what a waste of valuable internet bandwidth

seriously... i dont know how useful cyberspace is for medical research, or fighting poverty, or anything else socially responsible. but the fact that this entry from "jimmy's blog" (by jimmy traina, on sportsillustrated.com) is eating up imaginary room on the internet offends me. isnt there any limit to the dumb crap that a major media outlet will stamp with its seal of approval, and then publish? i hope the fact that this article exists doesnt delay the curing of cancer or AIDS. this is dumb, unclever, not to mention outdated drivel like youve probably never seen it before.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/si_blogs/scorecard/jimmys_blog/2007/05/most-famousinfamous-body-parts-in_1686.html

the article is titled "most famous/infamous body parts in sports". oh jimmy. youre really on the cutting edge of what people want to read about.

You can thank Gary Thorne, a rabid Red Sox Nation and a pitcher who thrives on being in the spotlight for this list. When you're done reading my top 10, be sure to send me yours.

no, i can thank YOU, you unfunny hack. also, anyone who sends jimmy their top 10 after reading this should also send a letter of apology to me, because jimmy might be tempted to make ANOTHER column like this if he gets enough responses out of it.

now, its weird for me to break this dumb article down piece by piece as we usually do because each individual choice isnt bad writing or inherently stupid. well, they sort of are. youll see what i mean. taken as a list though, this is just a pathetic attempt at writing something that people would actually be interested in reading (except for people like me, making an anti sports media blog). just look at the thing as a whole and try to tell me jimmy didnt come up with it while drunkenly sitting around with his friends late one saturday night. the format of the discussion was probably like this:

friend #1: "oh, dude, remember (sports incident/strangely bodied athlete)? haha! remember that?"
*thirty second pause*
friend #2: "yeah and what about (other incident/freak)? man, that was wild."
*thirty second pause*

and so on and so on. finally, 5 minutes later:

jimmy: "so what have you guys come up with, about ten of these? hmmm, looks like my monday assignment for SI just got a lot easier. beer me, brah."

the point is, theres nothing to think about or discuss here. this article is the polar opposite of what people want to read. almost every single incident/freak here has been discussed to death already, especially when you consider most of them were "current" 5+ years ago. this list sounds like "top 100 one hit wonders from canada" or some other dumb countdown show youd see on VH1 at 5 in the morning. theres nothing mildly stimulating about it. shoot, ive built it up enough. lets just get this over with.

1. Evander Holyfield's left ear: Mike Tyson's erratic behavior came to a head on a summer night almost 10 years ago when he was in the ring with Holyfield. During their rematch, boxing's bad boy couldn't resist the urge to chomped down on Holyfield's ear, which stopped the fight.

yup, we all remember this. a piece of pop culture that will be remembered for a long time, to be sure. haha, remember that? REMEMBER THAT? crazy times. i bet jay leno and david letterman still send tyson a christmas card and fruitcake every year for giving them such a bottomless pit of material to work with. something tells me this isnt the last well hear from iron mike on this list though.

2. Curt Schilling's right ankle: Some would say Schilling's mouth (or should it be fingers, now that he's a blogger?) could be on this list, but his right ankle became a storyline in the 2004 postseason and still causes much discussion.

im going to go out on a limb and assume jimmy is a red sox fan. because if i allow myself to completely abandon whatever shred of dignity i have left in life at this point, and actually lower myself to jimmy's level and enter into debate with him on his selections (which im about to do), i have to say this one sucks. at least the holyfield ear was a one-of-a-kind type thing. no real precedent there. but athletes have been playing hurt in big games literally since sports were invented. what about willis reed and his bad leg or whatever it was for the 1970 knicks in game 7 of the nba finals? what about the guy in ancient greece who ran the first ever marathon and died immediately afterwards? why arent his lungs/heart on here? congratulations jimmy. youve managed to make this dumb, unreadable column even dumber and less readable by choosing a not-that-cool incident for it. red sox fans. what the hell are they good for?

3. P.J. Carlisemo's neck: Who can forget the scratch marks left on Carlisemo's neck after the Warriors head coach was strangled by Latrell Sprewell?

remember that? so crazy. so crazy. this incident became uninteresting ever since spree turned down $9 million a year to play basketball for a living, famously quipping "i gotta feed my family, man". at this point he stopped being a violent coach choker and became a financial moron and an insult to the american dream, which is slightly more interesting.

4. Mel Kiper's hair: A slew of sports figures can make this list based on hair (Dennis Rodman, David Beckham, Don King, etc, etc), but nobody -- nobody -- can talk about the NFL Draft without mentioning Kiper's hair, which I don't really understand because after watching this year's Draft, I thought his hair looked normal.

well i cant really rip this apart, considering in the very first post ever on this blog i took a shot at this exact topic. oh wait, i can. the comedy here is how jimmy thinks it looked "normal" during this year's draft. you cant really see jimmy's hair in the mugshot at the top of his blog, but im hoping the reason he says what he says is because he and mel jr. look a whole lot alike from the forehead on up. that would be awesome.

5. Antonio Alfonseca's extra fingers and toes: He hasn't had a distinguished major league career, but the current Phillies reliever, who has polydactylism, will always be the answer to a triva question: Who is the only pitcher in history to have six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot?

go ahead jimmy, take a free shot at polydactylism victims. not like theyre here to defend themselves or something. this choice is partially not terrible because many casual sports fans may not have known about it. still... just like the other entries on the list... once youve brought it up, who gives a crap? im getting madder and madder as i go here.

6. Rich Garces' stomach: There have been plenty of baseball players of large girth, but for some reason, the former Red Sox pitcher became the poster boy for those living large in the late '90s.

at least he acknowledges that garces is not the only fat baseball player ever. but you know why he was chosen for this list? because jimmy (im assuming) is a red sox fan and therefore thinks that everyone in the whole country is just as interested in the quirky parts of his favorite team as he is. its a sad, sad world we live in.

7. Orlando Brown's right eye: You never know what you're gonna get when NFL referee Jeff Triplette makes a call, but he'll always been known as the ref who threw a flag into Brown's right eye, causing the Cleveland offensive lineman to miss three seasons.

no, he wont "always been known" as that. no one really talks about this incident anymore, it might randomly pop up like once per NFL season. though ive got to admit, it was pretty interesting when it happened. i also have to admit, this article is still a joke and i cant believe this guy gets his blog published on SI's website.

8. Mike Tyson's face: Maybe Tyson was jealous that he caused Holyfield to make this important list. Whatever the case, as soon as Iron Mike got that massive tatoo on his face, he locked up his spot.

THERE'S tyson! i knew hed be back! if we assume the theory i advanced at the beginning of this post about how this list was developed is true, this must have been the contribution of the dumbest/drunkest/both guy in the room. dude, he has a tatoo! ON HIS FACE! DUDE!

9. The Rock's eyebrow and elbow: You may not consider wrestling a sport, (nobody who would read a blog on the internet does. not making fun of wrestling fans for being "trashy" or whatever, just saying, i bet they dont read blogs, except for maybe wrestling blogs) but you'd have to admit, (no i wouldnt) for a period of time starting in the late '90s, (and lasting until 3 months later in the late '90s) the WWE's popularity exploded, (if by "exploded" you mean "increased marginally") let in most part by The Rock. (the typo is [sic]. and lame is this makes me, im going to go ahead and say stone cold steve austin was just as significant. he just didnt make "the scorpion king".) And two of his trademarks were the "People's Eyebrow" and "People's Elbow." (this part is true, those were his "things that he did". remember that? my friend jarrett could do the eyebrow thing. it was totally awesome. man... those were the days. freshman/sophomore year of high school. god, i was young then. wait, what were we talking about?)

10. Anna Kournikova's everything: She's still enormously popular even though she hasn't played tennis since 2000. Enough said.

jimmy, you perv. also, no she is not still enormously popular. i have to admit, though- shes the perfect choice to top off this giant pile of vomit of a list. remember anna kournikova? remember her? she was so hot. yeah. i remember.

What famous/infamous body parts have I left off? Let me hear from you.

again- how about no. the internet is crowded as things are. we dont need the CIA's counterterrorism website being slowed down just because jimmy and his friends like drunkenly reminiscing about mildly relevant shit from 8-10 years ago and then posting it online because they think other people would like to read about it. how selfish is that? making a blog just so you and your friends can spout off your dumb ideas and commentary. makes me sick. who DOES that?