Thursday, October 25, 2007

His First Name Ends in "y". His Last Name Ends in "otti"

Who are we writing about?

Tony Massarotti

Hey Rockies, who’s the hot team now?

Hear that, Garrett Atkins? Tony Massarotti is talking shit to your team!

BOSTON - Maybe we all had it wrong. Maybe the Red Sox are the team on the roll.

For some reason, the stupid momentum topic was the focus of tons of debate prior to the series (it would be a sin for ESPN analysts to try to analyze the Rockies). After much useless debate, most people decided the Red Sox had the "momentum". So I don't see who "we" is when you say "we all had it wrong".

For all of the talk about the miraculous run of the Colorado Rockies, after all, Game 1 of the World Series was nothing short of a bloodbath on the hallowed ground of fabled Fenway Park. The final score was Boston 13, Colorado, 1, which might be entirely meaningless were it not for one small fact.

What fact, pray tell? What is the grand saviour of the meaning of the score of the first game of the World Series?

Since the sixth inning of Game 4 of the American League Championship Series — the Cleveland Indians led by a 7-0 score at the time en route to a 3-1 series edge — the Red Sox have responded by outscoring their opponents by the preposterous total of 46-6.

Ah. If it weren't for beating the Indians in the ALCS by HUGE margins, winning Game 1 of the World Series would be meaningless. Good point.

In New England at this time of year, those kinds of numbers typically are generated only on Sundays.

Wha...Sundays? New England? High scores? I couldn't possibly fathom what you're getting at!

By the Patriots.

THANKS DUDE! I WAS SO CONFUSED!

“It gives us a lot of confidence,” Red Sox shortstop Julio Lugo said following Boston's resounding victory. “We know we can hit anybody. Some days you're not going to hit, but we know we can hit anybody.”

Given Lugo's recent history, that is quite a statement. Prior to going 3-for-4 in Game 1, Lugo batted .237 during the regular season and was hitting just .229 in the postseason, which made him one of the few sure outs in Boston's lineup.


Getting on base 29.4% of the time = sure out. I like what Massarotti has done here, likening a Major League hitter to that guy who bats last on your Little League team who strikes out every time, then cries about it afterwards. (I always think...."dude, shouldn't you be used to it by now?")

Can you imagine how confident David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez must feel at the moment?

Can you imagine just how little a sentence can fit into a column? You write 2 paragraphs about Julio Lugo sucking, then randomly you write this, and then transitionless, go into talking about Jeff Francis! This sentence is a desert island, my friend. You sorely need an editor.

A 17-game winner in the National league this season, Colorado starter Jeff Francis today must feel like a college freshman.

Better comparisons can be drawn. Something like "Jeff Francis today must feel like Casey Fossum". When I see "college freshman", images of being bad at pitching or being defeated don't exactly just jump into my head.

The possessor of a 2-0 record and 2.13 ERA in two postseason outings before Game 1, Francis learned what so many others have been preaching for the better part of the last several years. Pitching in the American League is an entirely different animal

Jeff Francis, 2007 regular season, vs AL: 26.1 IP, 2.07 ERA, 1.15 WHIP.

Two of the teams he faced were the Red Sox and Yankees.

The Red Sox didn't score against him.

My only logical conclusion is that Jeff Francis lacks some NL-borne illness that prevents him from getting American League hitters out.

which is why aging pitching icons like Pedro Martinez go out to pasture in the National League.

This has nothing to do with why Pedro Martinez is in the National League.

The Red Sox, naturally, are not your average AL lineup, finishing third in the league in runs scored this season.

Granted, important, true. How can you make the rest of this paragraph as irrelevant and pointless as possible?

Still, Boston's lineup scored nearly 100 fewer runs than it did in, say, 2003, when the Red Sox reached Game 7 of the ALCS. In 2004, when the Sox went 45-15 in their final 60 games to win their first World Series since World War I, they also made this current club look like, well, the Arizona Diamondbacks.

Oh. Like that. Talking about the high-scoringness of past Red Sox teams.

Poor Jeff Francis.

Wonderful transition.

He must have felt as if Dorothy were looking down at him and declaring, “We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.”

What if, in the movie, Toto decided to look back up at Dorothy and say, "Bitch, I been here before. I tossed 5 innings of shutout ball here a few months back!"

What's also funny about that game was that Josh Beckett was the one thumped in the 7-1 Rockies win.

Now, with their karma sufficiently stifled, the Rockies enter Game 2 entrusting rookie Ubaldo Jimenez with the responsibility of shutting down a Red Sox team that clearly has more than just David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez. And so the question now isn't whether the Red Sox can derail the Rockies, but whether the Rockies can derail the Red Sox.

“I mean, I know it has to come, so just let it come,” Jimenez before Game 1. I'm not worried about it. I'm just going to go out there and just face everybody like it's the same, just throw strikes and go after them.”

Think he's aware that they'll be coming after him?


Nope. Someone inform Ubaldo that the Red Sox will be carrying bats to the plate as a countermeasure to his pitchings.

7 comments:

Jeff said...

There's a rumor that the Red Sox fielders will also be bringing some sort of leather apparatus that will serve as an extension of their hands.

larry b said...

Article like this are usually written in the Chicago Sun-Times!

By Jay Mariotti.

eriz said...

welp, since the red sox beat the rockies by 12 runs, they start game two up 11-0!

ps people started this shit a week and a half ago when cleveland got blown out in game one of the ALCS.

"Wait you mean every game is an independant event????"

Tonus said...

Sure sounds like Jay. Only instead of referencing the White Sox record since July 2, 2006, he is referencing the Red Sox' runs scored and allowed since the sixth inning of game 4 of the ALCS. It's eerie.

larry b said...

Good point Tonus. And did you know that since game 4 of the 2004 ALCS, the Red Sox are 15-6 in playoff games? (The Yankees are 4-13 over that same span, all of which can be attributed to Joe Torre.)

pnoles said...

Surely, Joe Torre must feel like a college freshman.

pnoles said...

Also....Jeff...do I know you from somewhere?