Are We Just Not Supposed To Take Anything on FoxSports Seriously?

I mean....between this article and Ed Hardiman...I've kind of lost faith. Some lady named Lisa Horne has just written a pathetically bad article.

10 most obnoxious fan bases

COLLEGE FOOTBALL THAT IS. OTHERWISE THE RED SOX WOULD BE THERE.

...anyway.

10. Florida
They live in the past and never shut up. They're sore losers and worse winners. Blackboard, meet fingernails. Presenting the 10 most obnoxious college football fan bases

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Really? They live in the past? If true, they do really suck. But me, I'd think the UF fan base would be living in the present given that they won a national championship two years ago and are looking like a fair bet to win one this year. Also their posterboy QB is coming off a Heisman campaign as the frontrunner for another Heisman.

Or does she mean the past like "stop talking about last year you losers! stop talking about last week when you stomped Miami! stop living in the past!"

Everything else in this entry could be applied to every fucking fanbase in CFB if you happened to dislike their team. Generic, meet Fox Sports reader!

At No. 10 is Florida, formerly coached by Steve "The Evil Genius" Spurrier. There used to be a popular joke that asked what the difference was between God and Steve Spurrier. The answer: "God doesn't think he's Steve Spurrier." Spurrier's gone to South Carolina now (how appropriate that he coaches a team whose mascot is named "Cocky"), replaced by Urban Meyer. Florida fans got all superior-like when Meyer turned down Notre Dame in favor of coming to Gainesville. Well, duh! Ever try to work on your tan in South Bend?

No words.

But Florida classlessness dates back at least to 1971, when the infamous "Gator Flop" against Miami got the ball back so John Reaves could break the NCAA passing record

Remember this excerpt for two reasons

1.) This lady absolutely refuses to make up her mind whether she's writing about programs or fan bases. This garbage about Spurrier being cocky and Florida's onfield behavior have very little to do with whether their fanbase is annoying, right? I mean, am I right?

2.) I want to propose a theory later that FoxSports just let some random Miami fan write some article about CFB teams she hates

9. Florida State
What makes FSU fans so obnoxious? How about bragging about themselves and their rituals instead of their football team? Since the Seminole players can't seem to entertain, the FSU faithful have to rely on cheesy Native American war chants, the Tomahawk Chop gimmick (how '90s) and hot chicks in Daisy Dukes and cowboy hats to amuse themselves.

Is this "annoying fanbases" or "annoying things I saw while randomly flipping through the channels on a college football Saturday"?

But seriously, fuck them for having tradition. And fuck them for continuing their traditional behavior EVEN WHEN THEIR TEAM IS LOSING.

God, what an annoying fanbase.

8. Alabama
Crimson Tide fans take living in the past to a whole new level. How long has Bear Bryant been gone? They brag about how many titles they've won and proclaim their rivalry with Auburn the greatest ever, but they're on an 0-6 streak in the Iron Bowl. Maybe they're the ones who started this whole "SEC" chant thing; if your team can't win, hide behind your conference's success.

Even a blind pig finds a shitbucket

7. Ohio State
Just how many times are Buckeyes fans going to make a big deal out of dotting that "i"? Attention to detail is all well and good, but come on

Once again, fuck them! How dare they have a unique and memorable tradition!

They use regular-season success to pronounce their team the greatest ever, then scatter like rats when their heroes get spanked in a title game. After they almost lost to Ohio, you have to wonder whether the wrong school has the pretentious "The" in front of its name.

That's kind of funny. I hate Ohio State and I hate that tOSU shit. But it's not THAT funny. I'm going to play curmudgeon here.

6.

Clemson
Do you get the feeling that Clemson fans feel they belong in the SEC and tend to over-compensate for it? They call their stadium Death Valley and chant "Tiger bait" at visiting teams, but honestly, what have they done in the last 10 years?

Clemson? Really? I mean...I'm not an ACC fan (unlike, evidently, Lisa Horne) but...Clemson? Really? Of all the fucking fanbases in all the fucking gin joints in this country?

And "what have they done in the last 10 years?" Well they haven't done anything particularly amazing, but they have established themself at or near the top of the ACC in recruiting and on-field performance despite being one of the least traditionally prestigious schools in a conference full of historically notable programs.

A golf championship in 2003? ("Spin that wedge! Sink that putt!") These SEC-wannabe fans are downright delusional

Once again, I'm not sure (since unlike Horne I'm not an ACC fan) but I'm PRETTY SURE she just made up something to make fun of Clemson fans for?

As in "heh heh wouldn't it be funny if they cheered on their golf team with golf related cheers at football games? That's typical Clemson. In conclusion, that is why Clemson fans suck!"?

5

. Southern Cal
Raise your hand if you're counting the days 'til the NCAA hammers the Trojans with sanctions so bad that Tommy Trojan falls on his sword and takes that mind-numbing band and those spoiled "V"-fingered fans with him. Forcing Traveler to listen to "Conquest" 50 times a Saturday should qualify as animal cruelty. Someone call PETA.

: I

4. Oklahoma
Stoops is the greatest, and this is the year. Right, every dang year. Give it up already.

Bob Stoops's record at OU:

1999: 7-5, bowl loss
2000: 13-0, Big Xii title, Orange Bowl win, National Championship
2001: 11-2, Cotton Bowl win
2002: 12-2, Big Xii title, Rose Bowl (fuck the BCS) win
2003: 12-2, Big Xii South title, BCS bowl berth
2004: 12-2, Big Xii title, BCS bowl berth
2005: 8-4, Bowl win
2006: 11-3, Big Xii title, BCS bowl berth
2007: 11-3, Big Xii title, BCS bowl berth
2008: 2-0, 4th in both polls.

Yeah, fuck that guy. What's he ever done?

Their fans demand the Sooners be ranked in the top 10 on reputation alone

See above

Get back to us when you can beat a WAC team in a BCS bowl.

Get it? Because remember when it happened that one time? Where an OU that Vegas favored by a whole 7 points happened to lose to a very very good WAC team in a BCS bowl game?

HA! Take that Oklahoma. Get back to us when that thing that happens that one time has not have happened! You lose nearly ever year to a WAC team in a BCS bowl game as long as that year is 2006! Time to take care of business and beat those WAC teams once and for all when you meet them in BCS bowl games in 2006. Ridiculous!

How dare they have lost that one time. Horrible fans.

3. LSU
Do their fans really think that changing the English language will make them better than everyone else? Geaux figure.

Yes. They do. Also, bayous and shit.

Their so-called rivalry game is with Tulane (yawn), and they never run out of excuses for their cupcake non-conference schedule.

Yeah fuck those guys. Playing in the incredibly weak SEC they play absolutely no tough conference games. And on top of that they schedule cupcake non-cons? Certainly no other major conference program would ever schedule Iaa or D-II noncons!

Also, fuck their fanbase for not storming the bastille at Baton Rouge and DEMANDING they schedule a totally tough team, like Michigan, not cupcakes like Appalaichan State.

Speaking of.

2. Michigan
What can you say about a fan base that thinks a loss should be rewarded? Never mind their incessant complaining after dropping (gasp!) in the rankings after losing to No. 1 Ohio State in 2006, they actually think the rest of the country cares about their rivalry with the Buckeyes. Maybe if the game actually determined a legit BCS title contender, we would.

Well, they did lose an incredibly close game to supposedly the best team in the country. But this isn't a particularly ridiculous quibble on my main girl Lisa's part. But...seriously "they actually think the rest of the country cares about their rivalry with the Buckeyes."

Oh, Lisa. Let me let you in on a little secret:

LOTS OF FUCKING PEOPLE CARE ABOUT ONE OF THE MOST HISTORICAL AND HEATED RIVALRIES IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL HISTORY.

But without a doubt, Michigan fans are the whiniest fans in college football.

Lisa's logic:

1. I set out to prove that Michigan fans are the whiniest in CFB
2. Lloyd Carr complained that losing by a narrow margin to the #1 team in the country shouldn't cost him a ranking spot. Once.
3. Ohio State-Michigan games haven't determined the National Title in a long time.
4. QED!

But ok. So Michigan fans are the whiniest ever. In the whole world. But Michigan's #2. Who could be #1? O the suspense! What program could possibly annoy Lisa Horne the most?

1.Notre Dame

Ok. A few things by way of preface. Me, Pnoles, Larry B, and Dan-Bob are all Notre Dame fans in some capacity. We go to games and are in general huge homers.

That said: Notre Dame has obnoxious fans. The ND fan base and the Chicago Cub fan base have a huge overlap. Enough said. Furthermore, Notre Dame is constantly and annoyingly overhyped year after year. It is undoubtedly true that they secure BCS and other major bowl berths other teams arguably deserve more and then lose their games pitifully. It is true that even when ND is out of contention for even a bowl berth everything Notre Dame does is blown out of proportion on ESPN when other people probably wish they could watch highlights of teams they care about and who might actually have an impact on the national title picture. It is also very true that the Irish are currently doing very little to merit national TV coverage when very exciting and relevant teams are buried deep in regional coverage.

It is completely fair to rank Notre Dame #1 on any "annoying __________ in College Football List."

That said, Lisa Horne completely boots it. She Leon Letts it. She Billy Bucks it. She Mary Todd Lincoln's it.

Let us count the ways.

The Irish rest on their laurels and think they deserve to bless us every Saturday on NBC. The 1940s have been over for a long time, folks. Notre Dame has been irrelevant for more than a decade, yet their myopic fans see light behind a 3-9 year. Call them out as a bad team and their fans bleat, "But you're still talking about us," in Stepford synchronicity. Obnoxiousness, thy home is South Bend.

1. What does the first sentence even mean? Who is resting on what laurels?

2. Notre Dame has been irrelevant for over a decade? Well certainly that's true if your only definition of relevance is winning bowl games, since the Irish haven't won a bowl game in over a decade. However, I don't know too many people who define relevance that way. I would probably define relevance by pointing to 2 BCS bowl berths (however "undeserved) in 2005 and 2006 as well as a 2002 team that was in the National Title picture as late as November 30th. But then again what the fuck do I know? I'm so...

3....myopic I see light behind a 3-9 year. What the fuck does that mean? Does that mean, like Las Vegas oddsmakers, I believe this team will win more games than they did in their historically bad 2007 campaign. Well fuck me. Or does she really think there's fans out there who think Notre Dame is a contender this year? My suspicion is, much like with Florida State, she's pretty much just saying "Your team sucks and you haven't hanged yourself? Pathetic!"

Even so.

Ok. So I said I'd propose a theory at the end of this column that Lisa Horne is a Miami fan. So look: here's the evidence

--Both Miami's major in state rivals are on this list and she uses a randomly irrelevant (to non Miami fans) incident against Miami as her keynote piece of evidence against Florida's fan base.

--Oklahoma, a team not particularly known for having an obnoxious fan base (most people I've talked to have nothing but good things to say about football trips to Norman), is on the list. Huge rivalry with Miami

--Ohio State. 2003. Tempe.

--Clemson?? Really.

--Notre Dame, though admittedly obnoxious, is yet another Miami rival.

Oh well. I guess if she's a fan of The U, I can't be too salty. After all her life must be plenty rough. Not much to cheer for down there these days. Except, I guess, my main man G-reg and his mad skills on the microphone.

Chronicling the Possible Collapse: The Nature of the Cubs' Fan Base

Let's talk about sports and the media.

The Chicago Tribune - a subsidiary of the Tribune Company that owns the Chicago Cubs - keeps up a steady stream of coverage to keep the Cubs' legions of fans sated with information. Since the Cubs' latest antics includes losing eight of their last nine, it's certainly the job of the Tribune's reporters to bring the grim news to the once-happy fans.

What's awesome/hilarious/terrible [depending on who you are] - is the manner in which they do it. Now, the Cubs, in case you didn't know, have a history of inept collapses. It's true - lots of teams have blown leads. The 1951 Dodgers, 1993 Giants and 2007 Mets are legendary for blowing leads. Here's an interesting article that looks at the statistical numbers - suggesting, actually, that the 1995 Angels were the biggest "chokers". Over the course of a hundred years of baseball, for every comeback team, there's a comeback victim.

But the best part about the Cubs' possible collapse, from the perspective of a non-Cubs fan, is watching the sharks swim around the damaged ship. They're circling - noting every little piece of evidence - that might bring down the ship. Until August 29, that ship had sailed quite pleasantly - running up to the tune of 85-50 and a .629 winning pct. But the recent spread of losses - which could easily be attributed by any sane fan to a small sampling of bad luck to an otherwise good team - has sent their writers into a frenzy.

Here are five recent media reports focusing on the Cubs' performance recently. Though some of them do contain real, thoughtful analysis of the Cubs' slide, a lot of them are full of some really awful claims.

Sample #1: Steve Rosenbloom's Tribune blog from Tuesday 9/9

And if it isn’t the specter of ’69 and the Cubs actually make the postseason,

Here's why I call hysteria on all this: the Cubs still have a 98.91% chance of making the playoffs according to PECOTA's projections. Wondering if "the Cubs actually make it" is completely nuts, Steve.

then Cubs fans rip open the scabs of ‘84 and ‘03

Jeez. That's some nasty prose.

and maybe even last year when manager Lou Piniella got all cute and yanked his best pitcher to keep him fresh for a game that still hasn’t been played.

LOLOL I GET IT! THE CUBS STILL HAVEN'T MADE LAST YEAR'S PLAYOFFS! I HAVE A ROCK IN MY SHOE! I AM DOING SUCH A SHIT JOB HERE!

That’s the way Cubs fans work, and wouldn’t that be a fascinating double-blind psychological study: Self-hating, death-wish Cubs fans -- nature or nurture?

Good question, Steve. I suggest you enlist Northwestern's graduate school of psychology to answer this question. Here, I'll save you the trouble: they are nurtured - by the sky-is-falling rhetoric of people like you.

Sample #2: Paul Sullivan, Tribune writer; "Scariest Thought for Cubs? 1969"

He carefully notes five similarities between the 1969 Cubs (who went 8-17 in September) and the 2008 Cubs. This includes such spurious comparisons as "ABSENT MANAGERS: Durocher skipped out to Camp Ojibwa and Pinella got lost!" - failing to note the clear distinction between a deliberately-absent manager going AWOL and a manager accidentally getting lost on a road trip. It's this kind of nonsense that - literally - spawns more of the Cub-curse nonsense. If I were a Cubs fan, I'd be insulted by this kind of spurious reasoning, but maybe that explains why I'm too smart to be a Cubs fan.

Sullivan closes with this doozy:
But if you see a black cat on the field at Shea Stadium when the Cubs make their final visit there in two weeks, prepare for a long winter

LOL BLACK CATS ARE EVIL AND BAD AND ONE WAS ON THE FIELD IN 1969.

Sample #3: Dave van Dyck's Postgame report on the Cubs' 4-3 loss to the Reds on Sunday

CINCINNATI - For those who believe in such things, the reason Ronny Cedeno went from hero to goat Sunday might have been that infamous billy goat's footprint changing the direction of a high-hopping ball near second base.

Wow. They let the goat walk on the field in between innings or something?

Even for those who don't believe the Cubs are eternally doomed, Sunday would give them pause.

If you don't believe in this sort of superstitious/divine/karmic nonsense, Sunday would give you enough pause enough to realize that the Cubs are still in first place by a large margin.

After losing seven of eight games, including Sunday's 4-3 stinker to the Reds, it is understandable that the mentality has evolved into a sky-is-falling September swoon.

No, it isn't. It's never understandable. It's only understandable because idiots like you keep writing this stuff - and the Cub fan base is either too comatose (from drinking) or too ignorant to call you on it.

Sample #4: Dave van Dyck's Article on the Cubs' Remaining Schedule

Most Cubs fans, at least those with a knowledge of history, are already climbing the figurative staircase to the top floor for the jump.

I like how he doesn't say "all" Cubs fans, because that probably wouldn't be true. I think, like Dave does, that most Cubs fans are idiots and would probably climb a figurative staircase and walk to the figurative ledge and consider figurative suicide even when their team is not-figuratively in a position where it is 98.9% likely that they will make the playoffs.

LOL GOOD THING ITS NOT A REAL STAIRCASE MAN THAT WOULD BE BAD

Losses in seven of eight games? A manager so upset he can't talk? Two pitchers hurting, an offense sputtering, the Cardinals waiting?

The Cardinals have an elimination number of eleven. And it's September 10. You are a hysterical moron.

Yes, yes, yes, but there's also a reality side to what's going on, which means the staircase can be used to get to the ground floor as well, although Cubs fans rarely realize it.

Criticizing your own fans in your column for a disease-ridden hysteria that you help create? Awesome! Nice work, Dave!

Dave also mentions some useful points - such as the Cubs' most-difficult-remaining schedule and the fragile arms and brains of Cubs pitchers. He presents a series of "panic" and "not-panic" scenarios like a "point" and "counterpoint" argument - with each ludicrous "panic" argument balanced by a reasonable "don't panic" argument. It's like Dave's inner self, fighting his intuition's desire to weep with his reason's cool logic.

Sample #5: 'Federal Agent Arrested At Reds Game' - WCPO-TV, Cincinnati

According to court records, when a concession employee working the View Level at Great American Ball Park refused to serve alcohol to 26-year-old Rafael Rosario, the Cubs fan asked two more times.

When Cincinnati Police asked to see Rosario’s I.D., he tensed up and claimed he was a federal agent and the officer had no right to see his I.D.

Records show Rosario is employed by the Transportation Safety Administration at O’Hare Airport in Chicago.

Police say he gave them an Illinois state drivers license, not a federal I.D. Police note Rosario, who was wearing a red Cubs shirt and blue Cubs hat, refused to cooperate with officers and had blood shot eyes and smelled of alcohol.

This has nothing to do with sports journalism. I just think it's hilarious.

I have no problem with using a really small sample size (read: one drunk Cubs fan) to generalize to the entire population of Cubs fans (millions of people, including a large portion of my family and friends) and call them a legion of drunken ignoramuses.

Because that's probably the only group of people that would tolerate this kind of writing.

HatGuy's BAAAAAAAACK!

Wow. It's been so long, Mikey! Welcome back to baseball. I haven't even read your disaster on how awesome the Red Sox are yet, but I'm going to fire up teh ol' bloggomakerfunnerofer anyways, just because you and Gene Wojc-eafiwoe;faw (I legitimately forgot how to spell his name this time) are the only people who awful enough at writing to have a 100% FireJay-worthy spew rate. On we go, fuckheads.

Move over, Yankees: Red Sox are 'It' team now
Boston’s fight for the division lead is worthy of a great dynasty

Hear that, Red Sox? You're "It" now. Like Miley Cyrus, or whatever those dagnabbed kids are listening to these days. I would like to reveal my identity now. I am P. Nelson Olesdorf, a crotchity 71-year-old man from Florida.

The American League East is used to the big, bad team with great pitching, a super bullpen, clutch hitting up and down the lineup and a swagger in its gait grabbing the division by the throat in September and not letting go.

A "swagger in its gait"? Hey HatGuy, the 1950s called, they want their lingo back.

Oh wait, he's talking about the Yankees, and they were good in the 1950s. Maybe he means those (Damn) Yankees(!)?

No....he said "American League East"....a phrase that would have made the world riot back then.

It’s just not used to that team suiting up in uniforms that aren’t decorated with pinstripes.

BOOM! Gotta love that twist.

The Red Sox aren’t just coming. They’re banging at the door of the division lead, and whether they grab it right now from the amazing Rays or wait another week to get the job done isn’t important.

....apparently the Rays hanging on to the division lead isn't an option.

What is worth taking a moment to gawk at in wonder is how quickly and emphatically Boston has asserted itself.

Syntax, man! You're a professional writer for crissake. We'd better get dan-bob to find a written copy of this crap to mark it up in red frowny faces and stuff.

What Tampa’s doing is one of the great stories that baseball has ever given us. But they’re a young team that doesn’t know what they’re not capable of, a team that’s caught lightning in a bottle for the first time in franchise history.

I understand that this is common sportswriter bullshittery. But isn't "a young team that doesn't know what they're not capable of" a good thing? Like they don't know their limits, so nothing's holding them back or something? Whatever. I'm not here. GREAT paragraph, HatGuy.

What Boston is doing is just as impressive — maybe more so. The Red Sox are doing the hardest thing in sports: living up to expectations.

Tampa Bay: Exceeding expectations.
Botson: Living up to expectations.

HatGuy feels that the latter is more impressive.

Whatever.

They’re coming off their second championship in four seasons, and with what they’re doing this year, it’s fair to start talking about them the way we used to talk about the Yankees. They’re a dynasty now, a powerful team that overcomes injuries, adversity and other teams that think they can knock them off.

Valid valid valid!

You don’t become a dynasty because a bunch of pundits with laptops say you are. You get there by doing it on the field.

It's true. Did you know that a bunch of pundits with laptops consider the 2002-2008 Toronto Blue Jays a dynasty?

::looks at what he's typing on::

Oh shit! He's making fun of me! Hey man, I'm not a pundit! I don't even know what that means!

::quick trip to dictionary.com::

pun·dit (n) - A learned person, expert, or authority.

Why are you making fun of people who are learned and have expertise?

I'll still deny that title. But it doesn't take a pundit to disect this garbage. See, I use that word in everyday language now! I'm learning! But....but learning's apparently frowned upon and made fun of. I'll stop.

The Red Sox were such an outfit 90 years ago. Now, with their two titles and their performance this year to back it up, they are that again.

Who fucking talks like you? "The Red Sox were such an outfit?" Do you go to baseball games, sit in the stands, and talk like this to the drunken fanatics around you? "I say, gents! The Red Sox were such an outfit 90 years ago. But the current resume of our squad suggests we're...how do you say this....kicking it old school!" No one needs the fourth definition of "outfit," Mike. It's just there to take up space in the friggin dictionary.

There’s an aura about such teams.

Bad journalism 101: Invent stuff that isn't there.

Call it swagger if you will, but it’s more than just the insouciant self-confidence that term implies.

Advanced Bad Jouralism: Use dumb words like "swagger." Use large, unnecessarily strange and rarely-used words like "insouciant" in place of simple ones like "relaxed" to give the reader a false sense of inferiority.

I swear, this guy fucking goes to thesaurus.com at least 15 times per article, then just plays eeny-meeny-miney-mo with the synonyms.

Opposing teams talk about it as if it were a palpable thing. They come into the home field of a dynasty and they go weak in the knees telling reporters about what a special place it is.

Bad Journalism Honors for Pundits: Blow out of proportion one quote you probably thought you might have once heard from a player and blow it out of proportion and accept the new, exaggerated stance as complete and total truth.

In the days when Boston was a lovable group of losers, opposing teams gushed about Fenway Park, but the discussion involved the quaint contours, the looming Green Monster, the Pesky Pole and everything else that makes the cramped old bandbox baseball’s crown jewel.

Today, opposing teams talk more about how hard it is to play there, the way they used to talk about Yankee Stadium. There are ghosts of past greatness collecting in the nooks and crannies of the old ballpark, a history of success that players feel.

I will sum up this up in 5 words.

"The Red Sox got better."

Sign me up, msnbc.com!

That word “tradition” is the telling one. Just a few years ago, if you said “tradition” in connection with the Red Sox, you were talking about seventh-game losses in October.

::whew:: OK. I'm sick of going back through baseballreference.com. The only time the Red Sox have lost a game 7 of any kind in recent memory was 2003. I don't know what the hell you are talking about. That does not constitute a "tradition."

Dynastic teams pack their aura and swagger along with the bats, balls and gloves when they go on the road. And when autumn looms on the calendar, they play their best. The Red Sox are doing that. They’re the big, bad team from the AL East now, the team nobody wants to face.

And they’re coming after first place.

Wow. Thanks for the disaster, Mike, you didn't disappoint. Hey, I don't know if this is relevant, but the entire "dynasty" was built by a pundit with a laptop from Yale.

Buck Showalter: Still Dumb as Rocks

We already knew that, remember? Well, he said something last night might be worse. (Thanks to reader Andrew for the tip.)

During a discussion about how the Red Sox have a lot of "homegrown" players, he had this to say:

The pitcher pitching tonight; you could argue he's homegrown.

On the mound for Boston at the time? Daisuke Matsuzaka. Yeah, paying $100 million to pluck an established free agent from the Japanese League... that's how you develop your own players. No question.

Peter King: Fat, Annoying

If I have to tell you the two major themes in Peter King's MMQB column, then clearly you're not a golfer.

From his "Fine 15":

New York Jets (1-0). "We didn't even have a chance to discuss this before the play was called,'' Eric Mangini told me, regarding the lottery pick of a touchdown pass from Brett Favre to Chansi Stuckey in the first half at Miami. It was fourth-and-13 at the Miami 22, and the Jets had no kicker because, for the moment, Mike Nugent had a bum thigh, and so Favre, under heavy pressure, threw it up deep.

"That's something that only a smart player would know -- throw it down to the end zone, and the opposition catches it, who cares? The worst thing would be to take the sack and give them the ball in good field position. Brett knew just to throw it and take the chance.'' The ball, I said to Mangini, would not have been thrown by a quarterback who cared about his quarterback rating. "Absolutely not,'' he said.

Boom, bang, kablammo! (That's the sound of either your head or your bathtub whiskey distillery exploding)

1. Wouldn't an experienced quarterback have found an open reciever who was past the first down line, rather than heaving a jump ball into the endzone?

2. Quarterbacks who worry about their quarterback rating are usually worried about two things: throwing balls their receivers can catch, and not throwing interceptions.

3. When was the last time a QB was accused of purposely sabotaging a hail mary attempt because he didn't want his QB rating hurt by a likely interception? The answer: never.

From the: What I learned about football that I didn't know last week section:

The NFL passed a rule in April to allow communication between the sideline and one defensive player on the field, the same as offensive coach-to-quarterback communication. Theoretically, this would take away some of the advantage an offense has had for several years, with coaches being able to call plays into a quarterback's ear until the 15-second mark on the play clock.

But because many defensive players don't play every snap, the rule allowed for a second player to have a speaker in his helmet, but only if the first defensive player wasn't in the game. So the second player needs to have two helmets: one that he'll wear when he's not getting the play called into him, and one with a speaker in the helmet. To prevent a team from having both players with the speaker in the helmet in the game on the same play, the NFL decided to put a man in an official's hat and white official's pants on each sideline to guard the backup defensive-communicator's helmet.

Thoroughly confused? Or thoroughly disgusted?

There are 267 games in the NFL this year -- 256 regular-season games and 11 more in the playoffs. Thus, the NFL will spend $80,100 for those three employees to do their sacred duties at each game.

You know, I agree; it is pretty stupid that the NFL has to employ three people per game just to make sure this doesn't happen. You'd think that it'd be something that officials would notice. If the NFL were a government organization, and my tax dollars went to it, I might be pretty disgusted.

But guess what PK, the NFL makes a shit load of money. They make more than $80,100 off the first 100 people through the gate at most stadiums. And considering that they just had a season that was marred by a cheating scandal, that $80k seems like a small price to pay for peace of mind.

Also, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the NFL doesn't hire millionaires to make that cooshy $30/per hour salary, so it's probably going to people who will spend that extra 100 bucks a week immediately; thereby helping the economy (if you believe in the trickle up theory, which I do). So your righteous indignation is just idiotic in every way.

The Way We Were

The first in a year-long (or longer) series comparing players of today with those of long ago, or not so long ago. In this section, I'll compare players who, for reasons on and off the field, could have switched places in time and been similar.

Brett Favre vs. Sammy Baugh

I didn't read this comparison, nor will I ever. Let's see if I can stomach next week's comparison between Tom Brady and a former college quarterback that was killed in Vietnam.

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week:

Sometimes I forget the things that annoy me on the road, and Saturday, at an NBC rehearsal for the 2008 TV season, Bob Costas reminded me of one.

At hotels now -- and this has been happening for four or five years -- when you order room service, the male or female waiter who comes to the door always asks: "May I come in?''

Which prompted Costas, coming off a month in a hotel in Beijing, to say: "May I come in?! No! I'll eat the meal in the hallway! What do you mean, 'May I come in?' ''

Good point, Bobby.

Choose your own adventure time:

Repulsed by hypocrisy: Weren't you outraged by the NFL spending $80,000 to make sure there was no cheating, and now you're talking about getting room service on NBC's expense account?

Sarcastic: Who's writing this column now, Jerry Seinfeld and Gregg Easterbrook?

Logical explanation (with sarcasm): I've never been with a woman in a hotel (or anywhere for that matter), but I imagine that many guys take women there. I wouldn't be shocked if these men and women often engage in sexual congress that goes on and off throughout the night, causing them to miss their dinner reservations and call down for room service. I know this is going to make me sound like a looney tune, but maybe, just maybe these men and women are naked when the room service guy arrives with the food. Maybe he asks "may I come in," because his hotel manager has gotten complaints from angry rich people about the room service guy coming in, when the people just wanted their food left outside. I know it's really far out there, but it's just a theory of mine.

From 10 Things I Think I Thought while washing down those 12 queso burritos from Qdoba with a Cinnabon/chocolate milk combo that I liquefied in my blender:

When Peter Gammons says the AL MVP is Dustin Pedroia, that gets my attention.

Mine too, like "Wow, should this guy still be allowed to communicate to a national audience?" or "Does he know who this guy on Pedroia's team is?" or "Can he even begin to fathom what this guy is doing statistically?"

The answer to all the previous questions: no.

For the record, Ocho Cinco is not "Eighty-Five'' in Spanish. It's "eight five.''

This is why Peter King gets paid the big bucks.

I think I'm starting to think Carson Palmer belongs in Jay Cutlerville. He hasn't been a commanding presence on the field for some time, I'd say going back to mid-2006, and I'm hard-pressed to think of him in the same league with the top five or six quarterbacks. I did put him there in my top 50 in the SI NFL Preview issue, but after watching him Sunday, I almost wish I could have that one back.

1. What exactly is the common denominator between Palmer and Cutler?

2. Really says a lot about your top 50 list that you're ready to abandon a guy after one week.

3. Did it ever occur to Peter King that Palmer's struggles might've had something to do with the fact that he was playing against a team that's only one year removed from being the best in the league? No because...

4. It's blatantly obvious to me that Peter King didn't watch the game, didn't read the AP report, didn't look at anything besides the score and Carson Palmer's numbers. If he had, he would've seen that Palmer was left out to dry by his offensive line and the one interception he threw was a pass that should've been caught but was bobbled into Ravens' CB, Chris McAlister's, hands.

Said McAlister, "good football analysis by Peter King, nevermore."*

*He didn't actually say that, but that's what I imagine him saying to me, if I ever get to hang out in his hotel room with him after the Ravens win the Superbowl after going 19-0.

There Is Something Fundamentally Wrong With America

This post started as an attempt to debunk Dustin Pedroia's AL MVP candidacy. Because he plays for the Red Sox, and I hate short white people (because I am a quasi-tall white person), and blah blah blah. Disappointingly, however, my extensive research revealed that he would be an OK choice for the award. Maybe not the best choice, mind you; but a decent choice. And now that Carlos Quentin is hurt, possibly the best choice from a playoff bound team. But anyways, that was how this post started.

How did it finish? With me realizing that many baseball writers, players, and fans in this country have a problem. A problem that infuriates the likes of me. They simply can't acknowledge that some players are MVP candidates because they are good at the fundamental parts of baseball- hitting, pitching, and fielding. They can't do it. That would be too simple/boring/unfulfilling. Instead, they have to resort to the kind of bullshit that fills up the vast majority of this article.

The Dustin Pedroia-for-MVP bandwagon continues to fill up, with comments over the weekend by Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen providing a big push in momentum.

It's true, sometimes sound bites have an impact on these races. Jimmy Rollins pretty much won the 2007 NL MVP by making his famous division-winning guarantee. A little bit different, because that sound bite came straight from the player's mouth, but you know what I mean.

Guillen went on and on about the Red Sox second baseman, saying:

What's he going to say? That Pedroia's OPSing almost 1.000 since June 1st? That he's got a WARP1 of 8.6 and an EqA of .301? OK, it's probably unfair to expect Ozzie to delve deeply into this kind of analysis. However, did he really have to say-

“I’m a big fan. I love the way he plays. If 90 percent of the players played the way he does, I would pay for a ticket to watch baseball. The way he plays, this kid, that’s the way people should be playing every day.”

What. The fuck. Are you talking about. I guess if I had to cull that sentence down to something slightly less confusing, it would be: he plays the game the way it was meant to be played. Fantastic. There's your MVP, right there.

Suddenly the chants of “MVP, MVP,” heard at Fenway and from Sox fans on the road seems like more than just cheerleading. The possibility of Pedroia actually winning the award seems more and more real.

Like I already said, I guess so. Too bad. Tragic for the likes of me, but certainly fair to say.

“I told him that I’m going to paint an ‘S’ on his chest,” Sox outfielder Mark Kotsay said.

More strange than annoying.

Pedroia’s opponents likely wouldn’t argue with the Superman analogy.

“I think it’s well deserved, I think he can win it,” Baltimore first baseman Kevin Millar said of the MVP possibility.

Please elaborate.

“I think he’s a hell of a ballplayer. He plays bigger than he is.

And this was the point where I started to realize: we have a problem. We can't just say that guys are good. We have to talk about meaningless bullshit. We can't stay away from it. We need the Ecksteins, we need the Erstads. Even when a player is legitimately great, we have to find ways to turn it into feely-good shitpie.

He plays Gold Glove defense.

Points for trying.

He does everything you can ask anyone to do on the baseball field.

Who, besides maybe Milton Bradley or Carl "Jurassic" Everett, doesn't fit that description? How many guys are in the Major Leagues, among the top .00001% of baseball players in the whole world, and don't do everything asked of them? This is useless. Tell me something about how good he is at baseball.

Pitcher Paul Byrd has been dazzled by Pedroia during his brief time with the Sox. “This guy in my opinion is the MVP of the league,” Byrd said.

Because...

“He’s unbelievable. I didn’t know he was that good when I came over here. The guy plays hard, he dives, he plays great defense.

He plays hard. He dives. Stupendous. He hits the ball too, you know. He bats. Usually four or five times a game. And he's pretty good at it.

I feel like I’ve got two guys playing second base.

I wanted to make a joke about a baseball player with multiple personality syndrome here, but I couldn't think of any. Wrong sport, but Herschel Walker, anyone? Too soon?

“He gets the big hit when it counts. (He is a) clutch player.

His 2008 OPS with 2 ours and RISP: .689. (He has been extremely good in "late and close" sitiations, for what it's worth.)

I just can’t say enough about him.

Maybe if you keep going, you'll say something substantive.

As he goes, we go.”

You forgot to point out that he plays larger than he is.

For teammate Alex Cora, that’s what drives Pedroia and best defines his quality as a player: Everything he does is aimed at helping the team win.

That selfish A-Rod never does anything like that. Not even Jimmy Rollins is that unselfish. In fact, you might be surprised to learn this, but the vast majority of baseball players don't give a shit whether or not their teams win. They're just out there, collecting paychecks and scanning the crowd for floozies. (Especially if they are taller than 5'10" and/or not white.)

“The bottom line is he shows up every day and plays,” Cora said.

Grady Sizemore rarely makes it to the ballpark anymore these days. Even when he does, he usually just sits in the clubhouse and plays with a Rubiks Cube.

“He doesn’t care how many hits he gets. All he wants to do is anything he can to make a difference and help us win a game.”

Probably the best way for him to do that: get hits.

“You thought Roberto Alomar was an MVP-type of player?” Cora said of the former Blue Jays star, who received MVP votes in seven seasons.

Is... is that rhetorical? Are you asking the interviewer, or the reader?

“That’s what were talking about right here. What we saw when Robbie was in Toronto, that’s what we’re seeing here from Pedroia. Same type of player.

This is another one of the disappointing parts of the article. I was going to blow this assertion out of the water. Then I looked up the numbers, and... yeah, it's a mildly fair comparison. Not quite the same player, but close. Alomar was generally better in his near-MVP seasons, but not by enough of a degree to make me make a big deal out of it. Crap. Well, let me get back to making delicious ballpark lemon Squishys (tm) out of lemons.

“But you know what? If you ask him, would he trade this MVP talk for us being in first place right now in the East and all set for the playoffs, that’s what he’d want.

On the other hand, if you told Cliff Lee (who leads the AL in WARP1, for what it's worth) that he could either have the MVP or a playoff berth, I think it's totally obvious he would opt for the former. Playoffs? Who the fuck wants to go to the playoffs?

Winning, that’s all that important to him.”

Not like that self-important guy playing 3rd base for the Yankees. No sir. SOMEONE TALK ABOUT HIS HITTING, PLEASE. FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK- HE'S A GOOD HITTER.

Yeah, but he better get used to the MVP chants. They aren’t going to stop anytime soon.

Since the article ends on this point and I haven't done so yet, this is where I have to make fun of the no-name staff writer for a no-name publication who wrote this article. Nice conclusion, asshole. I hope the Boston Herald fires you and you have to go back to writing for a shitty blog like this one. You stink. Here's my slightly less awful conclusion:

Dear America,

Really, I promise it's OK to praise a short, white baseball player for being good at baseball. You don't just have to say he plays hard, or always has dirt on his uniform, or would kill a man with a butter knife just for the chance to lay down a sacrifice bunt. You can just say: hey, he's a good hitter. It's not that fucking hard.

Sincerely,

Bitter and Unfunny Parents' Basement Guy

Oh My God. What Are We Going To Do? Besides Panic, I Mean

Oh no.

Oh fucking no.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

That's it, people. The season is canceled. Why would anyone want to pay attention to the NFL if Tom Brady isn't a part of it?

Seriously though- eat a big bag of poop, Patriots. As I'm about to explain, it's not that I'm happy Brady got hurt. But I sure am happy their team is going to be a lot worse than expected this year. And I don't see any problem with making that separation.

This is probably going to end up being a progressive post that I update as more and more ridiculous analysis of this injury rolls in, but let's get started with the first two nausea-inducing things I've heard since it all went down about 12 hours ago.

John Madden, during Sunday Night Football:

I'm sure the Patriots are devastated. But really, the whole league is probably devastated.

Listen, no one normal wants to see someone get hurt. (Well, except for me with Curt Schilling, and fortunately that happened. So I guess that proves that I was in the right. Anyways.) It's not like players from the other 31 teams are sitting around high-fiving each other. But really... devastated? As in, deeply affected? Extremely upset about? Maybe things have changed since you coached, John, but in this situation I'm fairly certain that at the absolute bare minimum, the other three teams in the AFC East are tactfully comfortable with the idea of Brady taking a season off.

Trent Dilfer, during ESPN's "The Blitz:"

This guy is one of the true heroes of the game.

At least he didn't say one of the true heroes of all time for the whole world, like Mother Teresa or John Elway or something. Still- excuse me while I step away for a minute to fill my kitchen sink with vomit.

Like I said, stay tuned. I'm sure the worst of this garbage is yet to come.

Ironically, This Comment Was Made During a College Football Game (Emphasis on "College")

Miami (Ohio) vs. Michigan. Televised on ESPN2. About 8 minutes left in the 3rd quarter. Miami faces a 4th and 2 from the Michigan 15. Michigan leads 10-3. (That is to say, they're ahead by 7 points.) Dave Pasch and Andre Ware are your commentators.

Pasch: Well, what do you do here on 4th down? It's a tough call.
Ware: I think it's an easy call. You kick, take the points, and that puts you within a field goal.

Andre, come on. You can do better than that. Break out a calculator, or a slide rule, or maybe an abacus. Count it on your fingers if you have to. Ten minus three, buddy. Ten minus three.

EDIT: Maybe it would be more accurate to say ten minus three... minus three. But you know what I mean.

Standard FireJayMariotti Template

Relocated from the Gustav aftermath, with a special shout-out to reader kclock, who is housing me temporarily and providing me with interweb access so I can get back to my regular blogolife, which is much different than my regularlife, which involves Qdoba on a regular basis, but only because it's right by my place. I hope Gustav didn't destroy it. Anyways! Enough about me!

I thought we should just have a standard template for how to produce our blog posts here, so here's the basics on how do to what we do. Don't try this at home, kids!

FireJayMariotti Blogpost Part 1: Story with ridiculous headline.

Snakes on a different plane since Dunn's arrival

What? Oh, how witty! "Plane" can mean both a flying vehicle and a geometric concept! And it was a crazzzy movie involving Samuel L. Jackson, summer blockbusters and questionable ironies! I have had it up to here with these cottonpicking pop culture references I found on this cottonpicking blog! [Blogger's note: click on that link for hilarity.]

FireJayMariotti Blogpost Part 2: Make fun of the writer.

Scott Miller, this is your seventh time getting served on this site - you're no Jay Mariotti or Jemele Hill, but you're creeping up the list. This post dates from Larry B's pre-capital letters era, but it's no less incisive at your incredible stupidity. I even found an old bit I wrote shortly after this blog even started, where you un-ironically dropped the phrase "True Yankee". "Senior Writer" my ass!

FireJayMariotti Blogpost Part 3: Point out writer's abuse of simple baseball metrics:

Since his arrival on Aug. 12, the Diamondbacks have gone 7-5 -- and yet doubled their NL West lead on the Dodgers, from 1½ games to three.

So... the Dodgers' recent spell of below .500 baseball can be directly attributed to the influence of Adam Dunn?

FireJarMariotti Blogpost Part 4: Blatantly expose writer's affection for baseball "intangibles" and devalue the writer's article as a result.

Interesting stuff, especially when measured against Dodgers coach Larry Bowa's anger at the team's blasé ways while getting swept in Philadelphia, and when measured against one scout's observation the other day that Matt Kemp, who always hustles, didn't run hard to first in a recent game. The haphazard influence of Manny Ramirez?

Anecdotal evidence, to be sure, and definitely not fair to attach it to Ramirez. But worth watching as the Diamondbacks and Dodgers race -- or, in this division, leisurely jog -- down the stretch.

If it's "definitely not fair" to attach it to Ramirez, why did you just do that, Scott?

Also, I'm pretty sure Manny's 1.235 (!) OPS for the Dodgers so far is a LOT MORE HELPFUL than Matt Kemp, who always hustles, hustling out a routine grounder.

FireJayMariotti Blogpost Part 5: Harp on the writer's word choice - choosing even as small a sample as ONE WORD to demonstrate how the writer is a complete idiot.

But for a young lineup still learning how good it can be, it's a whole lot easier to put theories into action when a slugger such as Dunn lurks in the middle and guys like Reynolds no longer feel like they need to stop in a telephone booth on the way to the plate and change into Superman.

Adam Dunn has never lurked anywhere, since he's 6'6". His nickname is "Big Donkey". Also, when you go to a baseball game, they post the lineup on the big scoreboard in bright lights, so everyone in the stadium, even the other team!, knows exactly when Adam Dunn is going to bat.

Also, this Mark Reynolds guy sounds pretty weird.

FireJayMariotti Blogpost Part 6: Discuss blogger's personal opinion and conclude with a parting one-liner.

I miss Adam Dunn in Cincinnati. The Reds are running a AAA outfield out there ever day, and I miss Adam Dunn's pretty impressive production. I find it hilarious that the very things for which Dunn was excoriated in Cincinnati:

• a laid-back attitude
  
• a predilection for walks that allegedly prevents him from driving in runs
• lack of leadership in the clubhouse

are now become things for which Dunn is praised in Arizona. It must be Dunn's grungy T-shirt, his mulleted hairstyle, his have-fun attitude: that's why Adam Dunn is carrying the D-backs to the playoffs.

Not his .995 OPS. That has nothing to do with it.

Mariotti is the Pot, Woody Paige is the Kettle

Special thanks to reader Jim A for the tip. On yesterday's Around the Horn, the following situation (allegedly, we don't have any visual evidence, but fuck it, this is a blog, we don't have to substantiate anything as far as I'm concerned) took place.

Woody, obviously, is based in the Denver/Boulder area. And anyone who has lived there for the past 10 years or so will never forget the backstabbing the University of Colorado received at the hands of a certain current UCLA football coach. He basically packed his bags in the middle of the night and left for Washington after promising over and over again that he wanted to stay with CU for life. People there are just a little bit sore about the whole deal, even to this day. And subsequently, that coach has earned himself a couple degrading nicknames. I think that's about all the background you need. The rest I'll just leave in Jim's words:

That Woody Paige guy called Rick Neuheisel "Neuweasel," and the next sound was the voice of Jay Mariotti saying, "stop holding a grudge". I actually watched the replay of the show on ESPN2 just to make sure I heard right. It's a good thing Mariotti is such a fair and reasonable person who would never use his position and access to public media to hold a grudge against a guy like, say, Ozzie Guillen. What a fucking hypocrite.

Don't hold grudges, Woody. That's unprofessional.