Three ESPN Analysts, Three Blithering Idiots

All you have to do if you want to run a shitty blog just like this one is watch ESPN for about an hour a day. I guarantee you at least one of their esteemed employees will cook up a bubbling cauldron of stupid right before your very eyes within that timeframe. To wit, here's what I've collected from some of the highest paid sports analysts in the business in approximately the last 48 hours:

Joe Morgan, on Sunday Night Baseball, after someone goes from first to third on a single:

A few years back we were just sitting around waiting for a three run homer. Now every aspect of the game is important- speed, power, pitching.

Yes, that's right, fans. In case you haven't noticed, baseball has undergone a dramatic shift in strategy since earlier in the decade. In fact it might have been so gradual that you didn't notice. Remember way back when pitching didn't really matter? Teams didn't use it to try to win games, general managers didn't try to acquire it, and hell, fans didn't even talk about it. And yet, here we are in 2009, and I don't think anyone will disagree with what Joe says here: pitching is finally important. Well played, you chubby little mustachioed fool. Well played. You are truly a scholar of the game. Bonus points to Joe for using the lamest "negative thing you can say about the strategy some power-focused teams like to use if you're a purist who likes stolen bases and bunting a lot" available. Indeed, that proverbial three run homer never does show up when teams refuse to "move runners" or "be aggressive on the basepaths," does it? Unless it does, in which case those teams are awarded with three runs; three more than they would have earned by asking Adam Dunn to steal a bag or Manny Ramirez to lay down a bunt.

Also, the glorification of going from first to third might be the stupidest link in a long stupid chain made up of things that are pointlessly celebrated by dumbshits like Joe. You know those scrappy little Angels! When they have a guy on first, and someone singles into the RCF gap, if that guy on first happens to be fast, he often ends up on third. As if this were a risky and innovative baseball strategy that certain teams refuse to employ.

Now we're going to see baseball the way it was meant to be played.

As opposed to 2005 and 2006, during which an iteration of baseball was being played that probably made Abner Doubleday (or whoever the fuck invented it, I don't care what the real story is) roll over in his grave.

Mike Golic, a few hours later on NFL Tonight, talking about some irrelevant topic because it's early July and no one in the league is doing diddley shit for the next two weeks:

What did our coaches say to us back in Little League? I'm going to put the best 11 guys on the field.

Your Little League coach was a real cheater if he tried to employ that strategy. Maybe you're thinking of Pop Warner. Also, the statement itself seems to be substantively wrong. What coach of a young sports team is that cutthroat? I suppose there are teams of 10 year olds out there, run by guys who think they're Bill Cowher and like to tell their kids that only the guys who can make a fucking tackle occasionally are going to fucking get into the goddamn motherfucking game, but they're probably the extreme exception rather than the rule. Mike Golic is a dope. Both Mark Schlereth and him should be permanently assigned to ESPN's national spelling bee coverage team.

Finally, my new favorite ESPN punching bag (aka the Country Fried Emptyscrote), John Kruk, had this to say about an umpire's blown call on a Derek Jeter stolen base attempt (in which Jeter was safe but the ump called him out):

HE SHOULD GO AND APOLOGIZE TO JETER, AND APOLOGIZE TO THE YANKEES, BECAUSE HE BLEW THAT CALL AND OFFERED UP AN EXCUSE THAT WAS BULL.

All caps used to demonstrate his level of frustration with this grave injustice. An umpire making a mistake on a bang-bang slide/tag play? What is the world coming to! Next you'll tell me that the strike zone changes from game to game and even batter to batter. I say if an ump makes a mistake, he should be publicly shamed by being hung in a pillory on top of the home dugout for the rest of the game. That's the only way to keep those fuckers accountable. As things are, they're running amok- blowing a safe/out call at least every twenty or thirty games. What a disaster. Maybe umpires need to take a cue from the teams that are breaking new ground by considering pitching as something important and actually try to get all of their calls right. That's the way baseball was meant to be officiated, right?

I Don't Particularly Like Manny But......

As it is written, he whom Jay Mariotti attacketh like a man who hath no intelligence, pnoles defendeth.

Fans Glorifying Manny Need to Get a Life

Hear that all you baseball fans who like baseball? Get a new hobby, losers!

Here comes the standard Jay Mariotti "shit-for-brains-audience" recap....the one that he gives in every article to take up space that consists of news everyone already knows. It really is a lack of respect for the readers to do this every time.

Just to refresh your memory, Manny Ramirez is a shamed steroid cheat. He used a female fertility drug that produced artificial testosterone, making him the latest in a pathetic line of high-profile players who have done performance-enhancers and contaminated an entire baseball era. He also is a petty quitter, having stopped running out groundballs in a hissy-fit ploy that forced the Red Sox to trade him to the Dodgers.

How's everyone doing so far. Still with us? Or are we moving too fast?

So why were people cheering him when he returned last weekend after a 50-game suspension?

Because Manny Ramirez arrived last year, swung the Dodgers over his shoulder, and carried them 21341923423.23 miles to the postseason. A role-model? No. A great baseball player? Absolutely.

And giving him long, robust standing ovations?

Good players that cause you to get to the playoffs when you otherwise wouldn't tend to get those.

And proudly wearing $22 concession-stand dreadlocks and No. 99 jerseys?

Because baseball fans do these kinds of things.

And waving signs that said "We Still Love You, Manny" and "It's all about the dreads, not the Meds" -- stadium greeting cards that made him feel good when he should be feeling like, well, a convicted scumbag?

I'm sure he felt like a convicted scumbag over the last two months. He got caught, admitted it, and served his penalty. What the hell are the fans supposed to do? If I'm a Dodgers fan, I cheer Manny. If I'm a Yankees fan, I cheer A-Rod. If I'm a Giants fan a couple of years ago, I probably don't boo Bonds (after much deliberation). It's that simple.

Why oh why would anyone with a soul, a conscience and working brain cells glorify a cheater?

Yeah, especially after he murdered all those puppies and killed people while driving drunk.

Manny Ramirez does not equal Hitler.

Because most of these goofs were Dodgers fans who made the short drive from Los Angeles to San Diego, where they bought up 60 percent of the seats and turned Petco Park into Mannywood South. As we saw in San Francisco with the local fawning over Barry Bonds, some cities simply lack the sophistication to hold an appropriate grudge against a cheater.

Holding grudges: A trait commonly found in sophisticated people

All they seem to care about is whether the player produces and the ballclub wins.

What terrible Dodger fans.

And right now, with the Dodgers holding the best record in the major leagues and surviving just fine in their time without Ramirez, fans are checking their morals at the turnstiles and dreaming about a dreadlocked World Series in Chavez Ravine.

Checking their morals at the turnstiles. Wow. Everyone who cheers for Manny is going to hell.

In New York, Ramirez will be peppered with questions about why he used steroids. His reluctance to address the issue so far has been as big a disgrace as the drug bust itself. With stunning arrogance, his defining quote to date on the topic was this June 9 gem: "I didn't kill nobody, I didn't rape nobody, so that's it, I'm just going to come and play the game." Actually, I might argue that he and the other superstar cheats have raped the game.

Baseball, coincidentally, is not a person.

Until he specifically answers the steroids questions, which Dodgers owner Frank McCourt says won't happen, Ramirez will face media heat nationally. This could lead to a breakdown in performance and attitude, if his meltdown in Boston last July is any indication.

Once Manny left for L.A., however, the media heat just disappeared completely, right? How'd he play there?

Also, 2008 Boston Manny: .299/.398/.529. Fuck you, Jay.

But when he was away, the likes of Andre Ethier and Juan Pierre excelled. A brooding Manny is a Manny who can distract the finest of clubs, as the Red Sox can attest.

OK, don't play Manny. Play Juan Pierre, and see how that works out. I hear he's close to his career norms this year!

And might I remind you, Ethier's breakout in the first place occurred last year, and coincided with Manny's arrival. I'm not saying one caused the other, but you can't say that Ethier has just magically started to be a good player without Manny around.

So when Mannywood officially reopens next week, fans can spend $99 for two seats in left field and two blue "Mannywood" t-shirts. My guess is, the place will be packed for the rest of the season.

Know what else the Dodgers should include in the package?

A vomit bag.

Hilarious.

Stan McNeal: Perpetual Fuckstick

Stan McNeal has some All-Star game thoughts. Smartass that I am, I have counter-thoughts.

First comes the selection of the All-Star teams. Next comes the griping. Even with the rosters bumped to 33 players, I've got my complaints. Here's my top five.

Is anyone watching the Rangers?
No Kevin Millwood. No Ian Kinsler. Both should be on the club, especially Millwood.

I will grant you this. These are both very legitimate claims. Millwood not being on the team (as opposed to like, Wakefield, whom McNeal cites) is something of a cruel joke. Kinsler's numbers are significantly better than those of that shithead Pedroia, and given Kinsler's superior defense, I'll give him the nod over Aaron Hill, though it's very close. Hill over Kinsler is not worth crying over, so I'm guessing the complaint is against Pedroia. So I guess the problem here is the fan voting.

There's a far, FAR bigger Rangers-related fan-voting-oriented complaint out there though. Did you miss it, Stanley? How about the fact that this guy is starting the game after playing only 35 games at a .240/.290/.456 clip? America, this is absolutely unacceptable.

The Dodgers were snubbed, too.
The Cubs had eight representatives last year when they carried the N.L.'s best record into the break. This year, the Dodgers have the best record in the majors but only three All-Stars and just one — backup second baseman Orlando Hudson — who plays in the field.

Waaahh Waaaahhh Waaaahhh. The Cubs comparison is completely illegitimate. The Dodgers this year are a far more balanced powerhouse than the Cubs from last season.

Maybe the players split their votes between Matt Kemp and Andre Ethier, allowing Hunter Pence to gain a spot.

Correct ranking of these three players, not really close. Gap between Kemp and Pence is primarily due to positional difference and Kemp's awesome CF defense.

1) Kemp
2) Pence
3) Ethier

Please do not mention Ethier again.

Ethier leads the world in walk-off hits,

What did I JUST say?

Ohhhh...I forgot the almighty Walk-Off-Hit stat, the most sustainable and telling of stats.

and Kemp is hitting .303.

Pence is hitting .303. Please argue better. That was terrible.

Picking four first basemen in the N.L. was the way to go.
Don't blame Charlie Manuel for adding his own, Ryan Howard, to the team, even though Albert Pujols, Adrian Gonzalez and Prince Fielder are more deserving. First base is that loaded, and the game is in Howard's hometown. Plus, he would not have been in the home run contest if he didn't make the team.

NO. NO. NO. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

1) Ryan Howard has a .328 OBP
2) You just argued someone should be in the All-Star game because it's their hometown. Where do you get the right to criticize other peoples' selections?
3) Ryan Howard a) has a significantly lower EqA and b) plays an easier defensive position than Hunter Pence, whom you bitched about earlier. You think it's such a crime that Matt Kemp was snubbed, but it's okay to stick The Most Overrated Ever on the team FOURTH on the depth chart at his position?
4) The home run contest is SO FUCKING IRRELEVANT.

Only one Cub.
As that's all who should have been.

Why did you even write that?

Only one Red.
As that's all who should have been.

I just....don't understand the point.

(btw...just kidding dan-bob....Cueto was snubzilla-ed!)

Two Quick Things

I'm on a haphazard roadtrip through the upper midwest at the moment.  I've come across two very brief things that merit mention:

1. The latest issue of SI has an article by good old Selena Roberts about aging NASCAR driver Mark Martin.  I have no idea if it's a good article (what constitutes good NASCAR journalism anyways?), but the title is one of the silliest things I've read recently:

The Old Man And the Wheeee!

Wow.

2. Last night a friend and I went to the Brewers/Mets game - Miller Park's a nice place and I enjoy the culture of tailgating that surrounds it.  But, more importantly, my friend and I replicated the sign displayed in this video (0:21 in). While we were standing outside the park, educating the public on Wade Boggs's ability to drink sixty-four beers on a cross-country flight, a couple of malcontents chirped up that they'd heard Wade on Dan Patrick's radio show recently and that he stated that the number was forty-eight.  Can anyone out in the blogiverse corroborate this story?

Now, of course, it's also true that Wade might be trying to downplay his prowess a little bit - just like he does in the original PTI segment where he ludicrously claims that "It's nothing to be proud of".  But if he did renounce his accomplishment, I'd like to know it so I can respond to challenges like this.

Oh, geez, I don't know, like seventy?

Jemele Hill Somehow Writes Column Without Accusing Anyone of Being Racist or Being Racist Herself; It Still Blows

How the hell is she still getting published by ESPN? I thought her contract expired last fall and was not renewed by the suits at the World Wide Leader. Yet here she is, bumblefucking her way through an NBA column. The shocking thing about her is that when she appears on 1st and 10, she actually sounds mildly competent. But that's probably just because she's usually matched up with characters like Skip Bayless and that other dude with the square-shaped head. Anyways, like the title says, I'm completely blown away that this column contains neither ridiculous and baseless accusations of racism, nor obvious racism on the part of Jemele herself. What I'm not blown away by is the fact that this is undeniably atrocious and self-contradictory writing about a lame subject. Which subject? Well, I'll let Jemele set the scene for you herself.

I wish the current NBA looked more like this NBA.

And this NBA.

Hey, let's go all the way and make it look like this. That incident was totally awesome and good for the league, no?

I miss seeing players getting thrown under tables (Wes Unseld versus Bill Laimbeer). I miss seeing players putting other players in choke holds (Manute Bol versus Sedale Threatt). I miss left hooks (Xavier McDaniel versus Charles Oakley).

So what you're saying is that you miss fighting.

I love today's NBA, and I do appreciate today's players. The game has never been more athletic, with 6-foot-11 guys who can dribble as though they're 6-1 and LeBron James, who must have been a defensive end in a former life.

What? Worst compliment for a great player I've ever read. That Albert Pujols is really something- he must have been a guy who was really strong and good at sports in a former life.

Playoff ratings are up, and the Lakers and Celtics are strong.

Thank God! What would we do without them? I mean, can you imagine an NBA in which neither of those teams competes for a title? When's the last time that happened, like three seasons ago? Those were dark, dark days for the league.

Fucking kill me if the Celtics and Lakers meet in the finals again next year. I hope both those metaphorical bandwagons catch fire and collide with each other head-on, killing the millions of clueless assholes riding each.

It's a shame Dwight Howard received a one-game suspension for throwing an elbow during the Magic's first-round series with Philadelphia, when all Howard did was just create a little more air near Samuel Dalembert's ear. Predictably, the NBA acted as if Howard had hit Dalembert with a tire iron.

If this were the 1980s, NBA commissioner David Stern probably would have called Howard and chastised him for a weak elbow. Consider that in 1987, Robert Parish was suspended one game for triple-slapping Laimbeer in Game 5 of the Pistons-Celtics Eastern Conference finals. When Laimbeer and Larry Bird got into a fight in Game 4, they only received ejections.

Great point! So, that said, here's what you need to know about the Howard/Dalembert thing: if the refs actually see the elbow, Howard gets tossed from that game and then in all reasonable likelihood does not get suspended because he would have already missed time for it. But since the refs missed the call, Howard got suspended instead. He was going to miss a game (or most of a game) either way, just like Laimbeer and Bird did. He just ended up missing one down the road instead of the rest of the game in which he threw the elbow. So in other words: not much has changed.

There are a lot of people to blame for the new, wussy NBA, but mostly I blame Michael Jordan and Ron Artest.

If Jordan and Phil Jackson had not incessantly whined about the "Jordan Rules" -- which ushered in the superstar officiating system that put great defenses at a disadvantage -- maybe a player in the current era could execute a playoff foul without fear of a firing squad.

I don't know, ask Kenyon Martin or Rajon Rondo about that one.

Of course, the Knicks and Heat teams of the 1990s didn't help. The hysteria from Artest and Stephen Jackson's brawl with Pistons fans at The Palace of Auburn Hills only encouraged the NBA to catapult its product further into softness.

What they should have done was keep everything the same, deny that there were any problems, and watch attendance and interest dwindle away.

Now don't get me wrong- I think the reaction to that fight (as well as the Nuggets/Knicks "brawl" in 2006) is ridiculous when viewed in light of the fact that hockey and baseball players fight constantly. Hell, in both those sports, there are confrontations between players and fans (usually verbal, although occasionally physical) a couple times a season. Good grief, a player/fan confrontation which allegedly got physical went down at a baseball game less than 48 hours ago. The brawl at Auburn Hills was awful, but still received disproportionate scorn from the media and public. In fact, I don't know how Jemele missed this golden opportunity, but I think it's worth considering the possibility that the race of the players involved is what led to that scorn.

But all that aside, let's focus on the real issue here: Jemele is upset that the league's reaction to that brawl involved cracking down on fighting. When, if they didn't react, the league was probably going to take a sizable financial hit.

I'm not condoning fighting or lawlessness.

Yes. Yes you are. Earlier you said you missed players putting other players in choke holds and throwing left hooks. And if the Rambis clothesline play is not lawlessness, and what ensues afterwards is not fighting, then what the fuck is? Look at Howard's elbow on Dalembert. FUCKING LOOK AT IT. That's not "physical play," or "hand checking." That's essentially throwing a punch. That's lawless, and an invitation for a fight. Period. I'm all for the NBA loosening up on things that actually fall into the "physical play" category, like hard fouls on guys who are trying to dunk (While challenging for the ball. This means no clotheslines or head slaps, I'm looking at you, Rondo), or big guys beating each other up a little bit in the post while getting position. I'm not, however, all for guys being allowed to throw punches.

I just wish the NBA had the attitude and edginess it used to have. It gave us real rivalries and genuine hatred instead of weak battle raps.

I would gladly pay Shaq to say something awful about Jemele in a freestyle.

We saw Magic and Isiah's friendship disintegrate because the Pistons and Lakers continued to challenge each other for the NBA title. Today, the two best players in the NBA are having a bromance in a puppet commercial.

You... you... you got that that was fictional, right? That's not actually Kobe and LeBron. They don't actually live in the same apartment. So I know it's hard to fully comprehend, but just because a shoe company portrays them as doing so in order to sell more shoes doesn't actually mean they're friends. Got it? Ah, shit, nevermind. Just play with this piece of aluminum foil for a while.

Players in previous decades had to earn their reputations at the offensive and defensive ends, but today marginal players have inflated reputations because the NBA is where coddling happens.

See what she did there? With the whole twist on the NBA's slogan thing? Also, if you think mediocre players are overrated in today's game because they don't get fouled hard enough (or deliver enough hard fouls), you're a fucking numbskull.

On to the conclusion of the column, which is really more bizarre than dumb:

Other wishes I want @Kazaam to grant:
• An Anna Kournikova-Sergei Fedorov makeup. These two were far more intriguing and interesting when they were together than apart. Kournikova's hottest years -- no pun intended -- were from 1998 to 2004, both on the court and off. The bulk of that time she was with Fedorov, who was never the same player post-Kournikova. When they first hooked up, there was the drama that Fedorov might have pulled an R. Kelly. This time around, it would be a sweet reunion of star-crossed lovers.

Who. Gives. A. Shit. Where is this coming from? Why are we reading about the failed relationship of a washed-up has been and a washed-up never was, neither of whom (aside from a brief blip of success for Federov for the Capitals during their playoff run a couple months ago) have done anything relevant in years? So confusing. Is Jemele trying to reach out to her Russian readers? I guess that's a pretty big demographic, but this still makes zero sense. I also like how she notes that Federov was never the same on the ice after this breakup... which coincidentally happened during his mid-30s. Hmmm. I'm not a scienticianologist, but I have a funny feeling that there might be another reason Federov's athletic skills were declining right around that time period. Just a hunch.

• That players' girlfriends, at the professional or college level, should never be interviewed during live broadcasts. I don't care whether a player is dating a woman who looks like Megan Fox, is a nuclear physicist by day, a police officer at night and can kick a 48-yard field goal. She's a girlfriend, which means she likely has an expiration date.

But it's absolutely critical that a random medium-profile athlete couple gets back together. No expiration date on that kind of romance!

Hey, I've Got a Great Solution to the Problem, Let's Yell at It!

I don't know who of you out there has been following the Chicago Cubs lately, but if you haven't, let me bring you up to speed. Their record is 18-1932, their batting average is -.432, and their team ERA is 3.87. Yup. Pretty good pitching. But anyway, who cares about the logistics. We need a solution! Dan McNeil just got promoted to having his own 4-hour long talk show on the radio in Chicago, and he has the answer: yelling! Take it away, Danny Mac!

We need a new Lou. This one won't do. Lou Piniella just isn't selling the Zen thing. Not to me or to anybody else. Most important, the 25 athletes under his stewardship don't appear to be processing his messages.

Lou Piniella: Hey Soriano, quit swinging at pitches in the dirt!

Alfonso Soriano: ::strikes out by swinging at ball four low::

Lou Piniella: Hey Theriot, quit swinging for the fences and slap it to right, like the good ol' days!

Ryan Theriot: ::swings as hard as he can and pops it up to the pitcher::

Derrek Lee: ::takes strike one::

Lou Piniella: ::Runs out of the dugout screaming to argue the call, now is kicking dirt and peeing on home plate simultaneously:: YOU PIECE OF $#@( what kind of #(@#ing #!#$ $#@! #$@* #$*( #$*$ing (percent sign) #@$! Barbara Streissand's #$@$@!!!!

Jake Fox: Hey, Lou's getting pissed off! I'm energized!

Geovany Soto: Hey boys, we've got this shit!

Cubs Players in unison: HUZZAH!

::Cubs win game 131-4::

And that's how it all went down.

I'm pleased when anybody reads anything, even a cocktail napkin,

You have very low standards.

but those books Piniella said he read last offseason should have been saved for Phil Jackson. He wears a satin robe better.

Joe Torre didn't singlehandedly win all those AL East titles by acting all calm, that's for damn sure.

Try as Piniella might to convince the world he's walking on rice paper without leaving a trace, he always has been most comfortable near the edge. Or completely over it. That's who he is.

Factors in winning a Major League Baseball division, in order of importance.

1) Manager comfortability
2) Yelling
3) Being in the four-teamed AL West
4) Removing bases from their proper locations
5) Runs scored

Unearthing bases. Kicking dirt. Spitting. Scratching. Fighting one of his own players, as he did in Cincinnati with the behemoth-sized Rob Dibble.

6) Fighting Rob Dibble

None of those outlandish behaviors will solve the Cubs' most urgent problems,

At least you admit this.

but when a historically fiery manager ceases to breathe fire, then you have a brand new problem to tack onto the list: resignation.

Or worse: a manager that doesn't instantly verbalize everything he thinks in a hyperpassionate matter. That fucks over the media hardcore.

We want to know you're still in there, Lou. C'mon, Lou.

You know Soto the Pothead is starting to turn things around......maybe you should cheer for him? He actually plays baseb-....ah hell. C'mon Lou.

Time for Piniella to take one of his struggling bullpen arms over the fence, the way the Tigers' Ryan Raburn did Tuesday night, to beat Kevin Gregg in the bottom of the ninth.

The play on words here was just simply effortless.

As Piniella awakens to a call to action, perhaps it also alerts general manager Jim Hendry to a problem on which he may want to act. Who's this team's closer if it's not going to be Gregg, who has blown three saves and is averaging more than 20 pitches per inning?

Good Danny. This is baseball. This is definitely something worth talking about. Maybe we should elaborate on this. Maybe talk about some possible solutions to the problem.

The more cerebral Lou can spare embarrassing Gregg with critical words. Just give him the ball in garbage time at the next opportunity. Actions speak louder than words.

Danny Mac's solution: Embarrass Kevin Gregg.

The original ''Plan B'' was Carlos Marmol, but he also has underwhelmed. I'm all for seeing Piniella wave Marmol in for mop-up duty, too, if there aren't more performances like Tuesday's, when he whiffed three of the four Detroit hitters he faced.

Alright so the nominal two best relievers on the Cubs are pitching with the team 5 runs down in the 4th inning. Danny Mac, you deserved every bit of that promotion.

We need more actions, those like Monday night when Piniella benched Alfonso Soriano for the Cubs' one-night stand in Atlanta. Good. Soriano needed it.

If this was a routine rest day (I don't know for sure), this is very funny.

Next move is to hit him fifth or sixth in the order.

Agreed. Every Cub fan in the universe knows this should have happened 2 years ago.

Of Piniella's regulars, only veterans Derrek Lee and Ryan Theriot have proven reliable. They are the only Cubs position players who should be an automatic when Piniella pencils in his daily lineup.

Kosuke Fukudome: .279 EqA
Milton Bradley: .263 EqA
Ryan Theriot: .263 EqA
Reed Johhhhnson: .269 EqA
Micah Hoffpauir: .262 EqA

You heard the man. Theriot's your lock to play every day. None of those other guys quite stack up.

Without acting, Piniella is running the dangerous risk of creating the impression he's losing interest. I couldn't believe it when he didn't want to talk about his team's habitual struggle to not capitalize on scoring opportunities the other night.

I can't believe that either, man! When your team is hitting .011 on the season with RISP and this is happening pretty much every other game, I can't imagine why Lou wouldn't want to talk to the media about it!

Maybe it's time for the guy to talk about going fishing.

Woahhhh

Maybe he should go fishing.

WOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I'm not encouraging Piniella to barbeque his players publicly. It won't mean squat if he rips one of his guys, unloads on an umpire or kicks Roger Bossard's majestic granules of sand all over Bridgeport this weekend.

This pretty much is the opposite of everything you've said thus far.

Nobody is asking for the postgame spread to be hurled against the wall of the clubhouse. Nothing contrived or falsely manufactured is necessary.

It's gotta come from the HEART!!!

Just show us you're not going to lie down and take it. Use the pencil like a carving knife. Messages are delivered when they land right in the gut.

Send a message! Instead of those losers, start Andres Blanco and Aaron Miles every day! That'll show 'em you care about winning!

Find new roles for those not handling their current ones. Keep shakin' up that lineup card and that bullpen. An untrustworthy pen has cost many managers their jobs.

Neal Cotts, you are now the closer for the Chicago Cubs.

So has indifference.

Alright Danny Mac, I've been pretty sarcastic this entire time, so let me level with you. It isn't that Lou doesn't give a shit. It's that unlike you, he understands that throwing an angry hissy fit isn't going to make professional baseball players play better. And if he doesn't otherwise feel like it, he won't do it. You stink.

I'm off to Hawaii, bitches!!!

Dear Bill Simmons, Shut the fuck up

Sorry I'm doing another Bill Simmons twitter post. I promise that once I steal my parents' Net-Nanny password, I'll do a post that's a little more meaty (NO HOMO! j/k, but not really).

I'm fired up that we beat Spain

Let's trot this out again. From Bill Simmons rules for being a fan:

"7. Be very careful when using the word "We" with your favorite team. Use it judiciously. Just remember, you don't wear a uniform, you don't play any minutes, and you're not on the team."

Perhaps it's justifiable to use "we" because it's the United States team, and it's his country blah blah. However, the fact that he didn't at all mention the amazing 6-goal swing that propelled the US into the semi-final denies him any right to claim US Soccer as his team. To put this in Bill's perspective, the 6-goal swing was the Dave Roberts steal of 2nd base, and the defeat of Spain was the Sawx beating The Yankees in that same ALCS. You're a front running, fair weather asshole, Bill.

but what the hell is the Confederation Cup? Is this better or worse than winning an ESPY?

Short Answer: Better.
Long Answer: Better, you fucking retard.

Seriously though, Bill is either too fucking stupid/lazy to go on Wikipedia/Soccernet and find out the following things:

1. Brazil and France (both top of the line soccer countries) have won 4 of the 5 Confederations Cups.
2. Regardless of what country/continent your team is from, it's very difficult to qualify for the Confederations Cup (unless your country is hosting the next World Cup).
3. Someone with even the most cursory knowledge of soccer would know that Spain, Brazil, and Italy all sent their teams filled to the brim with world class players. If it didn't mean shit, those players would be on a beach fucking multiple women who make Gisele Bundchen look homely and trivial by comparison.
4. The Confederations Cup has a definitive winner. Whereas the ESPY's are based on arbitrary opinion. Hence why they're stupid.

Or, more likely, Bill just had to take a shot at the ESPY's because it'd been a week since he'd last done so. Sure it belittles Team USA's accomplishment that he's so fired up about, but he had to rage against the machine a little bit. Lord knows that the ESPY's being shitty is such a well kept secret and all. Thanks for blowing the lid off that one, Cronkite.

John Kruk's Tiny Brain Tries to Analyze Baseball

I try to avoid writing posts about my favorite teams. I really do. Even my favorite sports blog, the dick joke-tacular Kissing Suzy Kolber, suffers from occasional unfunniness as its writers spend too much time on lame jokes and irrelevant news stories about their favorite teams (OMG apparently the Redskins are going to sign a new long snapper!). But sometimes a dick-for-brains fatso like John Kruk takes a horrifically analyzed shot at the squad you live and die for. And that's when you're allowed to break your own rules.

So I'm sitting there in my mom's basement last night, watching Lord of the Rings, eating Funyuns, and playing Stratego against my stuffed animals like usual, when I realize that Baseball Tonight is on. The Rockies have just finished off an 11-1 drubbing of the Angels. Since there were only a handful of games because it was a Monday, and because the Rox have now won 17 out of 18, I realize that there's actually a good chance they're going to get some airtime! It only happens about once a month (usually in the context of "How can the Cubs/Dodgers/Mets/Phillies lose to a team like the Rockies? Impossible") so if you're a Rockies fan you don't want to miss it. As soon as I flip the channel to ESPN, I see a screen displaying the following graphic:

Dexter Fowler 77
Chris Iannetta 233
Troy Tulowitzki 345

And who is talking about this mysterious set of numbers but everyone's favorite unitesticle, Mr. Kruk. I quickly realize the numbers indicate each Rockie's career games played. What's John's angle? Unfortunately I don't have the exact quotes, but what follows are reasonably accurate representations of what he had to say.

I mean, as you get going deep into the season, you don't know how these guys are going to play. They're inexperienced. These guys just aren't known quantities.

It quickly becomes apparent that Krukie's mission for this segment is to tell the nice people at home why the Rockies suck and have absolutely no chance at getting to the playoffs this year. Now, here's the thing. Any analyst can hold that opinion if they want to and it won't bother me. Go right ahead. I'm not some kind of zealot, sitting here saying "If you don't think the Rockies are going to win the World Series then you can just shut the fuck up right now." It's not like that, I promise.

But if you're going to say that they're not a playoff contender, try to pick a reason for doing so that makes some vague semblance of sense. Seriously. Go way, way, way out on a limb and find something better than this. The back of their rotation is shaky. Their pen is leaning on castoffs from other teams like Joel Peralta and Josh Fogg. Even with Brad Hawpe's monster season, they're not getting much offensive production from their outfield. Fine! Great! Go ahead and say those things. But this? So Fowler is young and inexperienced, true. I'll give you that. He may crumble down the stretch. But Iannetta and Tulowitzki are in their fourth fucking years in the bigs. They've both missed time due to injury, which is why their games played totals are relatively low, but it's not like they're a couple of unseasoned 21 year olds who were in AA last year. THEY WENT TO THE FUCKING WORLD SERIES TWO YEARS AGO. They're not experienced enough for you, Kruk? Go fuck yourself with a fucking soup ladle. Asshole. Oh, and here's another great point from Sir Tubsalot:

They won't be able to win the wild card because they have too many teams to pass in the standings.

Here's your current NL wild card standings, which John apparently hasn't checked since Memorial Day. Two teams, leading them by a half game, with only three months left in the season? No way can they climb that mountain!

His latest entry in the "Baseball Tonight Clubhouse" print article series is dedicated to finding other nonsensical reasons as to why the Rockies are doomed. I can only imagine how long it would take him to type all this up. He must have dictated it to an ESPN intern, and then eaten said intern.

I've been in the middle of a couple of firings, and it always seems as if you play better immediately after. When you're a player and your manager gets fired, most players feel responsible. I've been a part of a couple of similar situations,

Wait, have you ever been in that situation before? You only said so twice in the last three sentences. He then goes on to say that their recent hot streak is attributable to the firing of Clint Hurdle and the arrival of new manager Jim Tracy, and that the bump they're experiencing as a result of a change in leadership won't last. That's all well and good, but let me just apply a classic FireJay label to this post: managers don't do that much. This is (almost) the exact same team of 25 players Hurdle was managing. Clearly they have a lot of talent, having beaten up on legitimate teams like the Cardinals, Brewers, and Rays during this stretch. The fact that Hurdle wasn't getting much mileage out of them and Tracy is doesn't mean they're only playing better because of Tracy. It's obviously a number of things, Tracy's arrival being one of them. A manager can't make a team that started the year 20-32 go on a 17-1 streak. He can help, but the players have to play the games. And it's pretty obvious at this point that the Rockies have a collection of players who are at the very least capable of winning the wild card.

Colorado's run is just that, a run. In my mind, this team is not a threat to win the wild card. Even though the Mets and Phillies have played terribly lately, the wild card is still going to come out of the NL East.

There you have it, folks. Why can't the Rockies do it? Because the WC is going to come out of the NL East, that's why. Duhhhhh. No analysis. No explanation. John Kruk is a fucking simpleton among simpletons. And again, if you want to say Colorado won't win the WC, that's fine. But to say they're not even "a threat?" With the second best run differential in the NL (trailing only the Dodgers, thus obviously ahead of the Mets and Phillies), they're not even a threat? What are you, fucking nuts? Why won't Florida repeat as NCAA football champions this year? Because Alabama is going to win it all. How's that for an airtight explanation?

Both teams are almost unwatchable at the moment, but I'm still certain the Phillies will win the division and the Mets will take the wild card. [no further explanation given; end of article; beginning of John's nightly run to 7-11 for as many hot dogs as they happen to have on the rollers when he gets there]

Possible reasons Kruk feels this way:
1) He played most of his career with the Phillies, so he'll naturally favor any playoff scenario which ensures they'll get in
2) He's felt this way since the beginning of the season (and felt that the Rockies were no good), and simply refuses to change his opinion out of stubbornness. Of course, as we learned from the Cleveland "2009 AL Central Champs in Waiting" Indians, early season groupthink can be a dangerous thing
3) Standard east coast bias- Kruk (and the other the media members with whom he associates) can name more players on the Phillies and Mets than on the Rockies, and they play in cities with which he is very familiar while the Rockies play in one of those flyover states, so there's no way the Rockies can contend
4) He genuinely believes that because Chris Iannetta and Troy Tulowitzki have only played about 250 and 350 MLB games respectively (and because they trail two teams by a half game each in the current wild card standings, surely an insurmountable lead) Colorado will not make the playoffs. Nevermind the fact that the Mets are depending heavily on Daniel Murphy and Fernando Martinez, who have combined for fewer than 150 career games played. The Phillies, to John's credit, are indeed a team chock full of seasoned veterans. Their rotation is a complete and total fucking joke, but hey, at least they don't have any inexperienced players

It doesn't really matter which answer is correct. All I know is this: John Kruk is a card carrying horse's ass. There isn't a lobotomy complete enough to save ESPN viewers from his retardery. The next time I have reason to believe the Rockies will be on Baseball Tonight (which might be some time after the All Star break, assuming they don't lose any games between now and then) I'm not going to bother watching.

Before I go, here's some bonus moron-speak from Baseball Tonight's Chris Singleton about the Rockies:

I think they're making their run too early.

Yeah, you know, he's got a point. Wins are worth double in September as compared to June. The Rockies would be much better holding back, staying a good 5 or 6 games out of the WC, and then hoping they can put together another 11 game winning streak during the last two weeks of the season. It's not a fucking bike race, Singleton. You don't choose when to make your fucking push. If you win your first 100 games and lose your last 62, you'll make the playoffs. If you lose your first 62 and win your last 100, you'll make the playoffs. Good thing you share a set with John Kruk- otherwise I would have wasted a lot more of the time spent on this post ripping you apart as opposed to him.

I never thought I'd say this, but relative to some of his coworkers, that Steve Phillips is kind of an OK dude.

Detective Jay Knew the Whole Time

You'll just have to take my word for it that Jay wrote this. It's a well-known FireJay policy that we don't link his articles.

At least three times, maybe more, I've asked Sammy Sosa if he ever has used steroids. Each time, he testily answered no, once stating that the only performance-enhancing substance he took was a "Flintstone vitamin." He had this goofy, cartoonish way about him that made you want to believe him, even though deep down, as someone who noticed that his head and upper body were swelled disproportionately to human reality, I knew he was as stone-cold guilty as any of them.

You. Fucking. Genius.

That's what I said, the biggest scandal in sports history. Think about it. Nearly every baseball superstar we've tried to embrace the last dozen years because of his magnitude and numbers -- Sosa, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Manny Ramirez and Alex Rodriguez being the foremost -- has come up dirty.

Frank Thomas, Albert Pujols, Ken Griffey Jr, David Eckstein. Your move, Jay.

And all it does is make me ill for gushing over each of them at one time or another, starting with the Summer of Love in 1998, when Sosa and McGwire waged a muscle duel and blew past the single-season home run numbers of Roger Maris and Babe Ruth.

Gushing over them...but earlier you said.....knew entire time? pnoles confoozled.

The surge rejuvenated a game that lost some measure of popularity earlier that decade, when a labor impasse led to the cancellation of a World Series and widespread fan apathy. Alas, it turned out to be nothing but a hoax, just like almost everything else we've applauded in the Steroid Era.

Anyone else need this history lesson as badly as I did? Whew, thanks Jay. I'm up to speed now.

I'm ashamed to have admired their accomplishments, even while I was openly suspicious in some of my columns back then.

I'm ashamed, because I'm just like all of you, but suspicious, because I'm way smarter and better than you. I knew the entire time, cheered anyway, but documentation exists, Jay smart. I cheered, but I knew, I ashamed. Jay Good. All Else Bad.

Nah. It just was a matter of time and circumstance before the heat finally caught up to Sosa and he officially joined the Liar's Club. That's what angers me most about these villains, the deceit and the lies,

It hasn't even been a month since you wrote that it was impossible for the Chicago Cubs to win a World Series. Ever.

Like the Rocket and the Home Run King*, Slammin' Sammy conceivably could be headed to jail after standing before Congress under oath and testifying that "everything" he knew "about steroids and human growth hormones is that they are bad for you, even lethal" and that he "would never put anything dangerous like that" in his body. "To be clear," he said that day, "I have never taken illegal performance-enhancing drugs. I have never injected myself or had anyone inject me with anything." He was accompanied by a lawyer who said Sosa had difficulty speaking English, which struck me as odd considering Sosa knows English very well, including every choice curse word he has used when scolding media people.

Hmmmm....so Sosa actually does speak English very well, even though a lawyer said he did not? Detective Jay is on the case! I bet no one else ever noticed this!

Problem was, his testimony came in 2005, two years after the alleged positive test was included among the Dirty 104.

Which means Sosa may have been lying under oath. Perhaps we'll be calling him Slammer Sammy.

Throw the book at him boys! Another case cracked by Mariotti! His pure intellect is perhaps only surpassed by his one-liners!

So, no, he doesn't belong in the Hall any more than McGwire, who has been rejected overwhelmingly in his first three years of eligibility by the voting baseball writers -- myself included.

Did anyone know that Jay has a Hall of Fame vote (seriously)?

Well I don't have much to say about that, so enjoy this Chone Figgins quote that Jay plugged into this article.

"It's just like gambling on baseball. If you're not supposed to do it, you shouldn't be able to get in," Los Angeles Angels infielder Chone Figgins said. "It's the Hall of Fame, not the Hall of Cheatin'. It's like not paying your taxes. They eventually catch up to you."

I hope Chone Figgins makes the Hall of Fame in 2020 or whatever just on the basis of this quote. Taking steroids is like not paying your taxes. Love it.

But wait, we haven't heard an Ozzie Guillen reference yet! Enjoy this quick, easy, and seamless transition that gives Jay an excuse to talk about Ozzie.

The infamous 2003 list was supposed to remain anonymous under terms established between Major League Baseball and the Players Association. For some reason, either the union didn't destroy the test results or someone in management is involved in hanky-panky. How interesting that Sosa's name was leaked in a Times story published on the day the Cubs were scheduled to play the crosstown White Sox -- owned by Jerry Reinsdorf, Selig's right-hand man forever -- in the opener of their interleague series. Ozzie Guillen, manager of the Sox, said before the game was rained out that all the names of the Dirty 104 should be released publicly.

Whew. See? Ozzie's relevant to this article too!

The Blizzard of Oz is a flaming hypocrite, of course, having said three years ago that former major-league pitcher Jason Grimsley was a snitch for serving as a steroids informant in a federal investigation. "Shoot the [bleep]," Guillen said then. "The only thing I can say is that a former player should shut up and go. Shut up and move on. We don't need these guys. Baseball is better without him." Now, Ozzie thinks all names should be revealed.

Now that he ::sniff:: doesn't write for the Sun-Times anymore, look how hard it is to squeeze in these Guillen insults! You can tell, this is absolutely killing him. Also, I love when Jay calls other people hypocrites. It gives me just the world's biggest joygasm.

I sensed Sosa was up to no good several years ago, when he claimed to have been "robbed" of $20,000 in the lobby of the Caracas Hilton. He had placed the money in a plastic bag, wrapped it inside a towel and supposedly left it in the lobby while he and his brother ate in a hotel restaurant.\

There's Jay's sharp eye for suspicious activity! Gee, I bet you could read that story to 25,000 of us normies and not a single person would have caught onto a whiff of shadiness.

Uh, what was Sosa doing in Venezuela with $20,000 in cash stuffed in a bag?

This logic is superhuman!

I was able to ask my questions to Sosa. Each time, he denied ever using steroids. I wanted to call him a liar but couldn't.

Today, I can.

...said Jay Mariotti, triumphantly, out of breath, planting a flag atop the highest mountain in Iowa, as onlookers in the distance gasp in awe upon seeing his rotund silhouette standing bravely in the orange, setting sun.

That shit's POETRY.

Jerry Crasnick's "Sources" are Usually Idiots

Does he choose these miserable quotes intentionally? His "Starting 9" columns in and of themselves have been getting better over the last couple of years (probably because he stopped choosing topics like "best bunters" and "best players under 5'6"), but man, the people he quotes to reinforce his choices continue to sound like a bunch of tards. This installment of the column is about guys who are having underappreciatedly awesome seasons. I agree with most of the picks, but check out what some knowledgeable "baseball people" had to say about them.

Re: Ben Zobrist

Some people in Tampa have noticed that when Zobrist completes his swing from the left side, he has a follow-through similar to Ted Williams'. We kid you not.

Wow. First of all, why is Jerry channeling the first person plural douchebaggery of Will Leitch? Second of all- comparing the swing of a Hall of Famer to that of [player X] is just about the most useless, subjective, anecdotal way to hype up [player X]. Don't do it. Ever.

Re: Russell Branyan

"After Russell was out there for seven to 10 days this spring, Don told me, 'This guy has a good swing. How the heck does he strike out so much?'" Zduriencik said.

The "Don" quoted there is Mariners manager Don Wakamatsu. As in, a guy who gets paid good money to make decisions about baseball players. And somehow he can't seem to figure out (or allegedly can't seem to figure out) why this player has struck out in more than 40% of his career at bats. Hmmm. Here are a couple suggestions: 1) He's a big guy so he probably has a very long swing, and 2) he probably swings at a lot of terrible pitches, and 3) he might not have a very good eye. But don't mind me, I'm just camped down here in my mother's basement, avoiding girls and sunlight and lobbing steroid accusations at Raul Ibanez.

"He's sustained it for this length of time, and I believe it's going to continue. I don't see anything fluke-ish about it."

Referring to his great season so far? You don't see anything fluke-ish about a guy with a career .237 BA in more than 2500 PAs hitting .308 over the course of a couple months, at age 33? Interesting. Enjoy the ride, M's fans.

Re: Jason Bartlett

The Tampa Bay chapter of the Baseball Writers Association named Bartlett the team's MVP last season after he posted a .690 OPS, so that gives you an idea what he means defensively to the Rays.

What. A. Bunch. Of. Dickheads.

"He's my favorite player on that club because he does something different every day to beat you," an NL scout said.

Interesting. If I were a scout, my favorite Ray would be Evan Longoria, because he's fucking awesome at everything. But I guess Bartlett is OK too.

Re: Marco Scutaro

"He's another example of how the real baseball players have caught up with the cheaters as they've detoxified," an NL scout said, only half in jest.

I hope he was saying it fully in jest, because if he was saying it even 1% seriously, he should be stripped of his job and shot into deep space. Scutaro is slugging .429 this year- and he's never cleared .400 for a full season in his career before.

Ryan Madson, speaking re: Ryan Madson

"When you have success like that, you come to believe in yourself," Madson said. "I can't give enough credit to pitching in the playoffs and World Series and the confidence it gave me. I feel more in control, more calm and focused out there now."

Kind of sounds like he's making a sales pitch for an anti-depressant.

Re: Mark Reynolds

"I give him a lot of credit," Arizona GM Josh Byrnes said. "Everybody focuses on the strikeouts, but he plays good defense,

By any measure, from ones as simple as errors (34 last year) or fielding percentage (just a hair over .900) to ones as complex as total fielding runs above average (-7.0), Reynolds is a complete butcher in the field.

he runs the bases

You cannot play a non-pitching position for a baseball team without doing this.

and he's one of our toughest players.

Watch out, Eckstein. It's great that you're playing for the Padres now, but there's a new gritty grinder in the NL West.

He does a lot of things to help us win."

Please don't include his defense or his ability to run the bases amongst those things.