Let's Write a Bill Simmons Mailbag Column

Q: yo sports guy my friends and i have been wondering: if bassy telfair, curt schilling, tedy bruschi, and a-rod got together to hang out and watch a movie, what would they rent?
-- joey p, bawwwston

SG: Glad you asked Joey. Me and my buddies J-Bug and Hench were discussing this the other night as we watched "Inferno III" on my TiVo while the Sports Gal angrily stewed in the next room because she assumes we only watch it for the smoking hot women. (Speaking of which, have you seen that girl Jen? Where does she rate on the all-time extremely hot/crazy/partially asian looking/vaguely resembles a hooker scale? I say 8.6, just below Shannen Doherty and just above that girl who played the table dancer in "Road House III". How long before she ends up on Skinemax? I say 3 years, give or take her ability to milk a few more "challenge" shows out of MTV.) Of course, first of all, you have to realize that A-Rod probably wouldn't be invited to that party. It would be like Jet Li inviting Van Damme (we're talking Van Damme in Kickboxer, not Van Damme in The Replicant) to a karate appreciation night at Mr. Miyagi's house- you just don't hang out with your most hated rival, even if you have a lot in common. Plus I can picture A-Rod breaking down crying if anyone asked him about his strained relationship with Jeter; and no one wants to hang out with a guy when he's all weepy about a lost relationship. That's like bringing a friend who just walked under a ladder while stepping on a black cat to a $100 blackjack table at 4 in the morning. You don't do it.

That said, Bassy Telfair seems like a guy who despite his problems with staying out of trouble, would appreciate something a little bit softer on the big screen like "Picture Perfect". (This is an underappreciated classic from Aniston's SUPER hot years, back before she got chewed up and spit out by Brad like Isiah Thomas by the New York media after he trades the Knicks' first round pick in 2010 for a copy of my book "Now I Can Die in Peace" [now in paperback!].) Meanwhile, Bruschi, well, I picture him being a big Britney fan. But of course, Britney in "Crossroads", not Britney during her recent cameo on "Life on Mars". And Schilling, hes a more political guy so I see him wanting to watch "The American President". (How about that Annette Benning? She's one of the top 8 hottest actresses ever to play a First Lady by my count.) In the end, what would they settle on? My guess is Doc Rivers calls Telfair to tell him he's been traded to Minnesota for a case of Labatt, he goes crazy and pulls out a gun, so Bruschi and Schilling just come over to my place and we watch my taped copies of Super Bowl XXXIX and the 2004 ALCS. It doesn't get any better than that. (As long as the Sports Gal doesn't get too bent out of shape over us talking about the hottest women those two guys have ever banged. Can you imagine?)

Q: Sports Guy, can you settle a bet for me and my friend? What would happen if you somehow burped, pooped, farted, sneezed, coughed, and blew your nose at the same time?
--Steve, Peoria IL

SG: Yup, these are my readers.