Friday, January 11, 2008

It Happened Again (And Probably Not For The Last Time, Either)

By popular demand- I know you're excited about this- It's just what your life needed- more Jemele Hilllllllllllllllllllllllllll! (smack)

Remember when she wrote this? And it just made her look really bad because of the comparatively uncritical way she's written about Barry Bonds for the last year or so?

Yup. Again. Roger "the shitbag" Clemens this time. But Jemele... Barry Bonds... repeatedly lying in public for years... you're ripping other players for it (or a topic related to it, like a bad apology) left and right... yet you've never mentioned it in a single one of your Bonds pieces...

And again I am caught between a stupid journalist and a detestable ballplayer, both of whom I hate. Which will I side with? Oh, that's right, I don't have to side with either of them. I was worried for a minute there.

Anyways, this article is so bad and so similar to the Pettitte piece, I'm just going to copy and paste the highlights and then present my vague half-theory about why this keeps happening at the end of the post.

Anyone who has ever cheated in a relationship knows the best way to hide cheating is out in the open. That seems to be the defense Clemens is running.

Just like Barry.

So we are left with an act that is officially long past tiresome. See Fraud-ger's interview and ensuing news conference for what it was: compelling, but not very informative.

Hmmm, sounds like Barry's original grand jury testimony from back in 2003.

You'd think if a guy was trying to ruin your livelihood, Fraud-ger would have dropped a couple choice four- and 10-letter cuss words on him, or simply never have taken the call.

1. The purpose of the call was to tape it for legal purposes, you fucking idiot. Whether that plan is now actually working out or not is irrelevant. The point is, his intent was to use the tape to try to establish his innocence. He's not going to not take the call... Jesus. I feel like I'm trying to explain "The Usual Suspects" to an 8 year old.

2. There are no 10-letter cuss words, unless
shitterass or fuckinging count.

Telling the truth never has been an option for Fraud-ger,

Yup. Just like Barry.

Many Americans want to believe Fraud-ger didn't do it. Unfortunately, he isn't giving them much to work with, alternately presenting doubt and hope.

Sounds familiar.

For the most part, Clemens has defended himself in such a baffling manner, it's difficult not to view this as an elaborate con.

Interesting. I choose to view Barry's method of defense as a lighthearted romantic comedy starring him and Bud Selig as high school seniors at a well-to-do suburban school who fight all the time, but only because they secretly have a crush on each other. (They go to the prom together at the end!) But yeah, I guess "elaborate con" as a genre works too.

Perhaps the most comical part of the interview with Wallace was when Clemens tried to argue that taking steroids and HGH would never have been beneficial to his career. So, Fraud-ger, you mean Jose Canseco, Rafael Palmeiro, Barry Bonds and the litany of other athletes who have been connected to performance-enhancing drugs are allegedly endangering their reputations for a product that doesn't pay off? HGH, which many doctors claim is akin to a fountain of youth, is reportedly being bought on the black market by at least dozens of athletes because it doesn't do anything?

Why yes, actually. I've heard many professional scienticianists make that exact claim several times in the past few months. Awful, crazy, delusional, and stupid as Clemens may appear, he is probably right about this. Although he didn't seem to be aware of this fact when he had McNamee shooting him up in the belly button back in the day. But whatever. I just wanted to make Jemele sound even stupider.

Either Clemens thinks we're all stupid, or he's forgotten the information we've learned about steroids and HGH in the wake of so many athletes using those drugs.

Just like Barry wants us all to believe his unparalleled success and massive bulkup after age 35 are the result of working out really hard.

"I don't know if I can defend myself," Clemens said. "I think people -- a lot of people have already made their decisions. And that's our country, isn't it? Guilty before innocence -- that's the way our country works now."

By the way, this is the same country that has made Clemens millions.

Where did that come from? You fill in the blank: Our capitalist economy which pays huge sums of money to elite athletes is related to our justice system because ______________. Go nuts! I'm not saying you can't make some kind of vague connection ("Duh! They both happen in America!"), but can you make one in a way that justifies Jemele's comments?

At this point, all we can expect from Fraud-ger are well-constructed lies disguised as genuine outrage.

All we can expect from Barry are simply-constructed lies disguised as bored outrage. And a gigantic head. And a funny high pitched voice, because his nuts are probably the size of peanut M&Ms. But don't expect Jemele to write an outraged piece about him and his suspicious responses to allegations of steroid use. Although she acknowledges that he is/was definitely a user, his lying/excuse making is somehow different than other players'. I hold every bad journalist to the same standards. Why can't she do the same with pill-popping ballplayers? I have a theory... well, it's not a theory, just the start of a theory. Let me be as indirect as possible about it.

There's one obvious difference between Bonds and Pettitte/Clemens. I'm not referring to the fact that one is a hitter and the other two are pitchers. I'm not referring to the fact that one is known as a Giant and the other two are known as Yankees. I'm referring to something else that's pretty easy to identify... you figure it out. Now, I'm not saying it's definitely the case. I'm not saying "I know for a fact that Jemele Hill is holding these players to different standards because of ______." I'm just saying... I'm curious. It seems a little fishy. I'm as sensitive about that issue as the next guy, but I still think it's fair to discuss in this case. I sure hope it's not the reason for Jemele's disparate stances, but you never know. It's definitely a vague possibility. You think she'll reply to an email I send her about it? We'll see. I'm sending one as soon as I proofread this.


Chris W said...


Anonymous said...

Could it be the exact same reason she heaps scorn on Jason Giambi's so called steroid apology, yet lets fellow Balco alumn Gary "I'm my own man no one can control me, but I just took what they gave me" Sheffield slide? And, no, she won't reply to your email. Remember Jemele doesn't like anything such as facts get in the way of her distorted arguments and I'm guessing your email most likely will call her out.

Jeff said...

When this originally posted I stopped reading it at the second "Fraud-ger" because I feared I would throw the laptop out the window.

Yes, Jemele, you made a funny. No need to hammer it into the ground.

Also - to Roger's point about how he'd have a third ear or arm or whatever growing out of his forehead.....I think he may be right...except Barry's grew IN his forehead.

cs said...

...and the inverse c-u-n-t-f-u-c-k-e-r

cs said...

Is the blank "journalistic integrity"?

larry b said...

If I had to pick one person to come up with a cuss word that fits any given set of constraints, it would have to be my old friend Chris W. Thanks buddy. And thanks to CS for the extremely graphic assist. I don't think I've ever called anyone that, but that fact is probably going to change this weekend.

John Foley said...


That's gold, Jerry. Comedy gold.

Chris Hart said...

I would have gone with m-o-t-h-e-r-f-u-c-k. But it just doesn't roll off the tongue like c-o-c-k-s-u-c-k-e-r

Andrew said...

Jemele Hill has become so blatantly racist that I'm beginning to that that her column is actually being ghost written by Jason Whitlock.