It's Almost Baseball Season!
So a friend mailed me a copy of Lindy's baseball preview. I've been reading it this morning. It's a terrible magazine. For every player, there's a little section where they fill you in on each player's "Significant Stats/Injuries". Here are a few of their SIGNIFICANT stats:
David Eckstein, SS, Blue Jays
Was successful on all eight steal attempts against righthanders.
Seriously?
Frank Thomas, DH, Blue Jays
Takes umbrage at every called strike on the inner part of the plate.
The Lindy's staff members must have been taking SAT classes - the only place in the world where anyone actually uses the word "umbrage".
Aaron Cook, RHP, Rockies
Tied for fourth in the NL with two complete games!
Tied with seven other guys!
Brad Hawpe, RF, Rockies
Had a streak of at least 26 games with at least one strikeout!
Next on ESPN: the HawpeWatch... CAN HE DO IT? We'll cut live to EVERY HAWPE AT BAT to see if he can break the ALL TIME RECORD.... which I am too lazy to look up.
Matt Lindstrom, RHP, Marlins
Spent time sleeping on the floor, then on a piece of plywood and egg crates to help his sore back, but still finished second on the staff with 71 appearances!
US Egg stock is up 4 points on this news. Marlins fans surge to the ballpark to see their new eggstraordinary closer-in-the-making!
Yovani Gallardo, RHP, Brewers
Became the third Brewers pitcher to hit multiple HRs in a season.
Sounds to me like he has his epitaph already written.
Moises Alou, LF, Mets
Can't throw.
Shit. He plays in the wrong league, I guess.
Jamie Moyer, LHP, Phillies
Has 230 career victories, 59th all-time.
Next on ESPN: MoyerWatch. Jamie is on pace to pass the immortal Frank Tanana by May 13th!
Alex Rodriguez, 3B, Yankees
Became the first player since Roger Maris in 1961 to lead MLB in HRs, RBI and runs. Has a .159 BA in the playoffs over the past three years.
He sucks!
Kyle Farnsworth, RHP, Yankees
Easy to follow.
Next time you're driving to Yankee Stadium and you don't know how to get there, make sure you get behind Farnsworth. He's easy to follow.
Brad Ausmus, C, Astros
Had three 3Bs, matching his combined total from the three previous season.
Forecast: Brad Ausmus has a breakout 2008 where he hits SIX triples.
Paul Lo Duca, C, Nationals
Caught Tom Glavine's 300th career victory.
Wow.
Jermaine Dye, OF, White Sox
Thinks along with the pitcher.
This seems dangerous to me. Suppose he comes up in a crucial situation and Fausto Carmona is thinking about the hookers in his hotel room after the game. Poor Jermaine might get distracted. Hmm. Perhaps this explains Dye's shitty 2007. Pitchers caught on to this and deliberately thought about hot girls.
Strangely, Jermaine Dye has a 1.500 OPS against Kris Benson. Hmph. Go figure. I hate stats. Always disproving my theories.
Brendan Harris, 2B, Twins
Tends to grow on you.
Brendan Harris is like athlete's foot. Or a chia pet.
29 more days till the Reds kick it off against the D-Backs. Get excited!
5 comments:
re: the stats that aren't even stats...couldn't they have made them sound like stats:
100: Percentage of umbrage Frank Thomas feels about inside strikes called.
0: Moises Alou's ability to throw
10: Ease in following Kyle Farnsworth, on a scale from 1 to 10 where 1 is very difficult to follow and 10 is very easy to follow
1: Number in scorekeeping of the position Jermaine Dye keeps along with
5: Number on you Brendan Harris was last year
10: Number on you Brendan Harris is this year
also: Frank Tanana. Lol
also:
1: Number of times Paul LoDuca has caught Tom Glavine's 300th career victory
0: Number of times I became lost while following Kyle Farnsworth to the airport.
Considering Farnsworth's nickname from his days in Chicago, "easy to follow" is probably the safest thing they could have put up there.
Or a comment on his, err, romantic prowess.
5,650,213,099: times that Alex Rodriguez' regular season stats have been compared to a carefully-selected subset of his post season stats in order to imply that he can't perform in the playoffs.
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