Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Several Things I Think I Think About Peter King

I'm sorry. That title is awful. But not as awful as certain parts of this.

If Pete Carroll ever gets to second base with Arthur Blank, I'm turning in my sportswriter's license. I give up. I will be ... well, let's see. What is the word beyond "shocked?'' Um, whatever that is, that's what I'll be.

How King anticipates coming across knowledge of this football-charged encounter, should it happen, is anyone's guess. I'm just really not sure the sexual metaphor works in this situation. Maybe stick to something like "If Pete Carroll is seriously contemplating coaching the Falcons..." Unless, of course, King's concept of second base is talking to someone for a long time. Sure, I'm not exactly Ron Jeremy, but I'm pretty sure I'd at least be touching a girl (if one ever stumbled into this basement) by the time I rounded first.

Tony Romo's girlfriend has nothing to do with his spirals. We all need to get lives.

I'm right there with you, Pete. You know what else has nothing to do with football? Brett Favre's wife. Yet she seems to pop up from time to time in your columns. You even plugged her book in your column last October. So... stuff it.

Atari Bigby. Great name. Played a great game for the Packers.

That's about as useless as journalism gets. I think you could get better analysis out of a drunk homeless guy who was sleeping outside Lambeau Field during the game.

I hope the Elias Sports Bureau, keepers of all NFL stats, take a look at replays of the lone sack Seattle was credited with at Lambeau. Because it wasn't a sack. Leroy Hill caught Brett Favre at the line of scrimmage in the first quarter and downed him for no gain. But Favre had pulled the ball down and was clearly attempting to run for it. I make the point only because I'm sure the Green Bay offensive line would take it as a badge of honor if the record showed Seattle, second in the league in sacks this season, was held sackless.

Wrong. You make the point because you have an epic man crush on Brett Favre. The thought of him getting sacked makes you cry like this kid.

Ever sit in a domed stadium for a playoff game? A swell time -- but only if you've got earplugs. The volume in the RCA Dome might be great for the home team, but it's a living, breathing headache for the impartial people. I've never seen Judas Priest in a phone booth, but I imagine the effect on the ears is about the same.

You goddamn kids and your crowd noise! Turn down that racket. Back in my day, we got slapped six ways to Sunday if we so much as opened our mouths at a sporting event.

Now this, this is just shoddy journalism right here. King is describing his visit a Green Bay sports bar and ensuing encounter with some Packer fans he allegedly met there.

But the Packers are No. 1, and people such as Robert Ruprecht are why. Our little crew -- including old pal Mike Silver, who is always ready to be led astray -- encountered Ruprecht in a classic Wisconsin tavern late Friday night. "I just want to tell you one thing," Ruprecht, a 39-year-old optometrist from LaCrosse told me, his eyes crystal clear. "When Brett Favre retires, I will cry. In fact, the day he retires I will call in sick. I won't be able to work."

OK, easy, big fella. Ruprecht was with five or six friends. and when Mike and I tried to make a little bit of light of their devotion, they weren't having any of it. And believe me, this was before the beer started flowing. "You don't understand," Ruprecht said. "I have lived through Randy Wright, David Whitehurst ... people used to leave free tickets under your wiper blades with a note saying 'please take these.' This guy Favre has brought us so much joy. He is the greatest Packer ever. To us, he's Michael Jordan. I am totally serious."

Now we had built up a little bit of trust and had been talking for a while. Here came the big guns. "This is going to sound weird," he said. "I dream about this guy. I dream that I'm going shopping with him. I'm not kidding. I'm just saying, we worship Favre."

And that was a little slice of time at Nicky's, a few long spirals from Lambeau Field.

Why is it shoddy journalism? King has clearly taken his own thoughts (and shopping-related dreams) about Favre and assigned them to some fictional characters. Just try to tell me every single one of those quotes didn't come for King's own mind. You'll have to work hard to convince me.

If Favre retires (which I don't think he'll do, but I have no more information on it than the man in the moon), he's nuts. He's too good, having too much fun, and, when you read SI this week, you'll find out how much his game means to his 8-year-old daughter, Breleigh.

See what I mean?


Chris W said...

So King said this: "If Favre retires (which I don't think he'll do, but I have no more information on it than the man in the moon), he's nuts."

I wonder if he's read this:


Andrew said...

There was a time when Peter King was actually an extremely good journalist, and I try and remember that when I read each of his columns, which each can be summed up like this - "Brett Favre/Tom Brady is not only the greatest football player of all time, but the greatest human being ever to exist. The Pats and the Colts are the best teams in the NFL or any other sport EVAR. (insert star NFL player name here) texts me because he has my phone number because I'm cool and important. I like coffee. People that are rude annoy me. Yadda yadda yadda."

If the Pats and the Pack play in the Super Bowl I may have to assassinate him rather than subject America to reading the blowjob pieces he'll right about them.

larry b said...

I wish I had King's cell phone number so I could text him and let him know that he knda sux @ writin.

Anonymous said...

Do you know the best thing about Peter King? His picture matches his personality. Seriously. Look at his picture and try to tell me that he doesn't look like a douchebag. Even if you've never read a word he's written you'll be able to tell that he's a douchebag.
Putting his picture at the top of his article is like a warning.
"Read this if you want but be warned. It was written by a douchebag".

Tonus said...

I wonder if he'll write a column when Brett and his wife finally get a restraining order against him.

jones said...

Ah, I'd missed Joe Falls.

larry b said...

I think King's picture makes him look like Jay Leno's douchestick half brother. Although admittedly, they don't look at all alike on TV.