It's Not That I Particularly Like Rick Morrissey...

...but this is a very good article. If every sports journalist could follow the lead Morrissey at least lays out in this article, this site might not exist.

Here's some highlights:

If you use swear words, as Guillen did, you might be referred to in the newspaper as "potty mouthed," a term that is so matronly, it's hard to know where to begin. If this keeps up, the Sox aren't going to need a manager, they're going to need a schoolmarm.

This is absolutely 100% true. In case you hadn't heard about the flap, AJ Pierzynski was on the Mike North sportstalk radio show on AM 670 in Chicago. AJ criticized manager Ozzie Guillen's decision to start backup catcher Toby Hall in the meaningless first game of the meaningless interleague series vs. the Cubs. Ozzie called in to confront AJ and North, and let drop a few "shit"s on live radio.

Some columnists in Chicago acted like this was a crime against humanity, the latest in Ozzie's various sins against the pure-hearted baseball loving public. I don't think Rick Morrissey or I are trying to say it's ok that Ozzie cursed on the airwaves, but the fact is, everyone who listens to sports talk radio has heard the word "Shit" before. It's also likely that most everyone who listens to sports talk radio has said the word "shit" before. Every baseball coach I've ever had has used the word "shit" before and I didn't respect them any less for it. So I guess what Rick Morrissey's trying to say here, and what I would echo, and will echo, is that it's not that big a deal.

Say what you will about the decline in decorum in American culture, but that's the way it is. You may say that this is sending the message that it's ok to say "shit" in casual conversation. But guess what: it is. When you reach a certain age (let's say, 18) it doesn't become a big deal. If the situation calls for it (say, you ding up your car on a lamp post, or drop a brick on your toe, or have some shithead catcher on your team question your judgment) you curse. And people generally understand.

Too bad the airwaves, FCC, and moral compass of the media is always harping on completely ridiculous, irrelevant shit. The whole Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction, for instance, was completely ridiculous. It was a fucking stupid publicity stunt, but to use that to completely enforce state sponsored censorship seemed to be an extreme. The party line "we must protect our kids from ever seeing tit again" seemed to belie a kind of accepted ignorance to the fact that football is a violent sport played by assholes. The fact that the NFL wants the Super Bowl, a collection of ruthless borderline criminals running into eachother (beautifully) at high speeds, to be a "family entertainment hour" despite the fact that it's hopelessly violent and mostly unappealing to the majority of women is underscored every year by nauseatingly saccharine half-time shows (even the most innocuous of which are always protested by clueless morons....see this year's phallic silhouette flap for proof) and "the commercials" (as in the ever-annoying "I only watch it for the commercials").

Meanwhile Roger Goddell and David Stern continue to bite the hand that feeds them, eschewing the fact that NFL and NBA's immense popularity in urban milieus (which separate the two leagues in the race for nationwide popularity and ad revenue and luxury box sales from the less popular-in-urban-areas MLB) comes largely from the "street cred" of the two leagues. David Stern is the biggest perpetrator of this shilling and shucking, basically spitting in the face of his urban audience with dress codes and ridiculous suspension policies in preference of the luxury box crowd. Goddell merely enforces a behavior code that seems predicated on suspicion of guilt---something that inevitably seems to vilify certain athletes while ignoring the fact that the league is mostly full of generally criminal ex-collegiates who inevitably lived a lawless life as college players, taking payoffs, showing up to class when they felt like it, and having sex in degrading ways with innumerable groupies. The fact that players like Michael Vick, Terrell Owens and Randy Moss are portrayed as some sort of outsiders, aberration, execptional assholes, and so on, instead of as the rule, while, paradoxically decent guys (who, in my opinion are the vast exception rather than the status quo) like Donovan McNabb and LaDainian Tomlinson are lauded for their being decent human beings---I guess what I'm trying to say is the league sort of acknowledges that most everyone is a scoundrel, but also singles out people for having bad attitudes. It really reminds me of a very funny Onion article about Ray Allen. This one, I mean.

Like, for example, remember Mark Chmura making that very public statement after the Packers's Super Bowl win that he wouldn't go to the White House to accept a congratulations from Clinton because of Clinton's "immoral behavior"...About a year later Chmura was arrested for statutory rape. He was, of course, inevitably acquitted when it was determined that all he did was take the 17-year old girl into the bathroom, lock the door, force her pants off and manually, and only manually, show her the meaning of tight end. Not to single Chewie out excessively, but I think this is a beautiful metaphor for sports journalism today. All the Schillings, Mariottis, Baylesses, and Dr. Z's of the world pointing a finger at the crumbums and ne'er-do-wells of the sports world with 4 fingers pointing back at them. Just saying.

But I digress. Morrissey says this better than I anyway. Let's let his words do the talking:

I'm not sure what's left for them anymore. No swearing. No off-color jokes. No having disagreements with teammates. And, please, whatever you do, no youthful indiscretions. Don't make mistakes as 18-year-olds that you will be spanked for again and again later. Don't dare do that because there's no statute of limitations on immaturity.


-----


I don't walk with my knuckles dragging behind me, nor can I make a side part with the hair on my back. But sometimes I squirm at what is happening in my profession. It's not that the blowhards are winning, which is bad enough. It's that the blowhards are commando Puritans on the lookout for sinners.

That's why a manager who swears or a figure-skating judge who cheats can get the same indignant treatment as the football player who gets arrested three times in less than two years. It's all the same. There's no distinction, just the same reaction: The humanity!


-----


All of this poor behavior among athletes arouses some of the writers—in a very pure way, of course. They can't have this sort of thing in society. Next thing you know, we'll be tolerating sports owners who don't shell out big bucks to bring winners to a town that so richly deserves them.

Give me turmoil, not because of the benefits to a controversy-starved columnist like me. Just to know that there's a pulse. That they care. I'll take that anytime over a group that toes the line.

Guillen cares. So do his players. The rest of it is silly stuff.

Not the best-written article I've ever read, nor is Rick Morrissey guilt-free when it comes to writing stupid bullshit, but credit where credit is due. It's a breath of fresh air to hear this thing outside the blogosphere (god, do I love that term) and as an added bonus, it's almost like you can hear him pretending to clear his throat whilst coughing "Mariotti! Mariotti!" after every sentence.

Kudos, Rick Morrissey. Now just try to refrain from writing more "The Cubs are more important than the White Sox" articles for about a month or so.

Stark's Top Ten Most Overrated

I really have a lot of work to do, but a friend of mine alerted me to a Jayson Stark article delineating who he thinks are the top 10 most overrated players in baseball. He thought the article was very well written. Obviously, I thought, Jayson Stark + opinion = sketchy. Sure enough, this is my study break

I by no means have a problem with everyone he listed, but a few of these are seriously awful.

First off, here's the definition of "overrated" according to Stark.

Overratedness -- like underratedness -- is all relative, remember. It's about perception. It's about illusion. It's about myths. It's about assumptions we tend to make about all kinds of players -- assumptions that sometimes turn out not to match up real well with a condition best described as "reality."

So the question I kept aspiring to answer as I wrote my book -- and as I wrote this companion column -- was this:

How does the perception of this player match up with the kind of player he really is (or was)?

Here we go.

No. 1 -- Barry Zito

Fine. He should be a #3 starter on a contender and is filthy rich now. I won't argue.

No. 2 -- J.D. Drew

It's like, when I clicked on the link, I thought, "please, please let J.D. Drew be on this list."

Nobody denies that Drew has massive talent oozing out of his eyebrows. You can tell because he entered this season as one of only 13 active players with a career slugging percentage over .500 and an on-base percentage over .390.

But now the bad news: Those other dozen players have made a combined 70 All-Star teams (and all have made at least two apiece). And Drew has made, well, zero.

I learn a lot from Jayson Stark. Mark Redman > J.D. Drew. Scott Podsednik > J.D. Drew.

If you're trying to make a case for a player being overrated, why are you citing his lack of All-Star game appearances? All-Star game appearances are evidence of a player being rated HIGHLY. If anything, this makes Drew underrated. That having been said, DONT EVER USE ALL-STAR GAMES AS EVIDENCE OF ANYTHING AGAIN. Travis Hafner and Francisco Liriano, the best hitter in the AL per plate appearance and pitcher per start last season, weren't on the All-Star team. And the game took place before either got hurt.

It sure is funny how all that talent has added up to just one 30-homer season, only one 100-RBI season, a .180 lifetime average in seven postseason series, no All-Star at-bats, nearly 400 games missed with a massive assortment of injuries and a $14 million a year paycheck. Let's just say this guy is realllly fortunate the Red Sox's great start has obscured his messy .169 average since April 21 -- because so far, the occupants of Fenway have been shockingly patient with him.

Speaking of patience, Drew has walked once in just over every 10 at bats. His batting average is bad, but he's still on-basing above the league median. When his bat gets luckier, the numbers will be more J.D. Drew-like. Poststeason series stats are ridiculously irrelevant. And oh, the paycheck thing. Let's do a comparison between someone that is not on this list and J.D. Drew

J.D. Drew: Career .303 EqA. Contract: 5 year/$70M
Carlos Lee: Career .275 EqA Contract: 6 year/$100M

Drew has especially been great in his recent career, posting EqA's of .335, .323 (limited time), and .305. He is a very good baseball player. I don't care what your batting average and All-Star games say.

No. 3 -- Andruw Jones

I'm not gonna argue. He's seen as a great defensive outfielder, and hasn't been above average by FRAA since 2003.

No. 4 -- Juan Pierre

Attaboy Starkie

No. 5 -- Bobby Abreu

Boy, do people love arguing about this fellow. Who can blame them?
The folks who only peruse Abreu's numbers don't just wonder what he's doing on this list. They wonder when he's getting inducted into the Hall of Fame. How multitalented is Bobby Abreu? Well, he does happen to be the only active player with a .300 career batting average, a .400 on-base percentage, 200 homers and 250 stolen bases. And his .909 career OPS tops the OPS of Sammy Sosa, Chase Utley, Derrek Lee and many, many, many other famed batsmiths out there.

Right. He's a great player.

But there sure are a lot of people who watched him in Philadelphia who think Abreu is the poster boy for an unquantifiable division of the All-Overrated Team -- players who mysteriously seem to be less than the sum of their spectacular numbers.

We'll put that subset of people living in that one American city into group A. The rest of the world (the sensibles, if you will) into group B.

When people battle me on this guy, I always sum it up this way: As great as Bobby Abreu can be, he lacks that all-important Derek Jeter gene. There is no voice in his head, screaming: "This ball has to be caught." Or: "That runner on third has to be driven in." In Philadelphia, where he was the centerpiece of the franchise, that one flaw showed up way too glaringly. Now, in New York, as the Yankees flounder, they're getting aggravated over the same stuff. Funny how that happens.

Look Stark, I don't know what to tell you. The Derek Jeter gene is recessive. Both of Abreu's parents were carriers, but Bobby just got unlucky.....or did he?

At the age of 7, Abreu showed tremendous talent. He would beat all the other kids in dodgeball. He would dive all over the place playing kickball. No one, and I mean NO ONE, could attack the monkey bars with as much intensity as this kid, boy lemme tell ya. And he had this mysterious gleam in his eye that made him look fierce, yet calm. One day, his parents asked him how he was able to perform so well. Bobby told them that there were voices in his head screaming at him to do his best at everything. His parents had heard enough. It was off to the child psychiatrist. After about a half year, the voices dissapeared and the gleam in his eye was gone. And that's the sad tale of how Abreu lost the phenotype of the Derek Jeter gene.

To all sportswriters who wonder why there are blogs making fun of the things you say, re-read what Stark just wrote. It enrages people who would love to have your jobs when you invent intangibles that make writing easy and devoid of any cogent analysis.

No. 6 -- Brian Giles

Remember back when Giles was a perennial 37-homer, 100-RBI, .600-slugging walk machine in Pittsburgh? What happened to that Brian Giles?
That one-time .600 slugging percentage didn't even make it to .400 last season -- and has submerged below .350 in 2007. And that quick, 37-homer bat mostly ropes balls the other way now -- leaving us with a guy who has as many homers this year as Kip Wells (one).

Not to suggest that Brian Giles isn't still a really useful player. Still cranks out tough at-bats and walks 100 times. Still gaps 35-40 doubles a year. But there's a difference between a star player and a useful player. And it's a difference that can propel a guy right onto an overrated list just like this one.

Based on the way you defined overratedness, there's really no major issue here. I would argue that not many people think he's a star player, though. and that most would agree that he is a very useful guy with power who gets on base. Based on the way you're arguing things, you could say anyone aging is overrated, just because they aren't as good as they were before. Giles is 36. He's past his prime. He's inevitably going to get worse.

No. 7 -- Alfonso Soriano

I kinda agree, just beacuse a guy as talented as Soriano should get on base more.

No. 8 -- Richie Sexson

Sexson and Adam Dunn fit into a category of overratedness I figured I'd better get to in this column someplace: Guys We Love Because They Can Pulverize A Baseball About 900 Feet.

I have no problem with the Richie Sexson argument. I have major issues with people saying that Adam Dunn is overrated. He consistently puts up 40 HR seasons while getting on base a lot. Just because of Dunn's low batting averages, he has become one of the most underrated players in the game.

No. 9 -- Bob Wickman

A little bit. I think people slam him too much, but a little bit. The 3.57 career ERA. He's underrated because

No. 10 -- Jeff Suppan

Agreed.

Again, why is Carlos Lee not on this list?

bill simmons cries his readers a river; unfortunately, he is unable to build a bridge or get over it

before i begin, two things-

first, danbob will be posting scarcely (if at all) for the next three weeks. but don’t worry, all you ladies out there in the “danbob’s groupies” fan club, he’s just on vacation! hell be back with his same sexy, witty commentary sometime in june.

second, this post will end up being extremely long. if you don’t want to read the whole thing, at least read these first 5 paragraphs (the stuff from before i even get into the simmons article). the point i’m making in them is very near and dear to me and if everyone who reads espn.com joined me in also making it to the sports guy (i email him about it pretty regularly), the world would be a better place. on the other hand, if you do want to read the whole thing but decide that because of its length a good way to do so is to print it out and read it on the toilet like simmons’ readers always tell him they do in his “mailbag” columns, you are weird. please stop coming here, or send me an email to justify this behavior. now for the show:


this is such a great, great day. as i stated in the comments section of my marty burns article from tuesday, i was eagerly anticipating this piece right here. from the moment that night when the #5 lottery envelope was revealed to contain that stupid smirking leprechaun in boston’s logo, i knew simmons would be delivering me a big juicy fastball of an article right down the middle of the plate sometime before the week was out. and he most certainly did not disappoint.

before i go into it, allow me to vent briefly about how STUPID it is for simmons to write as many columns as he does about the celtics. bill, i have bad news for you: no one cares. (see the first post ever on this blog for confirmation that i have felt this way for some time. well, since may 14th anyways.) here’s how i know:

i’m from denver, a city surprisingly full of transplants. its been growing very steadily for the last 20 years or so and thus has brought in a large number of people from california, texas, the east coast, even parts of the midwest. what this does, from a sports angle, is make my favorite local teams’ home games pretty agonizing to attend from time to time because the stadium/arena is packed with fans rooting for the visiting team. sure, they live in denver now, but they still identify with the teams they grew up cheering for. and they’re not afraid to show it.

ive been to rockies games with a crowd split close to 50/50 between their fans and the those of the visiting team. and we're not just talking about the cubs and braves, who have very large fan bases all over the country. were talking about the diamondbacks, padres, mariners, reds, astros, mets… even the marlins. and it doesn’t matter if those teams are struggling; they still get a pretty good turnout of transplanted fans at coors field. exact same thing goes for the nuggets. sure, there are tons of lakers fans anywhere you go. but ive been to games at pepsi center that featured oodles of bulls fans, heat fans (well before their title last year), sixers fans, timberwolves fans, and rockets fans. and again, this has happened even when the visiting team was having a down year. its something i’ve gotten used to.

but here’s the problem with simmons, explained in a simple story- this past december i made my way back to colorado from my current home in DC for the holidays. i wanted to catch a nuggets game and it just so happened they were playing the celtics during the week between christmas and new years. being an avid hater of boston’s teams, i prepared myself for the worst; legions of green shirted drunken idiots shouting “wicked awesome” and turning all their rs into ahs. but wouldn’t you know it- not only did the nuggets blow out the celtics that night, there was nary a masshole in sight. it was shocking. i’m not exaggerating just because i want to slam simmons and the celtics- it truly was one of the least-attended-by-fans-of-the-visiting-team rockies or nuggets games ive ever been to. and for what its worth, assuming that at least some of them are originally from boston, there’s no shortage of red sox fans in denver. i can promise you that based on a red sox/rockies game in went to in june 2004. it felt like i was watching the game in fenway park. so therefore i must conclude: NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE CELTICS. although it bugs me, i can tolerate espn’s overblown coverage of the yankees and red sox. i know tons of people care about that. and i can even deal with the disproportionate attention they give the lakers and cowboys. i guess. but simmons, the celtics? youre kidding yourself. start acting like a national sportswriter and report on something more than 2% of your readership gives a shit about. we know you hate doc rivers. we know you long for the days of kevin mchale and larry bird. but we are sick and tired of hearing about it once a month from november until june.

ok now on with the pity party.

Welcome to the next decade of discontent

that’s right, celtics fans- put the next 10 years in a metaphorical envelope, stick a stamp on it, and mail them in. there is no hope whatsoever that the celtics will ever be good during that span. only kevin durant or greg oden could have assured that outcome. we'd have been talking about at least 26 titles by 2017. but now, were talking about zero. probably no winning seasons. hell, they’ll be lucky to win a single game. might as well move the team to vegas- you’ve been there a few times, haven’t you bill?

In "Crimes and Misdemeanors," Alan Alda's character defines comedy as equaling "tragedy plus time." So eventually, I'll find the following story funny. Just not right now. But here's the story …

for anyone who hates simmons and the celtics like i do, the amount of time in question was almost zero seconds.

Tuesday afternoon, my father and I were watching ESPN's "2007 NBA Draft Lottery" special. The show started at 1:30 p.m. and ran for 90 minutes, causing Dad to sarcastically wonder, "Is anyone else watching this show right now?" even though he ended up watching the whole thing. He didn't seem to grasp the irony. Midway through the show, ESPN ran a feature on Chinese prospect Yi Jianlian, a 7-foot forward who moves reasonably well for a big man. Desperate for Yi tape that didn't have the grainy quality of the Zapruder film, ESPN showed footage from a recent workout in which Yi completed a series of drills against a trainer who couldn't have been taller than 5-foot-9. At one point, Yi posted up the tiny trainer, then whirled around, zoomed by the poor guy and dunked with his left hand.

"Whoa, he went right by that guy," Dad joked.

This made us giggle. After that, every time Yi made a jumper or beat an i’maginary defender off the dribble, we reacted like it was the Slam Dunk Contest.

Ooooooooooooh!

Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

that sounds hiiiigh-larious. also, i forgot to mention, bill- not only does no one care about the celtics, they also don’t care about your family and friends. not your dad, not the sports gal (although i admit, she can write a pretty decent pop culture column), not your daughter, not even your buddies j-bug and hench. yet sadly i get the feeling well be hearing about some, if not ALL, of the characters on that list before this article is done. welcome to sports guy’s world. i mean, do even big fans of simmons like hearing about these people? do they sit around wondering who hench picked in the 4th round of his fantasy football draft or whether or not the sports gal is a good driver?

After three minutes of workout highlights, Dad decided Yi reminded him of Brad Lohaus. It wasn't a compliment. Then, Chad Ford appeared via satellite and confessed that he was completely sold on Yi, maintaining that Yi's personality was different than overwhelmed foreign players from years past, even adding, "He lives in L.A. and attends premieres and parties, he's already living the life of an NBA star." Let's just say that we weren't too swayed. That was followed by the obligatory Nikoloz Tskitishvili reference -- after all, he's the worst-case scenario for any foreign pick, right? -- and some old-school Tskitishvili highlights while Chad talked. Finally, they threw it back to the studio where ESPN's experts, including former Nuggets GM Kiki Vandeweghe, who drafted Tschkivili over Amare Stoudemire four years ago (a decision that earned him a spot on this particular show), broke down Yi's game.

i can promise you that drafting tskitishvili is not the reason vandeweghe was let go by the nuggets. not only were the two events separated by more than 4 years, vandeweghe also drafted carmelo anthony, traded for kenyon martin (a good move at the time), signed andre miller, hired george karl, and traded for marcus camby. but sure. go ahead and take a shot at him. you probably wish you had his TV job.

It was a startling sequence. Ever decide before a Vegas trip that you're bringing a certain amount of cash (let's say $750) and maxing out your daily ATM limit ($500) no more than twice? It's called a "preemptive worst-case scenario." In other words, you determine beforehand that you're allowing yourself to lose only $1,750 and not a nickel more. For the rest of the weekend, that number hangs over everything. You've given yourself a salary cap for failure. Well, by the time they reached commercial, Dad and I had determined our preemptive worst-case scenario for the 2007 lottery: The Celtics dropping to No. 5, followed by Danny Ainge talking himself into Yi Jianlian.

ok, non-sarcastically, the celtics falling to no. 5 really actually was the worst case scenario. but then, to make drafting yi as part of said scenario? good point bill. clearly you know everything about him and whether or not he’ll be successful in the NBA based on a 5 minute TV spot. i think its safe to assume he will bust exactly like tschkitishvili did. when’s the last time a good NBA player came out of china?

Fast-forward to 10:30 Tuesday night: I'm sitting at the Four's with my buddies JackO and J-Bug.

where the hell was hench? wife probably had him by the balls and wouldn’t let him go out.

We had just arrived from Sully's Tap next door, which lived up to its reputation as the single most depressing bar in Boston. In fact, that's why we went there, because I asked Bug right after the lottery, "Take me to the most depressing bar in Boston" and he quickly responded, "Sullivan's Tap!" That's not a diss on Sully's --

sounds like it is. there is definitely a difference, at least in my mind, between a depressing bar and a dive bar. but this is bill’s sob story so i won’t hold this against him.

we love that place, it's everything a dive bar should be. But you'd never go there for the atmosphere. After watching the Celtics logo get pulled out of the No. 5 envelope, Sully's Tap felt like the perfect destination for a rebound beer.

In retrospect, any Boston bar would have worked because all of them were morbidly depressing. For all intent and purpose, professional basketball had just been murdered in the city of Boston.

i will not make a tactless point here about an actual player being murdered, which as we all know tragically happens from time to time. i will make this point though- remember when the baltimore colts packed up and moved to indy? or when the old browns went to baltimore? or when all those canadian/northern US hockey teams packed up and moved to places like charlotte, phoenix, and dallas? that, bill, is a sport being (sort of) “murdered” in a city. not dropping 3 spots in one of the deepest nba drafts in years. needless to say, the analogy is excessively hyperbolic. unless bill has some kind of magic future seeing machine that i don’t know about, how does he know the guy at #5 wont end up leading the celtics to playoff success? this is equivalent to a kid wanting a 15 speed bike for christmas, then throwing a fit and claiming the whole year is ruined because he gets a 10 speed.

Ever since Larry Legend's retirement, the Celtics had suffered one blow after another -- Reggie Lewis, Dave Gavitt, the Garden, M.L., Duncan, Pitino -- and just when things were finally turning around, our overmatched front office turned four first-rounders into two veteran bench players (one who played for the team for four months), then compounded the mistake by trading for a recovering alcoholic making max money. Ainge took over and blew up everything, fired the coach who took us to the 2002 Eastern Conference finals and embarked on a series of individually semi-defensible moves that had no correlation to one another. Within four years, we had the league's youngest roster, fans were openly rooting for losses (for lottery purposes) and the team was shamefully tanking down the stretch. Looking back, it was pathetic. We disgraced the game of basketball for a 38.7 percent chance at Oden or Durant. Not even 2-in-5 odds.

point #1- remember this paragraph. bill admits that the Celtics have made a very large number of terrible personnel decisions in the last 10 to 15 years. this will be important later on.

point #2- if it pleases the court, i would like to enter into evidence exhibit A: this article by mr. simmons, written and published on espn.com, 1st of february, 2007.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/070202_magazine

if you want to read the whole thing, you can. but it is best summed put by this two item list, immediately following the second paragraph in which simmons has explained that the sports world has been less than fun for him in the recent past thanks to the patriots losing to the colts in the afc title game and the red sox spending tons of money and thus becoming very yankee-ish:

Fortunately, I have two quests to keep me going:

1. Watching every televised game that features Greg Oden or Kevin Durant.

2. Rooting for the Boston Celtics to lose.

mr. simmons goes on to explain his thesis- that its ok to root for your team to lose as long as doing so will get them to a better place. obviously, in this case, he means by earning them a better chance at scoring one of the top two picks in the lottery. in the current pity party article (not the old one i just linked) simmons calls this behavior “disgracelful” and “pathetic”, but implicates celtics fans in general rather than himself. i’m going to go out on a limb and say that he is the number one most popular celtics fan/sports journalist on the planet. he called for this and thus it happened, i assume, to a pretty large scale. whether or not it was his idea in the first place is irrelevant. if hes going to bring up this subject (now, in hindsight) and tear down the team’s fanbase as a whole, he should apologize for writing an article which was published on a major sports website that made the concept sound like a good idea.

Things had fallen so far that those odds assumed a level of hope that exceeded the actual odds. Maybe because of the recent success of the Red Sox and Patriots, that perpetual optimism bled over. We had Pierce, we had Jefferson, we had a 38.7 percent chance at a franchise player. We were still alive, dammit! The Celtics were still alive!

whereas now, with joakim noah, al horford, or yes, even maybe yi jianlian, they are completely and totally dead.

Well, until 8:53 p.m. rolled around last night.

You can't even fathom the pain. Everyone believes Celtics fans get a free pass with this stuff because we won 16 titles in 30 years. Actually, it's the opposite. Long-suffering fans of perennial losers don't know what they're missing. After all, how would they know? You can't miss steak if you've never eaten steak, right? But if you're fortunate enough to follow a perennially successful franchise, then that same franchise starts decomposing right in front of you ... what then?

hey bill- remember that one time you wrote an entire fucking BOOK (to go along with a myriad of online columns) about the 2004 boston red sox and their world series victory? remember what that book was called? “now i can die in peace.” but bill, the sox hadn’t won a world series in almost 90 years! why would you THEN, after that championship, be able to die in peace? that would indicate that you were previously tortured by the sox and their futility. but you had never “had steak”! how could you miss it? why would memories of aaron boone or bill buckner or bucky dent haunt you? its not like you, as a fan, knew what winning a championship was like or something. where does this comment rank on bill simmons is a huge hypocrite scale? i say 9.2. actually, scratch that, i say 100 billion.

The Celtics used to mean something; now they don't. Anyone who remembers the good old days -- when the Garden was rocking, when we were always in the hunt, when you honestly believed that we'd win every close game because someone was looking out for us, when everyone else feared us -- can't come to grips with what's happened. We're like one of those child actors who peaked at 15, made a ton of money, had everyone kissing their ass for a few years and then everything went to crap.

if all that stuff inbetween the two sets of hypens is what a franchise needs to “mean something”, then i’m afraid that about 90% of pro teams out there are totally meaningless. by bill’s definition, it sucks to be a fan of… well, just about any team.

Well, you know what happens to famous child actors who become irrelevant? They go crazy. They go off the deep end. They chain-smoke, they do drugs, they get arrested, they look like hell, they disgrace themselves on "The Surreal Life" or "Celebrity Fit Club" because they're so desperate to be famous again.

say that to vanilla ice’s face. i dare you. he will destroy the area surrounding you and possibly you as well.

And these things happen because they're still trapped in the past and waking up every day wondering, "What the hell happened? I used to be living the high life!" Basically, every Celtics fan older than the age of 25 has turned into Macaulay Culkin. And the ones younger than 25 can't even remember what they're supposed to be missing.

when the denver broncos eventually start sucking for a period of time in the next 10 years, i hope i don’t start acting like macaulay culkin. i hope that i can take it in stride, saying to myself, “well, this was bound to happen, they were well above average for about 15 years there… sports are cyclical, i’m sure they’ll be back on top sometime soon.” but this is probably only empty hope. odds are i'll end up like simmons and shit my pants in frustration when they win a meaningless week 17 game in 2016, accidentally moving up from #2 to #5 in that year’s draft and missing out on the greg oden of quarterbacks. or is that the yi jianlian of quarterbacks?

So when the Celtics got crushed last night, you could feel it everywhere you went. You could feel the pain. You could. Even a normally gregarious sports bar called The Four's felt like it had been rented out for an Irish wake. When JackO, the Bug and I grabbed three seats at the bar, I was still in complete shock. I looked like Brady Quinn after Ted Ginn Jr. went No. 9 in the draft, crossed with Tim Duncan after Derek Fisher made the miracle shot in the 2004 playoffs, crossed with Andy Van Slyke after the Francisco Cabrera single, crossed with Mark Cuban during Game 6 of the Warriors-Mavs series.

first semi-clever reference of the article. i like this one, especially because i don’t really care for all those “making the face” guys except for Cuban. still… YOU MOVED DOWN THREE LOUSY SPOTS. at least you’re not a suns fan. they were slated to get the hawks’ pick as part of an old trade, as long as it wasn’t in the top 3. there was a 75% chance of this desirable outcome happening. the pick wouldn’t have been lower than #7 and could have been as high as #4. instead, because the hawks jumped to #3, the suns were left with exactly nothing. granted, they will get atlanta’s first round pick next year no matter what. but the hawks will probably be better and may not even be in the lottery (a long shot, but it could happen). meanwhile, in phoenix, steve nash is a year older and amare stoudemire and shawn marion can’t get along. i think the suns got screwed much worse. in fact, i know the suns got screwed much worse- just look at the damn odds. from having a 38% chance of getting #1 or #2, and then dropping to #5, vs. having a 75% chance of getting #4, 5, 6, or 7 to having nothing. quit whining bill.

I couldn't get past what happened -- how everything was going so well, how all the envelopes were coming up in order, and then that improbable moment when the Bucks popped up at No. 6, followed by the traumatic realization that …

A. Three teams had jumped Milwaukee into the top three.
B. The Celtics were in the next envelope.
C. Four straight months of rooting against my own team had gone for naught.

it makes me even happier to realize that he was thinking this as i was celebrating the fact that i would be writing this post. to be fair, even if boston had won the lottery ended up #1, i would still have planned to rip on him when he wrote a column about how the celtics were saved and everything was lining up for a decade of dominance. but this is more fun.

I couldn't get past seeing that Bucks logo, or the unexpected crotch punch of Brandon Roy (who could have been ours last summer if we swapped picks with Minnesota over making the moronic Telfair trade) cheerfully accepting the No. 1 pick on Portland's behalf, or even my 59-year-old father slumped against the side of the sofa like a gunshot victim. It was too cruel, all of it, the whole thing. I wasn't handling it well. For the past hour, my friends were trying to cheer me up by kidding that we could still get the Chinese guy at No. 5. It became a running joke of sorts. I even cracked a half-smile at one point.

i’m sure it looked as smarmy as your columns are. also, see my previous comments on what some actual bad things to happen to a franchise are: team moving, player dies, losing championship game in a painful manner, etc.

Which brings us to the aforementioned Alan Alda moment …

Patrick the Bartender (one of the greats) stopped by for some Ping-Pong ball commiseration and offered the obligatory "Christ, what do we do now?" question. It lingered in the air like a stale fart. None of us knew what to say. Finally, the Bug lightened the mood by responding, "Whaddya think about rolling the dice with the Chinese guy at 5?"

oh j-bug. you know how to push all the right buttons. i wish bill would write about your crazy misadventures more.

And Patrick the Bartender responded in all seriousness, "If he's still there."

If he's still there.

In the span of two hours, I'd gone from dreaming about Greg Oden or Kevin Durant saving the Celtics to Patrick the Bartender earnestly wondering whether the Chinese Brad Lohaus would be available at No. 5. If he's still there. Eventually, those four words will be funny. Just not right now. Comedy equals tragedy plus time.

ive already addressed this like three times. i hope yi is available at #5, the celtics pass on him, and then yi goes off for a triple double against them every time they cross paths throughout his career.

The thing that really kills me? I thought we were going to win. I really did. I was feeling it.

Yesterday in downtown Boston, the sun was shining and the sky seemed especially blue. Dad and I walked through the park in Boston Common on our way to lunch and I remember saying, "What a nice day, something good is going to happen." It felt like having a baby all over again -- I just wanted to get it over with, and whatever happened, I knew my life would never be the same. This was different than a Super Bowl or a deciding World Series game because the next 15 years of the franchise hung in the balance; as strange as this sounds, the stakes were higher. So I found myself looking for signs all day. For instance, when our bill for lunch came, I left a $17 tip, then realized after the fact, "Hey, 17, that's a good sign, we're going for our 17th title!" I'm not saying this was rational. Just trying to explain my mood at the time.

1. no one cares about the fact that you have a kid. you’ve copulated with a woman, who conceived and bore your child. welcome to nature.

2. way to flaunt the fact that you leave large tips. assuming bill tips 15-20%, and he was eating with just his dad, that’s about a $50 per person lunch. “oooooh! i’m bill simmons and i’m rich!” man, i’m getting pretty childish here. but still… give us a different example from this superstitious day, you pompous ass.

We headed back to Dad's house, watched the lottery show and decided on a pay-per-view movie to kill two hours (and some nervous energy). We were leaning toward "The Good Shepherd" until we realized it was 168 minutes. Dad didn't want to see "Bobby." Both of us agreed that "Children of Men" was too depressing.

children of men was awesome, and somewhat uplifting at the very end. sort of. it’s a great movie, just wanted to throw that out there.

No, we needed an action movie. We needed to see things blow up. I pushed hard for "Déjà Vu" because you can always count on Denzel, even in the worst possible movie. He's like KG that way. Dad agreed. We bought the movie.

It took us a solid hour to realize our mistake: Not that we rented a bad movie, but that we rented a movie named "Déjà Vu" 10 years after the Duncan lottery. I don't know if this was the dumbest suggestion I've ever made in my life, but it's definitely in the top five. I inadvertently filmed my own Bad Idea Jeans commercial. After playing the karma card perfectly all week, I self-destructed at the worst possible time.

i love being superstitious about sports, but this is taking it waaayyyyyy too far. sports gal, you’re a lucky lady. also, sweet bad idea jeans reference.

A few hours later, we were renting "Déjà Vu" all over again ... only this time, it was for the next 10-12 years. See, out of any professional league, luck matters most in the NBA. You need to get lucky with Ping-Pong balls. You need to get lucky with draft picks. You need to get lucky with your GM and your coach. You need to make lucky trades that work out.

this is staggeringly dumb. minus the ping pong balls part, you just described every single goddamn professional sport on the planet. this is like saying “my hometown is the best town in the world. we have buildings, and people live there, and its on earth.” true, the ping pong balls do make for an extra “luck factor” sometimes. but they don’t even affect more than half the teams in the league, including every team on the verge of winning a championship.

furthermore, i would argue that luck matters the LEAST in the nba compared to other sports because each team has so few players! all you need to go from terrible to great is three, two, or on rare occasions even ONE guy! that’s it! one or two lucky free agents… one or two lucky trades… one or two lucky draft picks, or some combination of those three things, and suddenly you’re a contender. meanwhile, putting together a championship football or baseball team requires tons of lucky moves. especially in football, with the salary cap the way it is and teams at 50+ players, once you get good you have to get extraordinarily lucky just to keep your core guys together for more than two or three years. nevermind managing their surrounding cast through the draft, free agency, and trades, or the coaching staff. simmons, you’re just not making any sense. why don’t you go write for an entertainment site about your favorite 80s movies and tv shows and stop bothering sports fans?

The Spurs were lucky when they landed Duncan. The Bulls were lucky when the Blazers took Bowie. The Lakers were lucky that Shaq wanted out of Orlando and Kareem wanted out of Milwaukee. Miami was lucky that Wade fell to 5. Washington was lucky that they saved cap space for a summer in which Arenas became a free agent. Phoenix was lucky that Dallas cut ties with Nash. Luck, luck, luck. You can make your own luck to some degree, but still, you need to be lucky.

the cardinals were lucky when they drafted pujols. the colts were lucky when they hired tony dungy. the carolina hurricanes were lucky none of their players got accidentally run over by the zamboni guy during the stanley cup finals. and so on and so on. this is out-effing-rageous.

Ever since the summer of '86, for nearly 21 years and counting, the Celtics have been wildly, comically, irrationally unlucky.

remember that part i told you to remember way back up there where simmons was listing all the really dumb, non luck-based, things the Celtics have done since bird retired? try copying and pasting them together in the same document with this sentence and then reading the two parts back to back a bunch of times. your head might explode.

That's an exceptionally long time. Maybe we didn't fully realize the ramifications of losing a potential franchise player in '97, but we certainly realize them now. We're back to Square 1. We're sentenced to another decade of quick-fix plans, risky trades and dumb free agent signings. We're looking at another decade of excuses, spin control and hyperbole. We're headed for another decade in which the Sox and Pats are Michael, and Sonny and the Celtics are Fredo. It's basketball déjà vu.

i need to borrow his crystal ball so i can find out whether or not its worth it to keep following the bad teams i like. that would make my life a lot less stressful.

Maybe they can snap out of it. Maybe. Still, I can't shake the image of my 59-year-old father slumped against the sofa as Brandon Roy was happily shaking hands with everyone in Secaucus. The last time we won an NBA title, my dad was one year older than I am right now.

the last time my favorite NBA team won a title was never. my dad was zero then. same (or substitute “a really long time ago” for never) goes for the fans of many teams in every sport. that’s how it works. you and your dad have absolutely nothing to complain about. good thing you are so full of yourself and shortsighted that you cant see that, and subsequently write articles i can tear apart.

Time flies when you're a sports fan. Last night, Dad looked as wistful as Karl Malone during the 2004 Finals when the Lakers were falling apart. See, you only have so many chances in life. The older you get, the more you appreciate those chances.

and now your team has a chance to make a top 5 pick in a fantastic NBA draft. should they focus on making that pick as wisely as possible, or cry over spilled milk and forfeit it because it "doesn’t matter" anyways? hopefully the celtics front office operates differently than bill does, or they actually ARE in trouble.

"Hey, at least we have the Sox and Pats," I told him.

good, bill, you're absolutely right. tell this sob story to sports fans in buffalo or cleveland. see how sorry they feel for you about your terrible misfortune.

Dad nodded glumly. We waited for him to say something profound. We waited for him to put the night in perspective. After all, that's what older people do. They inject wisdom at the perfect time, right?

"That sucked," he finally mumbled. "That really, really sucked."

And then some.

what a sweet ending for such a sweet column. my day is officially made. thank you bill, thank you espn, but most of all, thank you david stern for rigging the draft to keep the celtics out of the top two. at least, that’s what i assume happened. i’ve bled myself dry here- i really don’t have anything left. ill try to end on a high note- once the draft is over, simmons probably wont be writing about the celtics for at least 5 months! hooray! until then, keep three things in mind-

1. if your team wins a ton of championships and then becomes bad for a while, you have more right to complain than someone who is a fan of a team that never wins championships.
2. bill simmons is a gigantic hypocrite (see #1)
3. we already know with 100% certainty that yi jianlian is terrible at basketball and is going to flop in the NBA, so don’t draft him.

the end.

attn: "readers"

Just so there is no mistake, we are part of the "blogosphere."

Also: we live in our parents' basements.

That is all.

True Yankee Alert!

Scott Miler of Sportsline has this to say in his blog:

What must manager Joe Torre have been thinking in the fifth inning of Saturday's game when second baseman Robinson Cano made a lazy, half-hearted throw to first base after fielding Shawn Green's grounder -- and was stunned when Green beat it out? Hint: Whatever it was Torre was thinking, we'll never know. You want to debate whether Alex Rodriguez is a True Yankee? As great as Cano has been, that's not the nonsense True Yankees ever pulled.

For a moment, Scott had me confused. Capitalizing True Yankee made me think that he was parodying the term after the mention of A-Rod... but the the last sentence convinces me otherwise.

For comparison's sake, let's look at a famous True Yankee, who played his balls off and became so good at Playing the Right Way that he even got to manage the Yankees. Conveniently, he plays the same position as Mr. Cano. Meet Billy Martin. Upon looking up his numbers, I was astounded at how below-average they are. His career OPS+ is 81, and he never had a season over 93. Robinson Cano, in only two seasons, has already managed a season at 132.

Yet if you ask any Lallis on the street, I'm sure Martin is a True Yankee and Cano is not. Apparently, becoming a True Yankee doesn't require greatness. It requires two things: 1. the ability to throw the ball hard from second to first, and 2. a Napoleonic complex.

wouldn't it be hilarious if stuff like this were the rule, rather than the exception?

a footnote from the latest baseball notes column by foxsports.com's ken rosenthal:

http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/6834288

And finally, please allow me to correct a misstatement that I made on Saturday's Mets-Yankees broadcast. I said that if the Yankees wanted a new manager, perhaps they should turn to Vasco de Gama and search for the Fountain of Youth. As any young history student knows, I confused Vasco de Gama with Ponce de Leon.

The sad part is, history was one of my stronger subjects in school. I apologize to any of my former teachers that I might have disgraced and anyone else who might have been offended by my contribution to the dumbing-down of America. That's the last time I'll talk about explorers!

wow. thats a pretty tough reference to make correctly. (no sarcasm.) im only about 6 or 7 years removed from studying this kind of stuff in high school, and while i knew it wasnt de gama looking for the fountain i definitely did not remember that it was de leon. what im saying is, dont beat yourself up, ken. thats a pretty tough factoid to spit out at a moment's notice and i bet the mistake slipped by a huge chunk of viewers who heard it that night.

anyways, the funny thing here is: you never hear this kind of retraction and apology from idiots like tim mccarver. what if every time he screwed up a guy's name, team's history, or made an incredibly awkward/terrible reference, ol' timmy later apologized for it? what a strange paradox- he'd spend so much time retracting and apologizing, would he even have any left over in which to make more mistakes? but if he didnt make any more mistakes, he wouldnt have to retract or apologize for anything and would then have more time to make mistakes... wow, this is messed up. did i just figure out a way to make tim mccarver collapse inwards on himself and disappear? lets hope so. now all i need to do is write a letter to fox's mlb department about this matter.

Chicago Baseball Fan Ignorance

This isn't about a member of the sports media, and I apologize for the seeming irrelevance, but I've just never been more confused and shocked in my life. Some guy behind me at the A's/White Sox game last night offered up this little side commentary (talking loudly the entire game, I might add)

(David Aardsma is pitching)

"This Aardsma guy, he's been having problems lately. If he has one more bad outing like the ones against the Cubs over the weekend, he'll be going straight to Triple-A"

OK....so this guy knows things about the White Sox and their series against the Cubs. The Triple-A thing is pure exaggeration, but the point is, he seems to follow the team, and more importantly for the purposes of this next part, is familiar with playing games against the Cubs.

(Pablo Ozuna has made 2 awful defensive plays in the field at 3B recently in the game, then fields an easy one right before this comment)

"Now, I like this Ozuna guy a lot better in the infield than in the outfield. Kinda like that guy....Soro....Sorano.....ah how do you pronounce it.....he's with Washington or something. Used to be a second baseman. Now they've got him playing the outfield."

ASFJAWEFOI;J3F'AWFAW'EFAWE'FWEFJA'WEGAWEJWEGWGAWEGSGSDNGMASDF

This Guy Is Obviously Not A Journalist

I just read this article, where a man with a PhD lays out the argument for the 2007 Hall of Fame ballot. It calmly and clearly illustrates a system based on win shares, and compares it to the elections of the last ten years.

What I like about it is this: it clearly explains why human beings like Dave Parker belong in a very elite category of good baseball players, but why human beings with stats like Dave Parker do not belong in what should be the most elite category of baseball players... the Hall of Fame. I feel like I'd always said to myself that Dave Parker didn't belong in the HOF thanks to his measly 339 career home runs. Now I have proof that I was not discriminating against you, Dave Parker, or any of the other borderline candidates for the Hall.

Dave Parker had this to say in 2006:

"There were a couple of years where my numbers probably weren't what they should have been. But for the majority of those 10 years, from 1975 to '80, I was probably the best player in the game.... I should be in the Hall of Fame. Ain't no doubt about it."

Dave, Michael Hoban and I do have doubts about it. Congratulations on your 1978 NL MVP and all, but your status as window-gazer places you exactly where you belong. Why you ever got as much as 24% of the vote baffles me.

This article, also by Mr. Hoban, lays out an argument about Derek Jeter's fielding. It is calmly laid out, supported at every turn with factual and statistical analysis, and makes the obvious case that the Gold Glove awards (in particular Jeter's 2004 prize) are meaningless.

The article quotes Derek Jeter: "

But I couldn't really care less what some mathematical equation comes out with." "How do you rank defensive shortstops?" Jeter said. "I don't see how a formula can evaluate how somebody plays.

I'm sure Derek understands how formulas evaluate how people play: his batting average routinely evaluates some aspect of his performance. He's just happy because he's quite good at a performance-evaluating category that people can understand (well, it only involves one math operation) and that people are so pleased with his performance in that category that they award him things in other categories.


The larger point is: Michael Hoban, PhD and 35-year professor of mathematics, is better at writing a simple and effective argument than the vast majority of those who are paid - most likely more than a professor - to do exactly that. The problem with baseball journalism is that it can be produced by people in other occupations in their spare time (for example, Michael Hoban)... and the quality of their journalism is as good, and often better, than that of the men who are paid to analyze and report on the game.

marty burns has been paying too much attention to what we write

not to be outdone by new fjm fan jeff pearlman, (that is the first and only time i will namedrop him... but yes, oh yes, jeff pearlman does indeed read this site) cnnsi.com's nba writer marty burns has quickly jumped on the firejaymariotti bandwagon. considering that one of our favorite complaints to make here is that sportswriters constantly write bombastic, outrageous, and completely over-the-top nonsense, how else would you explain this comically un-controversial and painfully non-analytical nba draft lottery piece?

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/writers/marty_burns/05/22/lottery/index.html

Little luck goes a long way

Chance to draft Oden just part of lottery's high stakes

you mean oden isnt the only player out there teams might be interested in drafting? who the hell is writing these headlines? do they know anything about basketball? based on all the college basketball i watched this past winter, i would say greg oden is the one and only player available who can help a team next year. i guess i didnt watch any foreign basketball, so there could be decent guys available from overseas... but i doubt it.

Forget the playoffs. For fans of the Grizzlies, Celtics, Bucks, Hawks and most of the other NBA also-rans, the moment they have been waiting for since the end of the regular season has finally arrived.

The NBA will hold its annual draft lottery at 8:30 EST Tuesday night, and this year's event is one of the most anticipated in years.

This time we're not talking about a Bogut, Bargnani or (Kwame) Brown.

This time we're talking about a No. 1 pick who can really make a difference --if the scouts are right about Ohio State's Greg Oden and Texas' Kevin Durant.

"the scouts" ranted and raved about bogut, bargnani, and brown and how they would "really make a difference" if "they" were right. "they" do that about at least one guy every single year. i know its all relative, and that oden and durant are regarded as much better prospects than any of those 3 guys. but to pretend like this is the first draft in years with a potential "real difference maker" is silly.

"We've got two players who stand head and shoulders above the others," said Grizzlies president Jerry West, whose team will have the best chance of landing the top pick. "It could be a franchise-altering experience."

starting with 2005 and moving backwards, heres the names of two players drafted in each of the previous 10 years: deron williams/chris paul; dwight howard/andre igoudala; lebron james/carmelo anthony; yao ming/amare stoudemire; joe johnson/zach randolph; mike miller/quinten richardson (ok so 2000 sucked, but stay with me); shawn marion/ron artest; dirk nowitzki/paul pierce; tim duncan/tracy mcgrady; allen iverson/kobe bryant. boy, i dont know jerry... are you sure you want to go out on a limb and say that the draft could be a franchise altering experience for a couple teams? lets not go too bonkers here. this "well i think something will happen maybe" quote sets the tone nicely for the rest of the article, however.

"It's a big day for all the teams involved," said Celtics general manager Chris Wallace, whose team has the second-best chance. "I think this draft is deep enough that there will be quality players beyond Oden and Durant. But there's no question those guys are potential high-impact players."

its a big day... there are many good players available... oden and durant are really really good. wow. chris and jerry have been taking crazy pills together i guess.

im skipping over some blah stuff about how the lottery works. then this totally WACKY observation:

The good news for the Grizzlies and Celtics, of course, is that this year there are two players deemed worthy of the No. 1 spot. So finishing runner-up this time around won't be so bad.

yeah, you think that would be ok? you think those teams (notably the celtics, who have the second worst record in the league and thus "should" end up with the 2nd pick) wouldnt think it was bad to have the 2nd pick? that they would shrug their shoulders and say "yeah, i guess we'll take it?" im not going to put up a list of guys taken with the second overall pick. needless to say, many of them became awesome basketball players.

Here's a look at teams that have the most at stake in Tuesday's drawing:

as youll see, this sentence should have read "here's a look at teams that have the most at stake in tuesday's drawing, and some atrociously obvious commentary about what they want to have happen in the lottery."

Grizzlies: As long as they get one of the first two picks, they will be happy.

i dont know, ive heard some analysts say theyll be happy if and ONLY if they get the 4th pick.

Despite their abysmal season, they have a talented core in Pau Gasol, Mike Miller and Rudy Gay. The addition of Oden or Durant could give them a huge boost.

i dont really think so. i mean, oden and durant are two great basketball players, but how are they going to help the grizzlies? by playing basketball for them? yeah, right, thatll be the day.

It also could influence their search for a GM and coach. Larry Brown reportedly is waiting to see the results of the lottery before deciding whether he'd be interested in serving one or both of those roles in Memphis.

this part is fine. although at this point im not sure how much anyone should want larry brown coaching their team; he seems to be at the point of his coaching career where hell give up and mail in the rest of the season as soon as his team loses more than 1 in a row. whatever. moving on.

Celtics: Like the Grizzlies, they would be content with either Oden or Durant.

like the grizzlies, they will be happy if they get one of the two most highly touted players available in the draft in 4 years. to me, this is pure insanity- what are they thinking?

Oden's game, with his unselfishness and shot-blocking, is reminiscent of Bill Russell.

youre only saying this because this is a celtics blurb. although, to be fair, oden kind of looks like a 45 year old version of russell.

Durant would fit nicely alongside Paul Pierce and Al Jefferson.

again, how crazy an idea is this? such foolhardy analysis. someone get this guy a valium and calm him down.

Either way, landing one of these two picks will probably determine embattled front-office boss Danny Ainge's fate.

if danny ainge gets fired because his team gets unlucky in the lottery, i will laugh a lot. mostly because i hate boston sports teams, but also because that is dumb.

Hawks: They get to keep their pick only if they can move up into the top three. Otherwise it goes to the Suns as part of the '05 Joe Johnson trade (Phoenix would get Atlanta's '08 pick if the Hawks do get to keep it this year). Atlanta is in line to get the Pacers' pick (part of the Al Harrington trade), but only if it stays outside the top 10. If the Pacers get lucky and move up, the sad-sack Hawks could come away empty-handed.

any analysis about how this will affect their offseason personell moves? anything else to say here, burns? this is like a weatherman saying "if it rains, stuff will get wet." somehow he got even less aggressive with his analysis than he previously had been in the article... amazing.

Bulls: They own New York's pick, ninth overall based on records, because of the '05 Eddy Curry trade. Coming off a trip to the Eastern Conference semifinals, they could vault into title contention next season if they could somehow land Oden or Durant.

they looked somewhat flat against detriot in that series, but still forced it to 6 games after being down 3-0 (and very nearly won that game to force a game 7). detriot is most certainly a title contender whos about to steamroll cleveland and probably give san antonio all they can handle in the finals. so in burns' words: the bulls could become a title contender if their already extremely talented team brings in another extremely talented player. wow. this is like saying the new york mets can "vault into title contention" this summer if they make a midseason trade for a great pitcher.

Interesting side note: Chicago would be holding the No. 6 spot right now were it not for a last-second Knicks victory over the Bobcats in the final game of the regular season. The New York player who scored on a tip-in at the horn to win the game (and drop the Bulls three spots in the standings): Curry.

ill admit, that is kind of interesting. reading that led to the first time my brain has done anything since i started reading this column.

Suns: They won't be represented at the NBA TV studios in Secaucus, N.J., but they will be watching closely. Phoenix not only could snare Atlanta's pick, likely to fall between 4-6, but they also have the No. 24 pick (via Cleveland) and its own No. 29 selection. With three first-round picks, one potentially very high, the Suns could be an active player on the trade front. If Phoenix were to decide to retool by dealing Shawn Marion or Amaré Stoudemire, as rumored, those picks could be key pieces in a blockbuster deal.

the picks could possibly, maybe be part of a deal? you mean to say a team with a fantastically talented 7-deep rotation, which is also nearing the end of a window in which winning a title is a legitimate possibility (as nash enters his mid 30s), DOESNT want 3 rookies on their team? when two of them would be late 1st rounders? this is less obvious than "the celtics and grizzlies would both love either oden or durant." but still, this is the kind of analysis id expect from the clueless sports reporter on a phoenix local news station; not someone on a major national sports website.

im skipping over the blurbs for the sonics, bucks and timberwolves. needless to say they were all packed with the analytical equivalent of lettuce. the highlights: the sonics would like to resign rashard lewis, the bucks' fans should tune in because they might get a high pick, and kevin garnett probably feels better about the t-wolves' chances next year since theyll be drafting in the top 10. wow.

clearly, marty burns is listening to the gospel we preach here on fjm. we encourage writers to scale things back, not be so ridiculous, and put some simple analysis into their articles. unfortunately this article is a case of overcompensation to that effect. i know i sound impossible to please sometimes, but i promise its not that difficult. just write something that isnt full of garbage, but also tells even the most casual fan something they havent known for months. please.

Jerry Reinsdorf Must Have Killed Jay Mariotti's Father

That would be the only way to explain a fucking Pennsylvanian like Mariotti, who continually harps on how he's "so much smarter than the average Chicago Sportswriter" because he's "not a fan, and he thinks with his head not his heart" to have such a vendetta against Reinsdorf.

I know a lot of Sox fans (Bulls not so much) who will never forgive Reinsdorf for his myriad offenses (UHF, 94 strike, 97 White Flag)...although most have forgiven him in the wake of the WS victory in 05. And very few people blame Reinsdorf for the disintegration of the Bulls team that won 6 championships. Most, if they must blame someone, blame Krause and Jordan for failing to work things out between the two of them.

At any rate, Mariotti's spewing garbage again. It's not worth analyzing how many ways this is wrong, because it's wrong in every way. I just want to point out that this article was published the day after a Sox victory vs. Oakland kept them only 4.5 games back in the toughest division in baseball by far with more than 100 games left to play

It's Another Sinking Ship (is he fucking serious? He is).