Thursday, October 11, 2007

Ed Hardiman Needs to Drink a Bottle of Antifreeze

Again, as I've announced before, there's no way that Jay Mariotti is my least favorite writer. It's this guy, Ed. Ed is a man who pretty much sits at his computer trying to be funny about twice a week and fails miserably (not that his idiot commenters ever take note -- I bet he filters them). Here he draws up a hilarious passage about The Gipper being exhumed!

The Associated Press reports Notre Dame legend George Gipp was exhumed yesterday. Gipp, famous for inspiring Knute Rockne to coin the phrase "Win one for the Gipper" and launching Ronald Reagan on the road to the Presidency, was driven to the South Bend campus of Notre Dame where he gave a rousing speech exhorting the one-win Fighting Irish to win at least two.

While several players admitted they didn't know who George Gipp was an equal number admitted they didn't know who Ronald Reagan was either. George Weiss admitted bringing in the corpse of a former player was a desperate act but, "...The only other dead legend, Knute Rockne, was booked solid until 2010."

HAHAHHAHAHAHA! Notre Dame athletes are stupid! What a fucking retarded school, they'll just let in ANYONE if they can play football! Those MORONS don't even know who Ronald Reagan is!

But seriously, can anyone tell me if there has been any pressure on Notre Dame to lower academic admission standards in an effort to admit better football players? Has this ever been an issue before? No? Cool. Didn't think so. What a school full of retards.

Gipp gained 2,341 yards on the ground for the Fighting Irish over 3 seasons before succumbing to strep throat weeks before being named Notre Dame's 1st All American in 1920. His deathbed declaration to Knute Rockne might be the best ever given, even if its apocryphal;

"I've got to go, Rock. It's all right. I'm not afraid. Some time, Rock, when the team is up against it, when things are wrong and the breaks are beating the boys — tell them to go in there with all they've got and win just one for the Gipper. I don't know where I'll be then, Rock. But I'll know about it, and I'll be happy."

Bob, an offensive lineman, had this to say "Yeah, um it was hard to tell what he was saying and at one point his head fell off and rolled around on the floor but it was inspirational, though I think ending the speech "Win one for the Swiffer" or something like that was kind of confusing..."

How can you possibly accuse anyone else of being stupid? I think you have the IQ of a grapefruit. And just for future reference, if you want to say college football players are stupid, try not to confuse "it's" and "its" or forget commas before quotations.

When Father Ted McGuiness-Stout was asked if bringing the dead back to life conformed to the theological mission of the school he angrily retorted "Go to @#$% you Protestant @#$%."

ZOMG priests swearing!

Wendy a perky cheerleader, or nubile enthusiasm generator as Don, the school information assistant hastily pointed out, said Gipp was "Dreamy." She later admitted she "...liked older guys cause they're way more mature and Gipp was really old." so old in fact, "...he lived in a box under the ground." After being asked if she knew what "being dead" meant she admitted it sounded a lot like what happened when her pet cat Fluffy went away forever when she was in the 2nd grade.

And those Notre Dame cheerleaders! What stereotypical ignoramuses! They're trim blonde girls with huge tits who just sleep around constantly and once performed sexual favors for the admissions dude just so they could get into the fucking school! Nothing but flies inside their heads! Hell, they don't even know what "dead" means! Isn't Notre Dame some sort of community college?

The overall impact of this desperate measure won't be known until this coming weekend. As for Gipp he plans to remain dead and has no immediate plans, though ESPN has offered him a reality show called "Fourth and Dead with George Gipp."

Wow. "Fourth and Dead?" That's the best fucking play on words you could come up with?

I have to be up early tomorrow. Now I'm too pissed off to sleep.

To recap: Jay Mariotti is someone I want to yell at a lot and just explain to him how dumb and wrong he is about everything. Ed Hardiman is someone I want to hit with a crowbar.


Jarrett said...

I thought that you had just taken part of his article and ripped it apart. I thought, "There's no way his whole article was a weak satire about the Gipper." I thought, "Perhaps this pnoles is a bit hasty in his herculean hate for this clown."

Then I clicked the link. It really is. just. a bad satire. Sweet Lord.

Maybe the joke in his article is not his writing, but rather the fact that is even exists?

pnoles said...

He's like that every time. Click the "ed hardiman" label for more gold!

Larry said...

I hope Fox doesn't pay this guy to write for them.

pnoles said...

We've confirmed that he's a writer for the site.

Also, to further the fact that this entire thing makes no sense, Notre Dame has the highest athlete graduation rate in the country.

Ed Hardiman said...

Thanks for the kind words, I really appreciate you taking time to not only read my scribble but also comment on it. This is very entertaining.

You can't be picky about your fans and a certain portion of them will irrationally hate your guts so its all good...

Best of Luck,
Drink in Hand,
Wish I had the Time...