From the Giving Credit Where Credit's Due Dept.

So I've never been a big reader of Rick Reilly (I switched from SI to The Sporting News about 10 years ago), but I can say that for the most part, Reilly's written work for ESPN has been abhorrent.

Therefore, when I was watching an episode of The Colbert Report on Tivo (hear that Pnoles, TIVO!), and saw that Reilly would be the guest, I fired up the ol' laptop and set the keyboard to callously cynical. However, much to my surprise, Reilly was not there to talk about ESPN, golf, Brett Favre, or even sports at all. Rather, he used the entirety of his interview time to talk about the charity NothingButNets, a non-profit UN organization that provides mosquito nets to Malaria stricken parts of Africa.

Maybe there's some sort of sinister reason for Reilly to do this (tax write off, impending divorce, he owns a net factory), but I thought it was a pretty stand up thing to do. Also, Mariotti would never use a guest spot on Colbert for any reason other than to talk about how The Blizzard of Oz is a pox upon the city of Chicago.

So in summary:

Tip of the Hat: Rick Reilly, for promoting a charity when he could've used the time for smug, broad generalizations and lame jokes.

Wag of the Finger: Rick Reilly, for using his columns for smug, broad generalizations and lame jokes.

Less SportsCenter, More Ombudswoman, Please

Skimming across the front page of the greatest sports website on teh interwebz, I found a bunch of boring headlines and a couple of fortyish white guys with impeccable hair and genial smiles. Big deal. But then I remembered the much less attractive but much more insightful ombudswoman with this: ESPN must stop the suffocation of synergy. Le Anne Schreiber: please start the revolution from the inside. I've got your back.

For the short two-week oasis of Olympic time, there was a merciful abating of the ESPN barrage. Schrieber praises ESPN's Olympic work, but also takes on the issue of ESPN's regular and relentless "cross-promotion", where ESPN television specifically tries to promote other ESPN/ABC shows, ESPN the mag, ESPN radio - basically the entire ESPNiverse.

The most telling quote in the article comes from Vince Doria, ESPN senior VP and director of news, which I will vivisect for you right here:

"We do carpet bomb you with information about what you can see here,

Really unnecessary war metaphor, Vince. When people use really unnecessary war metaphors, I think they're really out of touch with reality.

and we've got the reputation, in part from newspaper critics, of being the big bad TV guys that want to capture your mind and tell you what to do and when to watch and where to go

Fortunately, the newspaper critics (despite what the self-deposed Jay-bird might say) still have something to say. Vince: I'm glad to add my little, uncapitalize, hypenated, reputeless name to the list of persons contributing to that completely accurate reputation.

-- go over to dot-com now, go to radio now, go buy the magazine and then come back here, we got four networks; wait a minute, radio's on, go back there."

Just on the ESPN.com front page right now, I see a SportsCenter clip, a handful of ESPN Fantasy ads, an ad for the Ryder Cup on ESPN HD, links to articles from the Magazine... sounds like you've correctly diagnosed the problem, Vince!

"Isn't it also a service to let people know where to find more about what they are interested in?" Doria asked. "We can debate where service ends and promotion starts, but most of the time, the promotion is quick, doesn't terribly interrupt your viewing and provides information that is actually useful to somebody. When viewers complain, do they make legitimate points about interrupted viewing?"

Bullshit. I suppose any corporation can redefine "advertising" as "service" - they're just helping you get another helping of their delicious product! I wonder if this argument held weight when these guys got taken to court for their advertising practice. Obviously, tobacco is a much more damaging product than ESPiN, but there's still a limit to advertising decorum, and ESPN crosses it on a regular basis.

A real problem is cited later in Schreiber's article:

Mostly, the rage seems in excess of any specific provocation -- a recent example being complaints from viewers who used the words "disgusting," "repugnant" and "shameless" to express how they felt about seeing a highlight from "Wipeout," ABC's new reality show, included as a Top Ten Play on "SportsCenter." The highlight ran only a couple of times, for 10 seconds or less, so why were they so bent out of shape?

"Wipeout" has no place in sports. Maybe the problem is with us - who forget what the "E" in ESPN stands for - but I think the problem is with ESPN's claim to being the authoritative voice in sports media, when they're actually the authoritative voice in sucking money out of their consumers. I don't care if it was for less than ten seconds: get your ads out of my sports.

And the worst of it all:

Doria suggested that some viewers are offended by cross-promotion because "They have been told by critics that they should be offended."

Wow.

This quote confirms what I already suspected: ESPN sees its viewers as a bunch of directionless sheep, who neeeeeed that 1 AM SportsCenter to get the latest speculation on the Brett Farve story. That people at ESPN really think they're providing a service by cross-promoting their stuff; they admit to "carpet bombing" you with cross-promotion... and they honestly believe that the people who reject it don't have the brains to decide for themselves. It's getting clearer and clearer to me that the few decent journalists who might work there are simply cogs in a larger media machine designed to extract all the possible dollars from their consumers.


I'll quote something I once heard from Chris W (I think he was paraphrasing P.T. Barnum): "You can't go broke underestimating the American people".

ESPN is underestimating the American people - and they certainly aren't going broke doing it.

Sad (or Happy?) Bill Simmons-Related Thought For the Day

It's Wednesday. As in the day that's three full days after Sunday. And yet, Bill's NFL picks from last week are still on the front page of ESPN.com. They're the featured Page 2 link. The last of the week's games finished almost 36 fucking hours ago. Since then, ESPN's other writers have put out plenty of material. But when the site's editors make their decisions as to what will generate the most traffic, they choose to keep a column in the spotlight that at this point is relevant for no other purpose besides noting how awful Bill is at making gambling picks. (5-9-1 against the spread last week, now 11-19-1 for the season.) So my point, of course, is that this is pretty tragic. Or at least appears to be on the surface. Is this guy really this popular? Really? The average ESPN.com visitor wouldn't rather read something else? Even TMQ's brand new article (which I will attempt to parse tonight, as long as it doesn't give me an aneurysm) takes a back seat to Bill's rotting leftovers.

Now, the reason I say it appears to be pretty tragic on the surface is that there's a chance Bill is slowly approaching the Mariotti zone. You know what I mean- where a columnist generates a ton of traffic, but the majority of it comes from people who hope he gets crushed in a revolving door accident. When Mariotti left the Sun-Times, commenter Larry (no relation to me, but great name anyways) posted a link to a poll on their website in which the split of people said they'd miss Jaybird vs. those who said they wouldn't was something like 23% to 77%. I'm sure Bill's disapproval rating isn't that high yet... but I'm holding out hope that he's on his way there. Hoping and hoping and hoping. That's the same way I tried to solve the problem of being a fuckbag of a loser in high school, and look where I am today!

I'm a Basement Dwelling Blogger Who Keeps His Word

A few months ago, I promised friend of the blog Jeff Pearlman I would plug his new book. It's called "Boys Will Be Boys." It's about the Dallas Cowboys of the 1990s. And it's available today. Although Jeff is a pretty cool guy, the real reason I made this promise was because I hoped it would induce him to offer me a free copy of the book before it hit shelves. Alas, that didn't happen and as a result I obviously haven't read it yet. So how can I still plug it? Easy. Kissing Suzy Kolber has done my work for me. And if reading their preview doesn't make you want to drop some money on the book and read the whole thing, well, I don't know what to tell you. Obviously you're either a tightwad or you don't like things that are funny.

Also, I forgot to link them when I initially made the post, but my implication from yesterday night that Rex Grossman is the kind of QB who thinks any pass not thrown into the end zone is for pussies isn't my own idea. It also came from KSK.

Peter King: Pudgy, Clueless

See what I did with the title there? Expanding Jack M's joke? I know, it's really funny. That's why we make the big bucks, without even putting ads on the blog. Love to. Yes. Beautiful. Alright, enough of that.

This had to be one of the most dramatic Sundays in the 24 years I've covered the league. Around 9:30 Sunday night, I got Mike Shanahan on the phone (now there's a guy who was in the vortex of this compelling day)

It's useless "asides" like this that make Peter a bonafide zilcheroo. Great editorial, jackass. Thanks for filling your readers with that valuable extra tidbit of analysis. The Cowboys- now THERE'S a team with a batshit crazy owner! Buffalo- now THERE'S a town with shitty winter weather! Stuart Scott- now THERE'S a guy with only one working eye! Saying really obvious stuff with a "Now there's..." setup is fucking annoying.

and started telling him about the weirdness in Seattle, about Kurt Warner looking like a '58 Johnny Unitas, about Green Bay leading by 21 and trailing by one and winning by 23 (all in the same game), about Matt Cassel on the road against Brett Favre, winning his first start since high school ... and, well, I guess at one point I paused.

"What happened to the Colts?'' Shanahan said. "How'd they win?''

I don't need to hear Shanahan's tone of voice to know that he was humoring Peter. Yes, tell me another story! Ooh, that's exciting! It sounds like you had a really fun day watching football.

"Peyton Manning,'' I said. "Four offensive linemen out, Dallas Clark out, down 15-0 in the Metrodome, they can't run, Vinatieri misses a chip-shot and it looks like they'll lose, and Manning just, I don't know, wouldn't let them.''

"Wow,'' he said.

That is so neat!

Re: Denver's win over San Diego

The great thing about the (game winning two point) conversion was Cutler's coolness.

Oh yeah? Did it remind you of something one of your favorite QBs like Favre or Brady would have done?

I always say what makes Manny Ramirez such a great hitter is he treats an at-bat in the World Series the same as he treats one on March 17 in Bradenton.

1. I'm not sure this is true.
2. You had hundreds of available football comparisons. Why did you choose this?
3. Cutler has never played a playoff game, and as exciting as Sunday's game was, it took place more than three months before the playoffs start.

Same deal with Cutler.

Yeah, I saw Jay taking some hacks down in Florida this spring. He looked pretty calm. Needs to work on his baserunning, though.

But can you argue with Shanahan's call, now that you've heard his logic, even if Cutler hadn't converted?

Christ. Check your verb tenses, Joe Morgan. Someone get this guy an editor. At least Joe spins his webs of grammatical nonsense on live TV. Doing the exact same thing in a print column is inexcusable.

Re: Green Bay's win over Detroit

Maybe rocky times will be coming for Aaron Rodgers, but when?

"It's only two games,'' he cautioned via the cell phone Sunday evening.

Too bad. Looks like Peter already has Aaron's phone number. You know, they say that after a breakup you need time to heal before getting into another relationship. Otherwise, you get into that nasty rebound cycle and people can get hurt. Has Peter just replaced you-know-who with Rodgers? I guess time will tell.

Rodgers is in a weird spot with Favre.

Thanks mostly to the media. And specifically, you.

At the end of last season, the formerly chilly relationship got warm, with Rodgers going to Favre's home for dinner. But a frost settled over the friendship in the offseason, when Favre retired and then came back, hopeful of getting his old job back, a job the Packers had given to Rodgers. When they both went to the ESPYs in Los Angeles, they didn't connect, even though they were in the same audience.

ESPY-related gossip. Fascinating, relevant stuff.

I asked if the relationship was harmed forever.

"I sure hope not,'' Rodgers said. "I have so much admiration for Brett. I would love for the relationship to go back to what it was.''

Did the Packers even play a game on Sunday? Who gives a shit! Rodgers and Favre may or may not be friends anymore (that is, if they even were in the first place)! I would rather read about the fucking Patriots than this.

New England 19, New York Jets 10

What a segue!

Matty Ice.

Bill Belichick wants Cassel to steer the ship. In the Meadowlands, he led the Patriots to five scoring drives in eight possessions, and on the ninth and final possession of the day, he did what the Patriots dreamed he'd do but probably didn't think actually would happen. He knelt on the ball for the final play of the game, before a two-thirds-empty stadium.

Overdramatize things much? As if the Patriots had absolutely no prayer of winning the game... then heroically perservered, and came out on top thanks to following their dreams and believing in themselves.

On fourth-and-three from the New York 29 with 1:56 left, out of the shotgun, he had dumped a safe five-yarder to Wes Welker to get a new set of downs and seal the game. He didn't try to do too much, just end the game.

Oh yeah, most QBs are going for the end zone in that situation. Gotta pad those stats. Making the safe, game sealing play? Fuck that. That shit is for pussies. My name is Rex Grossman, and I'm here to throw touchdowns.

If he keeps doing that, he might invite comparisons to the last unknown quarterback the Patriots thrust in the lineup after an injury to a famous quarterback.

Fuck you, Peter. Fuck you with an Estes rocket.

But let's not go there yet. Way, way, way too early.

Too late.

Next to the phrase "game-manager'' in Webster's, there is a photo of Matt Cassel.

Trent Dilfer and his Super Bowl ring? A thing of the past. Tell me about a guy who's virtually guaranteed to be better than Tom Brady by week 6: Matt Cassel.

Quote of the Week II:

"I spoke with Mr. Fisher. I asked him what was going on and he proceeded to tell me about getting a call from Vince Young's therapist and she was worried about him. I asked him, 'What made her worry about him?' He stated, 'His mood, his emotions, he is injured, he wants to quit, and he mentioned suicide several times.' He went on to state that [Young] left his house with a gun.''
-- Andrea N. Swisher, Nashville Metropolitan Police officer, in her report of the Vince Young drama Monday night.

Interesting. You know, it's a strange saga going on for the Titans there. I wonder how they're going to deal with it in the long term. Head coach Jeff Fisher sure has his hands fu-

"Mr. Fisher'' is Tennessee coach Jeff Fisher.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH. That's who. I thought you were referring to recently deceased chess star Bobby Fischer, but had forgotten that he was dead, forgotten that he doesn't/didn't have any association with the Tennessee Titans, and had misspelled his name.

Quote of the Week IV:

"I'm sick about Tom Brady.''
-- Peyton Manning.

Did he really keep a straight face (or normal voice, if delivered on the phone) when he said that?

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

Re those quarterbacks you saw in East Rutherford Sunday afternoon:

Favre, through two weeks, has earned $1.41 million in base salary.

The three New England quarterbacks on the active roster -- Cassel, Matt Gutierrez and Kevin O'Connell -- are scheduled to earn a combined $1.16 million in base salary this year. For the full season.

Up is down! Down is up! Cats are making friends with dogs! Future HOFers nearing the end of their long term contracts which they signed at the end of their prime make a lot more money than completely untested career backups! Nothing is as it seems!

Adrian Peterson vs. Walter Payton.

I thought of this Sept. 8, when Peterson, of the Vikings, ran over Green Bay's Al Harris on the left sideline on one romp and cut across the grain for a 34-yard scamper, leaving Packers defenders grasping. I know, I know. Payton did it for Chicago for 12 years. Peterson's done it for one. This new element of my column is not intended to say I think the modern guy is as good as the former guy. It's designed to compare a star from today to a star from yesterday in terms of style of play, greatness and personality.

Talking to Peterson last year, I liked the fact that rushing 20 times for 224 yards at Soldier Field meant something to him because he was doing it on Walter Payton's turf. Most young players don't appreciate history, but Peterson not only knew who Payton was, he knew he ran something like him.

So we're giving an NFL player who grew up playing running back points for knowing who Walter Payton was. Huh. Tell you what- I didn't think O.J. Mayo was very mature until I heard him mention during an interview that he was a big fan of Michael Jordan. Can you imagine? What a guy!

The Awards Section

Offensive Player of the Week

Jay Cutler, QB, Denver. An amazing performance by an emerging star, who came back from throwing a costly interception in the fourth quarter, deep in San Diego territory -- allowing the Chargers to take a late lead -- and drove Denver the length of the field (aided by Ed Hochuli) for a touchdown pass to Eddie Royal with 29 seconds left. That made it 38-37, Denver. Shanahan (as noted earlier) chose to go for two. Then, cool as a cuke, Cutler bounced on the balls of his feet three times, a la Joe Willie, and fired a completed conversion pass to Royal between three Chargers.

Everyone break out "cool as a cuke" in conversation this week and see how it goes over. If your friends and colleagues react the same way I did, they'll think you just dropped an obscure racial slur.

Matt Cassel, QB, New England. A workmanlike day (16 of 23, 165 yards, no touchdowns or picks), but let's realize what this man did. In his first start in the NFL, and his first start at quarterback since a high school playoff game in 1999, he jogged onto Favre's new home field Sunday in New Jersey, and beat one of the top 10 quarterbacks of all time. Pats 19, Jets 10. Read Sports Illustrated this week (the big tease) for my take on how he got to the Patriots and who got him there.

I would sooner ride a hot air balloon into a hurricane, but thanks for the offer. Also: I fucking hate Matt Cassel already. What's it been, like 8 days? Awesome. Thanks Peter!

Ten Things I Think I Think

I'm not going to give the thoroughly misguided human (if he or she is indeed human) who began selling the Bernard Pollard Fan Club T-shirts online after the Tom Brady injury any more attention than this one sentence and this one question: What would your mother think of you if she knew what you were doing?

Take that, you possible non-human. You mom might be upset that you are celebrating someone else's pain. Maybe. Or, she might think it was enterprising of you to make money off something as ultimately meaningless as this. Could go either way.

Vince Young reminds me of who Bruce Springsteen wrote and sang about in "Glory Days.'' And Young's glory days were in Austin, not Nashville.

You've never heard that song, have you?

I think it's going to be a tough few nights sleeping for Ed Hochuli.

I bet- nay, I guarantee- that he's over it. San Diego still had 2 chances to win the game (on 4th down and on the 2 point conversion).

And I can't even bring myself to comment on any of his baseball related thoughts. Here, I'll summarize for you- Cliff Lee, Roy Halladay- good?, Red Sox, Red Sox, Yankee Stadium sad face, the Red Sox are the most interesting team ever, Peter King is a moron. That's all I got.

Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen and Welcome to U.S. Cellular Field. Home of Your.....JOE MORGAN

Yep, it's another Sunday night LiveBlog! Larry is on his way over, and already caught a really awful Joe-ism. (I was watching V for Vendetta at the time, thinking the start of the game was going to be delayed a little bit. Underrated movie, I tell ya.)

I'm going to keep my stuff in this typeface. Larry's will be in italics.

Anyway, on to Rogers v Danks! We'll talk later after Joe's stupidity manifests itself (estimated time 3 minutes).

Quotes as close as possible. No DVR here yet.

Here's a couple of pre-broadcast bits from Larry B.

Opening scene of the broadcast: a wide screen shot of US Cellular. The national anthem is playing in the background. No audio from Jon or Joe. After about 15 seconds of silence on their part: Jon: "Hello! We're on the South Si-" He stops abruptly, and remains silent for 10 more seconds. Then: "Hello! We're on the South Side of Chicago!"

Off to a flying start.

Joe talks about all the threats in the Tiger lineup, and concludes:

"So it's not easy to beat the Tigers, although over the course of this season it appears that way, it hasn't been."

So I guess a lot of teams have been working extra super hard to beat the Tigers and keep them 7 games under .500, then, huh?

Edit: Bottom of 1st:

Joe Morgan: Thome just muscled that ball into right-center for a single, whereas most guys would have had a broken bat.

Correct me if I'm wrong (and I might be), but if you swing hard, don't you stand a greater chance of breaking your bat given the same point of contact?

Edit: After reading this, I feel better. I'm pretty sure Joey's wrong on this one.

Edit: Top of 3rd:

This was fun.

Joe Morgan: [Alexei Ramirez] has played his way back into Rookie of the Year consideration with the way he's played in this pennant....winning....situation

What?

Joe Morgan: (comparing Ramirez to Evan Longoria) He's been here all year, while Longoria wasn't there at the beginning or with his recent injury...

According to Baseball Prospectus's latest updated stats pages, both have exactly 441 plate appearances. Isn't that Joe-negatingly beautiful?

One's a power hitter, one's a.....second baseman...

wafij;oslekjfakwef'law;flasfk;laweask;lfasfd

Now there's two mutually exclusive categories if I've ever seen 'em. Ask Chase Utley if that one holds true.

Edit: Bottom of 3rd, Larry B finally here and chiming in.

"Well, you know what Yogi said, 'It ain't over til it's over.' I mean, it might look like it's over for the Yankees, but it's not over yet."

ESPN's Yankees playoff odds: Rays: 99.8% Red Sox: 99.7% Blue Jays: 0.2% Yankees 0.1%

It's over, man.

Edit: Bottom of the 3rd

Jon Miller: It used to be the new Comiskey, now it's U.S. Cellular Field. Try saying that 3 times fast!

Joe Morgan: ...That's ok.

So is "U.S. Cellular Field" tough to say fast now? That's hilarious. And in the process, we've uncovered Joe's childhood fear of tongue-twisters.

Edit: Top of 4th, Larry is on a roll here.

Joe: I always used to say, back when i was in high school, if it's a full moon, and you're out with your date, it's a good thing.

I think Joe is referring to werewolves.

Edit: Top of 4th. Marcus Thames, a notorious hard swinger and muscleman, just shattered his bat in a soft fielder's choice.

But Jim Thome would have muscled it into the outfield for a hit. I'm 100% sure.

Side note: If Progressive Auto Insurance doesn't take those Kathy Griffin commercials off the air, I am going to stop watching TV and move to the Yukon.

Edit: Bottom of 4th.

Joe Morgan: (on the Phillies) The difference obviously is Ryan Howard. When he hits, the entire lineup seems to hit. When he struggles, the entire lineup seems to struggle.

Phillies, April 18-May 20. Record: 17-14. Ryan Howard's OPS: .614.

August 7-August 25. Record: 10-8. Howard's OPS: .492.

Am I cherry picking? Of course. Who's going to stop me? But seriously, I think this makes it a whole lot less obvious as to the magnitude Howard's contributions have on Philly's success. I think what Joe meant to say is that Howard is African-American, so therefore he's awesome. (See: Sheffield, Gary and Joe's well established track record of gladhanding him.)

Edit: Bottom of the 5th.

After Joe Morgan gushed for like an hour about Rogers needing to throw the high fastball, Alexei Ramirez slapped said high fastball into center for a single. Isn't life beautiful?

Joe Morgan: Mr. October... It was a misnomer. People think he was named that just because of those three home runs he hit, but he was always good in the playoffs.

So when you say "misnomer," (a word I'm shocked he knows in the first place), you actually mean, "appropriate nickname." Joe's mastery of the English language continues to inspire viewers across America.

Side note: Did any of you guys this is the last season for Yankee Stadium? Because I sure didn't. I LOVE YOU ESPN ZOMG MWAH!

Edit: Bottom of 7th

Joe has either fallen asleep, wandered away, or is on the can. Again. Whatever old-people bowel problems Joe seems to have every Sunday night, they seem to not affect Jon Miller.

Scary thought: What if Joe had to step in as the play-by-play guy for a half inning?

Bottom of 8th, Tigers have scored 7 unanswered to tie the game.

Joe Morgan: They're not used to blowing 7 run leads either. They tried outscoring them by 7 runs, but that didn't work, so now they're going to try to score one more run.

Apparently, all attempts to remove one of the Tigers' runs have failed!

Steve Phillips just announced that because of a no-hitter by Carlos Zambrano, the Cubs are now the team to beat in the National League. Thanks, Steve.

Larry B and pnoles out.

Unfunny Jokes, etc

HatGuy's officially back, I think. This is his second baseball column of the week.

Cubs or Brewers will blow their playoff spot

Why?

Both star-crossed franchises have a lot of practice at falling apart

Let's stop you right there. The Brewers have historically never been in a position to
do that. 2007 is pretty much the only thing that comes to mind. Lots of practice.

This thought just in: Somebody is going to blow a certain playoff spot in the National League, and it’s going to be almost as ugly as the Mets’ all-time meltdown last year.

That isn't possible.

The candidates are the Cubs and the Brewers, and they’re well qualified for the job. The Brewers have never won a World Series and they haven’t been there for more than 25 years. And the Cubs have a century’s worth of losses packed in their emotional baggage.

See? The 1983 Brewers and 1956 Cubs have more bearing on this year's pennant race than you thought!

Don’t think they don’t know it. The newspapers and electronic media are regurgitating all the stories of past failures. The Brewers are reminded almost daily that they once had an 8 1/2-game lead in the NL Central last year only to blow it all to the Cubs and finish out of the playoffs entirely.

Isn't it counterproductive to argue that TWO teams are good at falling apart by saying one dramatically overtook the other for the division lead?

The Cubs are already hearing about billy goats and black cats and Bartmans and every other evil stroke of fortune that’s befallen them over the decades.

Don't forget "baseball." That starts with 'b' too. Right, Jay Mariotti?

Let’s face it. Both of these star-crossed franchises have a lot of practice at this sort of thing. They’re good at falling apart in the clutch. It’s in their DNA.

Oh you are just the worst type of person.

Watching the Brewers and Cubs trying to get to the postseason is like watching someone with an inner-ear problem and poor hand-eye coordination walking a tightrope stretched over an alligator pit while juggling chain saws. Blindfolded.

.
..
...
....

Throw your tomatoes, people!

("chainsaw" is one word.)

It’s not fit viewing for small children and people with weak stomachs.

You are an unfunny human being.

When September began, both teams were sailing serenely through the schedule, the Cubs 4 1/2 games ahead of the Brewers, and Milwaukee well ahead of everybody else fighting for the wild card. St. Louis was 11 games out and Houston was just a dim speck in the rearview mirror, 14 games behind the Cubs and 9 1/2 behind the Brewers.

Since then, both the Brewers and Cubs have been unraveling like a $2 sweater in a briar patch. Both are falling into panic mode, and with good reason.

$2 sweater in a briar patch. Awesome. Who says these things? I don't even have to do any work on this post. Just copy and paste the words, and let HatGuy embarrass himself.

In Milwaukee, it’s a sudden failure of the offense. CC Sabathia, the best trade-deadline pickup in memory, has been unbeatable, and Ben Sheets hasn’t yet imploded, but the team’s not scoring any runs.

I'm sorry, where do you get off saying this? Ben Sheets hasn't yet imploded? Is the fact that Ben Sheets is pitching very well like, unbelievable or something? Ben Sheets is a very very very good major league pitcher. He's either good or injured. Implosion-free, relatively speaking.

It will be hard for both teams to finish out of the playoffs, if only because so many teams are fighting for two spots, and most of them have to play each other. But it’s not out of the question for the Brewers and the Cubs to go into their final three games in Milwaukee with one playoff spot on the line for both teams.

Fate would have a tough decision if it comes to that. Which perennial loser would you favor? The guys who haven’t won in 100 years, or the ones who haven’t won in forever?

The one with the best team this year for crissake. I guess in your eyes things like that are irrelevant completely.

Bill Simmons and Rick Reilley are worth every penny

I've learned a few things over the past 10 days or so:

1. Joe Posnanski has a large fan base, and despite writing a terrible article about Brett Favre, Posnanksi maintains a blog where he uses big words like OPS+.

2. Sports bloggers are open to any and all criticism, unless it is directed at their burrito house of choice.

Therefore, to avoid further criticism, I will now deride two ESPN writers who I know no one will defend (Because no 1 comes to r site lolz!!1).

Is it a classic if no one is watching? Guess you'll have to take my word for it. by Bill Simmons

This title is mad deep.

I can't let the Gold-Medal Game go. USA 118, Spain 107. One of the 10 most dramatic basketball games of my lifetime.

Hard to believe that there've been less than 10 important games in Simmons's lifetime where the winning team won by less than 11.

And nobody gave a crap or even knew.

Yeah, certainly wasn't discussed at all by Chad Forde, Scoop Jackson, or anyone else who wrote about the Redeem Team.

The game started at 2:30 in the morning ET and vanished into thin air. Only West Coasters and super-diehards stayed up to see it. Everyone else woke up Sunday, heard the score, caught the highlights and never thought about it again.

You see this is what I really hate about "professional sports writers." They can make blanket claims like this, which aren't supported by any facts at all whatsoever, and it gets passed off as fact. He doesn't even provide an anecdote. He's fucking clown shoes.

The biggest irony of this all is that he's lauded as "THE SPORTS GUY," that guy who's just like every one who reads him. Yet, he makes this moronic assumption that only he and five other people on the west coast watched the game. Remember when you were cool, Simmons? You talk about it all the time, yet you seem to forget that for people, aged 16 through 1 day younger than you, staying up till 4:30 am to watch a basketball game on a SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE SUMMER isn't that big a hardship.

p.s. I'm sure no one woke up and watched it on Tivo either. Jackass.

And that's why I hope neither NBA TV nor ESPN Classic ever replays this game. It belongs to me and the lucky few who watched it live and sweated it out.

And the aniversary of this game shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of douche;

Which Franchise Rules Your City? I Have the Answer. By Rick Reilly

Before I dive in, let me remind the reader that Reilly makes an obscene amount of money for a sports journalist. In addition, he derides bloggers for not having the inside info to write compelling pieces like the ones he does.

Okay, with that out of the way, Reilly will now pick cities at random and say which team the city favors most, with next to nothing to back up his claim. Hardcore sports journalism:

ATLANTA Georgia football. Every SEC grad gets a job in Atlanta. The Braves can't even sell out playoff games. Everybody thinks the Hawks moved to Calgary years ago.

You hear that Georgia Tech fans? You like UGA. Bet you didn't see that one coming, traitors.

BALTIMORE Ravens, in a squeaker over Michael Phelps.

Being from Baltimore, I can attest to the fact that this is really accurate. Here's how my thought process went:

Hmmm, Michael Phelps: douchey swimmer who doesn't race specifically for Baltimore, is only nationally recognized every 4 years, and himself prefers the Ravens to Michael Phelps. OR The NFL franchise I waited the first 11 years of my life for. OR That MLB team, which Reilly didn't even mention, whose stadium set the record for quickest to 50 million atendees ever.

Fuck you.

BOSTON Red Sox. Once, Boston was a hockey town, and Orr's Bruins ruled. It's never been a Celtics town—despite Russell and Bird—partly because of the finally fading racism. Patriots? Pssshhht. They're not even in Boston. The Red Sox, though, sell out a cramped, rusted ballpark as though there were Hope Diamonds under every seat. Says longtime Boston sports yakker Eddie Andelman: "Who can have a decent conversation about anything else?"

The Red Sox, one of the most successful teams of the past 10 years, sell out a stadium that holds 30,000 people. There's something special about that team I tell yous.

DETROIT Red Wings. It's called Hockeytown, not Basketballtown.

I get it the Red Wings are popular and rightfully so, but you'd think that it would've occurred to Reilly that the University of Michigan holds the record for largest attendance for a football game ever: 112,000 people. I'm just sayin'.

NEW YORK You see more Yankees hats in NYC than all other teams combined. Win 26 titles, that happens. Then there's this: MoviesUnlimited.com lists 21 flicks about the Yanks, four on the Giants and Mets each, two on the Knicks and one on the Rangers.

There are more movies about zombies than all New York teams combined. Ipso facto, people would prefer a world overrun by the flesh eating dead to a situation where they had to root for any New York team.

I'm done.

P.S. Joe Posnanski could learn a lot about quality and consistency by spending a day in his local Qdoba.

Welcome to the national stage Joe Posnanski! Now you should be fired

Know who Joe Posnanski is? Neither did I until reading his wikipedia page which includes these entries:

"Thanks to his wit, observational humor and interest in both the human and analytical side of the game, many consider him one of the finest baseball writers working in the mainstream media. In 2003 and 2005, Posnanski was named the best sports columnist in America by the Associated Press Sports Editors...On August 19, 2008, he announced that he was joining the staff of Sports Illustrated.He currently writes a weekly online column for Sports Illustrated, and his blog is reprinted on www.si.com."

A fellow blogger, eh? Maybe we should cut him some slack? No, never, not after this article:

Favre is a throwback to what great quarterbacks used to be

So, before the article even begins, we're to assume that there's something inherently wrong with the way every QB except Favre plays the game. This should be informative.

Still, here goes: Bob Griese wore glasses in Miami; Steve Grogan ran around like mad in New England; Richard Todd was getting booed in New York; Joe Ferguson was more Buffalo than the wings; Bert Jones had this amazing arm in Baltimore; Pittsburgh's Terry Bradshaw used to hold his index finger on the point of the ball when he threw; Dan Pastorini loved to throw deep in Houston; Brian Sipe was my hero in Cleveland even though his passes wobbled in the wind (even when the wind was behind him); Kenny Anderson never seemed to miss a pass in Cincinnati; Dan Fouts piloted Air Coryell in San Diego -- I loved the way he shuffled back into the pocket; Craig Morton was ancient in Denver; Jim Zorn used to duck under and spin away from defenders like Shaggy and Scooby Doo running from ghosts; Kenny Stabler was the Snake in Oakland; Steve Fuller was boring in Kansas City.

That would be a list of every starting quarterback in the AFC in 1979. I was 12 then and didn't have to look up any of them. Twenty-nine years later and their names all come back as easily as the number nine multiplication table.

I can name the entire starting lineup of the 1993 Baltimore Orioles. Lotta characters on that team. They didn't win shit, but man did I enjoy watching them play. This has nothing to do with modern day football, but neither does anything you just said.

Now, as I mentioned, there is nothing that sounds more grumpy-old-man than rambling on and on about how quarterbacks used to be better. But that's not what I'm saying -- I doubt very seriously that quarterbacks used to be better. I just think they used to be more famous, more easily remembered, more beloved, more representative of their cities...The only two things I knew about Tampa was that DisneyWorld was there and that Doug Williams was the quarterback, and only one of those two things turned out to be correct.

I can't tell you anything about Minnesota except that they have lakes and Tavaris Jackson is their quarterback. I have proved absolutely nothing about the quarterback position.

That has changed, I think. There are only a handful of quarterbacks these days who pierce the imagination--

I don't know what you're trying to say, but you're probably hitting too close to home for Peter King's liking.

with Tom Brady going down in New England and Peyton Manning looking just a wee ancient in Indianapolis, it's more like a carpool.

We hold these conclusions to be self evident after WEEK 1 OF THE REGULAR SEASON.

You have Eli Manning in New York, of course, though you get the sense that some Giants fans are waiting impatiently for the statute of limitations on the Super Bowl miracle to end so they can start booing again.

New York fans would prefer to boo Eli Manning, than for him to be successful and win them another Super Bowl.

You have Donovan McNabb in Philadelphia, though he has not started every game in a season since 2003.

And therefore, no one associates the current Eagles team with McNabb despite the fact that he threw for about 1,200 yards on Sunday.

You have Tony Romo in Dallas, though he might want to win a playoff game at some point.

Or he could just keep on being a celebrity, which was your original desire for NFL quarterbacks at the beginning of the article.

You have Drew, Matt, Carson, Jay, Rivers, Roethlisberger -- good quarterbacks all, but they're probably not sweeping the nation.

They should be out stumping! November 7th is less than 2 months away!

Finally, there's Brett Favre.

Ah yes, because when you think of Green Bay, New Jersey, New York, you immediately think "Brett Favre."

He is the last quarterback standing, the one guy out there who inspires some of the feelings of those old-time quarterbacks. This is in part because he IS an old-time quarterback; the guy was flinging passes in the NFL before the Soviet Union collapsed.

In Soviet NFL, pass flings Brett Favre.

But there's something else here too, something about the way Favre still plays the game, something in the way he flings footballs into double coverage, the way he seems indestructible, the way he throws TERRIBLE interceptions but then comes back and throws absurd touchdown passes.

It's called being inconsistent; most people aren't lauded for it.

That's the way it used to be. It's stunning to go back 30 and 40 years and look at the statistics of the quarterback heroes. In 1979, Terry Bradshaw threw 25 interceptions, and he didn't even lead the NFL in that category (that would be my hero Brian Sipe with 26).

Terry Bradshaw is also the only quarterback ever to receive more undeserved praise than Brett Favre. Take away that defense and his receivers and you've got Joey Harrington 1979.

The only guy to throw 25 or more interceptions in the last seven years ... yeah, that would be Brett Favre in 2005 when he threw 29 of them.

And it was a truly dreadful year that most Packers fans would like to forget. That's not to say that it was Favre's fault, but seriously, that's absurdly bad.

In 1979 Grogan led the NFL in touchdown passes, but he completed only 48.7 percent of his passes. You know how unthinkable it would be now to have an every week starting quarterback who completed fewer than half his passes? And he wasn't the only one. Williams completed 41.8 percent of his passes that year (a quarterback should be able to hit that many passes at night with the lights out) and took Tampa Bay to the NFC Championship Game.

You're complaining that NFL quarterbacks are now held to a higher standard in completion percentage?

In 1979 quarterbacks threw deep. The yards per completion numbers were significantly higher then (12.7 yards) than now (11.3).

Here's a funny fact, Brett Favre has averaged 12.7 or more yards per completion all of 1 times in his career.

That meant quarterbacks dropped back deeper, got sacked more, and they turned the ball over like crazy. That's probably why America loves Favre so much, he's the last of the throw-hicans, he's up at the top of nearly every quarterback category, good and bad, most touchdowns, most interceptions, third most fumbles, seventh-most sacked, he's been thrilling fans and driving them crazy for 17 years now.

I can't believe this needs explaining. The object of football is to score more points than your opponent. By throwing interceptions, fumbling, and taking sacks that lead to punts, not only are you surrendering an opportunity to score, but you are allowing your opponent the chance to gain points. Therefore, turnovers/sacks= bad = something you don't want your qb doing.

That's what it used to mean to be a quarterback. That changed. Coaches took over the game. Geniuses started calling plays. Everyone started demanding more prudent football. Defenses got more sophisticated and specialized. Sackers got bigger and stronger and faster and more dangerous. Quarterbacks were told to "manage" the game rather than "win" the game.

What a crying fucking shame that NFL quarterbacks have been forced to accept that pro football is a team game, and every team is much better off if their quarterback doesn't throw interceptions in attempt to play the game like it used to be played.

Fantasy football became the rage so that now every David Garrard interception in Jacksonville infuriates some doctor in Ann Arbor, some insurance person in Toledo and some farmer in Kansas and some home builder in Orange County.

You know who's probably also a bit peeved? Jacksonville fans because their team now has a statistically worse chance of winning.

Peep this # of interceptions to % chance of victory chart (this is for playoff games in the Superbowl era):

0 = .790
1 = .567
2 = .318
3 = .161
4 = .037
5 = .000
6 = .000

So let me close by asking, if you were at Lambeau Field on January 20th, 2008, which of the following were you more likely to hear a Packers' fan say after Favre threw that second interception:

A. Man, I just love watching Favre play the game like it used to be played.

B. We are totally fucking boned right now.

Quickie: Pete Prisco Does Not Understand The Meaning of the Word "Perspective"

http://www.sportsline.com/nfl/story/10971346

Turner's record Week 1 performance proves this critic wrong