Thursday, October 4, 2007

now, let's cut to dayn perry with some breaking mlb playoff news!

dayn, are you there? please, give us your expert opinion about who the "players to watch" in this year's postseason are. i'm going to be extremely brief in my intro here and just flat out say this is one of the least-needed-to-be-written articles that ever didn't need to be written. if that makes any sense. you'll see what i mean.

October stars: These guys have to step up

These are the guys who are going to be in the spotlight this post-season and, to a great extent, these are the guys whose teams need them to rise to the occasion. In other words, these are the guys upon whom the fate of the World (Series) may rest. Let's have a look ...

get ready for some mind numbingly boring analysis that contains exactly one new thought/mildly interesting piece of analysis.

1. Alex Rodriguez, Yankees

from out of nowhere! who'd have guessed he'd be on this list? what a bold inclusion.

Rodriguez was actually a highly accomplished October hitter until the last two times he and the Yankees appeared in the ALDS. Against the Angels in 2004, A-Rod "hit" .133 AVG/.381 OBP/.200 SLG, and last year against Detroit he authored a paltry batting line of .071 AVG/.071 OBP/.071 SLG.

you can't be serious. a-rod didn't play well in the yankees' last two playoff appearances? i never heard anything about that. i wish the media would have covered it; that's the kind of thing i could read about for months and years on end.

2. Joe Borowski, Indians

pshh. a closer? like they ever matter during the playoffs.

3. Carlos Zambrano, Cubs

When Zambrano's on, he racks up ground balls and strikeouts by the truckload and he's one of the best in the business. When he's off, he's distracted, frustrated and unable to find the strike zone. The Cubs' fate to a large degree depends on which Zambrano shows up.

wow. another dark horse candidate! the media lightning rod that will start games 1 and 4 in the NLDS and potentially start games 1, 4, and 7 in the NLCS is important to his team's postseason success?

(god, i am using way too many sarcastic rhetorical questions in this post. i just don't know how else to illustrate my point. which is why i am an angry nobody blogger and not a national sportswriter like dayn perry. you know what, let's just breeze through the rest of these before i waste any more of your time or mine with nitpicky analysis.)

4. Manny Ramirez, Red Sox

what? no way. no freaking way. he's only their #3 hitter and a probable HOFer who, while beginning to decline at age 35, is still a moderately huge power threat. i'm sure they don't expect too much out of him.

5. Kelvim Escobar, Angels

the #2 starter on a team with a struggling offense? this is madness.

6. Roger Clemens, Yankees
7. Jamie Moyer, Phillies

you know, at least these guys aren't #1 or #2 starters, closers, or #3 hitters. so their inclusion on the list is a little less annoying. still... gag me. just blow out your elbow and retire already, you jackass. (that's directed at roger, not dayn or jamie! if dayn retired i don't know where i would get my bad baseball analysis from. and jamie i'm just kind of neutral on.)

8. Travis Hafner, Indians

how thought provoking. another middle of the lineup power threat.

9. Augie Ojeda, Diamondbacks

here we go! non-sarcastically, this is actually a great item for the list. he's orlando hudson's injury replacement. the d-backs have a very questionable offense, so they need all the production they can get out of a guy filling in for one of their better hitters. i wonder who told dayn to include him.

10. Matt Holliday, Rockies

there we go. that's more like it. who would have thought- the rockies' playoff chances apparently depend on their #3 hitter/MVP candidate!

so let's summarize- dayn perry decided to write an article about 10 guys who will have a big impact on the baseball postseason. he chose: four power threats who hit cleanup or in the #3 spot for their teams, two top of the rotation starters, two middle of the rotation starters (who used to be top of the rotation starters and also happen to be media darlings), one closer, and..... augie ojeda. what journalistic gusto! thank goodness for professionals like dayn who bring us these in-depth stories filled with information we could never discern on our own.


[firejay BONUS! here's an imaginary list of dayn's perry's "players to watch" (!) in the NFL this season:

1. peyton manning
2. brett favre
3. ladanian tomlinson
4. vince young
5. terrell owens
6. brian urlacher
7. carson palmer
8. frank gore
9. adam podlesh (punter, jacksonville; critical to the jaguars' field position game)
10. tom brady

i think that list pretty accurately drives home my point, if for some reason the rest of my rantings and ravings did not.]

10 comments:

William Joel said...

Wow, that is the dumbest post I have ever read, in my entire life. Well done sir jack ass. Not only to you host a readerless blog, but your blog title is insane, and your writing is nothing short of atrocious.
Please, for your sanity's sake, stop the madness you call this shitty site.
You're not informative, not funny in the least, and you have no indside information. So, what are you here for?

larry b said...

oh no! facialized! pwned!

don't hate, man. appreciate.

and our blog has at least 10 readers.

eriz said...

we're here to get trolled by you, obviously

dan-bob said...

w.j.:

The better question might be "What are you here for?

Chris Hart said...

This jackass (haha, pwned) has obviously never read a Jay Mariotti article. If he had, he'd know that this "insane" blog title is actually pretty solid. How can a blog title be insane?... though Jay Mariotti himself is a little insane, so go figure. Did you know that since July 2nd of last year william joel has made 43 dumb blog comments?

pnoles said...

JULY 2ND! ROFLCOPTERS!

Jarrett said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chris W said...

we're getting some odd comments these days

Chris W said...

also: do you think william joel is singer-songwriter-keyboardist billy joel?

pnoles said...

If it is, we forgot to call him gay.