe I used to be an idiot though.

I heard he was NOT doing the derby tonight

Chris W said...

I too found Berman very funny as a kid.

I chalk it up to 3 things

a.) The act not being stale
b.) Me not being aware of/Berman not exhibiting what a huge douchebag, pompous asshole he was
c.) I was like 12

Passive Voice said...

New York state's got a buttload of funny-sounding places. The obvious one is Poughkeepsie; I'll be shocked if we don't hear that one. Somewhere in New Jersey, also.

Bengoodfella said...

I also thought Chris Berman was cool up until I was 14. In my defense I also thought prejudice was spelled pregidious and at some point my incredible ability to hit foul shots at a 93% rate. I am not bragging, that is pretty much all I could do. In other words, I was a loser, thereby I did not know Berman was a loser.

What was I talking about again? I got my money on one reference of, "That ball is going to catch the subway to the other side of Queens!"

J.S. said...

Guys, thank you for the links! I love escaping boredom by hating on foo's.

J.S.

The Jackal said...

Much like a child sticking a key into an electrical socket, MRG has finally learned that he can avoid rhetorical humiliation by not sending sports related emails to our listserv. The blogosphere has ruined America again.

Bengoodfella said...

Jackal, I do love your hating of MRG. That guy has got to feel a little dumb.

Chris W said...

the jackal, you are the latest in a long line of people known as "my literary heroes"

Martin said...

Larry's literary girlfriend has posted, in my opinion, another excellent article on the World Wide Leader. The guys in charge who she asks to address issues sound so much like the middle management wanna be's from my company, it's startling. Her subtle dismissal of their corporate talk just rocks. Someone convince her to start a "Fire Senior VP's of ESPN" blog when her term is up as Ombudswoman.

larry b said...

Oh, LeAnn, you're the only one for me.

larry b said...

OK, shit, it's "LeAnne" with two Es. And son of a bitch, she's done it again. Fantastic article.

Martin said...

And any fears she is being censored/edited by Disney, I think, have been resolved. In her own understated way, she ruthlessly took ESPN/Disney management to task.

And she watched the Euro 2008 tourney! For some reason, that amuses me greatly.

Bengoodfella said...

She is great. I am glad she saw the Jemele Hill incident for what it truly was, which is no person actually editing what she has written. That resolution is actually pretty simple and would seem logical and I am glad she treated it that way.

Which brings me to Bill Simmons...If Jemele Hill's columns are not always being edited by a senior editor, than I would assume this has happened to Simmons on a time or two. So for him to complain in his columns he is being censored or has a funnier joke but could not use it is horseshit.

It all comes back to Simmons for me.

blanco said...

wait,
didn't simmons compare someone to the nazis in Victory? He should have been admonished along time ago by the ombudswoman, but never does. What the fuck...

Chris W said...

or what about the time Chris Berman said, "Randy Moss behind his back to Cris Carter! My GOD that's as unreal as the holocaust!"?

These things just get swept under the rug.