Announcement!

Jay Mariotti is apparently closer to home for me than I once knew. I was eating at Wildfire, a nice restaurant near my house, when I noticed that among the many plaques on the wall that honor people who eat there frequently was one that read this:

"JAY AND DANA MARIOTTI".

Further inquisition confirmed not only that it was him, but also that he has a daughter that goes to the high school I attended.

Based on everything that has passed between me and Jay, is it fair to say that I'm not responsible for my actions if I see him?

Anyway, back to the crap.

As Ozzie invents enemies, Twins stalk lead

Blah blah blah as Ozzie bad, something else not-Ozzie good blah blah blah. For such a well-regarded writer, you sure as hell are monotonous.

When Ozzie Guillen isn't picking stupid fights with someone named C.J. Wilson -- I see he's stooping to much lower levels than me and Magglio Ordonez -- he's peering at the big scoreboard and seeing The Piranhas nipping at his butt cheeks.

Jay is clearly misinformed about the identity of "The Piranhas." Pay attention to this one Jay, because if you're going to use a phrase, you should at least know what it refers to. "The Piranhas" was a collective nickname for Jason Bartlett (who is now the Rays shorstop), Luis Castillo (who is now the Mets' second baseman), and Nick Punto (a guy who had the most negative VORP of any MLB player last year and barely has over 100 at-bats this year). In other words, Jay, you just said that the 9-1-2 hitters in the Twins lineup from 2 years ago are nipping at Ozzie Guillen's butt cheeks. Because those three baseball players no longer play for the same baseball team, I can only assume "nipping at his butt cheeks" was some sort of homosexual reference, which contradicts the previous sentence that Ozzie Guillen is any lower than you.

My brain works in the strangest ways.

Hey, blame him. He's the one who coined the perfect nickname for the Minnesota Twins

'9-1-2 hitters from 2006.

who continue to perform in the feisty piranha spirit and frighten the hell out of the White Sox.

Stop.

Is anyone out there remotely comfortable with a half-game lead? You shouldn't be. As the Sox were absorbing a 9-1 clobbering Saturday night from the lowly Kansas City Royals, the Twins were winning for the 21st time in 27 games, again looking like an elite team in a 14-2 crushing of the Texas Rangers.

The Twins are not an elite team. They're a bunch of #3 starters and a bunch of guys who don't hit HR. The Twins and the White Sox have practically identical team on-base percentages. However, the Sox have hit 135 HR. The Twins have hit 69. How in the world is it that the Twins have outscored the White Sox at the time of this writing?

Insanely. Good. Luck.

With RISP, the Twins are .311/.383/.454. That is easily the best and luckiest in the majors. Given that the White Sox have been way better at preventing runs, there's no way the Twins are their biggest threat.

In what might be one of the classic divisional races we've seen in this town, the Sox can't afford off nights against bad clubs. The Blizzard might want to concentrate on his own team instead of inventing enemies for his wacko rants, a practice that really is getting old.

He's talking about C.J. Wilson. And like Jay said, I bet Ozzie cares more about him than his own team.

In what might be one of the classic divisional races we've seen in this town, the Sox can't afford off nights against bad clubs. The Blizzard might want to concentrate on his own team instead of inventing enemies for his wacko rants, a practice that really is getting old.

The fact that he's really good at baseball pales in comparison to this, eh?

The fundamental question, to me, was whether Quentin would leave his first half in the on-deck circle at Yankee Stadium. That's where I last saw him, waiting to bat when American League teammate Michael Young mercifully ended that New York Marathon of an All-Star Game. Twice before, Quentin had stepped in with chances to be a wee-hours hero; twice, he failed.

5-for-17 with 3 walks and 2 HR since the break is definitely cutting it....

Was this an omen for his Q rating?

What the fuck does this mean? I want to call every scribe from every corner of the earth. Someone, please decipher this moron's brain. What was he possibly thinking when he wrote this?

Would the upstart that many have viewed as an MVP candidate, the steal of the year in baseball, now fall to earth as conventional logic demands? Was it too unrealistic to think he could lead the Sox to the playoffs when he was acquired from Arizona for a minor-league first baseman and sunflower seeds?

HE IS 9-FOR-FUCKING-28 WITH 6 HOME RUNS IN HIS LAST 7 GAMES? WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK HE'S COOLING OFF?

Didn't you watch the game, Jay? Like every player had a chance to end that game at least once in extras.

He may not win the MVP award or hit .300, but the stocky slugger who vaguely resembles a young Jose Canseco -- somehow, I mean that as a compliment -- will keep crushing pitches and giving the Sox their most out-of-nowhere clout since Mayor Daley flashed a sign in a TV ad and coaxed A.J. Pierzynski to bunt.

That ad came out roughly 2 weeks ago. So basically you're saying that Quentin is the best thing that's happened to the White Sox in 2 weeks.

The good news on Avenue Q aside, look elsewhere if you want a firm commitment to Sox glory. Along with Quentin, Danks and Floyd, it's just as vital for Paul Konerko to start earning his money and the likes of Thome, Nick Swisher and Jose Contreras to earn theirs. Closer Bobby Jenks, too, must avoid the disabled list. The Twins are that good.

1) "Avenue Q?"
2) No. The Twins are not that good. Their leadoff hitter has a .285 OBP. They have 2 guys with more than 10 home runs.

Ozzie yaps, the Twins nip.

You haven't mentioned Ozzie in 9 paragraphs, so this was a pretty seamless transition, eh?

I see a theme developing.

So do I, Jay. So. Do. I.

Childhood Instituions Running Amok

One of my favorite things to do growing up was to turn on the USA Network in the early morning hours during summer vacation and watch repeats of Wings followed by repeats of American Gladiators. Is there anything better than the antics of the Sandpiper Air crew? There is, and that is when it is followed by the bone rattling awesomeness that is Atlasphere. 4 giant metal balls, scoring pods, smoke machines and Larry Czonka. How could it go wrong?

Well it was brought back last night on NBC's revival of the series and my only bone to pick was that it was too easy for the contenders to score.

So why post this? And on this blog? My post is based one one piece of posterboard that was held up by a "fan" last night.



Now how could this be? A night where an American institution such as Atlasphere returns and this guy somehow knows that they'll be back? Or he just guessed? This guy looks like the sort of person that would add shading and gradient to perfect spheres drawn in marker? C'mon, NBC.


Yes, you really just wasted minutes of your day reading that. Now you see why I stick to hockey (how about free agency?)

FireJay's Relationship With Jeff Pearlman Becomes Increasingly Complex With Every Post

Honestly, the guy is really cool. He let me interview him. His Barry Bonds book is fantastic. He seems friendly, approachable, down to Earth, and generally the antithesis of the sports journalism world's multitude of Jay Mariottis. So why must he always be so wrong about everything? Unfortunately, yet again, he leaves me with no choice.

Example #1, from his blog.

There’s been mounting buzz of late that somebody—Boston? the White Sox? Tampa Bay—should bite the bullet and sign Barry Bonds to a free agent deal.

I hate Barry Bonds. A lot. I hate him more than I hate white people. (Just kidding! I am white. And not a self-loathing white person, either. I just wanted to make a racist remark, because those usually generate controversy, and subsequently, blog traffic.) And yet, I have to agree that those teams would almost certainly benefit from signing him.

The arguments are myriad: He can still slug. Incredible on-base percentage. An instant threat in the midst of a lineup. Etc.

All valid.

My take: No friggin’ way.

I mean, that's fine. You could make a case as to why a Bonds signing would be a bad idea. It would probably be pretty weak, and based on nothing more than his personality issues, and maybe the tenuous idea that he's no longer on steroids, but it would still be a case.

Signing Barry Bonds would be a complete and total disaster, for about 8,302 reasons

Reason No. 1: He’s a has-been.

Well, technically, yes. He's not nearly as good as he was 15, ten, five, or even three years ago. But please elaborate.

Everyone talks about Bonds’ phenomenal on-base percentage, but consider how he reached it.

I am under the impression that he reached it by not making an out somewhere between 40% and 60% of the time he came to the plate.

In San Francisco, Bonds was surrounded in the lineup by liquid crud. Who wouldn’t pitch around Bonds (or, for that matter, me) if you’re “protected” by Ray Durham and Benji Molina. Of course he had a high on-base percentage.

In how many ways can we identify this as WRONG?

1) We could anecdotally point out that while in SF, Bonds played with Matt Williams in his late prime, Jeff Kent in his late prime, Ellis Burks in his late prime, and a cast of many other excellent hitters. The punchless Giants Pearlman refers to didn't really exist until about 2004.

2) We could take this route: note that if you're accusing a player of having an inflated OBP, then it would seem to follow that you're accusing them of not being as good a hitter as most people think. (Assuming we generally equate a high OBP with hitting ability, which seems more than fair.) Then we could ask Jeff: do you really want to say that the all time home run champion... is overrated? There's a couple logical leaps in there, but none of them are 1/10th as outrageous as what Jeff is trying to say.

3) We could note that while OBP can be artificially inflated by intentional or semi-intentional walks, there is no corresponding way to "inflate" slugging percentage. Either you get a lot of extra base hits, or you don't. We could then note that Bonds has the 6th highest SLG in baseball history, and that his SLG as a Giant is much higher than his SLG as a Pirate. By putting these two pieces together, we could conclude that no matter how many times he was pitched around while playing for SF, the numbers show that he was still an unbelievably dangerous hitter if and when pitchers dared to challenge him.

4) We could laugh, and just shout "WRONG!" Everyone needs a little more laughter in their lives anyways.

Reason No. 2: He’s the worst clubhouse cancer in the modern history of sports.

Probably true, and a fair reason to hesitate, but not enough to conclusively say that picking him up would be a bad idea.

Worse than T.O. or Randy Moss; worse than John Rocker or J.R. Rider. The worst. He wants special perks, and special perks don’t fly during a pennant race.

Special perks must have been cleared for takeoff by the FAA during the 2002 season, when the Giants won the pennant.

Any team he joins will be an awfully good one. In Boston, would guys like Josh Beckett and David Ortiz really want to put up with his bullshit? After all they’ve accomplished? No way.

This is not a "0 or 1" binary problem. It's not like there's putting up with bullshit, and not putting up with bullshit, and nothing in between. Say the Red Sox were five games behind the Rays and only a game up on the Yankees on August 15th, Ortiz was still out of the lineup, and then they signed Bonds. Would everyone embrace him with open arms and tell the media that he was the coolest cat they'd ever met? Probably not. Would they bite their collective tongue, and allow Bonds to set up his recliner, TV, fridge, microwave, massage chair, air purifier, Deep Rock water tank, entertainment center, hot tub, BBQ grill, NBA Jam arcade machine, skeeball machine, hyperbaric chamber, gazebo, and Nerf mini-hoop wherever he wanted? Probably.

Reason No. 3: He’s 44.

Last year, at age 43, he was arguably one of the 20 best hitters in baseball when in the lineup. Of course, a player's ability drops off extremely quickly after 36 or so. But Bonds would have to drop a looooooong way to be not worth a pro-rated deal somewhere in the low millions.

I’m 36, and I can no longer catch up with the inside heat

Jeff, please. You're a blogger now. It's unlikely you've ever even seen a real-life baseball game, let alone tried to play in one.

(Actually, I could never catch up with the inside heat. But now I have trouble tying my shoes without farting)

I'll give him points here for a poop/fart/butt joke.

Reason No. 4: My dog Norma just ate a leaf. I blame this on Bonds.

Tongue-in-cheek alert, everyone! Tongue-in-cheek alert! Sorry, Jeff. Based on most of the other garbage you've written that has been picked apart by us, I'm simply not going to be able to accept this as a copout. I'm 100% certain that you legitimately think Bonds isn't going to help any team that happens to sign him. And for that opinion, sir, you are a clod.

Example #2, from his ESPN.com sob story about journeyman infielder Mike Lamb:

What Lamb didn't say, at least not bluntly, is that -- despite what fans might think -- there is no such thing as a "dream job"; that every schlub who believes in the right to mercilessly heckle a ballplayer because he's "living the life" needs a few lessons at decency school.

First of all, I'm pretty sure heckling players falls under the same category as sacrifice bunts, stolen bases, running over the catcher, pitchers "finishing what they started, dadgumit," and umpires using those giant arm-worn shields as chest protectors. That is to say: heckling is part of playing/participating in the game the way it was meant to be played/participated in. It's old school. It's part of baseball lore. It's what little kids used to do with their spare time when they weren't working in factories or playing kick the can. Computers can't quantify its effect; therefore, it's "good for ball."

Second of all, if millions and millions of people around the world spend good parts of their free time doing what you do for a living (or a variation thereof), and usually paying some kind of league a good bit of money for that privilege, guess what? You have what is legitimately referred to as a "dream job." I don't hear about too many people rushing home from their regular job so they can go take customer service calls or sell vacuums on out in a field somewhere.

I'm (probably, pending the whole law school thing) going to be a lawyer one day. Although it carries a number of negative connotations (LAWYER JOKES GO HERE!), I think it's fair to say that that's regarded by most people as a "good" job. Many would say a "desirable" job, even. Certainly in the top, say, 15% of common jobs, right? You might personally think it sounds awful, but I believe the general consensus in a large-scale poll would be that most people wouldn't mind switching their current job for one as a lawyer. And yet, do you know how many people out of a hundred would pick being a lawyer over being a MLB player if given the hypothetical choice of either career path? Negative 1,000 billion, that's how many. Baseball... not a dream job... what are you, fucking nuts?

So baseball players have to spend a lot of time away from their families? Tough shit! That happens in a lot of lines of work, and most of them don't have a median yearly salary in the low seven figures. Mike Lamb, miserable and sympathetic as Pearlman makes him sound, has, at the frail old age of 32, made $6.5 million so far. Ninety-nine percent of Americans can't even comprehend that kind of money. So yes, I will heckle you, MLB ballplayers. Deal with it. Fuck Jeff Pearlman's opinion about the matter.

Minor league players? Now that job is a little bit tougher, what with all the bus travel and shitty accommodations. But most of those guys don't have kids. And given the chance (haven't been to a minor league game in years), hell, I'd probably heckle them too. What are they gonna do about it? "Accidentally" throw a ball into the stands and try to make me hilariously spill my beer and popcorn while avoiding it? That's a risk I'm willing to take.

What Screams "Titletown!" To You? Hopefully, It's Movie Villains

Sportcenter's case for Ann Arbor as Titletown, USA: (summarized, because I don't have DVR, but it's close)

Tom Brady went to school here! So did James Earl Jones, the voice of Darth Vader! And former president Gerald Ford once played football here!

Here's the totally unobvious punchline.

And don't give me any crap about how Darth Vader "wasn't really a villain" or something. I didn't want to make the title any longer.

Rainbows and Ponies and Bright Rays of Sunshine......Yay!

Friends, it's time to hear more about the greatest All-Star who ever lived. Sure, most All-Stars put up great stats or have a great career backing them up. But this guy made the team this year without the unfair advantage of either of those things. All he needed to make it was......get this....a Red Sox jersey and a little letter called "C". It's time for justice. Richard Justice.

No offense, but Red Sox need to keep Varitek
Despite catcher's slump at plate, team can't afford to lose his presence

Fine. Make him the bench coach. The current bench coach might have a shot at managing a .224 EqA, which would top Varitek. Put him at catcher.

Let's see these fine reasons that the Red Sox absolutely can't lose this man, nay, legend.

Can you imagine Jason Varitek wearing any other uniform? Can't do it, can you?

Nope. I honestly can't. Therefore, keeping him is an outstanding business decision.

"That would be hard," Derek Jeter said.

This evidence is just overwhelming.

How about you, Mariano Rivera?

"He's their captain," he said. "That tells you what he means to them."

Indeed.

Not 1, but 2 Yankees on your side? I better just cut this article off right here.

"When you think of the Red Sox, he's one of the people that comes to mind," Joe Torre said.

That's one man's opinion. I frequently forget about him. When my team is about to play the Red Sox, I'm like, "Shit....they've got Manny and Ortiz and Beckett and Dice-K and Drew and Pedroia and.....oh yeah...that catcher."

Wait, there's more.

Oh go on. I'm giddy.

"It's the way he plays the game, the respect he has for the game," Josh Hamilton said.

Josh Hamilton has spent one half of a season playing in the same league as Jason Varitek. He played 4 games against him in April. But, it's a little-known fact that addictedheroinoutofbaseballcrackcocainemiraculousrecoverylastyearmajortradehittersparkZOMG28homers! So basically, everything he touches turns to gold and everything he says has a powerful meaning that transcends the way people think.

For a decade, Varitek has represented the Red Sox with grace and grit. He might be the poster boy for some of the best years the franchise has ever had -- six playoff appearances, including two championships, in 10 seasons.

I would pick a different poster boy. But yeah, there really isn't much denying any of this.

He has helped changed the way people perceive the Red Sox.

I'll put this in a way that makes this sentence less misleading.

Jason Varitek, along with people who are way better at baseball and way more important to the goal that I will mention in the next part of this sentence, has helped change the way people perceive the Red Sox.

Once lovable losers, they're now widely respected both for winning and for doing it the right way.

And if like, A.J. Pierzynski was their catcher all this time, there's no way that franchise would have ever tuned around, right?

He's not the only Red Sox player who typifies this approach.

Whew. For a second there, I thought you wouldn't give credit to anyone else.

Tim Wakefield, Mike Lowell, Mike Timlin and others provide a leadership core as solid as any in the game.

Good God. I want to play against you in a one-on-one fantasy baseball league for $2,000,000 in which both people are only allowed to draft Red Sox.

That "C" on Varitek's jersey speaks volumes. He's the Red Sox captain in every sense of the word.

So if you have a choice between cutting Varitek and J.D. Drew from the Red Sox, you're cutting Drew, aren't you.

Recently, when he briefly snapped out of a terrible slump with a hit, the Red Sox celebrated as if they'd won another championship.

This is just another terrific reason to keep him on the team after this season.

Varitek's future with the Red Sox has become a hot topic on Boston sports radio at a time when he's hitting .218 and sometimes looking overmatched at the plate.

Because he is 36 years old, because he is unsigned after this season and because the Red Sox have had acquiring a catcher on their to-do list for more than a year, the previously unthinkable has become thinkable.

But....but he's the captain!

Money could become an issue. Varitek is represented by Scott Boras, and rumors have Boras seeking a four-year contract for Varitek.

Purchasing that contract would be something like buying a baseball team a coffin. You really want him catching for you when he's 40? And if he's not catching, then he has a value less than zero.

To anyone Red Sox fan ready to throw Varitek off the bus: Be careful what you wish for.

I'm not sure any fans have ever regretted wishing their team had a starting catcher that hits like a major leaguer.

When the Red Sox trailed the Cleveland Indians 3-1 in the American League Championship Series last fall, Varitek was one of the guys who set a relentless one-game-at-a-time tone in the clubhouse.

That's why the Red Sox outscored the Indians 30-5 in the last 3 games of this series. The ol' one-game-at-a-time approach. You didn't catch those Red Sox trying to win Game 7 during Game 5. No sir-ee-bob.

Had you walked into the Boston clubhouse before Game 5, you might have thought the Red Sox were preparing for a June game with the Mariners. That's because they play the game one way -- and Varitek is partly responsible for that.

What is that way? Indifference? They approach Game 5 of the ALCS with the same fervor as a meaningless June game with the Mariners? If you ask me, that's a serious problem.

There's no debating his offensive season. It has been terrible. Varitek's .218 batting average is 46 points below his career average. He's hitting just .184 on the road and .192 with runners in scoring position. He has put together back-to-back tough months -- a .122 average in June, a .188 average in July.

This is very, very bad.

And yet at this point in his career, considering the makeup of this club, offense isn't his primary responsibility.

You are a major league baseball player who is not a pitcher. Offense better fucking be your primary responsibility.

Even with Varitek not hitting, the Red Sox are second in the American League in runs, first in on-base percentage and third in home runs.

Therefore, keep Varitek.

As for Varitek, it might be impossible for an outsider to understand his impact in the clubhouse.

Aren't you an outsider?

What Varitek mainly does is set a tone for everyone else. When his peers voted him onto the American League All-Star team, he was asked over and over if he felt bad about going when he's hitting so little.

"No," he said. "That's a pretty good honor, to be sent by the players."

Sometimes Francona seems to know the questions are coming before they're asked.

"That is from the players around the league," he said. "That's how they feel about him."

Basically, him getting on the team was the rest of the players saying, "We don't like A.J. Pierzynski." That's all that was.

So here are the reasons that the Red Sox should keep Jason Varitek. Ahem.

1) You can't picture Jason Varitek wearing another uniform, and neither can Derek Jeter.
2) When Joe Torre thinks of the Red Sox, he's one of the first people that comes to mind.
3) Josh Hamilton says so.
4) He is a symbol of the good years the Red Sox have had (years when he wasn't old and a pretty solid player).
5) He changed the way people perceived the Red Sox.
6) There is a "C" on his jersey.
7) He believes in playing one game at a time.
8) The rest of the Red Sox are hitting just great, aren't they?
9) He's not good at offense, but that doesn't matter because of (8) and offense isn't his primary responsibility.
10) R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

I hope to God the Red Sox sign 37-year-old Jason Varitek next offseason. Because I hate them and I want them to lose.

A One-Sided Story: The Destruction of Yankee Stadium

I'm pretty sure you've heard by now that they're tearing down Yankee Stadium after this year and the Yankees will move into an adjoining facility with an estimated construction cost of 1.3 billion weak US American dollars. This is fine. Most teams, when confronted with a dilapidated stadium, decide to move into a new one.

The media's reaction is predictable. Rick Reilly waxed as only Reilly can wax about the incredible value of the artifacts in Yankee stadium, suggesting that the pieces of the field are positively sacramental and retain their glorious value for all eternity.

Baseball greats gushed like fruit snacks over their first memories on this hallowed ground.

Goose Gossage: "It was an out-of-body experience,"
Joe Morgan: "When I was running around the bases I hadn't even thought about the home run. I was thinking, I'm running where Babe Ruth ran.

Regular old baseball fans, always suckers for a sob story, got out their purple voices and talked in purple tones about the purple days of Yankee glory. Sportswriters, writing in purple pens, ate it up like it was fucking Grimace.

Peter Caparis was willing to part with "a couple of mortgage payments" so he and his 11-year-old son, Joe, could attend possibly the last major event at the stadium. He never hesitated to pay close to $2,000 a ticket to a broker for box seats close to the visitors' on-deck circle.

Man. I wonder what his wife will say when the bank has to foreclose. I can imagine Mrs. Caparis, in an appropriately shrewish voice, "We could've watched the game on TV! But now we have no house! Good thing you went to that one baseball game and Joe had to stay up half the night just to watch a sacrifice fly while the second-stringers played a longer game than the real all-stars!"

Even Canadians warbled as poetically as their cold Northern hearts can allow. The single-game Canadian RBI record was set at Yankee on Aug. 10, 1935 and tied again on Aug. 12, 1938. This article also informed me that Ferguson Jenkins is the only Canadian-born Hall of Famer, which, according to popular stereotypes about Canadian ethnicity, seems surprising. I bet if you asked most baseball fans who the only Canadian HOFer is, they would guess this guy or this guy.

But here's my problem. It's not with the Yankees, it's with the media coverage of this story:

Why do none of these baseball PURISTS have a problem with the Yankees destroying all this history, sacredness, aura, mystique, and legend for PROFIT?

The sole motivation for the Yankees to move is so that they can make more money than they already have. They can build more luxury boxes, which makes more money. They can have a nicer stadium, so their fans are happier and they can charge more money for seats. Their fans will be more comfortable and thus more likely to buy Scott Brosius vintage t-shirt jerseys.

This is all about the team that gets excoriated on a daily basis for its profit margin and its spending practices. Everyone hates the Yankees for their income and their money. I really don't know why almost NONE of the major media outlets, fans, baseball greats or Canadians has the cojones to say - hey, maybe the Yankees should pour some of their umpteenbillion dollars American into the historic, legendary, sacred stadium so they could keep playing in it?

This is among the most one-sided stories I've ever seen in the media. In all the articles I've read, almost nobody criticizes the Yankees or even suggests that it might be sad that they're voluntarily tearing the "hallowed cathedral" down. Everyone's too busy celebrating and patting themselves on the back about how great Yankee stadium was.

Nobody's noticing that the history is disappearing to make way for the dollar.

Dan Uggla Hates Winning

The eminent second sacker for the erstwhile Marlins had this to say after last night's contest:

"That was a rough one, I'm not going to lie," he said. "You can say the term, 'When it rains it pours.' I still had a lot of fun. I still wouldn't change it for anything."

You wouldn't change losing the game and having perhaps the worst single-game performance in All-Star history for anything?

Even if I offered you a brand-new three-acre private island in the Bahamas, you wouldn't trade your performance for maybe a game-winning sac fly instead of your GIDP? Or maybe if I went back in time to 2004 and bought you a Faberge egg at auction, you would maybe not make one of your three errors?

Man. Dan Uggla had one hell of a time.

That Was One Hell of an All-Star Game, Wasn't It?

Too bad this post has very little to do with the game in question. It's more crap about A-Rod from Rick Morrissey.

Crede is no A-Rod ... thank goodness

Yeah, thank goodness. Because then the White Sox would have an absolute stranglehold on the AL Central and then baseball would be less exciting. That's what you're getting at, right?

No wait....you write for a Chicago newspaper. It has to be the other meaning. The stupid one.

Sitting at a table amid a gob of reporters and cameramen, Alex Rodriguez was talking about his life, which might or might not include Madonna, who, by the way, might be using Jewish mysticism to brainwash A-Rod into thinking the two are "soulmates," according to friends of Rodriguez's estranged wife, as reported by the New York Daily News, which keeps track of these things.

This is pretty much entirely the media's fault, when you think about it.

"Look, everyone has distractions, everyone goes through personal issues," Rodriguez was telling the gathered media Monday. "Mine are on the front page of the papers."

See? And you're making it worse. I saw the front page of the actual Chicago Tribune newspaper today, and these words of Rick Morrissey were written on it. It's like circular reasoning, man. "Thank God that Crede is no A-Rod, because A-Rod has widely publicized personal issues that are exacerbated by me writing this sentence on the front page of a newspaper."


A few minutes later and several tables away, Joe Crede was talking to five reporters about his distractions, which would be "A" material for the cover of Parenting magazine only if he came up with something like a revolutionary toilet-training method.

"The biggest excitement in my life are my two girls, 4 and 2," he said. "That's all the excitement I need right there.

Awwwwwww!

Alex Rodriguez, Joe Crede. I always get them mixed up.

This is sarcastic, I know. But what's your point?

They're both third basemen. They're both American League All-Stars. They used to be connected at the agent, Scott Boras, until Rodriguez decided to work out his own deal last year.

Uh huh....great.

That would pretty much sum up the similarities between the New York superstar and the White Sox's resurrected infielder.

This is interesting because......

This is Rodriguez's 12th All-Star Game, Crede's first.

::rereads and copies article title::

Crede is no A-Rod ... thank goodness

You serious, dude?

Rodriguez is the Yankee with the two-ton contract. Crede is the guy who would like a new contract from the Sox.

Again, true statements, but these have no relevance to any point you are trying to make.

The Sox didn't exactly leave him for dead in the off-season, but they were seen holding a stethoscope.

Are all the sports cartoonists in the room done laughing yet? The rest of us didn't find this one to be all that witty.

And they sure were talking a lot about an ascendant Josh Fields at third.

Maybe because he hit 23 HR in 373 AB last year?

Whether you believe they were furiously trying to trade Crede and his balky back depends on the person doing the talking.

No, it fucking doesn't. They were absolutely trying to dump him. They were showcasing him for a trade all spring and he played like Tomas Perez. Kenny Williams asked Brian Sabean for Fred Lewis, and even Sabean understood it was a ripoff and laughed in Kenny's face. Kenny Williams literally would have taken a vending machine in exchange for Joe Crede in spring training.

But it's indisputable that Crede is here at the All-Star Game.

Of course it's indisputable you fucking twat.

"Hi, I'm Rick Morrissey. It's indisputable that Joe Saunders is a pitcher."

Sometimes standing still — or being forced to stand still — is the best thing for a team.

God, that's great philosophy. Do you write books, sir? Maybe you should be a GM.

Forgive Crede for taking some pleasure in this. Thirteen months ago, he couldn't lift his children because of his back. Six months ago, as he rehabbed from back surgery, he was the subject of trade rumors.

Sure, of course he should be happy about his comeback. I don't think he should go around bragging about his .325 OBP or his .259 EqA though. Did I mention he in no way deserved to be on the All-Star team? Because if I didn't, let me declare this to the world.

Ahem.

Joe Crede in no way deserved to be on the All-Star team. If you are being generous, he has been the 7th best 3rd baseman in the American League this year, behind A-Rod, Lowell, Rolen, Longoria, Guillen, and ::gasp:: Adrian Beltre. He has 17 errors, which people with a fully functional brain would deem terrible. The fact that he made the All-Star team this year is living proof that you can't use All-Star game appearances at all to prove that a player has played well in a given season.

But yeah, I mean all that stuff about not being able to lift his kids and rehabs and back surgery and rainbows and lollipops and trade rumors and....shucks, you're probably right, Morrissey.

Now he's backing up A-Rod at the All-Star Game.

Which is an honor because A-Rod is great, but.....

Crede is no A-Rod ... thank goodness

So it's awesome, because Crede deserves a world of respect for his comeback, which you are epitomizing by saying he's backing up an awesome player at the All-Star game, an awesome player whom, as your title states, you are glad Crede is nothing like.

It has come to my attention that several readers have developed migraines upon reading these things Morrissey has said. Remember, friends, don't kill the messenger!

If the Sox are smart, they will work something out with Crede.

If the Sox are smart, they would realize that having a pretty good 3B prospect at AAA that has already proven he has a future at the big league level would merit passing on Crede, an overrated player that is guaranteed to demand more than he is worth as a free agent, no matter how much he is worth at season's end.

But I mean, he couldn't lift his kids 13 months ago, so eh, I dunno Morrissey, what do you think? The evidence in both directions is astounding!

The All-Star selection would seem to be proof that his formerly aching back isn't an issue.

Again, we've had this discussion. Jason Varitek was an All-Star. He is hitting .218/.299/.354. What. The. Fuck. Is. Your. Point. Question. Mark?

Aside from a first half uncharacteristically filled with errors, he has been a rock at third base.

::reads sentence again to make sure that he isn't dreaming.::

Aside from a first half uncharacteristically filled with errors, he has been a rock at third base.

This might be the stupidest sentence I have ever read.

Okay readers, I can't do this one justice. We'll turn this over to you. What would be the funniest line to write here? Make it in the form of "Aside from _______, (something) has been (phrase basically saying (something) has been good)."

Here's an example. "Aside from all the holes in the bottom, this plastic bag has been great for containing water." You guys are creative, I trust you'll make them good! FireJay bloggers, get in on this one as well!

BACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACK........ GAWWWWWNNNNNNN!

Wow. What the fuck. I just rewatched pieces and parts of last year's home run derby, which was being shown on ESPN2. Of all the annoying things Chris Berman does, I think I have a new favorite: his referencing of local cities/landmarks when describing how far a home run went. During a total of maybe twenty minutes worth of HR derby, I think I heard him awkwardly drop in about fifteen Bay Area points of interest. Not once was it funny. Not once was it clever. Not once did it add to my enjoyment of the festivities. Which begs the question- assuming he's commentating tonight, what NYC-area locations will he blurt out? Follow along at home, and see how many you catch!

-Statue of Liberty!
-Empire State Building!
-Times Square!
-Central Park!
-Ellis Island!
-Staten Island/Manhattan/Brooklyn/Queens!
-Laguardia/JFK!
-Mount Vernon!
-White Plains!
-Union City!
-Yonkers!
-Connecticut!
-Harlem/East/Hudson River!
-THE ATLANTIC OCEAN!
-CANADA!
-OUTER FUCKING SPACE!

I bet he hits at least 10, maybe 12 of those.

Also- I'd like to take this opportunity to mention two blogs that are pretty fucking awesome. The first might already be familiar to a few of you- it's BenGoodFella's blog The Bottom of the Barrel, and it's very well done. I think he does more work for it on his own than our entire "staff" of six writers does for this piece of crap. And it's funny, too. So basically... it's better than this blog. Damn.

The second is a little more random. I only found it by looking at all the sites that have linked us in the last month via Google Analytics. It only has six total posts, hasn't been updated since June 18th, and doesn't even allow outside comments. But in spite of its anonymity and relative lack of content, it fucking rules. It's called Fire Michael Ryan Gebhardt. Who's that guy? Just read it and find out. And if you're out there reading this, "The Jackal," please please please update your blog more regularly. This MRG dude sounds like a real zero- don't tell me you can't bait him into emailing stupid shit to you more often than once every three weeks.

That's all I've got for now. I'm off to HACKENSACK! in hopes of catching a home run tonight. Hey, if any of you regular readers or commenters have a blog that you think is better than ours, email a link to firejaymariotti@gmail.com. If it's any good I'd be happy to link it in a post like I did for these two guys.

I'm Just Now Starting To Understand the Depth of Jay Mariotti's Ability to "Windsock"

By windsocking, I mean the phenomenon Chris W described in the comments section of the last Mariotti post I did. When popular opinion seems to be going one way, Jay must take the opposite stance. Bears fans think their team has a shot this year? Fuck you, Bears fans. The Bears will be lucky to win five games. Cubs fans feeling down in the dumps about a losing streak? Fuck you, Cubs fans. The Cubs are the greatest and classiest organization in baseball. White Sox fans think Ozzie Guillen is for the most part taking their team in the right direction? Fuck you, White Sox fans. Your team hasn't even won a game since July 2, 2006. And so on and so on.

But here's the caveat- with the exception of the Ozzie thing, on which is mind is pretty much made up, all of these stances are 100% susceptible to being reversed in the event that popular opinion begins to reflect what Jay has been thinking. The example from that post was their acquisition of Rich Harden. As Chris said- basically, before the Cubs got Harden, that was what they needed to do in order to make a run and you were a crazy person if you thought they had a shot in the postseason without him. Once the Cubs went out and got Harden, however, Jay was the first to point out that he had some possible lingering injury problems and there was no point in counting on him to contribute in October. And so on and so forth.

So why did I write this lengthy introduction? Because I'm an egotistical blowhard, for one thing. But I'm also getting to the point of this post. If you click the "Jay Mariotti" on our sidebar, here are some of the things you'll find on the first page that Jay has said about the White Sox. (And this is just in the last six months or so.)

-...the Sox, firmly the distant No. 2 baseball team again in the nation's third-largest market...
-Hate to be cynical about Ken Williams' belated offseason attempt to redeem himself, but acquiring Nick Swisher only assures the Sox of one thing: They're a little better than the Kansas City Royals.
-Consider it one more reason, along with the extension given to Ozzie Guillen, that the Sox are locked in as Chicago's second-class ballclub for years to come. ("It" being the fact that they gave a new contract to broadcaster Hawk Harrelson. Apparently, to Jay, nothing screams "organizational measuring stick" like the guy behind the TV microphone. That explains why the Yankees have been so good for so long.)
-The Sox are easy to loathe.
-The Sox can crow all they want about their World Series title, how they beat the Cubs to the holy grail. At least the Cubs still own their dignity as a Chicago institution...
-The team with no class almost spun a no-hitter. (Gavin Floyd, back in early May)
-This weekend at the Palmer House Hilton, snarling fans will continue a Soxfest tradition. They'll demand straight answers from general manager Ken Williams, who would have more fun sleeping naked at Wrigley Field in a snowstorm. They will ask why he left the rotation filled with craters, why he whiffed badly on Torii Hunter and Miguel Cabrera and why he keeps talking about a championship when finishing .500 seems like a -- cue the silly Hawkeroo -- ``stretch, stretch, stretch.''

This sample represents less than 1% of all the bad things Jay has ever said about the White Sox. So then, knowing how he loves this "windsocking" thing, I guess his article from Friday's Sun-Times (as a policy, we don't link him anymore, you'll have to find it yourself if you need the original for some reason) shouldn't come as much of a surprise.

Unfairly Snubbed, Sox Deserve Much Better

Especially from that nasty ol' Chicago media. Why can't they just support the hometown team?

Dadgum, Hawkeroo. Would you believe the records are nearly identical now? In fact, when weighing the difficulty quotient of playing in the superior league, the White Sox actually are having a better season than the charmed, beloved, gush-and-goo Cubbies.

Whom Jay has been gushing and goo-ing over for a good two months now.

Where this uprising came from, I don't know,

I have a theory about one such possible source.

and where it's going, I can't say.

I have a theory about which way you want it to go.

But "Sox In The City" is a boffo hit.

Please don't use pop culture references like that. Or obscure adjectives like that. Or awkwardly shoehorn the name of a team into a dissimilar entity such as a TV show like that.

Not that anyone is noticing.

That has to be an attempt at baiting. It has to be.

Grasping for respect as always, clutching the inferiority complex that never ends in a town that never changes, the Sox are dealing with a relentless trail of dissing that, admittedly, doesn't seem fair.

Damn you, Sox haters. If only Jay Mariotti could figure out who you were, he'd give you a piece of his mind.

They have one of baseball's elite pitching staffs,

I seem to remember hearing something about a rotation filled with craters.

yet none of their pitchers was named to the American League All-Star team.

This is the fault of popular opinion about the team, and has nothing to do with Terry Francona or the player vote.

They launched a crazy/mad campaign pushing the very deserving Jermaine Dye for the final All-Star roster slot, yet he finished second Thursday to Tampa Bay darling Evan Longoria, whose statistics fall shy of Dye's.

1. That's barely true.
2. Dye finished second in a five man race, and he beat out a Yankee. If you have a brain, you should be able to tell that that is reflective of an enormous amount of support.

The Sox will send merely two players to Yankee Stadium, upstart Carlos Quentin and warrior Joe Crede,

The Rays and Angels are only sending three each. The Phillies and Mets are only sending two.

while the Cubs had a whopping seven players named to the National League club, including two (Kosuke Fukudome and injur ed Alfonso Soriano) who belong only as hot dog vendors.

The Cubs have a larger national fan base. Again, not too hard to figure out if you have a brain.

And worst of all? Attendance on the South Side, a traditional Sox bugaboo that should be a non-issue after a World Series championship, is becoming a story again. Despite their success, the Sox rank 18th among the 30 big-league teams with a 28,915 average, down 4,225 bodies a game from last year and a revealing 7,596 fans from 2006.

Attendance numbers in today's game are largely driven by pre-season ticket sales. Therefore there's a strong one year lag effect on those numbers. (That's why the defending NL champion Rockies can be one of the worst teams in the league and still be on pace to draw more fans than they have in six years.) The 2005 Sox won 99 games and the Series but only drew 2.3 million fans, largely because the 2004 Sox stunk. The 2006 Sox were good, but didn't make the playoffs and weren't in first anytime after May. Yet they nearly drew 3 million, mostly because of the 2005 title and subsequent preseason purchases. The 2007 Sox still drew 2.7 million, because the 2006 Sox won 90 games. The 2008 Sox, even if they win the division, probably won't even crack 2.5 million, because the 2007 Sox stunk. But if they do indeed make the postseason, I would wager that the 2009 Sox (regardless of how their season goes) end up back in the 2.8/2.9 area.

This is a long way of saying that I wish Jay Mariotti had never gotten into journalism, and instead grown up to be a garbageman.

The company line blames gas prices,

Probably not true, but whatever.

but last I looked, the Sox primarily draw within 25 miles of U.S. Cellular Field and don't remotely compare to the Cubs as a regional attraction. When it's easier to find a parking space in the Loop than a Cubs ticket -- attendance already is nearing 2 million on the North Side, compared to 1.3 million at The Cell --

2007 White Sox, 4th place. 2007 Cubs, division champs.

I safely can conclude the obvious once again.

The smugness is just oozing off the computer screen, isn't it? That's what makes this so much fun. Sentences (or clauses, or whatever the hell you want to call it) like that are the reason I still enjoy writing for this blog 15 months after it started. No matter how obvious it is that they are wrong about something, leave it to jackassed sports journalists to "safely" conclude the opposite. It's beautiful.

Even in a year when both teams could win division titles, the Cubs own this town like, well, Batman owns Chicago in "The Dark Knight."

Gotham City is a fictional location that's mostly parallel to New York. And what is that "well" doing in there?

The Sox? No matter how much Ozzie Guillen yaps, Ken Williams preens and players make headlines by clashing in the dugout,

What kind of lowlife journalists are writing those headlines? Say something positive about those guys for once! Jay Mariotti is begging you.

they're still the other club in town, the afterthought, the alternative. Sometimes, it's very hard to like the people who run the Sox, but this summer, I don't mind acknowledging that I feel sorry for the entire operation. They deserve better, such as bigger home audiences.

At least he's consistent in identifying them as the Cubs' collective bitch. Still, here's an idea, Jay- how about they deserve better from you?

So why are fewer people showing up? The economy has some impact, sure, but perhaps there's also a burnout effect involving Guillen, Williams and their circus-like way of doing business.

We'll see just how burnt out people are in 2009 if the Sox finish 2008 like they've started it.

A day rarely passes without a Sox controversy, whether it's the federal investigation of a Dominican Republic scouting scandal or the argument Wednesday night between the level-headed Dye and volatile Orlando Cabrera. Personally, as long as the Sox are winning amid the disarray, I believe the fans should be pleased and flocking to ticket windows.

Jeez, this is creepy. Did someone from the Sox organization kidnap Jay's family and tell him they wouldn't be released until he said something nice about the team?

But they could be worn out by it all, waiting to spend ballpark money in August and September when the real drama plays out -- and not the ongoing Ozfest.

Possibly a worse/more shoehorned pop culture reference than "Sox and the City."

Later (this was my favorite part of the article)...

In campaigning for Dye, the Sox were creative to the point of lunacy.

Oh yeah? "Lunacy," you say? Well please, go ahead and tell me about all the madcap antics they pulled to try and get their guy into the All-Star game. Skywriting? Offering to pay off the other candidates to drop out of the race? Bizarre and confusing viral marketing? I can't wait to hear about the outrageous lengths they went to.

They had Guillen, players and coaches wear "Vote for J.D." t-shirts and stickers.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop right there. Let me catch my breath.





OK, I'm good. What else?

They posted messages on video boards across town.

That is completely bonkers. My computer's about to overheat just from copying and pasting the text into Blogger.

They flooded in-boxes of fans, making them eligible to win an autographed Dye jersey.

Never heard of anything like this before. Groundbreaking.

They even asked folks to support ex-Sox outfielder Aaron Rowand, who plays for San Francisco and was among five finalists for the last NL berth.

OK, and .... ?

This, too, defeats the purpose of trying to win an All-Star Game -- what if Rowand beat the AL with a home run?

So confusing. What is the point here? We followed this path to get here: Claim that the Sox did some crazy things to try to get Dye elected --> A list of those things, none of which was unorthodox at all --> Pointing out that the team also campaigned for one of their ex-players in the other league, which actually is kind of crazy but has nothing to do with Dye --> Complaining that that player might hit a game winning HR.

I think I'm just going to have to file this paragraph under "dumb" and leave it be. I can't parse it any more thoroughly than that.

The scheme officially went bonkers when the Sox hired a plane to display a banner: "Vote for JD: WhiteSox.com."

A-ha! My fault. They did do something a little wild. Not anywhere as cool as actual skywriting, but still a little out there.

This was done not in Chicago, but at Kaufmann Stadium in Kansas City. Huh?

Huh? I will give you one guess as to where the Sox were playing last Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Don't overthink it. Hey, if you wanted to get a message like that to its target audience, which plan do you think would work better?

A) Fly the banner over the out-of-town stadium in which the team is playing, enabling fans (who, since they're watching the game and therefore probably interested in getting Dye voted in) to see it on TV and subsequently go online and fill out some ballots.

or

B) Regardless of the fact that no games are taking place there until after the voting closes, damn the torpedoes and fly the banner over USCellular Field anyways. Hope that the grounds crew subsequently goes home and fills out thousands of ballots each.

It's a tough call.

In the end, like everything else, the Sox came up short on the marketing end.

If only they could get a little support from the media every once in a while.

"It's an honor to see as many votes as we all got, that's unbelievable," said Dye, who finished not far behind Longoria, the recipient of nine million votes. "Just great support from everyone, the fans and my teammates. I'm happy to get so much talk about it the last four days. I'm just happy to be mentioned."

Such is the Sox existence, of course. Snubbed and dissed, they're just thrilled when anyone notices.

Way to be a gracious loser, Jermaine. You pussy. Here are some facts I'd like to conclude the post with.

1) Things Jermaine Dye could have said about finishing second to Longoria, other than what's printed above: zero
2) "Zany"/"looney" things the Sox did to campaign for Dye: 0.5
3) Odds that Sox attendance will rise dramatically in 2009: extremely high
4) Size of White Sox fanbase, relative to the average MLB team: high
5) Things mentioned in this article that the Sox should legitimately be worried about: zero
6) Last time the Sox were any good: 7/2/06
7) Media member most responsible for disrespecting the Sox: guy who wrote this article, which is entirely about how the Sox don't get enough respect