(Sorry, my posting will be sporadic for the next couple weeks as I am in the process of moving... again. This will be my fifth time in the last two years, but hopefully the last time for the next three years. ANYWAYS, let's get to the joke.)
Re: an article about Chad Johnson's recent injury, WWWBUKTN says:
Maybe he will have to change his name to 'Oucho Cinco.'
Savor this one, folks. It's all downhill from here.
Do you like boring human interest stories that are only tangentially related to sports? Yes? Fuck you.
CATCHING UP WITH THE MAN WHO CAUGHT 756
When he was at the bottom of a pile of bodies, suffocating, with unknown hands clawing at his face and clothes, his leg pinned against a stadium seat, and blood gushing from his nose and mouth, Matt Murphy was just hoping he wasn't about to die over a baseball.
That's some very nice prosey stuff. Really sets the mood nicely. Too bad it's a huge crock of shit. If Matt Murphy were really concerned about his physical well being, he would've let go and gotten out of the scrum. But in reality he cared much more about getting paid, not that I blame him, but cut the shit.
It was a thought Murphy revisited a few times in the days following his life-altering catch -- between the appearances on "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" and the "Late Show with David Letterman," his fourth hotel change in two days and his father's warning he should give up the baseball if nefarious figures put a gun to his head.
This story is so lame and uninteresting that Jemele Hill has to add an anecdote about a warning of a possible armed robbery. Riveting stuff.
With his new sneaker business opening Friday in New York's trendy Tribeca neighborhood, the 22-year-old Murphy can look back and see the absurdity and humor in everything that's happened to him since he caught Barry Bonds' historic 756th home run ball a year ago in San Francisco -- which made Bonds baseball's all-time home-run leader and solidified Murphy as a high-level thousand-aire.
"Let's just say I've got a really great conversation-starter," he said.
Or we could say "You caught a ball that made you a lot of money. THE END."
Between that last quote, and this picture of Murphy, he gives off a real douche-vibe. A good sports journalist wouldn't indulge him in his bullshit, but this is Jemele Hill we're talking about.
As you might have heard, Murphy and a friend detoured to AT&T Park en route to Australia, to see Bonds on Aug. 7, 2007. In the fifth inning, Murphy emerged from that pile of bodies with a ball that eventually was purchased by designer Marc Ecko for $752,467.
Murphy's take was half of that. He paid the taxes and gave his buddy, Amir Kamal, who was with him when he caught the ball, the remaining half.
A year ago, who would have guessed that the owners of the historic ball would be much better off than the guy who actually hit it and broke arguably the most hallowed record in professional sports?"I thought [Ecko] was either a really smart businessman or a complete idiot," Murphy said. "Turns out, he was a really smart businessman."
This could be true, or it could be a complete lie, but we can't know for sure because Jemele Hill backs it up with nothing, save for "Ecko received enormous publicity for asking fans to vote online about what he should do with the ball." Nothing about increased sales or anything. Journalsim at its finest."Even if I made $6 million off the ball, I'd still be at work every day," Murphy said. "My mentality is: Don't spend it. That money can make more money, and then I can live off that money."
My guess is Murphy has to pay around $2,000 a month for his apartment. In addition, I did some reasearch (journalsim...gasp) and found that he put $60,000 into the store. So for those keeping track at home, Murphy will have spent 1/3 of his money by the end of next year.
And while selling high-end shoes may be his dream, I wouldn't say sinking a large chunk of your cash into that is the best idea during a recession, but that's neither here nor there in this bafflingly unnecessary puff piece.
About the only thing that's different is his love life, and he admits his faith in people is somewhat shaken. Asked what the dating scene is like when you've got a couple hundred thousand dollars to play with, Murphy laughed and said: "It's like fishing with dynamite. It's a very good closer at the end of the night. Let's just say I've got a good winning percentage."
His faith in people is shaken because he takes advantage of would-be gold diggers. I guess two wrongs make a right.
The money has exposed the ugly side of people. Murphy has gotten an advanced tutorial on hidden agendas and greed. Some of his so-called friends took money from competing auction houses who wanted them to steer Murphy in their direction.
Yes, none of these guys are paragons of virtue like Murphy, who held a historical baseball hostage to the highest bidder and bangs chicks who only dig him for his money.
"A lot of freeloaders," he said. "I understand now why people with money watch their backs. Everybody is out to get you. Everyone is trying to get something out of me."
Murphy just wants the chicks to give up the pussy and everyone else to BACK THE FUCK UP. Is that too much to ask?
In that way, being a New Yorker is perfect for Murphy. He's living in the one place where the famous and infamous go largely unnoticed.
First of all, saying that the famous and infamous go largely unnoticed in New York is beyond stupid. Ask A-Rod or Angelina Jolie about how unnoticed they go in NYC.
Furthermore, Murphy isn't famous or infamous. Had it not been for this incredibly asinine article, I wouldn't know his name or be able to pick him out of a lineup. The only way people know he's rich is because he brags about his wealth to pick up chicks.
He just wants his new store to do well enough so that he can eventually quit his day job and live out the rest of his days as an unassuming businessman.
Wasn't the supposed point of the article to show what an unassuming businessman he's managed to remain?
"I don't want to be recognized," Murphy said. "I don't need the attention. I just want to live a normal life. In that way, mission: successful."
"And yet I went on Jimmy Kimmel, and had a national read columnist write an article about me and my recent good fortune. In addition, a Google search of '"Matt Murphy" Solefood' yeilds 266 hits. I am a douche and Jemele Hill is a terrible writer."
p.s. Here is an article about sports and finances that's actually very well written and researched.
Listen, I've been really pleased with your Olympic coverage so far. Really. You're doing a bang-up job. I just have one tiny little issue... I feel like I don't know quite what Michael Phelps's mom looks like. You know what I mean? It's like, I know someone's out there cheering for Michael. But who is she? What kind of hairdo does she have? Is she wearing too much makeup, or way too much makeup? If you could please get this mystery woman on camera just a little bit more often, I'd really appreciate it.
Otherwise, keep up the good work!
My Seahawk fandom is not something that I try to keep secret, and it's a lot of fun to live in a city that shares the division that the Seahawks have won 4 years in a row. But by no means do I hate the Rams, their fans, or their writers.
Oh wait - St. Louis writers are fat turds. Bernie Miklasz writes for the paper in these here parts and this article is a stinker.
With rare exception, the entertainment value of NFL exhibition games is null and void. I watch the preseason games mostly because I'm crazy about watching sports. And living in the DVR age makes it easy to zip through to the stuff that interests me.
Just a quick poll here - if you're a DVR owner like me, and you're fast forwarding to get to something you want to watch, you aren't paying attention. I've tried to cruise through sporting events on TiVo before and it doesn't work. You see a play you want to watch go by quickly so you know how it ends, then you watch it again in real speed and then see a replay of it even slower. Or you can sit in the press box, eat (a lot) of free food, and watch the game with other writers who throw out stupid one liners about how poorly the team is playing.
But to get worked up over an NFL exhibition game?
Never. Not me.
Not until now …
I always get worked up over exhibition games. For a long time, it was all I had to cheer for. But Bernie, who just told us how boring they are because it's just guys trying to get on the practice squad playing each other, wants it to be so much more.
I really believe that it's time — past time, actually — for the Rams to act like they give a damn when they play a preseason game.
Such harsh language! He must be serious. If life was like commercials, Bernie would slam his fist down on his desk, but it would turn into pulled pork sandwiched instead of Skittles.
Bernie: "Give a damn! *fist slam* OOoOoOHhHHh! I need some Sweet Baby Ray's!"
Now he's given us his thesis, let's see his support.
This team needs to develop cohesion, confidence and credibility. The Rams need to give fans a reason to think the product has improved after last season's 3-13 wipeout.
And you get cohesion and support by having a starting running back who is holding out for more than $30 million a season. You get confidence by cutting half of the players that will play in the preseason game. And you get credibility by winning a preseason game.
How do you improve a product? How about signing better players? Drafting a good group of young players? No. You win a preseason game.
And the Rams will have another crack at breaking through the malaise on Saturday night at the Edward Jones Dome, against the visiting San Diego Chargers.
We're not asking for much.
Just a preseason win, that's it. Because the season depends on it.
No reason to reveal the secret contents of the regular-season game plan. And there is no reason to play the regulars until they're carted off the field. I wouldn't suggest, let alone demand, that the Rams try to do everything they can to win preseason games.
But if they don't win tomorrow's game, you might as well cut the team and start from scratch, because the season is lost! The Rams are disbanding!
But is it too much to request that the Rams show that they can run a crisp offense, and line up properly on defense? Is it too much to ask the Rams to show that they can win the lines of scrimmage, instead of getting punked?
Considering men's careers in the NFL depend on them lining up properly on defense, I don't think it's too much to ask. My question to Bernie: Is it too much to ask that you find a way to write off the Rams faster? O.J. Atogwe is hurt, you'd better use that excuse before he heals.
The preseason games don't count, but impressions do.
Introducing your new nose guard, Frank Caliendo impersonating Robin Williams.
Especially if something advertised as new — the 2008 Rams — looks a lot like the 2007 version that crawled to an inexorable surrender.
The Rams aren't being advertised as new. In fact, the Rams are advertising that Rams fans don't sell their tickets to out of town fans so that they can create false starts. In fact, here's an article in the Bernie's own Post-Dispatch that outlines what is being advertised. By why open up your own paper?
Successful teams can go on cruise control in the preseason.
Winning coaches have the security and the status to take a cautious, safe, laid-back approach to these rehearsals.
But the Rams aren't a winning team.
And Scott Linehan's job is on the line.
You heard it here first, folks. Linehan's fired if the Rams lose Saturday... stay tuned!
The fans of this town have a lot of questions about the third-year head coach.
Top 3 fan questions about Scott Linehan
(1) Is he really related to Jim Caviezel?
(2) Really?
(3) Are you sure?
Most of the questions will be answered later, and Linehan has worked hard to make changes and initiate a fresh start.
Wasn't Jim Caviezel in The Passion of the Christ?
I give him credit for that. Linehan shook up his staff and brought in a high-powered offensive coordinator in Al Saunders.
A high-powered offense that has to work hard to win, but not the high-powered regular season plays. (I wouldn't be surprised if somebody owns me in the comments about not knowing how football playbooks are written. That person [AwesomeSean] would be correct.)
But we all know there's another question hanging over this team, and it's never too early for Linehan to provide an answer:
Are they making a sequel to The Passion of the Christ?
Is he capable of getting players to play? Linehan won't win over the fans until they see that he can consistently inspire his team.
Answer: Google Steven Jackson Holdout
It's not his job to hire some jackass bitching about millions of unproven dollars - what he's asking for would make him the 4th highest payed running back, and on his best day he's still Steven Jackson of the St. Louis rams - But he should be able to say something to him to get him to sign a contract.
Along the same lines, there's the starting quarterback, Marc Bulger. It's never too soon for Bulger to offer up evidence that he's recovered from 2007's beating, and that he isn't content to just take a cushy seat on that big contract he signed last summer. Bulger's play against Tennessee in the preseason opener was frightening. He looked like a staggered boxer who had taken too many heavy punches to the jaw.
All 9 passes he threw...
This isn't all about Linehan and Bulger. All of the Rams have to show that they represent SOMETHING other than the dull, disorganized mess we observed in Tennessee.
YEAH! Get on everyone else!
Is it too much to ask the first-team offense to score a touchdown? It hasn't happened — not once — in the preseason since Linehan became head coach in 2006.
I thought we were changing subjects? For not asking for a lot, Bernie wants an awful lot. Don't spill the whole playbook, but impress us and score a touchdown with starters that you don't want to hurt. Push yourselves out there on the field, but not too much. Just enough to score. Maybe a little more? Can you get your helmet popped off your head so it gets on FSN's Final Score?
Seriously, what's the deal here? We aren't asking the Rams to solve conflicts in the Middle East, or ensure a lower price of crude oil.
Well why the fuck aren't we doing that? My truck squeaks when I put it in reverse, why aren't these asshats fixing it? And man is gas expensive! {How expensive is it?} It's so expensive, Bernie Miklasz should fuck off. {Canned Laughter}
All we want is the first-team Rams to take possession of the football, effectively block the other team, execute the play, string together an efficient series and enter the end zone. If the Rams' starters actually score a touchdown this summer, how do we respond? Maybe call the Vatican to report a miracle?
I think Rams fans would rather have a team with a winning record than a preseason first team touchdown. But I guess I don't understand football, Bernie.
The Rams broke training camp Wednesday. The day before, Linehan praised his team's energy and enthusiasm in practice.
"Great," Linehan told reporters. "I feel better about this week than I have maybe since the first week when we came out. Just our approach and guys working hard and guys being out there and fighting through the adversity and pain and all that stuff. It's been really good that way."
And it all goes to shit if they don't score a touchdown or win. What a lying prick that Scott Linehan is.
I want to believe Linehan. But I think I speak for a lot of folks in saying that I want to see it on the field, during competition.
And I think I speak for a lot of folks when I say that this article didn't need to be written.
Yes, it's only the preseason. But for the 2008 Rams, there is no such thing as a meaningless game.
Bern - can I call you that? Bern, it's the preseason. Watch the game on fast forward on your DVR and snuggle with your overweight cat. Then change it over to your DVD player and finish Season 3 of Gilmore Girls. Enjoy it with your Edy's Dibs. See you Sunday, Bern.
Steady. Careful. Gentle. After making this post and creating a post label that obviously expresses frustration about the whole Favre saga, how am I going to criticize this post? Stick around an I'll show you. It's all a matter of delicate semantics- obviously the kind of stuff that makes for exciting blogoreading.
Quick Question
Is there anything more boring, in all of sports, than the Brett Favre saga?
Anything?
Yes. You made a list of jokes to answer your own rhetorical question. Most of them were funny, but didn't make you any less wrong. I won't take the same approach; I'll just boringly clarify why that's the case. It's not that the saga itself is boring. One of the best QBs ever to play the game, still perfectly capable of taking a team deep into the playoffs, is going through a painful separation with the team he's spent 98% of his career with? And he's trying to orchestrate a trade to a team in the same division, almost certainly in hopes of exacting revenge? I don't care what you have to say about it- that's a pretty cool story. On the most basic level, that's interesting. Now, is the way ESPN and other outlets have presented it horrifically annoying? Is Favre himself pretty much a useless piece of crap? Aaaaaaaaaaaaabsolutely on both counts. But that's a function of the way anything involving a superstar that is surprising or out-of-the-ordinary gets presented these days, not a function of Favre or his actions. You're a professional writer. Choose your words more carefully. Oh yeah- and this, one of your candidates for something in the world of sports that is less exciting than Favre,
5. SportsCenter. (N.B. may not count as "sports.")
is unfunny.
I'd like to personally thank ESPN for their implementation of the "Conversation" feature on their website. Never before have cynical people like me had access to the flat out dumb opinions of thousands of other sports fans worldwide. Better still, they're now reading select Conversation comments on Sportscenter! What does it take for your comment to make the cut and be seen and heard by millions of viewers nationwide? Well, you could offer the kind of analysis Landon from Wellington, New Zealand did this morning:
Jim Thome, Paul Konerko, Alexei Ramirez, Juan Uribe; 4 consecutive home runs, awesome!
Seriously? Really? Fucking Kiwis. Shouldn't you be herding sheep or playing rugby or something? Actually, a quick check of the Google Analytics shows we have had 5 visitors from New Zealand in the last month. So I guess I shouldn't be so harsh. You guys are alright with me; you're nothing like those fucking Lithuanians.
I've been more vigilant than you guys probably thought this past week and a half or so. The problem is that Jay Mariotti is over in China writing about the Olympics and such, and besides the fact that I think Michael Phelps is a complete toolbox (seriously, who rides around in a car with a stack of T-shirts, puts each on one at a time, takes it off, and throws it to the crowd? Maybe I'm just jealous that he can pound 10,000 calories per day and look SO GOOD!), I really don't have anything to say about those events.
Anyway, let's do a JerryChat. You see, he's not highly regarded enough to be limited to insiders.
Tuesday's topic, courtesy of John in Herndon, Va.:
'With the Twins taking three of four from the White Sox over the weekend, and Chicago's ballooning ERA, who will win the AL Central: Chicago, Minnesota, or possibly Detroit?'
I can hear you all groaning. Yes, it's more crap about the White Sox. AL Central stuff. I know. Riveting. A little-known fact* about me: I'm a Toronto Blue Jays fan.
THE CASE FOR THE WHITE SOX
They have a bunch of veterans still around from the 2005 World Series season, so they know what it takes to fight through the tough times.
Delmon Young, on the other hand, has never faced any adversity ever.
The bullpen is strong (in theory) with Octavio Dotel and Scott Linebrink in the seventh and eighth innings and Bobby Jenks in the ninth. Jose Contreras is about to come off the disabled list and rejoin the rotation, and Linebrink has begun a throwing program in his recovery from a shoulder problem.
I just copied this to give everyone a nice timeframe for this article.
THE CASE FOR THE TWINS
After hearing for more than a month that they're destined to fade, the Twins are starting to believe they're for real.
I can imagine an early July discussion between Joe Mauer and Carlos Gomez.
Joe: We can't keep this up. Our batting average with runners in scoring position is insane. We're getting by on 4 overperforming #3 starters and the ghost of Livan Hernandez. Sure, Liriano might come back, but who knows if he'll be good? There's very little chance.
Carlos: Plus, don't forget what that PECOTA thingy said. Oh shit, I'm fading, man!
Fast forward to today:
Joe and Carlos (together, holding hands, frolicking through a field of posies): We're starting to believe in ourselves! We're better than before!
That's exactly how it happened. I promise. And it's the best argument possible for why the Twins will win the division.
Despite hitting only 79 homers -- a little more than half Chicago's total of 154 -- the Twins have scored 553 runs, exactly the same as the White Sox.
And this doesn't scream "fluke" to you? The White Sox even have a slightly higher OBP!
Yes, Minnesota's rotation is young and inexperienced, and the Twins' inability to replace injured setup man Pat Neshek could come back to haunt them. The schedule also works in Chicago's favor.
Pretty irrelevant, fairly important, VERY important. Followed up by....
But there's something to be said for
Oh God...
karma
What?
fresh legs
No no no...wait. Stop. Go back to that other one. The karma thing.
What???
Karma???
Are the White Sox notoriously evil and the Twins notoriously a bunch of kind-hearted souls? What are you driving at here, Crasnick?
Okay, I've reacted enough. Next stupid thing!
fresh legs
Is having 2 injured starting position players as opposed to one for the White Sox a good case for this? "Fast legs," maybe, but fresh? Paul Konerko's fresher than Mentos, he's just fucking slow.
and good arms
White Sox ERA: 3.91
Twins ERA: 4.27
How do you measure good arms, Jerry?
and the Twins have the edge in each of those commodities
No, they absolutely do not. This is an irrefutable fact. The one they're most clearly behind in is the last one, which is probably the only important one.
This is one of those 51 vs. 49 percent calls, but we'll go with the underdog and take Minnesota.
pnoles: Hey Jerry, who's gonna win the Central?
Jerry Crasnick: Well eh...the White Sox have the best chance of winning, so I predict Minnesota.
SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Hey guys, Everybody knows about the Midwest bias here at ESPN. Today it's all about the American League Central. Let's get started ...
I hope to God that was a joke. I'm thinking it probably was (and if it was, good one), but can you imagine if he really thinks there's a midwest bias at ESPN?
Tim (Lawrence, KS): Who would win a Prince Fielder-Manny Parra smackdown?
SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Tim, I'd have to put my money on the big, power-hitting vegetarian at first base.
I'm printing this because it's the one correct answer that Jerry gives.
Matt (Syracuse): This one is a no brainer. Minnesota has inexperienced pitchers, while the White Sox hold one of the most powerful offenses in the league. With the addition of Griffey in the lineup, the White Sox will gel and pull away from the Twins in the AL Central, eventually winning the American League.
SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Matt, The White Sox might have one of the most powerful offenses in the league, but they've scored 553 runs -- exactly the same as the Twins (who've played one more game).
We've been over this. Pretty damn lucky.
Chicago does it with power and Minnesota has done it with speed and timely hitting.
"Chicago does it with a skill thing, Minnesota does it with a skill thing of lesser value and a luck thing."
Which one do YOU think will hang on?
Everybody keeps saying the Twins are a mirage with that .317 average with runners in scoring position.
What morons....
But we've been saying it for weeks now, and they're still hanging around.
Easy schedule, still good luck, etc. Only one road series in the past 4 weeks that wasn't against one of the 3 worst teams in the AL.
Pablo, Los angeles, CA.: I am a White Sox fan(I don't know Why) but I agree with you The Sox don't play with the heart the Twins do. And unless they get another pitcher and speedy player, the Twins will teach The Chisox another lesson, and break our hearts AGAIN.
SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Pablo, I thought I'd get savaged by White Sox fans for picking the Twins, but I've had a few people post the same sentiment as you -- that some intangible ingredient is missing from this year's White Sox. And if things don't get better, you have to think the pressure will be ratcheted up in Chicago. The Twins, on the other hand, have every reason to be loose. Nobody expects them to be here.
Oh yeah, every expert was picking the White Sox to take the Central before the season. Everyone totally expected this. Twins play loose, White Sox play under pressure. Provable. Intelligent. Analysis.
Matt (IN): How much do you think the Twins road trip due to the national convention will come into play here? Thanks
SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Matt, I asked Ron Gardenhire about it a month ago, and he said it would be great because the Twins would get "a lot of meal money.'' Let's put it this way: He's not going to let it become an issue.
Oh, so that's how you determine whether a long road trip will negatively affect the team. "Hey Ron Gardenhire, is your team gonna crash and burn on your road trip?" "Oh yeah, Jerry, totally! We're screwed! We suck on the road!"
Since the Twins are such a young club, I think it might have less of a negative impact than it would on an older club.
Oh. My. Giddy. Aunt.
This is quite possibly the biggest double-standard in baseball journalism. If you want to argue for a young team, say that they'll get by on their energy. If you want to argue against a young team, just claim their inexperienced! Why can't I just say, "Hey Jerry, if the Twins were a little more experienced, wouldn't that lessen the negative impact of the road trip?"
You owe me the biggest fucking explanation of all time for this one. HOW DOES THE AGE OF THE TWINS AFFECT HOW THEY PLAY ON AN EXTENDED ROADTRIP, YOU FUCKING ASSHAT?
Dustin,(Moore, ok): Everyone has said all year ...The twins will fade, they are a year away, this is a rebuilding year, ect...When will people realize that talent and good coaching are a part of this as well, and actually give the twins credit instead of waiting for them to fail?
SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Dustin, It makes sense that a team that's middle-of-the-pack in OBP and slugging is going to have a hard time producing runs by continuing to hit .317 with runners in scoring position. But now that we're in August, it's time to acknkowledge that the Twins aren't a fluke.
So there have been zero fluky teams in history to still be in contention in August. Huh. Makes sense. Kind of like the 2007 Mariners. They were in it this late, and they weren't a fluke, and all they had to do was add Erik Bedard and Carlos Silva for their tremendous 2008 World Championship run. Because they weren't a fluke.
Ted (Minneapolis): Do you think that Ron Gardenhire should have some say as the manager of the year? Since he has taken the Twins this far without one of the best pitchers of the game in Santana?
I would like to point out that the manager of every contending team in baseball except Jerry Manuel has accomplished this feat.
SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Ted, He should get some consideration, but Joe Maddon of Tampa Bay is still the frontrunner.
Make that two correct answers. Even if Joe Maddon is kind of stupid.
Daniel (Chicago, IL): It seems to me that the Sox's inability to score runs without the long ball is a real red flag that will hurt them immensely if they get cold down the stretch. You could argue that a team with so many power bats is immune to that, but that argument's been made and disproven for dozens of teams (see Chicago Cubs, 2004). The Twins, on the other hand, don't hit a ton of home runs but can still knock one out when they need to. Just my two cents.
Daniel seems to think that the Twins can hit a home run whenever they choose.
SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Daniel, We'll see. Three run homers are great, but it's hard to rely on them. The White Sox are a station to station team and they're going to be prone to fallow stretches when they're not hitting the ball out of the park.
April: 33 HR
May: 28 HR
June: 48 HR
July: 37 HR
Half of August: 19 HR
May record: 16-13
Seems pretty rock solid to me! Here's another theory. When you have tons of guys that hit tons of HR, including the top 2 guys in the league, you're pee-robably not going to go through that kind of stretch. Sound good? Good.
Patrick, Chicago: Jerry, im sorry to disagree with you and others who have said this team has no fight... We had a bad stretch in Minni and in KC, but do you not recal the dramtic (and crucial) come from behind wins IN DETROIT JUST LAST WEEKEND?? We have been doing it all year, this team does fight. The unsung key in all this is Javier Vazquez, who has the stuff to be a top flight starter, and has shown glimpses. His last start against the Royals was very good... if he gets on track with Danks and Floyd, the Sox will win the division.
This man just derailed Crasnick's entire fluff-based argument. Your response, Jerry?
SportsNation Jerry Crasnick: Patrick, Glad to see some spunk from a White Sox fan. That's the spirit!
Beeee-youtiful.
*definition of "fact" is the sole discretion of me, myself, and I.
I'm sure the answer is "neither," but please read on anyways. You've come this far already- why not waste the next six minutes or so? To his credit, I will acknowledge that TMQ leads his first column of the 2008 season with a fantastic excoriation of Brett Favre. I couldn't agree more with his opinions on the matter. Of course, everything grabs the express train to Shitstown shortly thereafter.
The Book of Revelation Warns, "Verily, Ye Shall Know the End of Days Approaches When All Bow Before the Airheaded One." The Atlantic Monthly had Britney Spears on the cover.
You are a snob.
Buyers Received a Free Copy of Madden 2010: The 2009 Toyota Corolla went on sale in March 2008.
Nobody cares.
Excuse Me, Could You Move That Cargo Ship? I'm Trying to Tan: The MV Artemis was grounded by a storm off France and ended up sitting on a beach.
That's the whole item. There is no other text anywhere else in the article that relates to it or further clarifies why it's here. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Belgium's InBev brewing company bought Anheuser Busch, ending Budweiser's association with the American flag. "The Great American Lager" is now La Grande Bière Blonde Américaine. Days after becoming Belgian, Anheuser Busch signed a deal to sponsor the U.S. Olympic team through 2012. They will tell us not to worry when the training table menu for the U.S. Olympic team mysteriously becomes chocolates and burgers with bordelaise -- cheeseburgers with bordelaise being an actual fast-food item at Quick, Belgium's answer to McDonald's. They will tell us not to worry while Budweiser brewery workers in St. Louis are ordered to attend mandatory classes in snobbery and surrender, the Scylla and Charybdis of Belgian culture.
Oh, the irony. Those Belgians are such pompous asshats. Get over yourself, Belgium! (Actually, I've been to Belgium once, no joke. Spent one night in Brussels. The people seemed friendly enough, but really blew at giving directions. Anyways-)
Globalization Strips to Two-Piece: The Redskins cheerleaders were hired to promote a cricket team in India, and caused a local sensation by being "too sexy." TMQ does not recognize that there is any such concept as "too" sexy. Though you can understand why scantily clad cheer-babes did not mesh with cricket. Excitement and cricket do not go together!
Hey, and what's the deal with that airplane food? How come men always leave the toilet seat up? Black people and white people suuuuuuuuuuuure are different. Tip your wait staff, everyone.
New York Times Correction of the Year: The New York Times recently published a correction of a correction: "An article on Saturday about Representative Charles B. Rangel's defense of his use of four rent-stabilized apartments in Harlem, and a correction in this space on Wednesday, omitted the source of an assertion …"
Who edits this column? Seriously, I don't want to be a hypocrite and make a hacky joke, but this thing is long enough as it is. I really don't think this piece of crap or the part about the beached ship are 100% necessary.
Tracy, Hepburn to Star in "Wall-E II": Hollywood's best love story of the season -- the best old-fashioned romance a major studio has produced in years -- took place eight centuries in the future and involved mute robots. But then again, compared to most of today's megabucks Hollywood stars, mute robots have broad acting range.
I'm imagining Gregg delivering this in front of a gritty brick wall with a spotlight shining down on him. I'm also imagining a distinct and deafening silence ensuing shortly thereafter.
"Michelangelo's 'Pieta & Robin' Left Me Staggering!" -- Orvieto Daily Etruscan: An Associated Press critic called "The Dark Knight," a movie of recycled comic-book clichés, "an epic that will leave you staggering."
I didn't think it was the best movie of all time, but I can't disagree that the presentation very well may have left me (figuratively) staggering.
The Arizona Daily Star compared the film favorably to Michelangelo's "David."
I'm sure that comment wasn't meant to be intentionally over the top.
Gives New Meaning to "Cheat Keys": If the NFL won't suspend Bill Belichick for his sins in Spygate, how about this punishment: Put him on the cover of the next "Madden" game!
I can't think of any other ways to point out how unfunny this guy is.
Though it is Possible God Sent Erwin Lutzer and Sharon Stone to Punish Humanity: Erwin Lutzer, pastor of the ultra-fundamentalist Moody Church of Chicago, said on Fox News that God sent the China earthquake to punish the Chinese government for persecuting Christians. The Chinese government does persecute Christians, but Lutzer's claim was too much even for Fox News -- the host countered that the dead were poor people who do not make government policy. The same month, Sharon Stone suggested the earthquake was "karmic" retribution for Beijing's repression of Tibet. This cost Stone her role as endorser for Dior, which is selling well in China, and inspired the official Xinhua News Agency to dub Stone "the public enemy of all mankind."
Please -- it was an earthquake, a spontaneous movement of the Earth's crust. It was not sent by God, by the karmic wheel or by any larger agency. It just happened. Some Christians insist on believing God controls daily events; there's no indication of this in history, and this is never claimed in scripture. (The notion of divine control of daily life comes from preaching and from hymnals, not the Bible.) As for karma, many forms of evidence, for instance the world's corrupt wealthy people living in luxury, run against the contention that misdeeds are repaid by fate. Like all natural disasters, the earthquake was just something awful that happened. Don't insult the dead by saying a cosmic force actually wanted them to die.
I've got two words for you: Football. Gods. And if you think Easterbrook doesn't actually believe in them, just go back and read (among others) the piece he put out after the Patriots lost the Super Bowl. Hilarious, yes- but also thoroughly insistent upon the existence of karmic/cosmic forces.There's this theory I learned about in college called "The Banality of Evil," that essentially says that that most people in the world who do evil things (ethnic cleansing, drug cartels, Matthew McConaughey/Kate Hudson movies) are completely oblivious to the lack of morality in their actions.
Therefore, I present to you Scoop Jackson as proof of my thesis: "The Banality of Stupidity."
USA basketball is missing something ... or someone
They looked good, didn't they? Flashes of '92, right? Like we 'bout to get that ol' thing back.
I would never phrase it that way, but yes.
But something still doesn't feel right, right? There's still something wrong, isn't there? It's like something is missing, but you just … can't … put … your … finger on it.
Perhaps it's the fact that the '92 team had 10 of the top 50 NBA players of all time, along with the fact that basketball wasn't the international sport it is today. A wild guess; I know.
Let me help. There was a point in the third quarter of USA's final pre-Beijing tune-up against Australia (which was playing without Andrew Bogut, mind you) when Chris Bosh took over. The U.S. lead had fallen to single digits. But, off a pass from Dwyane Wade, Bosh came down the lane doing his best David Robinson impersonation and threw one down.
David Robinson: previously the only American to take a pass and dunk it in Olympic competition.
But after that, the Australians scored with ease. And often. They never flinched; they acted as if Bosh's dunk was nothing more than two points.
When in reality the dunk had been worth 7 points because Bosh had taken off from an NBA JAM Hot Spot.
Another national team, scared by us in a basketball game? Not anymore. Not even facing the best team the U.S. has been able to assemble in eight years.
Not like in '92 when it was routine for the US's opponents to sneak out of bathroom windows during halftime.
But Chris Bosh is not the issue here. He just exposed the void that might just hinder the Redeem Team's quest for gold. What's missing on this team is an intangible that, on his best day, Bosh (or Dwight Howard, or Carlos Boozer, or anyone else on the team) can't provide -- the intangible that would make this feeling that's gnawing at the bottom of our stomachs like leftover ceviche go away.
Please note that he says that the team is missing an intangible.
On the eve of the opening ceremony, it's too late to do anything about it. This team has other concerns too -- like occasional apathetic defense, intensity lapses and not having anyone besides Michael Redd to drop needles from 30 feet or anyone besides Tayshaun Prince to lock down a player like Spain's Juan Carlos Navarro if he gets warm. But what's missing is …
Amare Stoudemire.
So apparently Amare Stoudemire is now a phantasm because he can be listed as an intangible. What other wisdom can you impart upon us, oh brilliant basketball sage?Dayn Perry? Dayn Perry? The FoxSports.com Dayn Perry? Surely you jest. Did he actually write a decent article that comes to a very sensible and logical conclusion? Next thing you know, Mike Celzic will reveal his fondness for VORP and FRAA.
Re: the shoving match that took place in the Brewers' dugout between Prince Fielder and Manny Parra last week:
As sure as the smog in Beijing, there's going to be someone who attributes whatever happens to the Brewers in the coming days to the near brawl in the dugout. If they fritter away their lead in the NL Wild Card race and fall hopelessly behind the Chicago Cubs in the Central, then it'll be because there's too much infighting. If they hawk down the Cubs for the division lead or pull away in the Wild Card, then it'll be because Fielder's tantrum "lit a fire" under the Brewers or some such. The underlying assumption — that the shoving match has any bearing on what will happen on the field — is a faulty one.
So here's the thing: if there's any correlation between clubhouse chemistry and winning, then it's either A) so weak as to be unidentifiable, or B) so weak as to be meaningless. Winning baseball is about scoring runs, pitching well, playing defense, staying healthy, and strategizing properly.
I'm as shocked as you are.
