Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Michael Jeremiah Celizic, Hat Vendor

More Hatguy

Here we are with 10 reasons to watch the World Series. Most people watch the World Series because it's the championship of baseball, a sport they like a lot. But for those of you who aren't sold by watching exciting, high-pressure baseball games, or championships in general, you're lucky our fedora-wearing friend was kind enough to point out some things that you may have forgotten about.

I’ve been around for a lot of Super Bowls, and I don’t remember ever writing about how the broadcasting network or the NFL is worried about the ratings because marquee teams aren’t playing.

Could be because it's the most watched TV event in the world.....

Instead, every year I get a list of Roman numerals telling me the XLI things to look for in Super Bowl XLI. They’re silly things, most of them, because they’re designed for all those people who are going to a party on the first Sunday in February and feel the need to know the names of the teams that are playing so they won’t look as ignorant as they are.

Why do you get these lists if they're for ignorant people? Tell the truth, are you speaking from experience, Mike?

Nah, he was never invited to a "party".

Several more dumb comparisons of the World Series and the Super Bowl later, we get to the reasons.

I: The Rockies

Ah. One of the Ten reasons is the Rockies.

Reason II: The Red Sox.

List concluded.

Okay, so you don’t know who they are because the nasty East Coast media

No need to address this again. We've covered it before.

which is responsible for all of the world’s ills going back to the plague, didn’t bother to mention them until the very end of the season, and you didn’t notice them winning 21 of their last 22 games on the way to the first World Series in franchise history.

Booooooooooring. Fantastic run-on, by the way.

But aren’t we a country that loves things that are fresh and out of the ordinary? And aren’t sports fans always whining about overpaid and arrogant stars? Well, the Rockies are fresh and extraordinary. They also have one of the lowest payrolls in baseball.

Everyone get excited for some fresh, non-whiny, low-paid action!

Here’s our Cinderella, folks. You love Cinderella during the NCAA basketball tournament, why not in the World Series?

Your stated problem isn't that not enough people are rooting for the Rockies, it's that not enough people are watching. Keep it straight.

Plus, they wear black uniforms with purple numbers. How often do you get to see that in baseball?

Plenty. All you have to do is pay attention to the Rockies when they aren't in the World Series.

II: The Red Sox

Wow....I actually hadn't read the 2nd reason before now. It actually was the Red Sox!

That loveable team from Boston was even more popular as a road draw than the Yankees this year. Unlike the Yankees, no one outside of the New York metropolitan area hates them.

Wow. Wowwwwwwwow. This is fantastic. Anyone need more proof that this clown doesn't know anything that isn't about New York. If only he read Fire Jay Mariotti and took note of the "i hate boston's sports teams" label!

When they won the World Series in 2004, it was their second crown in just 86 years. This year, they can make it their second in three years. Do you want to miss out on the establishment of the Red Sox dynasty?

Winning the World Series 3 years apart = sole criteria for establishing a "dynasty".

III: Snowball

This better be a pet name for a player, because if it's about the precipi-

It snowed over the weekend in Denver, the mile-high home of the Rockies. With any luck at all, it will snow again when the Series moves West.

Ugh.

Will they break out the orange baseballs? Will the players need chains on their shoes to negotiate the base paths? If you saw Matt Holiday sliding on his face in the dirt earlier in October, can you afford to miss him with snow to slide on? I’m also thinking chimineas in the bullpens — maybe weenie roasts, too. And, instead of bench-clearing brawls, how about a bench-clearing snowball fight?

a) That was when Celizic learned who Matt Holliday was (2 "l"s please!)

b) Rather than giving him the benefit of the doubt, I'm going to believe Celizic thinks that angry athletes would rather throw snow at each other than punch each other.

IV: Tulowitzki — No, it’s not an exotic Denver ballpark snack that comes from a part of the cow you don’t want to know about.

Right. It's a tropical disease. Remember?

It’s the Rockies' exciting rookie shortstop, Troy Tulowitzki. The kid could be rookie of the year, but you have to watch him because of the name alone.

Read: His name is the only thing Celizic knows about him.

V: Pedroia — Dustin Pedroia, like Tulowitzki, is a rookie and a middle infielder, playing second base for the Red Sox. He says he’s 5-2 and 115 pounds, but that’s just bragging.

Don't even know how to respond to that one.

VI: Defense

VII: Offense


Very specific to this World Series. I like it.

If you find defense boring, don’t worry. The thin atmosphere in Denver makes for a lot of home runs and Coors Field has an enormous outfield that generates hits like few other parks. One of those others is Boston’s Fenway Park, built in 1912 for guys who weren’t strong enough to get the top off a mayonnaise jar. It’s only the most venerable, most charming and most beloved park in baseball. Just looking at the field is reason enough to turn the television to the game. Plus, the Red Sox score a lot of runs there.

Awww, Celizic's getting a hard-on for the east coast again...isn't that cute?

VIII: Manny — There’s not a freer spirit in any game than Boston’s dreadlocked left fielder, Manny Ramirez

Chad Johnson. Your move.

who also happens to be as good a hitter as there is in the game, especially in October.

Manny Ramirez, 2007 EqA: .291
As Good a Hitter as There Is in the Game, 2007 EqA: .339

(Okay, Barry's is better, but we get it)

He’s also guaranteed to produce multiple moments that make you scratch your head and wonder which planet he calls home. He’ll stand at the plate admiring the wonderfulness of what he thinks is a home run, only to be held to a single when it bounces off the wall. Or he’ll say something that makes no sense at all.

What a free spirit.

And whenever he does something that would get other players roasted alive in the sports columns, all you’ll hear about him is, “It’s just Manny being Manny.”

Only from dumbasses.

IX: Big Papi — We’ve mentioned David Ortiz’s nickname once before, but a guy as big as the Red Sox’s designated hitter deserves his own paragraph, not to mention his own zip code.

HAHHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHA

::Celizic opens and begins frantically flipping through an MLB rule book.::

What will make this Series fun is watching him play first base in Denver, where National League rules will apply and there will be no designated hitter.

::Celizic breathes a sigh of relief and closes the book::

He’s as nimble as an ocean liner, except his team isn’t allowed to employ tugboats to nudge him around the infield.

Where does someone get the idea that it's good to write this?

At the plate, he’s always a threat to hit it out. In the field, he’s just a threat.

to......

X: River Dance – If the Red Sox win it all, their relief ace, Jonathan Papelbon, is going to do the most frightening rendition of that Lords of the Dance thing you’ve ever seen. No one this side of Simon Cowell can adequately characterize it. So just hang in there to the last game and see for yourself. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry — and if you’re actually a dancer, you’ll probably throw.

That one is actually pretty interesting.

Great list....except...

1) You listed both teams, and then 4 individual players.
2) Of those 4 players, there is 1 Rockie, and 3 Red Sox.
3) The Red Sox best player this year, Josh Beckett, was not one of them.
4) The best player in the World Series this year, Matt Holliday, was not one of them.
5) Offense and defense are listed were two reasons. Another good reason to watch: baseball. And does this mean that pitching is not a reason to watch the World Series?
6) ZOMG SNOW????

But you know, other than that, it was pretty interesting.

10 comments:

larry b said...

Reason #11: Sports
Reason #12: America
Reason #13: Buck and McCarver- the best in the business!
Reason #14: Things that happen

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure that we've had two World Series champs since the Red Sox. So, wouldn't that make 2 out of 4? Not two out of three like Celizic claims?
-JD

Tonus said...

Math... that's what those pesky sabermetricians use, isn't it? Real baseball writers don't need that!

pnoles said...

Wow anonymous....nice catch, can't believe I missed that.

Chris W said...

#15: baseballs--these are made of horsehide believe it or not, and they can either be thrown for a strike or hit for a home run

#16: people--you wouldn't believe it, but people play baseball games. watch for a person to do something important from the get go

#17: wins

#18: losses

Anonymous said...

#19 an excuse for me to write another shitty article

#20 so that even the most casual baseball fan is able to determine that I'm full of shit

Anonymous said...

Most watched sporting event? Ever hear about the World Cup? Didn't think so.

Eric said...

"One of those others is Boston’s Fenway Park, built in 1912 for guys who weren’t strong enough to get the top off a mayonnaise jar."

I was always under the impression that Fenway was built to those dimensions because of the constraints of the land it was built on. I don't think they built parks smaller back then to accommodate weaker players. In fact have parks gotten siginificantly smaller over the years? Yankee stadium was 490' in center and 460' in the gaps when it opened. This guys a douche.

Larry said...

I like 'Clerks' definition of snowball better...

Jarrett said...

#21 - Joe Torre