Friday, January 25, 2008

Reader Extra Participation Friday: That's Worth a Few Bonus Points, Right?

Who will dethrone JD after his win last week? If he wins again, does that make him a dynasty? (USC fans would definitely think so, even if he finishes second. OH! PWNED!!!1111!11) Will he remember to show up to defend his title? Come on now, everyone join in.

Jerry Crasnick serves as our template this week, as he writes about some MLB free agents who have yet to find a team to play for in 2008.

[Sean] Casey's lack of power clearly works against him. He's posted slugging percentages of .433, .388 and .393 in his past three stops. But he knows how to work a count, and he has a higher career batting average than Lance Berkman and Bobby Abreu. And when Sports Illustrated surveys 464 players and they overwhelmingly anoint you the "friendliest player in the game,'' that's worth a few bonus points, right?

I actually don't mind Crasnick most of the time. As long as he's not writing about players who hustle and "play the game the way it was meant to be played," he's tolerable. This isn't even a flagrantly bad passage; first, it's partially tongue-in-cheek, and second, clubhouse chemistry actually does matter a little. But I still think this makes for a good Reader Extra Participation Friday topic. What other traits can you assign to a struggling player that have little or nothing to do with their ability to play a sport well in an effort to make them sound more desirable? As always, please use Jerry's voice.

"Maybe Joey Harrington just blew his last chance at starting in the NFL by preforming poorly for Atlanta this past season. It's a real shame teams are hung up on his disastrous stats- they seem to forget that the guy knows how to do that thing where you raise only one eyebrow really high."

"After he screwed the pooch during the '06 Olympics, everyone was talking about how Bode Miller was washed up. But his recent return to the winner's circle is no surprise to me. It was pretty much inevitable, given how much he enjoys getting high and going to zoos."

"Sad to hear that no one wants to give former Diamondbacks and Braves pitcher Russ Ortiz a shot during spring training this year. Have you ever seen the guy water ski? He's a maniac out there."

"It's fair to say that former NBA center Oliver Miller has struggled with his weight. But should his career really be over already? Any playoff contender looking for big man help off the bench should give him a call. He's a huge Nickleback fan."

"Sure, Rae Carruth is in jail for conspiracy to commit murder. But if he somehow is paroled or escapes, teams should think about giving him a tryout. The guy can burp and fart on command."

Those five examples took me three and a half hours to develop. I'm sure you can all do better.

7 comments:

Chris W said...

Aaron Brooks may have lost a few steps and he may be known for throwing more interceptions than a bad Rex Grossman, but the Cardinals should take a look at him, after all he has a pitbull named Frank he takes on walks nearly ever week!

stevekerr said...

(Jerry Crasnick 3 weeks ago)
Sure David Eckstein has terrible stats and is a below-average fielder, but I'm sure some team like the Blue Jays will take a long look at him. I mean, come on. Look at how short and pale he is!

blanco112 said...

One more thing to consider when it comes to Kris Benson: the possibility that he cheats on Anna has got to buy him a few extra years on his contract, right?

JD said...

Larry B. might not have the qualities and traits of a sports journalist, or even a top of the line blogger, but have you seen the way this guy demolishes Pop-Tarts? And don't even get me started on his apathetic character. I've heard the guy can sleep in past noon for months at a time! It's depressing that these little intangibles aren't reflected in the blog rankings.

...and a dynasty is born.

larry b said...

Dynasty my ass. I am almost always awake by 11.

Anonymous said...

Tony Romo may always crack under pressure in the postseason, but did you hear that Jessica Simpson likes him??

Check out ESPN's current lead article, something like "Almost too perfect" about Brady and perfection. I almost threw up in my mouth and didn't finish the article, but it provides plenty of fodder. Also, does anyone else think Brady's faking an injury to get the spread down to a touchdown because Belichick thinks the game will be close?

larry b said...

Chuck Klosterman likes to drink his own urine, I guarantee you that. I'm considering going after that article but I'm not sure it can be done. I might get sucked into a black hole of pretension.

Chuck Knoblauch's career ended on a bit of a down note, but his critics seem to forget how much he loved playing Jenga.