Revisiting the Holliday Slide...

The three most covered stories over the past few weeks regarding the Colorado Rockies have been

1) Their amazing run (as it stands 19 of 20 wins)
2) A "controversial" interference call on BJ Upton sliding into second base
3) Matt Holliday's slide into home plate against the Padres

The major media outlets have let the latter two go away for the most part, and are now focusing on the playoff games yet to be played.

Last time I covered this, I made the unfortunate mistake of calling Rich Campbell over at MVN a "faggot," and failed to properly address his ridiculous argument that McClellan purposely blew the call. In retrospect, I should have stuck with my other favorite juvenile insults, including but not limited to, Douchebag, Loser, Asshole, and Pussy.

I thought this whole debacle was behind us, but according to Rich Campbell, "Holliday Controversy Proving to Have Legs." Oh really, Rich? That's funny, because I haven't seen a single news story on the matter in well over a week.

As we approach mid-October, I would expect the feelings to have calmed over the single blown call that punched the final ticket to the post-season for the Colorado Rockies. And what is oddest about it is who seems to be the most passionate about it.

Who? Tony Kornheiser?

Padre fans continue to be very matter of fact about it. If anything, I am one of the most virulent complainers, at least in print.

Maybe because most Padres fans realize that it was a very close call, mostly negated by another blown call on a Garret Atkins Home Run, and that the real, primary reason the Padres lost is because Trevor Hoffman blew the save in the first place.

For the most part, there is a fatalism on the part of the Friar Faithful. It says, "This wasn't our year." And there is plenty of evidence to support that. Suspensions. Injuries. David Wells having the size of his posterior referenced by an umpire months before a different umpire deliberately provoked the Padres most volatile personality. And then Boomer gets the seven game punishment.

Yep it's part of baseball. Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda, etc. What happens, on the Rockies' side, if Cook/Taveras/Hirsch doesn't go down with a season ending injury?

Padre fans almost seem to be taking a perverse pride in it. Now we have our moment; our Bartman, our Bucky Dent, our Pine Tar Incident. This totally tops "Strike Four" in 1998. And if the Rockies win the World Series, we can look at our pitching and the probability that we would have had Mike Cameron back and we can say we would have won it too. Which is, of course, ridiculous. Baseball is anything but predictable that way.

Now you're making sense.

No, we will cherish this moment in our perversity and reference it the way we point out our proclivity for running into teams like the 1998 Yankees or, in football, the 1994 San Francisco 49ers. Whenever a San Diego team gets to the ultimate showdown, they always seem to face an all-time great team.

I was reminded of this by the very interesting work done over at www.hollidaynevertouchedtheplate.com

So, now, after an extended prologue, we get to the reason Campbell made this post. I feel decieved, after the tagline "Holliday Controversy Proving to Have Legs." I thought there was going to be some big blogosphere/print media push to recognize the bad call. Instead it's just some guy with $15 and free blogging software who registered a domain to prove... something? I guess if someone had registered the domains http://www.garrettatkinswasrobbedofahomerun.com/ or http://www.uptonwasjustslidingtothebagandwasnottryingtoelbowkazmatsui.com/ would that mean there is some "leg" to their respective arguments? No.

What I noticed the most, and what I really find fascinating, is how incredibly adamant and myopic the comments from Rockies fans are. They rant, they rave, they take offense… they talk about rules that have never been applied to catchers as though they are self-evident and obvious… They invent game-winning hits by Brad Hawpe. By the way, Bud Black has already said he would have ordered Hawpe walked. And the Rockies had completely exhausted their decent bullpen personnel. No, the odds are far greater that the game would have gone more innings. But that is all speculation now.

No, the problem here is the opposite assumption made by you. That if Holliday had been called out at the plate, the Padres would have won. That McClellan purposely made the wrong call.

To the Rockie fans. To the people who feel the need to make observations about my possible education, my sexual orientation, my propensity for tear-filled evenings, my drinking habits, my fitness to be employed or my understanding of the rules. To the ones with the vocabulary consisting primarily of words that have to edited in order to prevent having an "Adults Only" portal over this page. I direct you to the works of one William Shakespeare. Some of you might have heard of him (although if I were to judge by the tone, grammatical content and lack of imaginative language in many of your comments, it's not that many of you.)

Yep that's me. Just me. Don't start this being about "Rockies Fans." It was me and a handful of others who threw juvenile insults at you. Just like not all Padres fans are taking a "perverse pride" in the play. Just like how only a few people are still beating this dead "holliday still hasn't touched the plate LOL" horse to death. (I'm guilty of said horse beating too, I suppose) What if, instead of me calling you a "faggot," I had just called you a douchbag? Would you say "those dastardly Rockies fans... Making observations about me being shoved up a menstrating womans' crotch to prevent yeast infections and promote overall cleanliness?" I called you a faggot much like one uses other juvenile insults. After you made a big stink about a word that, as far as insults go, is just another word, I made up some other stuff about you being gay in jest of your exasperated offense to said word.

Rich, you or that ridiculous site still haven't addressed a few things:

That McClellan purposly blew the call. Actually that's just you, because the owner of http://www.hollidaynevertouchedtheplate.com/ believes it wasn't a malicious call. Until we get the camera angle from McClellan's facemask (hint, there isn't one) we'll never know what he saw.

That it is %100 certain Holliday didn't touch the plate. That site has "definitive proof" that Holliday never touched the plate, but if you look at all the replays he has complied, I looks very possible that Holliday might have touched the tip of the plate. For the record, I'm pretty sure Holliday didn't actually touch the plate either.

That video replay would have changed the outcome of the play. This is the most laughable part of the argument, and I'm going to completely ignore the implications replay would have had on the Atkins HR. Even if video replay was in place, McClellan would have made a call after the play came to its climax. Think of it like replay in the NFL: McClellan's "safe" call is like the whistle. After that call, no tag on Holliday could have been valid, because the play is now complete or "dead" in football terms. Since Barrett didn't ever have possession of the ball before the safe call, video replay could, in no way, overturn the call.

In conclusion, Rich is still mostly wrong about the outcome of the game. I made some bad jokes, and a terrible argument against Rich in my previous post. For that I apologize.

And for the record, Rich, I read a bunch of posts on your Blog, and it's a pretty decent one. Pretty good analysis and perspective.

I completely agree with you about fans trying to justify McClellan's call as interference. Barrett obviously had rights to the basepath since he was in the process of fielding the ball. McClellan simply believed that Holliday touched the tip of the plate. And why wouldn't he? His view of the play was blocked by Barrett's back, and Barrett's foot yielded as Holliday slid home. It was a tough call.

A Little Weekend Housecleaning

I have a bunch of small things I want to go over, so why not throw them all into one post?

First- Check out our newest link, eTrueSports. As the description in the sidebar reads, it's a whole lot like Sports Pickle or The Onion's sports section. Very well done, and good for a light hearted laugh for whenever you don't want to read our overanalytical diatribes here at FireJay.

Second- Almost two weeks after it was originally published, this Gregg Easterbrook explanation for New England's dominance this season still infuriates me:

What is [Patriots offensive line coach Dante] Scarnecchia's secret? It's so, so simple, yet few NFL teams understand it: New England offensive linemen never stand doing nothing, watching the play. On a shocking number of NFL plays, there is at least one gentleman simply standing there doing nothing at all, and often that gentleman is an offensive lineman. New England's offensive linemen never stand around doing nothing. More than anything else, never standing around doing nothing is what separates the Patriots from the rest of the league, and this approach pays the most dividends on the offensive line.

So I decided to take the challenge I levied in my response to that column, and watch a bunch of football while paying specific attention to the offensive line in order to see how often any of them "[stood] there doing nothing at all." Since last weekend, I dutifully sat on my couch and absorbed between 15 and 20 hours of football. My repertoire included all or part of the following games (plus countless highlights from other games not televised where I live):

NCAA-
Florida St. at Wake Forest
Navy at Pitt
Hawaii at San Jose St.
Boston College at Notre Dame
LSU at Kentucky
Oregon St. at Cal
Colorado at Kansas St.
Missouri at Oklahoma

NFL-
Tennessee at Tampa Bay
Washington at Green Bay
Oakland at San Diego
New England at Dallas

Are you ready for my stunning results? If for some reason you're standing while reading this, sit down. I saw offensive linemen standing around doing nothing during exactly sixteen plays in hours upon hours of coverage. Only three of these sixteen happened during my viewing of NFL action (two by the Raiders, one by Green Bay). So... yeah, unless my definition of standing around doing nothing differs drastically from Gregg's... I was right. He's full of shit.

Third- In an attempt to answer my own question from the title of Thursday's post, I emailed ESPN to ask why Bill Simmons is the only Page 2 writer whose columns don't have ESPN's "Conversation" commenting feature. I'll let you know if I hear back from them. Don't hold your breath.

Fourth, and finally- I'm watching the pregame show for game 3 of the NLCS. Now I definitely don't mind Charles Barkley at all. In fact, I kind of enjoy his zany, disjointed approach to sports analysis. But I really have to ask: why, oh why, is he talking about baseball? It's kind of like some TBS exec said "Well, everyone likes Barkley. The NBA doesn't start for a few weeks. Hell, give him a plane ticket to Denver." I guess it could be worse; he could be Tim McCarver.

Thanks for stopping by and feel free to come back a few times this week. We'll be adding a new writer who likes and will probably write about hockey! (If you're into that kind of thing.)

This One's For You, Larry

Write your very own Sports Guy Column!

Cub Writers Are Ignorant, Just Like Their Fans

Well, ol' Dusty Baker comes down from the booth to manage the Reds. This could be interesting. I don't think Dusty's a good manager, but I think he's probably the best the Reds have had since Davey Johnson or Jack McKeon, and certainly a better candidate than most of the ones out there at this point in time.

But witness this, by Chris Deluca of the Chicago Sun-Times.

Baker Back in Game

BOSTON -- Dusty Baker's biggest fear was becoming the next Cito Gaston or Davey Johnson -- a superstar manager who got canned, never to return.

Let's play "one of these things is not like the other":

Which one has no World Series titles?

Which one has the most fourth-or-lower finishes?

Which one is only a "superstar manager" in the minds of inane Cub fans?

But after a year away from the dugout -- after he was dismissed by the Cubs -- Baker made his return Saturday night, agreeing to a three-year deal to manage the Cincinnati Reds, a deal expected to be formally announced today.

It's a hire that promises to spice things up in the National League Central, where the Cubs are the reigning champions.

Not unless the Reds get two more starters, re-sign Adam Dunn, and have a bullpen that can get batters out, it sure won't.

The manager with a West Coast tilt has landed right back in the Midwest. And Baker is tentatively scheduled to make his Wrigley Field return to start the Cubs' second homestand of 2008, on April 15.

Yay! You're setting up a column to write next April. For you non-media people, this is called a "teaser".

When Baker signed on last October to become an analyst for ESPN, he made a point of stressing to the Sun-Times that this was a ''nice, temporary gig.''

I caught up with Baker at the 2006 World Series in Detroit, and he was already thinking ahead to his next managerial job -- wherever that might be. He lobbied hard last offseason for the Washington Nationals spot that eventually went to Manny Acta.

Then he spent a year honing his studio skills with ESPN.

I wonder how much skill he actually honed. My guess is that he sat around and offered "seasoned baseball opinions" about important things like "clogging the bases" and didn't hone anything. Maybe he whitened his teeth or something.

Though he was shocked by the amount of money the Cubs spent immediately after he was sent packing, Baker was anything but bitter. Instead, he firmly believed his four years on the North Side were a great education.

I hope, if I am ever fired from a job, I can say the same. Dusty actually seems like a pretty level-headed guy, and I think that's a positive asset.

Baker inherits a Reds team that hasn't reached the playoffs since winning the Central with an 85-59 record in the strike-shortened 1995 season and hasn't had a winning record since going 85-77 to finish second in 2000.

Well, the Reds did tie for the wild-card in 1999, and were leading the NL in 1994, but I do buy the overall point of this sentence, which is that the Reds haven't had a lot of success recently.

The Reds have plenty of work to do to make some noise in an NL Central that is expected to feature a strong Cubs team, an even stronger Milwaukee Brewers club and a rebuilt St. Louis Cardinals.

Three totally unsupported allegations. I guess the Cubs could be as strong next year, if Ted Lilly can continue to pitch much higher than his career numbers would indicate. I don't know why the Brewers might be stronger, except that their core young players have another year. And I don't have any idea why he suggests the Cards will be better or rebuilt, seeing as they FIRED THEIR GENERAL MANAGER last week.

Baker will encounter a young team -- an area in which he has struggled. The rotation is spotty beyond veterans Aaron Harang and Bronson Arroyo, though top prospect Homer Bailey is expected to nail down a spot. The Reds had the worst bullpen in the NL and the lineup -- as always -- depends on the health of future Hall of Famer Ken Griffey Jr.

1. The rotation sucks. Obvious point, Chris.

2.Bullpen sucks. Obvious point, Chris.

3. This is why we have the label WRONG. The Reds' lineup success depends as much on Adam Dunn's 136 OPS+ returning to the lineup and Brandon Phillips having another 30-30 season. It could depend on the emergence of Edwin Encarnacion, Joey Votto, or Josh Hamilton. Ken Griffey Jr., while a good player capable of carrying a team for a time, is NOT the sole dependent factor in the Reds' offensive success next year. WRONG!

Baker -- a three-time NL Manager of the Year -- takes a 1,162-1,041 career record to Cincinnati after stints with the San Francisco Giants (1993-2002) and Cubs (2003-06). He took the Giants to the 2002 World Series, then took the Cubs to the NL Championship Series the next season.

In my opinion, Barry Bonds having possibly the greatest offensive season in all of baseball history was what took the Giants to the Series in 2002, not Dusty Baker. In my opinion, the starting staff of the 2003 Cubs (the top 4, while throwing over 200 innings, posted ERAs of 2.43, 3.11, 3.20, and 4.11) took them to the NLCS.

In Chris Deluca's opinion, Dusty Baker took them there. Well, maybe Dusty made the plane reservations or something.

[boring stuff omitted]

''Hey, man, I'll be back,'' Baker promised a year ago, ''and I'll be back even better than I was.''

Reds fans hope so!

Ed Hardiman Needs to Drink a Bottle of Antifreeze

Again, as I've announced before, there's no way that Jay Mariotti is my least favorite writer. It's this guy, Ed. Ed is a man who pretty much sits at his computer trying to be funny about twice a week and fails miserably (not that his idiot commenters ever take note -- I bet he filters them). Here he draws up a hilarious passage about The Gipper being exhumed!

The Associated Press reports Notre Dame legend George Gipp was exhumed yesterday. Gipp, famous for inspiring Knute Rockne to coin the phrase "Win one for the Gipper" and launching Ronald Reagan on the road to the Presidency, was driven to the South Bend campus of Notre Dame where he gave a rousing speech exhorting the one-win Fighting Irish to win at least two.

While several players admitted they didn't know who George Gipp was an equal number admitted they didn't know who Ronald Reagan was either. George Weiss admitted bringing in the corpse of a former player was a desperate act but, "...The only other dead legend, Knute Rockne, was booked solid until 2010."

HAHAHHAHAHAHA! Notre Dame athletes are stupid! What a fucking retarded school, they'll just let in ANYONE if they can play football! Those MORONS don't even know who Ronald Reagan is!

But seriously, can anyone tell me if there has been any pressure on Notre Dame to lower academic admission standards in an effort to admit better football players? Has this ever been an issue before? No? Cool. Didn't think so. What a school full of retards.

Gipp gained 2,341 yards on the ground for the Fighting Irish over 3 seasons before succumbing to strep throat weeks before being named Notre Dame's 1st All American in 1920. His deathbed declaration to Knute Rockne might be the best ever given, even if its apocryphal;

"I've got to go, Rock. It's all right. I'm not afraid. Some time, Rock, when the team is up against it, when things are wrong and the breaks are beating the boys — tell them to go in there with all they've got and win just one for the Gipper. I don't know where I'll be then, Rock. But I'll know about it, and I'll be happy."

Bob, an offensive lineman, had this to say "Yeah, um it was hard to tell what he was saying and at one point his head fell off and rolled around on the floor but it was inspirational, though I think ending the speech "Win one for the Swiffer" or something like that was kind of confusing..."

How can you possibly accuse anyone else of being stupid? I think you have the IQ of a grapefruit. And just for future reference, if you want to say college football players are stupid, try not to confuse "it's" and "its" or forget commas before quotations.

When Father Ted McGuiness-Stout was asked if bringing the dead back to life conformed to the theological mission of the school he angrily retorted "Go to @#$% you Protestant @#$%."

ZOMG priests swearing!

Wendy a perky cheerleader, or nubile enthusiasm generator as Don, the school information assistant hastily pointed out, said Gipp was "Dreamy." She later admitted she "...liked older guys cause they're way more mature and Gipp was really old." so old in fact, "...he lived in a box under the ground." After being asked if she knew what "being dead" meant she admitted it sounded a lot like what happened when her pet cat Fluffy went away forever when she was in the 2nd grade.

And those Notre Dame cheerleaders! What stereotypical ignoramuses! They're trim blonde girls with huge tits who just sleep around constantly and once performed sexual favors for the admissions dude just so they could get into the fucking school! Nothing but flies inside their heads! Hell, they don't even know what "dead" means! Isn't Notre Dame some sort of community college?

The overall impact of this desperate measure won't be known until this coming weekend. As for Gipp he plans to remain dead and has no immediate plans, though ESPN has offered him a reality show called "Fourth and Dead with George Gipp."

Wow. "Fourth and Dead?" That's the best fucking play on words you could come up with?

I have to be up early tomorrow. Now I'm too pissed off to sleep.

To recap: Jay Mariotti is someone I want to yell at a lot and just explain to him how dumb and wrong he is about everything. Ed Hardiman is someone I want to hit with a crowbar.

Why Do You Think Bill Simmons Is the Only Page 2 Writer Whose Columns Don't Have ESPN's "Conversation" Commenting Feature?

Could it be because he's an absolutely insufferable douche, who despite being wildly popular also infuriates a large percentage of those who read him? That's my guess. I mean, every single ESPN Page 2 writer has the Conversation feature attached to their articles... except Bill. Even Jemele Hill's work is free to be shat upon (or loved, if that's your thing) by the disapproving masses! Why shouldn't The Sports Guy's? I mean, other than the possibility that just as many people hate him as like him which could lead to a lot of angry/inappropriate comments that would need to be moderated. Sure, he's the most popular "fun" sportswriter on the whole wide interwebs. But I'm willing to bet a good portion of his readership doesn't actually enjoy his writing. They just tune in because he's visible, they hate him, and they want to complain about him. (Hey.... that's me!) Welcome to today's sports media: if you want to be popular, take a hint from Bill and be as bombastic as possible. It's not about being journalistically responsible or reporting on interesting topics; it's all about generating "buzz."

With that as a backdrop, it's time for me to become part of the problem rather than the solution. I'm going to spend the next hour or so bitching about Bill's latest mailbag column, thus generating "buzz" for him. Yes, I do see the irony there. But honestly, what do you want me to do? NOT bitch about him? He's atrocious.

With the second round of the playoffs starting Thursday, I thought we'd rip through some baseball-related e-mails for a pseudo-mailbag. As always, these are actual e-mails from actual readers.

I can only dream of the day when you're unpopular enough that you have to make up emails for your mailbag.

Q: I was pretty excited to watch "SportsCenter" on Oct. 9, the day after the Tribe vanquished the Yanks to advance to the ALCS. So I flip on "SportsCenter" and watch a full 40 minutes of coverage about the freaking Yankees. And Joe Torre. And Joe Torre. And Joe Torre. If somebody turned on that show, but missed the first five minutes, they might not have known who beat the Yanks, just that the Yanks lost and Joe Torre's job was on the line. Speaking of which, did you know that Joe Torre's job is on the line? I know it's asking too much for ESPN to stop covering the Yankees endlessly. But you should step up to the plate and mention, just so at least your audience knows, that the Indians are, in fact, in the playoffs. --Tim, Philly

SG: The Indians are in the playoffs? Just kidding. In ESPN's defense ... wait, I won't defend ESPN on this one. Cleveland's toppling the Yankees was just as good a story as the Yankees' getting toppled; besides, how much more could be said about the Yanks at this point? Rivera and Torre might leave, Posada might leave, Clemens might retire, A-Rod might sign somewhere else for a lot of money. ... Um, didn't we know these things in April?

Glad you asked. On that same note, how much more can be said about the Red Sox at this point? They have a decent rotation headed up by the favorite for the AL Cy Young, "Manny" and "Papi" are getting older but can definitely still hit the ball a mile, and their fans are stereotypically assholish. Oh! And don't forget, J.D. Drew has been a mild disappointment! (More on that later.) Minus the Drew thing, didn't we know all these things in April? Yet we still hear about them. Constantly. I love it when Red Sox fans complain about how much coverage the Yankees get.

Anyways, then Simmons goes on to list in bullet point format reasons why the Yankees stink and the Indians are good/scary/might get a game or two off the mighty Sawks in the ALCS. OK, then, fair enough. But Bill, just for the sake of making sure you're not a huge fucking piece of self-contradiction, let's review the comments you made on your podcast before this series started. (Courtesy of Vegas Watch, a pretty decent blog.)

Guest: This could come back to bite me but, uh, last year, because it could be like last year when I had no concerns about Detroit, it turns out I should have been quite concerned, but, uh, I have no fear of Cleveland- I'll believe CC Sabathia, and more importantly, Fausto Carmona can do it in the playoffs when I see it, and as you said Joe Borowski- and their lineup, I mean, I dont know, their lineup doesn't really frighten me much either.

Simmons: Yeah, Grady Sizemore is one of those guys that puts up awesome stats and, you know, is like a five tool guy and everybody loves him and everybody raves about him and is great defensively, but every time, every time the Red Sox play him he's like not frightening at all when he's up, and Hafner has just been a disaster this season.

Later...

Guest: The Yanks are 6-0 against Cleveland this year, including beating Carmona I think, and probably Sabathia if they're 6-0- all you have to do is stick around, you gotta keep the game close, get him out of the game.

Simmons: You're not gonna lose to Cleveland.

Now, it's entirely possible Bill was just agreeing with his guest just for the sake of being friendly. And maybe he didn't intentionally and specifically mean to crap on Cleveland, he was just excited about the prospect of another New York/Boston ALCS. (As we will see later, he strongly believes these are pretty much the only two teams that belong in baseball's postseason.) But regardless of either of those possibilities, basically what we see here is that Simmons verbally left Cleveland for dead before their series against the Yankees even started. Now that he's writing this mailbag after the fact, it's totally obvious to him that the Indians are the better team and have been all along. I guess Bill went to the Jay Mariotti Flip-Flop What Have You Done For Me Lately? School of Journalism.

Q: Let's arrange a summit that would bring together fans of the 2007 Mets and 1978 Red Sox. There could be speeches, seminars and breakout groups. Maybe it could take place at the Elks Lodge in Danbury, Conn. There would be a formal dinner with a cash bar, shrimp appetizer and baked-stuffed chicken with salad and and scalloped potatoes. This would happen if, and only if, the Sox don't win the '07 Series.--Derek, Norwalk, Conn.

A reader with a Mets comment. Thanks for printing that, Bill. How very relevant to the postseason.

Q: Can't believe you defended LeBron in your magazine column. Bulls, Cowboys and Yankees? He is the absolute worst kind of fan. You know you have hated kids/guys like him your whole life. How can you give him credit for being such a bandwagon sports philanderer?--Cy, Boston

Let's go back to the first sentence of this column:

"With the second round of the playoffs starting Thursday, I thought we'd rip through some baseball-related e-mails for a pseudo-mailbag."

Oops. I guess Bill couldn't hold off on an opportunity to plug one of his other columns. Not that this is a totally egregious offense... but given the relatively low number of questions in the mailbag as a whole, I really don't see why this couldn't wait.

Q: If anyone asks, I was with you tonight. I was definitely not in Boston, killing J.D. Drew.--The Duke, Boston

SG: That was the belated winner of the "Funniest J.D. Drew related e-mail during the four-month stretch of the 2007 season when every Red Sox fan hated him" award. Now we're good with J.D. He's had some solid moments the past few weeks. Everything's fine now. I keep telling myself this.

Bill, we've been over this. Over and over and over. I would rather read another one of your let's-watch-paint-dry-instead Celtics columns that hear more annoying crap about J.D. motherfreaking Drew. Guess what? He's not the first big ticket free agent in MLB history to not win the triple crown in his first season with his new club.

Q: As a fan of all Dallas-based sports teams, it wouldn't bother me in the least to see, say, Dirk Nowitzki show up to a Cowboys game in a Redskins hat or Terrell Owens show up to a Mavs game in a Spurs jersey. Not in the least. But I won't buy for one second that you, Bill Simmons, the guy who wrote "Now I Can Die In Peace," wouldn't get absolutely p.o.'d if Paul Pierce showed up to a Yankees/Red Sox game, in Boston, wearing a Yankees hat.--Joel H., Allen, Texas

Probably a good point. Simmons denies he'd mind that behavior out of Pierce; I'm not buying it. In any case, though, what were we talking about? Baseball? Oh, no, that's right, we were talking about one (or in this case, two) of Bill's other columns. My mistake.

Q: Here's my plan for my first kid. I have the entire 2004 Red Sox playoffs on DVD, as well as all the Patriots' Super Bowl DVD's. What if, instead of Dora and Barney, I prop my kid up in front of Tom and Papi? Hell, my kid may come into this world just before the NBA playoffs. What a way to start. This cannot fail; this will be revolutionary. All I need from you is a way to convince my wife this is a good idea.--Bob, Pittsfield, Mass.

That's... almost a question about the 2007 MLB postseason... almost. I guess what's really important about it, from Bill's perspective, is that it was about Boston. Speaking of which- have you heard? Apparently the New England Patriots (the greater Boston area's NFL team) are having a good season! Yeah, no kidding. I'm disappointed too. Sometimes these feelgood stories just slip through the cracks, I guess.

Q: Where's your NLCS prediction? I need to know which team to bet against.--George, New Rochelle, N.Y.

This is where it gets good. The answer to this question is the real reason I decided to make this posting in the first place.

SG: Thank you for asking! I like the Rockets over the T-Backs. Just kidding.

Using this kind of little throwaway joke at the beginning of an answer multiple times (see the very first question) in the same mailbag column is super hilarious! Just kidding.

But I'm glad you brought this up. No matter how much you love baseball, it's nearly impossible to care about the Colorado-Arizona series. You might watch it, you might enjoy it, you might even gamble on it ... but unless you're an absolute baseball nut or a Rockies/D-backs fan, how could you honestly care who wins when neither franchise is older than Jamie-Lynn Spears? It's like going to a wedding in which you don't know anything about the bride or the groom.

Anyway, a friend of mine who works in the sports world got me thinking about this on Monday when he e-mailed just to say, "Colorado versus Arizona might be the least watched LCS in baseball history. Who the hell cares about either team? I'm convinced that sports is all about history. If there's history, it's interesting. If not, who cares?

It's true. Why should average everyday fans care about new franchises? That Patriots/Panthers Super Bowl shouldn't have even been televised outside of New England and Charlotte. Booooooorrrrring. Boise State vs. Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl last year? Lame, unless you had a rooting interest in either team. And didn't the Diamondbacks beat the Yankees in a thrilling 7th game of the World Series a few years back? I sure hope no one besides Yankee and Diamondback fans tuned in for that one. I mean, why would you want to witness a new rivalry being formed (in the case of this year's NLCS) or a team trying to win something they've never won before (all three of those other examples)?

I think baseball needs to realign; let's contract every team except the Yankees and Red Sox in the AL, and the Cubs and Phillies in the NL. (Despite how long they've been around, the Reds, Cardinals, Dodgers, Giants and White Sox will be contracted because they're boring and don't have enough fans.) Think of the possibilities- a Yankees/Red Sox ALCS every year! What baseball fan wouldn't love that!?!?!? Actually, hold on, slight correction- let's allow the other 26 teams continue playing, but in a different league with no playoffs for fantasy purposes. Wait, no- just the 12 AL teams. Who needs NL players? Yeah. That's the solution. So we have the four actual MLB teams, 12 others in a separate isolated league, and we're ditching 14 more. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

People need the emotional attachment that comes from a lifetime of cheering for the same team -- and especially when their parents rooted for the same franchise."

That one goes out to you, Colorado fans over the age of 25 and Arizona fans over the age of 20. So you've been cheering for them for the past ten to fifteen years? Whoop-de-shit. If you were older than 10 when they came into existence, your fandom doesn't count. You're not passionate. No one cares (nor should you) whether or not your team wins the NLCS. Wait, you're telling me that at one point in time EVERY team was only 15 years old? That EVERY team that's won multiple pennants had to win their first pennant at some point? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Nothing new should ever happen. Only repeats of previous things that already happened are exciting.

My response: "You just described why the NHL died in this country over the past 12 years."

You're right, Bill- it had nothing to do with poor marketing, revenue issues, or an ill-timed lockout. It's entirely because Colorado, Tampa Bay, and Carolina won a few Stanley Cups.

(Here's my super brainy deep thinking theory for why Simmons and his friend feel this way: they're still not over the 1986 World Series, when the relatively new (25 year old) Mets knocked off the very old Red Sox. That's right I said it. "Behind the bag.... it gets through Buckner! Here comes Knight and the Mets win it!" Just saying.)

Q: I can't believe John Mellencamp wasn't listed as one of your "25 people to watch in AL playoffs." He needs to go into the witness protection program because I am ready to snap and go OJ on him and everyone at Chevy for ruining another postseason. TiVo and all the DVR makers need to get involved and find a way to block this commercial from broadcasting on TVs.--Silvio, NYC

SG: Lord knows the "This is ourrrrrrrrrr country" joke has been beaten to death ... but (rest of response omitted).

But nothing. No. End of story. We're going on 14 months of that joke; that's about ten too many. And just for the record, that Jack In the Box chicken guy ad has been running far more often and is almost as annoying at this point.

Q: Manny's postgame interview after his Game 2 walkoff homer should shoot right to the top of your Unintentional Comedy Scale. Once he hit that ball, the first words out of all of my buddies was along the lines of, "I REALLY hope they do a postgame with Manny." We were more on edge during that interview than the last half of the ninth. Varitek says, "Joo don't leave Boston without a home run." I says, "Joo know it."--Bobby, Belmont, Mass.

SG: You left out the key part of the interview ... Jose Mota! Teaming up Manny and Mota was like teaming up Cosell and Ali in the early-'70s, only the exact opposite. Couldn't ESPN Radio have given them Dan Patrick's old show?

It's funny because Ramirez has an accent. And hey, thanks a lot for finally taking a Red Sox question, Bill! Geez, why isn't anyone talking about the REAL story in the 2007 postseason? GO SAWKS!

Q: My favorite part about reading your '01 World Series diary was this tag at the end: Bill Simmons writes three columns a week for Page 2. Wow. It really has been a long time since Paul O'Neill played.--Mark, Madison

SG: (Searching for a comeback ... )

Self degradation usually makes me think people are cool and laid back. I really enjoy it and often practice it, so if they do too, we're bound to get along because we have similar views about ourselves. Except in this case. Because Bill is a pudwhacker.

Q: Could you comment on the "twist" on the "Friday Night Lights" season opener? I think it's network executives making sweeping changes in order to try to get ratings, killing my favorite show in a way worse than simply canceling it.--Chris W., New Haven, Conn.

SG: Quick break from baseball to answer this one...

OK, so now we're taking a break from baseball. Great. Glad we cleared that up, in this case. The rest of the breaks we've taken from baseball in this mailbag just slipped right by most readers, but since this one is so flagrant, let's be up front about it.

Q: How 'bout those Yankees? The visiting locker room at Yankee Stadium has seen more bubbly over the past couple of years than the champagne room at Scores!!--Frank, Swampscott, Mass.

I can't believe it took this long for Simmons to print one of his Masshole reader's clever, biting, brilliantly funny Yankee jokes.

Q: I'm sure you were thrilled that Torre decided to go with Wang on three days rest in Game 4. Why, why, why do managers ever choose to use pitchers on three days rest??? The stats are horrible. According to a post on the Web, in the past 10 years, nine of the 14 playoff teams that have employed a version of a three-man rotation in the FIRST ROUND series have lost the series. These teams lost 17 of the 21 games pitched on short rest. What gives?--Graham M., Los Angeles

SG: Graham, that's a fantastic question. I don't have an answer for you. The three-day rest thing only seems to work when you don't have another choice (like the Red Sox in 2004, for example).

Just a quick reminder that Bill likes the Red Sox, and that they won the World Series in 2004.

Q: What is the appropriate reaction to somebody bringing up the Mets' collapse to me 24 hours after it happened? I say I am legally allowed to punch any male who says anything. With females I say it is OK to pick out their greatest insecurity and viciously attack it for a solid 45 minutes.--Joe B., Staten Island, N.Y.

Again, as before, very relevant to the 2007 postseason.

Q: You know when you're fully realizing that something special is happening? A couple weeks ago, I was at one of my usual strip clubs and heard the 50 Cent and Justin Timberlake song, "Ayo Technology," for the first time and KNEW that this was a song I was going to hear in the clubs all the time for the next decade. I haven't seen a song that was able to instantly change the atmosphere in a strip club that much since Christina Aguilera's "Dirty" came out. It's kind of similar to what Joba was able to do to the Yankees in the second half of the season. What gives out earlier, Joba's arm from Torre pitching him ragged or "Ayo Technology" from Larry the bald 45-year-old strip club DJ playing it every half hour?--Brian C, Hopkinton, Mass.

SG: Yup ... these are my readers.

These are his readers, or at least the ones that get their questions published in mailbag columns; Red Sox, Yankees, or possibly Mets fans who love strip clubs. Woo! Strippers! And reality TV shows! And the AL! But specifically not the NL! Hooooooooraaaaaaaay!

(Here's the question topic distribution; I didn't cover some of them):

Total: 24
Indians/Yankees: 4
Red Sox/Angels: 3
Assorted Yankees: 2
Assorted Red Sox: 5
Not baseball/TV/Other Simmons Columns: 7
Mets: 2
Anyone else from the NL: 1 (disparagingly)

Bill Simmons: he's fannnnnnnnnnnnnntastic!

here's why people hate new yorkers...

Tony Kornheiser sucks. We all know it. So why am I going to write anything about him? Because he's terrible at his easy and awesome job, and he doesn't care that he sucks.

On PTI today, they were talking about the NLCS. Michael Wilbon, who sucks considerably less than Kornheiser, accuses Tony of not being able to name a handful of Rockies or Diamondback players. (of course the only two names Wilbon pulls out is Brandon Webb and Livan Hernandez who "has some bling from Florida")

Tony : "All I know... All I know... is that Matt Holliday still hasn't touched home plate. In all seriousness it's hard to bet against a team that has won 17 of their last 18 games."

That's all he had to say on the matter.

That's right. Kornheiser, who is paid what must be a fairly generous salary for COMMENTING AND "ANALYZING" SPORTS, cannot be bothered to know a single fucking thing about the two teams about to play for the world series.

Instead he makes a joke about a questionable call (that made up one possible out of a 163 game season) from a few weeks ago, and mentions that the Rockies are hot. Let's put this in perspective: I have a job. I work ~48 hours per week, in a job that's not analyzing sports. Yet I could probably name five times more MLB players than Kornheiser; and I could tell you a little about their abilities.

It's an embarrassment for ESPN, and for Kornheiser himself, who freely admits he doesn't care about non marquee teams in big cities. Get your stupid old coot ass on the computer and at least look at some stat sheets: i don't care if it's just batting averages, ERAs and RBIs. DO SOMETHING THAT JUSTIFIES YOUR EXISTENCE. Say something, anything, besides talk from your ass every single time you're on.

I freely admit to hating "around the horn," but at least they get columnists from around the country to talk. I don't need an idiotic old fart new yorker yabbing on about the SAWKS and METS and KOBE BRYYYANT 365 days a year. Wilbon at least tries sometimes, but jesus, how can anybody in their right mind like or respect Kornheiser?

Also, I'm jealous of his job.

EDIT: Using wikipedia, I found these fun facts about Tony:

He did not write columns between April 26, 2006 and August 7, 2006 to prepare as an analyst of ESPN's Monday Night Football.

"T.O. is a Locker room cancer" jokes don't write themselves!

Kornheiser reportedly earns $1.8 million for being a Monday Night Football announcer and $900,000 for co-hosting PTI.

Kornheiser has mentioned several times that he doesn't frequently make use of the Internet or computers, and that he has never viewed his own Wikipedia entry.

Worst Transition of All-Time

From the beginning of Jay's article about the Bears/Packers game:

GREEN BAY, Wis. -- What a dope, that Ashton Kutcher. Didn't he have better things to do with his life? A lifelong Bears fan from Iowa, he and wife Demi Moore ventured from Hollywood to Cheesewood to see his team play the Packers. They even brought their friends, lovebirds Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake -- the same Timberlake who participated in an infamous wardrobe malfunction at the Super Bowl.

I would have predicted a franchise malfunction Sunday night.

Here comes a sentence I didn't think I'd have to type when I woke up this morning. Jay, if Ashton Kutcher-related bullshit doesn't have anything to do with your column, DON'T PUT IT IN THERE!

This reminds me vaguely of Mike Patrick blabbing about Britany Spears near the end of the Georgia game from a few weeks ago.

no! you can't... how... nooooooo!

doesn't cbssportsline.com's scott miller understand that a-rod is the most unclutchiest unclutcher of all time? apparently not, because otherwise he wouldn't have written this monstrosity of an article. no one else comes close. two other very well paid guys with very similar postseason stats can't even compare. why not? because they didn't single handedly end the yankees' postseason chances, that's why. vlad guerrero and alfonso soriano play for the angels and cubs, respectively. therefore they're not chokers like choke-rod. only choke-rod is a postseason failure. no one else. i mean, let's be fair to soriano and vlad- they've both been under tremendous pressure to produce in the postseason. cut them a little bit of slack already! i think they've earned it. rodriguez? wah wah wah. cry me a river. i'll tell you what- i'll get in touch with you next april if and when i need a walk off grand slam. until then, just try to enjoy your piles and piles of money that you didn't earn. if only you had hit a HR in every at bat you had against the indians, as you're being paid to do, new york would be moving on to the ALCS. instead you decided to blow it because you're lazy and useless and horrible. and for that you should be shot. enjoy the canadian baseball league, fake-rod, because no MLB owner in his right is going to sign you when you opt out of your yankee contract! good riddance.

(note to anyone who might be new to this blog: i'm being sarcastic, miller's article is actually really good. go read it.)

I'm an east coast bias crybaby

Did everybody notice the MLB headlines this week on si.com, espn.com, foxsports.com etc.

YANKEES STRUGGLE IN LOSS! TORRE TO BE FIRED!

PHILLIES LOSE!

CUBBIES LOSE LIKE THEY ALWAYS DO!

RED SOX WIN!

ummmmmmm.... If you knew nothing about baseball, you'd assume that three teams simply fell apart this week in the postseason, instead of getting soundly beat by an equally matched or better opponent.

Here are some facts:

Phillies pitching has not been very good all season. The Rockies, especially since the all-star break, have had one of the best staffs in the majors, especially after you adjust for park factors.

Yankees pitching has been below average. The Indians have two of the best starters in the AL.

The Diamondbacks have one of the best pitching staffs in baseball as well, and quite possibly the best bullpen. Lord knows how they score enough runs to win, but they do and have all season.

Even in losses, all the major sports news outlets somehow focus the story on all the marquee teams.