Damien Cox Needs a Make-Believe World Where This Article Is Needed

I actually started relating to this article at first. Then I had to stop and see if I had switched tabs. ESPN.com's Damien Cox must have thought this would be a great article idea.

For me to poop on! (OH man! I got him! I got him good, too!)

It's been a few years since the fantasy went out of sports for me.

Maybe it's just age. Or laziness. Or maybe the constant need for reading glasses. Or a realization that poring over possible trades with my buddies rather than paying attention to my kids probably wasn't a quality life decision.

So, like every retiring pro athlete, I gave up the fantasy to spend more time with my family.

No, really. Stop giggling.

Not a problem, Damien. I wasn't.

I think everybody has given up on a fantasy team here or there. You forget to check one week, then that turns into five or six, then you get an e-mail from the commish calling you out. You check it once to see 3 guys on the DL and then you don't do anything. So this article must be about fantasy sports.

But I never said I wouldn't consider a comeback -- listen up, Mr. Favre -- and with some prodding, here we go.

Now we know who to blame when Brett Farve comes back.

We're not talking about drafting a lineup for the playoffs. We're talking about drafting the entire playoffs, picking the eight first-round matchups that, in this fantasy world, would be the most fun to watch.

Fantasy playoffs? Is this the same article? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe the playoff system is currently set up in the NHL to allow for the best 8 teams of each conference to play against each other, with the better team winning each round until, ultimately, a winner is decided. But instead, let's fuck around with them!

Now, be aware, these matchups have only a passing relationship to the current NHL standings.

I needed that disclaimer.

I'm putting Washington and Chicago into the Stanley Cup dance not because they'll make it, but because I like watching Alexander Ovechkin and Alexander Semin and Mike Green and Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane and Brent Seabrook.

Or: I'm putting in two teams that didn't deserve to make it in because if I didn't, my article would be more of a pile of shit than it is.

The Capitals and Blackhawks are more fun than Minnesota, Boston and Dallas, for sure, but you can't boot out all the boring teams.

Instead, Carolina and Nashville, two teams that actually aren't particularly boring at all, have to pay the price to get the Caps and Hawks in.

Sorry, but that's just the way I roll in my make-believe world.

Dallas is never a boring team in the playoffs. Watching a goalie self destruct year after year is great TV.

So in the fantasy playoffs, you have to be fun to make it in if you're out. But if you've a fun team to watch and you're in already, you're out. Also, boring teams are allowed.

Pittsburgh vs. Montreal

Right now, the Bell Centre in Montreal is arguably the best place to watch a hockey game in the world, so having Sidney Crosby in that atmosphere to start the postseason just makes sense.

How does that begin to make sense? The best place to watch HD in the whole world is my room, so having the Stanley Cup finals in that atmosphere just makes sense.

Crosby played junior in Quebec, plus his dad was a Canadiens draft pick.

Oh boy! Just what the playoffs need - a story than can be shot using fades, wipes, star wipes, old photos, newspaper clippings, and home video! PLUS! His dad was drafted by the team! How bananas is that?

Plus, these are two teams with offensive, creative personalities and, frankly, it would be a lot more interesting watching Marian Hossa and Evgeni Malkin trying to outdance Andrei Kostitsyn and Tomas Plekanec than watching enemy checkers shut them down. Finally, it would be a superb, intriguing matchup between two young goalies, Marc-Andre Fleury and Carey Price. Maybe Mario Lemieux would even make the trip north to his home province.

Somebody had better tell The Pensblog that Damien Cox has Marc-Andre Fleury starting for them in the playoffs.

Washington vs. New York Rangers

If Crosby's tied up in La Belle Province, well, Ovechkin should be on Broadway.

This guy knows that teams go to each other's arenas during the series, right?

The Russian star has never been in the postseason, and GM George McPhee's multiple moves at the trade deadline deserve some kind of playoff reward.

At least a humbling first round sweep.

Rangers superstar Jaromir Jagr, of course, played for the Caps before deciding not to try anymore.

I see know why this article had to be written. He had a great Jagr one liner and no place to put it.

In general, getting the Caps into Manhattan for a significant playoff struggle would have to help that franchise get some badly needed face time. Finally, Bruce Boudreau, the Caps' coach, is the patron saint for all those minor league bench bosses who had to wait and wait and wait for their chances to coach in the big leagues while others less qualified got their shot.

The Caps don't need any more face time. Ovechkin's hat trick was the top story on SportsCenter Monday night. They never show hockey on SportsCenter. And all it took to make it the top story was a 10-2 score, Versus in HD, and one of the two ESPN approved NHL Superstars scoring a hat trick.

New Jersey vs. Ottawa

OK, not every one can be a dream series.

Then why write the article? Next matchup.

Boston vs. Philadelphia

This would be the throwback series, a chance for two teams that last won Stanley Cups in the 1970s to get at each other. Philly, you can imagine, should be hopping in the playoffs after the team finished dead last in the league last season. Boston, meanwhile, needs a rollicking playoff series to return that sense of spirit to the Beantown hockey public, and a collision with a team that would allow fans of both cities to travel back and forth would be perfect for that. Both teams were once among the meanest, baddest teams ever to don skates, but these days, it's the Flyers who do all the nasty stuff. The memory of Philly blueliner Randy Jones' awful hit on Boston's Patrice Bergeron earlier this season would add some emotional spice.

If he really wanted to make the fantasy come true, they should play by the rules on the 1970's NHL. Allow Boston to make their ice whatever dimension they want it to be, and give the Philly fans handguns as they come into the arena. One more couldn't hurt, right?

Western Conference

Calgary vs. Anaheim

Yeah, I'm thinking watching Ducks GM Brian Burke clash with old buddy (and now Flames coach) Mike Keenan could make for a spirited affair for two teams that like it rough and tough with a sprinkling of fights per period, not games.

How would a GM and coach from opposite teams clash?

This has to be the first-round matchup the Ducks would like to avoid, if only because heading into Canada against a team with a host of its own big bodies would be a toughie to win en route to a potential repeat. You've got Ryan Getzlaf versus Dion Phaneuf, Miikka Kiprusoff versus Jean-Sebastien Giguere, Chris Pronger versus Jarome Iginla and, of course, George Parros versus Eric Godard. That last one would be only if either player ever saw the ice or left the press box. There wouldn't be nearly as much speed and skill in this one as ferocity and blood. Lots of personality and lots of crash-and-bang hockey.

I think the Ducks would like to avoid it because it wouldn't happen.

Detroit vs. Colorado

Well, duh. Of course it would be great to see this rivalry rekindled, particularly with the Wings showing their mortality down the stretch and with Adam Foote and Peter Forsberg returning to Colorado. The curiosity element in this one would be the goaltending, with no one particularly certain whether the Jose Theodore-Peter Budaj matchup will stand up under playoff pressure or 35-year-old Chris Osgood and 43-year-old Dominik Hasek have a serious playoff run left in them. But it's the history between these two clubs that would matter most, and you could expect endless video replays of Claude Lemieux's hit on Kris Draper and Patrick Roy boxing with Osgood.

This is a matchup that you want to see later than the first round so that you can root for injuries instead of a team to win. Also - did he just compare Jose Theodore and Peter Budaj to Chris Osgood and Dominik Hasek?

Finally, it would include two of the classiest NHLers ever facing off in the late stages of their careers -- Joe Sakic and Nicklas Lidstrom. A little something for everyone.

Finally! That old guy in the stands that just wants to see a classy hockey game can! Good thing Nashville got eliminated for not being boring enough. Or was that too exciting?

Minnesota vs. Dallas

There's history here, too. Actually, a little incestuous history, for these teams are relatives, with the Stars having first been born as the Minny North Stars 41 years ago before pulling up stakes for Texas in the 1990s.

Who knew the Dallas Stars came from Minnesota? They only kept the same logo and it wasn't that long ago.

They've honored the North Stars past, including keeping Bill Masterton's No. 19 retired rather than giving it to new kid on the block Brad Richards. Mike Modano, of course, was a North Stars draft pick who played for the team the last time The State of Hockey hosted a Stanley Cup finals. The Wild, meanwhile, have done a better job of understanding and capitalizing on Minnesota's rich hockey history than the North Stars ever did, while Dallas has actually planted some reasonably deep roots for the game in the heart of Texas.

Which is why Dallas sells out every game they've ever had. They don't? Oh, well good thing he mentioned the Wild and Stars fan base in the same breath.

While the coaches, Dallas' Dave Tippett and Minnesota's Jacques Lemaire, aren't known to be controversial types, the GMs, loquacious Stars co-GM Brett Hull and Minnesota's fiery Doug Risebrough, might have a quote or two to offer before it's over.

Again, GM's don't do much for the playoffs. I can see Brett Hull saying something stupid, but the Stars will probably just trap him in a crease somewhere until the Finals are finished.

San Jose vs. Chicago

There used to be some serious cross-pollination between these teams in the days when Bob Pulford ran the Blackhawks and his relative-by-marriage, Dean Lombardi, managed the Sharks. But this would be a series about personality, with San Jose still looking to establish a playoff persona and the Windy City looking to recapture the glories from when it was one of the league's signature franchises playing out of the old bandbox known as Chicago Stadium.

That's really what the first round of the playoffs in any sport are about, right? Personality and class.

And the Sharks' playoff persona is beating St. Louis repeatedly and effectively.

For the NHL, getting some Bay Area-Chicago flavor would be terrific after so many years of seeing major cities like New York, Los Angeles, Boston and Chicago on the sidelines when the postseason began. These are young hockey teams, with the Sharks looking to fulfill their promise and the Hawks, featuring Toews and Kane, trying to demonstrate they are a team of the future. Joe Thornton of the Sharks, meanwhile, is going to have that playoff bugaboo lurking over his shoulder until he gets something serious done in the spring.

Unless blood was drawn, I don't think there would ever be a San Jose - Chicago rivalry.

Wait - this whole article is about playoffs that won't happen and he didn't even give us a winner in any of the series? I don't care if the predictions were as poorly thought of as the article, but give us something. Example:

Calgary in 3. Mike Keenan has a koala crap a rainbow in his brain and gives his whole team Stimutacs, so they need one less game to win the series.

Damien Cox's fantasy may not be that bad, after all. I just doubt I could fill out his whole playoff board using Sealab 2021.