I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Well, I can see this place totally suffered, crashed, and burned with me gone (not that I'm suprised). Sarcasm aside, there is one thing this Fire Jay Mariotti JayBlog is JayMissing when I'm not Jay. I mean here. You guessed it: Jay.

Over-under: How many Imp-Lou-sions in '08?

ROFL ROFL ROFL! I have to say, in the offseason, I truly missed these al-Lou-sions to Lou's name. Oh shit! He's got me doing it!

We're gonna simply skip to the highlights on this one, because it's not all that offensive other than that it's a completely stupid non-sports related topic to write about.

The question is whether his motivational methods work internally.

Jay is under the serious misconception that screaming at adult human beings can make them play better than they are capable. Oh well. Jay's the chief offender of our "managers don't do that much" label anyway.

And while I still maintain to some degree that his dirt-kicking, mama-cursing, ump-bumping nuclear reaction last June was just a coincidental factor in the Cubs' turnaround

If by "some degree" you mean "highest degree in the history of anything," you can maintain non-wrongitude here.

you can't argue this: Their record that afternoon at Wrigley Field was 22-31, and they went 63-46 thereafter to win a division title.

No, you can't argue against that, and you also can't argue that Lou Piniella kicking dirt on an umpire somehow made the Chicago Cubs are a better baseball team. There couldn't be less of a connection between the two.

Real reason: The Cubs were outscoring their opponents, so it was just a matter of time.

So it's hardly a small news item when Loopy Lou, in a matter of 18 weekend hours, transformed from a perturbed manager consumed in a quick-trigger fit over Jason Marquis' complaints to an apologetic teddy bear who said he overreacted.

Actually, it's a terribly small news item. Never a good sign when you have to spend the first third of your article convincing people that they should care about what you're writing

As the popular You Tube parody goes, with apologies to the Rihanna girl who sings the real song, ``Ella, Ella, eh, eh, eh, under Sweet Lou Piniella, Ella, Ella, eh, eh, eh, under Sweet Lou Piniella.''

Forget Rihanna, how about some apologies to the real journalists who get their readers stolen by this asshole? This is such garbage.

Time to switch off Jay for a moment. Jason Marquis is about to get stupid here.

The latest drama escalated when the erratic Marquis, who must have established some sort of major-league record in being left off successive postseason rosters, said Saturday he'd rather be traded if he doesn't win a spot in the rotation.

``I definitely want to stay here. I signed here for a reason, but I also signed here to be a starter,'' Marquis said after a lukewarm two-inning stint. ``I think that's where I help the team the most, and obviously we'll see what happens when it's time for them to make their decision.

Marquis is under the false pretenses that bad pitchers help teams by starting games and increasing their innings total. WRONG!

So as much as I want to be in Chicago and love it -- I love the fans, I love the stadium -- I also have a family to worry about, too.

And....this family suffers somehow if you aren't starting ballgames? You're already guaranteed way too much money over the next two years regardless.....

So I can take my services elsewhere, if that's the case, and I can help another team in that capacity as a starter. My value doesn't lie in the bullpen in my mind."

WRONG! Okay. Enough of Jason.

Far as I'm concerned, the Cubs can trade Marquis right now for Coco Crisp, the veteran insurance necessary in center field if Felix Pie turns out to be a no-tool player and Sam Fuld is a figment of Jim Hendry's imagination.

Wow. Jason Marquis for Coco Crisp. There ya go Jay. Hey um.....Theo Epstein....does he get a say in this trade or anything? Coco Crisp is one of the best defensive CFs in baseball, and a non-awful bat. That makes him very useful. Marquis is about as useful as Casey Fossum.

Last I checked the Red Sox already have 6 starters, all of them better than Jon Lieber, the current Cubs 5th man.....and you think that this will somehow solve the "I'm not starting games" complaint by Marquis? What possible need would the Red Sox have for Marquis? Deceptively, this is one of the dumbest trade suggestions of all time.

Just as his June explosion had a cause-and-effect purpose, his Marquis outburst reminds players of a powerful truth in Year 100 since the last World Series title: There's no crying in Cubdom. I'm glad Lou laid down the law.

Here is the cause and effect purpose.

Cause: Lou Piniella screams at an umpire and kicks dirt on his legs.

Effect: Lou Piniella is ejected. The umpire's pants now contain more dirt than before.

That's all.