Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Presenting: Scoop Jackson Embarrasses Himself, Again

I was going to cover this article in its entirety, but this one particular snippet is so flagrantly awful, it's worth a whole post all by itself. I'll do the rest of it tomorrow. For now, just try to soak this up. Tell me why Randy Moss won't be taking home the NFL's MVP this year.

Moss won't win the MVP award because of his past. It hasn't caught up with him in this respect, but it's too deep for too many people to forgive so soon. If anything has been learned from Barry Bonds, it's you can't be an ass and expect the media to think you are a king, even when you play like one.

Scoop Jackson. Thinks Barry Bonds. Is an example. Demonstrating why someone can't win MVPs. I'm telling you, you can't make this kind of stuff up.

Barry Bonds has seven MVPs. Seven. All of which were given to him by the media. That's more than twice as many as any other player in baseball's hundred whatever year history. Six more than Hank Aaron. Five more than Ted Williams. Four more than Mickey Mantle. Four more than Stan Musial. Seven more than David Eckstein and Darin Erstad combined. Not only has Bonds won the most MVPs ever, no one else is even close. Unless Alex Rodriguez starts popping steroids (or more steroids, depending on your opinion) and reels off four in the next six or seven years, there's no chance Bonds' mark gets touched for the foreseeable future. It might not ever be touched. Bonds is the absolute worst possible example Scoop could have chosen to try and justify his point. Bar none.

This is like saying "Rudy Guliani will definitely not win the Republican presidential primary. If anything has been learned from Ronald Reagan, it's that you can't be a white male and be appreciated by conservative voters."

Or less politically, "There's just no way U2 will be remembered as a popular band. If anything has been learned from the Beatles, it's that you can't be a bunch of goofy European guys wearing ugly sunglasses and expect fans to love your rock music."

How about, "I predict cell phones are a passing fad. If anything has been learned from standard home telephones, it's that people don't like to talk to each other unless it's in person."

Let's get pop-culturally creative! "There's no way Lindsay Lohan will continue to be a gossip magazine regular in the near future. If anything has been learned from the long succession of vapid, drug abusing, airheaded whores that have preceded her in that sector of the public eye, it's that people just don't like to read about vapid, drug abusing, airheaded whores."

Something else from the world of sports! "I can't imagine LeBron James selling a lot of shoes via endorsement during his career. If anything has been learned from Michael Jordan, it's that people don't really care about what shoe a great basketball player's name is on."

How about movies? "The Godfather will never be looked upon as a great film. If anything has learned from Dude, Where's My Car?, it's that film scholars strongly favor serious and sophisticated works of art which can only be enjoyed when you're wasted."

I could go on and on. But I won't. Because I've gone about six jokes too far already. Come on, Scoop. Why don't you just play the race card like usual and be done with it.

3 comments:

Tonus said...

This is also why Roger Clemens never won a Cy Young award. When will ballplayers learn to treat the media with some respect?!?!

CS said...

Jemele Hill and Scoop had a bet going who could mention Barry Bonds in more columns in 2007. Scoop pulled it out, on the last day of the year. Congrats Scoop.

larry b said...

Hopefully their contest for 2008 is to see who can write fewer columns, or automatically win by leaving ESPN and not taking a job as a writer anywhere else.