Do They Think, or Do Words Just Fall Out of Their Mouths?

Nets/Bulls, first quarter, Tom Dore.

These New Jersey Nets get their hands on a lot of balls.

This is Perhaps the Most Pathetic, Pitiful, Snivelling Piece of Shit Article I've Ever Read

If you've read this blog at all, the decision Mike Lupica made in titling his article (or perhaps that his editor made) should give you some idea what's got CW so riled up:

"Bid farewell to A-Rod, the gold-plated phony."

Are you fucking serious?

Ok. Deep breath:

Alex Rodriguez and his agent, Scott Boras, have become the kind of phonies that aspiring phonies now study in sports, somewhat the way scientists study lab rats.

A fairly...well...innocuous first paragraph, in that nothing here hasn't been said a million times. There's no egregious oversteps of logic, and, well, frankly, Boras is a piece of shit. But just curious: who's writing this article, Holden Caulfield? "Phonies"? Already, this is obviously a column chockfull of childish name-calling. I can't help but think of Mike Lupica as that dude on the Family Guy who keeps calling Peter a "great big phony."

Here was Boras the other night, getting his client A-Rod into the World Series the only way he can, having him opt out of his Yankees contract on the night the Boston Red Sox were about to sweep the Colorado Rockies.

This has been beaten to death of course, not the least of which in this blog...obviously, Boras understood the timing of his announcment, but it's not anyone's fault but the media that it "upstaged" the world series...anyway Lupica uses this piddling idea to set up what he obviously thinks is a grand wag of the Wildean tradition:

In so doing, Boras unwittingly gave us a fitting epitaph to A-Rod's Yankee career:

He upstaged more World Series games than he actually played in.

Ba-Fucking Zing. Consider A-Rod posterized! That damned fool couldn't even take a marginally talented team and, with the help of his 13 extra Wins Against Replacement, take them singlehandedly (embarrassingly pathetic starting pitching and all) to a world championship. For shame! What a phony! This guy's a great big phony!

Remember when Babe fucking Ruth singlehandedly won a bunch of World Serieses? He had mediocre starting pitching right? And it's not like he had a hall-of-famer hitting behind him. How many hall-of-famers were hitting behind A-Rod this year, when he still managed to put up monster numbers? How many hall-of-fame pitchers did he have in a rotation he managed to single-handedly carry to the playoffs?

The answer to the first question is zero (unless you count Posada...which you don't) and the answer to the second question is also zero.

Nevertheless, Lupica is right, in the most literal sense--A-Rod did not win a WS in NY. This is misleading criticism, but at least accurate criticism. He really gets off the rails as this column goes on:

It was the late George Young, general manager of the football Giants, who once said to me, "When they say it's not about the money, it's always about the money."

It is always about the money with A-Rod. He just won't ever say that, even if you threaten him with one of his own baseball bats.

First of all:

What the fuck?

Second of all:

No seriously what the fuck?

What does this have to do with anything? Of course A-Rod's concerned with money. He signed the richest contract in baseball history. But how is A-Rod's pursuit of free agency riches different from anyone not named Jermaine Dye (who turned down higher paying gigs than the White Sox in 2004's offseason since he had given Kenny Williams his word. Class act, Jermaine Dye, but beside the point)? And how can we overlook the fact that A-Rod requested permission from the Player's Association to restructure his deal when the A-Rod to Boston trade was pending in order to help Boston and Texas meet salary needs? Though the request was denied, the fact remains that A-Rod was willing to take less money to go play for a winner. Therefore this asinine claim that "it's always all about the money with A-Rod" is unequivocally false. Seriously. It is completely a lie by a piece of shit sports journalist.

Oh wait! There's more bullshit from Lupica

So he tries to make it about his teammates, some of whose names he actually knows. So here was Boras, who never seems to run out of saliva - or angles - talking about Mo Rivera and Jorge Posada and Andy Pettitte instead of the $300 million he thinks he can get for A-Rod someplace else.

"Alex's decision was one based on not knowing what his closer, his catcher and one of his statured starting pitchers was going to do," Boras said in one interview he gave Sunday night while Game 4 of the Series was still going on.

Sure this might be a little bullshit on A-Rod and Boras's part, but it's clear that A-Rod is interested in winning championships. The Yankees are going to be absolutely for shit next year and the fact of the matter is the increase in pay A-Rod's looking at over what the Yankees offered is going to be piddling when compared to the money he's already amassed through salary and endorsements.

Are we really supposed to be fed the line that A-Rod values an extra 30 million out of over 600 million he stands to earn in his career over everything else--atmosphere, teammates (i.e. not that piece of shit Jeter who refused to help his team by letting a far superior ss play his natural position? the same piece of shit Jeter who threw his struggling teammate under the bus in 2006? the same piece of shit Jeter who shits gold and lets A-Rod eat shit at every opportunity?), and winning?

I don't buy it. Frankly, this whole situation reminds me of the excellent movie 61* (go see it, stat) and the dynamic between Maris and the Yankees fans, media, and team. If Maris played in the free agent era, don't you suppose he'd have loved to get the fuck out of that piece of shit journalism haven and den of classless baseball fans and go play for an equally contending team in some less dystopian environ?

I do. And I think that's exactly what A-Rod's doing. Why on earth would he play in NY

1.) They're going to be no good next year without A-Rod. With him, they're going to be a Wild Card team at best.

2.) They have no pitching

3.) Jeter's a piece of shit who A-Rod doesn't get along with

4.) The Media is completely unethical, uninformed, and out to get A-Rod for his every misstep

5.) The fans have booed him frequently

6.) Even after singlehandedly taking the Yankees to the playoffs this year, he got very little appreciation for it from the media, who preferred to focus on two hitless playoff games.

The rest of the article is in the same vein, and therefore isn't really worth discussing...blah blah blah A-Rod's selfish, blah blah blah Boras wants money. But here's a few choice quotes:

So he tries to make it about his teammates, some of whose names he actually knows.

I have even heard some broadcasters suggest that Joe Torre leaving the Yankees might also have been a reason why A-Rod wanted to leave. Every time I did, I had the same reaction: That anybody thinking Rodriguez had loyalty to any manager - especially one who batted him eighth in a playoff game against the Detroit Tigers last year - must be drunk

You can go up and down the Red Sox batting order, pick any name, and find somebody who did more for his team than A-Rod did for the Yankees in the last three Octobers he played for them.

He was a gold-plated phony coming in the door and he is the same leaving.

He's even got a graphic chronologizing A-Rod's blunders and ignoring A-Rod's positive contributions.

What a sad, pathetic little man Mike Lupica most obviously is.

How Do You Write a Really Bad NFL "Week In Review" Column?

If you're CBSSportsline's Clark Judge, you approach this challenge by simply copying Peter King's "10 Things I Know" format. And somehow, through pure determination and perseverance, you manage to do an even worse job than King himself.

1. If the NFL can move the regular season to London, it can move the Super Bowl to November. And it just did. Because that's what next Sunday's Patriots-Colts game is.

Awful, awful segue.

Forget about the NFC. It doesn't matter, and New England and Indianapolis just reminded us. They just torched two of the conference's top clubs by a combined score of 83-14. Uh-huh, the Colts and Pats are that much better than everyone.

This week the Panthers and Redskins got their balls handed to them by the Colts and Patriots. True. Unfortunately for Clark, neither the Panthers or Redskins are among the 3 best teams in the NFC. (Cowboys, Giants, Packers, not necessarily in that order.) Sure, Indy and New England look leaps and bounds ahead of everyone else. But beating up on maybe the 4th and 5th best (with Seattle in the mix) teams in the NFC doesn't prove that the Super Bowl will be a joke. NE's win over Dallas two weeks ago is more telling, but that game was closer than the final score indicates. Let's not go writing off the biggest sports television event of the year more than 3 months before it happens just yet.

(Besides, everyone knows you only watch it for the commercials anyways! Those commercials are so clever. I love it when animals act like peoples.)

2. So the Patriots leave Tom Brady in the fourth period to throw another touchdown pass, this time making it 45-0 with nine minutes to go. Great. My only question is: Why didn't they try an onside kick afterward?

Incorrect- the dumb joke we were looking for was, "Why didn't they go for two?"

4. That, folks, is not how you create interest in the NFL overseas. (That's all Miller includes for this item)

Want to elaborate on that? No? Do you mean because the game involved one of the worst teams in the league? Because it was played in a torrential downpour? Were either of these factors, which amount to 95% of the reason the game was boring, under the control of the league office? Don't get me wrong, I'm not defending the idea of trying to force football (no, real football... not dumb footvaginasoccer) on European people. It's a bad idea. I really don't think they care. NFL Europe folded for a reason. Still, this particular game mostly sucked because the Dolphins sucked and the weather sucked. If the Jacksonville/Tampa Bay thriller had been played in Londonville instead of the pissbucket of an excuse that was New York/Miami, Scott's campy little one liner wouldn't work nearly as well.

6. This is why passer ratings are overrated: The Tennessee Titans' Vince Young ranks among the league's bottom feeders when it comes to quarterback numbers. Except this one: Wins. All Young has done is win 10 of his past 13 starts. I keep saying it, and I'll say it again: Not a great quarterback; a great leader.

Where to begin, where to begin... shall we start with the fact that Tennessee's defense is 5th in the league in yards per game allowed? That they're 7th in points per game allowed? What about the possibly significant fact that they're 3rd in takeaways? No, I'm sure none of that has anything to do with their 5-2 record in 2007. How about we break down their offensive production instead: They're 3rd in rushing yards per game (only a small portion of which is due to VY... his rushing is way down compared to last year). But what's that? They're 29th in passing yard per game? Young has 3 TDs and 6 picks? And averages less than 6 yards per attempt? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. This is all about correlation, not causation. The Titans have won a lot of games recently; Vince Young is their QB; therefore, Vince Young is a great leader. Makes sense to me! Screw you, Titans defense and RBs. You're a bunch of tiny-dicked pansies.

To explain Clark's reasoning in baseball terminology: Vince Young = David Eckstein. Carson Palmer = Alex Rodriguez. Which one would you rather have on your team- the guy who just flat out wins, or the selfish guy who only cares about regular season stats? I thought so.

7. New England's Mike Vrabel scores a touchdown, has three sacks and forces three fumbles. Any chance he can be the AFC Offensive and Defensive Player of the Week?

With a whole whopping 1 catch for 1 yard, he's going to have a hard time pulling down the first of those awards.

9. There is nobody worse than St. Louis, and I'm not talking about the Rams' winless record. I'm talking about their record of guarantees. The way I see it, Randy McMichael, Steven Jackson and Isaac Bruce are forbidden from dressing as Nostradamus on Halloween. Oh, and remind me not to consult them for predictions on Indy-New England.

Buh-ZING! Facial on you, St. Louis players who have been trying to fire up your teammates by predicting wins. I also really like the "There's nobody worse than (subject)... and I'm not talking about (what you expected me to be talking about)!" style of joke. Truly the work of a master comedic craftsman. I think the last time I saw one of those pulled off well, it was in a Jackie Harvey column. And he did it completely by accident.

11. No, I don't think the Eagles will press Dallas or the Giants in the NFC East, but this is why I would be careful before burying them: There is no one better at overcoming adversity. They won two division titles without Donovan McNabb. They won the NFC Championship Game without Terrell Owens. They were 5-6 a year ago and went on to win the division.

"I am burying the Eagles. However, I hesitated briefly before doing so because of things that happened in the past with different players on the roster and under different circumstances." Nice job by Judge hedging his bets here- if the Eagles fade and finish 4-12, he told you so. On the other hand, if they suddenly catch fire and finish 10-6, he told you so.

12. Al Davis, move over. If New England wins another Super Bowl, the Dolphins' Randy Mueller can be measured for a ring, too. He's the genius who traded Wes Welker to New England. It's bad enough to deal him within the division, but to deal him to the division champ? I would like an explanation.

Welker in 2006: 67 catches for 687 yards, 1 TD
Welker so far in 2007: 56 catches, 613 yards, 6 TDs

Hmmmm... I wonder what's responsible for those numbers getting bumped up so much? Could it be that there are massive talent and coaching discrepancies between the 2006 Dolphins and 2007 Patriots? No, that's a silly dumb fart of a thought. I'm sure Welker would have those exact same numbers were he still in Miami, running routes for Cleo Lemon.

Side discussion: If Tom Brady and Derek Jeter had a baby, hot would he/she be? How clutch? Which one of the two of them would actually carry the baby during pregnancy? Discuss in the comments.

15. From the You Had to Be There Department: The Chargers had 21 first-half plays and 35 points. What's more, they led 28-3 after 20 minutes after running off 11 plays and holding the ball 5:35. Yes, you can start taking these guys seriously again.

I have no idea why this is from the You Had to Be There Department. I read about the game, looked at the box score, and got a very good understanding of how great San Diego played. Furthermore, with wins over the Bears, Broncos, Raiders, and Texans (combined record: 11-19) and losses to New England, Green Bay, and Kansas City (who stack up at 17-4), I don't think it's time to climb back on the Charger bandwagon just yet. Let's see how they deal with Indy and Jacksonville before we start dry humping them.

Well that's about it for this week, but Clark's little column here has the potential to be a regular feature here on FireJay. Gregg Easterbrook's ego is so crushed from the abuse I've been giving him all season that he didn't even publish a TMQ this week! (So far.) That's why I'm excited Judge is stepping up to the plate for me. I mean... I've got to bitch about someone's bad NFL analysis, don't I?

Michael Wilbon, Please Don't Make Me

A mini-PTI during Monday Night Football. I really like Michael Wilbon. I think he's smarter than most people who work for ESPN. He's smart and has good reasons for thinking the things he does. Tonight, the question was pitched to him: "Are the Yankees better off without A-Rod?"

(quote not exact, but close)

Absolutely. It's simple, you just look back at what happened before he got there! The Yankees won 4 championships just before he arrived, and have won zero since. What does that tell you?

It tells me, Mike, that baseball is a game where you not only need good hitting to win a World Series, but also good pitching. A-Rod can't supernaturally transplant his greatness into Mike Mussina's body, Mike Mussina needs to learn how to get hitters out himself. It also tells me that the MLB playoffs unfold in such random ways that the best team probably doesn't even win it all 50% of the time.

It does not tell me that A-Rod is some sort of Yankee poison that causes them to double over and barf awful performances all over the baseball diamond when the month of October strikes.

The correct answer to the general form of that question: "Is any team better off without the best fucking baseball player in the world?" is "no".

Swiiiiiiiiing And A Miss

Tony Kornheiser and Ron Jaworski are describing Jay Cutler's passes on Monday Night Football as "lasers." Why is that a bad thing? Because they're saying "laser" like Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers movies. Repeatedly. Hey guys, we know you're trying to sound young and hip... but you're at least six or seven years late on that one.

Fall Class oh no Wait

There's no bigger stage in the baseball world than the World Series, and we saw a couple of really good games this year. Yes, this truly is a great ga... oh wait, there's a rumbling out of New York City... Joe Torre ripped his pants? No, wait, ARod opted out of his contract. Let's talk about it during the World Series! I link to SI.com because they were credited for breaking the story, which had it's coattails grabbed onto by FOX and ESPN.

Yes, it's a classless act by Scott Boras. What do you expect?

Easy solution for FOX and ESPN: Launch into your gigantic spiral of New York City coverage AFTER the game is over. In 2004, I would have loved to have been in that bar after my team lost to see some other news than Jimmy Fallon celebrating in my ballpark. Any distraction would have been welcome. Boston fans were out rioting last night anyways, so the rest of the country- - the 80% of America that despises New England - - could have waited to see what Scott Boras leaked after the game, the celebration, the presentation of corporate prizes, the interivews, and Jeanine Zelasko's 20 pounds of make up. You can blame ARod and Boras all you want, but some of the blame needs to be put on FOX and ESPN. SI.com broke the story online, and then ESPN and FOX talked about it. The channels lost the ability to claim they broke the story, so they should have waited until after the Rockies and Red Sox were done playing. But instead, I had to endure Joe Buck (who I like... it's a St. Louis thing) speculating where ARod won't be appreciated next year.

Really, I can only shake my head when I read what Buster Olney wrote:

The way this played out could not have been more apropos, because A-Rod needs to be bigger than the game; he needs to be more important than the Red Sox or the Rockies or any other team, or any other player. He is one of the greatest players in history at compiling statistics, the greatest ever at compiling wealth, and his next employer will have to buy into that. The World Series can't matter as much as A-Rod.

I know it wasn't Buster who was on TV talking about it, but give me a break. Who made this story bigger than the World Series? ARod, or those who talked about it during the game? "Reporting" this during the game's grandest spectacle isn't about journalism, so why bring it up?

[note: I came in late during the game when it was brought up, as I had to ask my parents to pick up more Doritos at the store. It seemed to me that FOX tried to legitimize the discussion of the story by having Ken Rosenthal and Joe Buck talk about it. I would have mentioned this, but I wasn't watching when it was initially mentioned on FOX and I would hate to have anonymous commenters flame away for incorrect information on this humble blog.]

A Quick Post That's Not Based On Me Being a Crybaby

Despite what it says below, I'm not so torn up inside that I can't point out how ridiculous FOX's "Keys to the Game" were tonight. (As read by Tim "The Voice of Reason" McCarver)

Red Sox:
Try to wrap up lopsided series

Rockies:
Desperate times; just try to win tonight

Soooooo... the key for the Red Sox was to try to win. Whereas the Rockies were trying to win. I guess that explains the outcome!

On that note here's my "Keys to the Game" for the 2008 presidential election:

Republicans:
Try to hold on to office

Democrats:
Try to get more electoral votes than other guys

So That's It, Huh

Another sadly short World Series. In the last 4 seasons, the team that has lost the World Series has claimed a mere one game.

And of course, the Red Sox just had to win. I suppose every cloud has a silver lining, though. This is going to elicit a wonderful volley of awful east-coast malarkey for me to read.

One thing from the broadcast today made me smile. A Rockies player, Spilborghs I want to say, slapped a soft, traditional 3-hopper to Julio Lugo, who casually moved a bit to his left and made the routine play that the majority of MLB shortstops will make 100 out of 100 times.

Joe Buck: "Tough play for Lugo"

Excuse Me While I Make Like Rick Reilly

Boy, is my face red right about now. Earlier tonight, I sat down to lampoon this terrible piece of sportswriting I found, but something was wrong. I just couldn't go through with it. Why not? See, as most of our regular readers and those casual readers with a discerning eye may have been able to tell from some past posts we've written, myself and eriz are big Rockies fans. And of course, earlier in the evening I got to watch them play like a bag of ass on baseball's biggest stage. Again. Great, way to show up for the Series, guys. Nicely done. Anyways, I promised myself I wouldn't let my feelings about the end of my team's season affect my ability to blog. I mean, how hard could that be? Bad sportswriting is bad sportswriting, and it needs to be shat on regardless of what's going on in my little world. It's pretty simple. But try as I might, I just couldn't put anything together. Turned out to be a lot more difficult than I thought it would be.

And that's when I realized, Rick Reilly has been right all along- sports are just beautiful, aren't they? I mean, this is going to end up being incredibly lame, indulge me. Let's break down the situation and try to figure out whether or not this makes sense. For starters, I'm 23. I'm probably a liiiiiiiiiiittle too old to get all bummed out over my favorite baseball team losing in the World Series. I also have a lot going on in my life; a wide variety of responsibilities and deadlines and obligations keep my mind occupied pretty much anytime I'm awake. Living in your parents' basement is tougher than you think. Pop Tarts don't grow on trees; I have to go grab a fresh box from the pantry upstairs every couple of days. Furthermore, when it comes to sports, I have at least five other teams in both the college and professional ranks that I follow just as closely as the Rockies. It's not like all my eggs are in one basket. And finally, prior to this season, the Rockies had won a grand total of one playoff game in 14 years of existence. This year they won seven times that, plus their first pennant. Shouldn't that be enough for me to consider the season a flying success regardless of the WS outcome?

Well, enough of all that self-analytical nonsense. The bottom line is, why did tonight's shitbomb of the game (and the three awful shitbombs of games that preceded it) prevent me from doing the one thing I actually enjoy in life? In the end, I think it's probably because sports are so goddamn beautiful. No matter how old you are, what else is going on in your life, how many other teams you follow, or how great a season was- unless they win it all, the day your team has to close up shop and wait for next year can really throw you off your game. But I'm not worried about it. Tomorrow I'll be back. Until then, you're just going to have to make fun of Dayn Perry and Gene Wojceichowski on your own.

(If any of our twelve readers are big Red Sox fans and want to leave an insulting comment because I crap on Boston all the time, let me remind them of three things:

1. Chris W (White Sox), pnoles (White Sox), dan-bob (Reds), and jarrett (Cardinals) don't give a shit about the Rockies. So you can leave them out of it.

2. This whole post is really just sour grapes by me. That should be pretty obvious. Take it for what it is. I mean, I don't really like your team... but meh.

3. A whiny fuckbag of a journalist who regularly references "The Hills" in his columns and is in a fued with DANE COOK of all people speaks for your whole fanbase. I know, it sucks. Deal with it.)

His First Name Ends in "y". His Last Name Ends in "otti"

Who are we writing about?

Tony Massarotti

Hey Rockies, who’s the hot team now?

Hear that, Garrett Atkins? Tony Massarotti is talking shit to your team!

BOSTON - Maybe we all had it wrong. Maybe the Red Sox are the team on the roll.

For some reason, the stupid momentum topic was the focus of tons of debate prior to the series (it would be a sin for ESPN analysts to try to analyze the Rockies). After much useless debate, most people decided the Red Sox had the "momentum". So I don't see who "we" is when you say "we all had it wrong".

For all of the talk about the miraculous run of the Colorado Rockies, after all, Game 1 of the World Series was nothing short of a bloodbath on the hallowed ground of fabled Fenway Park. The final score was Boston 13, Colorado, 1, which might be entirely meaningless were it not for one small fact.

What fact, pray tell? What is the grand saviour of the meaning of the score of the first game of the World Series?

Since the sixth inning of Game 4 of the American League Championship Series — the Cleveland Indians led by a 7-0 score at the time en route to a 3-1 series edge — the Red Sox have responded by outscoring their opponents by the preposterous total of 46-6.

Ah. If it weren't for beating the Indians in the ALCS by HUGE margins, winning Game 1 of the World Series would be meaningless. Good point.

In New England at this time of year, those kinds of numbers typically are generated only on Sundays.

Wha...Sundays? New England? High scores? I couldn't possibly fathom what you're getting at!

By the Patriots.

THANKS DUDE! I WAS SO CONFUSED!

“It gives us a lot of confidence,” Red Sox shortstop Julio Lugo said following Boston's resounding victory. “We know we can hit anybody. Some days you're not going to hit, but we know we can hit anybody.”

Given Lugo's recent history, that is quite a statement. Prior to going 3-for-4 in Game 1, Lugo batted .237 during the regular season and was hitting just .229 in the postseason, which made him one of the few sure outs in Boston's lineup.

Getting on base 29.4% of the time = sure out. I like what Massarotti has done here, likening a Major League hitter to that guy who bats last on your Little League team who strikes out every time, then cries about it afterwards. (I always think...."dude, shouldn't you be used to it by now?")

Can you imagine how confident David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez must feel at the moment?

Can you imagine just how little a sentence can fit into a column? You write 2 paragraphs about Julio Lugo sucking, then randomly you write this, and then transitionless, go into talking about Jeff Francis! This sentence is a desert island, my friend. You sorely need an editor.

A 17-game winner in the National league this season, Colorado starter Jeff Francis today must feel like a college freshman.

Better comparisons can be drawn. Something like "Jeff Francis today must feel like Casey Fossum". When I see "college freshman", images of being bad at pitching or being defeated don't exactly just jump into my head.

The possessor of a 2-0 record and 2.13 ERA in two postseason outings before Game 1, Francis learned what so many others have been preaching for the better part of the last several years. Pitching in the American League is an entirely different animal

Jeff Francis, 2007 regular season, vs AL: 26.1 IP, 2.07 ERA, 1.15 WHIP.

Two of the teams he faced were the Red Sox and Yankees.

The Red Sox didn't score against him.

My only logical conclusion is that Jeff Francis lacks some NL-borne illness that prevents him from getting American League hitters out.

which is why aging pitching icons like Pedro Martinez go out to pasture in the National League.

This has nothing to do with why Pedro Martinez is in the National League.

The Red Sox, naturally, are not your average AL lineup, finishing third in the league in runs scored this season.

Granted, important, true. How can you make the rest of this paragraph as irrelevant and pointless as possible?

Still, Boston's lineup scored nearly 100 fewer runs than it did in, say, 2003, when the Red Sox reached Game 7 of the ALCS. In 2004, when the Sox went 45-15 in their final 60 games to win their first World Series since World War I, they also made this current club look like, well, the Arizona Diamondbacks.

Oh. Like that. Talking about the high-scoringness of past Red Sox teams.

Poor Jeff Francis.

Wonderful transition.

He must have felt as if Dorothy were looking down at him and declaring, “We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.”

What if, in the movie, Toto decided to look back up at Dorothy and say, "Bitch, I been here before. I tossed 5 innings of shutout ball here a few months back!"

What's also funny about that game was that Josh Beckett was the one thumped in the 7-1 Rockies win.

Now, with their karma sufficiently stifled, the Rockies enter Game 2 entrusting rookie Ubaldo Jimenez with the responsibility of shutting down a Red Sox team that clearly has more than just David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez. And so the question now isn't whether the Red Sox can derail the Rockies, but whether the Rockies can derail the Red Sox.

“I mean, I know it has to come, so just let it come,” Jimenez before Game 1. I'm not worried about it. I'm just going to go out there and just face everybody like it's the same, just throw strikes and go after them.”

Think he's aware that they'll be coming after him?

Nope. Someone inform Ubaldo that the Red Sox will be carrying bats to the plate as a countermeasure to his pitchings.