Buck Showalter: Still Dumb as Rocks

We already knew that, remember? Well, he said something last night might be worse. (Thanks to reader Andrew for the tip.)

During a discussion about how the Red Sox have a lot of "homegrown" players, he had this to say:

The pitcher pitching tonight; you could argue he's homegrown.

On the mound for Boston at the time? Daisuke Matsuzaka. Yeah, paying $100 million to pluck an established free agent from the Japanese League... that's how you develop your own players. No question.

Peter King: Fat, Annoying

If I have to tell you the two major themes in Peter King's MMQB column, then clearly you're not a golfer.

From his "Fine 15":

New York Jets (1-0). "We didn't even have a chance to discuss this before the play was called,'' Eric Mangini told me, regarding the lottery pick of a touchdown pass from Brett Favre to Chansi Stuckey in the first half at Miami. It was fourth-and-13 at the Miami 22, and the Jets had no kicker because, for the moment, Mike Nugent had a bum thigh, and so Favre, under heavy pressure, threw it up deep.

"That's something that only a smart player would know -- throw it down to the end zone, and the opposition catches it, who cares? The worst thing would be to take the sack and give them the ball in good field position. Brett knew just to throw it and take the chance.'' The ball, I said to Mangini, would not have been thrown by a quarterback who cared about his quarterback rating. "Absolutely not,'' he said.

Boom, bang, kablammo! (That's the sound of either your head or your bathtub whiskey distillery exploding)

1. Wouldn't an experienced quarterback have found an open reciever who was past the first down line, rather than heaving a jump ball into the endzone?

2. Quarterbacks who worry about their quarterback rating are usually worried about two things: throwing balls their receivers can catch, and not throwing interceptions.

3. When was the last time a QB was accused of purposely sabotaging a hail mary attempt because he didn't want his QB rating hurt by a likely interception? The answer: never.

From the: What I learned about football that I didn't know last week section:

The NFL passed a rule in April to allow communication between the sideline and one defensive player on the field, the same as offensive coach-to-quarterback communication. Theoretically, this would take away some of the advantage an offense has had for several years, with coaches being able to call plays into a quarterback's ear until the 15-second mark on the play clock.

But because many defensive players don't play every snap, the rule allowed for a second player to have a speaker in his helmet, but only if the first defensive player wasn't in the game. So the second player needs to have two helmets: one that he'll wear when he's not getting the play called into him, and one with a speaker in the helmet. To prevent a team from having both players with the speaker in the helmet in the game on the same play, the NFL decided to put a man in an official's hat and white official's pants on each sideline to guard the backup defensive-communicator's helmet.

Thoroughly confused? Or thoroughly disgusted?

There are 267 games in the NFL this year -- 256 regular-season games and 11 more in the playoffs. Thus, the NFL will spend $80,100 for those three employees to do their sacred duties at each game.

You know, I agree; it is pretty stupid that the NFL has to employ three people per game just to make sure this doesn't happen. You'd think that it'd be something that officials would notice. If the NFL were a government organization, and my tax dollars went to it, I might be pretty disgusted.

But guess what PK, the NFL makes a shit load of money. They make more than $80,100 off the first 100 people through the gate at most stadiums. And considering that they just had a season that was marred by a cheating scandal, that $80k seems like a small price to pay for peace of mind.

Also, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the NFL doesn't hire millionaires to make that cooshy $30/per hour salary, so it's probably going to people who will spend that extra 100 bucks a week immediately; thereby helping the economy (if you believe in the trickle up theory, which I do). So your righteous indignation is just idiotic in every way.

The Way We Were

The first in a year-long (or longer) series comparing players of today with those of long ago, or not so long ago. In this section, I'll compare players who, for reasons on and off the field, could have switched places in time and been similar.

Brett Favre vs. Sammy Baugh

I didn't read this comparison, nor will I ever. Let's see if I can stomach next week's comparison between Tom Brady and a former college quarterback that was killed in Vietnam.

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week:

Sometimes I forget the things that annoy me on the road, and Saturday, at an NBC rehearsal for the 2008 TV season, Bob Costas reminded me of one.

At hotels now -- and this has been happening for four or five years -- when you order room service, the male or female waiter who comes to the door always asks: "May I come in?''

Which prompted Costas, coming off a month in a hotel in Beijing, to say: "May I come in?! No! I'll eat the meal in the hallway! What do you mean, 'May I come in?' ''

Good point, Bobby.

Choose your own adventure time:

Repulsed by hypocrisy: Weren't you outraged by the NFL spending $80,000 to make sure there was no cheating, and now you're talking about getting room service on NBC's expense account?

Sarcastic: Who's writing this column now, Jerry Seinfeld and Gregg Easterbrook?

Logical explanation (with sarcasm): I've never been with a woman in a hotel (or anywhere for that matter), but I imagine that many guys take women there. I wouldn't be shocked if these men and women often engage in sexual congress that goes on and off throughout the night, causing them to miss their dinner reservations and call down for room service. I know this is going to make me sound like a looney tune, but maybe, just maybe these men and women are naked when the room service guy arrives with the food. Maybe he asks "may I come in," because his hotel manager has gotten complaints from angry rich people about the room service guy coming in, when the people just wanted their food left outside. I know it's really far out there, but it's just a theory of mine.

From 10 Things I Think I Thought while washing down those 12 queso burritos from Qdoba with a Cinnabon/chocolate milk combo that I liquefied in my blender:

When Peter Gammons says the AL MVP is Dustin Pedroia, that gets my attention.

Mine too, like "Wow, should this guy still be allowed to communicate to a national audience?" or "Does he know who this guy on Pedroia's team is?" or "Can he even begin to fathom what this guy is doing statistically?"

The answer to all the previous questions: no.

For the record, Ocho Cinco is not "Eighty-Five'' in Spanish. It's "eight five.''

This is why Peter King gets paid the big bucks.

I think I'm starting to think Carson Palmer belongs in Jay Cutlerville. He hasn't been a commanding presence on the field for some time, I'd say going back to mid-2006, and I'm hard-pressed to think of him in the same league with the top five or six quarterbacks. I did put him there in my top 50 in the SI NFL Preview issue, but after watching him Sunday, I almost wish I could have that one back.

1. What exactly is the common denominator between Palmer and Cutler?

2. Really says a lot about your top 50 list that you're ready to abandon a guy after one week.

3. Did it ever occur to Peter King that Palmer's struggles might've had something to do with the fact that he was playing against a team that's only one year removed from being the best in the league? No because...

4. It's blatantly obvious to me that Peter King didn't watch the game, didn't read the AP report, didn't look at anything besides the score and Carson Palmer's numbers. If he had, he would've seen that Palmer was left out to dry by his offensive line and the one interception he threw was a pass that should've been caught but was bobbled into Ravens' CB, Chris McAlister's, hands.

Said McAlister, "good football analysis by Peter King, nevermore."*

*He didn't actually say that, but that's what I imagine him saying to me, if I ever get to hang out in his hotel room with him after the Ravens win the Superbowl after going 19-0.

There Is Something Fundamentally Wrong With America

This post started as an attempt to debunk Dustin Pedroia's AL MVP candidacy. Because he plays for the Red Sox, and I hate short white people (because I am a quasi-tall white person), and blah blah blah. Disappointingly, however, my extensive research revealed that he would be an OK choice for the award. Maybe not the best choice, mind you; but a decent choice. And now that Carlos Quentin is hurt, possibly the best choice from a playoff bound team. But anyways, that was how this post started.

How did it finish? With me realizing that many baseball writers, players, and fans in this country have a problem. A problem that infuriates the likes of me. They simply can't acknowledge that some players are MVP candidates because they are good at the fundamental parts of baseball- hitting, pitching, and fielding. They can't do it. That would be too simple/boring/unfulfilling. Instead, they have to resort to the kind of bullshit that fills up the vast majority of this article.

The Dustin Pedroia-for-MVP bandwagon continues to fill up, with comments over the weekend by Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen providing a big push in momentum.

It's true, sometimes sound bites have an impact on these races. Jimmy Rollins pretty much won the 2007 NL MVP by making his famous division-winning guarantee. A little bit different, because that sound bite came straight from the player's mouth, but you know what I mean.

Guillen went on and on about the Red Sox second baseman, saying:

What's he going to say? That Pedroia's OPSing almost 1.000 since June 1st? That he's got a WARP1 of 8.6 and an EqA of .301? OK, it's probably unfair to expect Ozzie to delve deeply into this kind of analysis. However, did he really have to say-

“I’m a big fan. I love the way he plays. If 90 percent of the players played the way he does, I would pay for a ticket to watch baseball. The way he plays, this kid, that’s the way people should be playing every day.”

What. The fuck. Are you talking about. I guess if I had to cull that sentence down to something slightly less confusing, it would be: he plays the game the way it was meant to be played. Fantastic. There's your MVP, right there.

Suddenly the chants of “MVP, MVP,” heard at Fenway and from Sox fans on the road seems like more than just cheerleading. The possibility of Pedroia actually winning the award seems more and more real.

Like I already said, I guess so. Too bad. Tragic for the likes of me, but certainly fair to say.

“I told him that I’m going to paint an ‘S’ on his chest,” Sox outfielder Mark Kotsay said.

More strange than annoying.

Pedroia’s opponents likely wouldn’t argue with the Superman analogy.

“I think it’s well deserved, I think he can win it,” Baltimore first baseman Kevin Millar said of the MVP possibility.

Please elaborate.

“I think he’s a hell of a ballplayer. He plays bigger than he is.

And this was the point where I started to realize: we have a problem. We can't just say that guys are good. We have to talk about meaningless bullshit. We can't stay away from it. We need the Ecksteins, we need the Erstads. Even when a player is legitimately great, we have to find ways to turn it into feely-good shitpie.

He plays Gold Glove defense.

Points for trying.

He does everything you can ask anyone to do on the baseball field.

Who, besides maybe Milton Bradley or Carl "Jurassic" Everett, doesn't fit that description? How many guys are in the Major Leagues, among the top .00001% of baseball players in the whole world, and don't do everything asked of them? This is useless. Tell me something about how good he is at baseball.

Pitcher Paul Byrd has been dazzled by Pedroia during his brief time with the Sox. “This guy in my opinion is the MVP of the league,” Byrd said.

Because...

“He’s unbelievable. I didn’t know he was that good when I came over here. The guy plays hard, he dives, he plays great defense.

He plays hard. He dives. Stupendous. He hits the ball too, you know. He bats. Usually four or five times a game. And he's pretty good at it.

I feel like I’ve got two guys playing second base.

I wanted to make a joke about a baseball player with multiple personality syndrome here, but I couldn't think of any. Wrong sport, but Herschel Walker, anyone? Too soon?

“He gets the big hit when it counts. (He is a) clutch player.

His 2008 OPS with 2 ours and RISP: .689. (He has been extremely good in "late and close" sitiations, for what it's worth.)

I just can’t say enough about him.

Maybe if you keep going, you'll say something substantive.

As he goes, we go.”

You forgot to point out that he plays larger than he is.

For teammate Alex Cora, that’s what drives Pedroia and best defines his quality as a player: Everything he does is aimed at helping the team win.

That selfish A-Rod never does anything like that. Not even Jimmy Rollins is that unselfish. In fact, you might be surprised to learn this, but the vast majority of baseball players don't give a shit whether or not their teams win. They're just out there, collecting paychecks and scanning the crowd for floozies. (Especially if they are taller than 5'10" and/or not white.)

“The bottom line is he shows up every day and plays,” Cora said.

Grady Sizemore rarely makes it to the ballpark anymore these days. Even when he does, he usually just sits in the clubhouse and plays with a Rubiks Cube.

“He doesn’t care how many hits he gets. All he wants to do is anything he can to make a difference and help us win a game.”

Probably the best way for him to do that: get hits.

“You thought Roberto Alomar was an MVP-type of player?” Cora said of the former Blue Jays star, who received MVP votes in seven seasons.

Is... is that rhetorical? Are you asking the interviewer, or the reader?

“That’s what were talking about right here. What we saw when Robbie was in Toronto, that’s what we’re seeing here from Pedroia. Same type of player.

This is another one of the disappointing parts of the article. I was going to blow this assertion out of the water. Then I looked up the numbers, and... yeah, it's a mildly fair comparison. Not quite the same player, but close. Alomar was generally better in his near-MVP seasons, but not by enough of a degree to make me make a big deal out of it. Crap. Well, let me get back to making delicious ballpark lemon Squishys (tm) out of lemons.

“But you know what? If you ask him, would he trade this MVP talk for us being in first place right now in the East and all set for the playoffs, that’s what he’d want.

On the other hand, if you told Cliff Lee (who leads the AL in WARP1, for what it's worth) that he could either have the MVP or a playoff berth, I think it's totally obvious he would opt for the former. Playoffs? Who the fuck wants to go to the playoffs?

Winning, that’s all that important to him.”

Not like that self-important guy playing 3rd base for the Yankees. No sir. SOMEONE TALK ABOUT HIS HITTING, PLEASE. FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK- HE'S A GOOD HITTER.

Yeah, but he better get used to the MVP chants. They aren’t going to stop anytime soon.

Since the article ends on this point and I haven't done so yet, this is where I have to make fun of the no-name staff writer for a no-name publication who wrote this article. Nice conclusion, asshole. I hope the Boston Herald fires you and you have to go back to writing for a shitty blog like this one. You stink. Here's my slightly less awful conclusion:

Dear America,

Really, I promise it's OK to praise a short, white baseball player for being good at baseball. You don't just have to say he plays hard, or always has dirt on his uniform, or would kill a man with a butter knife just for the chance to lay down a sacrifice bunt. You can just say: hey, he's a good hitter. It's not that fucking hard.

Sincerely,

Bitter and Unfunny Parents' Basement Guy

Oh My God. What Are We Going To Do? Besides Panic, I Mean

Oh no.

Oh fucking no.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

That's it, people. The season is canceled. Why would anyone want to pay attention to the NFL if Tom Brady isn't a part of it?

Seriously though- eat a big bag of poop, Patriots. As I'm about to explain, it's not that I'm happy Brady got hurt. But I sure am happy their team is going to be a lot worse than expected this year. And I don't see any problem with making that separation.

This is probably going to end up being a progressive post that I update as more and more ridiculous analysis of this injury rolls in, but let's get started with the first two nausea-inducing things I've heard since it all went down about 12 hours ago.

John Madden, during Sunday Night Football:

I'm sure the Patriots are devastated. But really, the whole league is probably devastated.

Listen, no one normal wants to see someone get hurt. (Well, except for me with Curt Schilling, and fortunately that happened. So I guess that proves that I was in the right. Anyways.) It's not like players from the other 31 teams are sitting around high-fiving each other. But really... devastated? As in, deeply affected? Extremely upset about? Maybe things have changed since you coached, John, but in this situation I'm fairly certain that at the absolute bare minimum, the other three teams in the AFC East are tactfully comfortable with the idea of Brady taking a season off.

Trent Dilfer, during ESPN's "The Blitz:"

This guy is one of the true heroes of the game.

At least he didn't say one of the true heroes of all time for the whole world, like Mother Teresa or John Elway or something. Still- excuse me while I step away for a minute to fill my kitchen sink with vomit.

Like I said, stay tuned. I'm sure the worst of this garbage is yet to come.

Ironically, This Comment Was Made During a College Football Game (Emphasis on "College")

Miami (Ohio) vs. Michigan. Televised on ESPN2. About 8 minutes left in the 3rd quarter. Miami faces a 4th and 2 from the Michigan 15. Michigan leads 10-3. (That is to say, they're ahead by 7 points.) Dave Pasch and Andre Ware are your commentators.

Pasch: Well, what do you do here on 4th down? It's a tough call.
Ware: I think it's an easy call. You kick, take the points, and that puts you within a field goal.

Andre, come on. You can do better than that. Break out a calculator, or a slide rule, or maybe an abacus. Count it on your fingers if you have to. Ten minus three, buddy. Ten minus three.

EDIT: Maybe it would be more accurate to say ten minus three... minus three. But you know what I mean.

Standard FireJayMariotti Template

Relocated from the Gustav aftermath, with a special shout-out to reader kclock, who is housing me temporarily and providing me with interweb access so I can get back to my regular blogolife, which is much different than my regularlife, which involves Qdoba on a regular basis, but only because it's right by my place. I hope Gustav didn't destroy it. Anyways! Enough about me!

I thought we should just have a standard template for how to produce our blog posts here, so here's the basics on how do to what we do. Don't try this at home, kids!

FireJayMariotti Blogpost Part 1: Story with ridiculous headline.

Snakes on a different plane since Dunn's arrival

What? Oh, how witty! "Plane" can mean both a flying vehicle and a geometric concept! And it was a crazzzy movie involving Samuel L. Jackson, summer blockbusters and questionable ironies! I have had it up to here with these cottonpicking pop culture references I found on this cottonpicking blog! [Blogger's note: click on that link for hilarity.]

FireJayMariotti Blogpost Part 2: Make fun of the writer.

Scott Miller, this is your seventh time getting served on this site - you're no Jay Mariotti or Jemele Hill, but you're creeping up the list. This post dates from Larry B's pre-capital letters era, but it's no less incisive at your incredible stupidity. I even found an old bit I wrote shortly after this blog even started, where you un-ironically dropped the phrase "True Yankee". "Senior Writer" my ass!

FireJayMariotti Blogpost Part 3: Point out writer's abuse of simple baseball metrics:

Since his arrival on Aug. 12, the Diamondbacks have gone 7-5 -- and yet doubled their NL West lead on the Dodgers, from 1½ games to three.

So... the Dodgers' recent spell of below .500 baseball can be directly attributed to the influence of Adam Dunn?

FireJarMariotti Blogpost Part 4: Blatantly expose writer's affection for baseball "intangibles" and devalue the writer's article as a result.

Interesting stuff, especially when measured against Dodgers coach Larry Bowa's anger at the team's blasé ways while getting swept in Philadelphia, and when measured against one scout's observation the other day that Matt Kemp, who always hustles, didn't run hard to first in a recent game. The haphazard influence of Manny Ramirez?

Anecdotal evidence, to be sure, and definitely not fair to attach it to Ramirez. But worth watching as the Diamondbacks and Dodgers race -- or, in this division, leisurely jog -- down the stretch.

If it's "definitely not fair" to attach it to Ramirez, why did you just do that, Scott?

Also, I'm pretty sure Manny's 1.235 (!) OPS for the Dodgers so far is a LOT MORE HELPFUL than Matt Kemp, who always hustles, hustling out a routine grounder.

FireJayMariotti Blogpost Part 5: Harp on the writer's word choice - choosing even as small a sample as ONE WORD to demonstrate how the writer is a complete idiot.

But for a young lineup still learning how good it can be, it's a whole lot easier to put theories into action when a slugger such as Dunn lurks in the middle and guys like Reynolds no longer feel like they need to stop in a telephone booth on the way to the plate and change into Superman.

Adam Dunn has never lurked anywhere, since he's 6'6". His nickname is "Big Donkey". Also, when you go to a baseball game, they post the lineup on the big scoreboard in bright lights, so everyone in the stadium, even the other team!, knows exactly when Adam Dunn is going to bat.

Also, this Mark Reynolds guy sounds pretty weird.

FireJayMariotti Blogpost Part 6: Discuss blogger's personal opinion and conclude with a parting one-liner.

I miss Adam Dunn in Cincinnati. The Reds are running a AAA outfield out there ever day, and I miss Adam Dunn's pretty impressive production. I find it hilarious that the very things for which Dunn was excoriated in Cincinnati:

• a laid-back attitude
  
• a predilection for walks that allegedly prevents him from driving in runs
• lack of leadership in the clubhouse

are now become things for which Dunn is praised in Arizona. It must be Dunn's grungy T-shirt, his mulleted hairstyle, his have-fun attitude: that's why Adam Dunn is carrying the D-backs to the playoffs.

Not his .995 OPS. That has nothing to do with it.

Mariotti is the Pot, Woody Paige is the Kettle

Special thanks to reader Jim A for the tip. On yesterday's Around the Horn, the following situation (allegedly, we don't have any visual evidence, but fuck it, this is a blog, we don't have to substantiate anything as far as I'm concerned) took place.

Woody, obviously, is based in the Denver/Boulder area. And anyone who has lived there for the past 10 years or so will never forget the backstabbing the University of Colorado received at the hands of a certain current UCLA football coach. He basically packed his bags in the middle of the night and left for Washington after promising over and over again that he wanted to stay with CU for life. People there are just a little bit sore about the whole deal, even to this day. And subsequently, that coach has earned himself a couple degrading nicknames. I think that's about all the background you need. The rest I'll just leave in Jim's words:

That Woody Paige guy called Rick Neuheisel "Neuweasel," and the next sound was the voice of Jay Mariotti saying, "stop holding a grudge". I actually watched the replay of the show on ESPN2 just to make sure I heard right. It's a good thing Mariotti is such a fair and reasonable person who would never use his position and access to public media to hold a grudge against a guy like, say, Ozzie Guillen. What a fucking hypocrite.

Don't hold grudges, Woody. That's unprofessional.

Peter King: Fat, Stupid

Reading MMQB is like going to Chipotle. Every time you walk in, you hope it's going to be as good or better than Qdoba, but it never is. The point I'm trying to make is that Qdoba's steak queso burrito is outrageous, New York Magazine called it "a playful but mysterious little dish." Also Peter King probably eats 12 or 13 of those a day.

VINDICTIVE MANNY STAT OF THE WEEK

The first month on new jobs for Manny Ramirez and the man who replaced him in Boston, Jason Bay:

Manny:
AVG: .415
OBP: .508
H: 44
HR: 9
RBI: 25

Bay:
AVG: .315
OBP: .358
H: 35
HR: 4
RBI: 29

Ramirez is unconscious, as we figured he might be, trying to show the Red Sox didn't appreciate him.

Get it? Because Manny is sometimes lazy in the outfield. He makes a lot of stupid mistakes. I guess the main bullet point of my presentation would be that Manny Ramirez isn't a very good fielder.

But Bay's been superb with runners in scoring position, and 29 RBIs in August -- in any month, for that matter -- is big-time production.

Yes, RBI's, the great equalizer among all hitters. In no way are RBI's related to your teamate's ability to get on base. Take your "unconcious" .508 OBP and jam it up your ass Manny.

Later in the column:

Is Dustin Pedroia a real person? He just had a 43-hit month, with six home runs. He is 5-foot-8, maybe. He just went 4-for-4 on back-to-back nights, reaching base 10 times in 10 appearances in the two games. Terry Francona batted him cleanup twice. Ozzie Guillen pitched to David Ortiz and intentionally walked Pedroia. Ozzie Guillen said, "I just [intentionally] walked a jockey.'' This is an amazing story we're watching.

So in sum:

Over the past month, Pedroia and Manny have almost the identical number of hits, and Manny has 3 more home runs. Here's how Peter King sees it:

Manny = Asshole having flukey month
Pedroia = The most amazing story ever! I texted Pedroia to ask him how it feels to be having the greatest season ever, and he wrote back "Plz stop txting me." His focus is unbelievable!

1b. I like the reinstatement of Pacman Jones, or Adam Jones, or whatever his name is this week.

Notice PK's use of the nickname Pacman Jones...

1k. The Dayton Daily News, one of the papers covering the Bengals daily, has begun referring to Chad Johnson as Chad Ocho Cinco, from the looks of Saturday's paper. "The week leading up to the Baltimore game represents the first full week of practice time Ocho Cinco, T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Carson Palmer will have together since the 2007 season finale at Miami,'' beat man Chick Ludwig wrote Saturday, apparently with a straight face.

Are you fucking kidding me? In 1b, you refer to a player by his nickname, and then 9 bullet points later you deride a writer for referring to a player by the nickname they legally adopted. You are a fat asshole.

Let's Meet Filip.

This is Filip. Filip Bondy. (..what?) Filip has some beliefs about the New York Yankees. Sometimes, Filip thinks things that aren't true! I have been told that my job description entails shouting needlessly at screw-ups like Filip until I'm blue in the face (what's the deal with that figure of speech anyway?). So let's get started.

Betting on young arms cost Yankees the season
Starting pitchers’ injuries leave Bombers scrambling for makeshift rotations

Well this seems pretty reasonable. This is kind of what screwed up the Yankees this season. Point: Filip. Score: pnoles: 0, Filip: 1

By Filip Bondy

Oh boy. That's your actual name isn't it. That doesn't really help your cause. Score: pnoles: 1, Filip: 1

The Yankees are dead. Long live the Mets.

To which I thrust the following label into your face. "More hyperbole than you can shake a stick at." All hail the 77-61 Mets. Can you imagine how the Mets' royal subjects would address them? "Would you like a glass of wine today, Your Above-Averageness?"

By the way: The difference between the "dead" Yankees and the "long-living" Mets is 3 wins. I'm taking 2 points for this one, because those were two equally stupid sentences. Score: pnoles: 3, Filip: 1

In New York, nobody has much patience for non-playoff baseball teams — even those with 26 world championships, a 13-year postseason streak and a new, grandiose stadium on the horizon.

All of this is pretty fair and valid. Score: pnoles: 3, Filip: 2

The Yankees are mired hopelessly in third place right now in the AL East, and all that’s left is a postmortem analysis and a jolting prescription for the future, which is actually quite simple. The Yanks must remember again that they are the Yanks, and not the Oakland A’s.

The Yankees spent $209,081,579 this year. I'm pretty sure they're aware of the whole Yanks/A's inequality. Although this sounds a little ridiculous, I haven't given you a chance to dig your way out of this one, so no points are awarded here.

It is no great mystery where things went wrong this season. General manager Brian Cashman decided he wanted to be Billy Beane.

Again, this sounds insane. Brian Cashman spent $209,081,579. It is nearly impossible for him to identify with Billy Beane. But fine, you still haven't made your point yet, so no score for this. I'm getting very impatient though! What are you going to (finally) tell me?

And while it’s a nice, feel-good notion to develop your own homegrown stars through the minor-league system, the Steinbrenner Yankees never did that before when it came to starting pitchers.

I'm sorry....have you....paid attention to anything that's happened in New York in the past few years? The Yankees have finished 8th, 7th, 9th, and 6th in the AL in ERA over the past 4 seasons. Their offense has been fucking carrying them into the postseason each year. Can you really blame Cashman for taking a different angle here, especially given that he had a glut of young, seemingly MLB-ready starters? No, no you cannot. Score: pnoles: 4, Filip: 2

From Catfish Hunter to David Cone to Roger Clemens, the club’s aces were traditionally mercenaries, imported to get the job done for two or three years before retiring or moving elsewhere.

And baseball is a business that never evolves or changes. The Yankees were in a situation that is prospect-wise exactly the same as all those years in the past, competing in a market that is exactly as intelligent as the ones from decades past. Never change or adjust to the way business is currently being carried out. I, personally, invested in Krispy Kreme back in 2000, when everyone said it was going to do well long-term. And since nobody got smarter and figured out that you can basically make Krispy Kreme doughnuts in your basement, and that the company isn't anything special, the stock is still probably doing really well (I haven't checked it in the past 4 years to make sure).

What the hell was I talking about? Oh well, I deserve a point for working Krispy Kreme into the equation. He said something pretty irrelevant anyway. Score: pnoles: 5, Filip: 2.

You're falling behind, Filip! Be careful!

Cashman, however, decided to change all that because he and the Tampa cabal experienced a troubled history recently while chasing outside talent pools. In direct competition with Theo Epstein of the Red Sox, Cashman signed the wrong former Marlin (Carl Pavano vs. Josh Beckett), the wrong former Japanese star (Kei Igawa vs. Daisuke Matsuzaka) and the wrong former Arizona Diamondback (Randy Johnson vs. Curt Schilling).

This is actually fairly interesting to see side by side. Score: pnoles: 5, Filip: 3

Having been burned so many times before, Cashman went the youth route. He turned his back on Johan Santana, refusing in a proposed deal to give up the quintessential mediocre prospect, outfielder Melky Cabrera.

What are you talking about? He was offering Phil Hughes and Cabrera in a package together! And we're talking about Phil Hughes the phenom, not whatever you want to call him today. There is absolutely no way that you can claim that he simply turned his back on Johan Santana. Score: pnoles: 6, Filip: 3

Instead he dived headlong into the 2008 season with a projected starting rotation that included young arms Chien-Ming Wang, Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy and swingman Joba Chamberlain.

All four of those pitchers projected to pitch very, very well. But you're right, the Yankees should have totally signed like, Carlos Silva or something this offseason.

What followed was an unmitigated disaster, and one that should not have been wholly unexpected. You place your chips on immature arms, no matter how promising, and a raft of injuries and setbacks are bound to follow.

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Filip! My goodness! That is simply not a good thing to say! It's wrong! Very very wrong! Thing B does not directly follow from Thing A! That is not a theory! That is just a non-truth!

Who's leading the AL East? Who pitches for that team? Were Matt Garza and James Shields considered "mature arms"? John Danks and Gavin Floyd...are they having decent-ish seasons? How about Nick Blackburn and Glen Perkins? Is Tim Lincecum experiencing "a raft of injuries and setbacks?" "A raft of injuries?" Raft? WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THESE UNITS OF MEASUREMENT????

Score: pnoles: 7, Filip: 3 (I resisted the urge to give myself a billion points)

In New York, fans witnessed this sort of meltdown a dozen years ago with the Mets, when that organization figured Bill Pulsipher, Paul Wilson and Jason Isringhausen were the starting rotation of the future.

Stephen Drew is a baseball player.
Stephen Drew is a shortstop.
Therefore, all baseball players are shortstops.

I like using your logic, Filip. It makes proving things way easier!

Score: pnoles: 8, Filip: 3

One by one, these young Yankee arms and tendons met similar fates. Each one went down for at least a large chunk of the season. And while Wang and Chamberlain retain substantial promise, nobody even knows whether Hughes (9.00 ERA in six starts) or Kennedy (8.17 in 10 appearances) owns enough talent to succeed at the major-league level.

OK, sure. You aren't acknowledging how devastatingly unlucky any of this was, but Hughes and Kennedy are definitely, at the very least, question marks right now. Score: pnoles: 8, Filip: 4

This has left the Yankees in the uncomfortable position of slapping together makeshift rotations throughout the season. Even the unexpected resurrection of Mike Mussina wasn’t sufficient to offset the disastrous starting situation. As of this writing, the Yankees owned a 4.33 ERA, 16th in the majors, despite mostly solid efforts out of the bullpen.

But...but that ERA and MLB ranking is totally not out of line with anything the Yankees have been doing hiring mercenaries in the past few years! You really aren't convincing me of much here.

You can talk about the offense underachieving, and you’d be right there too.

Oh okay. I was reallly worried that you wouldn't even acknowledge this.

The Bronx Bombers were batting .273, sixth best in the majors, but their run production was ranked 13th. Alex Rodriguez had regressed into familiar non-clutch performances. Injuries to Jorge Posada and Hideki Matsui didn’t help, and this was a team with too many DHs, too few Golden Gloves.

Alex Rodriguez has been one of the best 5 hitters in the American League this year. But he's just such a fun punching bag!

Too many DHs, too few Golden Gloves......alright so if a team's defense is bad, don't you think that adversely affects how many runs the pitching staff allows? This is just taking too much away from your argument that betting on young arms was stupid. Even if you didn't say anything blatantly wrong in this paragraph, the way you worded and analyzed that entire thing has me 100% convinced that you know zero things about baseball. Score: pnoles: 9, Filip: 4

Yet those were not the reasons the Yankees have dropped so far, so fast.

WHAT??!?!??!?! You're making me fairly angry right now Filip! Here are things you have said. The offense has been mediocre, 13th in MLB. The pitching has been mediocre, 16th in MLB. Now you're telling me that only the pitching is the reason that the team has been mediocre this season? Your brain is a disaster zone. Score: pnoles: 10, Filip: 4. This is quickly turning into a blowout.

They were goners because the starters collapsed and because the Tampa Bay Rays emerged from nowhere.

By counting on young pitching, the Tampa Bay Rays emerged from nowhere to surpass the New York Yankees, who were completely and totally stupid for banking on young pitching. Score: pnoles: 11, Filip: 4

They failed because Cashman threw money at position players, but not at starters.

Because the market for purchasing starting pitching in this offseason were terrible. You could either 1) Trade for one year of Johan Santana, or 2) Sign Carlos Silva. That's. About. It. Score: pnoles: 12, Filip: 4

From here, then, there needs to be a radical change of philosophy and course. Hank Steinbrenner needs to sit down with Cashman and tell him, flat out: We are not the A’s. If you want to be general manager of a small market team, that can easily be arranged.

Wooo hoo! You tell 'em Hank! Give him hell! That's the last time you'll put any faith in some of the best pitching prospects in the game on my watch!

It’s time to chase some free-agent pitchers again, to start making deals, to fill a rotation with 30 year-olds instead of 22 year-olds. The Yankees have a new, expensive stadium to fill, demanding outrageous ticket prices. They can no longer be outbid for the Santanas and CC Sabathias of the world.

Oh yeah, because 30 year-olds are automatically better than 22 year-olds.

The Yankees’ dynasty of the late ‘90s was built around a largely homegrown cast of position players, and with talented temps on the mound. Somewhere along the way, things got reversed in the Bronx. The Yankees chased expensive sluggers, and fell in love with their starters in the farm system.

BECAUSE THE COMPOSITION OF THE FARM SYSTEM CHANGED! HOW IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD TO UNDERSTAND??

Score: pnoles: 13, Filip: 4

That romance has failed. The sooner the Yankees remember their bullying, big-market roots, the faster their recovery.

Now that ever blood vessel in my head has popped, you're finally done speaking. Wow. In re: big-market roots, I guess leading MLB in payroll wasn't enough. Just fuck off, Filip. By the way, you owe me $61,343.87 for surgeries to repair all the damage you just did to my brain.

I win. 13-4.

ESPN.com Idiot Roundup

Trolling around the WWL as I wait for a hurricane to demolish me. Here are two ESPN articles with the actual link headlines, which I did not even fake, even though you might think I faked them.

Article #1:
The final month of the regular season starts Monday, and the one big question that has loomed throughout the season remains: Will the Rays fade? John Kruk provides the definitive answer.

Things John Kruk has a definitive answer on:
1. What does it feel like to look like an idiot on television?
2. Did you really mean to admit that you quit baseball because you "wanted to spend the rest of the year "eating at the Sizzler's buffet" ?
3. Did you intentionally quit baseball abruptly because you wanted to preserve your exactly .300 batting average and exactly 100 home runs?
4. What does it feel like to have one ball?

Things John Kruk has a pretty bad answer on:
1. Will the Rays fade?

But this Rays team has had physical altercations with both teams during the course of spring training and this season, and each time it was the Rays' dugout that got onto the field first, ready to scrap.

I would like to see someone do a direct correllative study to see if there are any connection between fights and wins. It would be awesome if this were true, but it sure doesn't sound like it has any real evidence to support it. If it were true, I would immediately advocate the Reds trading for A.J. Pierzynski and Kyle Farnsworth.

That may not sound like a big thing, but it is, because if a team is scared to be on that field

How often does this happen in the Major Leagues? What are they scared of?

or doesn't think it deserves to be on the field with the opposing team, then you'll see some hesitation.

I wonder what this hesitation looks like. Kruk claims we can see it.

There has been no hesitation from the Rays at any point during this season.

Well, if there had been any hesitation, we sure haven't seen it from those scrappy Rays!

To be fair, Kruk did mention the Rays' rotation as a reason for their impressive season; however, I find it stupid that me mentios the rotation only in passing and focuses instead on their "lack of visible hesitation".

Article #2:
Mr. October? D-backs acquire Eckstein from Jays

I did not make that heading up.

NEW YORK -- David Eckstein as been traded from the Toronto Blue Jays to the Arizona Diamonbacks, giving the NL West leaders a late-season spark plug with impressive October credentials.

In one hundred and seventy-six postseason at-bats, David Eckstein has forty-three singles and six extra-base hits. He just happened to cluster exactly half of those xbh into one game, earning him a bullshit WSMVP and ridiculous adulation years later.