Peter King: Fat, Stupid

Reading MMQB is like going to Chipotle. Every time you walk in, you hope it's going to be as good or better than Qdoba, but it never is. The point I'm trying to make is that Qdoba's steak queso burrito is outrageous, New York Magazine called it "a playful but mysterious little dish." Also Peter King probably eats 12 or 13 of those a day.

VINDICTIVE MANNY STAT OF THE WEEK

The first month on new jobs for Manny Ramirez and the man who replaced him in Boston, Jason Bay:

Manny:
AVG: .415
OBP: .508
H: 44
HR: 9
RBI: 25

Bay:
AVG: .315
OBP: .358
H: 35
HR: 4
RBI: 29

Ramirez is unconscious, as we figured he might be, trying to show the Red Sox didn't appreciate him.

Get it? Because Manny is sometimes lazy in the outfield. He makes a lot of stupid mistakes. I guess the main bullet point of my presentation would be that Manny Ramirez isn't a very good fielder.

But Bay's been superb with runners in scoring position, and 29 RBIs in August -- in any month, for that matter -- is big-time production.

Yes, RBI's, the great equalizer among all hitters. In no way are RBI's related to your teamate's ability to get on base. Take your "unconcious" .508 OBP and jam it up your ass Manny.

Later in the column:

Is Dustin Pedroia a real person? He just had a 43-hit month, with six home runs. He is 5-foot-8, maybe. He just went 4-for-4 on back-to-back nights, reaching base 10 times in 10 appearances in the two games. Terry Francona batted him cleanup twice. Ozzie Guillen pitched to David Ortiz and intentionally walked Pedroia. Ozzie Guillen said, "I just [intentionally] walked a jockey.'' This is an amazing story we're watching.

So in sum:

Over the past month, Pedroia and Manny have almost the identical number of hits, and Manny has 3 more home runs. Here's how Peter King sees it:

Manny = Asshole having flukey month
Pedroia = The most amazing story ever! I texted Pedroia to ask him how it feels to be having the greatest season ever, and he wrote back "Plz stop txting me." His focus is unbelievable!

1b. I like the reinstatement of Pacman Jones, or Adam Jones, or whatever his name is this week.

Notice PK's use of the nickname Pacman Jones...

1k. The Dayton Daily News, one of the papers covering the Bengals daily, has begun referring to Chad Johnson as Chad Ocho Cinco, from the looks of Saturday's paper. "The week leading up to the Baltimore game represents the first full week of practice time Ocho Cinco, T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Carson Palmer will have together since the 2007 season finale at Miami,'' beat man Chick Ludwig wrote Saturday, apparently with a straight face.

Are you fucking kidding me? In 1b, you refer to a player by his nickname, and then 9 bullet points later you deride a writer for referring to a player by the nickname they legally adopted. You are a fat asshole.

Let's Meet Filip.

This is Filip. Filip Bondy. (..what?) Filip has some beliefs about the New York Yankees. Sometimes, Filip thinks things that aren't true! I have been told that my job description entails shouting needlessly at screw-ups like Filip until I'm blue in the face (what's the deal with that figure of speech anyway?). So let's get started.

Betting on young arms cost Yankees the season
Starting pitchers’ injuries leave Bombers scrambling for makeshift rotations

Well this seems pretty reasonable. This is kind of what screwed up the Yankees this season. Point: Filip. Score: pnoles: 0, Filip: 1

By Filip Bondy

Oh boy. That's your actual name isn't it. That doesn't really help your cause. Score: pnoles: 1, Filip: 1

The Yankees are dead. Long live the Mets.

To which I thrust the following label into your face. "More hyperbole than you can shake a stick at." All hail the 77-61 Mets. Can you imagine how the Mets' royal subjects would address them? "Would you like a glass of wine today, Your Above-Averageness?"

By the way: The difference between the "dead" Yankees and the "long-living" Mets is 3 wins. I'm taking 2 points for this one, because those were two equally stupid sentences. Score: pnoles: 3, Filip: 1

In New York, nobody has much patience for non-playoff baseball teams — even those with 26 world championships, a 13-year postseason streak and a new, grandiose stadium on the horizon.

All of this is pretty fair and valid. Score: pnoles: 3, Filip: 2

The Yankees are mired hopelessly in third place right now in the AL East, and all that’s left is a postmortem analysis and a jolting prescription for the future, which is actually quite simple. The Yanks must remember again that they are the Yanks, and not the Oakland A’s.

The Yankees spent $209,081,579 this year. I'm pretty sure they're aware of the whole Yanks/A's inequality. Although this sounds a little ridiculous, I haven't given you a chance to dig your way out of this one, so no points are awarded here.

It is no great mystery where things went wrong this season. General manager Brian Cashman decided he wanted to be Billy Beane.

Again, this sounds insane. Brian Cashman spent $209,081,579. It is nearly impossible for him to identify with Billy Beane. But fine, you still haven't made your point yet, so no score for this. I'm getting very impatient though! What are you going to (finally) tell me?

And while it’s a nice, feel-good notion to develop your own homegrown stars through the minor-league system, the Steinbrenner Yankees never did that before when it came to starting pitchers.

I'm sorry....have you....paid attention to anything that's happened in New York in the past few years? The Yankees have finished 8th, 7th, 9th, and 6th in the AL in ERA over the past 4 seasons. Their offense has been fucking carrying them into the postseason each year. Can you really blame Cashman for taking a different angle here, especially given that he had a glut of young, seemingly MLB-ready starters? No, no you cannot. Score: pnoles: 4, Filip: 2

From Catfish Hunter to David Cone to Roger Clemens, the club’s aces were traditionally mercenaries, imported to get the job done for two or three years before retiring or moving elsewhere.

And baseball is a business that never evolves or changes. The Yankees were in a situation that is prospect-wise exactly the same as all those years in the past, competing in a market that is exactly as intelligent as the ones from decades past. Never change or adjust to the way business is currently being carried out. I, personally, invested in Krispy Kreme back in 2000, when everyone said it was going to do well long-term. And since nobody got smarter and figured out that you can basically make Krispy Kreme doughnuts in your basement, and that the company isn't anything special, the stock is still probably doing really well (I haven't checked it in the past 4 years to make sure).

What the hell was I talking about? Oh well, I deserve a point for working Krispy Kreme into the equation. He said something pretty irrelevant anyway. Score: pnoles: 5, Filip: 2.

You're falling behind, Filip! Be careful!

Cashman, however, decided to change all that because he and the Tampa cabal experienced a troubled history recently while chasing outside talent pools. In direct competition with Theo Epstein of the Red Sox, Cashman signed the wrong former Marlin (Carl Pavano vs. Josh Beckett), the wrong former Japanese star (Kei Igawa vs. Daisuke Matsuzaka) and the wrong former Arizona Diamondback (Randy Johnson vs. Curt Schilling).

This is actually fairly interesting to see side by side. Score: pnoles: 5, Filip: 3

Having been burned so many times before, Cashman went the youth route. He turned his back on Johan Santana, refusing in a proposed deal to give up the quintessential mediocre prospect, outfielder Melky Cabrera.

What are you talking about? He was offering Phil Hughes and Cabrera in a package together! And we're talking about Phil Hughes the phenom, not whatever you want to call him today. There is absolutely no way that you can claim that he simply turned his back on Johan Santana. Score: pnoles: 6, Filip: 3

Instead he dived headlong into the 2008 season with a projected starting rotation that included young arms Chien-Ming Wang, Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy and swingman Joba Chamberlain.

All four of those pitchers projected to pitch very, very well. But you're right, the Yankees should have totally signed like, Carlos Silva or something this offseason.

What followed was an unmitigated disaster, and one that should not have been wholly unexpected. You place your chips on immature arms, no matter how promising, and a raft of injuries and setbacks are bound to follow.

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Filip! My goodness! That is simply not a good thing to say! It's wrong! Very very wrong! Thing B does not directly follow from Thing A! That is not a theory! That is just a non-truth!

Who's leading the AL East? Who pitches for that team? Were Matt Garza and James Shields considered "mature arms"? John Danks and Gavin Floyd...are they having decent-ish seasons? How about Nick Blackburn and Glen Perkins? Is Tim Lincecum experiencing "a raft of injuries and setbacks?" "A raft of injuries?" Raft? WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THESE UNITS OF MEASUREMENT????

Score: pnoles: 7, Filip: 3 (I resisted the urge to give myself a billion points)

In New York, fans witnessed this sort of meltdown a dozen years ago with the Mets, when that organization figured Bill Pulsipher, Paul Wilson and Jason Isringhausen were the starting rotation of the future.

Stephen Drew is a baseball player.
Stephen Drew is a shortstop.
Therefore, all baseball players are shortstops.

I like using your logic, Filip. It makes proving things way easier!

Score: pnoles: 8, Filip: 3

One by one, these young Yankee arms and tendons met similar fates. Each one went down for at least a large chunk of the season. And while Wang and Chamberlain retain substantial promise, nobody even knows whether Hughes (9.00 ERA in six starts) or Kennedy (8.17 in 10 appearances) owns enough talent to succeed at the major-league level.

OK, sure. You aren't acknowledging how devastatingly unlucky any of this was, but Hughes and Kennedy are definitely, at the very least, question marks right now. Score: pnoles: 8, Filip: 4

This has left the Yankees in the uncomfortable position of slapping together makeshift rotations throughout the season. Even the unexpected resurrection of Mike Mussina wasn’t sufficient to offset the disastrous starting situation. As of this writing, the Yankees owned a 4.33 ERA, 16th in the majors, despite mostly solid efforts out of the bullpen.

But...but that ERA and MLB ranking is totally not out of line with anything the Yankees have been doing hiring mercenaries in the past few years! You really aren't convincing me of much here.

You can talk about the offense underachieving, and you’d be right there too.

Oh okay. I was reallly worried that you wouldn't even acknowledge this.

The Bronx Bombers were batting .273, sixth best in the majors, but their run production was ranked 13th. Alex Rodriguez had regressed into familiar non-clutch performances. Injuries to Jorge Posada and Hideki Matsui didn’t help, and this was a team with too many DHs, too few Golden Gloves.

Alex Rodriguez has been one of the best 5 hitters in the American League this year. But he's just such a fun punching bag!

Too many DHs, too few Golden Gloves......alright so if a team's defense is bad, don't you think that adversely affects how many runs the pitching staff allows? This is just taking too much away from your argument that betting on young arms was stupid. Even if you didn't say anything blatantly wrong in this paragraph, the way you worded and analyzed that entire thing has me 100% convinced that you know zero things about baseball. Score: pnoles: 9, Filip: 4

Yet those were not the reasons the Yankees have dropped so far, so fast.

WHAT??!?!??!?! You're making me fairly angry right now Filip! Here are things you have said. The offense has been mediocre, 13th in MLB. The pitching has been mediocre, 16th in MLB. Now you're telling me that only the pitching is the reason that the team has been mediocre this season? Your brain is a disaster zone. Score: pnoles: 10, Filip: 4. This is quickly turning into a blowout.

They were goners because the starters collapsed and because the Tampa Bay Rays emerged from nowhere.

By counting on young pitching, the Tampa Bay Rays emerged from nowhere to surpass the New York Yankees, who were completely and totally stupid for banking on young pitching. Score: pnoles: 11, Filip: 4

They failed because Cashman threw money at position players, but not at starters.

Because the market for purchasing starting pitching in this offseason were terrible. You could either 1) Trade for one year of Johan Santana, or 2) Sign Carlos Silva. That's. About. It. Score: pnoles: 12, Filip: 4

From here, then, there needs to be a radical change of philosophy and course. Hank Steinbrenner needs to sit down with Cashman and tell him, flat out: We are not the A’s. If you want to be general manager of a small market team, that can easily be arranged.

Wooo hoo! You tell 'em Hank! Give him hell! That's the last time you'll put any faith in some of the best pitching prospects in the game on my watch!

It’s time to chase some free-agent pitchers again, to start making deals, to fill a rotation with 30 year-olds instead of 22 year-olds. The Yankees have a new, expensive stadium to fill, demanding outrageous ticket prices. They can no longer be outbid for the Santanas and CC Sabathias of the world.

Oh yeah, because 30 year-olds are automatically better than 22 year-olds.

The Yankees’ dynasty of the late ‘90s was built around a largely homegrown cast of position players, and with talented temps on the mound. Somewhere along the way, things got reversed in the Bronx. The Yankees chased expensive sluggers, and fell in love with their starters in the farm system.

BECAUSE THE COMPOSITION OF THE FARM SYSTEM CHANGED! HOW IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD TO UNDERSTAND??

Score: pnoles: 13, Filip: 4

That romance has failed. The sooner the Yankees remember their bullying, big-market roots, the faster their recovery.

Now that ever blood vessel in my head has popped, you're finally done speaking. Wow. In re: big-market roots, I guess leading MLB in payroll wasn't enough. Just fuck off, Filip. By the way, you owe me $61,343.87 for surgeries to repair all the damage you just did to my brain.

I win. 13-4.

ESPN.com Idiot Roundup

Trolling around the WWL as I wait for a hurricane to demolish me. Here are two ESPN articles with the actual link headlines, which I did not even fake, even though you might think I faked them.

Article #1:
The final month of the regular season starts Monday, and the one big question that has loomed throughout the season remains: Will the Rays fade? John Kruk provides the definitive answer.

Things John Kruk has a definitive answer on:
1. What does it feel like to look like an idiot on television?
2. Did you really mean to admit that you quit baseball because you "wanted to spend the rest of the year "eating at the Sizzler's buffet" ?
3. Did you intentionally quit baseball abruptly because you wanted to preserve your exactly .300 batting average and exactly 100 home runs?
4. What does it feel like to have one ball?

Things John Kruk has a pretty bad answer on:
1. Will the Rays fade?

But this Rays team has had physical altercations with both teams during the course of spring training and this season, and each time it was the Rays' dugout that got onto the field first, ready to scrap.

I would like to see someone do a direct correllative study to see if there are any connection between fights and wins. It would be awesome if this were true, but it sure doesn't sound like it has any real evidence to support it. If it were true, I would immediately advocate the Reds trading for A.J. Pierzynski and Kyle Farnsworth.

That may not sound like a big thing, but it is, because if a team is scared to be on that field

How often does this happen in the Major Leagues? What are they scared of?

or doesn't think it deserves to be on the field with the opposing team, then you'll see some hesitation.

I wonder what this hesitation looks like. Kruk claims we can see it.

There has been no hesitation from the Rays at any point during this season.

Well, if there had been any hesitation, we sure haven't seen it from those scrappy Rays!

To be fair, Kruk did mention the Rays' rotation as a reason for their impressive season; however, I find it stupid that me mentios the rotation only in passing and focuses instead on their "lack of visible hesitation".

Article #2:
Mr. October? D-backs acquire Eckstein from Jays

I did not make that heading up.

NEW YORK -- David Eckstein as been traded from the Toronto Blue Jays to the Arizona Diamonbacks, giving the NL West leaders a late-season spark plug with impressive October credentials.

In one hundred and seventy-six postseason at-bats, David Eckstein has forty-three singles and six extra-base hits. He just happened to cluster exactly half of those xbh into one game, earning him a bullshit WSMVP and ridiculous adulation years later.

Sunday Night Baseball Liveblog #2: Joe Morgan Likes Manny Ramirez... A Lot

PNoles and I are watching the game again tonight. Should be a real bundle of laughs.

7:14 CST: I just turned on the game, like 45 seconds ago, and Joe has already praised Joe Torre for calling a hit and run with Manny Ramirez on first and James Loney at the plate. He mentioned that if the Dodgers want to make the playoffs, they're going to need to do more of that and stop "waiting around for the home run." Sending Manny Ramirez: pretty much asking for an out. (Too bad it worked and Loney managed to slap a single through the left side. Bah humbug.)

7:21 CST: Casey Blake clubs a 3 run bomb on a pitch that K Zone shows as being about three inches above the knees. Joe insists that it was "up in the zone... for a sinkerballer." Maybe he missed his location and wanted it to sink out of the zone, but buddy, it doesn't matter what kind of pitcher you are. Three inches above the knees is three inches above the knees.

7:22 CST: Jon Miller praises Blake for "coming through in the clutch!" I don't know how clutch you can possibly be in the top of the first, but I guess whatever the upper limit of that categorization is, Blake hit it.

7:31 CST: Stephen Drew gets thrown out trying to steal second. Joe does not approve. Well, which is it, Joe? You don't want them to wait around for the three run bomb, do you? (Actually, Joe's probably right here. It's just funny to hear him not approve of a SB attempt, regardless of context.)

7:35 CST: Joe's analysis re: Brandon Webb's struggles: "Make no mistake about it... when you're going for your 20th win, a lot of things go through your mind. Especially in this day and age, when so few guys get there." I'm awarding him zero points for this one.

7:40 CST: According to Joe, the name of the Diamondbacks' starting pitcher is actually Brandon Wells.

7:47 CST: Joe, re: the Brewers' petitioning of the league to change the scoring of the Pirates' only hit in today's game to give C.C. Sabathia a no hitter: "I've always thought it was in the rulebook, from back in my umpiring days, that the first hit had to be a clean hit."

1) Can you imagine how awful Joe would be as an umpire, what with his complete inability to make tough decisions?
2) That's not in the rulebook.

7:55 CST: Jon praises Casey Blake for squibbing a grounder past Webb (Wells?), allowing Matt Kemp to advance from 2nd to 3rd. He calls it good "situational hitting, to get the ball past the pitcher like that!" Call my crazy, but I don't think there's a situation in the whole game of baseball where your goal ISN'T to hit the ball past (or away from, in the case of bunting) the pitcher.

8:04 CST: Joe is sure that acquiring David Eckstein will help the Diamondbacks because they "need a little more leadership on the field." Hopefully they also need more mediocre defense and poor hitting, because Lil' Eck will be bringing those to Phoenix as well.

8:13 CST: OK, guys. Webb isn't keeping his sinker down in the zone and Lowe is. We get it. You can only talk about that for so many straight half-innings (going on five at this point) before it gets stale.

8:17 CST: Joe, re: Andre Ethier's RBI double with 2 strikes: "Well, with two strikes, he changes his mindset and just wants to drive the run in." What was his mindset before he had 2 strikes? Try not to drive the run in? Foul off as many pitches as possible? Check out the hot girl sitting behind the dugout?

8:26 CST: And Webb is out of the game. Earlier today, the front page headline on espn.com was his picture, with the headline "Oh, What a Webb!" Any guesses about that one? Anybody? Is it a play on that oldies hit "Oh, What a Night?" What am I missing here?

8:33 CST: Jon has a theory as to why Joe Torre is such an effective manager: "He has the ability to phrase something, and not make it sound like a cliche!" (I use an exclamation mark because Jon always sounds like he's excited about everything.) If it even exists, I'm not sure that ability is more or less important to a manager's ability level than filling out a lineup card. We'll call it a push for now.

8:50 CST: PNoles's apartment has several visitors in it right now, so I'm having trouble hearing Jon and Joe over the awful racket going on in here. It is helping me enjoy the game a lot more, though. Every cloud has a silver lining.

8:57 CST: Going back to the Eckstein trade: how the hell did he clear waivers? The whole AL let him get away? Really? Haven't these teams ever heard of winning?

8:59 CST: Since I'm grasping at straws here, I might as well offer commentary on the commercials. I kind of enjoy these Mike's Hard Lemonade spots that are obviously ripping off Tommy Boy, but what demographic are they going after? There can't be a huge overlap between Chris Farley fans and sugary malt beverage drinkers.

9:05 CST: Speaking of how excited Jon gets when pretty much anything happens, Tony Clark just missed a catch in foul ground during an 8-0 game. "HE DROPPED IT! HE HAD IT, AND IT BOUNCED OUT!" Easy, tiger. Easy now.

9:12 CST: As the third out is recorded in the top of the 6th, Joe reveals that he'll be pressing Jon for Jon's MVP and Cy Young picks during the next half inning. Hopefully Joe is willing to give his own opinions as well- I'm already getting tingly thinking about the possibilities.

9:15 CST: Obviously Jon has his finger squarely on the pulse of pop culture; after a brief K Zone montage of Lowe's sinker tonight, he manages to funkily blurt out "Derek Lowe, 'get down' tonight!" Hopefully Kool and the Gang will be visiting the booth later in the evening.

9:19 CST: Joe finally settles the age-old debate about the relative levels of passion for baseball expressed by fans on America's two coasts. "A lot of people say people on the east coast care more about baseball. But I'm a west coast kind of guy! I really think the guys in Los Angeles... the fans in San Francisco... I think fans on the west coast really care about baseball too." Good to have that all cleared up.

9:27 CST: Jon has told Joe to back off the end-of-the-year award questions. Oh nooooo!

9:28 CST: Wait, wait, wait, wait.... whoa. We're back on topic. Jon says some wishy washy crap about the Cubs' whole lineup. Joe then takes the reins. He helpfully reminds us that we won't know until the season is over (thanks a lot), but then reveals his dark horse candidate: Carlos Delgado. His OPS+: 122. Pujols' OPS+ (not that I'm saying he's necessarily the best pick, just that he's one of many potential better picks): 191. Cue up the laugh track.

9:41 CST: Jon and Joe discuss NL Cy Young candidates without saying anything especially dumb. Of course, Joe was quick to point out that many guys have had excellent seasons. As opposed to 2007, when one and only one guy had an excellent season.

9:44 CST: I am shocked MLB didn't bring Dane Cook back for their playoff promos. Why not? Part of advertising is getting people to remember your message, and I don't think Dane could possibly have done a better job in that capacity. Everyone say it with me: there are only how many Octobers?

9:58 CST: I just realized, we didn't have any Joe-less half innings tonight. Either he's holding it, or tonight he managed to take his bathroom break(s) during a commercial break(s).

10:01 CST: Joe and Jon wax poetically about the alleged HOF credentials of one Maury Wills. The comedy of this doesn't really need to be expanded upon much: let's just leave it at his career OPS+ of 88. Although, I have to say I'm surprised that Joe would be in his corner. It's not like Wills was part of the Big Red Machine.

10:11 CST: Sorry, I kind of tapered off at the end there. That's enough nerdery for tonight. We'll be back next Sunday as Joe and Jon continue their elaborate dance of idiocy. Remember, as unfunny as I am, at least I have two working eyes! (I really wanted to end on a high note, and taking a shot at Stu Scott seemed like the way to do it.)

Gene Wojciefaf;ejlfawefak;lfsdf'pawefawski

(I never get sick of "man, old Gene needs a new last name" jokes).

Anyway, he shifted to baseball mode. Which means I'm shifting into shit all over his face mode.

Playoff success all that matters to Angels

Now that's just fucking brilliant.

Josh Byrnes: "I don't care what the hell else happens. I just want the Diamondbacks to win the division and make a quick first round exit."

ANAHEIM, Calif. -- So here are the Los Angeles Angels, who pretty much clinched the American League West on Opening Day, who are so good opposing coaches tell closer Francisco Rodriguez, "We don't really like to play you guys," who might have the best owner in baseball and whose clubhouse might be the dullest thing this side of "Asparagus: The Documentary."

Wow. That is the worst-composed sentence in the history of the English language. 4 derivations of the word "who". Is that supposed to be clever or something? Let's check this one out piece by piece.

ANAHEIM, Calif. -- So here are the Los Angeles Angels, who pretty much clinched the American League West on Opening Day,

And had a worse run differential than the A's when the A's sold off their team...

who are so good opposing coaches tell closer Francisco Rodriguez, "We don't really like to play you guys,"

Attention everyone! If there's anyone out there that knows something about superlatives, please give ol' Gene here a lesson. Please? This was painful to read.

who might have the best owner in baseball

Probably.

and whose clubhouse might be the dullest thing this side of "Asparagus: The Documentary."

Larry, your Gene Wojciechowski = Michael Scott comparison is reallllly holding water.

They're in the HOV lane for 90-plus victories and a fourth division title in the past five years. And if you can find a weakness in their everyday lineup, the Rally Monkey will wax and buff your car.

OK, I'll give it my best shot.....I'm going to have to squint reallllly hard though.

How about this one? Every team in fucking Major League Baseball except the Braves has a left fielder who hits better than Garret Anderson. This is not a joke. If you rank every team's left fielder by EqA. Garret Anderson is almost dead last. He's worse than fucking Willie Harris. Does this count as a weakness? I think it does!

Good thing too. My car needs both of those things very badly.

Here's the problem: The Angels have a habit of acing the compulsories but falling off the balance beam during the postseason program.

I can think of 1532 easier ways to write that sentence. And only one worse. This is it.

"Here's the problematic nature of the situation: The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (formerly just the Anaheim Angels, and formerly the California Angels) have a compulsive tendency to obliterate the opposition in the primary seasonal region of the baseball calendar but stumble off of a 30-story building in Parsippany, New Jersey during the schedule of baseball events that occur in the future with respect to the said primary seasonal region."

Angels outfielder Torii Hunter sits in front of his locker Thursday afternoon, a freshly poured cup of coffee at his feet, and listens patiently as I detail the playoff exits.

Why is this conversation between these two men even occurring?

Hunter is the guy who left the only franchise he had ever known (nearly 15 years in the Minnesota Twins' organization) for the one franchise he hoped would offer him a free-agent deal this past offseason -- the Angels. So yeah, it's sort of tough to convince Hunter, who literally scouted the Angels before signing a five-year, $90 million contract over the winter, that he might have made a career mistake.

This might be a liiiiiiiiitle off-topic there, Gene.

Most of all, Moreno wants what Hunter wants: a championship. He'll come into the clubhouse, pull up a chair next to Hunter and say, "I need a ring. I want a ring."

Hank Steinbrenner and Jerry Reinsdorf want.....?

Wanting and getting are two different things. The Angels are loaded, although the recent injuries to second baseman Howie Kendrick (placed on the DL Thursday with a strained left hamstring) and shortstop Erick Aybar (hamstring) could alter the postseason equation.

Aybar will be back in like a week. How does that matter?

Then we're talking about a lineup that goes Chone Figgins, Aybar,

Yeah, go ahead and bat that .316 OBP 2nd and pretend that isn't a weakness.

Teixeira, Guerrero, Hunter,

Very good, very good, overrated, still good.

Garret Anderson,

2nd worst starting LF in baseball.

Juan Rivera,

Yeah....no need to mention that he's having an absolutely terrible offensive season or anything.

Or that offense is 100% of the reason a DH plays baseball....

Kendrick

Yeah, so in Gene's world, Kendrick, a very good hitter, bats 8th, while Erick Aybar, a poor hitter, bats 2nd. Great. I totally believe you've seen an Angels game this year, Gene.

and catcher Jeff Mathis.

He's fucking terrible. Every team in Major League Baseball has a catcher who hits better than Jeff Mathis. Even the Angels have very underrated Mike Napoli, who should probably be in this spot in your batting order, but whoops! You just scooted over to MLB.com and noticed that they have Mathis listed first on the depth chart, didn't you? Rookie mistake from an old man, Gene.

Oh, by the way, on the whole, that lineup that you just fed me is not good. At all. Mayyyybe average-ish. Maybe.

All five starters in the pitching rotation have 10 or more wins (Joe Saunders leads with 14).

Those five men are pretty much the team right there.

And Rodriguez has as many saves as the Cleveland Indians and the Seattle Mariners
combined.

Put any of the top 30% of closers in baseball on the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in place of K-Rod and they do the same fucking thing. If he wins the Cy Young over Cliff Lee (who is probably the most valuable player in the AL), that's fucking bogus, 58+ saves or not.

Teixeira homered Thursday night, his 28th of the year and eighth since the trade. That sort of power helps fill a pothole in the Angels' lineup.

No, it filled a Kotchhole. Kotchholes are like potholes except their presence doesn't slow down your car, and have a glove inside them that actually prevents future damage to your car.

Scioscia won't discuss the upcoming postseason because, well, I guess he's worried about the Angels blowing a 16-game lead in the division with 29 games left. This is standard-issue Scioscia doctrine.

"Let's talk about it a month from now," says Scioscia, the manager Hunter calls a "brainiac."

But...I thought the Angels only cared about winning in the playoffs?

A month from now will be the day after the end of the regular season. Then the playoffs will start. Hunter can already see it: a champagne fest, ring ceremonies, a Rose Garden presentation at the White House.

"I got that picture in my head," Hunter says. "But we got a long way to go, a long journey. When you get in the playoffs, everything is going to be different. … We could win 100-plus games, and it does not matter. When you get to the postseason, you got to change. You got to be totally different. Any mistake you make, you're going home."

The Angels can tell him all about it.

Great.

So Gene, thanks for writing this article in which you revealed to me the following things.

1) You have no clue that Howie Kendrick is a way better hitter than Erick Aybar
2) You think that listing off players constitutes proof that the Angels have a "loaded lineup"
3) You pretend that Jeff Mathis, Garret Anderson, and Juan Rivera aren't fucking terrible.
4) You don't have a clue that Mike Napoli exists.
5) You quite possibly are the worst composer of sentences the world has ever seen.

Jay Gets a Thumbs Down

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury of public opinion:

I present to you a careful, articulate, and darkly humorous rip of our own Jay Mariotti by one of his former colleauges. Though I don't read a lot of his movie criticism, I'm a bit impressed by Ebert's capable pen. I think he correctly calls Jay out for his childish antics, and comes off the bigger for it. It's not a long article, but I think it clearly explains some of the self-promoting, infantile and generally reprehensible aspects of Jay Mariotti - characteristics which are not just part of his personality, but which infect any of his professional activities.

Journalism has surely become quite the putrid cesspool, but if some kind of honest self-policing can take place, I have some hope that the profession and the news industry as a whole can re-make itself into an honest and worthwhile institution.

Anonymous Club Official Provides Amazing Insight

From Jayson Stark's hard hitting, weekly baseball column:

But how much is Teixeira worth? If Scott Boras is serious about establishing a 10-year, $230 million price tag on Teixeira, he won't have many bidders to play the Yankees against. Most teams view him as a five-year, $90 million kind of guy.

"What really stands out, when you've got Vlad and Teixeira back-to-back in the same lineup, is what he isn't," an official of one club said. "Let's put it this way: I know which one I fear, and it isn't him. To me, when you see truly great players, they always have that extra edge, that killer instinct. Well, if this guy has it, he doesn't project it.

Vlad last 28 days: .302/.375/.593
Teixeira last 28 days: .396/.486/.670

I can't really decide which witticism to go with, so I'll do a choose your own adventure type thing:

A. Confounded anger: "Seriously, two people got paid to pass this information along. How come they have jobs in sports? ARRRGH!"
B. Norm MacDonald: "Yeah, Teixeira sure isn't PROJECTING. Definitely not hitting CONSISTENTLY and with...uh...POWER."
C: Snippy article ending comment: "Must be a reason this guy wanted to remain anonymous. ZING."

The End of an Era

Well folks, it seems I was the last person in the world to hear this morning that Jay Mariotti quit the Sun-Times. That's what you call irony, eh? Jay, you were a sort of worthy opponent, but FireJay's Jay-bashing finally halted your written word. Sure, you can keep your comfy TV job. But I'm warning you. As soon as I become able to rewind TV, you'll be accountable for every dumbass thing you say on "Around the Horn" as well. So watch yourself.

Anyway, to celebrate 1.25 or so years of hatin' on him, we're going to count down the Top Ten Ridiculous/Stupid Jay Moments in FireJay history. It was a fun list to make indeed. I'm going to try to provide as much context as I can for each.

Here we go!

10) “Lou Piniella Gone By Labor Day”

That's what the man said, despite having watched the Cubs play a brand of ball best characterized as dumb and erratic even by their rock-headed standards. He is asking for your patience, oh great sufferers and masochists, and upon hearing his plea before a 9-4 loss to the Florida Marlins, I promptly adjusted the over-under date on my Lou Flees Wrigleyville Meter.

The new wager: He doesn't last past Labor Day.

Isn't hindsight fun? Jay said this in the first half of the 2007 baseball season. With his team not in any peril and bound to improve, Piniella's was among the safest jobs in the world. In the post regarding this one, I made Jay a bet. If Jay lost, he had to say one nice thing about Ozzie Guillen. Hasn't happened yet. Lesson: Don't make bets with a dishonest blowhard.

9) “Failure to grasp the term “underdog”.

Larry handled this one, and here's his quoted post.

"If you were evaluating two teams about to match up against each other in the playoffs, and you could only use one of the following pieces of data to decide which was more likely to win, which would you choose?

(a) The teams' records this season
(b) The teams' records last season

Only one of these answers is right. And it's not the one Jay Mariotti picked earlier today on "Around the Horn." Never one to let a perfectly good point slip past him without coming up with some outrageous way to try and disagree with it, when a fellow panelist who was talking about the College World Series said he was rooting for Fresno State because they're a good underdog story, Jay countered with:

But Georgia had a losing record in 2007, so they're even more of an underdog!"

I hope Tony Reali dropped you like 7 points for this one. However, apparently Tim Cowlishaw's "cleanup on aisle Woody" joke from yesterday was worth +10. So maybe losing RealiPoints isn't that big a deal. I'll rephrase: I hope someone breaks your legs.

8) “Trade Jason Marquis”

Among them is a starter, Jason Marquis, who somehow won a rotation job after telling management that he, the great Jason Marquis -- who was left off postseason rosters the last two years -- would request a trade if he was moved to the bullpen. I say trade Marquis to Boston for Coco Crisp, center-field insurance for Felix Pie, while his ERA is still under 5.00.

A classic expert from Jay's short handbook, "GM-ing for dummies." In Jay's world, every trade is possible, especially throwing a worthless-ish pitcher to a team with a truckload of pitching depth for one of the three most useful 4th outfielders in the game.

7) “Shot at Harrelson”

Harrelson doesn't bring in audiences as much as he scares them away or makes them cringe, whether it's throwing one of his dead-air fits, blaming every loss on the umps or lowering himself to pick fights with media members far more professional and accomplished than him.

Consider it one more reason, along with the extension given to Ozzie Guillen, that the Sox are locked in as Chicago's second-class ballclub for years to come.

How right you are. When you have a personal feud with someone, you are allowed to blame them for everything that goes wrong with anything. Ken Harrelson is, and probably always has been the main reason that there's more Cubs fans that White Sox fans.

6) “Torii Hunter > Nick Swisher”

Hate to be cynical about Ken Williams' belated offseason attempt to redeem himself, but acquiring Nick Swisher only assures the Sox of one thing: They're a little better than the Kansas City Royals.

As an auxiliary addition, the shaggy-haired outfielder might be a clever idea. But as a centerpiece of a disappointing winter, he's the booby prize after Williams lost big targets Torii Hunter and Miguel Cabrera to real American League contenders in Anaheim and Detroit.

Okay, so 80% of a sub-par season from Nick Swisher later, this doesn't seem that bad, even though Hunter and Swisher have been roughly equivalent offensively this year by EqA. But when it was written, Swisher was coming off two straight .300+ EqA seasons, while Hunter was still struggling to cross that oh-so-elusive .340 OBP barrier in a season (comically, his OBP this season so far is .339). Later, he wrote that Nick Swisher was a "complimentary cog" while implying "Torii Hunter" was a difference maker. Poppycock. Pure balderdash.

5) “Chicago Tourism”

To show off Chicago, you reject the Kennedy Expy. for Peterson Avenue and take Lake Shore Drive toward the skyline. You visit the museums and stores, do a comedy club, hang out in Bucktown, avoid Trump Tower, ride an elevator to the top of the Hancock, then pick any one of 100 good places for dinner. You hail a cab to a jukebox bar and drink longnecks in the light of the beer signs.

And you go nowhere near U.S. Cellular Field.

Not because you hate the White Sox, but because Ozzie Guillen works there.

If I need to explain to anyone why this deserves a spot on the list, you probably shouldn't read this blog anymore.

4) “Seamless Transition”

GREEN BAY, Wis. -- What a dope, that Ashton Kutcher. Didn't he have better things to do with his life? A lifelong Bears fan from Iowa, he and wife Demi Moore ventured from Hollywood to Cheesewood to see his team play the Packers. They even brought their friends, lovebirds Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake -- the same Timberlake who participated in an infamous wardrobe malfunction at the Super Bowl.

I would have predicted a franchise malfunction Sunday night.

Hey, we needed to make an "ashton kutcher-related bullshit" label somehow, right? This was probably the worst introduction to a Jay column that I've ever read. How do you go from Ashton Kutcher to Demi Moore, to Jessica Biel, to Justin Timberlake, to Janet Jackson, to the phrase "wardrobe malfunction" to "franchise malfunction" (referring to the Bears) in literally 3 sentences? Here's a thought, Jay. If it doesn't fit in the article, maybe we shouldn't print it, hmmm?

3) “Screw 2008, It’s 2001 That Matters”

But if the good people are true baseball loyalists, they won't focus on 2008 at the session as much as 2001. That was when Williams, in a signing that reeked even before we completely grasped the monumental impact of steroids, purchased Jose Canseco from the Newark Bears of an independent league.

Ahhhh SoxFest. The annual tradition where White Sox fans ask players, coaches, and Kenny Williams about the upcoming season. And after a season leaving many pressing questions, and a half-offseason with a few interesting moves, White Sox fans are supposed to ask questions about why Kenny Williams picked up Jose Canseco for like 8 weeks in 2001. Isn't logic great?

2) “Baseball = Black Magic, Ya Know, Because They Both Start With ‘b’”

The seventh inning Wednesday night brought one such agonizing moment. Not to tap into the dark past, the black cat and the billy goat and the Bartman, but would someone explain why a baseball -- which also starts with a 'b,' as in black magic -- suddenly rolled in from the bullpen to the third-base area just as Milwaukee's Ryan Braun was lining a shot down the line past a diving Aramis Ramirez? I'm not saying this at all affected Ramirez's concentration, because Brooks Robinson wouldn't have caught Braun's laser that went for a break-open two-run double. But to witness two baseballs passing in the night, on the same damning play, is just too creepy.

To which I say, the fact that you even thought of this whole thing is just too creepy. Is Jay aware that "baseball" with a "b" is the name of the sport as well?

And finally.....

1) “Jay Doesn’t Know What ‘facetious’ Means”

I keep thinking back to Wednesday, to a post-practice scene involving Skiles. His forehead tightened like a rack of washboard abs. His frown challenged the cojones and competitive integrity of his players. His facetious tone could have cut through Steve Dahl, Dan McNeil, Mayor Daley or any of the town's smart-alecky blowhards. He was in vintage attack mode, firing a survivalist rally cry to his desperate team.

In many ways, it was the complete and total misuse of this word that started this blog. Just look at that word. Sitting there in the middle of the paragraph. Being used for the exact opposite purpose for which it was created. That bit of careless stupidity motivated me to do a write-up of that article. Larry saw it, and in an uncharacteristic bout of anti-laziness, Fire Jay Mariotti was established less than 3 days later.

Despite all of the success FireJay is feeling upon Jay quitting the Sun-Times, I think we're actually all a little disappointed too, because we won't have his awful articles 6 days a week to laugh at. We'll put it this way. If he gets hired to write for some internet site, it'll be a disaster for the reading community. But at least there'll be an upside. He's going to say something stupid. And when he does, Fire Jay Mariotti will be there, ready and waiting to jump all over it. Be afraid, Jay, be very afraid.

Mariotti Fires Self; Blog Continues Existence Anyways

It's official, people. We finally got it done. Sort of. Not really. He's probably just taking some time off to write a shitty book and moving to Sports Illustrated or something.

Anyways, check out that picture in the link: what the fuck is up with that lighting? Is he holding a flashlight against his chest (pointing up at his face) and telling ghost stories?

Someone Please Enlist Scoop Jackson In a Deep Space Exploration Program

[Sometimes, I try to tackle an article but it's just so infuriating and ridiculous that I can't bring myself to do a good job. I'm just too frustrated, have nothing to work with because the article is just an abyss of stupidity, or both. This is one of those times. I'm admitting it up front- this post is going to suck. I'm not proud of it at all. Read if you want, but if you want to spend your four minutes doing something more productive, I'll briefly summarize it for you right now: Scoop Jackson is a fucking dolt.]

The US Mens Basketball team just won the gold medal they were (sort of) favored to win. It's a pretty good story. So if you're Scoop, how do you ruin it? QUICK! Take a fucking preposterously contrarian stance! I'm not even exaggerating- this might be the most outrageous article I've ever seen in that department.

Did the Redeem Team Really Come Through?

Yes. They went undefeated and won the gold medal.

Now what?

Quit your job immediately. Donate all your money and worldly possessions to charity, move to the mountains, and stop bothering people.

Now that the best $40 billion in sports has been spent. Now that IOC president Jacques Rogge can say "I told you so" about why the committee chose China. Now that Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt have ascended to the Tigersphere, while Liu Xiang and Matthew Emmons have descended into an Olympic sorrow that always outweighs the joy most athletes leave with.

Completely irrelevant. This is like starting an English paper about Dante's Inferno with a series of random facts about Italy.

Now what?

Now that the United States has supposedly redeemed itself in the basketball world, now what?

Yes, you read that right, "supposedly."

How deep. You're really making me question everything I once thought I knew. Now that Michael Phelps SUPPOSEDLY just turned in the greatest individual performance in Olympic history... GASP. What if he didn't? WHAT IF, PEOPLE, WHAT IF?

The reason caution needs to be thrown in the post-Olympic detox is because it seems like, as a nation, we are getting a little caught up. Caught up in the belief that USA's gold medal in men's basketball brought back everything the country lost in the game during the past 16 years.

Sweet mother of fuck. Are you kidding me? What, exactly, did we lose in the last 16 years? One Olympic gold and a couple of World Championships?

Some are even going so far as to say this team could compete with, and on occasion beat, the original Dream Team. Again, too caught up.

Maybe. But who cares? Who is judging this team with that criterion? Can't we just be happy with what we've got?

Yes, the Redeem Team did what it was supposed to do.

Great. Here's a great opportunity to end the article, no hard feelings.

But now that we "re-hold the gold," is everything really back to the way it used to be? Back to the way it should be?

WHO CARES, WE FUCKING WON. 1992 isn't coming back anytime soon. We'll never be that far ahead of the rest of the world again.

It all depends on your definition of "redeem."

Semantics. Riveting journalism.

After it was over, Carlmelo Anthony said, "I think we did a hell of a job of putting America back where it's supposed to be, which is at the top of the world." LeBron James said, "If it wasn't for the determination and willpower we had, we wouldn't be back on top of the world, which is where we are."

The question is, back on top of the world or back as rulers of the world?

More semantics. Thank God this guy gets his writing published on the front page of the world's #1 sports website.

Ask yourselves: Was America's mission just to recapture the gold in Beijing, or to re-establish itself as the premier basketball superpower in the world?

Call me nuts, but I'm pretty sure the second goal is included in the first.

Ever since the Dream Team left Barcelona in August 1992, there has been a sweeping rush by the rest of the world to get its hands on what the U.S. used to hold sacred and hold down. And it did.

Right. Because the rest of the world used to suck at basketball, relative to the skill level of NBA players. Once they started learning the game, they were able to raise that skill level and combine it with some crafty teamwork to the point that the NBA players don't have a gargantuan advantage anymore. And they never will again, either. They'll have to settle for "just" winning gold medals while exerting a pretty reasonable amount of effort.

Now, with the U.S. finally getting the gold medal back, it seems that the proper global basketball pecking order is back in effect.

But what happens after this?

NOTHING, WE ALREADY FUCKING WON

What happens in the 2010 FIBA World Championship? What happens in 2012, when it comes time to defend?

WE TRY TO WIN AGAIN

What happens when Kobe Bryant isn't around to make a four-point play with 3:10 left in a gold-medal game to save the team's asses?

THAT WON'T BE THE CASE FOR TWO OR THREE OLYMPICS, AND BY THEN HE'LL BE REPLACED BY SOMEONE WHO'S JUST AS GOOD

The bottom line is it's not always about the win. Sometimes it's not that simple. In the case of Colangelo & Co., there will be doubts -- even as well as they performed -- and questions regarding whether or not they did enough to reposition the U.S. as not only the team that won, but a nation the rest of the world does not want to face on a 94-by-50-foot battlefield.

Here's an idea. Conduct a poll of all the coaches and players on all the international basketball squads that qualified for any of the last two Olympics or World Championships. Tell them that they have to play one team, in one game, with their lives on the line. If they don't win this game, they will be shot on the court once the final buzzer sounds. And ask them: which team in the world they would least like to play in this morbid situation. If any of them don't say the good ol' US of A, they are lying.

Sure, the U.S. beat Spain by 11 to win the gold. But the bigger picture is it beat a team by 26 points fewer than it did only a week before, in a game that should have meant much more to the Americans than the Spanish -- and in a game in which Spain's starting point guard sat out and a 17-year-old ran the show.

It's time to face facts, people: we can't beat the second best team in the world by 37 every time we play them.

Sure, the Americans beat the defending Olympic champion, Argentina, by 20 in the semis. But the bigger picture is they did so with Argentina playing without its star (Manu Ginobili) for most of the game due to an injury, and its second-best player (Andres Nocioni) virtually playing on one leg.

Uh …

Yeah, "uh..." Go ahead. Finish your thought.

Where's the dominance in that?

Neither of those games were realistically in question after halftime.

For the next four years, the rest of the global basketball community will basically think, quietly yet collectively, "The Americans got the gold, but … " In other words, because of the way it won, the U.S. left open the conversation for any and everyone to finish that above sentence with, " … if Ginobili hadn't gotten hurt, or if Calderon had played, Argentina or Spain probably would have beat them."

BUT THEY DIDN'T

Yes, you read that right, "beat them."

I know I read it right. I'm fluent in English. Thanks for being so dramatic.

As in beat the USA, the Re-Dream Team. Even with the gold in its hands, the one thing that can be taken away from this Olympics is that the U.S. is back to being great, but not much greater than everyone else.

Yes, because everyone else doesn't suck as badly anymore.

Teams like Argentina might go so far as to place an asterisk next to this victory. Because, in their minds, they know.

Those are the most ridiculous two sentences in the history of sports journalism.

And, to be honest, that's not what we as a nation needed. The U.S. team needed to redeem itself -- not just to be the best, but to be the best by a wide margin.

1992 isn't happening again, Scoop. It's not. Deal with it.

Yes, the world has gotten much better at a game we love to call ours, and there probably never will be another era when the U.S. beats teams by 30-40 points when medals are on the line.

THANK YOU

But if the U.S. team is not able to expose Pau Gasol in a gold-medal game the way the Celtics did in an NBA Finals, then it's not yet time for us to start believing our own hype.

I couldn't care less how the X's and O's break down. I care who won.

And until the rest of the world is back to feeling that the U.S. is unbeatable in basketball,

This will never happen again.

until the U.S. separates itself from the rest of the world by sending a message saying "this is about more than a gold medal, this is about true redemption,"

Is "true redemption" in any way related to the concept of "True Yankee(s)?"

then we as a nation can't feel confident that the gold medal we just won is going to be ours again four years from now.

I sure am. In four years, I can guarantee you the US will field the most talented team at the London Olympics. Does that guarantee we will win the gold? No. Does it make me confident we will win the gold? Yes. And do I alone speak for the nation as a whole? Yes. The end. Scoop Jackson: in many ways, even stupider than Jemele Hill.