Peter King: Fat, Oblivious

So, there you are tubby. You look like a bucket of lard on a bad day. You baby gorilla. Why don't you work a zoo, and stop bothering people.

Kerry Collins is back, and he's not going anywhere. I don't know how many quarterbacks in the NFL today can go on the road, play the most fearsome defense in football, take a mugging for three-and-a-half quarters, then drive his team 80 yards in 11 plays to win the game. How many, really? Four? Five? I don't know.

That's right, you don't know. Much like anything that's not related to Denny's Grand Slam menu, you're totally clueless. Here's a little bit of information: Joe Flacco was having a terrible day against Pittsburgh last week, then led an 80 yard TD drive at the end of the 4th quarter. Does that make him one of the four or five best QBs in the league? No, no, no, no, and no.

Also, Flacco and Collins stats from Sunday:

Collins: 17/32, 163 yds, 1 td, 2 int
Flacco: 18/27, 153 yds, 0 td, 2 int

Kerry Collins: HOF Class 20??

The Giants are a pretty deep team. What must Plaxico Burress have been thinking in Miami or New Jersey, if he had his TV on Sunday? There was his sub, Domenik Hixon, rushing and receiving for more than 100 yards in the first half against Seattle before going out with a slight concussion, and there were the Giants, crushing the Seahawks 44-6, with their best receiver serving a one-game suspension.

My guess is he was thinking, "Shit, I could've padded my stats to a ridiculous degree against this embarrassing excuse for a football team. Holy shit, look at that white guy in the secondary! FUCK!"

Seriously, is Peter King really that dumb that he can't deduce the following:

IF Team A has an epically bad defense
AND Team B has an above average offense
THEN it doesn't mean shit that the Giants scored 44 points against the Seahawks without Burress

The Fine Fifteen

1. New York Giants (4-0). This is not only a defensively intimidating team and offensively efficient team, but also a very deep team. Tom Coughlin suspends his best receiver for a game, and his plug-in guy, Domenik Hixon, probably the fifth receiver coming out of training camp, outgains Seattle 117-115 and out-touchdowns the Seahawks 1-0 in the first half.

This is a commentary on the Seahawks, not the Giants, you dumb fuck.

2. Tennessee (5-0). Best game by a quarterback with a 52.0 passer rating in a long, long time.

No, it was a shitty game by a guy who had a 52.0 passer rating, but his team managed to win in spite of him.

4. Pittsburgh (4-1). No team in the history of NFL byes needs a bye like the Steelers right now.

Wait, the Steelers have injuries to important players? That has literally never happened to an NFL team before. I also literally shit my pants when I read that last sentence.

9. Baltimore (2-2). Joe Flacco's quite a bright prospect. Joe Flacco worries the heck out of me.

Me: Hey Peter, do you think I should go to the beach today?
PK: Yeah, go for it. The beach is a lot of fun.
Me: Great, I'll go get--
PK: But the beach can also be really boring and not fun.
Me: Uh...thanks, brah.

c. I've nailed you a few times, Warren Sapp,

PROBABLY NOT THE ONLY NFL PLAYER UV NAILED, LOLZ!!1

h. Kyle Orton looks more and more like the answer for Chicago, at least temporarily.

So, in other words, he may or may not be the answer. You see, that's Peter King using his access to tell you things that you, the average slack jawed American, could never figure out.

4. I think this is what I didn't like about Week 5:

b. In Wisconsin, at 1:05 p.m. local time Sunday afternoon, the Brewers were down 5-0 and the Packers down 17-7.

20 years from now, we'll all be able to tell our kids where we were at 1:05 pm on Sunday October 5, 2008.

f. This isn't Delaware, Joe Flacco. The strength of your arm won't get the ball through defenders. They'll catch it here.

I get it Flacco sucked. He's not that great right now. Might not ever be. But he threw the exact same number of picks as your new man hero, Kerry Collins, so please at least be consistent, you fucking asshat.

b. One other dumb playoff baseball thing: During the White Sox-Rays opening game, TBS showed 2008 fights between the Rays and Yanks, then the Rays and Red Sox, and Harold Reynolds said this sent a signal that the Rays wouldn't be pushed around by the power teams of their division anymore. Presto! Division title. What crappola. The Rays have been fighting for years. They brawled with the Sox in 2000 and finished 69-92. They brawled with the Sox in 2004 and finished 70-91. They brawled with the Sox in 2005 and finished 67-95. If you're going to use clichés, at least make them true.

The irony is too much.

g. First two games of the BoSox-Angels series ended at 1:25 and 1:29 a.m., respectively. There's some East Coast love.

Angels season ticket holders should be required to skip work to accommodate Peter King, et all East Coast baseball fans.

i. You're the smart one, Bill Plaschke. You recognize Manny Ramirez quit on a great team once, and he'll do it again. In the first three innings Saturday night, Ramirez scored from first on a hard double to right, then tagged up at first base and went to second on a medium-deep fly to center field. I can guarantee you that in eight years in Boston he didn't do those two things in one season, never mind twice in one three-inning stretch.

Looking at game logs will no doubt prove Peter King right. Don't bother questioning the legitimacy of his claim.

l. Finally got to see the premiere of Family Guy, and if I had to pick, I'm not sure which TV character I'd chose as the best in history -- George Costanza, Barney Fife, James West or Brian the dog. Brian's quite a maverick.

Yep, that's the reason Brian is funny...because he is a maverick. Look out Dean of Cinema and Telvision Studies at USC, this guy's gonna eat your lunch...LITERALLY!

Jemele Hill: Only Obnoxious When She Writes About Race, Which Is All the Damn Time

Her contract at ESPN runs out pretty soon, I believe. And it's probably a fair bet that it won't be renewed. So I'm feeling compelled to jump all over pretty much anything she does between now and whenever she is shown the door. In the midst of a relatively unterrible piece about white running backs, we find this gem:

Many of us watch sports not caring if the men on the field are purple or magenta, as long as they produce.

Yes. Many of us. But not you, obviously. You're only allowed to write sentences like that if you yourself are included in the "many" you're referring to. If anyone, and I mean anyone cares about what color the men on the field are, it's the spicily named Ms. Hill.

Actually, now that I look at her exact wording, maybe she's not being a hypocrite here. Maybe she really doesn't care what color a player is as long as he or she produces. The hypocritical thing to say would have been:

Many of us watch sports not caring if the men on the field are purple or magenta, as long as they are all held to the same standard for their off-the-field conduct.

Yeah. It would be a massive lie if she implied she subscribed to that idea.

In case you can't tell what I'm getting at, it's that Jemele Hill is a racist.

I'm Sorry, I Have to Call You Out on This One, Heyman

I don't have much time before heading out to Game 3 of the ALDS in Chicago today. But here's something that just pissed me off oh-too-much to ignore.

Jon Heyman made MVP / Cy Young picks recently.

Here are his choices for AL MVP.

1. Francisco Rodriguez, Angels. An alltime great season with a record 62 saves.

2. Carlos Quentin, White Sox. Broke his hand in a fit of anger, costing him the top spot here.

3. Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox. The "jockey'' may actually win it with a scrappy attitude and solid stats (118 runs, 54 doubles).

4. Justin Morneau, Twins. Without him and his 129 RBIs, what does that lineup look like?

5. Kevin Youkilis, Red Sox. The Red Sox campaign is for Pedroia, but this guy is just as pesky (.569 slugging, 115 RBIs).

6. Joe Nathan, Twins. Another great, underappreciated Twins star.

7. Joe Mauer, Twins. Great two-way catcher who won another batting title (.330) and is easily the best in his business.

8. Jermaine Dye, White Sox. Unnoticed star had a nice season.

9. Josh Hamilton, Rangers. As talented as anyone playing, including A-Rod, and 130 RBIs doesn't hurt his cause.

10. Evan Longoria, Rays. Even better, they already locked him up for six years.

Here are his choices for AL Cy Young.

1. Cliff Lee, Indians. Once-in-a-decade type season for this reclamation project (22-3, 2.54 ERA).

2. Roy Halladay, Blue Jays. The one pitcher in the league who can complete what he starts (nine complete games).

3. Francisco Rodriguez. Now holds the alltime saves record.

Let's throw out the fact that K-Rod is a completely and totally ridiculous choice for MVP. Really. We're just going to toss that part clear out the window. Possibly the craziest and stupidest thing anyone in the history of the universe has ever said, because there are at least 30 other relievers in baseball this season who could have broken the saves record playing for the Angels. (We're talking set-up men too, like Shields or Joba or Springer, or the entire Rays bullpen. Side note: Did anyone notice that this was Mariano Rivera's best season ever? That WHIP is sick!) I'm totally serious. Toss that entire bit out the motherfucking window. I will not make fun of you for saying this.

No, no. The problem I have with you, Jon Heyman, is this.

So K-Rod, whom you feel is the most valuable player in the entire American League, is only the 3rd best pitcher in the American League.

"Pitchers," for those who didn't know, are a subset of "players."

Why is the award handed out to supposedly the best player in the entire fucking American League going to a guy you feel is only the 3rd best pitcher????

Sure, Halladay and Lee are the two best "pitchers." They've racked up tons and tons of "Good Pitcher Points." But zero "Value Points". This is because Franklin Gutierrez is terrible and the Blue Jays gave Rod Barajas 102 at-bats in the #5 hole (and 9 batting cleanup!). These are the reasons that K-Rod is your MVP while being considered by Jon Heyman to be the 3rd best pitcher in the American League. (He isn't.)

There's only one way to describe this, and it's the made-up word that Larry B used > 10 times after passing out on my couch piss drunk after we went to game #163 on Tuesday.

That's "FWAP", Jon Heyman. One hundred percent grade-A FWAP!

The Worst Sentence I've Ever Read

Why I am visiting MLB.com lately to get playoff updates, I don't know. Maybe I like awful writing (which might explain my current job). Or maybe I'm cynical enough to deliberately visit it to get more material. I read this sentence, shook my head cartoonishly, read the sentence again, readjusted the prescription on the contacts I don't wear, and then started cussing.

Parse this, folks:

Still, for all the credit given to Ramirez for the Dodgers' turnaround this year -- and, of course, he homered again in this game, his MLB postseason record 26 and counting -- Torre has insisted that pitching won in October when he was leading the Yankees and it would be just as critical for the Dodgers.

I count six ideas jammed into one sentence, and I had to read 30 words till I found the subject and verb to even figure out what the hell was going on. Pronouns and punctuations are being abused with abandon. Shouldn't that be "26th" instead of "26"?

First reader to diagram that correctly, and email it to us gets a dollar in the mail. Put your address in the e-mail if you want the dollar. You can use PO Boxes. Employees of FJM and their subsidiaries are not eligible. And I said first reader, CHart: you're not eligible for this contest.

I'll really mail you a dollar.

PS. Go Cubs Go!

Hey Joey Johnston, May Called, It Wants Its Article Back

'Nuff said.

You're all wrong if you think Rays aren't for real

Good lord, you serious dude? This article's been written 2340932423423 times this year. Get out from the fucking sewers already!

There's plenty of proof that worst-to-first Tampa Bay is playoff-ready

Like what? Like the fact that they won the best motherfucking division in baseball? Is that proof enough? Or do you actually have to say other things?

The answer: NO.

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. - As the American League playoffs begin, it would be easy to paint the Tampa Bay Rays as a cute, cuddly story, a worst-to-first baseball turnaround that comes around every generation or so. It would be easy to suggest the Rays’ 15 minutes of fame have expired, that it’s time to exit stage right, time to let the big boys take over.

Dude, this is just emanating originality. You know how when you burn some shit in the oven, and you can smell burnt-shit-smell all over the house for the rest of the night? Let's just say a certain author (you) left "originality" in the oven a bit too long.....

Considering the franchise’s miserable history — 10 straight losing seasons and nine last-place finishes — it would be very easy to do that.

And moronic, because the awfulness of the 2001 Devil Rays have literally zero effect on the 2008 Rays. I feel like I am talking to a janitorial sign. I FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT THE FLOOR IS SLIPPERY WHEN WET, JOEY JOHNSTON!

But this isn’t a history lesson.

Sha-BANG!

WAIT HOLY CRAP!!!!!! I just got to the part of the article that shows a picture of the author!



ROFL ZOMG....you serious dude?

Let’s stick to current events. Considering what has been assembled this season, considering what has been proven time and time again, summarily dismissing the Rays would be a grave mistake.

I'm so glad that I have you, Joey Johnston, to tell me that the team with the best record in the best division in baseball shouldn't be dismissed! They have the 2nd best run differential in the AL. What, do people really think they're a fluke or something? Get bent.

It might even be commonplace to ignore the Rays this postseason, what with the Red Sox defending a title, the Cubs trying to reverse the curse and the Dodgers thriving with Manny Ramirez-mania.

But do so at your own risk.

DON'T WALK ON THE WET, SLIPPERY FLOOR, OR YOU MAY SLIP AND FALL AND BECOME WET!

Oh, it’s easy to understand why there’s still a lack of respect. After all, this isn’t supposed to happen.

Actually it is. A team with good players is supposed to be good.

A team such as the Rays, whose $43.8 million payroll can’t even match financials on the left side of the Yankees’ infield, isn’t supposed to win the American League East.

Maybe the Red Sox should've won. Because they're better. But that's not what you're
getting at. Not at all.

It’s not supposed to win 97 games (improving by 31 victories) and capture perhaps the most rigorous division in all of sports.

Dude, you keep saying the same fucking thing over and over. Now you're like a flashing "DON'T WALK" sign.

It’s not supposed to become the second team to reach the postseason one year after having baseball’s worst record (joining the 1991 Braves).

Really? Then which team in which year is "supposed" to do this? Because, um. Whichever team you pick would have to have the worst record in baseball the season before. I think what you're saying here is a little unfair and a lot meaningless, dontcha think?

It’s not supposed to take a bullpen coming off a 6.16 ERA — worst in baseball since Milton Berle had the nation’s highest-rated TV show — and transform it into a collection of rally-killing buzzsaws.

Dude, you are too priceless. I've never seen anyone, not even HatGuy, go this long in an article without making a fucking point. 289 words! Zero informative things!

It’s not supposed to thrive with a lineup that failed to produce a single .300 batter and (probably) not one player who will finish in the top 10 of AL Most Valuable Player voting.

9th in OBP....but I guess that's irrelevant.

It’s not supposed to sweep the Cubs, Angels and Red Sox (twice).

335 words.

Is everyone in agreement on that?

No. 341.

Well, guess what? The Rays didn’t listen.

THAT'S your grand point? This is what all of that needless garbage was about? You sir, are atrocious. 348.

“We have good chemistry,’’ said Rays manager Joe Maddon, who resembles Elvis Costello with his way-cool Hugo Boss specs.

Maddon savors a drink from his office wine rack following particularly meaningful victories. Rays win the AL East? Anyone making such a prediction might’ve needed to sample Maddon’s really hard stuff.

Right?

Dude, just fucking stop. You have been saying the same exact fucking thing for 399 words. 6th grade essays are more meaningful.

He thinks that’s a stretch.

“You’ve got to believe it before you see it,’’ Maddon said. “We knew it was coming. We knew if we played together, we could achieve something really special.’’

And finally, something with some, albeit little actual meaning happens here. And Joe Maddon was the one who said it, not you.

Which brings us to Maddon’s now-ubiquitous saying — 9=8 — that can be found on caps, T-shirts and banners all around the Tampa Bay area.

Nine equals eight?

Translation: Nine players playing hard for nine innings will make the Rays one of eight teams playing in October.

This is perhaps the #1 dumbest motherfucking team slogan, motto, anything, that I have ever seen in my life. Ever. It's just terrible.

It was guided by Maddon through a mixture of unconventional (intentionally walking hot-hitting Josh Hamilton with the bases loaded, then escaping a jam) and old-school methods (benching B.J. Upton for lack of hustle).

This was probably one of the dumbest managerial decisions in the history of the universe. Hey Rangers, have a free run!

True story: When the Rays muddled into a seven-game losing streak at the All-Star break, losing their grip on first place, you could almost hear the snickers from around baseball. “Aha! Told you it wasn’t going to last!’’ But in the first game back, still stuck in an offensive malaise and losing at home to the Blue Jays 1-0 in the seventh inning, Ben Zobrist blasted a two-out, two-run homer off A.J. Burnett to provide the victory and effectively stop the bleeding.

The same Ben Zobrist who this season was sent down to Triple-A Durham.

Four different times.

Dude, no one could decide whether Ben Zobrist was a major leaguer or not. THAT'S WHY THE RAYS ARE FOR REAL DUDE!

True story: Facing a 10-game trip to Seattle, Oakland and Texas in August — a trap door if ever there was one for Tampa Bay’s tenuous lead — the Rays placed outfielder Carl Crawford and Longoria on the disabled list.

A death knell?

Hardly.

When the Rays returned home, ho-hum, their lead had increased by another game.

This is because Seattle, Oakland, and Texas are not good baseball teams.

True story: At Fenway Park on Sept. 9, the Red Sox were up, 4-3, and three outs away from regaining first place. Uber-closer Jonathan Papelbon was on the mound. Up stepped Rays pinch-hitter Dan Johnson.

That morning, Johnson was asleep in Pennsylvania, where his Durham Bulls were competing in the International League playoffs. The phone rang. The Rays wanted him in Boston. But a series of flight delays and travel mishaps turned his day into a nightmare. He was reluctantly scratched from the starting lineup because, well, he was in a cab, stuck in Boston traffic, as game time approached.

So in the ninth inning, Maddon played a hunch, sending Johnson to the plate, knowing he would work the count, maybe becoming a needed base runner.

What happened?

What else?

Tying homer.

The Rays immediately rallied with another run and won it, 5-4, in suddenly whisper-quiet Fenway.

Ergo, Rays are for real because of the success in one game of Unlikely-Pinch-Hitter Dan Johnson.

True story: The Red Sox pounded the Rays 13-5 at Tropicana Field on Sept. 15, drilling four homers off Kazmir (and six overall). It was an emphatic statement. Now the charging Red Sox were within percentage points of the Rays.

More than an hour after the game, when the Tampa Bay clubhouse had emptied, a reporter sought out Maddon, seeking to gauge how he would lift up his devastated team.

Maddon, smiling, doffed his cap, revealing his work behind closed doors — a modest mohawk in his white hair, not too radical, but the sides trimmed slightly. A few days earlier in New York, on a lark between games of a doubleheader, some Rays players got mohawks.

“Just wanted to be part of the group,’’ Maddon said, winking, disappearing into the night.

And with that outlook, straight from the top, the Rays promptly beat the Red Sox two straight and again took command of the division race.

So much for devastation.

Okay, and they totally won two games after losing one game. Not many teams did that this year?

So we have these reasons for the Rays being legit.

1) Ben Zobrist went from the minor leagues to the major leagues a lot.
2) The Rays beat bad teams on the road on a 10-game trip.
3) Dan Johnson hit a home run.
4) The Rays managed to win 2 games after a pretty bad loss.

Baseball is generally played by the book. Decisions are backed up with raw numbers and trends.

Every now and again, though, you get something that defies explanation.

THE TAMPA BAY RAYS DO NOT DEFY EXPLANATION! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THIS IS NOT HARD TO UNDERSTAND! They have outstanding pitching. They are decent at scoring runs. They have one of the best defensive teams in baseball. A TEAM THAT DOES THIS IS GOOD. VERY VERY GOOD.

Seriously, why does there have to be some mystical power as the underlying reason for anything unexpected?

Every now and again, you get the Rays — with their cowbell-clanging fans finally warming up to the phenomenon, mohawks everywhere in the community and the very real notion that Tropicana Field, in all of its quirky, erector-set glory, could actually host the World Series.

Sometimes, you have to stop looking for explanations and start enjoying the ride. Sometimes, after 162 games of evidence, you’ve just got to believe.

When, oh when will the world start believing that baseball teams filled with good players are legitimately likely to play well?

Rays, if you beat the White Sox, I hope you win the World Series. Because the day after you win the World Series, we'll be hearing from some fucking retard that you guys are for real.

Rick Reilly- Unfunny by Any Standard

This is a bit of a throwaway post, but-

1) If I tried to give either of these things I'm about to link a full FireJay treatment, I might end up drop kicking my computer out of my window.

2) We haven't posted in a while. Gotta give the people what they want.

So... there isn't a lot to say... other than I'm simply and completely shocked that this guy gets paid to sit around and think this stuff up. I'd rather he write a thousand heart-warming pieces about blind midget rugby players with irregular heartbeats than one more vomit-inducing attempt at comedy.

LAWLZ, WHAT IF WES HAD A MACHINE DAT MADE COACHEZ SAY WHATZ DEY RLY MEEN

OH NOES, LOOK AT DEEZ FUNNY WAYZ DUH CUBS COULD LOSE EVEN DOUGH DEY DONT MAKE SENS

Boooooooooooooo. Rick Reilly is somehow less clever than Jay Mariotti.

Shameless Ploy for Big-Market Readers

Just your average pre-playoff Tuesday, waiting for the Twins/White Sox game to start, getting vaguely excited about baseball. So I went sailing around teh_interwebz, casting my nets about for the good fish to be had. I happened to trawl around to Lake MLB.com, where I found a pearl of great price and subsequently decided to abandon this stupid metaphor.

But really.

MLB.com's FRONT PAGE is pimping the following article: "Yankees Fans Divided on Cubs-Dodgers"

What?

The day before the division series starts, and there's a front-page article on the ostensible home page for ALL OF BASEBALL, and what do we find? Articles about Cubs fans, Dodgers fans, Rays fans, Twins/White Sox fans, Angels fans... articles about actual baseball that has been played, or baseball that will soon be played...

Nope. Yankees' fans opinions about the NLDS. Oh, sure, MLB.com, you're a place where people can go to get good, relevant, insightful baseball coverage.... Actually, MLB.com, you're a joke, a portal where MLB can shamelessly cross-promote its various products (which I wrote about recently here) with a smattering of shit journalism thrown in. I will now end the world's first apostrophe to a website. But honestly - if my byline read "writer for MLB.com", I might punch myself.

It's a sad day when media portals like this one have to resort to asking random fans in New York (who seem to be overwhelmingly Italian-American, though it's by any means a representative sample) what they think about a National League playoff series.

The conclusion I'm drawing: Yankees fans are not baseball fans, do not care about non-Yankee playoff baseball, but that MLB.com is desperate for readers, so they pander to these generally-apathetic baseball fans by putting Yankee coverage on the front page.

QED!

The Hockey News Bores You Anywhere Now

Using extremely flawed logic, I got a shiny new BlackBerry thinking that one of these interviews I've been on would give me a great new job that I would need it for. All I've gotten so far is The Hockey News application, which let me read this horrible item yesterday.

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman splashed cool water on the possibility of expansion this week,

Comma? There's more to this?

but there’s always a chance things will change in the next decade or so.

So why wait? Let's make stupid jokes now.

For the sake of this top 10 list, let’s say another wave of expansion in North America and across the Atlantic Ocean brings the league to 40 teams.

I, Brian Costello, really wanted to write a stupid top ten list. But I'm not creative enough. So I'm going to take my ridiculously stupid idea, and make it even more ridiculous and stupid. Now it's the Beverly Hills Chihuahua of top ten lists!

Sure, the on-ice talent will be watered down, but just think how much scoring would go up.

The idea of anybody thinking and reading this article have gone out the window. Just get to the bad jokes.

Here are 10 nicknames I’d like to see for 10 cities to consider. Just missing the top 10 were the Auckland Golden Seals and the Santiago Gulls.

See, because both the Golden Seals and Gulls were nicknames for teams that played in California/Oakland and San Diego. I wish somebody read this blog in New Zealand so I could find out if there are actually seals there. Somebody will have to write something stupid about rugby that I understand before any Kiwis show up, I suppose.

10. Bratislava Gears. Slovakia’s chief export is machinery and transport equipment.

Yeah, that's all he wrote.

9. Oklahoma City 66’s. It was the first major stop on the original Route 66.

As long as you don't count cities like Chicago, Springfield, IL; St. Louis, Springfield, MO; and Tulsa. But why would you do that when you have a crown city like Oklahoma City?

8. Prague Pils. No country makes a better beer.

Than the Czech Republic? Really? This is also where I remind everyone that I'm from St. Louis and have my own personal beliefs. And if you go on a free tour of the brewery, they give you free beer.

7. Kitchener-Waterloo Black Bears. The area is rife with the little devices.

Then make your stupid nickname joke BlackBerries. Shit. Why was this list made again? Because there is no expansion?

6. Moscow Freeze. Cold and intimidating

No period at the end. Freeze is also Brian Costello's favorite prostitute, for the same reason he likes the nickname.

5. Kansas City Fountains. The city claims to have the second most fountains in the world.

See, I would have gone with "worthless scrotums" here, but that's why I don't get paid to write. They do have a lot of fountains, and the city still sucks.

4. Stockholm Nordics. Quebec’s not using the moniker anymore.

Nobody used this moniker. Except for home fitness machines.

3. Winnipeg Jets. The old logo would need to be spruced up.

This guy had to make a list of these and then rank them to see which one was the best. And this hit #3.

2. Helsinki Formulas. Its players would have the best hairlines in the league.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!1!!! Like the shampoo! The players wouldn't be bald! Best hairlines in the league! As long as you disregard the fact that the IIHF wouldn't let the NHL just put a team anywhere in the world they want.

1. Las Vegas Gamblers. Let’s not try to fool anyone here.

Because every person in Las Vegas has a gambling problem. That's why they would live there.

Can't wait to keep up with this publication all season long. It's only preseason and already it sucks.

Pat Forde Wishes Nick Saban Was His Dad, and It Makes Me Want to Jump in Front of a Bus

But before I get to that, let me clear out some clutter I accumulated in my brain while watching football this weekend:

-During Saturday night's Penn State/Illinois game, the Nittany Lions were facing a 3rd and 9 from their own 21 with about 14:00 remaining in the first quarter. There was, obviously, no score. Kirk Herbstreit could have picked any number of adjectives to describe the nature of the third down conversion PSU was facing; he went with "huge." (Emphasis his.) That was a poor, poor choice.

-For reasons that only God or possibly my hangover could hope to explain, I actually bothered to watch most of the Browns/Bengals game today. And in doing so, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that former Raiders and Chiefs QB Rich Gannon is a great color commentator. He's the anti-Joe Morgan; almost everything he said made sense, and he didn't once talk about his own accomplishments. (This despite having ample opportunity to do so, as neither QB in this game played like they could start for a decent D-I college team.)

-In stark contrast were the contributions of Tony Siragusa to the Packers/Buccaneers game that was happening at the same time. What a fucking pudwhacker. My theory about him is that he's like Milton from the movie Office Space. FOX actually fired him several years ago and he no longer receives a paycheck, but no one has the heart to tell him to stop showing up for work.

-During the Cowboys/Redskins game, Troy Aikman provided this analysis re Dallas's DeMarcus Ware and an angry reaction a couple of Washington players provoked out of him:

They [defensive linemen] don't like it when they've got an offensive lineman engaging them up top, and then they have a back going down on them as well.

I don't think you can show that on broadcast TV. I'm not even sure if you can say it.

-This is a general observation unrelated to the sports media, but it's pretty annoying how often guys' helmets are coming off this year. It's like a new fad where players are intentionally not strapping them on tightly enough because it looks awesome when they fly off. (To the credit of Aikman and Joe "A Disgusting Act!" Buck, they're the only announcing team I've heard comment on the phenomenon so far this fall.) Anyways, I'm thinking it maybe goes back to that Jason Witten play last year where he got his helmet torn off while shedding a tackle and then ran thirty yards down the field without it. I admit, that was kind of cool. There are a few problems with the current trend (presumably) emulating that play, however:

1) Witten looked cool because he lost his hat while doing something positive for his team. Ninety percent of the guys I've seen get theirs popped off this year, however, have had that happen while getting fucking crushed by someone in a very negative fashion. Even worse than it happening when you're getting tackled during a non-exciting play on offense is having it happen when you're trying to tackle someone. See: one of the North Carolina guys who got dumptrucked on a crackback block during a punt return in their game against Miami on Saturday. I mean, if you're going to get decleated on national TV, at least try to keep your face as obscured as possible.

2) I don't want to sound like a mom or something, but it seems like this is probably an unsafe practice. (Again, assuming it is an intentional practice. I mean, maybe it's just a coincidence that you see like five or six guys a game losing their helmets this year as opposed to zero or one in years past. But probably not.) If you watch the hit that knocked Anquan Boldin unconscious today, it looks like his helmet is in the process of popping off when the second hit (the one that did most of the damage) comes in. Just saying. Maybe in the interest of, you know, not sustaining horrible injuries, guys should try to keep the thing that prevents their head from being crushed like a melon as secure as possible. Just an idea.

Anyways, onto this piece of crap Forde wrote. There's something... puffy about it.

Scott Cochran knew what he was cussing about after all.

As the Alabama strength coach famously predicted during practice last week, the blackout was a bleepin' funeral for Georgia, which lost 41-30.

"Famously" being used very loosely here. I consume about as much sports media as is humanly possible for someone who also has a day job/activity, and I heard nothing about this. If you Google "Scott Cochran predict Alabama Georgia funeral" or some derivation thereof, you will see zero results besides this article itself that aren't from a blog or message board.

In fact, the blackout was a blowout until two late embalming-fluid touchdowns by the overwhelmed home team. Rest in pieces, Bulldogs.

But in classic circle-of-life form, this upset romp wasn't just an interment. It also was a rebirth for the Crimson Tide as a full-on title contender.

The prose is getting pretty purple around here. Life! Death! Cycles thereof! Most importantly, football!

In near-record time.

It's fucking September. They've played five games. To quote Harvey Keitel, let's not go sucking each other's dicks just yet.

It has taken Nick Saban all of 18 games as coach to rocket Alabama from having a losing record to digging graves for top-10 opponents.

He spent one of those 18 games losing to Louisiana-Monroe during homecoming weekend last November. He spent another one losing to Mississippi State, and yet another losing to his school's most hated rival. So clearly, he's the next Bear Bryant. (I'm not saying he's definitely not... I'm saying, why is Pat so fucking certain that he's got everything under control? IT'S STILL SEPTEMBER.)

And it has taken this 2008 Tide team a month to go from unranked in the preseason USA Today coaches' poll to possibly No. 1 when the new rankings come out this week.

Has anyone ever done that?

Probably. You're the guy getting paid to write this. Maybe you could take the time to research and answer your own question.

Alabama stands alongside Oklahoma as the two most impressive teams to date. On my ESPN.com power rankings ballot, I'll give the edge to the 5-0 Tide.

Can we also award them the 2008, 2009, and 2010 BCS Championship trophies? I don't see any reason why we shouldn't.

"We probably played the best half of football we've played all season long," said the endlessly demanding Saban, who fumed at his team's second-half lapses as much as he praised its first-half brilliance. "It couldn't have come at a better time."

Understand this: Nick Saban could not have come to Tuscaloosa at a better time.

Clever. But wouldn't it maybe have been even better timing for him to show up last year and save them from ekeing out an embarrassing 7-6 season, which included a home loss to a team from the Sun Belt? Oh, that's right. He was there for that.

This is why you pay a guy $32 million over eight years. Because he's just that good.

Nauseating. I'm not disputing that the guy obviously knows how to coach. (In the NCAA, anyways.) He has the numbers and ring to prove it. But really, what's the point of a sentence like that? If it's not: "I'm Pat Forde, and I love Nick Saban with all my heart and soul," then I'm afraid I can't parse it.

He's that relentless as a recruiter, bringing in instant-impact players like freshman wide receiver Julio Jones (who had five catches for 94 yards and a touchdown Saturday) and juco transfer nose tackle Terrence Cody (who's just a scary man at 6-foot-5 and 365 pounds).

I'm fucking exhausted of this Jones guy already. You can't watch college football-related programming for more than five minutes this fall without hearing about him. Let's just award him the Heisman tomorrow and immediately send him to the St. Louis Rams. I'm sure they could use him. Also- you know who Saban didn't recruit? Almost every Alabama player who made an impact against Georgia.

He's that painstaking in preparation, overseeing a game plan that rendered Georgia Heisman Trophy candidate Knowshon Moreno almost useless and burned the Bulldogs' defense repeatedly. Moreno got just nine carries as Georgia was forced strictly into the passing game.

Clearly, Saban's precise, exact gameplan (verbatim) was "take a 31 point lead so Moreno doesn't get any carries." What a genius. Here's an idea- any time Team A beats Team B by taking a big early lead and never relinquishing it, and Team B has a great running back who doesn't get enough carries, let's credit Team A for "painstakingly" crafting a gameplan that would achieve that exact result.

Saban is that persistent in pursuit of perfection. It's why he treats praise like poison.

Hopefully he reads this article and slips into a coma, then.

It's why the thought of Alabama ranked No. 1 is at least mildly appalling.

What a horrendous use of false understatement. Forde- you stink.

It's why he smiles less than Spock.

Did Jonah Keri write this?

He never looks happy. Public happiness might be construed as satisfaction, and satisfaction could lead to slacking off, and slacking off could lead to losing, and Nick Saban would rather sleep with snakes than lose.

What a beautiful man. I'm nominating him for Time "Person of the Year." I think he should replace Chuck Norris in terms of having annoying one-liners about how great he is being pasted all over the fucking internet by 13 year olds.

"Once you lose your intensity, it's hard to get it back," Saban said. He was lamenting Alabama's third-quarter miscues that let Georgia back in the game, but he might as well have been describing his approach to football. Eternal intensity.

Fuck. That. I used to think you were an alright dude, Forde. I didn't mind your "Forde Yard Dash" column, even if your choice of "Dashette" for the week was pretty borderline. That ship, however, has sailed. I know I've sounded like a hater throughout this piece. That's probably because I am. But the question remains, for haters and non-haters alike... who the fuck writes like this, especially about someone like Nick fucking Saban of all people?

What a zilcheroo.

And please, please, please let some crazy Alabama message board hooligans get ahold of this. I'm begging for it. In case that happens, here's your disclaimer-

1) I'm not an Auburn fan
2) I'm not a Georgia fan
3) I'm actually a fan of a team that hasn't played Alabama for more than 20 years
4) I just hate Nick Saban... a lot
5) And for what it's worth, now I hate Pat Forde too

Apparently Broadcasters and Units of Time Aren't Getting Along This Month

September 25th game, White Sox vs Twins, Orlando Cabrera is on 1st base.

Hawk Harrelson: "Orlando Cabrera has 18 stolen bases on the year."

Darrin Jackson: "He's been sitting on 18 for awhile, gotta be at least two months since his last steal."

Hawk Harrelson: "It's been since August 5th."

Darrin Jackson: "So OVER two months!" (emphasis his)

I have no words.