When Bill Simmons Writes Ridiculous Bullshit, You Know I'll Be Here To Complain
Mailbag time. Pot, meet kettle.
Q: Did you go to the Celtics-Clippers game? We were looking for you, but it was hard to find the Sports Guy in the sea of brand-new Kevin Garnett jerseys.
-- Kevin, Redondo Beach, Calif.
SG: Of course, I went! You're right, the entire arena had the "fresh car" smell, only it was the "fresh jersey from the Celtics Pro Shop" smell. There were more Boston fans there for that game than the last three Celtics-Clippers games combined. (My favorite sighting: Famed Hollywood producer Brian Grazer sitting courtside with his two sons, both of whom were wearing KG jerseys.) With that said, on the Bandwagon Jumping Scale, the Celtics jumpers can't come close to matching what happened with the New York Football Giants over the past four weeks. Three points here:
1. I have uttered or e-mailed the phrase, "Wow, I didn't know you were a Giants fan, congratulations!" at least 15 times since Feb. 3.
2. I can't remember seeing a single Giants hat or jersey in L.A. before Feb. 3. In the past four weeks, I've seen at least 20.
3. Back in Manhattan, one of my editors, Mike Philbrick, swears that dozens of New Yorkers have been hospitalized after passing out from the fumes of people walking around the city wearing brand-new Giants hats and replica jerseys.
ZING! How Jimmy Kimmel has managed to rise to near A-list comedic status despite having Bill occasionally write for him is a minor miracle. Take that, New Yorkers... you bought a bunch of clothes! Even moreso, take that, Asian factory laborers who make NFL apparel. Your brain cells are dying in droves every day because of those nasty fumes!
Of course, that isn't the real reason I decided to make a post out of this. While it's admirable that he recognizes the fact that the Celtics are currently a huge bandwagon favorite, it's also downright ludicrous that he dares to print this email given that his other two favorite teams also enormous bandwagon picks. How many people gave a fuck about the Patriots before 2001? How many non-New England natives liked the Red Sox before 2003/2004? I would go so far as to say that the Red Sox and Patriots are probably the two biggest bandwagon picks in all of sports over the course of the past ten years. That's right, I said it. And the Patriots are notable for the fact that they became a bandwagon pick in 2001, then actually acquired a second wave of bandwagoners this past fall. That kind of double bandwagonism is hard to pull off. I don't even think the Yankees managed that in 1999/2000.
Obviously this happens to teams that do well all the time. Due to their recent success, my favorite baseball team currently has a large number of fans that probably couldn't name more than one or two guys on the roster a year ago. So I'm not saying Boston's teams are alone in this regard. I am however saying that Bill sourpussedly complaining about all the Giants bandwagoners when he happens to cheer exclusively for teams that also currently sport gigantic bandwagons, is, as the title of the post states, ridiculous bullshit.
(Let's just move on before I start sounding bitter.)
Let's just move on before you write any more awful jokes.
16 comments:
This is Bengoodfella. I need an Blogger ID badly but here are my three (four actually) points:
1. Brian Grazer is "famed" but how the fuck would he know what he looked like? Oh yeah, that was his weak attempt to name check someone famous or he is a stalker of famous people.
2. Concerning the fumes from brand new hats and replica jerseys. When a team wins the championship in any sport, don't the fans of that team go out and buy all kinds of shit of that team? I know Simmons has referred to his collection 1,000 times. Maybe they are not bandwagon, they just celebrated by buying shit with the team's replica on it. I want to throttle him in the head with his Wes Welker jersey. Maybe he needs to pay attention his friends when they say what their favorite team is and quit trying to stalk celebrities out in California.
3. One big thing that bothers me. I love baseball and football but if I moved to Seattle from the immediate area of my favorite teams where I currently live, there is no way in hell I would get season tickets to the Mariners or the Seahawks. Why does he have season tickets to the Clippers?
I don't care how much he likes basketball, this bothers me. There is a such thing as a television to watch the game.
4. The first question about Sam Cassell was put in the mailbag purely to show off his knowledge of the NBA and why he should be a GM. You know who else watches Sam Cassell up close? The other 20,000 fucking people who show up to Clipper games, scouts who know a whole lot more about the game than he does, and anyone who has ever been to a road game where Sam Cassell has appeared in his 28 year NBA career. I love how his analysis including nothing basketball related but how Cassell could be a coach and how charismatic he is. I love how he thinks Cassell can come in and match baskets with LeBron James in crunch time better than the Big Three...all 13 ppg and 4 assists that is, up against James. I hate Simmons.
After reading his Super Bowl mailbag, I'm convinced Simmons makes up these questions himself. Seriously, I'm supposed to believe Jeff H. who's a life long Giants fan thinks Bill was classy and gracious in defeat (uh-huh, Bill-we-almost-had-it is always gracious in defeat). Or that Jason K. from NY thinks NE fans turned classy with comments like "you beat us fair and square"(you mean those classy NE fans that petioned the NFL to investigate the last 1:40 minutes of the game). Jeff and Jason aren't real people. They're just Bill, House, Hench and Jbug.
About the new Giants hats, shirts, etc. Well you can't buy a Super Bowl Champs shirt BEFORE the game, just AFTER the game, therefore, of course they'd be new.
Jim...you are a genius, that is a wonderful point. I miss these things through my windshield of anger when I am driving through the Avenue of Simmons Hatred.
Anonymous: I have always thought Simmons edited the questions for publication slightly before he posted them. I never had the balls to say it, because let's face it, that would be incredibly dumb and egomaniacal...which makes me believe it even more.
I sent Simmons a question asking him what the Pats should do to make the team better in the offseason. There is no way he can answer that. No way in hell, but he can be a GM.
Bengoodfella:
I know what you mean re: buying new shit.
I remember in like March of 2005 my parents came to visit and bought me a 1983 White Sox throwback hat. I wore it all year...but some douche saw me in September and goes "way to get on the bandwagon."
This is a guy who used to give me shit in 2003 about how I was a White Sox fan when the Cubs almost won the WS....It's well known to everyone who knows me that I am and always have been a huge Sox fan...and yet, I was a "bandwagoner" for wearing their clothes when they made their WS run.
Fuck off Simmons
Ben, I really enjoyed your first diatribe up there, but how exactly do you "throttle" someone in the head with a jersey? Is it a choking-type motion? Do you plan on maybe soaking it in water, freezing it, and then hitting him with it? Please clarify.
Actually I was originally going to suggest we would put 2001 Patriots Super Bowl Champion soap (you know there is some) in the Wes Welker jersey and throttle him with it. I thought it sounded too jailhouse revenge for me and I might too accurately reflect my dislike for Simmons.
I like your freezing idea better though.
What annoyed me most about the Brian Grazer mention is that is sounded like the Fox "promos" they do during the baseball postseason. "There is the cast of the upcoming show K-ville enjoying the game. K-ville starts this Tuesday at 9pm." The sad part he is that way, just name dropping to say, "look who I know and attends games with me."
To be fair to Simmons, Brian Grazer is J-Bug. So really this represents nothing new. Or is that the problem with Simmons?
Also, Grazer's sons are Jimmy Kimmel and Simmons's dad. But then I don't want to bore you with what you already know.
Archie, good to have you back. After your manic burst during last week's Reader Extra Participation Friday, I was afraid you'd decided had your fill of commenting and packed up shop.
Nah, I just blew a bit of a blogging gasket on Friday and needed to recharge over the weekend. I look forward to lots of manic, absurd, borderline impenetrable commenting in the future. I can also promise lots of random links that in no way will illustrate my point. You know, like this.
Brian Grazer is pretty goddamn recognizable though. I mean, if you ever read Defamer even one time, they'll show a picture of Grazer. He looks like if Roy Scheider was struck by lightning. Not hard to pick out of a crowd.
On the other hand, Simmons has a heck of a nerve calling anyone a bandwagon jumper. Unless I'm supposed to believe Bill's been buying Wes Welker paraphernalia since the Texas Tech days.
Ok, maybe I am the only one who does not know what Brian Grazer looks like. I also do not know what Defamer is, so there is probably a link there. I did my due diligence and Wikipedia'd him and he is partially responsible for Arrested Development, so I like him. I still would not recognize him and I think Simmons is a douchebag for namechecking celebrities in his column.
The Brian Glazer thing didn't bother me. What does bother me is how he constantly talks about all of his anonymous friends that work for NBA teams. Anytime he wants to support a BS assertion he gives a quote from some anonymous buddy of his that works for a western conference power. I'm guessing he isn't boys with RC Buford or anything, and I really don't care what the Grizzlies assistant video editor thinks.
Hooray for a new tag. You should come up with a new tag describing Simmons' pieces for every post you write about him...
Or do you do that already?
Andy: I sort of do that already. Not intentionally, but it just seems to happen. If I may meta-blog for just as second here, let me say that coming up with tags is one of the most fun parts of blogging.
Ben: Be careful what you wish for, re: Simmons's choice of topics. You're about to get it. For at least six straight months.
Here is the sad part for me about Simmons and the Boston mania: I was a Celtics fan when I was 6 or 7 and remember the 1987 Eastern Conference Finals like it was yesterday. The Celtics have always been my favorite pro basketball team. I remember where I was and what I was doing when Reggie Lewis died and I got very sad about it. Long story short, I have always been a big fan. I have watched them even when they were bad. I have not cheered for the Celtics this year and have ignored the NBA because (a) I refuse to have anyone consider me a bandwagon fan and (b) Boston fans have become way too obnoxious. I don't want to be a part of them.
I don't want Red Sux news for the next 6 months or Celtics news. That is all we are going to get though.
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