Speaking of the Yankees, Would Someone Please Throw Hank Steinbrenner Out of a Hot Air Balloon Already

Everyone's already seen this; everyone already knows it's laughably dumb; I don't care. I haven't posted since Sunday night. Take what you can get, people.

Fredo says:

"The biggest problem is the divisional setup in major league baseball. I didn't like it in the 1970s, and I hate it now."

Way to throw in that little bit of (likely) revisionist history just to make sure we all know you've felt this way for 30 years, and are not just complaining about it now for the first time because your team is not going to the playoffs.

"Baseball went to a multidivision setup to create more races, rivalries and excitement.

Yes. And despite its occasional shortcomings, it has done exactly that, which is worth a lot more to the game and the fans than what you're about to bitch about.

But it isn't fair.

That poor New York Yankee organization just can't catch a break, can it? Why can't the world just be fair every once in a while? Is that so goddamn much to ask?

You see it this season, with plenty of people in the media pointing out that Joe Torre and the Dodgers are going to the playoffs while we're not.

I hadn't really looked of the relative accomplishments of those two teams through that lens before right now. But thanks for bringing it up! Hey Yankees- choke on a tall, warm pile of your own shit. You embarrassed your successful manager, made him an offer that was never meant to be accepted, and more or less told him not to let the door hit him in the ass on his way out. Now you'll be sitting at home in October while he gets to take a shot at the reasonably wide open NL. Fantastic.

"This is by no means a knock on Torre - let me make that clear-but look at the division they're in. If L.A. were in the AL East, it wouldn't be in the playoff discussion. The AL East is never weak."

1. If L.A. were in the AL East, who knows what their record would be. Odds are Hank is right about where they would be, but you can't just say "if team X changed leagues, they'd still have the exact same record." Just saying. I'm being nitpicky before I dive into the good stuff.
2. This quote isn't really a knock on Torre... but at the same time, it's a response to what the media has been saying about Torre's accomplishments versus the Yankees' accomplishments. So, yeah, it's a knock, you jealous bucket of butter.
3. The NL West has stunk to varying degrees for the past 4 years or so, but the AL East is far from perfect. The Central or West was stronger 2006, 2005, and 2002. I didn't hear any execs from any of those divisions' third place teams complaining about the sand in their cunts during those years.
4. Fair? Fair? You want to talk about fucking fairness? You run a team that can afford to sign whoever the fuck you want, whenever the fuck you want, for as much or more than any other team can possibly pay them. You have the most pronounced and staggering competitive advantage of any team in professional sports. You can never be outbid for a free agent. Ever. And if you make a mistake and sign a clunker? Who gives a fuck! Give him his money, let the fans eat him alive, and sign someone else. Nearly every single other fucking team in the fucking league is in a relatively unfair position compared to yours when it comes to the most important determinant to how much talent a team can acquire and keep. Get fucked, Hank. I hope they blow up the old Yankee Stadium while you're still working there in your office.

In case you missed that joke, the Yankees are moving out of their old stadium and into a new one next season. You might not have heard.

Steinbrenner also questioned the legitimacy of the Cardinals' 2006 title, noting that their 83 regular-season victories were two less than the Phillies' total, but because of the system, St. Louis reached the playoffs as NL Central champs while Philadelphia lost the wild card race to the Dodgers, who had 88 wins.

"People will say the Cardinals were the best team because they won the World Series," Steinbrenner wrote. "Well, no, they weren't. They just got hot at the right time."

Hey, DUMMY- if you're going to complain about this kind of thing, you might want to, you know, pick on a team that didn't "deserve" to go to the playoffs and then actually went out and tanked. For example, might I recommend the 2005 Padres? They won the NL West with an 82-80 record and somehow got bounced out of the NLDS by the Cardinals in just two games. Picking on that 2006 Cardinal team is retarded- any team that wins it all "got hot at the right time." You can't be awesome all year, stroll into the playoffs, and stroll home with that ugly-ass trophy with all the flags on it. The 2001 Mariners won 116 games. Maybe Hank should forfeit his team's AL pennant from that year (earned by beating those Mariners, of course) because clearly those Yankees (95 wins) weren't the best team in the league.

What a useless windbag.

P.S.- To the credit of Yankee fans, almost 90% of them who voted in the poll attached to that article (assuming most of the people who read it are, in fact, Yankee fans) already know that Hank is a zilcheroo. Or maybe a bunch of Red Sox fans came over and voted, who knows.
P.P.S. Before you write a comment that says "HEY BUT THINK ABOUT IT TEH MARLINZ WON TEH WORLD SERIES OVER TEH YANKZ AND TEH RAYZ R GOOD THIS YEAR SO THAT SHOWS MONEY DOESUNT MATTER," yes, I know money doesn't guarantee anything. But I don't think anyone would disagree with me if I said it's much easier to be the Yankees than it is to be any other team. Compared to 85% of the rest of the teams in the league, their mistakes are less costly and their opportunities to add assets are far more frequent.
P.P.S.- I attached the "Barbaro" label to this post because Hank Steinbrenner somehow makes me even more angry than Barbaro does.
P.P.P.S.- I hope Hank Steinbrenner spontaneously combusts. Immediately.

Joe Torre: Still Smarting, Apparently

From Stephen A. Smith's piece about how classy Joe Torre is and how un-classy the Yankees are:

Nearly a year after his unceremonious departure from New York, the former Yankees manager's occasional body twitches and stoic demeanor pretty much validate the stinging effect a kick in the backside inevitably leaves behind.

So wait: Torre's body twitches reflect the fact that he willingly left his previous job? It seems to me that Torre gave the Yankees a reasonable kick to the backside, seeing as he turned down the offer of managing a pretty good team which he had taken to the playoffs twelve years in a row.

If I were a professional writer, I might drop "pretty much" from my repertoire.

Fuckity Fuckity Fuck

I know it's a huge secret around these parts which baseball team I root for. Lets just say that whichever "team" it is "lost" a huge "game" this evening. And now I'm really mad. So I'm going to take this garbage and shove it up Tim Dahlberg's anal orifice.

Cubs-Red Sox would be World Series dream
But there are some ugly possibilities for Fall Classic as well

This article just screams "pointless."

The big, bad Yankees are finally out and for that most of the country can be grateful.

I'm not sure what rock you've been hiding under for the past 8 years, but Yankee hatred has declined significantly in all non-New Yorkish non-Bostonian metropolitan areas.

Instead of constantly hearing about the ghosts of past greats at Yankee Stadium, this postseason we can focus on the present at not-so-historic Tropicana Field.

Right there with you in re: shut the fuck up about Yankee Stadium. But why is Tropicana Field even important? It's not part of your "dream" World Series anyway.

Instead of filling up seats in the Bronx, they’ll be taking them out, just in time for the holiday gift-giving season.

Okay you're paying waaaaaaay more attention to this than necessary. I'm removing whatever credit I gave you for making fun of the ESPN Yankee Stadium ZOMG Brigade.

But that’s not the only thing different about a World Series that has every chance to be truly memorable and an equal chance to be truly forgettable.

This would be a very true statement if you were arguing from the perspective of "the series itself might not be that exciting." But you're obviously gonna ramble on about how Milwaukee is boring or something.

There’s a surprise team from Florida

Who?

chances of an all-Chicago or all-LA matchup,

Both of which you are about to shit on immensely. We're talking Randy Marsh in South Park's "More Crap" episode level shitting.

OFFICIAL PUBLIC STATEMENT: I am a nerd.

and a Boston team ready to lay claim to a dynasty of its own.

Which is exciting, but when the Yankees do it, that's bad, right?

About the only certainty is that the Cubs will implode at some point because they are, after all, the Cubs.

You are an idiot who says idiotic things.

Keeping that in mind, here’s a look at the good, the bad, and the ugly matchups that could be this year’s World Series:

You forgot "the useless." Oh wait, you're not playing in the playoffs are you? Nevermind.

BOOM! Nailed that one. ::high-fives everyone in the room::

THE GOOD:

CUBS-RED SOX: This is the ultimate matchup, one that makes Bud Selig and Fox television executives drool at the mere thought.

Why should anybody fucking care about Bud Selig or Fox. Fox hired Tim McCarver for crissake. Anything that makes them happy should be deemed pure evil.

The backdrop alone would make this worth tuning in for, but this World Series would have more story lines than just the two classic ballparks. The Red Sox would be staking a claim to dominance much like their pinstriped rivals, trying for their third championship in five years, and you might have heard something by now about the Cubs trying to win their first World Series in exactly 100 years.

Sure, fine, whatever, if the Red Sox blow the Cubs out in 4 games, it still kinda sucks. A lot.

The only downside for long-suffering Cubs fans is that Boston would have the home-field advantage. But after waiting since 1908 to win the World Series, they could wait a few more days to play at home.

You had me going there. First you said something meaningful. Then you said one of the most useless sentences to ever grace the internet.

RED SOX-DODGERS: Imagine Manny Ramirez returning to Fenway Park to hit two home runs over the Green Monster in Game 1. OK, just imagine him returning to run hard all the way to first base. Either way it will be a show, made all the better should Joe Torre be able to exorcise some Fenway demons while dressed in Dodger blue.

Or, alternatively, it will be bad, because the Dodgers blow. And because Ned Coletti would have a shot at winning the World Series, a thing he deserves less than K-Rod deserves the Cy Young.

METS-ANGELS: Yankees-Dodgers would have been better, especially with Torre against his old team. But New York versus Los Angeles is never bad

New York Knicks vs Los Angeles Clippers. Boom.

Actually, let's back this up a little bit. Why is that never bad? Explain this. What if the Mets and the Angels have 2 very, very boring teams that don't have very many exciting or interesting players and are incredibly different in skill level and the good team blows out the bad team. How is that "good?" Sure, the ratings will be stellar, but who cares? That's just because a lot of people follow those teams. It doesn't make the World Series good.

THE BAD:

CUBS-WHITE SOX: Yes, we know the Cubs haven’t won a World Series since 1908 and that such a warm and fuzzy occurrence would be even more warm and fuzzy for Cub fans if they could do it against their crosstown rivals. But any magic about the Cubs and White Sox playing each other evaporated with interleague play and, outside of Chicago, who really cares if the north side is better than the south.

I'm sort of with you on this one. But I bet you were the same person who was pulling hard for Yankees-Mets in 2000.

About the only fun for the rest of the country would be watching Ozzie Guillen chase rats down the right-field line.

What?

No no no. Seriously. What?

Where the hell did you come up with this joke?

What makes a man sit down in front of his computer, think this thought, and say to himself "oh man, that's gotta go in"? Early 90's Full House Bob Saget called, he wants his sense of humor back.

DODGERS-ANGELS: Back in the day when the Dodgers, Giants and Yankees all played in New York it wasn’t a big deal when two teams from the same city met each other in the World Series because it happened quite often. It doesn’t happen that often anymore — Mets-Yankees in 2000 were the only ones in the last 50 years — but Los Angeles is the wrong city to make it happen.

Again, you pretty much ruled out the White Sox and Cubs as an interesting crosstown World Series, so which is the "right" city. Oh. New York, right? Because the rest of the country totally gives a damn about Mets/Yankees. Fuck you. Fuck you with a blowtorch.

The Cubs and White Sox at least inspire passion from their followers. In LA, fans get worked up trying to figure out the best inning to leave the ballpark so they can beat traffic.

This is a completely stupid and totally false generalization that should be swallowed up by the earth. Cub fans flock to the Cubby Bear in great numbers before the conclusion of baseball games. And did you watch the World Series in 2002? I mean I hate Eckstein and all that, but Anaheim's crowd was blanketed with thunder sticks both pounding together and making that blasted "X" formation. There was a shitload of passion in that series.

THE UGLY:

RAYS-DIAMONDBACKS: Let’s get this straight: Eva Longoria is one of the stars on “Desperate Housewives” who is married to Tony Parker of the San Antonio Spurs. Evan Longoria is the third baseman for Tampa Bay who always seems to hit crucial home runs. That should take about 10 minutes for Tim McCarver to explain during Game 1, after which there will be little left to do other than ponder the dismal ugliness of Tropicana Field and wonder why Randy Johnson is always so surly.

I actually have to give it up here. Nice McCarver burn.

TWINS-BREWERS: The Twins are a decent enough story, a young team that wasn’t supposed to do anything this year after losing Johan Santana to the Mets. The Brewers aren’t bad, either, especially if they make the playoffs after firing their manager with just two weeks left in the season. Match them together, though, and you’ve got a dud of a World Series played out in small-market Midwestern cities that not even the
super-sized presence of Prince Fielder can save.

Everyone hates a World Series full of budding young stars, right? No, in all honesty, this paragraph is a lame copout and I'm pretty sure fuck Justin Morneau that Tim Dahlberg has some sort of financial stake in Fox's ratings or some shit like that, because that's honestly 100% of your reasoning behind each and every one of these claims. The Twins are a bunch of lucky fuckbags that admittedly play a very exciting style of baseball. I would definitely love to see the Brewers in the World Series. They're an incredibly exciting team with young talent all over the diamond. You can't see anything in them except the fact that they have a fat vegetarian slugger and fired their manager last week. Fuck you, Tim.

TNTMQR: Obviously I'm Biased

But TMQ is still a pretentious ass-hat.

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk No. 2: Trailing Dallas 24-9 early in the fourth quarter, Green Bay faced fourth-and-2 on its 35, and sent in a punt unit. "Got to be a fake," yours truly thought -- boom went the punt, and Dallas scored on its possession to ice the game. As TMQ endlessly notes, teams that punt on fourth-and-short when trailing in the fourth quarter almost always go on to lose.

With 13:55 left in the game, and down by 15 points, it's always best to take a risk that will immediately put your opponent in field goal range if the gamble doesn't pay off

Best Purist Drive: Jacksonville ran an 18-play, 82-yard drive that consumed 12 minutes and 18 seconds of the fourth quarter. Fourteen of the snaps were rushes; the result was a field goal that put the Jags ahead 20-14 with 2:36 remaining.

Jacksonville kicked the field goal on 4th down from the Colts 4 yard line! Doesn't Jack of the River know that the average play from scrimmage gains 5 yards!? With 2:33 left and a 6 point lead the Jags lined up to kick-off to the Colts, whose quarterback has more 4th quarter come from behind wins than any other active NFL quarterback. "They should onside kick it" said the tastefully named, official son of TMQ, Spencer Easterbrook. Even my 12 year old son knew the Jags shouldn't risk giving Peyton Manning the ball back with so much time! BOOM went the kick, and TMQ needn't tell you that the Colts scored the winning touchdown just 1:26 later.

Network Priorities Praised: TMQ lives in the Washington, D.C., area, where endlessly the network affiliates show excruciatingly dull Baltimore Ravens games instead of whatever the day's headliner is, on the theory that Washington is a "secondary market" for Baltimore.

Who are the Ravens, and why are they playing in the Nevermores' stadium?

Look, I hate watching the Redskins play, but Baltimore, MD (where the Ravens play) and Landover, MD (where the Redskins play) are only 50 miles apart. In that space, there are fans of both teams. Please do like me, and get over it.

On Sunday, WUSA, the CBS affiliate, had the late slot and showed Pittsburgh at Philadelphia, the headliner game, not the Cleveland-Baltimore stinker.Good call!

Easterbrook, the guy who constantly writes about how DirecTV's exclusive rights to Sunday Ticket prevents thousands of fans from being able to watch their home team play, lauds a local affiliate for preventing Ravens fans who live in the Maryland suburbs from watching their team play. This reminds me of a word that starts with "h," hapo...hypo...hippopotamus, that's it.

Pittsburgh at Philadelphia wasn't a fireworks game, but was a lot better than the Cleveland-Baltimore stinker.

Browns/Ravens: 38 combined points, 5 touchdowns, 41 first downs, 5 sacks, 5 turnovers = stinky.
Steelers/Eagles: 21 combined points, 1 touchdown, 1 safety, 30 first downs, 12 sacks, 4 turnovers, 5 second half points = not stinky.

ESPN should blackout this Monday's game between the Ravens and the Steelers because the forecast calls for a 100% chance of stinkyness in Pittsburgh that night.

When Matt Vasgersian Doesn't Speak, Everybody Wins

Some of you may know Matt Vasgersian as the voice of the Brewers, from the Olympics, or even from his days hosting Sports Geniuses on FSN.

Or you're like me and you remember him from his stint with the XFL. His relentless coverage of the San Fransisco Demons or Las Vegas Outlaws landed him a sweet gig on FOX NFL Sunday. He's been calling football games with JC Pearson, who has been calling games for 10 years after his playing days were over. If Buck/Aikman is your A team, that makes Vasgersian/Pearson your F Team. And the joke begins.



The video quality is poor because I keep NFL game recording on a low setting so TiVo can record suggestions, (Who knew the 1980's Let's Make a Deal was back on GSN? Finally!) but for the 30 second clip, there's 5 seconds of Matt talking. Right when he stops, we find out what the Seahawks think about the illegal block to the back. At the 20 second mark, the parabolic microphone let's us know that somebody thinks they're cool.

The lesson that can be taken away from this little clip is always talk. Did you know Qwest Field gets loud? How about a clip of people throwing fish in Farmers Market? Cut to the fat guy who brings the Sea-Fence cut out! Say something - anything - to keep those of us without 5.1 surround sound guessing as to what's being said around a parabolic microphone. Say there's a flag on the field. Mention Mike Holmgren is yelling. One of these winless teams had to win - bring that up. Instead, I get to giggle at dirty words uncensored on broadcast television. Bring on the FCC fines!

[Breaking news - Marc Bulger just got benched for Trent Green. In future news, Rams are 0-4.]

Again? Really?

I thought I'd seen the last of this crap when Mariotti left. But I forgot one important thing: Rick Sutcliffe still exists.

When you look back at the Cubs the year before Lou Piniella took over as manager, they lost 96 games.

That's true. The team had a .319 OBP. Juan Pierre logged 699 at-bats. .245/.271/.339 Ronny Cedeno had five hundred thirty-four. Derrek Lee, the best player on the team, was hurt a lot and only batted 175 times. 80 starts were made by a pitcher with an ERA 5.32 or higher. They were very, very bad.

Two years ago, Piniella's first year, I was in uniform with the Cubs during spring training. We had a four-run lead in a spring training game and a lot of the guys that were on the field weren't going to be part of the team by April, but most of the team was still there sitting on the bench. Next thing you know, we started kicking it around out there and we'd given up the lead. I'd never been in the dugout for one of Piniella's eruptions, but he got up and started going up and down the line saying, "That's those Cubbies that lost 96 games! Now it's all coming out. Now, I can see what they were talking about. Boys you can't win baseball games like this. You've got to pay attention! Is anybody paying attention?" In other words, he went off.

That's how you turn around a baseball team, all you managing hopeful! Make crazy gestures with your hands! Ask if people are paying attention a lot!

Even the coaches came up to me afterward and said "Now you know, man. That's Lou."

How inspiringly irrelevant.

But Piniella was making the point that if they were going to keep playing like that, they were going to have him all over them every day.

While he certainly knows how to motivate, it's Piniella's ability to evaluate that's helped this team evolve from 66-96 to where they are today.

The additions of Alfonso Soriano, Ted Lilly, Jim Edmonds, Reed Johnson, Kosuke Fukudome, Geovany Soto, Rich Harden, and ::gasp:: Jason Marquis had nothing to do with it, I'm sure.

This is the first time since 1908 that the Cubs have gone to the postseason in back-to-back seasons. If you had to just pick one person responsible for the transformation, it would have to be

Derrek Lee being healthy? Soto breaking out? Ryan Dempster putting together a stellar season out of nowhere? Carlos Marmol emerging as a force in the bullpen?

Piniella.

BAAAAAAHHHHHHNNNNTTTTT. WRONG!

A couple of years ago, Piniella noticed Ryan Theriot starting to press a couple of weeks into spring training. Piniella took him aside and told him to relax, that he was coming to Chicago with him. When everyone was focusing on Theriot's limitations, saying he had a weak arm and no power, Piniella looked right at me and said that he knew Theriot was the kind of guy he could win with.

HAH! Those crazy suckers that thought Theriot had no power and no arm were.....exactly right.

Theriot is slugging .351. That's Scott Podsednik territory. He has a very good .375 OBP, and coming out of 2B or SS, he's fairly valuable. But given all that, his complete and total lack of power reduces him to being a league average hitter, even at that OBP clip. He's also not a good defensive shortstop by any means (which isn't really his fault, he should be playing second base on any team with a shortstop than can hit better than Ronny Cedeno). All of this makes him one of the 15 or so most overrated players in baseball.

And if you look at Theriot, he's won championships in college at LSU and in the minor leagues.

This is not a big deal at all.

He reminds me a lot of Craig Counsell or David Eckstein.

Ya don't fucking say, shithead.

When you see a big inning from the Cubs these days, he always seems to be right in the middle of it.

Gotta love this statement. You can't disprove it! And I guarantee you it holds absolutely no water.

Piniella also recognized the problems with the starting rotation he inherited with Mark Prior and Kerry Wood. He knew something had to be done. They parted ways with Prior, but he saw something that told him that Wood could be the closer. It was his idea to put Ryan Dempster back in the rotation and move Wood to the bullpen, knowing Wood's arm couldn't hold up to the innings needed out of a starter. Piniella figured if he was only going to be able to throw two innings effectively, why not make it the last two.

That move was pretty smart, but it completely takes whatever say Jim Hendry had out of the equation, and also negates the fact that Ryan Dempster has pitched better this season than ever in his entire career. Piniella does deserve some credit for making the move, but you're fucking acting like Piniella is pitching for Dempster or something.

Piniella would be quick to tell you that the players deserve the credit.

Because he likes saying accurate things.

But the one thing a good manager does is put the players in a position to succeed. Take a look at center field, for instance. Back in May, Piniella saw that they had only five home runs from left-handed hitters. He said they couldn't win like that. That's when he decided to give Jim Edmonds a try.

WOAH WOAH WOAH. Stop right there. You're acting like Piniella had this nobody named "Jim Edmonds" just rotting away in triple-A or at the end of the bench and was like, "you know, nothing else is working, let's run this kid out there and see what he's made of!" Jim Edmonds was signed by Jim Hendry. Does Jim Hendry get any credit for any of this? Any at all?

Now, if you look at their production out of center field since the All-Star break, it's completely changed, and they're doing it with two guys that had been released in Edmonds and Reed Johnson.

Reed Johnson was also snatched up by Jim Hendry, not manufactured in Lou Piniella's "Players-I-Need-O-Matic Machine" (TM).

He's not throwing Johnson out there every day, especially against the tough right-handers. That's where Edmonds comes in. Likewise, Edmonds doesn't have to face the best lefties. They are put in a spot where they can succeed.

Woah...careful everyone. Sutcliffe just stumbled upon the idea of a "platoon". It's a very vague concept and entirely new to managing. Very few managers can pull off this hyper-creative and complicated tactic.

As great a job as Joe Torre is doing with those characters in Los Angeles, Piniella is my National League Manager of the Year.

This is so ridiculous. Not so much the Manager of the Year part, but how can you be completely and totally ignorant to how much better the intrinsic quality of the players on the Cubs has become over the past two years? Do you know what a difference a healthy Derrek Lee makes? How about having one of the best catchers in baseball just break out before your eyes? Is that Piniella? What did Lou Piniella have to do with snagging Rich Ha-(Hold on a second, "Home Improvement" just ended, and it has been replaced on the television by "George Lopez." This needs to stop before I can finish that word)-rden? Don't get me wrong, the man has pushed a good amount of the right buttons in his time on the North side, but there are umpteen more important reasons to why the Cubs are good. You, Rick Sutcliffe, are the quintessential example of why ex-players should not be given writing jobs simply because you used to play baseball.

Sunday Night Baseball Liveblog: Yankees! Orioles! Morgan! Miller!

I can't believe I used a Bill Simmons joke in the title. Pretty embarrassing. But get excited, people- I have the feeling we're in for a fuckshow of a broadcast. Tune back in at 8 EST for the fireworks.

7:24 CST: We're almost 10 minutes into ESPN's coverage, and Joe has yet to utter a single word. What a beautiful world we live in.

7:25 CST: The first words out of Joe's mouth: (After a bit of an introduction from Jon)

You know, when I think about Yankee Stadium, I don't think about my own accomplishments here.

So what you're saying is... the first thing you think about when someone says "Yankee Stadium" is your own accomplishments there. Joe has some of the most transparent false modesty I've ever seen/heard.

7:36 CST: Jon is "surprised" that so many fans brought cameras to record the events of tonight's game. No punchline needed.

7:43 CST: Joe wants us to know that Derek Jeter received a crystal award today for passing Lou Gehrig on the Yankee Stadium all-time hits list. He also adds some very stern-voiced commentary:

Anytime you pass Lou Gehrig, or Babe Ruth, for anything... that's special.

This is why he wins the Emmys, folks.

7:59 CST: Jon thinks that A-Rod "would seem to be a good candidate" to hit the final home run in Yankee Stadium tonight. Call me nuts, but my money's on Jose Molina.

8:04 CST: Joe's analysis as to why Orioles starter Chris Waters is having such a successful night so far:

He's got all the pitches you'd expect a crafty lefty to have: cut fastball, change up, slider.

So... he has the same pitches that lots of non-crafty non-lefties have. Also worth noting: has "all the pitches" you'd expect a crafty lefty to have, but no curve. This is one of those great double-wrong situations.

8:10 CST: Joe has a question for Whitey Ford:

How far and how often do you get to Yankee Stadium?

That man is a master of prepositions.

8:19 CST: Jon reminisces with Whitey about some old Yankees pitcher (don't know which one) who "lost his no hitter on the one hit he gave up!" Doing this liveblog thing has made start to realize that Joe is dragging Jon down with him. It's a race to the bottom... where John Kruk awaits to devour them both.

8:27 CST: In something that falls inbetween an abortion of a joke and horrible attempt to put a spin a well-known nickname, Jon mentions that beause Johnny Damon just hit a 3 run home run they might have to "start calling [it] the house that Damon built!" Again, no punchline needed.

8:38 CST: This is just me being a hater, but Peter Gammons's saccharine-sweet monologues drive me batty. Just because it works in print format doesn't mean it will work in broadcast format. Gag me. (Larry B crosses arms, slumps shoulders, and scowls)

8:43 CST: Joe demonstrates a knowledge of basic geometry in noting that Jay Payton beat out an infield hit in part by:

Running straight down the chalk line, which gets you there faster.

8:54 CST: Joe fondly remembers the time he hit a home run in Yankee Stadium during an All-Star game. This is at least the third story he's told about himself and his own accomplishments so far tonight. But trust him, when he thinks about Yankee Stadium, he doesn't think about his own accomplishments. At all.

8:55 CST: Son of a bitch bastard. Jose Molina just went yard. Check out my 7:59 CST comment, which I promise on my dead cat's grave is unedited. If this prediction holds up, I am retiring from the blog and moving to Hawaii.

9:08 CST: More Emmy-worthy blabber from Joe:

Any time your name is connected to the Babe's... you're pretty good.

THANKS, JOE.

9:11 CST: The one thing Joe usually doesn't mess up is hitting analysis, but he lays an egg here re: how Pettitte has been pitching to righties tonight:

A lot of guys are looking for that cut fastball, but instead [they're getting] that straight fastball riding in on their hands.

A lefty throws cut fastballs to right handed hitters specifically to get pitches in on their hands. Pettitte may be having success tonight with the straight fastball, but it's not because he's getting it in on their hands. Just saying.

9:21 CST: Joe insists, for the second time tonight, that the Yankee Stadium "mystique" will easily transfer over to the new stadium because of the fans. Apparently he hasn't read this piece by Dan-Bob.

9:23 CST: Joe notes that fans tonight were chanting "An-dy Pet-titte" and "Der-ek Je-ter." But back when Reggie Jackson played for the Yankees, fans simply chanted "Reg-gie, Reg-gie" and omitted his last name. He then surmises that that's the true measuring stick for superstardom- if people identify you only by your first name. And, master of humility that he is, he then asks Jon to simply refer to him as "Joe" from that point forward. What. A. Cockhead.

9:30 CST: Joe tells perhaps the most awkward story I've ever heard, about his encounter with Spike Lee and their discussion about Lee's soon to be released "Miracle at St. Anna." I can't transcribe the whole story, but all you need to really know is that it ended with:

So I told him I'd go see it. I mean, he didn't give me any free passes or anything. But I still told him I'd go see it.

You make (presumably) hundreds of thousands of dollars per year by talking (often foolishly) about baseball. I think you can afford a $9 movie ticket.

9:37 CST: Jon Miller, in a discussion about Reggie Jackson's career playoff accomplishments, just repeatedly referred to OPS as "ops." As in, not "oh pee ess," but just- ops. Say "cops" but take off the "c." I don't know why, but this is cracking me up big time. I might even start doing it myself. Ops? What the fuck. Ops. I love it.

Ops.

10:03 CST: This isn't really anyone's fault, but having Michael Kay in the booth to do play by play as he carries on a conversation with Jon and Joe is awkward as hell. It's like going on a first date with a girl who talks constantly but also bringing your best friend.

10:12 CST: This sucks. With Kay in there being relatively smart (annoying, but still, not retarded) I've got nothing to make fun of. Joe is likely to mail in the rest of the night. Too bad.

10:26 CST: I think Joe's on a bathroom break. Odds that he comes back and says anything before the night is over: roughly the same as the odds that Jose Molina hits the last home run in Yankee Stadium history.

10:31 CST: Just wanted to point out that Orioles SS Brandon Fahey has a rat-like face that rivals Denver Broncos coach Mike Shanahan's.

10:33 CST: PNoles notes the irony in that Derek Jeter just had the last Yankee AB in Yankee Stadium... but in order to secure that title/milestone, he had to make an out. How steely-eyed.

10:34 CST: The camera shows Mariano Riveria warming up in the Yankee pen. Joe's keen powers of observation kick in:

He's still down there in the bullpen throwing. I can see him throwing.

10:47 CST: Well, stab my dick with a javelin. Remember that time I said Jose Molina would hit the last home run in Yankee Stadium's history? You're welcome.

Also- Ops.

10:56 CST: Jon is worried that "it might just now be setting in" for some fans that this is the last time they'll see the Yankees in this stadium. Any fan in that stadium just now coming to that realization has an open invitation from me to go play in traffic.

11:10 CST: I could watch these Dolphins/Patriots highlights alllllllll night. Oh yeah, and I guess that means we're done with the liveblog. And this was the last Sunday Night Baseball telecast of the year. Too bad. Well, assuming TBS has rights to some postseason games, which I assume they do, you'll be hearing more from PNoles and I well into October. Those TBS announcers are an embarrassment.

Ok, this might be outside the juris-my-diction of the "blog" but...

I just had to share this! 

Complete Ignorance

Watching the ND/Mich State game. Two things have really, REALLY made me angry.

1) The key to the game for Notre Dame: "Win on the road." Thanks a bunch.

2) With 2:42 left in the first quarter, Notre Dame recovers a fumble. The color guy says "That's the 9th takeaway for Notre Dame in their first two-and-a-third games."

Two-and-a-third.

Football games are composed of four quarters.

The first one hasn't ended yet.

Huh?

Let's Make Some People Pissed Off

I'm sorry, MLB rules clearly state that you can only win one MVP award in your life that you didn't deserve (with apologies to the Larry B argument).

ESPN's Friday Night Baseball essentially just started with the color commentator stating that Justin Morneau pretty much IS the MVP.

Let me clarify a few things.

Justin Morneau has easily been one of the 20-ish best people at hitting baseballs over the past few years. He is very good at hitting.

He plays first base. Lots of people who hit well can do that!

Justin Morneau actually has a lower VORP than Joe Mauer.

He JUST PASSED Carlos Quentin, who for the curious, has not been playing much baseball the past couple of weeks, and who also plays an easy defensive position.

He is significantly behind Ian Kinsler, who hasn't even played baseball since August the Seventeenth.

If you need a contender, he is behind Dustin Pedroia.

And I don't care what anybody says. Cliff Lee is the best player in the American League this year, and it's not close.

I FUCKING HATE MOTHERFUCKING JUSTIN MORNEAU.